DR. SELA MATHERS: First of all, why are they picking on the Hulk? Poor guy gets a little angry now and then, turning that awful shade of green should be punishment enough. They deserve whats comin’ to them. If I were in their shoes however, I would probably build an adorable little mechanical She-Hulk that would distract the Hulk, while I hid out on a nice Mexican beach. I heard the Hulk has a nasty sun allergy.

SNAKE: You’ve got the greatest minds in the Marvel Universe joining forces for the betterment of mankind, and their big plan is to piss off the big green guy who can lift mountains? Stick to inventin’ subatomic particle-reducing toaster ovens, brainiacs! These friggin’ know-it-all elitists really chap my ass.

LOU: But the question is what would you do if the Hulk were coming for you? Whatchoo gonna do, Snake? Whatchoo gonna do?!

SNAKE: Well, the question should be since when does a porno moustache and gray temples make you the boss of me?! Iron Man — porno ’stache. Reed Richards — gray temples. Dr. Strange — he’s got both, so he must be the leader. And that mute chump from the moon… I’ll bet ya’ dollars to doughnuts he’s sportin’ gray under that mask. But I digress. The only unstable molecules Reed Richards should worry about are the ones that fill his shorts when the Hulk is smacking his rubbery ass around.

BOMB QUEEN: See, that’s what’s wrong with those mentally-challenged heroes. Always think they know what’s best for society. Stupid super heroes. My money is on Hulk bending them over a table. Save me a front row seat because I’m all for the death of any self-proclaimed hero, especially Reed Richards. Mr. Fantastic can stretch my size 7 up his back crack.

ROB REILLY: Though I’ve not read this, it sounds alot like Conan the Barbarian except on another planet. I’m not one for the superhero gerne but I’d like to see the Hulk beat the piss out of the Marvel Universe! “Hulk smash everything except a blockbuster movie!”

CODE: First off, watch your language. What would I do? Run… duh. You want to take on The Hulk? That may have been the dumbest question ever asked in the history of comics.

ROB REILLY: Even Norton’s brilliant acting abilities can save this turd of a franchise. Thanks for nothing Ang Lee, you suck! However, the fact that the writer from the Xmen movie is attached doesn’t make me reconsider… hmm… decisions, decisions.

DR. SELA MATHERS: I think Mr. Norton will do a great job as Bruce Banner. I like the badboy types, they just need to be kept in line is all.

BOMB QUEEN: Blows up buildings in FIGHT CLUB, check. Plays a thief in THE SCORE, check. Plays a thief in THE ITALIAN JOB, check. Plays a neo-nazi skinhead in AMERICAN HISTORY X, check. Kills a priest in PRIMAL FEAR, check. So… uhm, speaking as a super villain what’s not to like about Norton? And if he throws cars at the police I’ll love him even more. Hell, he can play in Sonny Bono’s downhill adventure, I’ll still watch him. What…? Did I say something non-pee cee? You invite a super villain to the party then complain I spiked the kool-aid? Worked for Jim Jones, didn’t it?

DR. SELA MATHERS: Wow, seems like someone got short-changed in the super-powers department.

SNAKE: Mediocre, somewhat derivative comic gets second life as a TV series. Interesting….

LOU: There’s hope for us yet!

CODE: I really can’t get behind anyone named ‘Speed’. Drugs kill. In fact — the name ‘Trixie’ is a bit of an issue for me also. What kind of girl is this?

DR. SELA MATHERS: You have to LOVE Christina as Trixie. She’s smart, sexy and ready to kick some butt when she has to. I guess I like the badgirl types too. Hmmm, I wonder why that is.

BOMB QUEEN: Christina Ricci? Well, this movie will rock if they use Alpha Team’s 1991 nasty hardcore remix, “Go Speed Go”. Trixie sexually moaning to a bump and grind is where it’s at, honey. If Ricci can pull that off then I’ll order extra pirate DVD’s for my city of crime. But honestly… I’m more interested in the monkey and Racer X.

ROB REILLY: I heard that in order to keep the production costs down, Christina Ricci’s massive forehead will double as Speed Racer’s helmet. Way to trim the fat, movie producers! Kick ass!

SNAKE: Lou, you don’t even watch Lost.

LOU: See, I have a theory about that too….

SNAKE: As long as he doesn’t mention those crappy Matrix sequels.

LOU: Yeah, and as long as there isn’t a techno dance orgy sequence in Mole Man’s underground layer, like in Matrix 2.

SNAKE: Actually, that would be ok. Chiklis and Alba — flame on, baby!

LOU: I thought I’m was the one who isn’t supposed to make sense.

CODE: I realize that there is not a lot of work in Hollywood for Black actors but why does it have to be a Black man who eats the world?? On the TV show 24 there is a Black President when a nuclear bomb hits America. In the movie Deep Impact there’s a Black President when the world is coming to an end. NOW — the man who is coming to destroy the world (By EATING it by the way! Most likely the director will figure out a way to have Silver Suffer bring Galactus some hot sauce) is a Black man. You see a pattern here?

BOMB QUEEN: Laurence plays a super villain? See, now that’s what I’m talking about, mon ami. Throw us villains a bone every now and we’ll treat your right. Nothing gets the blood boiling like a Planet-eating black man with a silver-plated lawn jockey. I haven’t been this excited since James Earl Jones voiced Darth Vadar. So where the hell is my villain movie, already?

ROB REILLY: He should talk with Stan Lee’s lawyer. I don’t blame the guy, back in ‘68 he probably got the shaft as far as royalities and pay. Get that money while you can brotha!

DR. SELA MATHERS: All this legal mumbo jumbo, so what if Marvel screwed up Ghost Rider a bit, at least it wasn’t as bad as The Punisher.. Now there’s your lawsuit!

SNAKE: I’d like to sue someone over the Ghost Rider movie too. Really, if I could bring a class action suit against Nicholas Cage in general, that would be great.

SNAKE: Seriously, call my lawyer.

DR. SELA MATHERS: Is Nick Cage in every comic book turned film now? I think I liked him better in Leaving Las Vegas where he played a suicidal drunk who dates a prositute. Now there’s someone I could help.

ROB REILLY: Why does the Motion Picture Assoc. still let this man work, WORST ACTOR EVER. He makes Shatner look like a Oscar candidate.

DR. SELA MATHERS: I once saw an illustration Rob Liefeld did of Captain America. Cap’s boobs were bigger than mine! To call Rob Liefeld a modern day equivalent to Jack “The King” Kirby is like giving William Hung the keys to Graceland and saying welcome home.

SNAKE: I think dead Kirby is still faster at turning out books than living Liefeld. Of course, the guy drawin’ our book has been working on it since like 1983.

LOU: Shhh. We’re supposed to be nice.

ROB REILLY: I had the pleasure of sitting next to Liefeld at this year’s comic con, he seemed like a nice enough guy. I know you’re waiting for it…….. yes I think his work stinks on ice! There, the audience is now statisifed.

BOMB QUEEN is a super villain who controls an east coast city with deadly force, yet her citizens love her for it. Crime is legal, but only within the city limits as agreed with the government. [www.comicspace.com/jimmykitty/]

CODE (the only name he knows) woke up one morning in a luxury apartment with no memory of his past. No memory of his past but an awareness of incredible physical abilities and resources. Having these abilities and resources gives him little reprieve from what else he knew — that until he defeated evil in the form of Steven Dark he would face a daily torment and the possible lost of his soul. [theguardianline.com]

ROB REILLY is a self-loathing, self-published comic artist struggling to get ahead in the industry. You’ll be him someday. [www.skatoonproductions.blogspot.com]

DR. SELA MATHERS is a literature professor who specializes in Fairy Tales and Fables. Sela in fact posseses the ability to transport others into an alternate Fairy Tale World where her usually unwilling participants must make choices that will drastically affect their lives. And in many instances, when one doesn’t heed Sela’s guidance, that person probably won’t be living happily ever after. You can learn more about Sela and her Grimm Fairy Tales at [www.zenescope.com ]