PCS’ weekly review/preview of the good, the bad and the fugly, courtesy of our resident Wonder Twins.

American Virgin #9

Laura: Adam Chamberlain, former virginity evangelist turned completely broken man, has had a tough run of it. The girl he was saving himself for, Cassie, got beheaded and possibly raped while on a Peace Corps mission in Africa, destroying his future and his belief system in one fell swoop. He says God told him Cassie was the woman meant for him, while her murderer says that God said to kill her. That’s what really makes Adam’s life fall down around his ears: the idea that maybe, just maybe, they were both talking to themselves. The boy of convictions has become a man of half-measures, who feints at sex and death, but can’t quite embrace either, if he can even tell them apart anymore. In summary, this is the best non-superhero book I’ve read all year.

Adan: Adam Chamberlain needs to pick a side already. Either you are a son of God, and therefore will leave things to His divine will, like the punishment of the dude who beheaded and raped your girl (like Job), or you are an unbeliever and you have to take things in your own hands (like Batman). This kid just fucking annoys me and is what’s wrong with most religious folk today: hypocrisy. Either believe the Word or stop spouting it like your very own soundtrack. I understand that traumatic events can really fuck with your beliefs, but c’mon, man! You’re kind of going schizo. And I don’t know if I care enough about you to, you know, care about you.

Laura: Let me paraphrase back to you what you told me about Chase last week: the man’s heart has been broken. If you’re ever going to doubt your faith, it’s when your one true love gets her head cut off and you have to personally retrieve it from a tree in some African village. Even freakin’ Jesus had his moment on the cross when he felt deserted by God, so I’m gonna cut Adam Chamberlain a little slack. You should too. The first and only trade is out now, and it’s called Head, and you need to get it. I mean… uh, yeah.

Adan: Yeah, but Chase was never a devout Christian man. You can’t just love God when it’s going well, man. If that’s the case, you never really loved Him at all.

Laura: Don’t say that. It’s not that he doesn’t love God anymore; he just needs some time and space now to reevaluate their relationship. Maybe he needs to see other Gods. But no matter what happens, what he has with God will always be special to him.

Batman/The Spirit

Adan: Hey, this was really good! Jeph Loeb didn’t suck! And Darwyn Cooke’s art is always excellent! Almost everybody that has appeared in either comic is here: Commisioners Dolan and Gordon, the Octopus, the Joker, P’Gell, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Carrion, the Cossack, Killer Croc, Barbara Gordon, Ellen Dolan, everybody! And they mix and mingle and it’s crazy fun. It’s been awhile since I’ve had this much fun reading a comic. Just grab the book. You’ll thank yourself after you read it. PS: the Spirit’s logo does show up in the artwork, so you’re covered there too.

Laura: Good times! Turns out I don’t actually hate Jeph Loeb unconditionally. I like this book for the same reason I loved Batman: The Animated Series: it takes the Dark Dark Knight and reminds us why it’s so fucking fun to love him. He’s the goddamn Batman, and Loeb does it better here than either Miller or Morrison could muster recently. I feel like I should burst into flames just for saying that. The truth hurts, people, but it’s still the truth.

Crossing Midnight #1

Adan: Ancient religious beliefs collide with modern life (no, I’m not still talking about American Virgin). And then modern life has to pay for it. What did I learn when reading this book: don’t promise your kids to gods you don’t think exist, because they just might, and then what are you gonna do? Luckily, your kids have super powers, so they might be able to defend themselves. Yawn. I didn’t care for this book, but I can’t really find anything wrong except for the excessive First Issue Exposition problem that most comics face (or, as we shall call it from now on, FIE). It just didn’t grab me. Maybe it’ll grab you.

Laura: Yeah… I dunno. A lot of this book seemed consumed with explaining how charming and exotic Japanese culture is, and that’s not actually a plot. If someone gave me the second issue for free I might read it, but if that’s the attitude your readers come away with after issue number one, you’ve probably done something wrong.

Green Lantern #15

Adan: Holy plot threads, Batman! Geoff Johns introduces not one, not two, not three, but four separate story threads in this issue of Green Lantern, while continuing the Amon Sur hiring bounty hunters to take out Hal arc (aka Wanted: Hal Jordan). Some of you may remember the rant from a couple of years back in which I decried Johns’ handling of Jordan’s madness (which only continues to this day, by the way, with that recent Revenge of the Green Lanterns garbage). But today, in this issue, Geoff Johns actually hits one out of the park! Don’t get me wrong: I love Geoff Johns… when he’s writing anything but Green Lantern. His GL run has sucked frozen monkey titties. Until today (and I guess the issue before this wasn’t that bad, either). Way to go, Geoff. Keep this shit up and I may forget all about Green Lantern #4.* And poor Ivan Reis. I still stand by the fact that Ethan Van Sciver is the Green Lantern artist of our age, but Ivan Reis tries to prove me wrong everytime he draws a ringslinger. Keep it up. Until today, you were the only reason I kept reading this title.

Laura: “A wave of pheremones hits me harder than a 12-pack,” says Hal Jordan when he encounters the sexy sex-powered superheroine, Crimson Fox. It turns out a woman is like a beer, just like Homer Simpson told us all those years ago. Crimson Fox is French, but apparently can’t speak French very well from her total inability to order adjectives properly, which is sad for her. That’s about all I have to say. I don’t care about Green Lantern. It’s all right though, because Adan cares enough for the both of us.

Guy Gardner: Collateral Damage #1

Adan: And now, for a real Lantern! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the most bigoted, racist, misogynist, and manliest of all Green Lanterns, Guy Gardner! And even for all his faults (and there are millions), he will still ride in and save the motherfucking day. Do you know why? Because he’s Guy Gardner. Guy Gardner doesn’t ever fuck around; he gets right to the point. If he wants to take you back to his place for a little R&R, he ain’t gonna be subtle about it. He’s gonna tell you right out. You need him to save a bunch of neutral aliens in the path of two warring peoples by brokering peace? He’s gonna ask you what’s in it for him. And if you say nothing but rainbows and sunshine, he’ll still do it. But don’t for a second think he’s not going to find something the benefits him, especially if the representatives of the two warring peoples are hot. And G’nort, I think I liked you better when you were an idiot. And if you think Guy Gardner cares if you read his book or not, he doesn’t. But he is going to think you’re a pussy for not reading (and if you bring up that Batman-one punch thing, he’s going to kick you in the face). FYI, Guy Gardner is the leader of my own personal JLA: the Jerky League of America, comprised of such stellar jerks as Asuka Soryu Langley, Dr. Gregory House, MD, the Black Spy (that guy’s a dick), and many more. Wanna join up? Then go punch a puppy and we’ll talk.

Laura: Guy Gardner is Guy Gardner, and you either love him or hate him. And Adan loves him. I mean, really loves him. And I’m trying to do some sort of psychoanalysis of why he has this overwhelming man-crush on such a jerk, but the truth is that I tend to fall for guys who are jerks too, so maybe I shouldn’t cast stones. Actually, that’s nice. That’s something we can share… our love of charismatic assholes. Oh, and the story is kind of ridiculous (Guy Gardner as an intergalactic arbiter??) and the art is borderline bad, but you heard me before. Guy Gardner is Guy Gardner, and you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.

Immortal Iron Fist #1

Adan: Why is it blue-eyed rich white guys always make the best martial artists? Curse you, brown eyes, small bank account, and… okay, I’m pretty white (but my heart will always be Aztec), for denying me the opportunity to be like Batman, Chuck Norris, and Johnny Cage. I could have been a contender. But enough about my dashed hopes and dreams, let’s talk about Iron Fist. That dude sure can beat the crap outta people. And he doesn’t need any stinking booties. Yeah, I’m talking to you, John Byrne. Do you know why he doesn’t need any booties? ‘Cause he’s not a fucking man-child like you are. He’s a bad-ass motherfucker (apologies to Sam Jackson), while beating Hydra out in the streets and while beating Commies in the boardroom. And while we’re on the subject of bad-ass motherfuckers, let’s talk about David Aja. This guy can draw. He can draw all kinds of awesomeness. He could probably do it in his sleep. His panel progressions rock my meerkats pretty hard. And you will find a pair of bad-ass motherfuckers in Bru and Fraction. These kids can spin a yarn better than your Grams on Knittin’ Night. However, there is a small bit of confusion in their scene jumps, but I must chalk it up to the FIE. Do yourself a favor and buy this awesome book. Pissing off John Byrne is a beautiful fringe benefit. Oh, and also, fuck Communism.

Laura: He is the Iron Fist. He holds back the storm. Something is holding back this book from being great, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun read and everybody seems to love it. It just doesn’t come together quite as well as I would like, and it’s almost more frustrating because it’s so close to being good. Maybe it’s this FIE Adan keeps talking about. Fie on you, FIE.

Onslaught Reborn #1

Laura: I’m going to say right up front that I’m not a big fan of Jeph Loeb’s writing. Or Liefeld’s art. Or the Onslaught storyline. So really, I wasn’t expecting much from this book, and not much did it deliver. In fairness, Liefeld’s art is better than it used to be, if you ignore that one picture where Sue Storm suddenly has scary football player shoulders. Anyway, the writing is bad. Like, tack-it-up-on-a-bulletin-board-as-an-example-of-what-not-to-do bad. Onslaught is back, and he’s seeking… you guessed it, revenge. Zzzzzz. Franklin narrates a lot, which you can tell because he uses lots of conversational fillers like “y’know” and “y’see,” and describes the Negative Zone as “a place you’ve got to know to know, you know what I mean?” It’s all part of that special dialect spoken only by adults who try to simulate how they imagine children talk. Also, Franklin refers to M Day as “genocide by magic, I guess.” I guess! Wow, magical genocide—destroying an entire race of people has never sounded so enchanting.

Adan: Hey, why did the comic book character cross the road? Because it wanted to get away from Rob Liefeld’s impossible perspective. Hey, if you continue to let Rob Liefeld draw you with your mouth open in every single panel, you will catch a fly and it will not taste good. Hey, are those Bucky’s ridiculously long legs as drawn by Rob Liefeld in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? …I could write a whole book with the material that Rob Liefeld gives me. And while I have no love lost for Jeph Loeb (who will ruin every single ending to every single story, it seems, except for Batman: The Long Halloween and Batman/The Spirit), Franklin Richards is not narrating. It’s actually the aforementioned Heroes Reborn Bucky. Sorry to call you out like that, sis, but you’re just plain wrong. I can understand your mistake, though. You don’t find out that it’s Bucky until the very end, and you probably couldn’t stomach it for that long. It’s cool, I understand. And those of you schmucks who just gasped and are bitching that I provided no spoiler alert for the fact that girl Bucky shows up in the end, what the fuck is wrong with you? Where are your goddamn priorities?

Laura: Yeah… you got me. I can only blame my total disrespect for every single page of this book. I think I checked out somewhere during the Onslaught vs. Thing battle that seemed to take up half the book, which in reality would take about .5 seconds because it’s fucking Onslaught versus the Thing. God, my contempt for this book is overwhelming.

Powers #21

Laura: It’s nice to be reminded that there was a reason I used to like Brian Michael Bendis. It’s another head-popping issue with Detectives Walker and Pilgrim, as those with more power than wisdom make some rash decisions, and then lots of people die. For some reason, Bendis and Oeming always manage to make that mean something, or at least make it feel ugly, rather than exciting. And although this isn’t the best Powers has ever been (that was the Forever trade, for the record), I’m still on board. It’s sad to think about how good it might have been if Bendis had spent more time with it, rather than spreading himself thin across various Marvel titles, but regret is an unproductive emotion. I still care about these characters, and I’m still waiting to have my socks knocked off again. I may be waiting a while, though, so at least I’ve got a book to read.

Adan: Wow, used to like Brian Michael Bendis? When did that happen? You don’t have to lie to make friends, you know. You’ve loved that bald little man since fucking Jinx, and don’t you lie. You’ve defended that man everytime I can remember. Although, to be fair, this series is good. It’s got its low points every once and awhile (and would it kill Oeming to not draw a naked dead chick for one arc?), this one is not one of them. Powers start dying off left and right, and the coroner starts stacking them like cordwood (he even comments to Pilgrim and Walker that they should really get on that). It’s fun and it’s cool and an iPod shows up. What more could you possibly ask for from Bendis? Oh, right: Quit making all your characters talk like goddamn twelve-year-olds! On the upside, the coroner is fucking cool. He’s Batman cool, but with sarcasm. In fact Bendis, LAAPPAS has demanded it: More coroner!

Laura: I can tell you the exact moment that I stopped loving Brian Michael Bendis unconditionally. It was New Avengers #20, right after the dead of Genosha reanimated, and I thought things were going to get awesome, but instead they became lamer than I ever imagined. That voice in Magneto’s head was telling him to “say my name” which conjured all sorts of creepy sexual imagery, which was fine except that it climaxed with Magneto yelling “XORN!” Xorn?? Why, Brian Michael Bendis? Why? I believed in you. I believed in us. I thought that we had something really special. I guess I was wrong.

Tarot Witch of the Black Rose #41

Laura: Tarot Witch of the Black Rose is everything that is wrong with comics. One cover features a sexy witch sucking on a sentient candy cane with cartoon eyes and floating hearts and I… I don’t even know if I can keep a straight face here. There are a lot of terrible puns, naked women getting pelted with snowballs, and at least one cat-woman giving out random handjobs. I’m not sure what else to tell you. The best part of the book is hands down the unintentionally hilarious letters section at the end, which reads like the worst fanboy bulletin board ever. The fans opine about how some people see all the distended bosoms and hairless pussies and characterize Tarot as an adult comic… b-b-but it’s not! And they’ve got a point. It’s not a comic for adults. It’s a comic for fatuous man-children who have no hope of ever seeing a woman naked again. If such is your lot, I won’t judge you for reading Tarot. Ha ha, just kidding. I’ll still totally judge you.

Adan: You know who’s a fatuous man-child? John Byrne. Zing! Two in one column. Huzzah! But seriously folks, Jim Balent, what the fuck? Remember when you used to draw Catwoman? That was some good times, man. Now you gotta do this bullshit where chicks with big titties and shaved mounds get naked in one improbable manner after another (a fucking window hook catches a dress? Seriously?). And the worst part about this horrible, horrible book is that I get the feeling that Jim Balent totally believes this Wicca bullshit (how many religions can I piss off in one column, kids?). There’s a goddamn spell at the end of the book that is supposed to relieve nightmares. “Best time to cast: waning moon; Wednesday; in the hours of Mercury.” Best time to burn this book: fucking always.

Zombies vs Robots #1

Adan: Okay, hands down: Most awesome title ever! The story isn’t great and the art blows (it’s Ashley Wood, after all, master of the murky pencil that obscures all), but it’s fucking robots versus fucking zombies! Look, I can already promise you that this won’t be like Aliens vs. Predator, where all I wanted was two hours of Aliens fighting Predators (was that so much to ask? Even Batman fought the fucking Predator, I couldn’t get a goddamn Alien to do it?). This first issue already has tons of Robots fighting tons of Zombies. It’s great. It’s not as great as a real Aliens vs. Predator movie would be, but it’ll do in a pinch.

Laura: I anticipated the shit out of Alien vs. Predator, so much so that I when I saw the movie I actually convinced myself that I liked it a little bit, despite its many, many failings. The worst part was when the hot chick and the Predator had that Moment where their eyes met and she was like, “We can do this together, Predator! Our powers combined!” For a second I thought they were actually going to develop a romantic subplot with the two of them, which might have saved the movie in a twisted, twisted way. But back to zombies, which we can’t seem to go a week without discussing. Zombies vs. Robots is a great concept, and much like AvP, I want to like it, but I can’t. The robots preface all their statements with tags like “Interrogative” and “Query” (note: same thing) to illustrate how very robotic they are, and then act weirdly emotional and petty about their illogical robot hierarchy. I’m not interested in your internecine robot drama, and I can’t imagine why anyone would program you to have it. I kept wishing the book would be more like We3, and make its non-human characters talk in a believably non-human way, but the closest it came was the zombie speech bubble containing a picture of a brain. More of that, please? More braaaaains and fewer robots that are more annoying than most people.

*No he won’t. The grudges are all that keep the fire in his heart burning like a white hot sun.