That’s exactly what everyone is who goes into “Doom” thinking they’re going to see a good movie.

Ya know, anyone who’s read my column should have some idea that I very rarely review movies that I don’t like. If you haven’t noticed, I pretty much just don’t review a movie if I didn’t dig it. Case in point, you never saw a “Fantastic Four” or a “Serenity” review from me, did you? I really don’t think that saying overtly negative things about certain movies is constructive, or professional, really. Besides, to be very honest… Why say what everyone else is saying about all the same movies anyway? That’s why I try to review stuff like “Immortel”, or “Rubber Johnny”. Those films are pretty different, and usually don’t get reviewed at all, let alone positively or negatively.

For the most part, my journalistic point of view, very much like that of my work, is to try and do something a little different, or to provide some insight or an opinion from an angle that hasn’t already been explored. Which again, is why I’m not going to even talk about “Bloodrayne”, another video game movie I had the absolute pleasure to see this week.

“Doom”, however, is an exception.

This movie is so excruciatingly painful to watch, I can’t even believe I made it through the whole thing.

As Bruce Wayne says in “Batman Begins”, “I cannot let that pass…”

Good Lord, where do I even start… Probably the most annoying thing about this movie, which is a huge pet peeve of mine about a lot of recent genre flicks, is that it’s blatantly derivative. It’s trying so hard to be “Aliens”, it’s not even funny. I mean, it’s not like you look at certain things and say, “Oh, that’s kind of Aliens-ish”; I mean there are scenes in this film that are lifted, shot for shot, right from “Aliens”.

The characters, the lighting, the palette, and most glaringly obvious, the production design of this movie are all a bad rip-off of something that had already not only been done years before, but done much, much better.

Next up, the script. It would have really been great if they had one. Look, even though my sensibilities as far as my own work is concerned are a little different, I’m up for a good, entertaining, popcorn movie, just like anyone else. But the key word there is: entertaining. This movie is more annoying than entertaining, for sure, but… There are not words in the English language to describe the FPS (that’s first person shooter, for you non-video game people) sequence in the end. If, by this point in the film, there are still people hanging on, this is where they, too, will fall into the proverbial abyss. It’s one of those movie moments where you just sit there in the theater with your mouth open, in utter disbelief, going “Oh my God, I can’t believe they actually did this…” Logic would dictate that this was the director’s choice, but I’ll tell ya, whomever’s choice it was, that person needs to be on the opposite end of that gun.

Then, of course, there’s The Rock. This is a hard one for me. It really is, because I genuinely like The Rock. I really, really do. The guy’s got a hell of a lot of charisma, and there’s something about his presence that draws you to him and just makes you like the guy. That being said, I just don’t think he’s a good actor. I’ve seen everything he’s done, and I just can’t find a role that I really thought he owned, you know? That he was perfect for and was unforgettable in. Sometimes, all the charisma and personality in the world just isn’t enough to carry an entire movie. From all his experience in the wrestling world, he definitely knows how to entertain people, and I know, some will argue that when he was wrestling he was “acting” because he was playing a character, but that’s quite a different thing from making a character in a movie seem believable and real.

Which also begs the question: What the hell is the intended tone of this film? To me, it seems confused as to what it is, or what kind of film it’s trying to be. There are moments that are pure camp, and that’s all cool, but then, in other moments, The Rock tries to be serious and deliver a line straight, and it makes the absolutely laughable mistake of trying to actually be a real movie. Not only are there directorial choices regarding design and tone that are poor, but also some of the dialogue, especially The Rock’s, is just awful, even for a bad B-movie. Not to mention, he gets no help whatsoever from the supporting cast, especially the female lead, who actually has some kind of subtle speech impediment that makes it sound like she has marbles in her mouth when she delivers some of her lines.

Lastly, but certainly not least… Look at the box office. A $15 million opening for a $60+ million, Universal, sci-fi, action movie, based on one of the biggest selling and most popular video game titles of all time…

I dunno, someone in the “Bloodrayne” screening I went to, told me that it’s actually getting released on a decent amount of screens in January… Now, granted, Uwe Boll is a whole entirely different can of worms, and “Doom” is a masterpiece compared to anything that guy’s ever done, but I’ll tell you this… I really think, or should I say, really hope, that with the lackluster box office performance and reviews of films like “House of the Dead”, “Doom”, and what I’m sure will come of “Bloodrayne” and “Dungeon Siege”, some of the studios are going to start to realize that just because there is familiarity with video game titles, it does not guarantee box office performance or, more importantly, a good movie…

Till next time, peace, love, and an endless river of chocolate…

SC