The most important thing to note about Ninja Assassin is that it’s a movie called NINJA ASSASSIN!!! This is a film that has no illusions about what it is, only confident in the belief that people like two things: ninjas and Korean pop singers. Rain is the pop singer in question, as Raizo, a rogue ninja who escaped from the villainous Ozunu Clan years ago, and is now living in Berlin. But when Mika (Naomie Harris), an ambitious Europol agent, starts investigating the clan, Raizo will have to protect her from imminent retaliation.


If I had to make a prediction, I’d say that Ninja Assassin is going to be one of the greatest movies ever to inspire a drinking game. Take a shot every time a ninja LITERALLY emerges from a shadow, as if it were a tear in the fabric of space-time! Take a shot every time Raizo screams before serving up a deathblow to an opponent. Take a shot every time Raizo receives a wound that would prove fatal to any other escapist movie action hero (seriously, there’s one scene where he’s completely riddled by a seemingly endless barrage of throwing stars). Ninja Assassin has no real interest in reality, as it embraces a multitude of ninja movie clichés, and amps them up to 11. Whereas any other ninja film would simply hint at the seemingly supernatural abilities a ninja may possess, this film isn’t at all interested in being that subtle. These are ninjas by way of video games like Shinobi and Ninja Gaiden, and countless anime series. The action is as over-the-top as you could imagine, chock full of bone-crushing kicks and punches, and high-flying acrobatics. There’s even some free running in the mix for good measure. To say nothing of the countless dismembered body parts, and copious amounts of computer-generated blood.

If we absolutely must focus on the story, well, there really isn’t one. Though I wonder what could have been so bad about Matthew Sand’s initial script that the Wachowskis called in J. Michael Straczynski (Changeling, Babylon 5) to rewrite the whole damn thing. One can only assume that it was downright atrocious, as Straczynski only manages to elevate it to a level of “huh” that would even befuddle Michael Bay. There are some interesting ideas, but no real attempt is made to go beneath the surface, so we’re left with nothing to engage us when there’s no action going on. Honestly, if there was an app for the iPhone where you could shake it up to give you a random combination of character motivations and plot, you could probably come up with something better than what ultimately makes it to the screen here.

Clearly, the Wachowskis were impressed enough with Rain’s performance in Speed Racer to make moves to give him his own starring vehicle, but for the most part, he’s just kind of there. Emotionally, he falls into the post-Lethal Weapon 4/Pre-Unleashed Jet Li range. Aside from the occasional primal scream of rage during fight scenes, he’s rather stone-faced (an amazing feat considering how pretty this man is. That hair is magical!) and almost completely lacking in charisma. Naomie Harris does what she can, but her character isn’t particularly fleshed out. I’m also baffled as to why she’s saddled with an American accent, when her native British probably would have suited the European setting better, and would have probably just been a little sexier.

Ultimately, Ninja Assassin comes off like one of those Canon/Golan-Globus productions from the 80s, but with an actual budget. No one would ever accuse them of being high-brow cinema (Michael Dudikoff didn’t even start studying martial arts until AFTER the first American Ninja!), but there was a certain audacious charm to those films that’s present in Ninja Assassin, so to the point that I enjoyed most of the film in spite of itself.

Final Verdict: C+