Listen up, kids. If you care, read your comics BEFORE you read the column this week. We spoil the hell out of the very crappy Civil War: The Return and the quite excellent Invincible, as well as Silent War and Wolverine, although not as much. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

100 Bullets #80

Adan: This book is harder to understand than a Chinese man with a Scottish accent speaking broken Spanish. And yet, I keep reading it, because while I may not be entirely sure what it’s trying to say, I’m enjoying the hell out of watching it say it. Risso’s art is, as always, top notch, which is part of the reason why this book is still fun even though I don’t really know what’s going on. But the real fun, at least for me, is trying to figure out what is going on. Azzarello’s sparse dialogue and wonderful use of visual metaphors, as well as his sing-song attitude towards scene changes just sparks the English major in me in a big way and I just want to dissect the piece until I figure out what’s making it tick. I’m still dissecting, and I assume that I’ll keep on dissecting until the end of the series, and even then, I may have to dissect a little more.

Laura: I’ve only read the first trade, a problem I plan to rectify as soon as someone lends me the rest, but as it stands I’m not really qualified to comment on 100 Bullets. This is a complicated and layered book that relies heavily on your knowledge of previous issues, which I do not have. Trying to make sense of this single out of sequence was almost as stupid as the time I picked up Seven Soldiers for the very first time on its very last issue.

Adan: You didn’t even read this, did you? All this “I’m not qualified” nonsense is merely a smokescreen for your Tuesday night debaucheries, isn’t it?

Laura: I totally read it! Off the top of my head: Diz got kidnapped, and one guy compared anal sex to kryptonite, which is probably the detail that stuck with me most vividly. And for your information, I stayed in Tuesday night and did not debauch anything.

Civil War: The Return

Laura: I’m about to tell you who returns, so if you don’t want this spoiled, then avert your eyes! Also, remember to avert them from the cover as you buy it, since that pretty much spoils it too. Here’s the big reveal: Captain Mar-Vell is back from the dead… but not really! And he’s pro-reg. Also, Sentry is pro-reg. Which you already knew. Now you have effectively read this book, so please do not buy it. Buying worthless Civil War titles only encourages more bullshit—kind of like feeding seagulls at the beach. Do not feed the animals, or else the next time Marvel is crapping all over you with another sprawling, pointless crossover event, know that you brought it upon yourself.

Adan: An apropos metaphor. Frankly, this book does suck. Why did Marvel think this was a good idea, bringing back Captain Mar-Vell? I guess after Bucky and Uncle Ben, it was open fucking season, huh? Also, those publishing rights must’ve been about to run out too. He’s the warden of the Negative Zone prison? Does that make sense to anybody in the world? And that stupid Sentry story where he decides he’s pro-registration for like the third time: what’s the deal with killing off the Absorbing Man and then telling me he’ll be back in the SAME GODDAMN PANEL!? I guess now I can’t complain when characters come back from the dead because you’ve told me they will. Oh wait, yes I can.

Invincible #38

Adan: When I first started reading Invincible, there were only three trades out. I read them all super fast, and then patiently waited for the next trade. Unfortunately, I totally forgot to keep reading this book, so I didn’t read anything again until this weekend. Laura said she wanted to do this book, and I hemmed and I hawwed because I really didn’t want to have to read all the trades that had cropped up in the interim in order to catch up. In fact, I almost decided just to read this issue and pretend I knew what I was talking about. But I bit the bullet and read all the trades and the two issues before this one not currently in trade (I even read the Official Handbook). And am I super happy that I did. The emotional body blow of Mark kissing Atom Eve on the last page would have totally been lost on me. I probably would have just called him a cheating whore and made some kind of flippant comment about what a dick Mark is for doing that to Amber and blah, blah, blah. The reality is that… well, the reality is that Mark did fuck up and will have to deal with that, but is Amber really the right girl for him? Eve can take care of herself and she understands the superhero life in a way Amber never will. But Mark will have to choose, and very, very soon. He also better tell Amber regardless of what he chooses because it’s the right thing to do.

…Also, I’m a huge girl.

In an effort to re-establish the testosterone in my body, let me also mention that Rus Livingston, the NASA astronaut left on Mars, is heading towards Earth as the host for the Sequids and that Allen the Alien is back, and stronger than ever. Both of these things make for awesome future stories as only Kirkman can tell them.

And since I’ve already written a book here, let me also say that Robert Kirkman’s writing on this book is phenomenal. He juggles all his subplots effortlessly and lets them simmer just long enough in the background before bringing them to the forefront as full-fledged plots. And even when very little happens, it feels like everything is happening, but in a good way. I’ve not felt overwhelmed while reading this book because I could forget about subplots until I was subtly reminded. The Sequids thing? Totally forgotten (even though I just read the trades), but when Rus showed up again, I was “Oh yeah” and then Kirkman moved on, and I moved on with him.

Look, this book is awesome, and if you’re not reading it, then something is wrong with you, like it was wrong with me until just very recently.

Laura: Invincible professes to be “probably the best superhero book in the universe.” It is a bold claim indeed, but after reading through the entire run in the last several hours, I think there’s a pretty strong case for it. Top-notch art, careful, intelligent plotting and a fun factor through the roof conspire to make this a book that should be on everyone’s top ten. I don’t just like Kirkman as a writer, I trust him. I give myself over to his stories wholly and utterly, because he has earned it, and because he makes it so much goddamn fun to suspend your disbelief. And the good news is, it’s only getting better.

I was not actually planning to spoil the Eve-smooching finale, but since that ship has sailed, here’s what I think: Good for you, Mark Grayson. This was a very, very smart move, assuming you don’t screw it up next issue by waffling back and forth until they *both* hate you. I’m sure you care about Amber and that your relationship has been very meaningful, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be 2getha 4eva. Let’s be honest: you probably won’t, because the sad fact is that although you may love her, love isn’t always enough. You don’t live in the same world, you don’t have enough in common, and she’s never going to be able to relate to you or share your life the way Eve can. Eve is sweet, smart, smokin’ hot, and a superhero, just like you—and that’s worth turning your world upside-down for.

Why? Because life is very short, windows of opportunity can close, and you’ve got to take chances while you can. Think you know a girl who could be The One? Go after her, or regret it forever. Remember: someday you will be dead. And then you will not get to ask that girl out, because your only date for the rest of eternity will be with the cold embrace of the graaave.

Adan:: Yeah, we should all be hedonistic whores out for ourselves while we can still screw over other people. …Okay, that was harsh, but that’s what you sounded like. The problem is not that Eve might be The One, it’s that both Eve and Amber might be The One, and he has to choose between them (personally, I wished he’d chosen before cheating on his current girlfriend) and the choosing of one over the other means he will close one door, destroy one opportunity in favor of another. The One could be left on the side, never to be encountered again, all because you rushed a very important decision because “life is very short.”

Laura: I’ve seen virtually no evidence that Amber is The One–a charming first love to be sure, but not a lifelong partner. And my point is not that you should act like a huge whore because you’re impulsive and horny; it’s that you shouldn’t be afraid to take risks and go after what you want, even when it’s complicated and inconvenient. Yes, it would have been better to break up with Amber before he kissed Eve, but since when are the beginnings and ends of relationships perfectly neat and clean? The real test of his moral center is not what he did, but what he does next.

Adan: I’ve seen virtually no evidence that Eve is The One–a fellow superhero who no doubt can relate to many things that Mark is going through, but this does not The One make. Rex Splode and Dupli Kate can relate to Mark too, but they aren’t even in contention for The One. And why does Mark all of a sudden want Eve? He wasn’t even thinking about her in a romantic way (with the exception of his first crush way back when) until he found out from future Eve that she loved him. My point is that he doesn’t know what he wants, and therefore can’t “go after” either of them (although, again, he shouldn’t be “going after” anybody what with having a girlfriend already). And it’s not that relationships should be neat and clean, but they should definitely be honest. If in the next two issues (barring any unforseen global atack) Mark doesn’t tell Amber about this kiss, regardless of what he’s feeling for who (actually, he should probably tell he’s conflicted too), I’m going to have to not like him anymore. This will undoubtedly cause problems, and may even end their relationship, but at least he’s being honest.

Moon Knight #7

Adan: Okay, Marvel, sit down. That’s right, sit your collective ass down. Avi Arad can’t tell you what to do anymore. If you want to make a book a MAX book, you can. Any book. If you want the Power Pack to grow up to be a bunch of crack addicts who suck cock for rock, you can (wow, I think I scared myself just a little bit there). It’s okay. You don’t have to pretend to be an all-ages book when you so obviously aren’t. Wait, you’re not pretending this is an all-ages book? Then why is there no parental advisory tag on the cover of the book to let parents know that this super-hero book which ties into your super-mega ultra super-hero crossover event has a man running around with a skinned face and a scene in which some mystery man keeps grabbing some mystery woman’s ass and talking about how he totally would have done her right if he still had a working penis? Oh, and all those little asterisks? We know what they mean. We know what you really wanted to say there. You thought it was clever and gets around the R rating, or whatever? Well then, Marvel, **** you.

Laura: Whoever wrote the introduction recapping the book needs to invest in a grammar checker. Sure, sentence fragments have their place, and in the right hands they can be effective stylistic tools. Unfortunately, these were not the right hands. Also, I’m not interested in moralizing about the content, although the fairly extreme sexual harassment by the decomposing guy (and the woman’s indifferent “oh, you” response) didn’t exactly win me over. What’s more important is that despite the gory faces and creepy grab-assing and foul language, it still manages to be boring. Next.

Mouse Guard #6

Laura: Before I tell you how good the sixth and final issue of Mouse Guard was—and it was very good indeed—I’m afraid I have to nitpick first. Because I am a pedant, and the word “their” was misspelled not once, but twice within the first two pages. How many people involved in the production of this book failed to notice that the third word of dialogue was spelled “thier”? Jesus. Fix it in the trade, ok? Moving on…

The siege of Lockhaven begins, with the noble Guardmice risking all to hold off the invading forces of Midnight’s militia. Yes, the characters have a cuteness factor somewhere between Snuggle Bear and fuzzy wuzzy baby bunnies, but that doesn’t stop them from stabbing each other in the head with daggers. There’s a dramatic confrontation as the true Black Axe faces down the pretender that has assumed his mantle, with the fate of the Lockhaven and the Mouse Guard hanging in the balance. As a finale, this does not disappoint, and my one and only regret about this book is that it’s over now. I suppose I will have to console myself with the upcoming line of toys, which have a roughly 90% chance of adorable.

Adan: Alright, I noticed the first misspelled “their,” but where is the second? A re you talking about the line “There is a way into Lockhaven…,” because that’s correct grammar. Well, regardless, this final issue is, in fact, super awesome. Just for a second forget they’re tiny little mice. Forget they’re soft and cuddly. Picture Roman centurions, Celtic barbarians, or Norse vikings instead because that’s what these little bastards really are. The faux Black Axe is leading a horde of rebel mice against Lockhaven in an attempted coup. And the elite Mouse Guard are the only ones who stand in “thier” way. Well, them and a bunch of bees. Bees are awesome. Like a Dungeons & Dragons character of mine recently found out, they will sting you until either you or they die. Bees don’t fuck around. They’re balls nasty.

Laura: I see that Adan did not read the introduction on the interior cover, where the initial spelling transgression lies. Do you need a copy editor, Archaia? Seriously, I’ll help. Usually spelling and grammar mistakes make me angry, but these are so obvious that I just kinda feel sorry for you.

Ninja Tales

Laura: In the fine tradition of Cthulu Tales and Zombie Tales, BOOM brings us Ninja Tales, an anthology of stories about everyone’s favorite Japanese assassins. There are the rote, but entertaining tales of espionage and stealth in the feudal era, but also more irreverent fare, like one story where an ass-kicking Einstein catches ninja swords between his hands, and another that sees a geriatric ninja and samurai sparring from their wheelchairs in a hospital. The highlight, for me, is “Ninja School Dropout,” a snarky but extremely likeable story set in a high school for aspiring ninja, where students are prone to scrawling graffiti like “SAMURAIS SUCK” on the walls. Our protagonist, the son of a famous ninja, isn’t exactly gung-ho about his awesome heritage, and treats his classes with the same lackadaisical disinterest of high school students everywhere. Between the disappointed sighs of school administrators and a deadly rivalry with Samurai High, our protagonist would really rather be a painter. And I would really rather see this as an ongoing title—surely Henry Alonzo Myers has more stories to tell at the Ninja School for Boys, and I, for one, would love to read them.

Adan: This thing is really good. There are serious stories, there are not so serious stories, and there are flat out hilarious stories. “Desert Sun” (which features Einstein as an asskicker) and “Special Needs Ninjas!” are by far the best of the bunch. After a ninja is surprised that an old man can take him on, Einstein replies “You think I could unravel the secrets of the universe through science only?!” and then “Your ninja parlor tricks are no match for German alchemy and Egyptian xeno-math!!!” That’s right ninja, he’s going to e=mc^2 all over your ass! And the “Special Needs Ninjas!” is just hilarious. An old samurai and an old ninja trying to settle a centuries long feud in a retirement home. They get the nurses to help them roll their wheelchairs around and swing their blades at each other. Those two stories are worth the price of admission alone, but you also get a cool assassination tale as the first story and Laura’s beloved “Ninja School Dropout,” as well as two other stories that aren’t as good, but they can’t all be gems.

Silent War #1

Adan: Remember way back when, when I told you how much I loved Frazer Irving’s art (it was in a review of Seven Soldiers: Klarion that seems to not be on the site anymore)? I still do. It’s fucking fantastic (he also does Robin this week, since Klarion’s guest-starring there and all). His Inhumans are the best I’ve ever seen, especially Gorgon and Medusa, apologies to all previous Inhuman artists. You guys don’t suck; you’re just not this good. I’m also excited to see the Inhumans’ declaration of war at the end of Son of M followed up. I was certain Marvel had totally forgotten about it, what with their Civil War nonsense flaring up around them (although Hudlin did mention it in his horrible Black Panther, so, props for that, I guess). The Inhumans, who were wronged by the United States when the O*N*E took the Terrigen Mists from them in Genosha after Quicksilver stole them, decide to stage a terrorist attack in the middle of New York City. Granted, it wasn’t supposed to end with dead bodies, but you know what they say about making omelettes. They say you gotta yank the heads off some Hollywood types, that’s what.

Laura: I suppose it was inevitable that there be a reckoning for the whole “stealing the Inhumans’ sacred superpowed mist” incident, and here it is. The art is attractive, but the story doesn’t move me. Is it wrong that I don’t really care? Because I don’t really care. And if I wasn’t completely sure of that, the impractical and frankly ridiculous ending sealed the deal. Next.

Adan: Out of curiousity, what about the ending was impractical and ridiculous? I think I know what you’re talking about, but I want to make sure.

Laura: I was talking about the whole “let’s reexpose an Inhuman to superpower-endowing Terrigen Mists–just to see what happens–with no apparent security measures in place” thing. What could possibly go wrong?

Wolverine #50

Adan: Sigh. A very long and exasparated sigh. Why do I care about Wolverine and Sabretooth’s umpteenth fight to the death to end all fights to the death? Tell me, Jeph Loeb. Write me a letter or something, because you certainly didn’t show me in the book when I was reading it. I hope your little line about how Wolverine will become Sabretooth no matter what wasn’t meant to be taken literally, because that would just suck all kinds of balls. And I think you’re smart enough to know that, so here’s hoping. Even Simone Bianchi’s art, which I normally love, is subpar here. That ‘mutiple images’ thing he does when Wolverine jumps out the window kind of hurt me in my heart, as if Bianchi had done specifically to hurt me, but that’s obviously crazy talk… right? And the black and white version looks even worse, for some reason. It’s as if the coloring was actually hiding bad art instead of enhancing good art.

The one shining bit about this book is the short story in the back remixing Wolverine’s first battle with the Hulk, with Ed McGuinness on art. It’s really funny to see the Wolverine of today reminisce about the costume and dialogue of the Wolverine back then. Although, why is the Wolverine of today talking like he isn’t Canadian? Twice he says something along the lines of “Damn Canadians” like he isn’t one of them. What’s up with that?

Laura: Are you ready? I said, are you ready? Because this is it! It’s the Wolverine vs. Sabretooth fight to end all Wolverine vs. Sabretooth fights! Again! Sigh. It’s inherently ridiculous at this point, kinda like the game Final Fight 3–because if it were really so goddamn “final” we wouldn’t be doing it again, now would we?

Wolverine comes calling at the X-Mansion, where Sabretooth is now cozily housed, and throws him through a window. And it’s on! They yell the obligatory death threats, and announce that it’s finally “time to finish it.” Really! For really real! If by “finish” they mean repeat the same redundant and not particularly exciting fight they’ve been having for years, then yeah–they kinda do that. The only new twist is that suddenly Creed is a Latin scholar, and Loeb has decided to start cribbing from Ultimate X-Men for his Dramatic Plot Twists. If you really want to see the fight you’ve been waiting for, skip to the back of the book for the Ultimate Hulk vs. Wolverine story that wasn’t, remixed via a dream sequence with Wolverine’s first appearance. Otherwise, pray to your chosen deity that this whole quod sum eris thing is just a sorta lame metaphor, and not a really, really lame editorial decision.

And Others…

Adan: If you’re still in the mood for an anthology book after reading Ninja Tales, then check out Image’s Low Orbit Anthology. All the artists in this book of sci-fi and fantasy shorts are phenomenal, and most of the stories aren’t half bad either. Personally, I enjoyed “Little Medusa’s Big Day Out” the most.