To give everyone a fair warning, I've given up on writing an entirely spoiler free article about Signs. Based on my screening of the film, I'm convinced that writing a review of Signs without spoilers would be akin to fighting off a platoon of marines armed with M16's using only my Nerf Bow and Arrow, a shoelace, and some bellybutton lint. If I were MacGuyver, it might be a different story, but alas, I'm not.

I'm feeling generous today, so here's a short, spoiler free review of Signs: Shamylan has created nothing more than a B-movie plot with an almost all A-movie cast and production. He foregoes the concept of plot holes entirely, instead opting to skip directly to plot canyons. There was a lot to like about the film, but by the time the end credits rolled, far too many things were bothering me to enjoy the film's "payoff" (if you can even call it that). I'm sure we'll have a much more in-depth, spoiler free review here at PCS very soon, but you can sure as hell guess that I'm not going to be the one to write it.

That being said, I thoroughly enjoyed Shyamalan's first two films (The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable) and was greatly anticipating Signs. In fact, I was almost convinced that this movie would replace John Carpenter's They Live! as my favorite "alien invasion" flick of all time. Boy was I wrong.

In order to more accurately illustrate the reasoning behind my logic, I've included this easy-to-follow chart comparing the two films in a variety of different categories. Enjoy!

Our Heroes:

Signs: Graham Hess (megastar Mel Gibson) is a former Reverend who renounces his faith when his wife was abruptly killed in a car accident, giving up all belief in a higher being. Although the audience never sees it, he also harvests crops apparently.

They Live: Nada (grizzled wrestling superstar and tough guy Rowdy Roddy Piper) is a drifter in search of a job. He wanders into an unnamed town and stays at a local shelter until finding some gainful employment as a construction worker.

Advantage: Push - Gibson's Rev. Hess has to deal with the loss of his wife, while Piper's Nada has to keep his meticulously coifed mullet in prime shape during all that difficult traveling and construction work.

The Problem:

Signs: Mysterious crop circles begin appearing in many different parts of the world. Hours later, UFO's begin hovering over major cities, putting the world (and more importantly Rev. Hess and his family) into a state of panic. Is this the end of the world, or is it an elaborate ruse put together by a bunch of nerds with too much time on their hands?

They Live: Aliens have already infiltrated our planet and our everyday lives. They walk around freely by disguising their true visages. They manipulate the human population through subliminal messages, and use the Earth's resources for their own gains. Only a select few people know of their existence and are doing anything to try and stop them. Nada comes across a specially designed pair of sunglasses that allows him to distinguish between normal people and the aliens in disguise.

Advantage: They Live - While all the flying saucers in Signs may seem scary, they're about the frightful equivalent of aliens tossing a bunch of frisbees our way.

Best Special Effects:

Signs: Very little actual special effects are used. Most of the suspense is conveyed through darkness and the concept of "the unknown". When you finally get a glimpse of the aliens, you come to the realization that a grand total of three dollars was allotted to the special effects team.

They Live: Uses more special effects than Signs, but the bad news is that Carpenter's special effects budget was half of what Shyamalan gave to his team.

Advantage: They Live - Carpenter does far more than Shyamalan with only some silly putty, a couple toy guns, a shitty Halloween mask, and some sunglasses.

Best Overall Dialogue:

Signs: Shyamalan has a penchant for including kids that are apparently much wiser and smarter than any of the adults in his films. He has an uncanny habit of conveying the hyper-intelligent, unrealistic children to make the audience even more on edge. There's nothing scarier than a 9 year old who's smarter than everyone else in the movie combined.

They Live: There are no children starring in They Live, because John Carpenter is too busy chronicling Nada's ass-kicking adventures to have time to insert lame ass subplots and sentimental bullshit.

Advantage: Signs - Shyamalan keeps things consistently funny and uses humor to relieve the tension during or immediately following some of the movie's most intense sequences. They Live doesn't have as many intense sequences, because the main characters aren't pussyfooting around and waiting to get killed.

Best Aliens and Use of Alien Technology:

Signs: Um...they had flying saucers? The aliens invading our planet in Signs are about as technologically advanced as a roll of toilet paper. And they're about that tough too. Also according to the movie, we humans are able to intercept alien messages using an old baby monitor/walkie-talkie. Score one point for human technological advances!

They Live: The aliens possess wrist watches that serve as communicators, allowing them to constantly send messages back to headquarters. The watch also doubles as an emergency teleportation device. Aside some pretty messed up skin, the extra terrestrial beings look just like normal people wearing bargain bin Halloween masks. Carpenter is foiled by the budget police again.

Advantage: They Live - The aliens in both films are pretty much pussies, but aliens that can be defeated by simply locking them in the pantry or spitting a bunch of water in their faces are even less scary than aliens in suit and ties. Way to go Shyamalan. Maybe next time, try following in the footsteps of the legendary Killer Klowns from Outer Space by making the invaders some scary ass clowns or something.

Best Line:

Signs: "I am insane with anger!"

They Live: "I am here to chew bubble gum and kick ass....and I'm all out of bubble gum."

Advantage: They Live - While the "insane with anger" line is much better in the context of the film, it can't hold a candle to Nada casually strolling into a crowded bank with a shotgun in hand, letting loose with the "chew bubble gun and kick ass" line, and then proceeding to pump every alien scumbag in the building full of lead.

Best Solution to the Problem:

Signs: Have your little brother help you hide in the house and board up the doors and windows. Hope the aliens get bored and leave without killing you and your family. If you do encounter an alien, bludgeon it with a baseball bat.

They Live: Make your big, black co-worker aware of the whole "alien situation". Find shotguns and take those alien sons-of-bitches down. Also, head directly for their command center, whilst killing any alien in sight. Upgrade shotguns to machine guns. Kill some more aliens and blow up the primary source of their power and influence.

Advantage: They Live - Big, black sidekicks always come in handy. Oh yeah, so do machine guns and grenades.

Best Tribute:

Signs: Shyamalan uses the same style of credits seen in 50's and 60's "Alien Invasion" flicks. He also pays tribute to Alfred Hitchcock by utilizing many of the same directorial techniques to convey suspense.

They Live: Carpenter pays homage to all movies that kick ass by creating a movie that kicks just as much ass. 'Nuff said.

Advantage: They Live - This category would've been a stalemate if Shyamalan hadn't shamelessly cast himself as one of the characters in his own movie. We're officially one step closer to watching George Lucas as a bad ass, lightsaber-wielding Jedi Knight in Star Wars: Episode 3.

And the Winner Is...

They Live! by a landslide. If you watch only one alien invasion movie this year, your best bet is to just re-rent John Carpenter's masterpiece for the hundredth time. Still, there are worse things than watching Signs, like having sex with Rosie O'Donnell.