It’s nothing new, really. As long as film has been around, plenty of entertainers have worked both music and film, and managed varying degrees of success. Nowadays, any music star trying their hand at movies is usually viewed with some skepticism. This is often the case when the films in question are clearly nothing more than shallow cash grabs meant to capitalize on the success of a particular artist. It’s so bad that we don’t even wait for the people to attain star status before handing them their own films on a silver platter. The following is my list of this generation’s most shameless attempts to turn singers (and a few rappers) into actors.

#5. You Got Served

Best friends David (B2K’s Omarion) and Elgin (Marques Houston) lead other urban youths in underground street dancing competitions, when they find themselves challenged and subsequently beaten by a bunch of white kids from the “mean streets” of **gasp!** The O.C.!! The only way to settle the score is to beat them in a citywide competition, with the winners getting a bushel of cash, and the chance to dance in a Lil’ Kim video!

Giving credit where credit is due, You Got Served knew exactly what NOT to focus on when bringing pop/r&b group B2K to the big screen. These kids weren’t exactly Boyz II Men when it came to the singing. And while the dance choreography is admittedly impressive, the film suffers from that “sitcom cliché syndrome” in which the money they’ll earn from the big competition is EXACTLY the amount of money they need to pay back a debt they owe; in this case, it’s money David and Elgin owe the neighborhood drug dealer. This all becomes irrelevant, though, when the “Cool Middle-Aged Guy” (played by comedian Steve Harvey) who hosts the underground competitions spouts a single line of dialogue explaining that he’s cleared their debt. Beyond all that, who’d be paying attention to backup dancers in a Lil’ Kim video when all the coverage would most assuredly be on her flashing vag, anyway?

While You Got Served is definitely a self-indulgent vanity project for B2K, it’s even more of a self-indulgent vanity project for the film’s director/writer/producer, Chris Stokes, who just so happens to be the pop group’s manager!

#4. Get Rich Or Die Tryin’

After surviving prison and being shot nine times, small-time hood Marcus re-invents himself as a rap star.

Hey, if Eminem could do it, right? Say what you want about 8 Mile, but even that film managed some degree of restraint. The same can’t be said for 50 Cent’s thinly-veiled pseudo-biography, chronicling his life as a “gangsta”, overcoming adversity, and getting back at his enemies by spittin’ hot fiya on the mic. There’s little subtlety to the film, as even Marcus’ gunshot wounds match up accurately to 50’s in real life, right down to the slug he takes in the cheek. To say nothing of the constant masturbatory self-deification, as evident with Marcus’ rap alias, Young Caesar. And I’m pretty sure there’s even at least one Jesus Christ pose in there, but I could be wrong.

All I have to say is someone must know where all the dead hookers are buried, because I can’t imagine how else to explain Jim Sheridan agreeing to direct this slop! How do you go from My Left Foot, The Boxer, and In America, to Get Rich Or Die Tryin’?!?

#3. Glitter

After being taken from her drug-addicted mother, a poor little racially non-descript girl named Billie (Mariah Carey) winds up in foster care and dreams of one day being a famous singer. Growing up to be a glorified backup dancer in the early 1980s, a dance club DJ eventually discovers her talent and a meteoric rise to fame ensues.

I think it’s safe to say most people, smart people, knew Glitter would be bad. But who could have guessed just how bad it would be?!? Few films (that actually see nationwide theatrical release, anyway) are as profoundly awful as Glitter. The countless clichés are bad enough (friends start to feel neglected, weepy mother-daughter reunion, perfect hair and makeup after sex, etc.). Even the ridiculous subplot in which a pre-Oscar-nominated Terrance Howard plays a vengeful record producer who hunts down and (**SPOILER ALERT**. . .like anyway really cares!) kills Billie’s mentor/lover for not paying him money he felt he was owed after she hit it big, merely straddles the line between “so bad it’s good” and “holy Christ, it’s just bad” territory. No, what really crosses the line is Billie’s most immediate response to hearing that the man she loves is dead: Singing her heart out at Madison Square Garden! It’s this kind of mind-numbing melodrama that pushes Glitter beyond the point of even unintentional hilarity.

Mariah’s career thankfully rebounded after this debacle, but between this, the failure of the Purple Rain-esque soundtrack, and her well-documented mental breakdowns, 2001 had to be Mariah’s worst year ever!

#2. Cool As Ice

A group of fun-loving rappers, led by Vanilla Ice, invade a quaint Middle-America town and teach the residents how to “get down”! Naturally, the town’s resident hot chick will ultimately dump her boyfriend to ride with the Ice!

This film is so blissfully stupid that it can’t even wait for you to actually see footage to prove it! One look at the tagline is enough to rob anyone of precious brain cells: “When a girl has a heart of stone, there’s only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.” This is what happens when greedy, money-grubbing studio executives try to be clever! Did anyone bother to say this out loud and realize just how nonsensical it sounds?!? I guess when your tongue’s too busy licking your fingers as you flip through all those dollar bills, you can’t really split your focus. Once you get past that, you’ve still got the film itself to contend with. A veritable Chex Mix of head-scratching banality, the film would lead you to believe that one; girls can be charmed with lines like, “Drop that zero and get with a hero”, two; Vanilla Ice knows ka-ra-tay!, and three; Naomi Campbell can sing! And just when suspension of disbelief is stretched beyond the point of Ludicrous Speed, Ice and the gang have to rescue the hot chick’s little brother from kidnappers!

Imagine my surprise when I woke up one morning, earlier this week, to find this cinematic gem on cable! And here I though that Ice had sold the soul of his daughter to Satan to erase this abomination from history until the end of time.

#1. From Justin To Kelly

The first American Idol winner and her runner-up star as two care-free teens looking for fun in the sun during spring-break, complete with song-filled hijinks.

Somewhere in the deepest region of the Amazon, someone is hard at work trying to decipher the true meaning of this film, as they will undoubtedly unlock a mystery of Da Vinci Code proportions! Because surely a film this vapid and hollow could only be appearing as such on the surface, thus hiding something so earth-shattering and profound that it will either unite every single man, woman, and child on the planet, or hurdle us even further into the depths of depravity and despair. The masterminds behind this couldn’t even wait for the albums to drop before shoving Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson even further down our throats. Even the movie’s title is overkill! It doesn’t even make any real sense. I’d have mistaken it for a bisexual porno flick if it weren’t so sugar-packed with so much family-friendly tripe that you’d swear the director was snorting Splenda before filming every scene.

Thankfully, Kelly has stuck to the singing, and no longer needs to use her association with American Idol as a crutch for her music career. Justin, meanwhile, may still have a clump or two left of his afro for sale on eBay if anyone wants to go halfsies on it with me!