AXM — all of a sudden everything is wrapped up (and doesn’t even feel like it) and then we’re rocketing off to breakworld. wtf? i really thought we were in for something cool here :(

DD: FATHER — in defense of joe q, don’t tell the man to go back to EIC-ing; i mean, say what you will about his stories, but he can still draw his ass off

SUPERGIRL — the art is just baffling. her face looks like… a blow-up porno doll or something. which is disturbing enough, without even considering she’s only supposed to be 16 or whatever :o

LAURA — where do you buy your fancy coffee? only $1.99??

ADAN — must every review hype queen and country? :o

yes, i will hype Queen & Country every chance i get. it’s the best comic book out right now. it’s only problem is its inability to stay on any kind of schedule.

also, Joe Q can’t fucking draw! all his art looks like mutated Frank Miller art circa The Dark Knight Strikes Again. it’s fucking horrible.

I buy my coffee in Queens, yo.

Wow! You people are HARSH! Not that this sorry lineup of tripe isn’t worth your wrath, of course. Speaking of wrath-worthy, why didn’t you review Anita Blake #2? I would have enjoyed your witty comments and obliteration of that one. Shouldn’t we be concerned about the amount of paper and ink wasted on crap like that? What are the ramifications on the worldwide conservation effort? Just thinking out loud.

Here’s an exercise in futility as Marvel brings new readers to comics…. and will promptly lose them… because who the heck would want to read Anita #2 after barfing through #1?!?

Speaking of the porno art (and general sleaziness of Supergirl), am I coo-coo, or has anyone else also noticed the alarming influence of pornography on DC Comics?? Look at the covers… the flashy cleavage, leg spreads, butt shots and other “creative” angles? And the fact that DC is far more guilty of it even then Marvel? Hmmmm.

Well, I’ll stop ranting now, because Laura and Adan are far more talented at it than I. Keep up the good work!

We actually did Anita Blake in first set of reviews, and lo, we did tear it a new one. Two consecutive issues would just be fish in a barrel, though.

Hank is totally right about the sleaziness in comics. I’m no fucking Puritan (notice the F-bomb where, frankly, none was required), but these comics are supposed to be kid-safe. Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for adult comics (Lost Girls is awesome), but for God’s sake, label them as such. And don’t label softcore porn like Supergirl as kid safe. This girl is supposed to be sixteen, and yet dresses like a crack whore and acts like a stripper. Is this what we want our kids to read?

Do you need a cane to bang on the floor or something?

In my day, kids read wholesome comics, like Akiko, Yotsuba&!, Bone, and others that were marked as safe for kids and actually were. Don’t tell me you’re okay with marketing sleaze to children, because if you are, then you are a horrible person.

Honestly, the exploitative stuff in Supergirl barely even scanned for me–mostly because I feel like it’s just the status quo. It’s like the sexual volume is turned up to 11, instead of 8 or 9. Either way, it’s freakin’ loud. It’s like working in a bell factory or something, but with sex. I think I should stop this analogy now.

You’re only saying that because you “woke up this morning at 7:30 AM still drunk, half-naked and covered in comic books, with unintelligible LAAPPS reviews I don’t remember writing in an unsent e-mail on my computer screen.”

That’s a real quote, kids!

I hate you.

And the winner of this week’s LAAPPS is….. (insert drumroll please)

Me!

Father was waaay too late, and maybe Joe isn’t the best writer, but don’t say Joe should stop slinging pencil lines. That’s so bunk. He did some amazing work on this series, albeit on a f***ed schedule, but the guy has some serious skill that doesn’t get put to enough use sitting behind a desk.

I think you guys revealed a LITTLE too much in the X-Men review. Not that I necessarily disagreed with the review itself.

Adan, you crack me up with your whore remarks. And what a weapon Laura has at her disposal when she’s cranky and hating the world. “You know what’s better than a snake? A bullet, asshole.” Had me rolling.

Also, Adan, I agree with your point about Iron Man and feel that this emphasizes my point. I also enjoy the fact that I am mentioned in this week’s reviews and would like to point out that this should happen more often. Just saying. :-P

first of all, i gotta say that this is my fav place to get an idea what comics i’ll need each week. you’re like the guy on my street corner who won’t sell you his stash, but he definately knows a guy who knows a guy who’ll hook you up with some mind-blowing shit. except a little less hyperbole.

anyhoo, i was happy to see y’all lay off of civil war for a moment, but i gotta say that this was the first civil war issue that flat out didnt do it for me. i can agree that these logistical and continuity problems have been accumulating, but i can still certainly enjoy millar’s punchy dialogue and mcnivens artwork despite these flaws (plus, those kinds of problems are almost standard in a universe-wide crossover event). but, to me it seems this issue is the first where the strain of keeping all the threads together shows. first of all, iron man and spidey’s fight takes all of 3 pages (three pages! come on!). cap’s plan- which should be the crux of the closing arc (what with only 2 issues left)- is barely mentioned, sandwiched in between some half-baked “assignments” that will no doubt be followed up in even MORE tie-in issues. and finally. the jester?? jack-o-lantern?? what about all the badass super villians we saw in the last issue? i hope i’m not ruining this issue for anyone, but i can’t keep quiet about this.

still, i paid for my ticket and i’ve got to ride this crazy train to the end. considering that the wolverine crossover’s ended, i’m only following spider man and captain america from here on out. anyways, love the work- keep it up.

While I agree with most of your assesments, I have to disagree about AXM #18. While the ending felt a bit rushed, that whole exchange between Beast and Logan about the string of ball and beer was awesome, and really hits the core of the characters. But yeah, DD: Father stinks!

Upon further reflection of CW #5, when did Spidey become such a punk that he can be taken down my 2 Q list villains? Or my favorite moment, SHIELD agents firing non lethal tranquilizing rounds can break through reinforced glass but spidey cant? Ughhh this book is a mess, and I have a bad feeling I wont want to make mine Marvel when its all said and done.

We did say too much about AXM, probably because we had no respect for it, but duly noted.

I still don’t buy the scene with Logan and Hank–Joss Whedon can’t write Wolverine to save his life. He does a mean Kitty Pryde, though.

let’s get one thing straight here: Laura said too much about AXM. i said (and you can read it up top) there was an obnoxious ending, bubble-armor kid fights alongside Percy Dovetonsils (and you won’t know who that is until you read it), and Cyclops shoots people, which happened at the end of last issue anyway. what exactly did i give away? nothing, that’s what. Laura on the other hand basically read the comic to you, but you know what? who cares? the comic sucked anyway and she’s only trying to save you some money. i wish i had given away this issue, but i have to give credit where credit is due. Laura saved you money, and if you still bought this book, then that’s on you.

*sigh* If only the powers-that-be at Marvel and DC would read this column and heed the wonderful advice offered here. The entire industry would be reborn anew… in an astounding new era of light and hope!

..And the current ass-backward trend of mediocrity, and disrespect toward characters and readers would end forevermore! I still can’t believe Supergirl looks like a crack-whore.

preach it, brother! can i get an Amen!?

“AXM” might have been a let-down for total resolve, but what Whedon plots aren’t one grand arc? “Buffy” is a story that is STILL evolving with it’s comic-continuation. If you don’t like that kind of story-telling, this is SOOOO not the title for you and I can’t believe you, if you’re to be taken seriously as critics, didn’t see that coming.

And if read more carefully, I think you can see that Emma feels guilt for the horrible things she’s done and rightfully so. She has done horrible things. But does that make her evil? THAT is Cassandra’s suggestion; THAT is what fed her and allowed her to drive Emma to her breaking point. Nowhere is Emma absolved from her “sins.” … Read it again, maybe?

“Civil War” on the other hand seems to have dropped the ball so incredibly hard with #5. It has gaping wounds where tie-ins fit in and fill in how characters have been driven to their current circumstances. How can you not acknowledge how lame it is that only now, two issues from the finale, that we finally hear the Pro-Registration motives? They are actually far more reasonable than we’ve been led to believe and had we known them earlier, perhaps it would be a true Civil War from the reader’s perspective and not “those Pro-reg jerks beating up on Cap America.”

This issue is spectacularly drawn and has wonderful dialogue. It has a fantastic driving concept. However, it is such a choppy execution and it is sold on the “villains, villains, villains” concept, only to feature two D-listers? This issue doesn’t even push the plot towards a finale. It is just another blip on the grand Civil War radar when this mini-series should be THE stand-out component of this event. It plays second fiddle to all the personalized stories in the tie-ins.

We never said that we expected some kind of ultimate resolution here, or that we didn’t like Whedon’s style of storytelling. In fact, we’re probably two of the biggest Astonishing X-Men fans you’ll meet, and I personally worshipped at the altar of Buffy for seven–well, six–seasons.

This issue was just bad, though. Sorry.

Listen, you can come up with as many excuses as you want for why Whedon does this, that, and any fucking thing, but the simple fact remains that this issue sucks harder than President Hoover.

Also, “if you’re to be taken seriously as critics?” What the fuck? Do we not critique? Do we not write up said critiques? Certainly you understand every man, woman, and child has opinions of their own and oftentimes those opinions do not match each other. When i say AXM sucks, it’s because i think it sucks. You may disagree, and that’s fine, but don’t go impugning my ability to critique. I’ll have you know i have a college degree in ripping bad comics apart.

And you know what? I did expect a resolution in this issue. Do you know why? Because it’s part 6 of 6. Being the last part of a multi-part story implies a resolution, a climax, a fucking denouement. I don’t care if you’re Joss Whedon or John Milton writing comics or epic poetry; when you get to the end of a story, there better be a goddamn finale (this is not to say one cannot have something that points to the next arc, but pointing is not what Whedon did). If this is not the end, that’s okay; just tell me so. Instead of having two six-part arcs, have one twelve-parter. Just don’t fucking lie to me.

“Read it again.” Your mom can read it again.

As for Civil War, you do have some valid points that i totally missed. This was billed as “Villains, Villains, Villains” and all i got was Jack O’Lantern and the fucking Jester. That should have raised my ire, but because that billing was such a monumentally long time ago, i forgot and was instead dazzled by the Punisher in his snazzy outfit. This was the equivalent of Mark Millar saying, “What gaping plot hole? Look at the shiny!” to me and me behaving exactly as a cat would, nay, a kitten. Too stupid and inexperienced to understand the relationship between a red dot on the ground and the hand holding a pen with a red beam coming out its end.

Damn you Mark Millar. Damn you and your laser pointer.

Darling Adan,

I can “impugn” any opinion I see fit if it seems unfounded, much like you can employ your degree to rip “bad” comics. I’d just say don’t get caught up in attempts to be witty. You’d sad some really valid things, but I think you have to take into consideration the specific stylings of a writer and how they apply it to whatever media they are using. You can’t expect Whedon to spell everything out like Claremont would. NONE of his arcs have tied up neatly. “Gifted” left the issue of the Cure and Ord open, but we forget that because “House of M” eliminated the issue for the most part. “Dangerous” ended only to have Danger blasted into space to fight another day and the X-Men having opened a huge can of worm regarding their relationship with Xavier that’s still lacked much exploration (al biet partially because it evolved to bigger issues — “Deadly Genesis”). This issue resolved why Emma was “betraying” the team as well as the long-standing issue of her feelings regarding her past , which so many people bitch about. But it also folded into the next plot with unfinished elements from every other arc Whedon’s written – Danger, Breakworld and Ord, Lockheed as a mole, and now Cassandra Nova.

*shrugs* I guess I can just see it leading towards a larger finale given all the leftovers we already had.

Yes, i did take into consideration the specific stylings of this writer and how he applied it to this specific medium, which he is using. “It was paint-by-numbers Whedon.”

Perhaps it was not Whedon’s fault that his story was divided into four parts, but the fact remains that it was. And the previous two “endings” actually felt like endings and had things resolved. Ord was defeated, Danger was defeated. They were left alive, like all villains ultimately are, which means they can come back at any time, which all villains ultimately do. He also left pointers to the next arcs (in this and other books) like Xavier’s treatment of Danger, Lockheed’s status as spy, and Emma’s possible schizoid personality and inclusion in the new Hellfire Club. This arc did not have that. It was rushed, and when we got to the “end,” the big climactic battle was stopped by a transporter and an ancillary character saying, “We’re off to Breakworld.” It’s lame and it’s not an ending by any stretch of the imagination.

Also, i do not “attempt” to be witty. Witticisms flow from me like bad anatomy flows from Rob Liefeld. Neither of us has to try to achieve our calling; we merely do.

And finally, impugn my opinion if you must, but do not impugn my ability to have one, which is what you were originally doing.

“Witticisms flow from me like bad anatomy flows from Rob Liefeld. Neither of us has to try to achieve our calling; we merely do.”

Touche.

I honestly didn’t intend to sound like an asshole. However, I do think you’ve got a skewed idea about what exactly the resolution of “AXM: Torn” really was/was going to be. For me, Emma speaking in a room of shadows was more outrageous than them being swept away by a transporter-beam. This arc answers: who is the mole, who is the destroyer of Breakworld, what is up with Emma? (As well as pushing readers towards a greater understanding of Emma and covering Chuck Austen’s ass for his hanging “Where’s Cassandra’s body?” line from “Bright New Mourning.”)

*That’s a lot for one arc, imo. Naturally the bigger scope issues (the Breakworld Saga, the Danger issue, battling Cassandra) are going to require more issues and that each of these arcs are pieces to a bigger puzzle, so a certain amount of “That’s it?” should be expected and not seen as a weakness.

uhmm…..just had to add…..

and I know this is two weeks late……

but AXM was a huge letdown…..personally, I for one am tired of the whole “is she/isn’t she?” debate/debaucle regarding Emma. The Emma overexposure has become such a tool….I would like to see something fresh that doesn’t depend on Emma’s supposed guilt-ridden bad(plastic)assness….

fyi—I fell in love with Scott as well for three seconds……he was hot…..I mean ‘up against the wall’ hot…..then, wow….it was amazing to see how quickly he handed over his testicles to Emma.