Batman Confidential #1

Laura: Batman Confidential, what do you have to show me? The usual gruff noir voiceovers as Batman investigates crimes? Yawn. An evil lackey that gets killed at the last second before he can give up the name of his employer? Sigh. Bruce Wayne agonizing over his parents’ deaths? Again? Zzzz. There’s nothing here you haven’t seen a million billion times in Batman books, and usually done better. The only vaguely amusing thing is how Bruce Wayne bids for a defense contract against Lex Luthor by appealing to the government’s “conscience” and “mercy.” Oh, you naïve billionaire, you. Next, maybe you can pitch something factual to Fox News while appealing to their sense of “fairness” and “balance.”

Adan: That’s two Confidential books so far, and they both suck a lot. I couldn’t possibly contain my excitement for the third one featuring Wonder Woman. At least Whilce Portacio’s art isn’t horrible. It’s actually nearing his apex of StormWatch: Team Achilles. Andy Diggle on the other hand needs to jump ship as soon as possible and go write something like the Losers again because this isn’t doing it. The story is nearing Batman Begins levels of absurdity.

Jonah Hex #14

Laura: Jonah Hex is coming to town. He’s kind of like Santa Claus, except that instead of bringing presents and holiday cheer, he brings bullets and the cold embrace of death. As one man says when he sees Hex riding into town, “Better tell the Reverend to dust off his Bible.” I don’t know what makes people think it’s a good idea to start things with Hex, unless maybe they feel braver when it’s a whole posse against a single man. But they’re forgetting one thing: Jonah Hex will kill you. He will kill you all like he was shooting tin cans off a fence, and then he will smoke a cigarette through the hole in his face and think about what he wants to eat for dinner. They say hard times make hard men, and Jonah Hex is as tough as they come. This month we learn more about the events that made him that way, from his (literally) shitty childhood to his years living with the Apache. If you haven’t picked up any issues of this stone-cold spaghetti western, then this is a great time to jump on the wagon. Bonus: Palmiotti and Gray manage to go an entire issue without a brutal rape, which I totally didn’t think they could do. Kudos, guys.

Adan: Aside from the brutal rape scene, which was sorely lacking in my opinion, this book is still the best western comic currently being published. Hex is badass and he will show you every time some idiot with bigger balls than brains tries to one-up him. That said, you do have to admire those guys that start shit with Hex. They’ve got some mighty large grapefruits. Melons, even. A man with balls as big as that shouldn’t be able to walk, much less come up on Hex ready to throw down… those’re some damn big balls.

Justice Society of America #1

Adan: It’s the inevitable return of the first super-team in comics, and what are they doing? Alan Scott, Jay Garrick, and Wildcat are standing around a table deciding which heroes are going to be in the new JSA. Wait, what? This is the only narrative device we could think of to put a team back together, DC? Didn’t you just do this about three months ago with another top-tier super-team? What’s next? Vril Dox, Lobo, and Comet get together and decide who’s going to be in the new L.E.G.I.O.N.? Okay, but besides that, this book is awesome. I told you guys last week that I love Geoff Johns unless he’s writing Green Lantern, and JSA was probably the best of his DC series so I look forward to another awesome Society-Johns run.

Laura: Dunno how I feel about the old school triumverate of superheroes whipping legacy students into shape, but I do like Mr. America. A former FBI agent who left the force because he simply had more Justice to dispense than a badge could contain, he immediately started freelancing as a superhero detective for the same agents he’d worked with, his identity concealed only by a tiny, tiny blue eye mask and a cape. Seriously, other than that he’s just wearing a button up shirt and slacks! It’s kind of amazing. Anyway, I’m liking this character, and I hope he sticks around, especially since he’s the only thing I enjoy about the book so far.

Manhunter #26

Adan: Kate Spencer is back! Yay! Here’s a little-known tidbit about me: I love strong female characters, especially when they’re written very well. Tara Chace from Queen & Country, Starbuck from the new Battlestar Galactica, Sophocles’ Antigone, and many more. Yeah, I love Guy Gardner, but I also love the Manhunter. She’s taken a very tough case, but after defending Dr. Psycho, who could be tougher? How about another strong female character in Wonder Woman (who is only sometimes well-written). She’s on trial for the murder of Maxwell Lord, and she wants only the best for her defense. I wonder what kind of bonding experience they’ll have?

Laura: Despite being exonerated by the world court, Wonder Woman seeks out the legal services of Kate Spencer, who quite reasonably asks why Diana waited an entire year. We’ll pretend the answer isn’t 52, and rather that a federal grand jury is only now convening in America to try her for Lord’s murder. Kate Spencer agrees to join her defense, but for some reason feels the need to warn Wonder Woman that “I’m not going to kill anyone to help you.” WTF? Way to not throw that Maxwell Lord thing back in her face, Captain Overreacto. But hey, at least we get to see the two ladies throw down (for reasons that aren’t completely contrived).

newuniversal #1

Laura: No, I didn’t forget how to punctuate. The title of Warren Ellis’ new book is just all e.e. cummings like that, because Ellis is a funky guy. In the spirit of the original New Universe series, we find a world that looks much like our own (with a few significant deviations) where a handful of people gain incredible powers following a celestial incident known as “The White Event.” Ellis manages to introduce a pretty large cast of characters and keep it both interesting and minimally confusing. There are a whooole lot of plot threads here that need to get tied together later, but I’ve got faith. For extra easter egg fun, try to find all the celebrity look-alikes. There are quite a few pseudo-cameos by characters that just happen to look like famous people, including one of my favorite characters from Lost. (Hint: He’s a magnificent bastard, and his name rhymes with “lawyer”)

Adan: I’m not sure what Laura’s talking about with her pseudo-cameos, but I’m as blind as a bat, so don’t mind me. This is a pretty good first issue, with only a few slight problems (most of it comes from the fact that Communism has survived to the 21st century in this world, and their science is whooping our science; I call shenanigans, Ellis). I’ve never read the old New Universe stuff, although I’m told it wasn’t very good. Well, this was quite good, and will stay so as long as Ellis keeps writing it (or until he introduces the Pit). Larroca’s artwork is looking very Texeira-ish. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I do have a question: what’s up with that?

Nightly News #2

Laura: John Guyton is not a hero. He’s an anti-establishment extremist slash lunatic who believes the Voice of God is telling him to commit terrible acts of terrorism. The tree of liberty apparently needs watering, and Guyton thinks he knows where to get the blood: the media, whom he hates with a fiery but factually well-supported passion (there are many helpful charts). Guyton believes he is The Hand, God’s instrument of justice (if “justice” is defined as “killing lots and lots of reporters”), and so he has assembled the Cult of the Voice, a group of vengeful, malleable men ready to wreak havoc on his command. Although Jonathan Hickman claims to be somewhat apolitical, have no doubt: this is a radical book, in more way than one. Think Fight Club crossed with Brian Wood, to whom artist/writer Hickman has been favorably compared, and not for nothing. Composed entirely of eye-popping two page spreads, replete with pop-up factoid bubbles and numbered legends, Nightly News is a provocative visual treat that takes time to absorb. So get the first issue while you still can, and take it all in.

Adan: Are you serious!? You actually like this garbage? At least Brian Wood pretends not to be an anarchist/Communist. Apolitical my ass. All his little “factually well-supported” charts are about as accurate as the Da Vinci Code was. Hey kids, don’t bother fact-checking or looking up anything for yourselves because Jonathan Hickman will tell you exactly like it is. The United States government is bought and sold by Media Corporations on an almost daily basis and the Constitution is just a piece of paper and we don’t actually have to do what it says. A bunch of crazy cultists know what’s really going on and killing innocents is a good way to change the world (that last statement, while factually true, is morally wrong). I’m sure you’ve got more to say on this, sis, so I’ll wait for your well-timed retort before I go totally apeshit on this awful piece of trash.

Laura: Take a deeeep breath. In through your nose… aaaand… out through your mouth. Some of the points Hickman is making about the media are legitimate (though perhaps not all), but let’s be clear: Hickman is not advocating the murder of journalists or crazy cultish behavior or terrorist acts. He’s presenting them in a work of fiction, through a character that you’re supposed to feel ambivalent about. You’re not supposed to laud or embrace the terrible things Guyton does; you’re supposed to think about them in the context of the book as a whole. I know that very special rage you feel only towards pinkos, Adan, but I think you’re taking this far, far too much at face value. Also, it’s a beautiful book, no matter what your politics are.

Adan: “I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.” And the bonus round: What beautiful? It’s clip art with hair. This guy can’t even take the time to write his signs out on the signs themselves. Instead I have to read the footnote to see what each sign is supposed to say. This art looks like a third grader put it together with construction paper. Like South Park, only no where near as funny.

Laura: This is a really easy one to settle, folks: pick up the book. Pick it up in the store, open it, place the interior within your field of vision, and make your own aesthetic judgment about the art. It will not be difficult.

Spider-Man: Reign #1

Adan: Page 20, panel 3. Yes, Kaare Andrews is awesome. Yes, this is set in a dystopian future in New York City. Yes, super heroes have been outlawed. But none of that matters. Go to page 20, panel 3 and behold the height of editorial lapse in judgment, lapse in concentration, lapse in duty: Peter Parker’s Pecker! It’s right there! Go to page 20, panel 3 and behold the Spider-Penis! That’s it. That’s all I got. I was going to do this great write-up all about how this book was an analogue of current government fear tactics and a natural extension of the Marvel Universe if the Super-Hero Registration Act is not changed or overturned, but then I saw a penis in a Marvel book and I was done. An old, wrinkly penis! In a regular, non-MAX Marvel book! Avi Arad would be spinning in his grave if he were, you know, dead. According to the credits, the people responsible are Michael O’Connor and Axel Alonso. They let the penis go. It’s there. You can’t take it back now.

Laura: Oh, Peter Parker. It’s hard for me to see you like this: a lonely, broken old man, as good-hearted (and destitute) as ever, but bereft of friends, loved ones, and any sense of purpose. These days, New York City is run by a crazy fascist mayor that has kicked out all its superheroes, and the streets are policed by crazy brutalizing cops who (gasp) hurt children. Small children with puppy dog eyes that gaze at Old Man Parker and ask how he could let this happens, which doesn’t make any sense–why would you expect a brittle elderly man to do anything against gigantic thugs? Regardless, you know what’s going to happen: you’re going to see Peter Parker’s balls. Sorry, I meant to say that he’s going to become Spider-Man again. I guess I got kind of distracted by something. Probably Peter Parker’s penis. (Try saying that three times fast.)

Adan: Wait, all that happened in this book? Seriously? Wow, that penis seriously just broke my concentration entirely.

Tranquility #1

Laura: Many people have a dream of retiring, someday, to a small town where everyone knows your name and waves hello to you on the street. In the quaint, quirky town of Tranquility, lots people are living that dream—the twist is, they happen to be Superpeople (or “Maxis” are they are called. Go ahead, get your guffaws out now). From senile Golden Age heroes to punk-ass superteens, Gail Simone has populated Tranquility with a lively and very funny cast of characters, including Emoticon (grandson of old-school villain The Typist) who had me pounding the table with laughter. El oh el! Also in this alternate universe, Seduction of the Innocent was laughed off back in the 50s, and comic books subsequently became a $3 billion industry. Ah, comics. You truly are a fantasy world. Keep it up, Gail Simone, and you might just have a brand new fan on your hands.

Adan: The only original book to populate the WorldStorm, it is also hands down the funniest (sorry Grant and Garth). It’s also got the most heart. Yes, the Emoticon and his sideways-scrolling faces are funny, but Maxi-Man’s inability to remember the magic word that makes him into a super-powered phenom (think DC’s Captain Marvel or Miracleman) is pretty sad. How would you like to spend the rest of your life reading out of dictionaries in every language known to man just to try to find your special word? That’s rough, man. And the rest of this town is populated by other characters that are just as funny, just as pathetic, and are just as every adjective in-between.

Ultimate Vision #1

Adan: “My body is exquisitely designed for two things. Communication and propulsion.” So says the Vision as she prepares to leave Earth in a body that resembles a fully-functioning female in thigh-high boots and little else. Excuse me, is your finely-toned ass for propulsion or for communication? Oh, both? Pardon me for asking, then. After Spider-Penis, it’s almost impossible not to assume that Marvel has become a hard-core pornographic comic book company, or at the very least has been taken over by Jim Balent and now everybody’s clothes will magically disappear. The Vision certainly has knockers big enough for Jim Balent to enjoy drawing. Oh, and in case you’re keeping score at home, those big knockers are for communication purposes only. You know, communication like, “Can a guy buy a sexy lady a drink?”

Laura: Seriously, unless her boobs are detachable bombs or double as machine guns, they’re pretty indefensible. They’re indefensible anyway, but at least machine gun boobs don’t ask to be taken seriously. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible to sexualize a giant female C3P0 quite this much, and yet somehow they manage to do it. Sexy Female Vision encounters a bunch of creepy scientists that lure her to a space station, act generally sketchy and cavalier about human life, and then ask her to take part in a really dangerous experiment. Her wise and sensible robot answer: Sure! Jesus. Are you really that easy? If that’s the case, this guy at the bar has something he wants to tell you about a mirror in your pocket. Also, he has lost his phone number and needs yours.

Adan: Hey Vision, your propulsion systems must be taxed because you’ve been running around my head all day.

Laura: Also, your dad must’ve been a mechanic… ‘cuz you got all the right parts!