Action Comics #844

Adan: So the story that Richard Donner really wanted to tell in a Superman comic is Brian Singer’s ‘Superman Returns?’ With a few cosmetic changes, of course. I don’t know, I kind of already watched this movie. Twice. And I got popcorn those two times. What are you giving me, Donner?

Laura: I am apparently either a bad woman or a bad American, because the presence of CHILDREN IN DANGER! does not automatically make stories compelling for me. A Kryptonian boy rockets to Earth (”Just like Superman!” as we are repeatedly reminded), and surrogate Papa Clark gets all protective. Fairly unremarkable, except in its uncanny resemblance to a certain summer blockbuster. If they’re going to reenact the movie, I hope they do the scene where the bullet shatters on his retina; that was wicked cool.

Black Panther #21

Laura: Storm and T’Challa’s diplomatic world tour heads for the underwater hatch as they meet up with The Sub-Mariner in Atlantis. Namor spends most of the book taking swipes at Ororo for daring to have opinions without a penis, which might have been offensive if it weren’t so goddamn boring and badly-written. Namor launches into a WWII flashback whose moral makes almost no sense, and Ororo calls Namor “Malcolm X to [T'Challa's] Martin Luther King,” which is officially the best moment in the issue, and now you’ve read it.

Adan: I didn’t know a book could be so misogynistic! Namor talks down to Storm three separate times making comments like “A woman’s logic is a miracle to behold.” Seriously? And this while Coalition against the US thing… Hudlin can’t really write politics, and should really stop trying to write about things he seemingly knows nothing about.

The Boys #4

Adan: There is a slight chance that women are incapable of liking this book. Not because there is something wrong with women, but because there is something very wrong with this book. That said, this book is awesome! What happens when super-heroes think and act like rock stars instead of defenders of the common people? Drugs, sex, and merchandising! But who will be the Paparazzi to the super-powered? The Boys, that’s who.

Laura: There is a slight chance that *people* will be incapable of liking this book–especially those who don’t get their rocks off via Schadenfreude. Reading this book made me feel sick and uncomfortable, as though I were watching slightly-too-realistic rape porn. While ostensibly Ennis is trying to spin a gritty, unflinching tale about how superheroes are total assholes, it’s really an excuse to show us things that are ugly and terrible, just for the sake of it. Which is pretty much the only note Ennis is singing, these days. It’s not that brutality and sexual degradation shouldn’t be depicted in comic books; it’s that I’d prefer they be slightly less gleeful, and also have a point. It’s not shocking anymore, and worse, it’s not even interesting; it’s just gratuitous, sadistic, and sad.

Civil War: Choosing Sides

Adan: Five short stories about five characters who will soon get mini-series or starring roles in ongoings (except for Howard the Duck; he gets bupkus) and what they think about the Superhuman Registration Act. But hey, thanks Marvel: the main book is super late and you make it up to me by making me buy more stuff that’s tied into your super-mega-ultra crossover. On the upside, this book also contains the ‘Guiding Light’ comic that is actually the second part to the Guiding Light episode that is supposed to premiere on Wednesday, November 1st. I do so love my stories.

Laura: If you’ve been buying every Civil War tie-in religiously, and worse, if you’ve been enjoying them all, this book is for you. There are lots of people who can’t get enough of this bloated cross-over, and pretty much all this insubstantial filler book gives you is more of it. But really, not that much more.

Daredevil #90

Laura: In this month’s thrilling issue, Matt Murdock spends no less than 88 narrative bubbles talking to himself, mostly about lady smells. He tracks Lily to Paris, where he threatens a bunch of street toughs in untranslated French and then thinks some more about the whole smell thing. It’s like the issue-length version of those Spiderman strips in the newspaper where it takes him a week to swing from one building to another, but with more discussion of personal odor.

Adan: Who the hell else is he gonna talk to? The French? I’m not sure why you’ve decided to hate on Bru recently (ask her about Uncanny X-men), but this book is still good. We get more on who’s behind the Foggy’s fake assassination and I’m sure Bru’s gonna let us know why all this is important soon enough. Also, he was probably talking about personal odor so much because he was in France. ZING!

Nextwave #9

Laura: The story kicks off with a Nazi spy attempting to steal Captain America’s super-pee from a SHIELD bathroom, and then things really get weird. Terrorist floating cities, jabs at The Ultimates, and the best acronyms this side of MODOK make this book as entertaining as it is absurd, free of the common sense, coherence, and continuity that hampers so many other books. Don’t try to make sense of it–it’s Warren Ellis’ world, we just vicariously live in it.

Adan: Be sad that this book is ending with issue twelve. It’s the best thing you’re not reading and now it’s getting cancelled. This issue features the unlikeliest of guest stars ever to appear in a possibly in-continuity Marvel comic (Is it in-continuity? Honestly, why wouldn’t it be?). Prepare to laugh your socks off.

Phonogram #1 & #2 (2nd printings)

Laura: The concept behind Phonogram is both twee and profoundly true: music is magic. The book is in many ways a love letter to music–to the ways it moves us, owns us, and breaks our hearts. Whether you’ve had a band or an album or a beautiful girl turn your world around completely, you know a little about what it’s like to be under a spell. But for Phonomancer (read: magical hipster) David Kohl, it’s not a metaphor; songs are his spells, lyrics are his incantations, and you are completely in his thrall. Like a lot of musicians, Kohl is an arrogant, charismatic asshole, and you can’t take your eyes off him. In fact, he has a song he’d like to play for you, and it’s called Phonogram. Listen up.

Adan: This book is super pretentious and yet still manages to be good. It’s good because I want nothing more than to punch David Kohl right in his stupid face. You can’t hate a character that much unless he’s written very, very well. There is a cheer in my heart everytime he gets his ass kicked.

Planetary #26

Adan: According to Ellis, this is where it all comes together. Every last puzzle piece that’s been laid out over the past 25 issues finally comes together here. I won’t know if that’s true or not until I re-read all the previous issues. I suggest you do the same.

Laura: Elijah Snow and Randall Dowling have their final showdown in the middle of the desert, and what happens next is not anti-climactic. If you’ve never read Planetary, this might not be the issue to start with, but if you’re already a fan, you won’t need my encouragement. For what it’s worth, you’ve got it.

Secret Six #5

Adan: Gail Simone is writing the best character in the world right now and that character is the current iteration of Ragdoll. That guy is hilarious and I hope he never goes away. Frankly, I hope none of these guys ever go away. The Secret Six has been an awesome ride about bad people doing almost-good things. Sort of. Mostly they’re just trying not to die.

Laura: Secret Six is just OK, the comic book equivalent of something palatable enough to swallow, but a little too bland to really enjoy. Fortunately, the Mad Hatter is along to add some kick, and he’s the most enjoyable element of this issue, where Knockout and Scandal have some sort of falling out (but not really), sending Scandal running back to Papa dearest. But not really.

Seven Soldiers #1

Adan: Another book that requires re-reading everything that came before, mostly because it’s six months late, but also because Grant tends to go nuts sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I will bear his child if it is required of me, but the guy is batshit crazy, and sometimes too much of it gets into his stories.

Laura: I’m going to be honest. This is my first issue of Seven Soldiers, which maybe explains why reading it makes me feel like I just dropped acid and read the Metamorphoses, as written by Grant Morrison. Dense mythological histories and psychedelic, frame-breaking art shifting wildly from page to page make for a crazy ride. I’m sure it makes sense if you’ve been reading Seven Soldiers all along… right?