All Star Superman #6

Adan: This almost makes up for your crappy Batman run, Grant. Almost. We get awesome 853rd century Supermen that help Pa out with the harvest and we get Krypto too. Yeah, it’s sort of reused Grant material from the DC One Million super event a few years back, and that’s a little bit of a cop out, but the important part here is that Grant doesn’t suck. C’mon, a Chronovore? A Superman from the 5th Dimension? An unknown Superman? That’s crazy Grant hoodoo I can get behind!

Laura: Morrison finally hits a home run! Smallville gets a visit from a squad of future Supermen and a Chronovore, which etymology tells us means a time eater. And time is a pretty precious commodity when you’re Superman and you’re trying to save everyone constantly, when every single second is life or death. You may traffic with the angels, Clark, but you live on the Earth, and that means loving things that are very, very fragile. And the one thing you’ll never be able to save them from is time. Better hold on these moments while you can–and for the love of God, don’t feed them to the Chronovore.

Civil War #6

Laura: Well, thanks for finally gracing us with your presence, penultimate issue of Civil War. We’re so glad you could finally join us! This crossover should be over by now, and it’s not, and I’m the teensiest bit resentful of that. I’m not here to pump my fist in the air and tell you how the wait was so worth it, but I will say I enjoyed the stupid thing, despite all my misgivings. There are a couple pages that overlap with Punisher War Journal as Frank Castle joins up with Captain America because… well, because he’s Captain America, and lunatic or not, Frank Castle is a goddamn patriot. At which point we start the clock to see how long he can stick with the good guys before he crosses the line—hell, the man lives on the other side of the line, so probably not very long. Our rebellious heroes discover the location of the 42 Negative Zone Prison, and I’m pretty sure you know what comes next—all I’ll say is that there’s a BOOYEAH splash page waiting for at the end that all you Civil War fans are gonna love.

Adan: Meh. I’m not so excited. I think there’s some logistical problems with your BOOYEAH moment, but whatever. I’m not so sure the man is a “goddamn patriot,” but the Punisher does have his moments in this book (which are totally replayed in War Journal down below), but the real star of this issue is Captain America. He goes batshit crazy and beats up on Castle and then calls him insane. And then he proves his tactical genius against Iron Man. But again, meh. If it’s your thing, then do it to it. Me, I’m gonna go read Scalped.

Laura: Patriotism often has so very little to do with sanity. And the off-base characterization of Captain America was definitely my least favorite part of this book—this isn’t the Ultimate universe, Millar, and wishing doesn’t make it so.

Death Note v9

Adan: I’m actually rooting for Light Yagami and his Kira persona. Do you know why? Because Near and Mello are obnoxious little jerkoffs! They’re worse then L. ever was! I want Light to win just to shut those brats up. Okay, but enough about that. Let me tell you why this is still the best manga out there: while Light tries to get his dad to do something (shhh! no spoilers), he actually thinks, “At a time like this, it probably won’t be strange if I seem to panic.” That is some cold and calculating craziness! Light’s not gonna let a little thing like emotions get in the way of his master plan… Unless it’s supposed to. I’m behind you all the way, Kira.

Laura: If this is your first taste of Death Note, do yourself a favor and backtrack to Volume 1, because it’s not going to make much sense unless you do. There are a lot of “rules” and machinations and complicated plot threads already in progress, but it’ll just seem convoluted and boring because you don’t understand what’s going on. The life of honors student Light Yagami changes forever when he finds a “Death Note,” a supernatural notebook with the power to kill anyone whose name is written in its pages. Light immediately starts offing criminals by the boatload, dispensing his personal brand of justice to people he thinks deserve it, and occasionally just people who get in his way. He is known to the world at large as Kira (derived from the Japanese pronunciation of “killer.” No, really.), a force of tremendous good or evil, depending on whom you ask. Light embraces the Death Note (and his god complex) with both arms, but neither he nor the manga apologize for it. Amoral killer or savior of humanity? That’s for you to decide. There are occasional moments that don’t track and I’m not in love with the translation, but overall this is a great manga that raises interesting moral questions that are still rolling around in my brain days later. I don’t know if I’m behind you, Kira, but I’ll sure as hell keep reading you.

Fear Agent #10

Laura: Heath Huston is an alcoholic Texan, space cowboy, and alien exterminator extraordinaire. For a long time, he believed he was the last Fear Agent, but it turns out that’s not strictly true. Back on Earth for the first time since it was overrun by disgusting tentacle aliens, Heath encounters both new faces and old, and manages to alienate them all, as is his wont. Heath also finally gets his wish and reunites with his long-lost and oft-pined for love Char—but it comes with a catch, and it’s a doozy. You know that episode in the Simpsons where Bart replays the video frame by frame so he can pinpoint the precise moment when Ralph Wiggums’ heart breaks? There’s one panel that’s pretty much exactly like that. Fear Agent is usually relentless devil-may-care sci-fi action, which is slightly less relentless this issue, but you know, character development is good too.

Adan: I’ve never read this before, so I don’t know what a Fear Agent is, or why the Earth’s all fucked up. What I do know is that Heath Huston is a broken down man who needs large amounts of alcohol to cope with his life. I also know that I need to go back and read more of this because it looks and sounds pretty awesome.

Irredeemable Ant Man #4

Laura: Imagine, for a moment, that you have the powers of Ant-Man. What would you do with them? Would you shrink down and spy on hot women in the changing room? Make ants race each other for your amusement? Eric O’Grady would. And that’s why he’s so much fun to watch. Whether he’s stealing the Ant-Man armor or trying to bang his dead best friend’s girl on his dead best friend’s grave, O’Grady is an irredeemable asshole. If you’re tired of watching superheroes try to do The Right Thing all the time, he’s your man. He wouldn’t know The Right Thing To Do unless it either punched him in the face or tried to sleep with him.

Adan: See, this whole asshole angle was cool in the first and second issues because I thought he might still be a hero (like Guy), but it turns out Eric O’Grady’s just an asshole. He spies on women, he sleeps around, he dumps on the memory of his best friend every chance he gets, and, oh yeah, he’s a liar and a thief. At least one can’t say there was any false advertising here: this Ant-Man really is irredeemable. And that’s why I’m done with this book.

Midnighter #3

Adan: Let’s recap, shall we? The Midnighter has been sent back in time to kill Hitler before he becomes a genocidal maniac by an equally maniacal man, albeit less genocidal, during World War I, when Hitler was a corporal in the German army. Unfortunately for the Midnighter, the Temporal Police Department has shown up and is trying to keep the timeline intact. What’s a man with a mission to do? Kick the Temporal Police Department’s ass, of course. In true Midnighter fashion, he gets in not one, not two, but three different scrapes with these guys, and it’s pure fun just watching these guys get their asses handed to them by the Midnighter. Ah, fun.

Laura: The time police aren’t very happy with Midnighter, and they apprise him of this fact by trying to wipe the floor with him, and nearly succeeding. He faces off with their leader, Sergeant Bonnie, who turns out to be quite a firecracker, and even looks kind of like a real person rather than a swimsuit model with breasts the size of cantelopes. It’s really sad how notable that is, but anyway. The whole thing is over-the-top Ennis craziness, with people shooting tanks and talking shit, and it’s all pretty ridiculous, but not unamusing. Worth your $2.99? Only you can decide.

Punisher War Journal #2

Adan: Remember all that stuff I said up in Civil War #6? Just pretend I’m repeating down here because it’s the same goddman book! Except of course for the botched timeline. So does Frank have enough time to break into the Baxter Building after getting the black box suit from Clarke like it happens in the main book, or does he go straight to pissing off Cap and getting thrown off the team like in here? Who even cares? It’s like no one pays any goddamn attention to me when I say Marvel needs better editors.

Laura: Issue #1 of War Journal gets reprinted this week, and you should probably buy that instead, because it was awesome. Issue #2 falls off a little bit and cribs a bunch of pages from Civil War #6, but it’s still one of the better Civil War titles. Although at this point, that isn’t saying much.

Scalped #1

Adan: Well, yee-hah! Meet my new favorite Vertigo book! Every other word is a curse word and Dashiell Bad Horse is a bad motherfuckin’ hombre. This is the second book by Jason Aaron (the first being the Vietnam war book The Other Side, also on sale this week) and he’s continuing to prove his capability and awesomeness. There’s an ad in every Vertigo book with a quote by the Washington Examiner that says, “Vertigo Comics is by far the HBO of the comic-book [sic] world,” and they’re right. Jason Aaron is making sure of that with his tale of the politics and crime syndicate of the Prairie Rose Indian Reservation, and one man who’s come to fuck that shit up. Oh, I love you, Vertigo! I love you with all my itty, bitty heart.

Laura: The nice thing about being a Native American character is that you can have an awesome name like “Bad Horse” and it’s completely legit. And boy, does Dashiell Bad Horse want us to know just how bad he is. He sneers, he kicks ass, and I turn the pages disinterestedly until I get to the back cover. I have no love for you, Scalped. You’ve got a lot of posturing, potty mouth, and so far, not much else to recommend you. Yeah, Vertigo’s really good, so save your money for a book that makes you remember that. American Virgin #10 out today! Just saying.

Adan: American Virgin? You mean that pussy that can’t decide whether or not he actually loves God? Fuck that guy. At least Dash has no qualms about what he’s doing and why he’s doing it (that I can tell; it is only the first issue, after all).

Laura: Yeah, because heaven forbid someone question his beliefs, or how he’s been taught to think. Guys like Light Yagami, though, they’re all right with you? You have a really weird system of values. Also, come back and talk to me after you’ve read Head, which I know you haven’t.

Adan: Oh, I read it, and it still sucks. This idiot kid reminds me of every hypocritical jackass on television telling me how to love God and then doing a line of coke off a transsexual hooker’s cock when the cameras are off. Fuck you Adam Chamberlain, and fuck your retarded story about giving up on God because you think His plan no longer makes sense.

…but how about that Becky Cloonan, hey? She’s a hottie.