AG Super Erotic Anthology #50

Laura: Mom, Dad—I love you guys. And I totally appreciate how you read this column every week, even though you have no idea what I’m talking about. Unfortunately, I’m gonna have to ask you to sit this one out. Seriously, stop reading now. Trust me, this is for your own good.

Adan: Comics come in all shapes and sizes, in all genres and for all age groups. This one is strictly for the over 18 crowd, so little boys and girls, go find your parents and tell them I specifically told you not to read this review (which is all about colossal cock and soaking snatch, by the way). I’m not a Puritan or anything and I’ve seen a lot of porn (I used to write copy for Penthouse Video which featured nothing but naked women sucking and fucking, so don’t judge), but my personal line is drawn well before rape and incest porn, which is what most of this book is. I guess that does it for some people (including most of the Japanese since this is usually what Japanese porn looks like… seriously, don’t judge), but it doesn’t do it for me (don’t worry about what does, you don’t need to know). However, this book makes no pretensions as to what it is, like Tarot and Lady Death do. This book is all about nipple nabbing and pussy pounding all the time, sometimes with your sexy sister and sometimes against your will (sort of), and it won’t pretend it’s not. I can at least respect the creators for that much.

Laura: I am aware that you are a porn professional, Adan, and that your sensibilities have grown cold and hard (no pun intended) through countless viewings of every sexual configuration and fetish the adult video industry has to offer. I, for one, thought that the internet in all its glorious deviance had prepared me for the AG Super Erotic Anthology. I was wrong.

The first story is about two students who realize that their meaningless sexual relationship has blossomed into love, and they christen this revelation by having graphic sex on a rooftop. Somehow this turns her into a prefectural governor. Yeah, I don’t know either. Regardless, it’s by far the high point of the book, and kinda sweet in the sense that it involves consensual sex between two people who are not related, and a woman that is treated mostly like a person. You’re not going to get much more of that. Here’s how the rest of the book breaks down: violent rape and degradation, degradation, and then straight up incest with a girl so young it is probably statutory rape. I know that it takes diff’rent strokes to move the world and all that, but come on–this isn’t just offensive, it’s extremely unsexy, and also boring. If your standards for eroticism are this low and banal, I feel sorry for you and everyone you sleep with. In a world where there is so very, very much porn to choose from, you choose the AG Super Erotic Anthology? Hey, whatever. I’ll just be over here, reading Lost Girls and silently judging you.

American Virgin #11

Laura: I’m not sure I believe Adam Chamberlain anymore, when he talks about his deep and unwavering religious convictions. But then, I’m not sure he believes himself either. It’s hard to deal with a crisis of faith when you’re a high profile evangelical, and not even 21. The third arc begins with Adam clinging to his faith on a surface level, while also mentally undressing girls at the beach and attending Eyes Wide Shut-style orgies. The orgy is totally ok though, because he’s really only there to discover God’s plan. (I’m sure it all made sense at the time.) I know he’s just trying to keep it together in the public eye while falling apart in private, and I feel bad for the kid. Still, he’s gotta pick a side eventually. Either he rejects his doubts and temptations, or he stops preaching black and white morality to the rest of the world. And unless you want to end up like Ted Haggard someday, I suggest you get off your high horse and come on down to world of imperfection and complexity where the rest of us live.

On a final note, what is up with the cover? Why is he wearing eyeliner? When you think God doesn’t love you anymore, I guess that means it’s time go emo. All he needs to complete the picture are some beat-up Chuck Taylors, and tears. I can practically hear Bright Eyes playing in the background.

Adan: I still hate this book. Mostly because Adam is still a hypocritical ass, but at least he’s receiving visions from his dead girlfriend, so there’s that. However, he also blackmailed his stepdad into going to see Cyndi at the hospital. And before that he said, “My faith in our Lord has not wavered one bit.” What complete and utter bullshit. God, I hate this book. That said, I can step back and see that my hatred for this book comes not because the book is badly written or badly drawn (in fact, Becky Cloonan draws awesomely), but because Adam Chamberlain is a hypocritical ass and I cannot abide hypocritical asses. So, I’m sorry Steven T. Seagle and Becky Cloonan, but your main character makes me hate your book a lot.

Ex Machina #26

Adan: This is the start of the Blackout arc and I’m all a-twitter for it. It’s gonna be great reliving the eight mile walk from Midtown Manhattan all the way to my house in Queens in the middle of the night and then coming to a house with no A/C. But seriously folks, BKV is still the most handsome man in comics and he still knows how to write good books (I think he’s the only writer whom I have unconditionally loved; even Grant Morrison and Alan Moore have written some awful things, but not BKV). Mayor Hundred talks about the hole that is still the World Trade Center, he talks to his mom, Kremlin and January talk some more about fucking up Hizonner’s plans, and some dude in a deep-diving suit shows up to commit some mayhem. Just read it, it’s great. Also, does anybody have BKV’s phone number? I wanted to call him up, you know, just to chat. Maybe he wants to get a drink with me, or a quick bite to eat. You know, whatever.

Laura: Although BKV is admittedly one up on all the other bald white men in the industry, he is hardly the sexiest man in comics. I’m not going to name any names, I’m just saying.

There’s a lot of pseudo-realism in this issue, as we explore 9/11, the Twin Towers redesign, and the NYC blackout of 2003, all delightfully twisted by the Ex Machina universe. Things are getting more complicated for Mayor Hundred; he pays a long overdue visit to his momma under the pretense of meeting a lady friend, and assures a cautious Rick that he can “trust this girl.” But can he? Seems that mommie dearest has been spending an awful lot of time with Kremlin, who is currently in league with January to subvert Hundred’s administration. Ooh, the intrigue. Also, a crazy scuba man emerges from the deep, shooting lightning from his crazy scuba suit. All this, and more.

Hellboy Animated: The Black Wedding

Adan: Well, it’s not as good as a real Hellboy yarn (and it’s also not in continuity), but I guess it’ll do in a pinch. Mike Mignola doesn’t even get credited for anything except for creating the characters (although Tad Stones does mention him in his introduction a lot). It’s just light, fluffy fun. It won’t win any awards, but neither will it burn out your eyes. Just turn your brain off for a little while and enjoy the Hellboy-flavored candy that you know you deserve. And watch the animated movie, too. I hear it’s pretty good.

Laura: The animated movie apparently integrates a story from the real Hellboy comic called “Heads,” which Hellboy fans tell me is just awesome. I haven’t seen it yet, but I hear good things. This comic is… well, it’s a lot like the Gargoyles comic, but with Hellboy. The short story at the end about Li’l Hellboy emulating his TV hero Lobster Johnson is pretty endearing, but overall it’s exactly what you’d expect from a comic book version of a cartoon–no more and no less.

The Phantom Annual #1

Adan: I’ve never read any Phantom before, but this was pretty good. It’s just some down home pulpy goodness in which five different Ghosts Who Walk take on a quest that will span four centuries. There are five pieces of a jade dragon which legend tells will unleash the power and fury of a real dragon that was captured and imprisoned in antiquity, and the Phantom cannot allow the Singh Brotherhood to acquire any of the pieces. The five Phantoms tell each of their part of the story in their journals (for posterity’s sake, one assumes), but each entry doesn’t feel like a different voice. The five Phantoms certainly act differently in their part of the story, they just seem to write exactly the same. Oh well, it’s still good pulp. Check it out if you just want some simple adventure tales.

Laura: The cool part about this book is that there aren’t just five different stories for five different Phantoms–there are actually five different creative teams as well. Each tale and time period has a distinct look and feel, and it’s all delightfully pulpy and swashbuckling. This book makes me wish I were ten years old, reading it under the sheets by flashlight after my bedtime.

Teen Titans #43

Adan: Why is it that when a team faces a grave new threat, they’re always separated? All the kids are doing their own things when Deathstroke’s new Titans East team attacks them: Robin, Wonder Girl, and Raven are in the Robin-Cave (where he was trying to clone Superboy) in Frisco, Kid Devil’s at a church in Los Feliz, California, Cyborg and Miss Martian are in Louisiana at Belle Reve talking to Bombshell, and Jericho and Ravager are in New York visiting Nightwing. So of course the bad guys attack. C’mon Titans, it’s like painting four to seven bullseyes on yourselves whenever you split up. But I’m still very much interested in most of the Titans East kids’ backstories. Except for that Kid Crusader guy. Hey, buddy, aren’t you supposed to be taking over for the Confessor in Astro City?

Laura: The theme of this issue is family–getting it, having it, and losing it. Jericho and Ravager finally have it, but Deathstroke wants it back, and he’s going to take it away from everyone else. Also, the first page introduces Robin as Tim Drake, “protoge to Batman.” No accent aigu either. For Christ’s sake, is spell-check really that hard? There’s no electrical shock connected to the F7 key, I swear.

Ultimate Civil War: Spider-Ham (featuring Wolverham) #1

Laura: I had a good feeling about this book from the moment I saw the be-pigged Marvel characters crowding around a blood-soaked dollar sign on the cover. Within the first few pages, Spider-Ham bemoans the demise of thought balloons, and starts breaking the fourth wall to collect his own caption boxes right off the page. With the help of Dr. Strange, he travels to strange and different universes in search of thought balloons–or really, just to show us hilarious pig-versions of various Marvel characters, which is fine by me. The book as a whole doesn’t totally live up the promise of the first few pages, and it’s kind of one-note… but hey, it’s a pretty good note.

Adan: Not as funny as the Wha Huh!? special awhile back, nor as funny as the whole Civil War nonsense unintentionally is currently, but still somewhat funny. The spiel here is that Spider-Ham needs to find his thought balloons because he’s tired of caption boxes (come to think of it, so am I). And so he has to travel through the multiverse assuming new, pork-related guises for single pages (sometimes less) in order to find them. My favorites of the bunch: Green Ham (and Eggs) and Aunt Ham (yes, I spelled that correctly). However, I don’t think it’s worth the… oh wait, it’s actually only $2.99. That’s surprising. Fuck it, go out and get it. What else are you buying this week anyway?

Walking Dead #34

Adan: This issue was alright. Nothing special. Kirkman just can’t seem to wow me on this book unless he is torturing some bastard. This book continues to be just another ho-hum, lackluster zombie book (except for the few times when it says something insightful about the human condition, like last issue). I know it’s supposedly the greatest thing since sliced zombie bread (made with real brains), but I just can’t bring myself to care (by the way, yes it is weird to praise Kirkman for the complete awesomeness that is Invincible one week, and then saying he bores me on Walking Dead the very next week).

Laura: If nobody’s spooning eyes out of sockets, you’re just not happy, are you? Also: you’re wrong. This is far more than just another zombie book, and although its excellence has ebbed and flowed at moments, it’s still goddamn great. I don’t particularly like horror, in any medium, and I don’t really care about zombies. But I care about Rick and Glenn and Michonne and the lives they are trying to eke out in this living hell, and I give huge props to Kirkman for the terrifying, touching story he has given us about what it means to be human in the face of overwhelming inhumanity. Don’t tell anyone, but I think you might be my favorite, Kirkman. And hearts semi-colon.

And Others…

Adan: I really wanted to do Snakewoman this week, but it turns out Laura now has this cushy job with Virgin Comics and it’d be a conflict of interest for her to remark upon the books from her new company. You goddamn sellout! What happened to integrity!? What happened to honor!? What happened to saying what needed to be said, damn the Man!? Now, now you are the Man. I thought I knew you… …That said, if Marvel calls up offering me a job, then Civil War is the best comic ever, and Reginald Hudlin’s Black Panther is sheer bloody genius. A tour de force, one might be persuaded to say, if said persuasion came with benefits and a hefty pay raise.

Laura: If my (PART-TIME) job is so cushy, how come I still can’t afford premium brands of cereal? God, I’m so sick of Tasteeos. Also, I think the whole point of not reviewing comics by companies that pay me is to preserve my integrity. Plus, nothing is stopping you from talking about those titles. I know that I am your personal lighthouse, guiding you through the rocky shoals of comic book reviews, but I truly believe you can do this on your own. Let me know if you need me to hold your hand. I’m there for you, bro.

Adan: If by guiding light and holding my hand, you mean shooting me in the goddamn back, then yes, yes you do.

Laura: My likes include long walks on the beach and shooting into melee. You’ve always known that about me.