Amazing Spider-Man #535

Adan: Let me get this straight, I need to read Civil War #5 AND #6 in order to understand this story? Well, sucks to be me ’cause Civil War #6 is about two months away from being released. Ah well, at least I get to read May being all feisty again. How this woman is living without arthiritis, osteoporosis and a diaper is beyond me. On the upside, we find out what happens when Tony says “Spider-Armor shut down” (eagle-eyed readers will remember me complaining about this in last week’s Civil War #5 semi-pick). We don’t find out what happens when the Punisher saves Peter, though. We have to read the Punisher for that. It’s like Marvel put all these pieces of the same story in different books on purpose. What a crazy world that would be, huh?

Laura: Tony Stark and Spider-Man continue throwing down, but then suddenly we cut away to a much later scene, which Editor’s Notes say will make sense after we read Civil War 6. I guess not much happens in #6, because just about everything feels like retread until the last three pages, which were good, but not worth a dollar a page. At least Spidey finally gets rid of that ass-ugly red and gold costume, which I like only for the reason you might like banging your head against a wall: cause it feels so good when it finally stops.

Casanova #6

Adan: Remember how much you love Fell? Well, meet Casanova. It’s just as awesome as Fell: It’s a cheap date (only a buck ninety-nine), contains none of that obnoxious decompressed storytelling bullshit (Matt Fraction could write ‘War and Peace’ in two pages and still keep the emotional breadth and depth if he had to), has beautiful art found nowhere else on Earth (Gabriel Ba is the best thing to come out of Brazil since thongs), and has more stuff inside it than a Taco Bell Seven Layer Burrito (after the awesome story, Matt tells us exactly how he came up with that particular issue, which is usually hilarious). So go get it.

Laura: This book is really good, and really weird. If this is your first issue of Casanova, it may not make sense to you. That’s OK. This is my sixth issue and it still doesn’t make sense to me, but I love it. Tracking down the back issues is highly recommended, as it helps you appreciate all the layers on which this high-concept mindfuck is fantastically bizarre, but if you don’t have the patience, then just jump in. In the closing notes, Matt Fraction compares writing Casanova with accumulating items in an old school adventure game, to which I say: PICK UP BOOK.

Drain #1

Laura: Reading Drain is a lot like reading Harlan Ellison’s personally scripted legal complaint against Fantagraphics—so hilariously preposterous that you think that surely this can’t be serious; it must be some sort of deeply ironic form of self-mockery—but the great part is that it’s not! Drain is about a sexy man-killing vampire ninja who also happens to be a (spoiler alert) lesbian. A sexy lesbian. And she’s seeking revenge! It kicks off with a decapitation and a non-ironic double entendre about head, following by a shot of our sexy vampire ninja lesbian licking blood off her looong blade. Yeeeah. If it’s not already an obvious wankfest, they decide to take us on a visual tour of her different roles throughout history, including sexy nurse, sexy geisha, sexy pirate, sexy cowboy, and sexy pop star. What, no sexy witch? What kind of Halloween party is this?

Adan: Oh man, this book is so bad, it gets good again just long enough to get bad again. And Laura already told you why. I’d tell you to go buy this and enjoy the gut-wrenching laughter you will experience, but I’m afraid it will only embolden our enemies. So go steal it instead.* I won’t tell.**

Heroes for Hire #4

Adan: See, what Drain tried to do and failed miserably at, Heroes for Hire excels at. Two bootylicious heroines who don’t take no shit from nobody. Sure, Misty Knight and Colleen Wing are impossible women with boobs and hair and the whole nine, but they will also kick your ass for staring at their boobs instead of listening to them. And that doesn’t even matter because the best character in this book is not a set of Ds in skin-tight spandex who will punch your teeth out for saying bad stuff about their mommas. Nope, it’s a small, gnomish kinda guy that talks to roaches. Humbug is the guy you’d want in your corner no matter how gross you thought he was. And the second best character in this book is Otis, the girl’s invulnerable secretary. That’s two ugly, almost useless characters that Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray have managed to turn into fucking rock stars. Way to go, guys.

Laura: Strong characters and balls-out style certainly go a long way, but between the creepy/funny baby fetish scene and the vicious tragedy later in the book, I couldn’t decide whether or not to take the book seriously, or just ride the wave from cover to cover. What happens to Tarantula actually makes a pretty good case against the Registration Act, so it’ll be interesting to see how that unfolds. I’ll keep reading solely on the strength of Humbug and Shang-Chi (Master of Kung Fu), and of course it’s always a pleasure to see Misty Knight, even if it does make Beyonce songs circle on an endless loop in my brain.

Noble Causes #25

Adan: The big 2-5 hits the Noble family and they take the opportunity to go on a little joyride through time. Liz Donnely-Noble is careening farther and farther into the future and she’s slowly piecing together what her family will become. Unfortunately, every time period is drawn by a different guy and it just takes right out of the comic. I’ve been reading Noble Causes since it started and I mostly enjoy it. But this issue is definitely not the one to start with. There’s too much history that plays into Liz’s glimpses into the future and not enough consistency from the artists. After the surprise ending, next issue should be a much better jumping on point for new readers.

Laura: This was my first issue of Noble Causes, and I had kind of no idea what was going on. Liz, the apparent matriarch of a super-powered family, starts running so fast that she travels through time to different points in her family’s future. Figuring out who was who and what was what while the main character was doing the same thing made for a rocky reading experience, but no harm no foul. Do what Adan says and check back later when this will all (hopefully) make more sense.

Pirates of Coney Island #2

Adan: The pirates finally show up and there is much Arrr-ing. Anything Rick Spears writes, I will read, and that’s saying a lot. Rick has my utmost trust and he’s never let me down. The best part in this issue: the nautical terms the pirates use while driving around Coney Island. And how they get their food. And what the new kid wears at the end. You know what? The whole fucking book is great. It’s fun and you won’t find anything like it on the rack. Permission to come aboard is granted.

Laura: It’s fun watching kids play pirates. I’d like it better if they were doing it in a creek or a treehouse or a backyard instead of creepy abandoned buildings in Coney Island, but some children have tougher lives than others and they should still get to play. Bright, candy-colored art and sympathetic, believably weird little kids make this worth a read, particularly if you feel like picking up something different than the same Spider-Man vs. Iron Man fight from twenty different angles. It gets extra points for mentioning my personal hero, Takeru Kobayashi. Anyone who can eat 53 hot dogs in twelve minutes and still have a six-pack deserves all the name-dropping he can get.

Runaways #22

Laura: Happy birthday, Chase. You’re 18 now, which according to our somewhat arbitrary laws makes you an adult. Except that you hate adults, so now you’re wondering whether you should turn into the only kind you’ve ever known: an evil one. I know becoming the thing you once hated is a sure-fire way to dial up the angst, but compare and contrast with Nico, who is carrying the mantle of leadership with grace and strength, despite her insecurities and incredibly pointy hair. Instead of turning into her parents, she has decided to turn into a Final Fantasy character, but she’s still one up on you. Her power lies in innovation, in growth and change, while your power lies in dragging around your dead girlfriend’s psychic dinosaur like a giant, snarling albatross of grief, and generally acting like a selfish prick. Two words, Chase: grow up.

Adan: Harsh, L. The kid has known true love, and then lost said true love. That’s bound to make anybody go a little batty. Give it time, he’ll come around. Or do something profoundly stupid to get that true love back. One or the other. The point is, you shouldn’t mock an obviously hurting man. Although major points for your awesome wordplay. Yes, it was at the expense of our poor Mister Stein, but it was some damn fine wordplay.

Laura: Aww, now I feel kinda bad. I know it hurts, Chase, but buck up. Just about everyone gets their heart broken into little tiny pieces at one time or another, and the good news is that eventually you’ll put it back together again. Just not exactly the same way it was before. In the meantime, try not to be an asshole.

Walking Dead #32

Adan: The best zombie book in the world is starting to lose its luster. To be honest, it lost its luster when Rick told us all that he and his merry band of merry men were the walking dead (in a full page panel focusing on his face as he screamed it for the firmament to buckle and the heavens to shake, no less). Now there’s this town with a crazy governor who feeds newbies to the zombies (for entertainment purposes only, of course) and Rick has to be all manly man in the face of batshit crazy again. And I’m almost totally done with this whole genre again.

Laura: Did a zombie eat your mother, Adan? From whence comes your irrational hatred of the undead? At least this book isn’t simply a sightseeing tour of the body’s internal organs; for the moment, it’s about the stupid, terrible things that living people do to each other for no reason, with the threat of zombies lying dormant in the backdrop, ready to jump out and attack whenever you least suspect it. This is why people are supposed to bond together against a common foe, instead of fighting each other like idiots. The zombies take you all.

Adan: My mother was a zombie and I’m just sick and tired of seeing all this racism towards Undead-Americans. Not every single zombie is a head-eating jackass who says nothing but “Brains” all day. A little respect, jeez.

Laura: There’s a very easy joke here about your mother and eating head, but I’m gonna let it pass me by. Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.

Wonder Woman #3

Laura: Who is Wonder Woman? Just about everyone except Diana, apparently, including special guest Hercules, who seems pretty pissed off about her year-long vacation from championing Olympus. He has rather some choice words reserved for her “Agent Prince” persona as well, for which I would like to high five him, because I’m sick of it too. I know it’s she’s trying to be sly with her hair buns and her silly pink glasses, but I’m tired of the Clark Kent School of Superhero Disguise, and I’m tired of this tedious foreplay. It’s issue #3 of Wonder Woman, and I still haven’t seen Wonder Woman, so wake me up when she gets here.

Adan: There are three Wonder Women in this book (I counted twice just to make sure) and the best thing about it is still a dude named Nemesis. That guy don’t fuck around. He’s balls nasty. But back to the real question here: how many times are you going to use that Wonder Man joke, Heinberg? Because if that’s the best you got, I’m leaving. And one final point: Dr. Psycho is in like three different books, and he doesn’t match in any two, much less all three. Same goes for Cheetah. See, I caught that on my lunch break. Where’s my money, DC? More importantly, where are your fucking editors?

X-Factor #13

Laura: At any given time, I imagine that the members of any supergroup are consumed by varying levels of barely concealed dysfunction and grief, given their penchant for tragedy and betrayal. Unfortunately, they’re usually too busy rushing from one apocalypse to another to talk about it, but this month X-Factor devotes an entire issue to head-shrinking, peeling open the layers of each character and letting them fall apart. What we learn is that no matter how strong and beautiful and invulnerable they may seem, every single one of them is wounded, terrified, and alone. Every single one of them is looking for something to hold on to in the midst of utter chaos, trying desperately to keep it together, one day at a time. In short, they are people—and they are just like us. Standing ovation, Peter David.

Adan: Yeah, really. It’s David’s best… well, best anything, probably. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything better by David (although keep in mind I didn’t read any of his Hulk stuff and that’s supposed to be phenomenal). All of X-Factor’s member get interviewed. The Doc even goes across town to look up Quicksilver because why not. He used to be in X-Factor so you might as well. And the new regular artist Raimondi is super cool. I love his renditions of the entire team, especially his Pietro. It’s probably his best character design, so I hope David writes him in a lot more often.

*LAPPAS does not condone thievery of any sort, so knock that shit off.
**Oh yes he will. You know why? ‘Cause he’s a fucking narc.