BOMB QUEEN: Grindhouse? Yeah, finally a movie with enough blood for my wicked sensibilities. All these emo movies with super heroes and lame villains need to take notice. I laughed out loud when the little kid killed himself. Now that’s quality!

ROB REILLY: I’d like to think of it as a Mini Wheats commercial: The kid in me loves the possibility of boobies and over the top violence. The adult in me loves the fact that Tarantino is finally putting out another great homage and genre piece. This movie is gonna kick ass and put 300 to shame.

CODE: I didn’t see it. I deal with that kind of blood and gore all the time in New Hope City. I went to see “Blades Of Glory.” After a day of fighting evil, I needed a laugh.

SKRAP: This movie looks bananas!! I’m a fan of both these directors, looks like I’ll be sneaking into the theatres this week.

SNAKE: Let me get ‘dis straight — you expected me to sit through a 3-hour, hard R gorefest on the holiest of holy weekends, and it ain’t directed by Mel Gibson?

LOU: You know what I love about Easter? Cadburry Cream Eggs. You know, they only come out at this time of year. I like the mystery of reaching into the box for that one perfect still-wrapped, not-cracked chocolatey egg, and…

SNAKE: Lou… what about the movie?

LOU: Oh, I saw Wild Hogs again.

SNAKE: Of course you did.

LOU: That Tim Allen… I hope he gets nominated.

BOMB QUEEN: Sweet, I’ll buy it! Better yet, someone else can buy the car and I’ll just kill ‘em for it. I need some easy transport around my city. Of course, I’d have to reprogram KITT, but that’s no problem with my dedicated computer. Batman’s computer has nothing on my system. I’d turn KITT out like a bi-curious Las Vegas lounge singer.

SKRAP: They’re asking 150 G’s for KITT… and it doesn’t even talk!? you might as well just put a christmas light on the hood of an old Trans AM and call it a day.

ROB REILLY: Think of the poor bastard who purchases that thing and realizes that it’s now programmed with the character of George Feeny from Boy meets World. And I’d be sure to de-Hoff the car seats, gross!

CODE: The problem is it’s a talking muscle car from the ‘80s. The real muscle cars were from the ‘60s and early 70s. Why do I need a car that talks to me? Why does any real man? I can see it now:

KITT: Code I need gas.
CODE: Oh, you can talk but you can’t get your own gas?
KITT: I don’t have any hands!
CODE: Oh you can talk and ask for gas but you don’t have any hands. What good are you?
KITT: I help you fight crime!
CODE: How? All you ever did for Hasselhoff was warn him when someone was coming.
KITT. DAVID LOVED ME!!!
CODE: Really? Then why is he driving a Bentley and I picked you up on E-Bay?

SNAKE: Who needs a talking car that smells like Hasselhoff? I got a sedan that smells like monkey, and fat boy over here never shuts up.

LOU: How much for the A-Team van?

BOMB QUEEN: Why is it always a brilliant scientist? Where are the evil scientist nowadays? Metal Men would be good…. if they woke up to their full potential as villains. I mean, if you have power on that level, why take orders? Why help people when you can help yourself? And Geoff Johns? Geesh, hasn’t he written enough hero comics? Hello, Geoffy-boy, give us villains a bone and we might get a few films made, too. I might even let you write mine.

CODE: I’m glad that Geoff Johns is involved. He’s a great writer. He does owe me 20 bucks however. Geoff, I want my money.

SKRAP: I don’t know about this one, it’s from from Shuler-Donner (who was behind the X-men movies) so it might not be ALL bad. I’m sayin though, how you gonna have 4 hardcore elements (gold, iron, mercury, lead) and then have tin?? What’s gonna happen when you dump water on him? We all remebered what happen to the tin man in wizard of oz.

BOMB QUEEN: Zzzz… Huh? Yakuza? Now you’re talking. You lost me after Romeo and Juliet. But give it that underworld crime syndicate spin and I’m all for it. I’ll make sure it’s stocked in the libraries of my city. I have to keep a lid on content, y’know. State controlled media is where it’s at in my town. That includes manga – especially the tentacle porn.

SKRAP: Comics in the class room.. Man I could’ve really used these in high school!

ROB REILLY: Wouldn’t D&D just ruin the entire concept of college? Who in their right mind is gonna pass on late night drinking, partying and loose women to become a twelfth level wizard? This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.

SNAKE: I would like to announce that Division 18 is also recruiting D&D players. Come to our headquarters in downtown River City to be recruited for a swift kick in your 12-sided dice.

LOU: We really could probably use someone with a Wizard costume… or maybe a suit of armor.

SNAKE: Not on my watch, nerd lover.

BOMB QUEEN: Did someone just fart? WotC buying their porn, too? Look, as a villain I’m all for college. Drinking, sex, drugs, hazing, whatever. But supporting RPG clubs when that good money can be used for scoring a hit is a waste of time. This is just a WotC tax write-off. But hey, whatever floats your log in the pool. Hmm…. perhaps I should make my own RPG card game for villains?

SKRAP: They should have no problem getting chicks now — drugs, sex and D&D lol.

CODE: Look — let’s be real — they didn’t get Downey because he would be a good Iron Man. They got him because he would be a great Tony Stark. Remember Stark and Downey share a 12 step program or two.

BOMB QUEEN: Hey, any drug addict is a friend of mine. But if Robert Downey, Jr. wants a real woman, he can put that skinny skank Paltrow down and get his iron up under my sheets. Too bad Favreau is directing. I mean, he’s an actor, he a director, he’s a writer… People who can’t make up their minds need to be led, not direct others. That’s why I’m a dictator, amigo.

SNAKE: What the hell kinda name is “Pepper Potts” anyway? Was “Salty Saucepan” taken?

LOU: Well, I like the trend. You could have all sorts of delicious sounding names this way… “Cookie McJar”, “Fried Chicken Von Cutting Board”, um… “Meatloaf”…

SNAKE: You really oughtta consider assisted suicide.

SKRAP: I mean I really like Downey Jr., he’s definitely gully… but come on, who can pull of Tony Starks’ mustache better than Tom Selleck!!

ROB REILLY: I am definitely skeptical of yet another Marvel movie, though I have respect for Jon Favreau’s directorial talents, except for Elf… *cough* LAME *cough*. Without a doubt Downey Jr. can pull off a drunk millionaire, he was one for many many years. In all seriousness, enough with the superhero movies, when’s the next Road to Perdition or History of Violence gonna peek it’s head out!

BOMB QUEEN: Threats? I like that. Alien threats? Even better. As long as people die. Loads of people. And the right people. Didn’t play the video game, but if I can play as the monster then I’m all over it. There’s a few folks in government I’d like to take out – if you know what I mean.

CODE: “Extra-terrestrial threat?” Did I not mention that the evil I’m fighting is right here on earth? Have I not made it clear that our very souls are at stake? OK you worry about E.T. if want to but do me a favor, when you get a chance drop me a postcard from …HELL!

BOMB QUEEN: Not like how I cried after watching Catwoman. I had such high hopes. At last a movie for the bad girl, for us villains – but then it all ended in tears. She can have her star, I’ll be first to walk on it, grind my heel, and spit. But I’ll give her credit for making me “feel like a woman” with her monster balls. Hey, what can I say, I play for both teams, kid.

SNAKE: Don’t you gotta pay fer yer own star? I mean, what da hell is she cryin’ about? You don’t see me crying in the dressing room at Men’s Warehouse or on line at the grocery store. Friggin’ women.

LOU: I cry at the grocery store sometimes….

ROB REILLY: Did they also present her with the homeless wino who will be peeing on her star in the upcoming weeks?

CODE: First off Halle Berry is so 2003. Now it’s all about Salma Hayek. If I had time for a girl (which I don’t because I’m fighting evil day and night) I would give her a call. You know now that I think of it, maybe I’m working to hard…

ROB REILLY: Honestly, is there nothing this man won’t do to make a buck!? I remember a time when musicians were considered legendary because they wrote kick ass tunes, not because everything they do has to be a media event. I hope he loses to a 6 year-old kid who doesn’t know who he is. HAHA!

CODE: The only game worth playing on X-Box right now is Gears Of War. Now when Gene Simmons joins that band, I’ll be impressed.

BOMB QUEEN: Are we done here? All this talk about Simmons got me worked up. Just thinking about that tongue is… oh, yeah… uhm, video games, right! While Guitar Hero is a hot seller, it’s banned in my city. Nothing with “hero” in the title is sold under my dictatorship. But I admit… I’ve played the game myself and if I had the time I’d enter that contest and show Simmons how I finger my strut– if you catch my drift.

BOMB QUEEN is a super villain who controls an east coast city with deadly force, yet her citizens love her for it. Crime is legal, but only within the city limits as agreed with the government. [www.comicspace.com/jimmykitty/]

CODE (the only name he knows) woke up one morning in a luxury apartment with no memory of his past. No memory of his past but an awareness of incredible physical abilities and resources. Having these abilities and resources gives him little reprieve from what else
he knew — that until he defeated evil in the form of Steven Dark he would face a daily torment and the possible lost of his soul. [theguardianline.com]

ROB REILLY is a self-loathing, self-published comic artist struggling to get ahead in the industry. You’ll be him someday. [www.skatoonproductions.blogspot.com]

Skrap (aka skarzy, aka what you lookin at!) is the joke cracking, 5 foot bodyguard of Empire city’s most gifted emcee, Young Blak. Crew affiliation: G-pak. Weapon: razor blade (tucked in his mouth). Book: BLOKHEDZ! [www.blokhedz.tv]