Age of Bronze #24

Adan: Helen is a right cunt! I’ve hated Helen of Troy since I first read the Iliad all those years ago and it seems Eric Shanower’s got the right characterization here: a vain, selfish, bitchy whore. Unlike such literary luminaries as Edgar Allan Poe and Hilda Doolittle, who seemed to just love Helen to pieces, Shanower knows what’s up. And what’s up is that Helen is a right cunt. Shanower also spins a mean Trojan War yarn. Yeah, the gods are missing and we’re not actually at the war yet, but it’s still really freaking good. Trust me, you’ll love it. The first two trades are out already and you can order back issues from Shanower himself, so you really have no excuse not to try this book out.

Laura: A vain, selfish, bitchy whore? Harsh, Adan. In fairness, though, whores do it for the money, which as an ardent capitalist I thought you’d appreciate. Helen, on the other hand, does it because she gets off on the attention. She’s not a bad person so much as she’s an emotional child in a pretty package that everyone treats like a commodity, which is kind of sad. Yes, everyone is going to die because daddy didn’t love her her enough or something, but that’s only partly her fault. Regardless, the Iliad is one of the greatest stories of all time, and Shanower’s doing it up right–buy the trades first, but by all means start reading.

Adan: I do like that whores do it for the money; I don’t like when they mask doing it for the money as doing it for love.

Laura: What about whores that are doing it because they love money? They cool?

Adan: They’re cool. It’s the deceit I’m not down with.

Battlestar Galactica: Zarek #1

Adan: So Tom Zarek’s a big old Commie, what with his labor movements and his book burning. We all knew he was a manipulative asshole from watching the show, but now, his origin story reveals that he’s a Commie born from Commie parents on a Commie planet. Listen, I’m not saying having your population reduced to a slave workforce shouldn’t piss you off, but why is it the first thing you all turn to is Communism? You don’t think there’s anything better out there for you? I know the Dictatorship of the Proletariat spiel sounds nice on paper, but it’s only going to lead to heartbreak and about sixty million deaths. Use that big brain of yours and think up a better solution. Actually, you probably already did and it involves you as supreme ruler, doesn’t it?

Laura: What the hell are you talking about? There’s nothing about Communism in this book. Zarek and his family are laborers on Sagittaron, part of a workforce only recently liberated from slavery, and yeah, they form a labor union and commit some civil disobedience. It’s probably what you’d do in their shoes, and it doesn’t make them “commies.” What does the world look like through Adan-colored glasses, anyway? Is everyone faintly tinged in red and wearing Che Guevara shirts? Calm down, comrade. These aren’t the communists you’re looking for. And although the writing is largely expository and has a couple weak patches, I’m a little fascinated by the backstory of one of the more enigmatic BSG characters. I’ll be back for issue two. Maybe you will too?

Adan: “Zarek and his family are laborers on Sagittaron, part of a workforce only recently liberated from slavery, and yeah, they form a labor union and commit some civil disobedience.” How does that not scream commie to you? Are you a sympathizer? Oh, what I wouldn’t give to resurrect Tailgunner Joe McCarthy and let him go medieval on your ass. And if you looked through Adan-colored glasses, you wouldn’t see shit because those glasses would be pretty opaque.

Laura: A while back you were conflating anarchism and communism, and now it’s unions. What do you think communism means, exactly? Also did… did you really just summon the spirit of Joe McCarthy to “go medieval on [my] ass”? Did that just happen?

Adan: Yeah that happened because you totally deserve it. And what do you mean unions aren’t communist. Collective bargaining instead of raises based on personal merit? That’s bullshit. And Communist. Collective is in the fucking name, for Christ’s sake. Next, unions will be requiring you to make five-year plans.

Laura: I think this is where my “no arguing with crazy people and/or devil’s advocates” rule kicks in.

Adan: You should probably have quit arguing, and really this entire column, a long time ago then. The crazy doesn’t ever stop here.

Boys #6

Adan: The last issue of the first storyarc and it was kind of a letdown. This issue is the weakest so far as Teenage Kix go up against the Boys in a knock-down, drag-ouf fight… Okay, listen, the Teenagers get their asses Kixed, okay? You knew that was gonna happen, I knew it, Laura knew it, hell, even my mom knew it and she doesn’t even read the book. The Boys show ‘em what’s what, but something doesn’t quite go as planned. Oh, and it turns out the Boys are pro-registration. Who woulda thunk that a WildStorm book was even following Marvel politics?

Laura: The Boys and I had a bit of a falling out a few issues back, beginning with scene where Starlight was forced to orally service the male members of The Seven in order to join the team, and ending with the totally out of control gangbang. Go back and read what I just wrote and contemplate how much that sounds like the plot to a porno. Anyway, a lot of people’s faces get turned into red mist, and Garth Ennis still hates superheroes, but the writing is so solid that I might just be back on board. And the story behind the hamster on the cover is fairly hilarious to me, probably because I find sexual deviance a lot more amusing than sexual abuse and exploitation. But then, that’s me.

Hedge Knight HC

Laura: I wouldn’t say that I’m particularly into fantasy, but man am I ever into George R. R. Martin. His Song of Ice and Fire series is so goddamn good that I compulsively give away copies of the first book, Game of Thrones. It’s like handing out free samples of crack—pretty much everyone gets hooked. Hedge Knight is a prequel that takes place about a hundred years before the events of the series, but there are still some familiar names from the rich and complex history that permeates the novels. I’m not going to pretend I’m objective—I have an enormous hard-on for GRRM, and I can’t seem to get enough of him, so of course I’m gonna be first in line to buy Hedge Knight. It’s an entertaining story that can easily be read on its own merits, but if you like it even a little bit go out and buy Game of Thrones, as the novels are exponentially better. Remember, books without pictures: also your friends. You’re welcome in advance.

Adan: Okay, I’ve never read a George Martin book ever, right? This was my first exposure to Martin, and it was pretty good. I like this Hedge Knight and how he feels more like a common man than a knight proper. My only problem with this trade is, and I don’t know if it actually was an adapted short story, but it definitely felt like one. There is this narration throughout the work that has the uncanny ability to basically describe what I’m already seeing and tell me that someone is going to speak, right before a speech balloon comes from him. The adapter of this work (if there is an adapter), didn’t do a very good job. If there isn’t an adapter, then Martin just doesn’t know how comics work. But again, the story was good. I just wish it had conformed more to comic book technique or method.

Justice League of America #5

Adan: Oh c’mon! Is Solomon Grundy actually wearing fucking Armani!? Listen kids, I also remember how good Brad Meltzer was (Archer’s Quest is still an amazing storyarc), but he’s blowing this JLA thing like he blew the ending to Identity Crisis: really hard. I can’t decide what’s worse: Batman thanking Hal Jordan for making him a green microscope (thanking him!? are you out of your goddamn mind!?) or Arsenal looking up at Hawkgirl and saying “Pretty Bird” the very next page. See, he’s like Ollie now because Ollie used to call the Black Canary “Pretty Bird” all of the time. So now, we’re foreshadowing some kind of romantic situation with Roy and Kendra. And for fuck’s sake! The man’s name is John, not fucking Reddy! He’s not a goddamn teddy bear!*

Laura: Hey, you’re the one that wanted to do JLA this week instead of Astonishing. Astonishing was actually good this time around, while JLA is still boring and lame, non-shocker. Much is made of “Reddy’s” humanity and whether or not it’s “worth it,” which I can assure you this book is not. Next.

Adan: Well, we’re not just supposed to review the books you love every month. If we did that, this column would get real boring real fast. But since you brought it up… I don’t understand people’s love of Astonishing. I definitely do not believe Whedon and Cassaday to be the Fourth Coming (the First being Lee and Kirby, the second being Claremont and Byrne circa 1980, and the Third being Morrison, et al.) Cassaday’s an excellent artist, but Whedon does not match him in quality. He has excellent moments (like Colussus’ “joke” in this issue) that are really freakin’ good, but these moments do not add up to a great arc, nor even a great issue. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like Whedon’s as bad as Carey, or Claremont circa Now, but he’s also not great. He’s merely another serviceable X-men writer in a long line of serviceable X-men writers. The only reason history will remember Joss Whedon on the X-men is because he was already famous.

Laura: Do you honestly think I need a lecture on how we don’t just review books that we like? How many times have I picked books specifically to hate on them? My problem with JLA isn’t just that it’s bad, but that it’s boring. It sucks today exactly the same way it sucked the last time we reviewed it. Astonishing, on the other hand, wasn’t very good last month, but the new issue actually made me excited again for the final arc, and that’s not boring. Just saying.

Adan: Settle down there, Fabulous Moolah! Ain’t no one trying to pick a fight with you (except me up in the BSG thread). I was merely re-iterating our policy. But if you feel so strongly, go ahead and review Astonishing, like I did.

Laura: 1) I don’t know what you’re on about with this “Fabulous Moolah” thing. 2) You were, in fact, trying to pick a fight with me–a statement which is true usually, and also presently. 3) You didn’t review this issue of Astonishing. You did a comparative analysis of X-Men writers and then hated on Whedon generally. 4) Your mom.

Adan: 1) the Fabulous Moolah is an old-timey female wrestler. 2) I was not. 3) You’re right, I did, but at least I did it well. 4) My mother’s a goddamn saint!

Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane #13

Laura: I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m pretty sure this book could be a gateway drug. Buy the book, or better yet the digests (Digest #2 out this week) and give them to your sister. Give them to your girlfriend. Give them to your mom. And after they fall in love, it’s only a hop, skip and a jump to Ultimate Spider-Man, and then you’re sharing a hobby. Added bonus: if your masculinity is too fragile to buy SM<3MJ on your own, you can keep reading it and just blame the ladies in your life. And you do want to read it. This issue, you get to see a 16 year old girl write the dialogue for a Spidey vs. Sandman fight, which is priceless. It's all funny, charming, and surprisingly well-done. I dare you not to like this book.

Adan: Oh man, this book rocks my meerkats! I need to read it all the time! It’s like shoujo, only with Spider-Man! Gwen and Peter are together, but MJ likes Peter, but she can’t tell him because she and Gwen are totally friends. Plus, there’s this Spider-Man guy who MJ totally has a crush on, and like, oh my God! Okay, I kind of girlied out there for a second, but this book’s actually really good. The best part of the book is when Gwen is recounting a Spider-Man run-in to MJ and it’s actually Gwen telling MJ what happened, word balloons and everything. It’s not just a flashback, it’s a flashback through the filter of the person recounting the incident. Why doesn’t every single writer do this? It’s a great narrative technique… like, totally.

What If? X-Men: Age of Apocalypse #1

Adan: Meh… not so bad. I though they were gonna crap all over X-man (see, X-man was the very first comic I collected from issue number one until its cancellation, so he holds a special place in my heart). Instead, they actually wrote him like they were supposed to: brash, headstrong, arrogant, impulsive,… I could continue showing off my brand new thesaurus, but instead I’ll tell you this is actually pretty good. And it warms my heart to see Cap carrying around Mjolnir like he was born to it. But then I saw Logan’s hair. Ew. Listen, I know you’re in a post-apocalyptic world fighting for your survival on a daily basis, but surely you can find the time to go to a barber, man?

Laura: Yeah, this Wolverine is the best there is at what he does, if what he does is grow hair that makes him look like a flying nun. With a proper running start, I’m pretty sure he could hangglide. I have no patience for this book, with its two dimensional characters and predictable one-liners. Just when everyone is about to march into Apocalypse’s version of Mordor, The Thing passes a street sign and realizes he’s on Yancy Street, which is approximately when I checked out and completely gave up on the current What If? books. What If? is such a great concept, and yet somehow they’ve managed to screw it up by consistently churning out one-shots that read like mediocre fanfiction. Thanks, Marvel–another beloved book from my childhood ruined.

X-Men #194

Adan: A slightly better start than Carey’s first arc, but not by much. While I do enjoy the interplay between Rogue’s crazy ass team of heroes and villains (Iceman, Cannonball, Omega Sentinel, Cable, Rogue, Sabretooth, Mystique, and Lady Mastermind), I’m still not convinced that Humberto Ramos belongs on a super-hero book that isn’t supposed to be funny all the time. It’s too cartoony and the story loses some of its dramatic resonance, although the writing isn’t really helping much, is it?

Laura: So let’s review—the writing is bad, the art is mismatched at best, and I still can’t read a single goddamn X-Men book besides Astonishing without constantly rolling my eyes. This is unacceptable, people. Also unacceptable—Lady Mastermind’s costume. I don’t know what kind of magical Shi’ar body tape she’s using to hold that thing together, but there’s no way she wouldn’t be constantly falling out of what I will generously describe as a top. And don’t think I didn’t catch that part where Rogue threatens to rip her clothes off, ostensibly to scold her. The X-Men got me into comics, and they’ll always be special to me, which is why I pick up an issue every four or five months just to see if it’s still sucking. And yeah, it’s still sucking. Check you in April, X-Men. Try really hard to stop blowing between now and then, ok?

*Can you tell he hates this book a lot?