So I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have very much in common with fanboys, or at least the idea of a “fanboy”; the pettiness, the complaining, the over-protectiveness when it comes to my favorite characters being translated to film, etc. And like a lot of fanboys, I’ll occasionally delude myself into thinking I could do a better job than most filmmakers. So I decided I’d add another regular feature to my blog. And believe me, I know how unlucky it must be to name it after O.J. Simpson’s ill-fated book chronicling how he would have killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman, ‘cause you know. . . . he didn’t do it!

In any event, last year saw the Man of Steel’s not-so triumphant return to the big screen after nineteen years since the last Christopher Reeve film. Warner Bros. had spent close to a decade (and over two hundred million dollars) trying to resurrect the franchise, ultimately hiring Bryan Singer. Between his success with the X-Men franchise and the success Warner Bros. had rebooting Batman, how could it go wrong?

Well, as I’ve always said, the major flaw in Superman Returns is that Singer really based his film more on the original Christopher Reeve/Richard Donner film, rather than mining Superman’s rich comic book history. At almost every turn, the film plays it safe, relying on nostalgia more than fresh ideas born from the comic book source material. The film essentially follows the exact same storyline, even using the exact same dialogue in several scenes. Couple this with the fact that we’ve never been without some incarnation of Superman in the nineteen year gap between Reeve’s last film and Superman Returns; The Adventures of Superman, Superboy, Lois & Clark, Superman The Animated Series, Smallville, Justice League. With so many different interpretations of the character, in both live-action and animation, most of them taking full advantage of the source material, when Superman Returns is measured against them, it pales in comparison.

If I Did Superman Returns?
Well, first things first: GET RID OF THE KID!! What little new ground is broken in Superman Returns is wasted on the inclusion of Lois’ son, who turns out to be Superman’s son, too!! WTF?!?! Look, I can accept Lois and Clark bumping uglies in Superman II, but that was a completely different situation, one where Clark was completely honest with Lois about who he was. Superman Returns would have us believe that Superman and Lois made love and conceived a child, with Lois knowing nothing of Superman being Clark. The problem I’ve always had with this is that Superman isn’t necessarily a person, he’s an icon, an idea. No matter how personal he may be with Lois, I can’t imagine him crossing that line with her unless he revealed the person behind the idea. Otherwise, one could assume he’s just going around Metropolis stickin’ it to just about any old ho. So yeah, let’s lose the kid. Keep the fiancée, by all means. That’s enough of a symbol of Lois trying to move on with her life.

What’s this crap about Lex Luthor weaseling a dying old lady out of her fortune?!? If Smallville and Superman The Animated Series have taught us anything, it’s that Lex Luthor works best when he hides behind his corporation, and the belief that his evil deeds are for the good of mankind. Shit, Luthor wouldn’t even be the major villain if I had anything to do with it. We’ve seen it all before, and in retrospect, the Reeve era Lex Luthor was an utter joke. No, I’d look at our technology-driven world and pick the perfect villain for Superman: Braniac.

The way I see it, Brainiac hitches a ride when Superman comes back to Earth. And when you think about it, you could have Brainiac cause the EMP that takes out all the power in Metropolis at the beginning of the film, and have the same introductory scene of Superman saving the airline plane, followed by several other tech-related disasters. If we had to use Lexcorp in some way, I’d have someone working maybe as a computer specialist discover Brainiac’s programming, and have him try to use it to his advantage. Clark and Lois, in investigating the disasters would ultimately find their way to Lexcorp, but Lex would know nothing about it, at first. Brainiac, in the meanwhile, could be searching for more remnants of Kryptonian technology on Earth ultimately discovering the Fortress of Solitude. If it’s a must that someone steal from the Fortress, we could have Brainiac sending the gullible computer expert to fetch the crystals. Given Brainiac’s knowledge of Kryptonian technology, have him construct a device to override any security measures that would only respond to Superman. Nothing pissed me off more in Superman Returns (besides the bastard son of Superman) than the idea that Lex and his cronies could just walk right into the Fortress and steal all of Superman’s information crystals. Even the animated series established the idea of Kryptonian technology only responding to Superman. Does that just make TOO much sense, or something? In any event, Brainiac would find a way to incorporate Kryptonian technology into Earth technology, and create a new body for himself. One of the big action set pieces could have Brainiac activating an army of weapons prototypes and storming Lexcorp “Rise of the Machines” Style! Superman and Lex would ultimately have to work together stop Brainiac.

And how about introducing S.T.A.R. Labs. Even the Flash television series incorporated S.TA.R. Labs!! You’re telling me Superman, a being from another world, is deathly ill after massive exposure to a kryptonite island, and they take him to Metropolis General Hospital?!? What the fuck are they gonna do for him there?!? Not that S.T.A.R. Labs could have done that much more, but it would have established the facility as a place with qualified scientific specialist who have dealt with Superman since his initial appearance on Earth, as well as studying kryptonite and other technology related to Krypton. It could also make for a far more plausible situation under which Superman feels compelled to search for Krypton. And once Brainiac is introduced, there would be even more use for them.

As for Lois, she doesn’t immediately feel like talking to Superman. Still angered his disappearance, she confides in Clark more than anyone, and starts to see something in him, and feel for him in a way she never she felt before. Having her fall back in love with Superman is just so predictable. Let things develop with Clark, and ultimately have Lois breaking it off with Richard by the end of the film. Not that she’ll immediately end up with Clark, but she knows she doesn’t want to be with Richard. And it’ll be a lot easier to pull off, since my movie wouldn’t saddle Lois with a kid!

Castings and Re-castings:

-I actually really liked Brandon Routh, and aside from the god-awful costume, I wouldn’t change a thing about him.

-As much as I liked the idea of Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor, nothing was really done with him. You might as well have gotten Michael Rosenbaum from Smallville! But seriously, I’d have snatched up Billy Zane and let ‘em rock his clean-shaven bald head look that he likes so much. The man can play evil, arrogant and charismatic like nobody’s business. He’d basically be the dick he played in Titanic, but without the hair.

- How ironic that Parker Posey was in the movie playing someone OTHER than Lois Lane. Had Warner Bros. gotten the project off the ground back in the mid to late 90s, it’d have been Courtney Cox. Now, there’s no doubt Posey could handle the part of Lois that’s a hard-nosed, slightly obnoxious, reporter, but I also think she’s got the dramatic acting chops to make you sympathize with Lois, having to deal with Superman’s absence. Then again, anyone other than Kate Bosworth would have been better. And why are we led to believe that a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist still can’t spell!! The joke wasn’t funny thirty years ago, and it still ain’t funny!

-As for our lowly computer expert, we’ve got a wealth of squirrelly character actors to choose from, but whoever it would be, I wouldn’t want him to be a nerd per se. Just a guy who’s got nothing really going for him except his job.

-I supposed we’d eventually need someone to physically play Brainiac, but they also need to have a chilling, otherworldly voice to keep us on the edge of our seats for the bulk of the film. I’d go with John Malcovich.

Now, I’m sure there are plenty of fans who were pleased with Superman Returns, but you know what? I wasn’t one of them! Besides, you KNOW my version would have rocked exponentially!