Big-ass spoilers for every single book we review this week, including 52 down in the And Others… section. You have been warned. –Adan

Amazing Spider-Man #538

Adan: So, the big, huge event that’s supposed make Peter start wearing the black duds again is his dear old aunt getting shot in the midsection. I’m not saying watching your aunt get shot in the stomach is not a traumatic experience. And not just a regular aunt either, an aunt that raised you and was more like a mother to you than anything else. I’m not saying that. What I am saying is that I would have cared more than I currently do (which is not at all) if a) this story hadn’t been dragged out forever, and b) if Aunt May hadn’t already died once before. C’mon, you remember. Amazing Spider-Man #400. She dies a peaceful death in a hospital bed. Everyone cried. Now, only 138 issues later, she dies again. Well, not really. Sure she has a gut wound, but she’s not dead yet. All this fucking hooplah, and Marvel couldn’t even kill the woman off. Goddamn hype.

Laura: I would feel bad about the reveal here, except that it’s actually on one of the variant covers. Last week’s issue of Sensational Spider-Man also featured Peter pulling out a picture of Aunt May and self-flagellating over how he let her down, so color me unsurprised. We segue through various images of the war, and Peter starts waxing poetic about the Deep Meaning behind it all: “Why is it then, that our dreams of peace, our aspiration to love, to better understand one another, so rarely make the same leap? I don’t know… I don’t know…” You’re no Wilfred Owen, Peter Parker. And yeah, Aunt May dies (maybe), but I’m so far past caring about any of it.

Brave and the Bold #1

Adan: Hurm… I’m not sure what to make of this. I mean, it’s obviously a straight-up team-up story and very Silver Age-y, complete with George Perez art and way too much dialogue, courtesy of Mark Waid. But, strangely enough, I found myself enjoying it, even though I hate the fact that Batman and Hal are all buddy-buddy nowadays. I can’t for the life of me explain why I enjoyed this book. I guess the plot’s really just that goofy and fun. The same man is murdered sixty-four times, aliens attack, Las Vegas is visited, and Batman tells Hal that they need to swap opponents. Like I said, goofy and fun.

Laura: I can’t for the life of me explain why Adan liked this book, either. Batman and Hal Jordan go to Las Vegas, and fight stuff. That’s about it.

Civil War #7

Laura: Saying that this book was a letdown would imply that I had some sort of positive expectations for it. I did not. I anticipated little more than retro-fitted splash pages and general mediocrity, and yet it still managed to disappoint me far, far more than expected.

This is really bad.

The dialogue is weak, cookie-cutter bullshit, which at its best feels ill-suited to the tone of the book, and at its worst seems immature and utterly lazy. How else to characterize Reed Richards describing Spider-Man as “Amazing!” and Spider-Man subsequently describing himself as “Spectacular!”

The coup de grace is so full of crap that I don’t even think it merits a detailed analysis; there are lots of reasons to dislike it, so you can pick whichever one you want. The image of Cap, tears streaming down his face, eyes bulging unnaturally like a man exposed to the vacuum of deep space as he negates the entire point of this whole stupid crossover, will stick with me for quite some time. Congratulations, Marvel: you managed to make me hate Captain America, and I did not think that was possible.

But I don’t feel bad for myself, I feel bad for everyone who actually gave a crap about this series, the people who waited through the delays and kept the faith thinking that the end of the tunnel, Millar and McNiven were going to come through in the end with some fireworks. Sorry, guys, but this particular 4th of July just got rained out, and it’s time to go home.

Adan: Yeah, Laura covers most of the godawful bullshit this comic spews, but here’s a couple more things. After Cap gets taken down by a collection of New York’s bravest, finest, and… uhhh… EMT-est (which to me, says that Millar has a rather low opinion of the general Marvel populace; is Marvel’s American public really that naive and stupid so as to welcome an Orwellian state with open arms?), he says Captain America isn’t being arrested, Steve Rogers is. “That’s a very different thing,” he says. Psst, Cap: you’re the same guy and everybody knows it.

And then, in the little aftermath section, where Reed writes his love letter to Sue, he details everything that’s been happening since pro-Registration forces won. Conspicuously absent from this report are the United State’s responses to both Wakanda and Atlantis’ declarations of war agains the US. Both countries’ monarchs, the Black Panther and Namor respectively, knowingly and enthusiastically aided and abetted known American criminals against proper government authorities. Secret War taught us that whenever a foreign country aids American criminals, it’s called terrorism. But I can guarantee that Marvel’s version of the United States will not declare war on either Atlantis or Wakanda because Marvel’s version of the United States is stupid. Marvel’s American public does welcome Orwellian states, after all.

This series blew, and I’m fucking glad it’s over. Now I have a ton of post-Civil War crap to look forward to.

Local #8

Laura: Megan is 26 years old. She works as a waitress at diner, fucks the wrong guys, and then lies awake at night in a cramped, dirty room wondering if this it—if this is really her life now. If this is really who she is, now. There’s one page, one moment, where Megan walks home the morning after, trudging forward, hair in her face, past all the stripped branches and wrought-iron fences, and you can see it: is this is it? What do you when you don’t know how to live with your life, or what it makes you? You run. And Megan runs too.

This book feels like real life. It’s awkward and beautiful and difficult and I love it.

Adan: Wait, wasn’t the whole point of this that she wasn’t fucking the wrong guy? And she doesn’t run; at least not for very long. She tries dating that rich guy and realizes she’s in love with her broke, cramped, dirty apartment-living boyfriend. I think that’s the point here (I’m not sure Laura actually finished this book). “I just need honest and passionate and sweet and grounded. A genuine person, a real human being. Someone who’ll love me back,” she says as she runs back into the arms of her boyfriend. And while this book is awkward and beautiful, I’m not sold on the real life angle. Maybe I’ve just had very different life experiences, but this doesn’t feel like real life to me. It feels like I’m watching a movie, which isn’t a bad thing necessarily. I like movies more than I like real life, usually. Also, B-Wood doesn’t put any Commie propaganda in this book, so that’s a major plus.

Laura: The entire point of this was actually that Megan didn’t know what she wanted—she tried the low-rent, well-meaning guy, got an eyeful of his grinding poverty and poor hygiene, and ended up pulling one of those early morning catch-ya-laters that so rarely means love. She tried the rich guy who would have taken care of her, and felt flattered and secure, but also totally empty, so she booked it again. And ran right back to the poor guy and told him she loves him, despite the fact that they started dating, like a day ago, and also that she slept with someone else hours earlier. Allow me to translate: she doesn’t know what she wants, but she’s trying like hell to figure it out. This is what real life is like—maybe not your life, but definitely mine at times, and a lot of other people’s lives too.

And yes, she stops running (because the issue ends), but the entire point of this series is that she’s in a different city every goddamn issue! She’s a girl who runs!

And now I have narrated the entire plot of the book, which is what I was trying not to do by being intentionally vague in my synopsis. I pretty much loathe spoilers, and I’m trying to pick (and pan) these books for people, not ruin their endings.

Adan: Emo much?

Laura: Bite me.

New Avengers: Illuminati #2

Laura: Reed Richards, is there no end to your douchebaggery? Are you really so arrogant that you thought it would be a good idea to collect all the Infinity Gems together and wield them? Because that will somehow make things safer? Even Uatu thinks you’re a dumbass. “This was not your decision to make, Richards,” he tells the good doctor, and that seems true of a lot of his decisions lately. I’m not sure who to blame more here, Reed for having this incredibly bad idea, or the rest of the Illuminati for going along with it. Still, we can thank Bendis for making it a fun ride.

Adan: Now hold on a second. I do not agree with your assesment of Reed Richards. He is no douchebag, at least not here. Yes, he collects the Infinity Gems, but he has two really good reasons: a) so people like Thanos and the like won’t have them, and b) he was only wielding them to try to will them out of existence. Frankly, that’s a worthy goal, trying to take a very powerful artifact off the chessboard. Also, I’m very interested in what happens with the Illuminati members and their shiny new jewelry. This is the second issue in a row we’ve done of this book, and it’s still pretty good. Bendis still knows how to write on occasion.

Laura: I’m not saying that he didn’t have good intentions (he always does), I’m saying that it was tremendously arrogant and foolish on his part to take this particular task on himself, or to believe that he was capable of willing the Infinity Gems out of existence. Bendis really is doing this series right, though. I’m actually exciting for the next issue, which is something I can say about maybe two books in the Marvel U right now.

She-Hulk #16

Laura: Dan Slott has done better. She-Hulk and Wolverine team up against Wendigo, and it’s… all right. I could have done without She-Hulk’s temporary incompetence, somehow “forgetting” mid-battle that she has a healing factor. Also not a fan of Wolverine’s totally out-of-bounds dismissal of She-Hulk as “Juggernaut’s sloppy seconds,” something which frankly I find hard to believe. C’mon, Wolverine would have totally hit that.

Adan: I don’t know. “Juggernaut’s sloppy seconds” makes for a really good deterrent. Yeah, She-Hulk is all big and strong and green (and I know I would have hit that pre-Juggy), but Juggy’s gross and I don’t want to go anywhere near that. Plus, it’s not like Wolverine can’t just pick out a random Japanese girl and do her. I mean, I’m pretty sure Logan’s fucked the entire nation of Japan by now–twice. But this book isn’t about Wolverine or She-Hulk’s sexual antics (well, it is, but there’s more), it’s about She-Hulk kicking the Hulk’s rogue’s gallery’s collective ass. And then delivering them to S.H.I.E.L.D. for some shadowy operation. Also, the many one-liners and sight gags Slott throws in there are worth the price of admission alone.

Laura: First of all, we don’t know for sure that they slept together, and She-Hulk adamantly denies it. Second of all, why is it cool for guys to sleep with all kinds of filthy, terrible people and yet somehow nobody looks at them as “tainted,” but one bad sexual choice for a woman (even an invented one!) means her market value plummets? That is some bullshit, my friend.

Adan: First of all, yes we do. I don’t remember the issue number, but it was in Uncanny X-men when Jugs was trying to go legit. She-Hulk was representing him in a case for the murder of Sammy Pare aka Fishboy. After she got him off legally, she got him off again. There was a two-page spread in which they are in a broken bed together, naked. If that doesn’t scream hot rabu-rabu (that’s Engrish for sex), then you need to check your ears. I’m pretty She-Hulk was screaming too. Second of all, no, it’s not cool for guys to sleep with all kinds of filthy, terrible people. There’s a reason the term whore applies to both genders, and that is because people like Nightwing, Arsenal, and yes, Wolverine, especially Wolverine, are all dirty, dirty whores.

Laura: It was Uncanny X-Men #435, and they were not naked. I wasn’t there and She-Hulk was, and if she says nothing happened (which she has said numerous times) I’m not going to argue that it did. And yes, Wolverine and Nightwing and lots of other guys are sluts, but the fact of the matter is that it doesn’t make them “damaged goods” or less desirable, while women in the same situation are treated as though their worth is somehow diminished. That’s what Wolverine is essentially saying, and it’s full of crap.

Adan: I don’t want to do something so pedestrian as turning this into a men vs. women argument, but… Men only do what women let them get away with. If women would stop dating the assholes that you all find so Goddamn charismatic, maybe those same assholes wouldn’t think you’re “damaged goods” for sleeping with other assholes.

Laura: That’s a completely different topic of discussion and I don’t really know why you brought it up. This isn’t about what women “let [men] get away with,” it’s about the relative impact of sexual activity on the perceived worth of a human being. I also don’t appreciate you directing your comments at “me.”

Adan: I bring it up because it is very much germane to the discussion. You say sexual activity is perceived a certain way. Are men the only perceivers? If men act whorish, but women still date them, women have perceived their sexual activity as okay. If women act whorish, and other women gossip and snipe, then women have perceived their sexual activity as not okay. I think it’s safe to assume that men perceive these situatuons exactly the same way, but my point was that women perceive men’s whorish ways to be okay because they allow men to continue their whorish ways. Hence, “[m]en only do what women let them get away with.”

“I also don’t appreciate you directing your comments at ‘me.’” They’re not directed at you, conceited, except that you are who I am having this discussion with. Surely you know that the second person pronoun is merely a rhetorical device. Don’t make me talk down to you when I obviously don’t have to.

Laura: You seem interested in talking down to me regardless; I don’t “make” you act condescending any more than women “let” men get away with sexual promiscuity. Your sense of agency is kind of fucked up. Cherchez le femme! But let’s review: “If women would stop dating the assholes that you all find so Goddamn charismatic, maybe those same assholes wouldn’t think you’re “damaged goods” for sleeping with other assholes.” Obviously, you’re not using the impersonal “you” if the antecedent of the sentence is “women.” You wouldn’t direct this statement at a man, unless you wanted to make no sense, which is of course always an option.

You’re perceiving sexual judgments as if they exist purely as two one-way streets between men and women, which really isn’t the case. Both men and women make harsher judgments about women who are more sexually active; both men and women are more forgiving or even laudatory of men for the very same behavior. Society, as a whole, does this, not just the dating pool of the opposite sex. You’re also saying that the responsibility for male promiscuity lies with women, because women “let” them do it, which is so completely full of crap for biological, sociological, and practical reasons that I don’t even know where to start. Either way, I’m pretty much done with this discussion–this isn’t a message board, and this conversation has long passed the point of being productive.

Adan: I said men perceived these things exactly the same way. You can read that up there in between your bouts of imagined slights (that one was directed solely at you, Laura Hudson). And yes, I do hold that the responsibility for male promiscuity lies with women. Women need to stop dating them. It’s not like these assholes don’t get a reputation the same way women do. If women stopped sleeping with promiscous men, all the male back-patting in the world wouldn’t hold up this kind of behavior.

Women of the world, stop dating assholes! They will only hurt you in the end. All those guys in high school you thought were kind of bookish and nerdy, they’re the ones who need your love. They will cherish you and love you and never, ever cheat on you. Plus, there’s the added bonus that these nerdy, bookish guys will be too busy reading comics, playing D&D, or watching anime to have time for any sort of promiscuity. Date the nerds!

(Hey, sis, we’re still friends? Sorry I pissed you off. I’m even sorry for the “imagined slights” thing.)

Laura: If I didn’t love you like a brother, Adan, you wouldn’t be able to push my buttons like one. We’re cool.

Superman #659

Adan: This is a very interesting story to me. A very religious woman prays to God when bad things happen, and miraculously, Superman appears every time. She thinks he’s an angel, and he tries to convince her he’s not. Normally, I don’t like religiosity because normally, it’s all words and no deeds (you’ve heard me rail against American Virgin for this exact reason). But this woman, Barbara Johnson, she does truly believe and she acts upon her beliefs to make Suicide Slum a better place. And when she’s laid low, when misfortune befalls Barbara Johnson, she doesn’t blame God. She doesn’t begin questioning his plan. No, she looks around and sees the reason in her misfortune. She sees that while something awful has happened to her, this same awfulness has caused good things to happen to many others around her. This is a true believer, ladies and gentlemen, and if all so-called religious people were like Barbara Johnson, we’d live in a much, much better world.

Laura: If all so-called religious people also applied a slightly thicker layer of reality to their faith, we’d all live in a much, much better world as well. What’s a lot more interesting to me, though, is the way that Superman deals with being treated as a divine being, and his conflicting desires to be both a human being and superhuman savior. A nice one-shot, and good jumping on point, if you’ve been waiting for one.

Adan: Oh, jackass Adam Chamberlain is a-ok in your book, but Barbara Johnson, who has real faith, not some pretend garbage, fuck her because she’s totally delusional.

And while we’re on the subject, happy Ash Wednesday to all you Catholics out there. I would have attended Mass, but I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to say “fuck” while I’m there. Say a Hail Mary for my soul, would you? That would be keen.

X-Factor v1: The Longest Night

Adan: It’s pretty ridiculous that the same guy that writes the awful, awful Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man also writes the very excellent X-Factor. But, like Jamie Madrox, the leader of X-Factor, Peter David embodies contradictions. This trade collects the first six issues of the series, which introduces Singularity Investigations, a Decimated mutant world, and Layla Miller. Oh, that Layla Miller. It also introduces a Multiple Man who’s never sure of his actions nor of their repercussions because to paraphrase Madrox himself, if you can do everything, why choose to do only one thing. Pick up this book; it’s awesome.

Laura: Adan is spot on. I never saw this book coming, but damned if it didn’t knock my socks off. Peter David has made Multiple Man one of the most fascinating and compelling characters in recent memory, whose internal struggle is made literally external as he pops out difference facets of his personality like a human clown car. What’s it like when every aspect of your personality can take physical form, and act on every impulse? How do you conceive of memory when you have to reintegrate all those experiences–and who are you, really, when you exist as fragments as often as you exist as a whole? And that’s just Madrox. David gives us a team of fully-realized superpeople whose personal weaknesses are as important as their powers, and the result is the best X-book on the shelves right now.

And Others…

Adan: We only talked about 52 that one time long, long ago, and then dropped it because whatever. It was gonna do its thing and people were gonna buy or not buy it no matter what we said because either they were already in it, or they had already decided to stay far away from it. But this issue was really good. Instead of the many plots that an average issue of 52 usually deals with, this only deals with one, Ralph Dibny, and this plot thread is finished in a most satisfying manner. The discrepancies between where the Helmet of Fate actually was for a year (which I complained about in my review of Helmet of Fate: Detective Chimp) are put to rest, the seemingly out-of-character actions of Dibny are washed away, and most everything is explained pretty well. … Dude, it was a good ending. It was a satisfying ending. Yeah, Keith Giffen’s Justice League teams loses another member (although with Booster back, I guess the number hasn’t actually changed since last I counted the dead). This is a good issue of 52 and don’t let anybody tell you any different.

Wonder Woman #4 is also out this week, and it features an over-the-top portrayal of Circe as a militant feminist. Apparently, all men are bad. But Diana Prince and Hercules go to her island to prove her wrong… but Hercules ends up proving her right. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mortal or a god, posessing a Y chromosome means you suck a lot.