Hey, so maybe you noticed we’re late this week. Well, see, it’s like this: I was up too late playing Dungeons & Dragons, my big sister was up too late singing the karaoke, and Jon, our scanner, was up too late playing Guitar Hero II. Sorry about the delay, but at least we’ve all got good reasons, right? — Adan

Blank Vol. 1

Laura: Fans, prepare to be serviced. Your waitress this evening will be Aki Clark, a schoolgirl and martial arts enthusiast, whose underwear you will come to know well. The eponymous Blank, on the other hand, is a rogueish, sex-crazed amnesiac, who might be a secret agent sent to protect Aki from a nefarious plot involving her scientist father. Or, he might just be trying to get in her pants. The book gets four out of five Happosais on the lecher-o-meter; gratuitous panty shots abound, and I’m pretty sure high school girls don’t actually grab each other’s boobs as a form of greeting in any reality. Still, there’s more to it than updrafts and grab-assing. Like action, espionage, romance, intrigue, and… ok, more panty shots. But don’t lie to me—you know you enjoy it, and at least it comes wrapped up in an amusing story. You know, if you need to justify it to yourself. Kinda like reading Playboy “for the articles.”

Adan: “Goddamn you half-Japanese girls, you do it to me every time.” And of course this girl is half-Japanese. Who cares that it has sweet fuck-all to do with the story. And what a story! There’s this secret agent, right, but he’s got amnesia that makes him all pervy, and there’s this terrorist organization, and a super awesome Death Ray of Death!!! Holy crap does it suck! I love you Pop Mhan, but you did the high school spy stuff better when Peter David was writing back in your SpyBoy days (pick that up instead of this). The best part of this is Pop Mhan’s caricature of his working habits while writing and drawing this nonsense all the way in the back. Apparently, he drew a lot of boobs and played a lot of video games. It shows Pop, it shows.

Bucky O’Hare and the Toad Menace GN

Adan: This book is pretty funny, but only if you’re from the Eighties. If you were born and raised in the Eighties, but then moved to the Nineties (like me), you should also find this funny, but not as much. Toads that are all militant because of an military-industrial computer named KOMPLEX (no, really) and the United Animals Security Council convening for five years (five years!? what are you, Ents?) before finally deciding to get a fleet together to stop the Toad Menace are pretty funny, right? Ignoring the ridiculous premise, this flashback isn’t actually half-bad. I honestly was guffawing heartily in spots. I really wish that Willy kid didn’t show up, though. I could have done without the reminder that there was a point in our history when every sci-fi or fantasy story just had to have a ten-year-old kid that was accidentally transported to the awesome world. Those stupid ten-year-olds always made the world less awesome just by breathing.

Laura: Bucky O’Hare, I’m just not that into you. Not your gigantic anime eyes, or your cutesy pun-laden banter, or your sexy animal ladies. Sure, there are lots of exciting space battles in the war between the anthropomorphic mammals and the anthropomorphic toads, but the dense, sometimes impenetrable art had me squinting at most of those scenes like some kind of magic eye, which did not explode into three dimensions, but rather two crappy ones. Just go get the video game instead; Bucky O’Hare was an incredible platformer, and one of the unsung all-time classics of the NES. Plus, the graphics are better.

DCU Infinite Holiday Special

Laura: I thought they were going to call this the Infinite Christmas Special, which is an awesome name, but there’s a story about Batwoman and her Holocaust menorah and I guess that wouldn’t have been very inclusive. Oh well! Your favorite DC heroes and teams either learn to believe in holiday miracles or dispense them to others, so get ready for heart-warming, credulity-straining, spirit-of-Christmas-affirming tales from one and all. It’s pretty hit or miss, but the two real winners are Shadowpact taking on the Anti-Christmas League, and the absolutely priceless final story where Superman and Batman save Christmas. Really, it’s all worth it for the picture on the final page, where Dan Didio appears in what looks like his pajamas and raises a deformed glass of ensorcelled champagne towards the reader. Drinking is a holiday message that I can really get behind, so I appreciate that. Slainte!

Adan: Let me tell you what the real meaning of Christmas is (filtered through the lens of DC, of course): Supergirl can be a cunt as long as there is an upside to her cuntishness. That’s it, that’s it right there, the real meaning of Christmas. Laura’s right, by the way, those two stories are freaking awesome, but everything else in this anthology blows. Don’t get me started on the SHAZAM story (which makes no sense, by the way), or the fact that, apparently, Hector Hammond is gay for Hal Jordan. Gay as the day is long. I’ll stick to the “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” again this year, DC, but thanks for trying. P.S. Dan Didio doesn’t look that creepy in real life, I swear. P.P.S. I don’t know what “slainte” means, either.

Laura: That is because you are Mexican and not Irish. And the answer is “cheers.” It’s all right–the only thing I understand when you speak Spanish is “no.”

Exiles Annual #1

Adan: There’s something weird about Tom Raney. Sometimes, his art looks abominable; but at other times, it’s fucking fantastic! And this time, this time it is fucking fantastic! The story’s okay (two super teams have a misunderstanding and fight before teaming up and taking out the real villain… with a twist! they’re actually the same team!), but who cares? Tom Raney is fucking fantastic today! Also, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only guy who fantasized about two Blinks at the same time. With Nocturne in there as well, it’s almost perfect. Throw in Sunfire again, and I could read this book all night.

Laura: Everything you need to know about this book is summed up by who’s headlining the fight: Classic Exiles vs. New Exiles! Ever wondered who would win if they went head to head? Well, you’re not the only one. Someone else is so interested in how that bout would turn out that he’s willing to orchestrate it. Someone named…. Tony Bedard? Well, yes. But also, someone named… the Timebroker. Dun dun DUN!

Gargoyles #2

Adan: It’s like watching my favorite after school cartoon all over again! I’m sure having creator Greg Weisman write the book is the reason this feels so good, but man! It really feels good! Everyone’s here and they’re exactly like I remember them. Even that Vinny kid who kept getting accidentally shafted by the Gargoyles is here and I can just hear his Brooklyn accent come right through the page. Oh man, it’s like being a kid again! This is what Bucky O’Hare should have made me feel but didn’t. All you Gargoyles fans, read this immediately. All you non-Gargoyles fans, go buy the DVDs and become fans already, ’cause this series is great!

Laura: Reading Gargoyles, the comic, is exactly like watching an episode of the cartoon. Exactly like it. The only thing missing is the mood music, but the good news is that I can still hear Commander Riker in my head every time Xanatos talks. Of course, I never actually paid money to watch the cartoon, and I’m not 100% percent sure I’d pay money for the comic. It’s kind of like running into an old friend you haven’t spoken to in years. Sure, you exchange numbers and say you’re going to hang out, but you know you’re never really going to call them. Honestly, it really was good to see you guys (especially you, Hudson), but don’t wait by the phone.

Sandman Mystery Theater #1

Adan: I’m not sure about this book yet. This first issue was pretty confusing and I’m not sure what’s really going down. Wesley Dodds and Dian Belmont make an appearance, but they’re not the focus of the story, which, frankly, seems anathema in a Sandman Mystery Theater book. John Ney Reiber’s laying down some pretty heavy war metaphors and themes that I’m finding difficult to pick up. Maybe it would be easier to get this if I wasn’t so, you know, confused. It’s like I got shot in the face with the Sandman’s gas instead of the villains. I’ll read the second issue, but if this fog doesn’t clear up, then I’m done.

Laura: Yeah, it’s not so much that I don’t know what’s going on here as I don’t know what it means. The writing is solid, but it’s a lot more atmosphere than substance. We have all these heavy scenes that are obviously supposed to be rich with implication, but it’s not really clear what they’re implying. Nobody wants to get hit over the head with a Mallet of Meaning, but you gotta give us a little more here, Reiber. Evoking concepts and feelings is all well and good, but now and then maybe you should consider saying things with, you know, words.

Wonder Man #1

Laura: The superhero as celebrity in a media-saturated culture has been done before, but I never mind seeing it done right. It remains to be seen if Wonder Man fits the bill. Problem number one: I really don’t buy Ladykiller. She looks like a slinky ninja/reaper with her skin-tight leather, awesome weapons tech and slick hand-to-hand combat, but she’s also so FERAL with animal RAGE that she can only vocalize in gutteral sounds. And yet, still applies her eyeliner so precisely. Wonder Man has faced the berserker rage of Wolverine, but this ninety-pound girl and her scary growling throws him off his game? That’s all full of crap, but all right. I like you a lot, Peter David, and sometimes you rock my socks off, but I’m not sure who’s writing this book: is it the Peter David who writes X-Factor, or the Peter David who writes Friendly Neighborhood? We’re all hoping for the former. Better bring your A-game next month, though, because that’s all the patience I’ve got.

Adan: I looked at the cover of this book, and I threw up on my shirt. Then I opened the book and threw up all over my pants. Why the fuck are these lines and colors making me sick? Who are you Andrew Currie? Are you some Bond villain with a new scheme to take over the world with your horrible lines and colors (I will NOT call it art)? Oh man, I’m getting kind of sick just thinking about it again. Peter David, you’re not helping. Your words are trying to make sense, but they don’t. “Ladykiller?” Is she a lady that kills, or does she kill ladies? I don’t know. And why does this story start one thousand years in the future? I don’t get it. Oh no… I just threw up all over my keyboard. This is gonna take awhile to clean up. Talk amongst yourselves.