Hi, guys. Adan tells me I have some explaining to do. I was absent last week, and terribly late this week, and will be absent again next week for a combination of reasons that include incapacitating illness and ridiculous levels of business simultaneously. It’s also possible that some of my reviews this week are slightly phoned in. You’ll know which ones. Mea culpa, mea culpa. – Laura

Amazing Spider-Man #539

Laura: Maybe this is the stabbing pain behind my eye talking right now, but I kind of hope that Aunt May dies. She’s useless and boring and played out, and my only regret is that the abdomen wound wasn’t a head shot. Put her out of her misery, already. My greatest fear in all of this is that they’re going to tease us with her death, and then not actually give it to us. And no one likes a tease, Marvel.

Adan: If your elderly aunt gets shot through the abdomen with a sniper rifle, do you: a) call 911 and wait for the ambulance, b) try to staunch the bleeding while waiting for the ambulance you called, or c) pick up your frail, shot-up aunt and swing through the city to the nearest hospital and leave her unattended in a room, hoping someone heard you crash through the window (which I’m sure could not have negatively affected your aunt in the least). If you chose option C, then you are as retarded as Spider-Man. You aren’t supposed to move her, dumbass! What the hell is wrong with you? I know you’re on the run from the law, but for fuck’s sake, maybe prison isn’t such a bad thing if it means your aunt, the woman who raised you, has a better shot at living because you didn’t jostle the hell out of her insides, all the while she bled out on your shirt and pants, which are, of course, clean as a whistle (and what miracle cleaning agent is responsible for that? did he Shout it out?)

Army @ Love #1

Adan: I’m not sure if this is good or not. I can’t really fault the writing or the art (the art, in particular, is really quite good; Erksine’s inks especially), but something is definitely off. Maybe it really is too early to make fun of the war in Afghanistan? No, that can’t be it. Maybe the whole thing seems too implausible. Will the armed forces really need people that badly that they’ll allow grunts cell phones and bacchanalias? I guess if they’d instated a draft, the populace would have voted to get out that war right quick. I don’t know, I’m gonna have to give this a few more issues before I decide. One thing I will say of this book: there sure are a lot of titties.

Laura: Yeah, I feel like it might be too soon for the final word on this book. It’s certainly… different. Sure, there will be the calls of “too soon,” because it’s, you know, still happening. But nostalgia has been accelerating for a while now, and it was only a matter of time before it actually intersected with the present. And now, here we are.

Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser TP

Adan: Seven short stories set in the fictional city of Lankhmar, which Howard Chaykin calls a “slightly more fantastical Manhattan- or at least the city south of 14th Street, circa 1935.” Adapted from Fritz Leiber’s novels and short stories, Chaykin and Mike Mignola brought to comics two of the best fantasy characters ever: Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser. Two thieves roaming the world of Nehwon in search of adventure, women, and of course, money. If you like Conan, anything by Michael Moorcock, or hard-boiled crime fiction set in a fantasy world, you’ll not do better than this seminal work. And it’s a steal at $19.95. It even includes the beginning of Swords and Deviltry, a Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser novel that Dark Horse will be re-publishing in the near future. Pick this up; it’s fantastic.

Laura: I’ve seen a lot of people pick this up just because they saw Mike Mignola’s name on the cover. Whatever it takes to get you to pick this up is fine with me!

Ion #12

Laura: Wow, it’s moments like these when I feel pretty grateful that I don’t give a crap about Ion, because I don’t need to get upset about how freakin’ terrible an issue like this is. I’ll leave that to Adan. Adan?

Adan: Kyle stars in this extra special tale as he loses his mother to some crazy-ass sickness that no one seems to know what to do about. Man, I thought only Winick wrote the after-school specials. And that’s not the worst part, sitting through this melodramatic piece of garbage (of a series I was actively enjoying up until now); no, the worst part is that this twelfth part of a twelve-part series isn’t the end! Nothing gets explained at all. What does Grayven know? Why did Nero go all crazy? Why are the Monitors screwing with Kyle and Donna? What exactly did Kyle’s mom die from? None of these questions are answered. Instead, we’re told the story continues in the Green Lantern: Sinestro Corps Special that comes out sometime in the summer. Thanks for the heads up, DC. Jerks.

Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane #16

Adan: Ah, the second best shoujo book in the world is out again (the first being the recently retired Love Roma; go buy it, it’s only five volumes!) and I’m sqealing like a twelve-year old girl who just saw Hanson for the first time (or a much older man who just saw BKV for the first time). MJ and Harry are back together, Gwen just dumped Peter, but Firestar heats things up when she visits Spider-Man. Oh, so many cute girls who might like you Pete. I wish the girls in my high school liked the nerdy kids that much. While I am saddened by Takeshi Miyazawa’s absence, I am intrigued by the new art provided by David Hahn. It’s not Miyazawa, but it still looks pretty damn good.

Laura: Ah, the trials and travails of young love. Right when Gwen breaks up with Peter because she found out he was in love with MJ, MJ gets back together with Harry. Oh noes! Peter and MJ, you’re so star-crossed. Will you EVER get together?

Walking Dead #36

Adan: As I’ve previously stated, I don’t really like this book anymore. I’m all burned out on zombies and the human cast of this book is starting bore the hell out of me (except Michonne, who showed me some real interesting things about herself in issue #33). That said, this issue wasn’t that bad. Exactly how long does it take civilization to stop acting civil and start killing each other for any little reason? Woodbury showed us it can happen damn quick, and be institutionalized even. It’s taking the Walking Dead (Kirkman’s term, not mine) slightly longer, but with what Michonne did in issue #33, and what Rick does this issue (not telling), they’ll get there soon enough. On the upside, Glenn asks Maggie to marry him, and those are some hilarious panels that are mixed in with just enough schmaltz to not make me roll my eyes.

Laura: I’m not sick of Walking Dead, because it’s a consistently awesome title about people. People who happen to be surrounded by zombies. In this issue, Rick starts to feel himself fall a little further out of the fabric of their makeshift society, while Glenn and Maggie do their part to weave a tiny little piece of it together. My only complaint is not enough Michonne, but her deep, dark subplot is still simmering in the background, and I’m sure it’ll bubble to the surface soon enough.

X-Factor #17

Laura: X-Factor, you are the best X-book on the shelves. Actually, you just one of the best books on the shelves, and this most recent arc where Jamie sets out to collect his lost dupes has been a knockout. For anyone who ever wondered what, or who, they might have been if they’d simply gone down a different path, here’s a man who’s actually done that. He’s gone down all the paths at once, and now he’s trying to put the pieces back together to actually be one man who makes one world and then lives in it. Peter David, you so good.

Adan: There was a time when I just purchased every X-book, no matter what. That was my thing, I was the X-guy. I knew everything about the mutants: who was on what team at any given point, who was stuck in limbo, who was dead, and who was resurrected. I still know all those things, but now I don’t buy them all. I only buy like three of them, and X-Factor is the best one, bar none. Madrox is still off looking for his dupes, and each one he meets is a great character study. And not just the dupe, but Jamie-Prime too. With each new interesting dupe that Jamie meets, Jamie himself gets more and more interesting. But, this is a team book, so let’s talk about the rest of team: Monet and Syrin beat up the French police (as if that’s a difficult thing) and take a French orphan with them, which is sure to have absolutely no ill effect in the future, while Rictor and Rahne do something monumentally stupid that immediately brings trouble down on ice cream-eating Guido and Layla. And that’s the team. Oh yeah, and Quicksilver shows up too.

Y the Last Man #55

Adan: The best comic book crossover of all time happens in this book, ladies and gentlemen. I’m not even joking and I ask that all commenters not ruin this excellent bit for anybody else. Just don’t mention it. Let everybody find it for themselves. You will not be disappointed. Now that that’s out of the way, it’s another awesome issue of Y by the most handsome man in comics. Hero, Ciba, Natalya, and Other-Beth (with Beth Jr. and Baby Vlad in tow) are closing in on Beth the First, but so are the Israelis. Yorick and 355 are nearing Paris, all while Yorick has some kind of existential crisis about the feasibility of his continued relationship with Beth (the first one) while having another one of his creepy dreams. Look, it’s great and I already know you’re going to go get it, so why are you still reading this?

Laura: I’m actually glad to see Yorick questioning his relationship with Beth. As he mentions in the book, they’ve now actually been apart for longer than they were ever together, and if that didn’t at least give him some pause I’d worry about the guy. I’m still rooting for True Love to Overcome All, but I’m glad the question has at least been raised. It’s the final arc, and as things start to creep towards the inevitable end, things are bound to get crazy.

Plus, there’s a shout out for Preacher fans that is not to be missed. Not to be missed, I said! Get on board, people! It’s all over soon!