DR. SELA MATHERS: What concerns me is that prosecutors said they want Paris to stay away from alcohol. That’s like asking Britney Spears to stay away from crazy. Not gonna happen!

ROB REILLY: Though this is amusing, it’s not as amusing as when the world found out that she had herpes (best day ever for anyone who’s working class!)

SNAKE: I love it when a stuck-up broad gets what’s comin’ to her as much as the next guy, but it ain’t like she’s gonna pull a Mike Tyson and tattoo her face or become a Muslim in the clink. 45 days ain’t nuthin.

LOU: I hear orange jumpsuits are gonna be HUGE this summer.

SNAKE: Nice… I’ll have to break one or two of mine outta storage.

SKRAP: Well looks like Paris is finally gonna get what money couldn’t by her…street cred! I can’t wait to see the sex tape they’re gonna make in L.A. county!!

BOMB QUEEN: Look, you nerd jocks need to pull out my girlfriend and stick that hate into something else. You’re all just jealous. Paris is my kinda gal and I’ll make double sure she’s comfortable in jail. As a super villain I got connections, so be on the look out for Hilton’s Jail Bait Lesbian Vol. 2 sneaked Internet video. Can’t let the County Lock Down stop this train. Also….all this crap about drunk driving, suspended licenses, and no headlights are just trumped up charges. But don’t worry, by the end of the week I’ll have that Judge’s head in the river and the arresting police officer squealing like the pig he is – if you can’t my drift. I need the bonus DVD snuff film footage, anyway – Hahah! Don’t worry Paris honey, I got yo’ back – us mean bitches stick together.