Big-ass spoilers for every single book we review this week, including 52 down in the And Others… section. You have been warned. –Adan

Amazing Spider-Man #538

Adan: So, the big, huge event that’s supposed make Peter start wearing the black duds again is his dear old aunt getting shot in the midsection. I’m not saying watching your aunt get shot in the stomach is not a traumatic experience. And not just a regular aunt either, an aunt that raised you and was more like a mother to you than anything else. I’m not saying that. What I am saying is that I would have cared more than I currently do (which is not at all) if a) this story hadn’t been dragged out forever, and b) if Aunt May hadn’t already died once before. C’mon, you remember. Amazing Spider-Man #400. She dies a peaceful death in a hospital bed. Everyone cried. Now, only 138 issues later, she dies again. Well, not really. Sure she has a gut wound, but she’s not dead yet. All this fucking hooplah, and Marvel couldn’t even kill the woman off. Goddamn hype.

Laura: I would feel bad about the reveal here, except that it’s actually on one of the variant covers. Last week’s issue of Sensational Spider-Man also featured Peter pulling out a picture of Aunt May and self-flagellating over how he let her down, so color me unsurprised. We segue through various images of the war, and Peter starts waxing poetic about the Deep Meaning behind it all: “Why is it then, that our dreams of peace, our aspiration to love, to better understand one another, so rarely make the same leap? I don’t know… I don’t know…” You’re no Wilfred Owen, Peter Parker. And yeah, Aunt May dies (maybe), but I’m so far past caring about any of it.

Brave and the Bold #1

Adan: Hurm… I’m not sure what to make of this. I mean, it’s obviously a straight-up team-up story and very Silver Age-y, complete with George Perez art and way too much dialogue, courtesy of Mark Waid. But, strangely enough, I found myself enjoying it, even though I hate the fact that Batman and Hal are all buddy-buddy nowadays. I can’t for the life of me explain why I enjoyed this book. I guess the plot’s really just that goofy and fun. The same man is murdered sixty-four times, aliens attack, Las Vegas is visited, and Batman tells Hal that they need to swap opponents. Like I said, goofy and fun.

Laura: I can’t for the life of me explain why Adan liked this book, either. Batman and Hal Jordan go to Las Vegas, and fight stuff. That’s about it.

Civil War #7

Laura: Saying that this book was a letdown would imply that I had some sort of positive expectations for it. I did not. I anticipated little more than retro-fitted splash pages and general mediocrity, and yet it still managed to disappoint me far, far more than expected.

This is really bad.

The dialogue is weak, cookie-cutter bullshit, which at its best feels ill-suited to the tone of the book, and at its worst seems immature and utterly lazy. How else to characterize Reed Richards describing Spider-Man as “Amazing!” and Spider-Man subsequently describing himself as “Spectacular!”

The coup de grace is so full of crap that I don’t even think it merits a detailed analysis; there are lots of reasons to dislike it, so you can pick whichever one you want. The image of Cap, tears streaming down his face, eyes bulging unnaturally like a man exposed to the vacuum of deep space as he negates the entire point of this whole stupid crossover, will stick with me for quite some time. Congratulations, Marvel: you managed to make me hate Captain America, and I did not think that was possible.

But I don’t feel bad for myself, I feel bad for everyone who actually gave a crap about this series, the people who waited through the delays and kept the faith thinking that the end of the tunnel, Millar and McNiven were going to come through in the end with some fireworks. Sorry, guys, but this particular 4th of July just got rained out, and it’s time to go home.

Adan: Yeah, Laura covers most of the godawful bullshit this comic spews, but here’s a couple more things. After Cap gets taken down by a collection of New York’s bravest, finest, and… uhhh… EMT-est (which to me, says that Millar has a rather low opinion of the general Marvel populace; is Marvel’s American public really that naive and stupid so as to welcome an Orwellian state with open arms?), he says Captain America isn’t being arrested, Steve Rogers is. “That’s a very different thing,” he says. Psst, Cap: you’re the same guy and everybody knows it.

And then, in the little aftermath section, where Reed writes his love letter to Sue, he details everything that’s been happening since pro-Registration forces won. Conspicuously absent from this report are the United State’s responses to both Wakanda and Atlantis’ declarations of war agains the US. Both countries’ monarchs, the Black Panther and Namor respectively, knowingly and enthusiastically aided and abetted known American criminals against proper government authorities. Secret War taught us that whenever a foreign country aids American criminals, it’s called terrorism. But I can guarantee that Marvel’s version of the United States will not declare war on either Atlantis or Wakanda because Marvel’s version of the United States is stupid. Marvel’s American public does welcome Orwellian states, after all.

This series blew, and I’m fucking glad it’s over. Now I have a ton of post-Civil War crap to look forward to.

Local #8

Laura: Megan is 26 years old. She works as a waitress at diner, fucks the wrong guys, and then lies awake at night in a cramped, dirty room wondering if this it—if this is really her life now. If this is really who she is, now. There’s one page, one moment, where Megan walks home the morning after, trudging forward, hair in her face, past all the stripped branches and wrought-iron fences, and you can see it: is this is it? What do you when you don’t know how to live with your life, or what it makes you? You run. And Megan runs too.

This book feels like real life. It’s awkward and beautiful and difficult and I love it.

Adan: Wait, wasn’t the whole point of this that she wasn’t fucking the wrong guy? And she doesn’t run; at least not for very long. She tries dating that rich guy and realizes she’s in love with her broke, cramped, dirty apartment-living boyfriend. I think that’s the point here (I’m not sure Laura actually finished this book). “I just need honest and passionate and sweet and grounded. A genuine person, a real human being. Someone who’ll love me back,” she says as she runs back into the arms of her boyfriend. And while this book is awkward and beautiful, I’m not sold on the real life angle. Maybe I’ve just had very different life experiences, but this doesn’t feel like real life to me. It feels like I’m watching a movie, which isn’t a bad thing necessarily. I like movies more than I like real life, usually. Also, B-Wood doesn’t put any Commie propaganda in this book, so that’s a major plus.

Laura: The entire point of this was actually that Megan didn’t know what she wanted—she tried the low-rent, well-meaning guy, got an eyeful of his grinding poverty and poor hygiene, and ended up pulling one of those early morning catch-ya-laters that so rarely means love. She tried the rich guy who would have taken care of her, and felt flattered and secure, but also totally empty, so she booked it again. And ran right back to the poor guy and told him she loves him, despite the fact that they started dating, like a day ago, and also that she slept with someone else hours earlier. Allow me to translate: she doesn’t know what she wants, but she’s trying like hell to figure it out. This is what real life is like—maybe not your life, but definitely mine at times, and a lot of other people’s lives too.

And yes, she stops running (because the issue ends), but the entire point of this series is that she’s in a different city every goddamn issue! She’s a girl who runs!

And now I have narrated the entire plot of the book, which is what I was trying not to do by being intentionally vague in my synopsis. I pretty much loathe spoilers, and I’m trying to pick (and pan) these books for people, not ruin their endings.

Adan: Emo much?

Laura: Bite me.

New Avengers: Illuminati #2

Laura: Reed Richards, is there no end to your douchebaggery? Are you really so arrogant that you thought it would be a good idea to collect all the Infinity Gems together and wield them? Because that will somehow make things safer? Even Uatu thinks you’re a dumbass. “This was not your decision to make, Richards,” he tells the good doctor, and that seems true of a lot of his decisions lately. I’m not sure who to blame more here, Reed for having this incredibly bad idea, or the rest of the Illuminati for going along with it. Still, we can thank Bendis for making it a fun ride.

Adan: Now hold on a second. I do not agree with your assesment of Reed Richards. He is no douchebag, at least not here. Yes, he collects the Infinity Gems, but he has two really good reasons: a) so people like Thanos and the like won’t have them, and b) he was only wielding them to try to will them out of existence. Frankly, that’s a worthy goal, trying to take a very powerful artifact off the chessboard. Also, I’m very interested in what happens with the Illuminati members and their shiny new jewelry. This is the second issue in a row we’ve done of this book, and it’s still pretty good. Bendis still knows how to write on occasion.

Laura: I’m not saying that he didn’t have good intentions (he always does), I’m saying that it was tremendously arrogant and foolish on his part to take this particular task on himself, or to believe that he was capable of willing the Infinity Gems out of existence. Bendis really is doing this series right, though. I’m actually exciting for the next issue, which is something I can say about maybe two books in the Marvel U right now.

She-Hulk #16

Laura: Dan Slott has done better. She-Hulk and Wolverine team up against Wendigo, and it’s… all right. I could have done without She-Hulk’s temporary incompetence, somehow “forgetting” mid-battle that she has a healing factor. Also not a fan of Wolverine’s totally out-of-bounds dismissal of She-Hulk as “Juggernaut’s sloppy seconds,” something which frankly I find hard to believe. C’mon, Wolverine would have totally hit that.

Adan: I don’t know. “Juggernaut’s sloppy seconds” makes for a really good deterrent. Yeah, She-Hulk is all big and strong and green (and I know I would have hit that pre-Juggy), but Juggy’s gross and I don’t want to go anywhere near that. Plus, it’s not like Wolverine can’t just pick out a random Japanese girl and do her. I mean, I’m pretty sure Logan’s fucked the entire nation of Japan by now–twice. But this book isn’t about Wolverine or She-Hulk’s sexual antics (well, it is, but there’s more), it’s about She-Hulk kicking the Hulk’s rogue’s gallery’s collective ass. And then delivering them to S.H.I.E.L.D. for some shadowy operation. Also, the many one-liners and sight gags Slott throws in there are worth the price of admission alone.

Laura: First of all, we don’t know for sure that they slept together, and She-Hulk adamantly denies it. Second of all, why is it cool for guys to sleep with all kinds of filthy, terrible people and yet somehow nobody looks at them as “tainted,” but one bad sexual choice for a woman (even an invented one!) means her market value plummets? That is some bullshit, my friend.

Adan: First of all, yes we do. I don’t remember the issue number, but it was in Uncanny X-men when Jugs was trying to go legit. She-Hulk was representing him in a case for the murder of Sammy Pare aka Fishboy. After she got him off legally, she got him off again. There was a two-page spread in which they are in a broken bed together, naked. If that doesn’t scream hot rabu-rabu (that’s Engrish for sex), then you need to check your ears. I’m pretty She-Hulk was screaming too. Second of all, no, it’s not cool for guys to sleep with all kinds of filthy, terrible people. There’s a reason the term whore applies to both genders, and that is because people like Nightwing, Arsenal, and yes, Wolverine, especially Wolverine, are all dirty, dirty whores.

Laura: It was Uncanny X-Men #435, and they were not naked. I wasn’t there and She-Hulk was, and if she says nothing happened (which she has said numerous times) I’m not going to argue that it did. And yes, Wolverine and Nightwing and lots of other guys are sluts, but the fact of the matter is that it doesn’t make them “damaged goods” or less desirable, while women in the same situation are treated as though their worth is somehow diminished. That’s what Wolverine is essentially saying, and it’s full of crap.

Adan: I don’t want to do something so pedestrian as turning this into a men vs. women argument, but… Men only do what women let them get away with. If women would stop dating the assholes that you all find so Goddamn charismatic, maybe those same assholes wouldn’t think you’re “damaged goods” for sleeping with other assholes.

Laura: That’s a completely different topic of discussion and I don’t really know why you brought it up. This isn’t about what women “let [men] get away with,” it’s about the relative impact of sexual activity on the perceived worth of a human being. I also don’t appreciate you directing your comments at “me.”

Adan: I bring it up because it is very much germane to the discussion. You say sexual activity is perceived a certain way. Are men the only perceivers? If men act whorish, but women still date them, women have perceived their sexual activity as okay. If women act whorish, and other women gossip and snipe, then women have perceived their sexual activity as not okay. I think it’s safe to assume that men perceive these situatuons exactly the same way, but my point was that women perceive men’s whorish ways to be okay because they allow men to continue their whorish ways. Hence, “[m]en only do what women let them get away with.”

“I also don’t appreciate you directing your comments at ‘me.’” They’re not directed at you, conceited, except that you are who I am having this discussion with. Surely you know that the second person pronoun is merely a rhetorical device. Don’t make me talk down to you when I obviously don’t have to.

Laura: You seem interested in talking down to me regardless; I don’t “make” you act condescending any more than women “let” men get away with sexual promiscuity. Your sense of agency is kind of fucked up. Cherchez le femme! But let’s review: “If women would stop dating the assholes that you all find so Goddamn charismatic, maybe those same assholes wouldn’t think you’re “damaged goods” for sleeping with other assholes.” Obviously, you’re not using the impersonal “you” if the antecedent of the sentence is “women.” You wouldn’t direct this statement at a man, unless you wanted to make no sense, which is of course always an option.

You’re perceiving sexual judgments as if they exist purely as two one-way streets between men and women, which really isn’t the case. Both men and women make harsher judgments about women who are more sexually active; both men and women are more forgiving or even laudatory of men for the very same behavior. Society, as a whole, does this, not just the dating pool of the opposite sex. You’re also saying that the responsibility for male promiscuity lies with women, because women “let” them do it, which is so completely full of crap for biological, sociological, and practical reasons that I don’t even know where to start. Either way, I’m pretty much done with this discussion–this isn’t a message board, and this conversation has long passed the point of being productive.

Adan: I said men perceived these things exactly the same way. You can read that up there in between your bouts of imagined slights (that one was directed solely at you, Laura Hudson). And yes, I do hold that the responsibility for male promiscuity lies with women. Women need to stop dating them. It’s not like these assholes don’t get a reputation the same way women do. If women stopped sleeping with promiscous men, all the male back-patting in the world wouldn’t hold up this kind of behavior.

Women of the world, stop dating assholes! They will only hurt you in the end. All those guys in high school you thought were kind of bookish and nerdy, they’re the ones who need your love. They will cherish you and love you and never, ever cheat on you. Plus, there’s the added bonus that these nerdy, bookish guys will be too busy reading comics, playing D&D, or watching anime to have time for any sort of promiscuity. Date the nerds!

(Hey, sis, we’re still friends? Sorry I pissed you off. I’m even sorry for the “imagined slights” thing.)

Laura: If I didn’t love you like a brother, Adan, you wouldn’t be able to push my buttons like one. We’re cool.

Superman #659

Adan: This is a very interesting story to me. A very religious woman prays to God when bad things happen, and miraculously, Superman appears every time. She thinks he’s an angel, and he tries to convince her he’s not. Normally, I don’t like religiosity because normally, it’s all words and no deeds (you’ve heard me rail against American Virgin for this exact reason). But this woman, Barbara Johnson, she does truly believe and she acts upon her beliefs to make Suicide Slum a better place. And when she’s laid low, when misfortune befalls Barbara Johnson, she doesn’t blame God. She doesn’t begin questioning his plan. No, she looks around and sees the reason in her misfortune. She sees that while something awful has happened to her, this same awfulness has caused good things to happen to many others around her. This is a true believer, ladies and gentlemen, and if all so-called religious people were like Barbara Johnson, we’d live in a much, much better world.

Laura: If all so-called religious people also applied a slightly thicker layer of reality to their faith, we’d all live in a much, much better world as well. What’s a lot more interesting to me, though, is the way that Superman deals with being treated as a divine being, and his conflicting desires to be both a human being and superhuman savior. A nice one-shot, and good jumping on point, if you’ve been waiting for one.

Adan: Oh, jackass Adam Chamberlain is a-ok in your book, but Barbara Johnson, who has real faith, not some pretend garbage, fuck her because she’s totally delusional.

And while we’re on the subject, happy Ash Wednesday to all you Catholics out there. I would have attended Mass, but I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to say “fuck” while I’m there. Say a Hail Mary for my soul, would you? That would be keen.

X-Factor v1: The Longest Night

Adan: It’s pretty ridiculous that the same guy that writes the awful, awful Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man also writes the very excellent X-Factor. But, like Jamie Madrox, the leader of X-Factor, Peter David embodies contradictions. This trade collects the first six issues of the series, which introduces Singularity Investigations, a Decimated mutant world, and Layla Miller. Oh, that Layla Miller. It also introduces a Multiple Man who’s never sure of his actions nor of their repercussions because to paraphrase Madrox himself, if you can do everything, why choose to do only one thing. Pick up this book; it’s awesome.

Laura: Adan is spot on. I never saw this book coming, but damned if it didn’t knock my socks off. Peter David has made Multiple Man one of the most fascinating and compelling characters in recent memory, whose internal struggle is made literally external as he pops out difference facets of his personality like a human clown car. What’s it like when every aspect of your personality can take physical form, and act on every impulse? How do you conceive of memory when you have to reintegrate all those experiences–and who are you, really, when you exist as fragments as often as you exist as a whole? And that’s just Madrox. David gives us a team of fully-realized superpeople whose personal weaknesses are as important as their powers, and the result is the best X-book on the shelves right now.

And Others…

Adan: We only talked about 52 that one time long, long ago, and then dropped it because whatever. It was gonna do its thing and people were gonna buy or not buy it no matter what we said because either they were already in it, or they had already decided to stay far away from it. But this issue was really good. Instead of the many plots that an average issue of 52 usually deals with, this only deals with one, Ralph Dibny, and this plot thread is finished in a most satisfying manner. The discrepancies between where the Helmet of Fate actually was for a year (which I complained about in my review of Helmet of Fate: Detective Chimp) are put to rest, the seemingly out-of-character actions of Dibny are washed away, and most everything is explained pretty well. … Dude, it was a good ending. It was a satisfying ending. Yeah, Keith Giffen’s Justice League teams loses another member (although with Booster back, I guess the number hasn’t actually changed since last I counted the dead). This is a good issue of 52 and don’t let anybody tell you any different.

Wonder Woman #4 is also out this week, and it features an over-the-top portrayal of Circe as a militant feminist. Apparently, all men are bad. But Diana Prince and Hercules go to her island to prove her wrong… but Hercules ends up proving her right. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mortal or a god, posessing a Y chromosome means you suck a lot.

Astonishing X-men #20

Adan: I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it until it’s no longer true: Whedon’s all flash and no content. This is yet another issue in which a lot seems to happen, but it’s all just padding. There’s a couple of funny lines, some “Fuck Yeah” scenes, but what really happened in this issue? They landed on the Breakworld. That’s it. That’s all. Now, this isn’t anywhere near as bad as All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder being in the car for four Goddamn issues, but this certainly doesn’t carry enough plot for my tastes. And I know I won’t get a satisfying ending here because I haven’t gotten one for the past three arcs. Oh, where art thou, Fourth Coming? Are you stuck out in the desert? Do you need gas money?

Laura: Sorry, Joss Whedon. I can’t defend you anymore. Gifted was great, so I was willing to roll with the whole “Danger, the sentient Danger Room” arc even though it was (let’s be honest) kind of ridiculous and badly executed. But there comes a point when you can’t make excuses anymore, even for people you love, and you and I have reached that point today. Good ideas and snappy dialogue only take you so far if you can’t string them together cohesively, and after three read-throughs I still didn’t know what was going on half the time in this issue. You’re not even writing the Wonder Woman movie anymore, so stop phoning it in and pull yourself together, man. And seriously—if you pull this kind of crap on Runaways, it’s over between us.

Batman #663

Laura: Deep dark secret time, people: I’ve never been all that impressed with Grant Morrison. I mean, he’s a solid writer with innovative ideas and all, but I never thought he was the second coming of Alan Moore or anything. But I’m big enough to admit when I’m wrong, because Batman #663 is a bullet of exactly how wrong I was, shot directly between my eyes. The first thing you’ll notice when you open the book is all the words; it’s basically a short story with occasional pictures. Don’t be scared, though, because it’s spectacular. Morrison’s prose has never been so electric or unrelenting, pummeling the reader with one brutal, captivating image after another, like one long punch combination with brief pauses for chapter breaks. If you only buy one comic this week, buy this one. Hell, if you only buy one comic this month, it better have the Joker’s eyes bleeding down the cover, or you will have officially missed the boat. It is called the S.S. Awesome, and Batman #663 is your ticket to ride.

Adan: “If you only buy one comic this week, buy this one.” Too bad this isn’t actually a comic; it’s an illustrated short story (seriously, just ask Scott McCloud). But Laura’s not lying about this book being awesome. Because it is. However, she is lying about never being impressed by Grant Morrison. She’s always been impressed. Admitting it, however, means she loses some kind of street cred or something, so she hides her love behind a mask of sarcasm and big words. Not unlike the Batman himself, actually. Does that make me the Joker? Shit… I think I might be insane.

Laura: I’ve told you before that I felt iffy about Morrison, so I’ll have none of these accusations. Impugn my taste if you must, but never my honesty. I am like a sitar that only speaks the truth.

Casanova #7

Adan: This is the last issue of Casanova‘s first album, as Matt Fraction calls them (not volume or arc or season), and boy is it a doozy. Last time we reviewed this book, I said Fraction could condense War and Peace into two pages and not lose any of the emotinal impact (unlike, say, Bendis, who would make it five times longer and lose all emotional impact). It’s still true. And we get a satisfying ending, too. It’s like there’s some places in this wide world where there are still people who know how to write comics. And one of those places is New Port Richey, Florida. I look forward to Casanova II: Electric Bugaloo. And Matt, I know this means next to nothing coming from some dude you don’t even know on the internets, but I’m genuinely sorry about the baby. That has to be rough.

Laura: This issue marks the close of Luxuria, the first “album” of Casanova. It’s a great issue to cap off a great series, but I’m not going to talk about that. I’m going to talk about the closing notes that Matt Fraction adds at the end, five pages of bold, intensely personal exposition that left me split open and stunned at how fucking brave he is. By the end of those five pages his prose had me so completely by the throat that he could have kept me there for another hundred. He talks a little about Casanova, but then starts cutting, and doesn’t stop till he hits bone. “That’s the sauce of this particular chaos, maybe. Belief, faith, sincerity, whatever you want to call it. You gotta fucking ache for it, sometimes; whatever you feel, feel big.” Thank you for this, Matt Fraction. Thank you for sticking a syringe of inspiration under my skin and pushing the plunger all the way in. You made me feel something beautiful on a day when I didn’t think it was possible to feel that way. And yes–you made me feel it big.

Franklin Richards: Lab Brat TP

Adan: It used to be that we comic geeks would have to swear up and down that not all comics were for kids. Nowadays, it seems like we have to swear up and down that comics for kids do exist out there (there’s another extra gory issue of Green Lantern Corps out this week with no kind of warning or rating on the cover). The Franklin Richards: Lab Brat trade by Chris Eliopoulos and Marc Sumerak is a perfect example of comics that are great for kids, and fun for adults. These shorts are sweet and funny, and should be purchased by all those mothers and fathers looking for some good wholesome fun for their kids to read (notice the complete lack of cursing in this review, eh? I can be child safe too).

Laura: That’s funny, because I think I actually picked up the cursing slack this week without meaning to. My feeling on swear words is similar to my feeling about the word “love”: don’t say it unless you really mean it, or it doesn’t mean anything. So I’m not going to say that I love Franklin Richards, but I will admit to liking it rather strongly. It is, as they say, fun for the whole family.

Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E. #12

Adan: “A M.O.D.O.K. and a M.O.D.A.M. made sweet monkey love by the light of a rack of World of Warcraft servers, and I was the result!” Weep, pitiful humans. Weep that you might never see a line of dialogue like this ever again. Nextwave was one of the most absurd and best super-hero books in the world, and you all killed it. You killed it by not buying it, and now it’s gone. …Although, I think I heard somewhere that Warren Ellis said they’d keep doing minis with the Nextwave kids, but that’s no guarantee. I’m sad, and nothing can make me happy.

Laura: How about the fact that the first Nextwave trade also comes out in softcover today? How about a link to the Nextwave theme song, whose lyrics you may remember from the first issue director’s cut? Will that do it? Here you go, bro. The rest of you: please go read this. There is a Devil Dinosaur with a big gun and they drop-kick a baby MODOK and make fun of Captain America and things ‘splode. And it is the last issue of Nextwave! Until the next one!

Punisher Presents Barracuda #1

Laura: People whom this issue might offend: Women, black people, Italians, Southerners, Hispanics, transsexuals, homosexuals, homophobes, and hemophiliacs. And maybe you. But me? I’m ok with it, mostly because it goes so far over the top it ends up on the other side. The book opens on the image of a unusually broad-shouldered prostitute walking out of an alley where Barracuda is zipping up his fly, with the title “A Mouth is a Mouth” running across the bottom of the page. That tells you most of what you need to know, and you’re either in or you’re out.

Adan: Remember when I said nothing could make me happy? I lied. This makes me happy. It’s so wonderfully wrong. It’s just so unapologetically sexist, racist, and any other -ist you can throw in there. And Christopher Walken guest stars, too. Barracuda, the tough SOB that fought Castle to a standstill in the storyarc that bears his name, is back, and he’s just as tough as he ever was. He’s missing an eye and four fingers from his right hand, but fuck it, he can still roll. Garth Ennis obviously has a knack for these kinds of stories with these kinds of characters that just can’t be topped. I’ll keep reading them because I’m a bad person, and so will you. And so will Christian conservatives, because they always need something new to blame shit on. Word on that.

PvP #31

Laura: For the uninitiated, PvP is a webcomic by Scott Kurtz that centers around the staff of a video game magazine and their loveable troll friend, Skull. PvP the comic is essentially PvP strips from the web… in a comic. So if you like the webcomic, you’ll enjoy this, as they are quite literally exactly the same.

Adan: Yeah, I like PvP a lot (in fact, I read it everyday online at www.pvponline.com). And, in an effort to support Scott Kurtz in his endeavors, I used to buy this book monthly. And then I realized I get mostly the same material online for free. Now, this does not mean you should not support Scott Kurtz, because you totally should. He’s a good guy and he deserves it. But you should do it by visiting his site everyday and buying his Truth, Justin, and the American Way mini, whose last issue also came out this week.

Rex Libris #7

Laura: How’s this for a premise: Rex Libris, the head librarian at Middleton Public Library, battles the forces of darkness and ignorance with a wide array of high-tech gadgetry, and of course, the formidable weapon that is his razor-sharp intellect. In this issue, our hero (who looks a little like a young Eugene Levy) ventures inside the pages of a library book in search of a lost patron. The book is titled the Compendio Illustrado de la Morfologia del Monstru del Paleozoico al Cenozoico del Cryptozoologisto Internacionalemente Aclamdo Juane E. Strozzi El Loco, a title referenced numerous times in its entirely, which makes me think that James Turner kind of hates his letterer. The page barriers in the Compendio are breaking down, releasing a menagerie of monsters from their proper classifications. What’s an action librarian to do?

Adan: You know what Rex Libris has that no other comic in the world has? Visicomboics. What is Visicomboics, you ask? Well, you can read the hilarious frontispiece on the inside front cover and it will all be explained. The rest of the comic is also hilarious. And even though I’d never read Rex Libris before, and the story is in media res (as the cinema geeks like to say) it wasn’t difficult to understand what was going on, so it’s got that going for it too. Pick it up, give it a try. It’s not like Civil War came out this week or anything, so you should have the extra cash.

Y the Last Man #54

Laura: The issues sees the return of the Fish & Bicycle theater troupe, whose name references the the infamous quote, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” (a stupid, counterproductive sentiment that you can attribute to Irina Dunn, not Gloria Steinem as popularly credited). Anyway, after failing at their cinematic ventures, the ladies of Fish & Bicycle turn to the medium of comics, which has “all the advantages of film and none of the drawbacks,” they gush. They decide to make a comic book about the sole survivor of a female gendercide—essentially, X the Last Woman, although the name they choose for it is actually far lamer. “It’s this quasi-femininst sci-fi thing. Very po-mo,” Yorick meta-intellectualizes about it. He’s kind of non-plussed by the idea, and at the moment, so am I. Also, I don’t buy “father-fuckin’” as an expletive, but you know, “A” for effort.

Adan: “Meh.” Yorick Brown is as unimpressed with the comic he reads in this issue as I am with this issue. It’s all so meta. This is a standalone story that centers on those travelling theater troupe girls who had Ampersand for a little while way back when. They try to make a movie and then they write a comic. The comic is, predictably, about a female-killing plague that leaves only one girl alive, along with her mare named Airheart. I repeat, “Meh.”

Action Comics Annual #10

Adan: This has been touted as a book which lets readers peer into future Superman storyarcs, but all I see here is the resurgence of the Silver Age. Kryptonian criminals, Mon-El, Bizarro World, multi-colored Kryptonite and… are those statues of the old-school Legion of Super-Heroes in the Fortress of Solitude? Oh, sweet Jesus. Well, like it or not, and I certainly do not (except for the Mon-El bit; that’s pretty cool), the Silver Age is back in a big way, with all its silliness and convolutedness intact, one assumes. I just hope to God they don’t bring back the Bat-Hombre. That would require a whole new Crisis all by itself.

Laura: The first story, narrated by Luthor, is about all various ways one could kill Superman, if one wanted. It’s a concept which I think would work really well as an Edward Gorey story. Or Stewie-style musical number. The most interesting thing about this book, for me, is not the way it is, but the way I like to imagine it. And maybe the Mon-El story, but not much else.

Detective Comics #828

Adan: I love what Paul Dini has done here: with the Riddler in particular, and with Detective Comics in general. Dini has turned this book into its namesake: a comic about detecting. Every issue is self-contained and every issue features Batman unraveling a mystery. Sometimes, you get the reformed Riddler attempting to solve the mystery as well, and that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. When I was watching the Batman Adventures cartoon in my misspent youth, the Riddler episodes were always my favorite because there was always some cool mysteries to solve. Dini gives me both of those things almost every single issue in Detective. Unfortunately, this issue wasn’t one of his best, as the mystery was only so-so, but, you do get a good, old-fashioned team-up between Edward Nigma and the Dark Knight which is pretty damn cool.

Laura: OK, riddle me this. If you were on a party boat in the middle of the ocean and suddenly Batman appeared out of nowhere to rescue a passenger, what conclusions might you possibly come to? Might you think, perhaps, that Batman could be one of the guests at the party? Riddler, despite his supposed first-class intellect and superior riddle-solving ability, doesn’t seem to connect these dots, but whatever. I’ve really enjoyed Dini’s work on Detective, but unfortunately, this isn’t one of his best–If you’re looking for the good stuff, go back and read his last two issues, which featured Joker and Scarface respectively. On the positive side, this is an issue of Detective Comics that is primarily about detectives detecting things, and that’s the kind of semantic accuracy I appreciate.

DMZ v2: Body of a Journalist TP

Adan: The second DMZ TPB features the five part “Body of a Journalist” arc, in which Matty Roth learns what it takes to survive in Manhattan, as well as the “Zee, NYC” standalone, which is basically Zee’s origin story, and “The New York Times” standalone, which is the noob’s guide to New York after hostilities began. Listen, I know Brian Wood (or B-Wood, as I like calling him for no real good reason) is as red as your mom is easy*, but I can’t help loving every thing he writes. It’s like Chairman Mao writing one of your favorite comics: yeah, the guy’s a political moron, but he’s a genius when it comes to spinning yarns. Pick up the first trade, and then come back for this one. You’ll thank me later, and then you’ll feel weird inside for loving the work of Pinko scum.

Laura: I love that you love Brian Wood, Adan, despite your irrational (and very real, folks!) fear of communists. DMZ is pretty good, though, so I have to give you credit for giving credit where credit is due. In “Body of a Journalist,” Matty Roth gets kidnapped, and meets the leader of the Free Armies, a most excellent journalistic scoop indeed. He also has a chance to finally get the hell out of New York, with its suicide bombings and sniper attacks and nasty diseases, but decides that actually… he’d rather stay. The conflict between the crazy Free Armies and the even crazier U.S. Government “is a war of extremes pushing against each other,” says Roth. “But the stories lie in the middle. Here, in the city. That’s the interesting stuff.” He’s sticking around for the interesting stuff, and so am I. And so are you, goddamn it.

Adan: 1) It’s not fear, it’s hatred. 2) It’s not irrational, it’s based on history. How could rational people not hate a form of government which has killed millions of its own people almost every time it’s been implemented? 1072000 in Yugosalvia under Tito, 1663000 in North Korea under Kim Il-Sung and Kim Jong-Il, 1670000 in Vietnam under Ho Chi Minh, 2035000 in Cambodia under the Khmer Rouge, 61911000 in the Soviet Union, 76702000 in China under Mao and the PRC. Estimates are from here. Read the Black Book of Communism too, if you want to know more.

Laura: I’m not espousing Communism or saying that it’s an awesome way to run a country. It’s just that your hatred seems a little arbitrary and disproportionate. I mean, there are lots of bad things in life to hate, but you don’t go after fascists or anarchists or religious fanatics with the same kind of vitriol, or worry that they’re hiding around every corner, like you do with communists. Dude, you suggested I was a sympathizer because I like The Nightly News!

Adan: It only seems disproportionate because everybody else isn’t picking up the slack. You hear all the time about how awful Fascist Germany was and how many people they killed in their concentration camps. However, I never hear about how awful Soviet Russia was and how many people were killed in the Gulags or how awful Mao’s China was and how many people were killed in the Cultural Revolution. Communism seems to be almost mainstream right now, whereas Fascism is not. “Oh, look how cool it would be to have a Dictatorship of the Proletariat.” I will continue to scream about the evils of Communism until people start to listen.

And you might be a sympathizer not because you like that awful book The Nightly News (that just shows you have bad taste), but because you want to overthrow the Bourgeoisie.

*Frankly, that was uncalled for.

Fell #7

Laura: Richard Fell just loooves the Sherlock moment. You know, the big finale of the investigation where the shrewd detective unravels the nefarious plot, retracing the criminal’s steps and fateful missteps and grinning smugly as the evildoer finally stands exposed. Fell lives for that moment, both because he enjoys outwitting these human dregs, and because he really gets off on being a white hat and sticking it to the bad guys. Egotism is a dangerous weakness in almost any business, because in the end it’s really just about you, not the thing you’re trying to do. Fell’s about to learn this lesson the hard way, so grab some popcorn, and enjoy the hubris.

Adan: Okay, literature lesson time (there will be a quiz later): When Icarus flew too high on wings made of wax, the sun melted them and he plummeted to his death. When Oedipus thought he would deny fate, he ended up whacking his dad and boning his mom. When Macbeth thought he had eliminated all contenders for the Scottish throne save himself, Macduff comes over and kills him dead. So what happens when Detective Richard Fell thinks he can put away a murderer easy peasy by laying out all the facts of the case, smirking all the while? I told you there’d be a quiz.

Ghost Rider: Trail of Tears #1

Adan: The War of Yankee Aggression claimed many lives, and many families. Apparently, it also claimed one very special soul for one very special mission. Travis Parham is your run of the mill Confederate soldier. He was, anyway, until a particularly awful battle which ended in Southern defeat left Travis Parham for dead, to be found by a man who’d recently freed himself from slavery. And it’s this man that nurses Travis Parham back from the dead, ready to take vengeance on those that need it. Clayton Crain’s artwork is quite phenomenal in this book. It lends it a spooky feeling that a Ghost Rider book ought to have, even when the Ghost Rider himself is absent. And Ennis’ trademarked blood, guts, and debauchery is absent as well (mostly), proving he can write something that isn’t intended to totally gross you out.

Laura: Ghost Rider is crying a trail a tears, and it’s because he is not actually in this book. No, seriously, he’s not–but it’s pretty good, so who cares? A Rebel soldier is rescued from a bloody battlefield by a fiercely independent freeman, and as he recovers they transcend racial boundaries and gain mutual respect, in a manner that actually does not feel as stilted as it sounds. The art is creepy cool, especially when the nameless African gods of death make all the trees go crazy. No skulls are on fire just yet, but the book ends on an ominous note foreshadowing the crimes to come–and of course, the fiery vengeance bound to follow. Garth Ennis is practically the patron saint of excess, but he’s proved me wrong here, scripting a strong, simple tale that trades shock and flash for subtlety and ambience.

Maintenance #2

Laura: Doug and Manny, it’s official: I really like you guys. Not a like you like you sort of thing, but rather a strong fondness that would optimally lead to beers and Wii tournaments. I just really enjoy spending time with you. I like when you sit around talking about your weird dreams involving Happy Days characters; I like when you argue about disappearing chrono-mops; I like when you go back in time and bro down with over-entitled cavemen. Everything you do makes me smile! There are so many unlikable characters in comics these days, I guess because the operating theory is that being an asshole makes you interesting and complex and real, but I find it so refreshing that Doug and Manny are just nice guys that make me laugh, and still manage to seem more like people than most characters who wear costumes. High five, guys.

Adan: We know that we reviewed the first issue only a month and half ago or so, but no one seems to have listened. This book is ridiculously funny, and you have to read it. Let’s recap: Doug and Manny are janitors for TerroMax, the mad scientists’ answer to Wal-Mart. They clean up toxic spills, fix time machines, and chase down zombie kittens when they leave their cages. And they are nice, even though they work for some dastardly people (although, if all the mad scientists are interested in doing is making Mutant Peanut Armies or Flying Caveman Armies, I think their consciences are clear). Okay dudes, seriously: buy this book. If we did things like give ratings or whatever, this book would get the highest. It would get higher than the highest, it’s so good.

New Avengers #27

Laura: It’s the New New Avengers, reassembled yet again. This time we’ve got Luke Cage, Dr. Strange, Spider-Woman, Iron Fist, Wolverine, Ronin, Echo, and Spider-Man, in his still-unexplained black costume. I know that something Terrible is supposed to have happened, and that the costume now represents the unbearable blackness of his inner being, but Spidey still seems as wise-cracking and jovial as ever. I guess we all grieve in our own unique ways.

Anyway, Echo has been posing as Ronin in Japan for some time now, waging a one-woman war against the Hand and its leader, Elektra. Apparently everyone in the U.S. forgot about Maya Lopez and her vigilante cross-dressing because they were too busy playing Rebs and Yanks, and now she’s in a bit of a jam. Who can she possibly turn to for help? Insert shot of the new New Avengers, bursting through the wall like the Kool Aid Man. Ohhhh yeeeah.

Adan: Ronin was supposed to be this huge deal in New Avengers, appearing on damn near every cover, in fact. Unfortunately, Ronin only appeared in one arc, in which she was outed as Daredevil’s deaf ex-girlfriend Echo. And then nothing. Nothing until this issue (which is expertly drawn by one of my favorites, Leinil Francis Yu), in which she complains that she’s been left alone by the Avengers to fend for herself in Japan, which is essentially true, both in-continuity and from a writing perspective. She got left to rot, and it seems the only reason she’s being brought back is because there’s a new Ronin and I guess we need to make sure it’s not her again. Dammit, Bendis! You used to be awesonme! What the fuck happened?

Secret #1

Laura: There’s a little bit of wish fulfillment going on in this story, as a hot, popular chick invites our protagonist, Tommy Morris, to the cool kids party, and then totally cannot drop her panties fast enough once they’re alone. You know, because casual sex is what hot popular girls like to do with slightly uncool, socially inferior boys in high school. Anyway, the entertainment du jour at the cool kids party is prank calling random numbers and telling people on the other line “I know your secret!” Because that will soooo freak them out! They also tell their victims to come to a deserted local park in the middle of the night, so they can make fun of them. Sounds like the sort of thing that might be a bad idea if you were in a bad teen horror movie, which unfortunately this comic is. Sure enough, one of the people they prank is really scary and responds badly to these crazy kids “knowing [his] secret.” Then the entire high school brain trust heads down the park just to see if he’ll show up—oh, and did I mention they were calling from their cell phones without blocking their numbers? Cue nerve-wracking horror movie music! OooOoo!

Adan: What, now? What the fuck is this? Is this Sorority Slumber Party IV: Stupid Rich Jackasses Get Torn To Pieces Because They’re Stupid Rich Jackasses? Oh man, I have so much contempt for this bull… There is spittle in the corners of my mouth, I am so… Okay, I won’t let it get to me. Don’t buy this. It’s crap. I’m done.

X-men: Phoenix Warsong #5

Adan: “Our hearts are diamond now. Permanently. We’ll never feel anything ever again. But the Phoenix will never escape.” So says Celeste, the more balanced of the Cuckoos (although balanced here is a relative term) at the end of this excremental mini-series. Boo-fucking-hoo, the Cuckoos will never feel anything ever again, and Emma Frost blames it all on Jean Grey, even though she’s been dead for a few years. Whatever, the real tragedy here is that with this bullshit treating of the Cuckoos, all vestiges of the great Morrison run on X-men are gone. Now I’ve nothing but this to look forward to until the Fourth Coming.

Laura: After everything goes to shit because Celeste and the other Cuckoos can’t control the Phoenix, Emma gives a painfully cloying speech about how Celeste is such a strong person, and maybe she really can control the Phoenix! You know, despite the fact that nobody can. “I’m thinking… I’m hoping… That’s why the Phoenix chose you Celeste… I think… I think you have work to do… Phoenix work.” Oh Emma, what have they done to you? You’re supposed to be acerbic and imperious, not a simpering little bitch who cries at the sky and speechifies about hearts and feelings while constantly trailing off into ellipses. The book ends with the Phoenix Force locked away in the Cuckoos’ cold, diamond hearts of symbolism, apparently extinguishing their wooden little emotions. “If I could feel anything… I think I would cry!” Me too, sweetheart. Me too.

And Others…

Adan: So, the much ballyhoed Dark Tower is also out this week. I read it, and I had the same problem I did with The Hedge Knight: it seemed like I was reading an adapted story. But that’s okay because Jae Lee’s art is freaking awesome. Also, he’s really cute (I saw him at the Midtown signing last night). He may be the cutest guy in comics today.

Laura: My, aren’t we fickle. I thought you said BKV was the cutest guy in comics. But now you’ve just tossed him aside for the next pretty face. Shame on you, Adan. Shame on you.

Adan: Actually, I said BKV was the most handsome man in comics (which he still totally is). Jae Lee may be the cutest. And I think Grant Morrison is the sexiest (have you seen that photo where he’s just in his tighty-whities? oh my God, my knees are getting wobbly just thinking about it).

Laura: I can’t say that I’m ready to put any of those guys on the cover of the Teen Beat magazine inside my heart. I think you and I have some very, very different ideas about what makes men attractive.

Adan: Alright, so who would be on the cover of the Teen Beat magazine in your heart? Inquiring minds want to know.

Laura: I’ll never tell. A girl has to have her secrets.

AG Super Erotic Anthology #50

Laura: Mom, Dad—I love you guys. And I totally appreciate how you read this column every week, even though you have no idea what I’m talking about. Unfortunately, I’m gonna have to ask you to sit this one out. Seriously, stop reading now. Trust me, this is for your own good.

Adan: Comics come in all shapes and sizes, in all genres and for all age groups. This one is strictly for the over 18 crowd, so little boys and girls, go find your parents and tell them I specifically told you not to read this review (which is all about colossal cock and soaking snatch, by the way). I’m not a Puritan or anything and I’ve seen a lot of porn (I used to write copy for Penthouse Video which featured nothing but naked women sucking and fucking, so don’t judge), but my personal line is drawn well before rape and incest porn, which is what most of this book is. I guess that does it for some people (including most of the Japanese since this is usually what Japanese porn looks like… seriously, don’t judge), but it doesn’t do it for me (don’t worry about what does, you don’t need to know). However, this book makes no pretensions as to what it is, like Tarot and Lady Death do. This book is all about nipple nabbing and pussy pounding all the time, sometimes with your sexy sister and sometimes against your will (sort of), and it won’t pretend it’s not. I can at least respect the creators for that much.

Laura: I am aware that you are a porn professional, Adan, and that your sensibilities have grown cold and hard (no pun intended) through countless viewings of every sexual configuration and fetish the adult video industry has to offer. I, for one, thought that the internet in all its glorious deviance had prepared me for the AG Super Erotic Anthology. I was wrong.

The first story is about two students who realize that their meaningless sexual relationship has blossomed into love, and they christen this revelation by having graphic sex on a rooftop. Somehow this turns her into a prefectural governor. Yeah, I don’t know either. Regardless, it’s by far the high point of the book, and kinda sweet in the sense that it involves consensual sex between two people who are not related, and a woman that is treated mostly like a person. You’re not going to get much more of that. Here’s how the rest of the book breaks down: violent rape and degradation, degradation, and then straight up incest with a girl so young it is probably statutory rape. I know that it takes diff’rent strokes to move the world and all that, but come on–this isn’t just offensive, it’s extremely unsexy, and also boring. If your standards for eroticism are this low and banal, I feel sorry for you and everyone you sleep with. In a world where there is so very, very much porn to choose from, you choose the AG Super Erotic Anthology? Hey, whatever. I’ll just be over here, reading Lost Girls and silently judging you.

American Virgin #11

Laura: I’m not sure I believe Adam Chamberlain anymore, when he talks about his deep and unwavering religious convictions. But then, I’m not sure he believes himself either. It’s hard to deal with a crisis of faith when you’re a high profile evangelical, and not even 21. The third arc begins with Adam clinging to his faith on a surface level, while also mentally undressing girls at the beach and attending Eyes Wide Shut-style orgies. The orgy is totally ok though, because he’s really only there to discover God’s plan. (I’m sure it all made sense at the time.) I know he’s just trying to keep it together in the public eye while falling apart in private, and I feel bad for the kid. Still, he’s gotta pick a side eventually. Either he rejects his doubts and temptations, or he stops preaching black and white morality to the rest of the world. And unless you want to end up like Ted Haggard someday, I suggest you get off your high horse and come on down to world of imperfection and complexity where the rest of us live.

On a final note, what is up with the cover? Why is he wearing eyeliner? When you think God doesn’t love you anymore, I guess that means it’s time go emo. All he needs to complete the picture are some beat-up Chuck Taylors, and tears. I can practically hear Bright Eyes playing in the background.

Adan: I still hate this book. Mostly because Adam is still a hypocritical ass, but at least he’s receiving visions from his dead girlfriend, so there’s that. However, he also blackmailed his stepdad into going to see Cyndi at the hospital. And before that he said, “My faith in our Lord has not wavered one bit.” What complete and utter bullshit. God, I hate this book. That said, I can step back and see that my hatred for this book comes not because the book is badly written or badly drawn (in fact, Becky Cloonan draws awesomely), but because Adam Chamberlain is a hypocritical ass and I cannot abide hypocritical asses. So, I’m sorry Steven T. Seagle and Becky Cloonan, but your main character makes me hate your book a lot.

Ex Machina #26

Adan: This is the start of the Blackout arc and I’m all a-twitter for it. It’s gonna be great reliving the eight mile walk from Midtown Manhattan all the way to my house in Queens in the middle of the night and then coming to a house with no A/C. But seriously folks, BKV is still the most handsome man in comics and he still knows how to write good books (I think he’s the only writer whom I have unconditionally loved; even Grant Morrison and Alan Moore have written some awful things, but not BKV). Mayor Hundred talks about the hole that is still the World Trade Center, he talks to his mom, Kremlin and January talk some more about fucking up Hizonner’s plans, and some dude in a deep-diving suit shows up to commit some mayhem. Just read it, it’s great. Also, does anybody have BKV’s phone number? I wanted to call him up, you know, just to chat. Maybe he wants to get a drink with me, or a quick bite to eat. You know, whatever.

Laura: Although BKV is admittedly one up on all the other bald white men in the industry, he is hardly the sexiest man in comics. I’m not going to name any names, I’m just saying.

There’s a lot of pseudo-realism in this issue, as we explore 9/11, the Twin Towers redesign, and the NYC blackout of 2003, all delightfully twisted by the Ex Machina universe. Things are getting more complicated for Mayor Hundred; he pays a long overdue visit to his momma under the pretense of meeting a lady friend, and assures a cautious Rick that he can “trust this girl.” But can he? Seems that mommie dearest has been spending an awful lot of time with Kremlin, who is currently in league with January to subvert Hundred’s administration. Ooh, the intrigue. Also, a crazy scuba man emerges from the deep, shooting lightning from his crazy scuba suit. All this, and more.

Hellboy Animated: The Black Wedding

Adan: Well, it’s not as good as a real Hellboy yarn (and it’s also not in continuity), but I guess it’ll do in a pinch. Mike Mignola doesn’t even get credited for anything except for creating the characters (although Tad Stones does mention him in his introduction a lot). It’s just light, fluffy fun. It won’t win any awards, but neither will it burn out your eyes. Just turn your brain off for a little while and enjoy the Hellboy-flavored candy that you know you deserve. And watch the animated movie, too. I hear it’s pretty good.

Laura: The animated movie apparently integrates a story from the real Hellboy comic called “Heads,” which Hellboy fans tell me is just awesome. I haven’t seen it yet, but I hear good things. This comic is… well, it’s a lot like the Gargoyles comic, but with Hellboy. The short story at the end about Li’l Hellboy emulating his TV hero Lobster Johnson is pretty endearing, but overall it’s exactly what you’d expect from a comic book version of a cartoon–no more and no less.

The Phantom Annual #1

Adan: I’ve never read any Phantom before, but this was pretty good. It’s just some down home pulpy goodness in which five different Ghosts Who Walk take on a quest that will span four centuries. There are five pieces of a jade dragon which legend tells will unleash the power and fury of a real dragon that was captured and imprisoned in antiquity, and the Phantom cannot allow the Singh Brotherhood to acquire any of the pieces. The five Phantoms tell each of their part of the story in their journals (for posterity’s sake, one assumes), but each entry doesn’t feel like a different voice. The five Phantoms certainly act differently in their part of the story, they just seem to write exactly the same. Oh well, it’s still good pulp. Check it out if you just want some simple adventure tales.

Laura: The cool part about this book is that there aren’t just five different stories for five different Phantoms–there are actually five different creative teams as well. Each tale and time period has a distinct look and feel, and it’s all delightfully pulpy and swashbuckling. This book makes me wish I were ten years old, reading it under the sheets by flashlight after my bedtime.

Teen Titans #43

Adan: Why is it that when a team faces a grave new threat, they’re always separated? All the kids are doing their own things when Deathstroke’s new Titans East team attacks them: Robin, Wonder Girl, and Raven are in the Robin-Cave (where he was trying to clone Superboy) in Frisco, Kid Devil’s at a church in Los Feliz, California, Cyborg and Miss Martian are in Louisiana at Belle Reve talking to Bombshell, and Jericho and Ravager are in New York visiting Nightwing. So of course the bad guys attack. C’mon Titans, it’s like painting four to seven bullseyes on yourselves whenever you split up. But I’m still very much interested in most of the Titans East kids’ backstories. Except for that Kid Crusader guy. Hey, buddy, aren’t you supposed to be taking over for the Confessor in Astro City?

Laura: The theme of this issue is family–getting it, having it, and losing it. Jericho and Ravager finally have it, but Deathstroke wants it back, and he’s going to take it away from everyone else. Also, the first page introduces Robin as Tim Drake, “protoge to Batman.” No accent aigu either. For Christ’s sake, is spell-check really that hard? There’s no electrical shock connected to the F7 key, I swear.

Ultimate Civil War: Spider-Ham (featuring Wolverham) #1

Laura: I had a good feeling about this book from the moment I saw the be-pigged Marvel characters crowding around a blood-soaked dollar sign on the cover. Within the first few pages, Spider-Ham bemoans the demise of thought balloons, and starts breaking the fourth wall to collect his own caption boxes right off the page. With the help of Dr. Strange, he travels to strange and different universes in search of thought balloons–or really, just to show us hilarious pig-versions of various Marvel characters, which is fine by me. The book as a whole doesn’t totally live up the promise of the first few pages, and it’s kind of one-note… but hey, it’s a pretty good note.

Adan: Not as funny as the Wha Huh!? special awhile back, nor as funny as the whole Civil War nonsense unintentionally is currently, but still somewhat funny. The spiel here is that Spider-Ham needs to find his thought balloons because he’s tired of caption boxes (come to think of it, so am I). And so he has to travel through the multiverse assuming new, pork-related guises for single pages (sometimes less) in order to find them. My favorites of the bunch: Green Ham (and Eggs) and Aunt Ham (yes, I spelled that correctly). However, I don’t think it’s worth the… oh wait, it’s actually only $2.99. That’s surprising. Fuck it, go out and get it. What else are you buying this week anyway?

Walking Dead #34

Adan: This issue was alright. Nothing special. Kirkman just can’t seem to wow me on this book unless he is torturing some bastard. This book continues to be just another ho-hum, lackluster zombie book (except for the few times when it says something insightful about the human condition, like last issue). I know it’s supposedly the greatest thing since sliced zombie bread (made with real brains), but I just can’t bring myself to care (by the way, yes it is weird to praise Kirkman for the complete awesomeness that is Invincible one week, and then saying he bores me on Walking Dead the very next week).

Laura: If nobody’s spooning eyes out of sockets, you’re just not happy, are you? Also: you’re wrong. This is far more than just another zombie book, and although its excellence has ebbed and flowed at moments, it’s still goddamn great. I don’t particularly like horror, in any medium, and I don’t really care about zombies. But I care about Rick and Glenn and Michonne and the lives they are trying to eke out in this living hell, and I give huge props to Kirkman for the terrifying, touching story he has given us about what it means to be human in the face of overwhelming inhumanity. Don’t tell anyone, but I think you might be my favorite, Kirkman. And hearts semi-colon.

And Others…

Adan: I really wanted to do Snakewoman this week, but it turns out Laura now has this cushy job with Virgin Comics and it’d be a conflict of interest for her to remark upon the books from her new company. You goddamn sellout! What happened to integrity!? What happened to honor!? What happened to saying what needed to be said, damn the Man!? Now, now you are the Man. I thought I knew you… …That said, if Marvel calls up offering me a job, then Civil War is the best comic ever, and Reginald Hudlin’s Black Panther is sheer bloody genius. A tour de force, one might be persuaded to say, if said persuasion came with benefits and a hefty pay raise.

Laura: If my (PART-TIME) job is so cushy, how come I still can’t afford premium brands of cereal? God, I’m so sick of Tasteeos. Also, I think the whole point of not reviewing comics by companies that pay me is to preserve my integrity. Plus, nothing is stopping you from talking about those titles. I know that I am your personal lighthouse, guiding you through the rocky shoals of comic book reviews, but I truly believe you can do this on your own. Let me know if you need me to hold your hand. I’m there for you, bro.

Adan: If by guiding light and holding my hand, you mean shooting me in the goddamn back, then yes, yes you do.

Laura: My likes include long walks on the beach and shooting into melee. You’ve always known that about me.

Listen up, kids. If you care, read your comics BEFORE you read the column this week. We spoil the hell out of the very crappy Civil War: The Return and the quite excellent Invincible, as well as Silent War and Wolverine, although not as much. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

100 Bullets #80

Adan: This book is harder to understand than a Chinese man with a Scottish accent speaking broken Spanish. And yet, I keep reading it, because while I may not be entirely sure what it’s trying to say, I’m enjoying the hell out of watching it say it. Risso’s art is, as always, top notch, which is part of the reason why this book is still fun even though I don’t really know what’s going on. But the real fun, at least for me, is trying to figure out what is going on. Azzarello’s sparse dialogue and wonderful use of visual metaphors, as well as his sing-song attitude towards scene changes just sparks the English major in me in a big way and I just want to dissect the piece until I figure out what’s making it tick. I’m still dissecting, and I assume that I’ll keep on dissecting until the end of the series, and even then, I may have to dissect a little more.

Laura: I’ve only read the first trade, a problem I plan to rectify as soon as someone lends me the rest, but as it stands I’m not really qualified to comment on 100 Bullets. This is a complicated and layered book that relies heavily on your knowledge of previous issues, which I do not have. Trying to make sense of this single out of sequence was almost as stupid as the time I picked up Seven Soldiers for the very first time on its very last issue.

Adan: You didn’t even read this, did you? All this “I’m not qualified” nonsense is merely a smokescreen for your Tuesday night debaucheries, isn’t it?

Laura: I totally read it! Off the top of my head: Diz got kidnapped, and one guy compared anal sex to kryptonite, which is probably the detail that stuck with me most vividly. And for your information, I stayed in Tuesday night and did not debauch anything.

Civil War: The Return

Laura: I’m about to tell you who returns, so if you don’t want this spoiled, then avert your eyes! Also, remember to avert them from the cover as you buy it, since that pretty much spoils it too. Here’s the big reveal: Captain Mar-Vell is back from the dead… but not really! And he’s pro-reg. Also, Sentry is pro-reg. Which you already knew. Now you have effectively read this book, so please do not buy it. Buying worthless Civil War titles only encourages more bullshit—kind of like feeding seagulls at the beach. Do not feed the animals, or else the next time Marvel is crapping all over you with another sprawling, pointless crossover event, know that you brought it upon yourself.

Adan: An apropos metaphor. Frankly, this book does suck. Why did Marvel think this was a good idea, bringing back Captain Mar-Vell? I guess after Bucky and Uncle Ben, it was open fucking season, huh? Also, those publishing rights must’ve been about to run out too. He’s the warden of the Negative Zone prison? Does that make sense to anybody in the world? And that stupid Sentry story where he decides he’s pro-registration for like the third time: what’s the deal with killing off the Absorbing Man and then telling me he’ll be back in the SAME GODDAMN PANEL!? I guess now I can’t complain when characters come back from the dead because you’ve told me they will. Oh wait, yes I can.

Invincible #38

Adan: When I first started reading Invincible, there were only three trades out. I read them all super fast, and then patiently waited for the next trade. Unfortunately, I totally forgot to keep reading this book, so I didn’t read anything again until this weekend. Laura said she wanted to do this book, and I hemmed and I hawwed because I really didn’t want to have to read all the trades that had cropped up in the interim in order to catch up. In fact, I almost decided just to read this issue and pretend I knew what I was talking about. But I bit the bullet and read all the trades and the two issues before this one not currently in trade (I even read the Official Handbook). And am I super happy that I did. The emotional body blow of Mark kissing Atom Eve on the last page would have totally been lost on me. I probably would have just called him a cheating whore and made some kind of flippant comment about what a dick Mark is for doing that to Amber and blah, blah, blah. The reality is that… well, the reality is that Mark did fuck up and will have to deal with that, but is Amber really the right girl for him? Eve can take care of herself and she understands the superhero life in a way Amber never will. But Mark will have to choose, and very, very soon. He also better tell Amber regardless of what he chooses because it’s the right thing to do.

…Also, I’m a huge girl.

In an effort to re-establish the testosterone in my body, let me also mention that Rus Livingston, the NASA astronaut left on Mars, is heading towards Earth as the host for the Sequids and that Allen the Alien is back, and stronger than ever. Both of these things make for awesome future stories as only Kirkman can tell them.

And since I’ve already written a book here, let me also say that Robert Kirkman’s writing on this book is phenomenal. He juggles all his subplots effortlessly and lets them simmer just long enough in the background before bringing them to the forefront as full-fledged plots. And even when very little happens, it feels like everything is happening, but in a good way. I’ve not felt overwhelmed while reading this book because I could forget about subplots until I was subtly reminded. The Sequids thing? Totally forgotten (even though I just read the trades), but when Rus showed up again, I was “Oh yeah” and then Kirkman moved on, and I moved on with him.

Look, this book is awesome, and if you’re not reading it, then something is wrong with you, like it was wrong with me until just very recently.

Laura: Invincible professes to be “probably the best superhero book in the universe.” It is a bold claim indeed, but after reading through the entire run in the last several hours, I think there’s a pretty strong case for it. Top-notch art, careful, intelligent plotting and a fun factor through the roof conspire to make this a book that should be on everyone’s top ten. I don’t just like Kirkman as a writer, I trust him. I give myself over to his stories wholly and utterly, because he has earned it, and because he makes it so much goddamn fun to suspend your disbelief. And the good news is, it’s only getting better.

I was not actually planning to spoil the Eve-smooching finale, but since that ship has sailed, here’s what I think: Good for you, Mark Grayson. This was a very, very smart move, assuming you don’t screw it up next issue by waffling back and forth until they *both* hate you. I’m sure you care about Amber and that your relationship has been very meaningful, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be 2getha 4eva. Let’s be honest: you probably won’t, because the sad fact is that although you may love her, love isn’t always enough. You don’t live in the same world, you don’t have enough in common, and she’s never going to be able to relate to you or share your life the way Eve can. Eve is sweet, smart, smokin’ hot, and a superhero, just like you—and that’s worth turning your world upside-down for.

Why? Because life is very short, windows of opportunity can close, and you’ve got to take chances while you can. Think you know a girl who could be The One? Go after her, or regret it forever. Remember: someday you will be dead. And then you will not get to ask that girl out, because your only date for the rest of eternity will be with the cold embrace of the graaave.

Adan:: Yeah, we should all be hedonistic whores out for ourselves while we can still screw over other people. …Okay, that was harsh, but that’s what you sounded like. The problem is not that Eve might be The One, it’s that both Eve and Amber might be The One, and he has to choose between them (personally, I wished he’d chosen before cheating on his current girlfriend) and the choosing of one over the other means he will close one door, destroy one opportunity in favor of another. The One could be left on the side, never to be encountered again, all because you rushed a very important decision because “life is very short.”

Laura: I’ve seen virtually no evidence that Amber is The One–a charming first love to be sure, but not a lifelong partner. And my point is not that you should act like a huge whore because you’re impulsive and horny; it’s that you shouldn’t be afraid to take risks and go after what you want, even when it’s complicated and inconvenient. Yes, it would have been better to break up with Amber before he kissed Eve, but since when are the beginnings and ends of relationships perfectly neat and clean? The real test of his moral center is not what he did, but what he does next.

Adan: I’ve seen virtually no evidence that Eve is The One–a fellow superhero who no doubt can relate to many things that Mark is going through, but this does not The One make. Rex Splode and Dupli Kate can relate to Mark too, but they aren’t even in contention for The One. And why does Mark all of a sudden want Eve? He wasn’t even thinking about her in a romantic way (with the exception of his first crush way back when) until he found out from future Eve that she loved him. My point is that he doesn’t know what he wants, and therefore can’t “go after” either of them (although, again, he shouldn’t be “going after” anybody what with having a girlfriend already). And it’s not that relationships should be neat and clean, but they should definitely be honest. If in the next two issues (barring any unforseen global atack) Mark doesn’t tell Amber about this kiss, regardless of what he’s feeling for who (actually, he should probably tell he’s conflicted too), I’m going to have to not like him anymore. This will undoubtedly cause problems, and may even end their relationship, but at least he’s being honest.

Moon Knight #7

Adan: Okay, Marvel, sit down. That’s right, sit your collective ass down. Avi Arad can’t tell you what to do anymore. If you want to make a book a MAX book, you can. Any book. If you want the Power Pack to grow up to be a bunch of crack addicts who suck cock for rock, you can (wow, I think I scared myself just a little bit there). It’s okay. You don’t have to pretend to be an all-ages book when you so obviously aren’t. Wait, you’re not pretending this is an all-ages book? Then why is there no parental advisory tag on the cover of the book to let parents know that this super-hero book which ties into your super-mega ultra super-hero crossover event has a man running around with a skinned face and a scene in which some mystery man keeps grabbing some mystery woman’s ass and talking about how he totally would have done her right if he still had a working penis? Oh, and all those little asterisks? We know what they mean. We know what you really wanted to say there. You thought it was clever and gets around the R rating, or whatever? Well then, Marvel, **** you.

Laura: Whoever wrote the introduction recapping the book needs to invest in a grammar checker. Sure, sentence fragments have their place, and in the right hands they can be effective stylistic tools. Unfortunately, these were not the right hands. Also, I’m not interested in moralizing about the content, although the fairly extreme sexual harassment by the decomposing guy (and the woman’s indifferent “oh, you” response) didn’t exactly win me over. What’s more important is that despite the gory faces and creepy grab-assing and foul language, it still manages to be boring. Next.

Mouse Guard #6

Laura: Before I tell you how good the sixth and final issue of Mouse Guard was—and it was very good indeed—I’m afraid I have to nitpick first. Because I am a pedant, and the word “their” was misspelled not once, but twice within the first two pages. How many people involved in the production of this book failed to notice that the third word of dialogue was spelled “thier”? Jesus. Fix it in the trade, ok? Moving on…

The siege of Lockhaven begins, with the noble Guardmice risking all to hold off the invading forces of Midnight’s militia. Yes, the characters have a cuteness factor somewhere between Snuggle Bear and fuzzy wuzzy baby bunnies, but that doesn’t stop them from stabbing each other in the head with daggers. There’s a dramatic confrontation as the true Black Axe faces down the pretender that has assumed his mantle, with the fate of the Lockhaven and the Mouse Guard hanging in the balance. As a finale, this does not disappoint, and my one and only regret about this book is that it’s over now. I suppose I will have to console myself with the upcoming line of toys, which have a roughly 90% chance of adorable.

Adan: Alright, I noticed the first misspelled “their,” but where is the second? A re you talking about the line “There is a way into Lockhaven…,” because that’s correct grammar. Well, regardless, this final issue is, in fact, super awesome. Just for a second forget they’re tiny little mice. Forget they’re soft and cuddly. Picture Roman centurions, Celtic barbarians, or Norse vikings instead because that’s what these little bastards really are. The faux Black Axe is leading a horde of rebel mice against Lockhaven in an attempted coup. And the elite Mouse Guard are the only ones who stand in “thier” way. Well, them and a bunch of bees. Bees are awesome. Like a Dungeons & Dragons character of mine recently found out, they will sting you until either you or they die. Bees don’t fuck around. They’re balls nasty.

Laura: I see that Adan did not read the introduction on the interior cover, where the initial spelling transgression lies. Do you need a copy editor, Archaia? Seriously, I’ll help. Usually spelling and grammar mistakes make me angry, but these are so obvious that I just kinda feel sorry for you.

Ninja Tales

Laura: In the fine tradition of Cthulu Tales and Zombie Tales, BOOM brings us Ninja Tales, an anthology of stories about everyone’s favorite Japanese assassins. There are the rote, but entertaining tales of espionage and stealth in the feudal era, but also more irreverent fare, like one story where an ass-kicking Einstein catches ninja swords between his hands, and another that sees a geriatric ninja and samurai sparring from their wheelchairs in a hospital. The highlight, for me, is “Ninja School Dropout,” a snarky but extremely likeable story set in a high school for aspiring ninja, where students are prone to scrawling graffiti like “SAMURAIS SUCK” on the walls. Our protagonist, the son of a famous ninja, isn’t exactly gung-ho about his awesome heritage, and treats his classes with the same lackadaisical disinterest of high school students everywhere. Between the disappointed sighs of school administrators and a deadly rivalry with Samurai High, our protagonist would really rather be a painter. And I would really rather see this as an ongoing title—surely Henry Alonzo Myers has more stories to tell at the Ninja School for Boys, and I, for one, would love to read them.

Adan: This thing is really good. There are serious stories, there are not so serious stories, and there are flat out hilarious stories. “Desert Sun” (which features Einstein as an asskicker) and “Special Needs Ninjas!” are by far the best of the bunch. After a ninja is surprised that an old man can take him on, Einstein replies “You think I could unravel the secrets of the universe through science only?!” and then “Your ninja parlor tricks are no match for German alchemy and Egyptian xeno-math!!!” That’s right ninja, he’s going to e=mc^2 all over your ass! And the “Special Needs Ninjas!” is just hilarious. An old samurai and an old ninja trying to settle a centuries long feud in a retirement home. They get the nurses to help them roll their wheelchairs around and swing their blades at each other. Those two stories are worth the price of admission alone, but you also get a cool assassination tale as the first story and Laura’s beloved “Ninja School Dropout,” as well as two other stories that aren’t as good, but they can’t all be gems.

Silent War #1

Adan: Remember way back when, when I told you how much I loved Frazer Irving’s art (it was in a review of Seven Soldiers: Klarion that seems to not be on the site anymore)? I still do. It’s fucking fantastic (he also does Robin this week, since Klarion’s guest-starring there and all). His Inhumans are the best I’ve ever seen, especially Gorgon and Medusa, apologies to all previous Inhuman artists. You guys don’t suck; you’re just not this good. I’m also excited to see the Inhumans’ declaration of war at the end of Son of M followed up. I was certain Marvel had totally forgotten about it, what with their Civil War nonsense flaring up around them (although Hudlin did mention it in his horrible Black Panther, so, props for that, I guess). The Inhumans, who were wronged by the United States when the O*N*E took the Terrigen Mists from them in Genosha after Quicksilver stole them, decide to stage a terrorist attack in the middle of New York City. Granted, it wasn’t supposed to end with dead bodies, but you know what they say about making omelettes. They say you gotta yank the heads off some Hollywood types, that’s what.

Laura: I suppose it was inevitable that there be a reckoning for the whole “stealing the Inhumans’ sacred superpowed mist” incident, and here it is. The art is attractive, but the story doesn’t move me. Is it wrong that I don’t really care? Because I don’t really care. And if I wasn’t completely sure of that, the impractical and frankly ridiculous ending sealed the deal. Next.

Adan: Out of curiousity, what about the ending was impractical and ridiculous? I think I know what you’re talking about, but I want to make sure.

Laura: I was talking about the whole “let’s reexpose an Inhuman to superpower-endowing Terrigen Mists–just to see what happens–with no apparent security measures in place” thing. What could possibly go wrong?

Wolverine #50

Adan: Sigh. A very long and exasparated sigh. Why do I care about Wolverine and Sabretooth’s umpteenth fight to the death to end all fights to the death? Tell me, Jeph Loeb. Write me a letter or something, because you certainly didn’t show me in the book when I was reading it. I hope your little line about how Wolverine will become Sabretooth no matter what wasn’t meant to be taken literally, because that would just suck all kinds of balls. And I think you’re smart enough to know that, so here’s hoping. Even Simone Bianchi’s art, which I normally love, is subpar here. That ‘mutiple images’ thing he does when Wolverine jumps out the window kind of hurt me in my heart, as if Bianchi had done specifically to hurt me, but that’s obviously crazy talk… right? And the black and white version looks even worse, for some reason. It’s as if the coloring was actually hiding bad art instead of enhancing good art.

The one shining bit about this book is the short story in the back remixing Wolverine’s first battle with the Hulk, with Ed McGuinness on art. It’s really funny to see the Wolverine of today reminisce about the costume and dialogue of the Wolverine back then. Although, why is the Wolverine of today talking like he isn’t Canadian? Twice he says something along the lines of “Damn Canadians” like he isn’t one of them. What’s up with that?

Laura: Are you ready? I said, are you ready? Because this is it! It’s the Wolverine vs. Sabretooth fight to end all Wolverine vs. Sabretooth fights! Again! Sigh. It’s inherently ridiculous at this point, kinda like the game Final Fight 3–because if it were really so goddamn “final” we wouldn’t be doing it again, now would we?

Wolverine comes calling at the X-Mansion, where Sabretooth is now cozily housed, and throws him through a window. And it’s on! They yell the obligatory death threats, and announce that it’s finally “time to finish it.” Really! For really real! If by “finish” they mean repeat the same redundant and not particularly exciting fight they’ve been having for years, then yeah–they kinda do that. The only new twist is that suddenly Creed is a Latin scholar, and Loeb has decided to start cribbing from Ultimate X-Men for his Dramatic Plot Twists. If you really want to see the fight you’ve been waiting for, skip to the back of the book for the Ultimate Hulk vs. Wolverine story that wasn’t, remixed via a dream sequence with Wolverine’s first appearance. Otherwise, pray to your chosen deity that this whole quod sum eris thing is just a sorta lame metaphor, and not a really, really lame editorial decision.

And Others…

Adan: If you’re still in the mood for an anthology book after reading Ninja Tales, then check out Image’s Low Orbit Anthology. All the artists in this book of sci-fi and fantasy shorts are phenomenal, and most of the stories aren’t half bad either. Personally, I enjoyed “Little Medusa’s Big Day Out” the most.

Cable/Deadpool #36

Adan: There is no Cable in this issue. It’s all Deadpool, and that’s the way I like it. After the spanking Deadpool received when Cable made a fool out out of him on international TV in order to discredit the Registration Act, Deadpool’s been a man on a mission trying to prove that he actually is an awesome merc. He enlists the aid of the Taskmaster (who’s recently been humiliated by Moon Knight). This book has been pretty funny since it’s inception (though not as funny as Joe Kelly’s Deadpool or Priest’s Black Panther) and it only gets funnier without the half of the buddy movie who has a savior complex.

Laura: Although I usually enjoy the Cable/Deadpool dynamic, it’s nice to see my favorite mercenary cutting loose without his usual foil. Deadpool concocts a wonderfully harebrained scheme to regain his lost stature, which manages to prove that he is dangerous and crazy, though perhaps lacking in business acumen.

Fantastic Four #542

Adan: Reed enlists the Thinker to check his math, which predicts the future, while Johnny tries to get Ben back to the states from his sojourn in France. Okay, math that predicts the future, your sole reason for being pro-Reg, and you haven’t gotten anyone to check it yet!? What the hell’s the matter with you? You really are the dumbest genius in the world! And Thing, how can you willingly stay in France? Why not go to less obnoxious places like Spain or Italy, or head out of the Western world entirely and hit Iraq (I hear they could use the help there), India, or Malaysia. Those are all fine places to hang out (except for Iraq) while you wait for this Civil War nonsense to finish up already. Those are some of the places I’d go if I could to wait this thing out.

Laura: This is a particularly bad issue of Fantastic Four, wherein we learn that math is actually magic, and The Right Thing to Do can always be predicted by equations. I did not know that. More painfully, Reed Richards and Johnny play talking heads and rehash the same simplistic, repetitive arguments that have been repeated ad nauseum since this whole godforsaken crossover started last summer. Civil War has basically been like a six month episode of The McLaughlin Group interrupted by occasional splash pages, and I’m sick of it. Stop pretending that you’re really dealing with complicated sociopolitical issues, stop pretending that you’re a tour de force, and above all, stop pretending that you mean something, Civil War, because you don’t.

Helmet of Fate: Detective Chimp #1

Adan: MONKEYS!!! I love monkeys. I especially love detective monkeys who can talk and who dress like Sherlock Holmes (which is why I’m seemingly single-handedly making sure people read Shadowpact. Are you reading Shadowpact? ‘Cause you should be), and this one-shot showcases both of those things (I say one-shot ’cause that’s what DC says, but it’s really issue one of a five-part mini). Detective Chimp talks and solves crimes and then the Helmet of Fate finds him once again. However, the Helmet has been apparently traveling through space for the last year. No mention of Ralph Dibny and his quest to resurrect his wife that is currently going on in the pages of 52.

Laura: Detective Chimp doesn’t really want to deal with the Helmet of Fate, so he has it thrown out into space so hard that it bounces off the edge of the universe (?) and ricochets back to Earth a year later, to the precise spot where he happens to be standing at that moment, and hits him on the head. Which is the most ridiculously improbable sequence of events ever, but that just means it’s fate. And so, Detective Chimp finally accepts his destiny and dons the helmet, making a priceless “oh” face of monkey revelation as the secrets of the universe reveal themselves. Hijinks ensue.

Lady Death: Lost Souls #2

Adan: I hate to admit it, but Lady Death is not the worst comic in the world (at least this one isn’t). Yes, all the characters are fighting demons and such in clothes that could hardly be called such, but at least said clothes don’t magically disappear to reveal ample bosoms and freshly-shaved pubic areas. There is a plot (it’s not very good, but it’s there) and it’s about a bad guy named Sinner who’s trying to get some powerful artifacts by using the Seven Deadly Sins, which he created a millenia ago. Listen, that’s not important. What’s important is that while this book sucks a lot, it doesn’t suck as much as Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose. People who read Lady Death are slightly higher on the ladder than people who read Tarot. And frankly, the worst part about this book is the ridiculous amount of covers. We can’t stick to a regular number like three or four? Why do you have to always do a minimum of five? Also, if you don’t want that pesky plot to get in the way of your cheesecake, then pick up Lady Death: Warrior Temptress which features a bunch of pin-ups featuring Lady Death in various guises like Barbarian, Brave, and Mermaid, to name a few.

Laura: I’m so sorry I read this book. I barely even have the will to make fun of it. All right: there’s this guy that seems to control the seven deadly sins. His name is Sinner (yup!). Lady Death and her band of gothic hoes are fighting him in Jerusalem during the Crusades, and they all predictably fall prey to one deadly sin or another. One of the women is possessed by Lust as an excuse to lez it up, and then other things happen, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all just worthless and bad. Tarot at least is so ridiculously bad that it’s funny, but there’s nothing funny about Lady Death. A pox on you, Lady Death, and all five million of your stupid covers.

Love As A Foreign Language, Vol 6

Adan: A funny, heartwarming story about a Canadian guy lives and works in Korea, yet hates the place until he falls in love. Joel and Hana finally consumate their love (uh, metaphorically speaking) just in time to for Joel’s visa to expire and the English school to be shut down. Dun-dun-dun! But before that, Joel and Hana behave like people just falling in love always do: sweet, sappy, and ridiculously cute. If you haven’t read the previous five volumes, do yourself a favor and pick them up. They’re still widely available and super good. Plus, this volume will make more sense.

Laura: How can you consummate love metaphorically? Are they fucking each other on a spiritual plane? Regardless, this book wasn’t made available to me so I haven’t actually read it, but it sounds like it’s right up my alley. I used to teach EFL in Japan and I’m pretty sure this would resonate in a big way, and probably charm the pants off me. Metaphorically speaking.

The Spirit #2

Adan: Whoever said the Spirit could not be written by anybody besides the great Will Eisner was wrong. This is the third issue (counting Jeph Loeb’s Batman/The Spirit one-shot) in a row that has been awesome! Each issue thus far has also been self-contained, so if you haven’t read any of the other books, fret not. Pick them up later, but this is a book you have to be reading. Darwyn Cooke and J. Bone are putting together a top-notch read and if they don’t win scores of awards for this thing, somebody fucked up.

Laura: Yeah, the new Spirit gets a big thumbs up. It’s got a classic, but not antiquated feel that manages to move between slapstick humor and heartbreaking drama without ever feeling disjointed. In this issue we learn a little bit more about the sultry P’Gell, an intelligent, elegant femme fatale whose ilk we don’t see often enough in comics. Female sexuality doesn’t always have to be about wearing thongs and slutting it up, and it’s nice to see something a little classier for once, outside of the usual virgin/whore dyad that I’ve never really enjoyed.

I’d also like to take a moment and comment on the Wii advertisement in here that’s designed to look like a comic book, so that you get that split second of disorientation wondering how this 15-year-old boy and his Wii remote fit into the Spirit storyline. Memo to Nintendo: please try to have someone who was a kid sometime in the last 30 years write your copy. You’re going to look back on these ads someday with the same kind of embarrassment and chagrin I hope you now feel about that Zelda commercial from the 80s where the two suburban white kids rap about Link and encourage him to “get some.”

Star Trek The Next Generation: The Space Between #1

Adan: It’s a Star Trek comic book! Wheeee! The continuity of the book seems to be amid Season One because Tasha Yar is still alive and Worf and Geordi are still wearing Command red. The story is pretty good with a neat idea about rewritable history. Unfortunately, the art is not so good. Casey Maloney is using a style in which the characters he’s drawing only sometimes resemble the people he’s supposedly drawing from. And something’s gotta be said about the regular art cover: all five Enterprises are their, as well as Tasha, Data, and Picard. However, they’re all wearing different iterations of the Starfleet uniform, from different periods of TNG history. It makes for a cool time-travelly effect.

Laura: The Enterprise D, circa slim, clean-shaven Riker, encounters a race of completely wired people with surgical implants that instantly network them with the cumulative knowledge of their planet. Which seems like a cool idea—imagine being able to mentally access Wikipedia like a personal memory bank. Of course, other people can always edit Wikipedia, and that’s sort of where this story is going. Casey Maloney has some unusual ideas about perspective, particularly when he’s drawing faces, and I could have done without the contrived OOC moralizing on the last page. All in all, it’s a B- TNG story in comic format, but hey—it’s still TNG, and I wouldn’t change the channel if it came on Spike TV.

Ultimate Power #1 Director’s Cut

Adan: Okay, Marvel. Here’s your first language lesson: words have meanings. You can’t just say something is a Director’s Cut if you don’t know what a Director’s Cut is. Let me explain it to you: a Director’s Cut of a movie is a different cut of the the film in question. For example, the Director’s Cut of Superman II is a different version, some say vastly different, of the same film which was theatrically released 27 years ago. New footage was inserted, old footage taken out, sound effects and dialogue changed, so on and so forth. It’s not just the same movie with production notes. That’s called a DVD release with extras. So, you need to change the name of these things from Director’s Cut to DVD Extras or something before everybody finds out how inadequate your language skills really are.

Laura: I love Greg Land’s art. I really, really do. I’m almost so taken with the pretty pictures that I can forget how incredibly thin the plot is. Almost. Ultimate FF fights the Serpent Squad, a crew of scaly ladies competing to see who can wear the lowest scoop neck before their breasts fall out of their costumes. Reed feels bad that Ben is a giant rock that no one will ever love. That’s kind of the whole issue. I got to the final splash page and turned the page expecting—I don’t know, more content, some sort of explanation, a natural stopping point—only to discover it was over. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I almost wish Land had taken a cue from Lady Death and just done some sort of Ultimate FF picture book. I’d rather see pretty pictures of Sue Storm as a mermaid and Ben Grimm as a Viking warrior than have my visuals distracted by an insubstantial story that only serves to irritate me.

And Others…

Adan: Superman: Emperor Joker TP!!!! Finally, finally, finally, finally, finally! I once had a conversation with Uncle Dan about when this storyline would be traded and he said probably not during his tenure because that story was written before he was there and he didn’t care so much about it. I’m glad he was lying. Everybody needs to read this arc because there is nothing better than a psychotic lunatic getting god-like powers and re-inventing the world in his image. Buy it, read it, love it, and then buy some for your whole family so that they can do the same.

On the other hand, why must you ruin things, DC? The cover of 52 this week ruins any element of surprise one may have still had by revealing exactly who Supernova really is. You couldn’t have let us find out while reading the book, where there would probably have been more of an emotional impact? For shame, DC. For shame. Also, the final issues of the Ultimate Clone Saga in Ultimate Spider-Man and the Cable saga in Ultimate X-men were equally disappointing and stupid. Where is the once mighty Ultimate Universe that could do no wrong? Is this merely the blasted remnants that say “Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!” with the same irony that Shelley’s Ozymandias did?

All Star Superman #6

Adan: This almost makes up for your crappy Batman run, Grant. Almost. We get awesome 853rd century Supermen that help Pa out with the harvest and we get Krypto too. Yeah, it’s sort of reused Grant material from the DC One Million super event a few years back, and that’s a little bit of a cop out, but the important part here is that Grant doesn’t suck. C’mon, a Chronovore? A Superman from the 5th Dimension? An unknown Superman? That’s crazy Grant hoodoo I can get behind!

Laura: Morrison finally hits a home run! Smallville gets a visit from a squad of future Supermen and a Chronovore, which etymology tells us means a time eater. And time is a pretty precious commodity when you’re Superman and you’re trying to save everyone constantly, when every single second is life or death. You may traffic with the angels, Clark, but you live on the Earth, and that means loving things that are very, very fragile. And the one thing you’ll never be able to save them from is time. Better hold on these moments while you can–and for the love of God, don’t feed them to the Chronovore.

Civil War #6

Laura: Well, thanks for finally gracing us with your presence, penultimate issue of Civil War. We’re so glad you could finally join us! This crossover should be over by now, and it’s not, and I’m the teensiest bit resentful of that. I’m not here to pump my fist in the air and tell you how the wait was so worth it, but I will say I enjoyed the stupid thing, despite all my misgivings. There are a couple pages that overlap with Punisher War Journal as Frank Castle joins up with Captain America because… well, because he’s Captain America, and lunatic or not, Frank Castle is a goddamn patriot. At which point we start the clock to see how long he can stick with the good guys before he crosses the line—hell, the man lives on the other side of the line, so probably not very long. Our rebellious heroes discover the location of the 42 Negative Zone Prison, and I’m pretty sure you know what comes next—all I’ll say is that there’s a BOOYEAH splash page waiting for at the end that all you Civil War fans are gonna love.

Adan: Meh. I’m not so excited. I think there’s some logistical problems with your BOOYEAH moment, but whatever. I’m not so sure the man is a “goddamn patriot,” but the Punisher does have his moments in this book (which are totally replayed in War Journal down below), but the real star of this issue is Captain America. He goes batshit crazy and beats up on Castle and then calls him insane. And then he proves his tactical genius against Iron Man. But again, meh. If it’s your thing, then do it to it. Me, I’m gonna go read Scalped.

Laura: Patriotism often has so very little to do with sanity. And the off-base characterization of Captain America was definitely my least favorite part of this book—this isn’t the Ultimate universe, Millar, and wishing doesn’t make it so.

Death Note v9

Adan: I’m actually rooting for Light Yagami and his Kira persona. Do you know why? Because Near and Mello are obnoxious little jerkoffs! They’re worse then L. ever was! I want Light to win just to shut those brats up. Okay, but enough about that. Let me tell you why this is still the best manga out there: while Light tries to get his dad to do something (shhh! no spoilers), he actually thinks, “At a time like this, it probably won’t be strange if I seem to panic.” That is some cold and calculating craziness! Light’s not gonna let a little thing like emotions get in the way of his master plan… Unless it’s supposed to. I’m behind you all the way, Kira.

Laura: If this is your first taste of Death Note, do yourself a favor and backtrack to Volume 1, because it’s not going to make much sense unless you do. There are a lot of “rules” and machinations and complicated plot threads already in progress, but it’ll just seem convoluted and boring because you don’t understand what’s going on. The life of honors student Light Yagami changes forever when he finds a “Death Note,” a supernatural notebook with the power to kill anyone whose name is written in its pages. Light immediately starts offing criminals by the boatload, dispensing his personal brand of justice to people he thinks deserve it, and occasionally just people who get in his way. He is known to the world at large as Kira (derived from the Japanese pronunciation of “killer.” No, really.), a force of tremendous good or evil, depending on whom you ask. Light embraces the Death Note (and his god complex) with both arms, but neither he nor the manga apologize for it. Amoral killer or savior of humanity? That’s for you to decide. There are occasional moments that don’t track and I’m not in love with the translation, but overall this is a great manga that raises interesting moral questions that are still rolling around in my brain days later. I don’t know if I’m behind you, Kira, but I’ll sure as hell keep reading you.

Fear Agent #10

Laura: Heath Huston is an alcoholic Texan, space cowboy, and alien exterminator extraordinaire. For a long time, he believed he was the last Fear Agent, but it turns out that’s not strictly true. Back on Earth for the first time since it was overrun by disgusting tentacle aliens, Heath encounters both new faces and old, and manages to alienate them all, as is his wont. Heath also finally gets his wish and reunites with his long-lost and oft-pined for love Char—but it comes with a catch, and it’s a doozy. You know that episode in the Simpsons where Bart replays the video frame by frame so he can pinpoint the precise moment when Ralph Wiggums’ heart breaks? There’s one panel that’s pretty much exactly like that. Fear Agent is usually relentless devil-may-care sci-fi action, which is slightly less relentless this issue, but you know, character development is good too.

Adan: I’ve never read this before, so I don’t know what a Fear Agent is, or why the Earth’s all fucked up. What I do know is that Heath Huston is a broken down man who needs large amounts of alcohol to cope with his life. I also know that I need to go back and read more of this because it looks and sounds pretty awesome.

Irredeemable Ant Man #4

Laura: Imagine, for a moment, that you have the powers of Ant-Man. What would you do with them? Would you shrink down and spy on hot women in the changing room? Make ants race each other for your amusement? Eric O’Grady would. And that’s why he’s so much fun to watch. Whether he’s stealing the Ant-Man armor or trying to bang his dead best friend’s girl on his dead best friend’s grave, O’Grady is an irredeemable asshole. If you’re tired of watching superheroes try to do The Right Thing all the time, he’s your man. He wouldn’t know The Right Thing To Do unless it either punched him in the face or tried to sleep with him.

Adan: See, this whole asshole angle was cool in the first and second issues because I thought he might still be a hero (like Guy), but it turns out Eric O’Grady’s just an asshole. He spies on women, he sleeps around, he dumps on the memory of his best friend every chance he gets, and, oh yeah, he’s a liar and a thief. At least one can’t say there was any false advertising here: this Ant-Man really is irredeemable. And that’s why I’m done with this book.

Midnighter #3

Adan: Let’s recap, shall we? The Midnighter has been sent back in time to kill Hitler before he becomes a genocidal maniac by an equally maniacal man, albeit less genocidal, during World War I, when Hitler was a corporal in the German army. Unfortunately for the Midnighter, the Temporal Police Department has shown up and is trying to keep the timeline intact. What’s a man with a mission to do? Kick the Temporal Police Department’s ass, of course. In true Midnighter fashion, he gets in not one, not two, but three different scrapes with these guys, and it’s pure fun just watching these guys get their asses handed to them by the Midnighter. Ah, fun.

Laura: The time police aren’t very happy with Midnighter, and they apprise him of this fact by trying to wipe the floor with him, and nearly succeeding. He faces off with their leader, Sergeant Bonnie, who turns out to be quite a firecracker, and even looks kind of like a real person rather than a swimsuit model with breasts the size of cantelopes. It’s really sad how notable that is, but anyway. The whole thing is over-the-top Ennis craziness, with people shooting tanks and talking shit, and it’s all pretty ridiculous, but not unamusing. Worth your $2.99? Only you can decide.

Punisher War Journal #2

Adan: Remember all that stuff I said up in Civil War #6? Just pretend I’m repeating down here because it’s the same goddman book! Except of course for the botched timeline. So does Frank have enough time to break into the Baxter Building after getting the black box suit from Clarke like it happens in the main book, or does he go straight to pissing off Cap and getting thrown off the team like in here? Who even cares? It’s like no one pays any goddamn attention to me when I say Marvel needs better editors.

Laura: Issue #1 of War Journal gets reprinted this week, and you should probably buy that instead, because it was awesome. Issue #2 falls off a little bit and cribs a bunch of pages from Civil War #6, but it’s still one of the better Civil War titles. Although at this point, that isn’t saying much.

Scalped #1

Adan: Well, yee-hah! Meet my new favorite Vertigo book! Every other word is a curse word and Dashiell Bad Horse is a bad motherfuckin’ hombre. This is the second book by Jason Aaron (the first being the Vietnam war book The Other Side, also on sale this week) and he’s continuing to prove his capability and awesomeness. There’s an ad in every Vertigo book with a quote by the Washington Examiner that says, “Vertigo Comics is by far the HBO of the comic-book [sic] world,” and they’re right. Jason Aaron is making sure of that with his tale of the politics and crime syndicate of the Prairie Rose Indian Reservation, and one man who’s come to fuck that shit up. Oh, I love you, Vertigo! I love you with all my itty, bitty heart.

Laura: The nice thing about being a Native American character is that you can have an awesome name like “Bad Horse” and it’s completely legit. And boy, does Dashiell Bad Horse want us to know just how bad he is. He sneers, he kicks ass, and I turn the pages disinterestedly until I get to the back cover. I have no love for you, Scalped. You’ve got a lot of posturing, potty mouth, and so far, not much else to recommend you. Yeah, Vertigo’s really good, so save your money for a book that makes you remember that. American Virgin #10 out today! Just saying.

Adan: American Virgin? You mean that pussy that can’t decide whether or not he actually loves God? Fuck that guy. At least Dash has no qualms about what he’s doing and why he’s doing it (that I can tell; it is only the first issue, after all).

Laura: Yeah, because heaven forbid someone question his beliefs, or how he’s been taught to think. Guys like Light Yagami, though, they’re all right with you? You have a really weird system of values. Also, come back and talk to me after you’ve read Head, which I know you haven’t.

Adan: Oh, I read it, and it still sucks. This idiot kid reminds me of every hypocritical jackass on television telling me how to love God and then doing a line of coke off a transsexual hooker’s cock when the cameras are off. Fuck you Adam Chamberlain, and fuck your retarded story about giving up on God because you think His plan no longer makes sense.

…but how about that Becky Cloonan, hey? She’s a hottie.

Hey, so maybe you noticed we’re late this week. Well, see, it’s like this: I was up too late playing Dungeons & Dragons, my big sister was up too late singing the karaoke, and Jon, our scanner, was up too late playing Guitar Hero II. Sorry about the delay, but at least we’ve all got good reasons, right? — Adan

Blank Vol. 1

Laura: Fans, prepare to be serviced. Your waitress this evening will be Aki Clark, a schoolgirl and martial arts enthusiast, whose underwear you will come to know well. The eponymous Blank, on the other hand, is a rogueish, sex-crazed amnesiac, who might be a secret agent sent to protect Aki from a nefarious plot involving her scientist father. Or, he might just be trying to get in her pants. The book gets four out of five Happosais on the lecher-o-meter; gratuitous panty shots abound, and I’m pretty sure high school girls don’t actually grab each other’s boobs as a form of greeting in any reality. Still, there’s more to it than updrafts and grab-assing. Like action, espionage, romance, intrigue, and… ok, more panty shots. But don’t lie to me—you know you enjoy it, and at least it comes wrapped up in an amusing story. You know, if you need to justify it to yourself. Kinda like reading Playboy “for the articles.”

Adan: “Goddamn you half-Japanese girls, you do it to me every time.” And of course this girl is half-Japanese. Who cares that it has sweet fuck-all to do with the story. And what a story! There’s this secret agent, right, but he’s got amnesia that makes him all pervy, and there’s this terrorist organization, and a super awesome Death Ray of Death!!! Holy crap does it suck! I love you Pop Mhan, but you did the high school spy stuff better when Peter David was writing back in your SpyBoy days (pick that up instead of this). The best part of this is Pop Mhan’s caricature of his working habits while writing and drawing this nonsense all the way in the back. Apparently, he drew a lot of boobs and played a lot of video games. It shows Pop, it shows.

Bucky O’Hare and the Toad Menace GN

Adan: This book is pretty funny, but only if you’re from the Eighties. If you were born and raised in the Eighties, but then moved to the Nineties (like me), you should also find this funny, but not as much. Toads that are all militant because of an military-industrial computer named KOMPLEX (no, really) and the United Animals Security Council convening for five years (five years!? what are you, Ents?) before finally deciding to get a fleet together to stop the Toad Menace are pretty funny, right? Ignoring the ridiculous premise, this flashback isn’t actually half-bad. I honestly was guffawing heartily in spots. I really wish that Willy kid didn’t show up, though. I could have done without the reminder that there was a point in our history when every sci-fi or fantasy story just had to have a ten-year-old kid that was accidentally transported to the awesome world. Those stupid ten-year-olds always made the world less awesome just by breathing.

Laura: Bucky O’Hare, I’m just not that into you. Not your gigantic anime eyes, or your cutesy pun-laden banter, or your sexy animal ladies. Sure, there are lots of exciting space battles in the war between the anthropomorphic mammals and the anthropomorphic toads, but the dense, sometimes impenetrable art had me squinting at most of those scenes like some kind of magic eye, which did not explode into three dimensions, but rather two crappy ones. Just go get the video game instead; Bucky O’Hare was an incredible platformer, and one of the unsung all-time classics of the NES. Plus, the graphics are better.

DCU Infinite Holiday Special

Laura: I thought they were going to call this the Infinite Christmas Special, which is an awesome name, but there’s a story about Batwoman and her Holocaust menorah and I guess that wouldn’t have been very inclusive. Oh well! Your favorite DC heroes and teams either learn to believe in holiday miracles or dispense them to others, so get ready for heart-warming, credulity-straining, spirit-of-Christmas-affirming tales from one and all. It’s pretty hit or miss, but the two real winners are Shadowpact taking on the Anti-Christmas League, and the absolutely priceless final story where Superman and Batman save Christmas. Really, it’s all worth it for the picture on the final page, where Dan Didio appears in what looks like his pajamas and raises a deformed glass of ensorcelled champagne towards the reader. Drinking is a holiday message that I can really get behind, so I appreciate that. Slainte!

Adan: Let me tell you what the real meaning of Christmas is (filtered through the lens of DC, of course): Supergirl can be a cunt as long as there is an upside to her cuntishness. That’s it, that’s it right there, the real meaning of Christmas. Laura’s right, by the way, those two stories are freaking awesome, but everything else in this anthology blows. Don’t get me started on the SHAZAM story (which makes no sense, by the way), or the fact that, apparently, Hector Hammond is gay for Hal Jordan. Gay as the day is long. I’ll stick to the “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” again this year, DC, but thanks for trying. P.S. Dan Didio doesn’t look that creepy in real life, I swear. P.P.S. I don’t know what “slainte” means, either.

Laura: That is because you are Mexican and not Irish. And the answer is “cheers.” It’s all right–the only thing I understand when you speak Spanish is “no.”

Exiles Annual #1

Adan: There’s something weird about Tom Raney. Sometimes, his art looks abominable; but at other times, it’s fucking fantastic! And this time, this time it is fucking fantastic! The story’s okay (two super teams have a misunderstanding and fight before teaming up and taking out the real villain… with a twist! they’re actually the same team!), but who cares? Tom Raney is fucking fantastic today! Also, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only guy who fantasized about two Blinks at the same time. With Nocturne in there as well, it’s almost perfect. Throw in Sunfire again, and I could read this book all night.

Laura: Everything you need to know about this book is summed up by who’s headlining the fight: Classic Exiles vs. New Exiles! Ever wondered who would win if they went head to head? Well, you’re not the only one. Someone else is so interested in how that bout would turn out that he’s willing to orchestrate it. Someone named…. Tony Bedard? Well, yes. But also, someone named… the Timebroker. Dun dun DUN!

Gargoyles #2

Adan: It’s like watching my favorite after school cartoon all over again! I’m sure having creator Greg Weisman write the book is the reason this feels so good, but man! It really feels good! Everyone’s here and they’re exactly like I remember them. Even that Vinny kid who kept getting accidentally shafted by the Gargoyles is here and I can just hear his Brooklyn accent come right through the page. Oh man, it’s like being a kid again! This is what Bucky O’Hare should have made me feel but didn’t. All you Gargoyles fans, read this immediately. All you non-Gargoyles fans, go buy the DVDs and become fans already, ’cause this series is great!

Laura: Reading Gargoyles, the comic, is exactly like watching an episode of the cartoon. Exactly like it. The only thing missing is the mood music, but the good news is that I can still hear Commander Riker in my head every time Xanatos talks. Of course, I never actually paid money to watch the cartoon, and I’m not 100% percent sure I’d pay money for the comic. It’s kind of like running into an old friend you haven’t spoken to in years. Sure, you exchange numbers and say you’re going to hang out, but you know you’re never really going to call them. Honestly, it really was good to see you guys (especially you, Hudson), but don’t wait by the phone.

Sandman Mystery Theater #1

Adan: I’m not sure about this book yet. This first issue was pretty confusing and I’m not sure what’s really going down. Wesley Dodds and Dian Belmont make an appearance, but they’re not the focus of the story, which, frankly, seems anathema in a Sandman Mystery Theater book. John Ney Reiber’s laying down some pretty heavy war metaphors and themes that I’m finding difficult to pick up. Maybe it would be easier to get this if I wasn’t so, you know, confused. It’s like I got shot in the face with the Sandman’s gas instead of the villains. I’ll read the second issue, but if this fog doesn’t clear up, then I’m done.

Laura: Yeah, it’s not so much that I don’t know what’s going on here as I don’t know what it means. The writing is solid, but it’s a lot more atmosphere than substance. We have all these heavy scenes that are obviously supposed to be rich with implication, but it’s not really clear what they’re implying. Nobody wants to get hit over the head with a Mallet of Meaning, but you gotta give us a little more here, Reiber. Evoking concepts and feelings is all well and good, but now and then maybe you should consider saying things with, you know, words.

Wonder Man #1

Laura: The superhero as celebrity in a media-saturated culture has been done before, but I never mind seeing it done right. It remains to be seen if Wonder Man fits the bill. Problem number one: I really don’t buy Ladykiller. She looks like a slinky ninja/reaper with her skin-tight leather, awesome weapons tech and slick hand-to-hand combat, but she’s also so FERAL with animal RAGE that she can only vocalize in gutteral sounds. And yet, still applies her eyeliner so precisely. Wonder Man has faced the berserker rage of Wolverine, but this ninety-pound girl and her scary growling throws him off his game? That’s all full of crap, but all right. I like you a lot, Peter David, and sometimes you rock my socks off, but I’m not sure who’s writing this book: is it the Peter David who writes X-Factor, or the Peter David who writes Friendly Neighborhood? We’re all hoping for the former. Better bring your A-game next month, though, because that’s all the patience I’ve got.

Adan: I looked at the cover of this book, and I threw up on my shirt. Then I opened the book and threw up all over my pants. Why the fuck are these lines and colors making me sick? Who are you Andrew Currie? Are you some Bond villain with a new scheme to take over the world with your horrible lines and colors (I will NOT call it art)? Oh man, I’m getting kind of sick just thinking about it again. Peter David, you’re not helping. Your words are trying to make sense, but they don’t. “Ladykiller?” Is she a lady that kills, or does she kill ladies? I don’t know. And why does this story start one thousand years in the future? I don’t get it. Oh no… I just threw up all over my keyboard. This is gonna take awhile to clean up. Talk amongst yourselves.

Batman Confidential #1

Laura: Batman Confidential, what do you have to show me? The usual gruff noir voiceovers as Batman investigates crimes? Yawn. An evil lackey that gets killed at the last second before he can give up the name of his employer? Sigh. Bruce Wayne agonizing over his parents’ deaths? Again? Zzzz. There’s nothing here you haven’t seen a million billion times in Batman books, and usually done better. The only vaguely amusing thing is how Bruce Wayne bids for a defense contract against Lex Luthor by appealing to the government’s “conscience” and “mercy.” Oh, you naïve billionaire, you. Next, maybe you can pitch something factual to Fox News while appealing to their sense of “fairness” and “balance.”

Adan: That’s two Confidential books so far, and they both suck a lot. I couldn’t possibly contain my excitement for the third one featuring Wonder Woman. At least Whilce Portacio’s art isn’t horrible. It’s actually nearing his apex of StormWatch: Team Achilles. Andy Diggle on the other hand needs to jump ship as soon as possible and go write something like the Losers again because this isn’t doing it. The story is nearing Batman Begins levels of absurdity.

Jonah Hex #14

Laura: Jonah Hex is coming to town. He’s kind of like Santa Claus, except that instead of bringing presents and holiday cheer, he brings bullets and the cold embrace of death. As one man says when he sees Hex riding into town, “Better tell the Reverend to dust off his Bible.” I don’t know what makes people think it’s a good idea to start things with Hex, unless maybe they feel braver when it’s a whole posse against a single man. But they’re forgetting one thing: Jonah Hex will kill you. He will kill you all like he was shooting tin cans off a fence, and then he will smoke a cigarette through the hole in his face and think about what he wants to eat for dinner. They say hard times make hard men, and Jonah Hex is as tough as they come. This month we learn more about the events that made him that way, from his (literally) shitty childhood to his years living with the Apache. If you haven’t picked up any issues of this stone-cold spaghetti western, then this is a great time to jump on the wagon. Bonus: Palmiotti and Gray manage to go an entire issue without a brutal rape, which I totally didn’t think they could do. Kudos, guys.

Adan: Aside from the brutal rape scene, which was sorely lacking in my opinion, this book is still the best western comic currently being published. Hex is badass and he will show you every time some idiot with bigger balls than brains tries to one-up him. That said, you do have to admire those guys that start shit with Hex. They’ve got some mighty large grapefruits. Melons, even. A man with balls as big as that shouldn’t be able to walk, much less come up on Hex ready to throw down… those’re some damn big balls.

Justice Society of America #1

Adan: It’s the inevitable return of the first super-team in comics, and what are they doing? Alan Scott, Jay Garrick, and Wildcat are standing around a table deciding which heroes are going to be in the new JSA. Wait, what? This is the only narrative device we could think of to put a team back together, DC? Didn’t you just do this about three months ago with another top-tier super-team? What’s next? Vril Dox, Lobo, and Comet get together and decide who’s going to be in the new L.E.G.I.O.N.? Okay, but besides that, this book is awesome. I told you guys last week that I love Geoff Johns unless he’s writing Green Lantern, and JSA was probably the best of his DC series so I look forward to another awesome Society-Johns run.

Laura: Dunno how I feel about the old school triumverate of superheroes whipping legacy students into shape, but I do like Mr. America. A former FBI agent who left the force because he simply had more Justice to dispense than a badge could contain, he immediately started freelancing as a superhero detective for the same agents he’d worked with, his identity concealed only by a tiny, tiny blue eye mask and a cape. Seriously, other than that he’s just wearing a button up shirt and slacks! It’s kind of amazing. Anyway, I’m liking this character, and I hope he sticks around, especially since he’s the only thing I enjoy about the book so far.

Manhunter #26

Adan: Kate Spencer is back! Yay! Here’s a little-known tidbit about me: I love strong female characters, especially when they’re written very well. Tara Chace from Queen & Country, Starbuck from the new Battlestar Galactica, Sophocles’ Antigone, and many more. Yeah, I love Guy Gardner, but I also love the Manhunter. She’s taken a very tough case, but after defending Dr. Psycho, who could be tougher? How about another strong female character in Wonder Woman (who is only sometimes well-written). She’s on trial for the murder of Maxwell Lord, and she wants only the best for her defense. I wonder what kind of bonding experience they’ll have?

Laura: Despite being exonerated by the world court, Wonder Woman seeks out the legal services of Kate Spencer, who quite reasonably asks why Diana waited an entire year. We’ll pretend the answer isn’t 52, and rather that a federal grand jury is only now convening in America to try her for Lord’s murder. Kate Spencer agrees to join her defense, but for some reason feels the need to warn Wonder Woman that “I’m not going to kill anyone to help you.” WTF? Way to not throw that Maxwell Lord thing back in her face, Captain Overreacto. But hey, at least we get to see the two ladies throw down (for reasons that aren’t completely contrived).

newuniversal #1

Laura: No, I didn’t forget how to punctuate. The title of Warren Ellis’ new book is just all e.e. cummings like that, because Ellis is a funky guy. In the spirit of the original New Universe series, we find a world that looks much like our own (with a few significant deviations) where a handful of people gain incredible powers following a celestial incident known as “The White Event.” Ellis manages to introduce a pretty large cast of characters and keep it both interesting and minimally confusing. There are a whooole lot of plot threads here that need to get tied together later, but I’ve got faith. For extra easter egg fun, try to find all the celebrity look-alikes. There are quite a few pseudo-cameos by characters that just happen to look like famous people, including one of my favorite characters from Lost. (Hint: He’s a magnificent bastard, and his name rhymes with “lawyer”)

Adan: I’m not sure what Laura’s talking about with her pseudo-cameos, but I’m as blind as a bat, so don’t mind me. This is a pretty good first issue, with only a few slight problems (most of it comes from the fact that Communism has survived to the 21st century in this world, and their science is whooping our science; I call shenanigans, Ellis). I’ve never read the old New Universe stuff, although I’m told it wasn’t very good. Well, this was quite good, and will stay so as long as Ellis keeps writing it (or until he introduces the Pit). Larroca’s artwork is looking very Texeira-ish. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I do have a question: what’s up with that?

Nightly News #2

Laura: John Guyton is not a hero. He’s an anti-establishment extremist slash lunatic who believes the Voice of God is telling him to commit terrible acts of terrorism. The tree of liberty apparently needs watering, and Guyton thinks he knows where to get the blood: the media, whom he hates with a fiery but factually well-supported passion (there are many helpful charts). Guyton believes he is The Hand, God’s instrument of justice (if “justice” is defined as “killing lots and lots of reporters”), and so he has assembled the Cult of the Voice, a group of vengeful, malleable men ready to wreak havoc on his command. Although Jonathan Hickman claims to be somewhat apolitical, have no doubt: this is a radical book, in more way than one. Think Fight Club crossed with Brian Wood, to whom artist/writer Hickman has been favorably compared, and not for nothing. Composed entirely of eye-popping two page spreads, replete with pop-up factoid bubbles and numbered legends, Nightly News is a provocative visual treat that takes time to absorb. So get the first issue while you still can, and take it all in.

Adan: Are you serious!? You actually like this garbage? At least Brian Wood pretends not to be an anarchist/Communist. Apolitical my ass. All his little “factually well-supported” charts are about as accurate as the Da Vinci Code was. Hey kids, don’t bother fact-checking or looking up anything for yourselves because Jonathan Hickman will tell you exactly like it is. The United States government is bought and sold by Media Corporations on an almost daily basis and the Constitution is just a piece of paper and we don’t actually have to do what it says. A bunch of crazy cultists know what’s really going on and killing innocents is a good way to change the world (that last statement, while factually true, is morally wrong). I’m sure you’ve got more to say on this, sis, so I’ll wait for your well-timed retort before I go totally apeshit on this awful piece of trash.

Laura: Take a deeeep breath. In through your nose… aaaand… out through your mouth. Some of the points Hickman is making about the media are legitimate (though perhaps not all), but let’s be clear: Hickman is not advocating the murder of journalists or crazy cultish behavior or terrorist acts. He’s presenting them in a work of fiction, through a character that you’re supposed to feel ambivalent about. You’re not supposed to laud or embrace the terrible things Guyton does; you’re supposed to think about them in the context of the book as a whole. I know that very special rage you feel only towards pinkos, Adan, but I think you’re taking this far, far too much at face value. Also, it’s a beautiful book, no matter what your politics are.

Adan: “I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.” And the bonus round: What beautiful? It’s clip art with hair. This guy can’t even take the time to write his signs out on the signs themselves. Instead I have to read the footnote to see what each sign is supposed to say. This art looks like a third grader put it together with construction paper. Like South Park, only no where near as funny.

Laura: This is a really easy one to settle, folks: pick up the book. Pick it up in the store, open it, place the interior within your field of vision, and make your own aesthetic judgment about the art. It will not be difficult.

Spider-Man: Reign #1

Adan: Page 20, panel 3. Yes, Kaare Andrews is awesome. Yes, this is set in a dystopian future in New York City. Yes, super heroes have been outlawed. But none of that matters. Go to page 20, panel 3 and behold the height of editorial lapse in judgment, lapse in concentration, lapse in duty: Peter Parker’s Pecker! It’s right there! Go to page 20, panel 3 and behold the Spider-Penis! That’s it. That’s all I got. I was going to do this great write-up all about how this book was an analogue of current government fear tactics and a natural extension of the Marvel Universe if the Super-Hero Registration Act is not changed or overturned, but then I saw a penis in a Marvel book and I was done. An old, wrinkly penis! In a regular, non-MAX Marvel book! Avi Arad would be spinning in his grave if he were, you know, dead. According to the credits, the people responsible are Michael O’Connor and Axel Alonso. They let the penis go. It’s there. You can’t take it back now.

Laura: Oh, Peter Parker. It’s hard for me to see you like this: a lonely, broken old man, as good-hearted (and destitute) as ever, but bereft of friends, loved ones, and any sense of purpose. These days, New York City is run by a crazy fascist mayor that has kicked out all its superheroes, and the streets are policed by crazy brutalizing cops who (gasp) hurt children. Small children with puppy dog eyes that gaze at Old Man Parker and ask how he could let this happens, which doesn’t make any sense–why would you expect a brittle elderly man to do anything against gigantic thugs? Regardless, you know what’s going to happen: you’re going to see Peter Parker’s balls. Sorry, I meant to say that he’s going to become Spider-Man again. I guess I got kind of distracted by something. Probably Peter Parker’s penis. (Try saying that three times fast.)

Adan: Wait, all that happened in this book? Seriously? Wow, that penis seriously just broke my concentration entirely.

Tranquility #1

Laura: Many people have a dream of retiring, someday, to a small town where everyone knows your name and waves hello to you on the street. In the quaint, quirky town of Tranquility, lots people are living that dream—the twist is, they happen to be Superpeople (or “Maxis” are they are called. Go ahead, get your guffaws out now). From senile Golden Age heroes to punk-ass superteens, Gail Simone has populated Tranquility with a lively and very funny cast of characters, including Emoticon (grandson of old-school villain The Typist) who had me pounding the table with laughter. El oh el! Also in this alternate universe, Seduction of the Innocent was laughed off back in the 50s, and comic books subsequently became a $3 billion industry. Ah, comics. You truly are a fantasy world. Keep it up, Gail Simone, and you might just have a brand new fan on your hands.

Adan: The only original book to populate the WorldStorm, it is also hands down the funniest (sorry Grant and Garth). It’s also got the most heart. Yes, the Emoticon and his sideways-scrolling faces are funny, but Maxi-Man’s inability to remember the magic word that makes him into a super-powered phenom (think DC’s Captain Marvel or Miracleman) is pretty sad. How would you like to spend the rest of your life reading out of dictionaries in every language known to man just to try to find your special word? That’s rough, man. And the rest of this town is populated by other characters that are just as funny, just as pathetic, and are just as every adjective in-between.

Ultimate Vision #1

Adan: “My body is exquisitely designed for two things. Communication and propulsion.” So says the Vision as she prepares to leave Earth in a body that resembles a fully-functioning female in thigh-high boots and little else. Excuse me, is your finely-toned ass for propulsion or for communication? Oh, both? Pardon me for asking, then. After Spider-Penis, it’s almost impossible not to assume that Marvel has become a hard-core pornographic comic book company, or at the very least has been taken over by Jim Balent and now everybody’s clothes will magically disappear. The Vision certainly has knockers big enough for Jim Balent to enjoy drawing. Oh, and in case you’re keeping score at home, those big knockers are for communication purposes only. You know, communication like, “Can a guy buy a sexy lady a drink?”

Laura: Seriously, unless her boobs are detachable bombs or double as machine guns, they’re pretty indefensible. They’re indefensible anyway, but at least machine gun boobs don’t ask to be taken seriously. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible to sexualize a giant female C3P0 quite this much, and yet somehow they manage to do it. Sexy Female Vision encounters a bunch of creepy scientists that lure her to a space station, act generally sketchy and cavalier about human life, and then ask her to take part in a really dangerous experiment. Her wise and sensible robot answer: Sure! Jesus. Are you really that easy? If that’s the case, this guy at the bar has something he wants to tell you about a mirror in your pocket. Also, he has lost his phone number and needs yours.

Adan: Hey Vision, your propulsion systems must be taxed because you’ve been running around my head all day.

Laura: Also, your dad must’ve been a mechanic… ‘cuz you got all the right parts!

PCS’ weekly review/preview of the good, the bad and the fugly, courtesy of our resident Wonder Twins.

American Virgin #9

Laura: Adam Chamberlain, former virginity evangelist turned completely broken man, has had a tough run of it. The girl he was saving himself for, Cassie, got beheaded and possibly raped while on a Peace Corps mission in Africa, destroying his future and his belief system in one fell swoop. He says God told him Cassie was the woman meant for him, while her murderer says that God said to kill her. That’s what really makes Adam’s life fall down around his ears: the idea that maybe, just maybe, they were both talking to themselves. The boy of convictions has become a man of half-measures, who feints at sex and death, but can’t quite embrace either, if he can even tell them apart anymore. In summary, this is the best non-superhero book I’ve read all year.

Adan: Adam Chamberlain needs to pick a side already. Either you are a son of God, and therefore will leave things to His divine will, like the punishment of the dude who beheaded and raped your girl (like Job), or you are an unbeliever and you have to take things in your own hands (like Batman). This kid just fucking annoys me and is what’s wrong with most religious folk today: hypocrisy. Either believe the Word or stop spouting it like your very own soundtrack. I understand that traumatic events can really fuck with your beliefs, but c’mon, man! You’re kind of going schizo. And I don’t know if I care enough about you to, you know, care about you.

Laura: Let me paraphrase back to you what you told me about Chase last week: the man’s heart has been broken. If you’re ever going to doubt your faith, it’s when your one true love gets her head cut off and you have to personally retrieve it from a tree in some African village. Even freakin’ Jesus had his moment on the cross when he felt deserted by God, so I’m gonna cut Adam Chamberlain a little slack. You should too. The first and only trade is out now, and it’s called Head, and you need to get it. I mean… uh, yeah.

Adan: Yeah, but Chase was never a devout Christian man. You can’t just love God when it’s going well, man. If that’s the case, you never really loved Him at all.

Laura: Don’t say that. It’s not that he doesn’t love God anymore; he just needs some time and space now to reevaluate their relationship. Maybe he needs to see other Gods. But no matter what happens, what he has with God will always be special to him.

Batman/The Spirit

Adan: Hey, this was really good! Jeph Loeb didn’t suck! And Darwyn Cooke’s art is always excellent! Almost everybody that has appeared in either comic is here: Commisioners Dolan and Gordon, the Octopus, the Joker, P’Gell, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Carrion, the Cossack, Killer Croc, Barbara Gordon, Ellen Dolan, everybody! And they mix and mingle and it’s crazy fun. It’s been awhile since I’ve had this much fun reading a comic. Just grab the book. You’ll thank yourself after you read it. PS: the Spirit’s logo does show up in the artwork, so you’re covered there too.

Laura: Good times! Turns out I don’t actually hate Jeph Loeb unconditionally. I like this book for the same reason I loved Batman: The Animated Series: it takes the Dark Dark Knight and reminds us why it’s so fucking fun to love him. He’s the goddamn Batman, and Loeb does it better here than either Miller or Morrison could muster recently. I feel like I should burst into flames just for saying that. The truth hurts, people, but it’s still the truth.

Crossing Midnight #1

Adan: Ancient religious beliefs collide with modern life (no, I’m not still talking about American Virgin). And then modern life has to pay for it. What did I learn when reading this book: don’t promise your kids to gods you don’t think exist, because they just might, and then what are you gonna do? Luckily, your kids have super powers, so they might be able to defend themselves. Yawn. I didn’t care for this book, but I can’t really find anything wrong except for the excessive First Issue Exposition problem that most comics face (or, as we shall call it from now on, FIE). It just didn’t grab me. Maybe it’ll grab you.

Laura: Yeah… I dunno. A lot of this book seemed consumed with explaining how charming and exotic Japanese culture is, and that’s not actually a plot. If someone gave me the second issue for free I might read it, but if that’s the attitude your readers come away with after issue number one, you’ve probably done something wrong.

Green Lantern #15

Adan: Holy plot threads, Batman! Geoff Johns introduces not one, not two, not three, but four separate story threads in this issue of Green Lantern, while continuing the Amon Sur hiring bounty hunters to take out Hal arc (aka Wanted: Hal Jordan). Some of you may remember the rant from a couple of years back in which I decried Johns’ handling of Jordan’s madness (which only continues to this day, by the way, with that recent Revenge of the Green Lanterns garbage). But today, in this issue, Geoff Johns actually hits one out of the park! Don’t get me wrong: I love Geoff Johns… when he’s writing anything but Green Lantern. His GL run has sucked frozen monkey titties. Until today (and I guess the issue before this wasn’t that bad, either). Way to go, Geoff. Keep this shit up and I may forget all about Green Lantern #4.* And poor Ivan Reis. I still stand by the fact that Ethan Van Sciver is the Green Lantern artist of our age, but Ivan Reis tries to prove me wrong everytime he draws a ringslinger. Keep it up. Until today, you were the only reason I kept reading this title.

Laura: “A wave of pheremones hits me harder than a 12-pack,” says Hal Jordan when he encounters the sexy sex-powered superheroine, Crimson Fox. It turns out a woman is like a beer, just like Homer Simpson told us all those years ago. Crimson Fox is French, but apparently can’t speak French very well from her total inability to order adjectives properly, which is sad for her. That’s about all I have to say. I don’t care about Green Lantern. It’s all right though, because Adan cares enough for the both of us.

Guy Gardner: Collateral Damage #1

Adan: And now, for a real Lantern! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the most bigoted, racist, misogynist, and manliest of all Green Lanterns, Guy Gardner! And even for all his faults (and there are millions), he will still ride in and save the motherfucking day. Do you know why? Because he’s Guy Gardner. Guy Gardner doesn’t ever fuck around; he gets right to the point. If he wants to take you back to his place for a little R&R, he ain’t gonna be subtle about it. He’s gonna tell you right out. You need him to save a bunch of neutral aliens in the path of two warring peoples by brokering peace? He’s gonna ask you what’s in it for him. And if you say nothing but rainbows and sunshine, he’ll still do it. But don’t for a second think he’s not going to find something the benefits him, especially if the representatives of the two warring peoples are hot. And G’nort, I think I liked you better when you were an idiot. And if you think Guy Gardner cares if you read his book or not, he doesn’t. But he is going to think you’re a pussy for not reading (and if you bring up that Batman-one punch thing, he’s going to kick you in the face). FYI, Guy Gardner is the leader of my own personal JLA: the Jerky League of America, comprised of such stellar jerks as Asuka Soryu Langley, Dr. Gregory House, MD, the Black Spy (that guy’s a dick), and many more. Wanna join up? Then go punch a puppy and we’ll talk.

Laura: Guy Gardner is Guy Gardner, and you either love him or hate him. And Adan loves him. I mean, really loves him. And I’m trying to do some sort of psychoanalysis of why he has this overwhelming man-crush on such a jerk, but the truth is that I tend to fall for guys who are jerks too, so maybe I shouldn’t cast stones. Actually, that’s nice. That’s something we can share… our love of charismatic assholes. Oh, and the story is kind of ridiculous (Guy Gardner as an intergalactic arbiter??) and the art is borderline bad, but you heard me before. Guy Gardner is Guy Gardner, and you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.

Immortal Iron Fist #1

Adan: Why is it blue-eyed rich white guys always make the best martial artists? Curse you, brown eyes, small bank account, and… okay, I’m pretty white (but my heart will always be Aztec), for denying me the opportunity to be like Batman, Chuck Norris, and Johnny Cage. I could have been a contender. But enough about my dashed hopes and dreams, let’s talk about Iron Fist. That dude sure can beat the crap outta people. And he doesn’t need any stinking booties. Yeah, I’m talking to you, John Byrne. Do you know why he doesn’t need any booties? ‘Cause he’s not a fucking man-child like you are. He’s a bad-ass motherfucker (apologies to Sam Jackson), while beating Hydra out in the streets and while beating Commies in the boardroom. And while we’re on the subject of bad-ass motherfuckers, let’s talk about David Aja. This guy can draw. He can draw all kinds of awesomeness. He could probably do it in his sleep. His panel progressions rock my meerkats pretty hard. And you will find a pair of bad-ass motherfuckers in Bru and Fraction. These kids can spin a yarn better than your Grams on Knittin’ Night. However, there is a small bit of confusion in their scene jumps, but I must chalk it up to the FIE. Do yourself a favor and buy this awesome book. Pissing off John Byrne is a beautiful fringe benefit. Oh, and also, fuck Communism.

Laura: He is the Iron Fist. He holds back the storm. Something is holding back this book from being great, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun read and everybody seems to love it. It just doesn’t come together quite as well as I would like, and it’s almost more frustrating because it’s so close to being good. Maybe it’s this FIE Adan keeps talking about. Fie on you, FIE.

Onslaught Reborn #1

Laura: I’m going to say right up front that I’m not a big fan of Jeph Loeb’s writing. Or Liefeld’s art. Or the Onslaught storyline. So really, I wasn’t expecting much from this book, and not much did it deliver. In fairness, Liefeld’s art is better than it used to be, if you ignore that one picture where Sue Storm suddenly has scary football player shoulders. Anyway, the writing is bad. Like, tack-it-up-on-a-bulletin-board-as-an-example-of-what-not-to-do bad. Onslaught is back, and he’s seeking… you guessed it, revenge. Zzzzzz. Franklin narrates a lot, which you can tell because he uses lots of conversational fillers like “y’know” and “y’see,” and describes the Negative Zone as “a place you’ve got to know to know, you know what I mean?” It’s all part of that special dialect spoken only by adults who try to simulate how they imagine children talk. Also, Franklin refers to M Day as “genocide by magic, I guess.” I guess! Wow, magical genocide—destroying an entire race of people has never sounded so enchanting.

Adan: Hey, why did the comic book character cross the road? Because it wanted to get away from Rob Liefeld’s impossible perspective. Hey, if you continue to let Rob Liefeld draw you with your mouth open in every single panel, you will catch a fly and it will not taste good. Hey, are those Bucky’s ridiculously long legs as drawn by Rob Liefeld in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? …I could write a whole book with the material that Rob Liefeld gives me. And while I have no love lost for Jeph Loeb (who will ruin every single ending to every single story, it seems, except for Batman: The Long Halloween and Batman/The Spirit), Franklin Richards is not narrating. It’s actually the aforementioned Heroes Reborn Bucky. Sorry to call you out like that, sis, but you’re just plain wrong. I can understand your mistake, though. You don’t find out that it’s Bucky until the very end, and you probably couldn’t stomach it for that long. It’s cool, I understand. And those of you schmucks who just gasped and are bitching that I provided no spoiler alert for the fact that girl Bucky shows up in the end, what the fuck is wrong with you? Where are your goddamn priorities?

Laura: Yeah… you got me. I can only blame my total disrespect for every single page of this book. I think I checked out somewhere during the Onslaught vs. Thing battle that seemed to take up half the book, which in reality would take about .5 seconds because it’s fucking Onslaught versus the Thing. God, my contempt for this book is overwhelming.

Powers #21

Laura: It’s nice to be reminded that there was a reason I used to like Brian Michael Bendis. It’s another head-popping issue with Detectives Walker and Pilgrim, as those with more power than wisdom make some rash decisions, and then lots of people die. For some reason, Bendis and Oeming always manage to make that mean something, or at least make it feel ugly, rather than exciting. And although this isn’t the best Powers has ever been (that was the Forever trade, for the record), I’m still on board. It’s sad to think about how good it might have been if Bendis had spent more time with it, rather than spreading himself thin across various Marvel titles, but regret is an unproductive emotion. I still care about these characters, and I’m still waiting to have my socks knocked off again. I may be waiting a while, though, so at least I’ve got a book to read.

Adan: Wow, used to like Brian Michael Bendis? When did that happen? You don’t have to lie to make friends, you know. You’ve loved that bald little man since fucking Jinx, and don’t you lie. You’ve defended that man everytime I can remember. Although, to be fair, this series is good. It’s got its low points every once and awhile (and would it kill Oeming to not draw a naked dead chick for one arc?), this one is not one of them. Powers start dying off left and right, and the coroner starts stacking them like cordwood (he even comments to Pilgrim and Walker that they should really get on that). It’s fun and it’s cool and an iPod shows up. What more could you possibly ask for from Bendis? Oh, right: Quit making all your characters talk like goddamn twelve-year-olds! On the upside, the coroner is fucking cool. He’s Batman cool, but with sarcasm. In fact Bendis, LAAPPAS has demanded it: More coroner!

Laura: I can tell you the exact moment that I stopped loving Brian Michael Bendis unconditionally. It was New Avengers #20, right after the dead of Genosha reanimated, and I thought things were going to get awesome, but instead they became lamer than I ever imagined. That voice in Magneto’s head was telling him to “say my name” which conjured all sorts of creepy sexual imagery, which was fine except that it climaxed with Magneto yelling “XORN!” Xorn?? Why, Brian Michael Bendis? Why? I believed in you. I believed in us. I thought that we had something really special. I guess I was wrong.

Tarot Witch of the Black Rose #41

Laura: Tarot Witch of the Black Rose is everything that is wrong with comics. One cover features a sexy witch sucking on a sentient candy cane with cartoon eyes and floating hearts and I… I don’t even know if I can keep a straight face here. There are a lot of terrible puns, naked women getting pelted with snowballs, and at least one cat-woman giving out random handjobs. I’m not sure what else to tell you. The best part of the book is hands down the unintentionally hilarious letters section at the end, which reads like the worst fanboy bulletin board ever. The fans opine about how some people see all the distended bosoms and hairless pussies and characterize Tarot as an adult comic… b-b-but it’s not! And they’ve got a point. It’s not a comic for adults. It’s a comic for fatuous man-children who have no hope of ever seeing a woman naked again. If such is your lot, I won’t judge you for reading Tarot. Ha ha, just kidding. I’ll still totally judge you.

Adan: You know who’s a fatuous man-child? John Byrne. Zing! Two in one column. Huzzah! But seriously folks, Jim Balent, what the fuck? Remember when you used to draw Catwoman? That was some good times, man. Now you gotta do this bullshit where chicks with big titties and shaved mounds get naked in one improbable manner after another (a fucking window hook catches a dress? Seriously?). And the worst part about this horrible, horrible book is that I get the feeling that Jim Balent totally believes this Wicca bullshit (how many religions can I piss off in one column, kids?). There’s a goddamn spell at the end of the book that is supposed to relieve nightmares. “Best time to cast: waning moon; Wednesday; in the hours of Mercury.” Best time to burn this book: fucking always.

Zombies vs Robots #1

Adan: Okay, hands down: Most awesome title ever! The story isn’t great and the art blows (it’s Ashley Wood, after all, master of the murky pencil that obscures all), but it’s fucking robots versus fucking zombies! Look, I can already promise you that this won’t be like Aliens vs. Predator, where all I wanted was two hours of Aliens fighting Predators (was that so much to ask? Even Batman fought the fucking Predator, I couldn’t get a goddamn Alien to do it?). This first issue already has tons of Robots fighting tons of Zombies. It’s great. It’s not as great as a real Aliens vs. Predator movie would be, but it’ll do in a pinch.

Laura: I anticipated the shit out of Alien vs. Predator, so much so that I when I saw the movie I actually convinced myself that I liked it a little bit, despite its many, many failings. The worst part was when the hot chick and the Predator had that Moment where their eyes met and she was like, “We can do this together, Predator! Our powers combined!” For a second I thought they were actually going to develop a romantic subplot with the two of them, which might have saved the movie in a twisted, twisted way. But back to zombies, which we can’t seem to go a week without discussing. Zombies vs. Robots is a great concept, and much like AvP, I want to like it, but I can’t. The robots preface all their statements with tags like “Interrogative” and “Query” (note: same thing) to illustrate how very robotic they are, and then act weirdly emotional and petty about their illogical robot hierarchy. I’m not interested in your internecine robot drama, and I can’t imagine why anyone would program you to have it. I kept wishing the book would be more like We3, and make its non-human characters talk in a believably non-human way, but the closest it came was the zombie speech bubble containing a picture of a brain. More of that, please? More braaaaains and fewer robots that are more annoying than most people.

*No he won’t. The grudges are all that keep the fire in his heart burning like a white hot sun.