Comics From the 5th Dimension: What If WTF?! Part One

16 Jun, 2008

Comics From the 5th Dimension: What If WTF?! Part One

by Gavin Jasper of 4thletter!
As of this writing, there are 185 issues of Marvel’s What If series. For better or worse, I’ve read them all. I’ve seen Charles Xavier become the Juggernaut and take over the world in the name of mutantkind, only to be blasted into space as punishment. I’ve seen the Silver Surfer trick Mephisto so severely that now Mephisto suffers in Hell just as harshly as his subjects. I’ve seen Matt Murdock love Wilson Fisk like a father. I’ve seen the Living Laser take the mantle of Iron Man. Lots of awesome stuff.

But when you mess with alternate realities and writers of all kinds, you’re going to get some hiccups from out of left field. Here, I will give you the twenty strangest moments in What If history. Whether they are outrageous, disturbing or just plain stupid, they’re all bunched together here and ranked.

Keep in mind, I’m disqualifying joke stories. The comic where Thanos turns Galactus into Elvis Presley and sends him to Earth is one of my genuine favorite segments in any comic, but it’s supposed to be wacky. I mean, it features a scene where Galactus/Elvis asks Adam Warlock why he looks like a mango.

20) Frank Castle: Sorcerer Supreme
From What If Wolverine was Lord of the Vampires?

Long before the Marvel Zombies would eat the world in 24 hours, we have the blood-drinking Wolverine turning New York City into his own personal playground. With his army of vampire superhero slaves, he decides the best move would be to take care of threat of Dr. Strange. Not long after, Strange’s neck is snapped by a vampire Juggernaut. I guess I can buy a vampire Colossus breaking Juggernaut’s skin. Maybe.

Living through his magic cape, Strange seeks out Frank Castle, one of the last human survivors in New York City. The two team up via Castle wearing Strange’s cape and go on to kill a whole lot of meta-vampires. Some get shot down with silver bullets. Colossus is burned away with holy water. Frank tears off Storm’s batwings with silver-lined gloves. A silver knife decapitates Kitty Pryde. As for Juggernaut?

That’ll do it.

19) Odin’s Creepy Romance
From What If Jane Foster Had Found the Hammer of Thor?

As the title of the issue suggests, Jane Foster is the one who ends up in the cave while on the run from alien rock men. She discovers the staff meant for Donald Blake and strikes it to the ground, causing her to become Thor. Her costume is exactly like Thor’s, only her leggings are mysteriously missing. She even has the long, blond hair. She closely resembles Thor’s female appearance from Earth X.

By the end of the story, Odin takes Mjolnir back and gives it to Donald Blake, turning him into Thor and bringing back his memories. Jane is saddened to see Thor go into the hands of Lady Sif, but then Odin immediately starts hitting on her. He makes her into a goddess, they get married and Jane Foster rules Asgard as a queen.

There’s just something really disturbing to me about Odin courting a woman who was sort of just his daughter. At the very least, he’s turned on by a woman cosplaying as his son.

18) Archangel Goes Over the Edge
From What If…? Starring Archangel: Death and Disobedience

When Angel became Archangel, Apocalypse’s Horseman of Death, he was eventually brought back to sanity by the X-Men. This story deals with him rejoining the team while secretly still working for Apocalypse. As Apocalypse slumbers, Archangel plays his teammates like pawns. Any time Cyclops suspects Archangel of wrongdoing, he’d just play the betrayal card and whine about what the Marauders did to him until Cyclops left him alone.

Months later, Apocalypse reawakens and immediately realizes that things are amiss. Thanks to Archangel, everybody is dead. I’m not sure if “everybody” means the entirety of life on Earth or just all the major X-Men characters, but on monitors we see dead bodies all over the place, belonging all members of the X-Men, their villains and even the other three Horsemen.

But what really makes the scene creepy is Archangel’s new look.

Not only is there the dried up blood and the bone-sculpted wings, but he appears to be wearing only Wolverine’s costume as a loincloth. That’s just off-putting.

He then stands up, spreads his wings, puts on a golden skull mask and prepares to test if Apocalypse is worthy to survive.

17) Shard Dooms the Mutant Race… Somehow!
From What If Shard Had Lived Instead of Bishop?

The idea that violence begets violence isn’t a bad theme for a fictional story. The thing you have to do is show why. Prove the moral.

This issue decides not to. Shard goes and kills Magneto as a way to prevent the dark future she comes from. She succeeds and kills the old bastard, but of course the X-Men get on her case about it. Shard escapes and Xavier says that they’ll have to consider what the future has in store for humans and mutants.

Out of absolutely nowhere, the next and final page shows a dirty statue of Shard in an apocalyptic future with a plaque honoring her. According to the plaque, by killing the likes of Magneto, Shard inspired mankind to kill every single mutant. The area around the statue is completely littered with heads on pikes, dead mutants with holes in their heads and skeletons.

Uh… what? How did that happen?! So if a minority kills another minority, it’s suddenly open season? Is mutantkind fucked now that Wolverine’s decapitated Sabretooth?

I just don’t follow. It’s like they had the idea for the final page and ran out of space before they could properly explain it.

16) Uatu is a Jerk, Man
From What If Elektra Had Lived?

Frank Miller killing off Elektra was major, so it was also pretty major that he’d write the What If about her surviving her assassination attempt. I’ve found that this issue usually gets one of two reactions from readers. Some really, really like it and consider it to be one of the best issues of the series. Wizard even put it at #1 of their list. The others, like me, lift an eyebrow at the comic and wonder, “Why is Watcher such a jerk?”

Matt Murdock visits Elektra’s grave in the rain and mourns. Uatu shows up behind him, carrying an umbrella and goes into a monologue. Murdock does indeed acknowledge him enough to show that he’s more than just a big-headed Rod Serling this time around. He’s physically there and he’s talking directly to Matt.

The Watcher then proceeds to tell Matt a dull and uneventful story of what would have happened if Bullseye was shot in the head before he could escape prison and go after Elektra. The bottom line is that Matt and Elektra run off together and have a good life. Watcher then points out that that’s not reality and in reality, Matt is alone. There’s no moral or point to Watcher being there to interact with Matt. He’s just making him feel bad for the sake of being a dick.

He’s a cosmic figure with an important job. Surely he has something better to do with his time.

15) Galactus and Dazzler, Sittin’ in a Tree
From What If Dazzler Had Become the Herald of Galactus?

Back in the 80’s, Dazzler was like that era’s Squirrel Girl. Completely ridiculous design that could wipe the floor with just about any villainous challenge. But could even Dazzler tug at Galactus’ cosmic heartstrings? Why would somebody even ask that question?

One of the villains Dazzler took on back in the day was Terrax, Herald of Galactus. A What If issue was created where Galactus got rid of Terrax and forced Dazzler into taking that open spot.

Being so sensitive, Dazzler is horrified at Galactus destroying such beautiful planets. She still sticks to her guns and made sure to seek out only planets lacking in intelligent life. Although Galactus never says anything to her face, he is taken in by her charm. It helps get in touch with his old human self. Whenever Galactus acts like an omnipotent space god, he’s shown with angry white eyes, but whenever he acts humanly, he’s drawn with pupils.

So when Dazzler is shot down by a space armada, a blue-eyed Galactus shakes his fist and swears revenge. Then with white eyes, he proceeds to shrug off everything the armada can fire and fries them into nothingness. Upon awakening and hearing about what’s transpired, Dazzler starts crying. All her work to reach Galactus has been for nothing.

“Terrax swore he’d have his revenge and he has… because you’ve become as cruel, as heartless as he ever was!”

Dazzler returns to Earth to find that without her, everybody died. Riiiight. Then she comes to realize that she loves Galactus and he needs her just as much as she needs him. She goes off to find him and I turn the page to read the superior What If story about Iron Man ruling Camelot.

14) World Wars in SPAAAAAACE!
From What If Sgt. Fury Fought World War Two in Outer Space?

Oookay. Now here’s an odd one. Leonard Da Vinci’s genius ideas spent less time on paper and more time being utilized by the people of the Renaissance period. Thanks to that huge step of progress, mankind flew far further that normal and by the 1930’s, Earth is part of a galactic war involving evil red lizard people.

Somehow, Nick Fury, Dum Dum Dugan and the other Howling Commandos are around to take part in this. That’s kind of weird, considering such a butterfly effect would almost definitely prevent all of them from existing, let alone sticking together. Thinking about such a thing would cause me to go cross-eyed, so I’ll just accept it for now.

Yep. Even in their space suits, Dum Dum and Fury keep their cranial accessories in effect. Having that cigar in there certainly can’t be a good move.

Hey, if it’s in outer space, how does that make it World War II?

13) Talk to the Hand
From What If: Enemy of the State

Wolverine is already a pretty scary guy to fight, but by having some Hydra goons giving him the ability to teleport out of defeat and have him go after you when you least expect it is downright frightening. It’s no wonder that in this re-imagining of Millar’s Enemy of the State, he’s murdered almost the entire superhero population. Hey, at least Stamford is in good shape.

The issue is played like a slasher movie, with Wolverine going after the last major survivors: a two-limbed Captain America, Magneto, Invisible Woman and Kitty Pryde. He kills the first three, leading to an ending where he slashes at a phasing Kitty. He threatens her that she can’t stay like that forever and will eventually have to go back to a solid form. With no other choice, Kitty phases her hand into Wolverine’s head and makes it solid, just as he lops off her arm.

The result not only ends in both their deaths, but also the loss of my lunch.

No thank you.

12) You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Groovy
From What If Rick Jones Had Become the Hulk?

Screw this A-Bomb crap currently going on in Loeb’s Hulk series. The best gamma monster version of Rick Jones is, and always will be, the 70’s depiction of what would have happened had he tossed Bruce Banner into the trench before the gamma bomb went off. See for yourself.

Yes, now that Rick Jones is the Hulk, it means an unholy marriage between Rick’s teenage lingo and Hulk’s crazy caveman talk. Enjoy some quotes from the green teen.

Upon running into the army: “Soldiers… UNCOOL! Soldiers don’t fight fair! Use shivs… Heaters! So I am called ‘Hulk’, huh? Well, Hulk won’t rumble with soldiers… but will cut out instead!”

When Ant-Man suggests he and the other initial Avengers join up: “So Ant-Man wants to make us a combo, huh? Then Hulk will join the gang. Hulk needs a place to hang out.”

Being warned by Captain America that his strength may cause him to murder some Hydra goons: “Cap right! Hulk may be tough guy – but Hulk ain’t no bully! So leave Hydra bums to square hero!”

Fighting Annihilus in the… you know… this is just better without context: “Don’t jive Hulk with fancy lingo, Bug-Man! Hulk doesn’t dig it! And Hulk doesn’t dig you, Bug-Man! Doesn’t like getting choked! So Hulk’s gonna swat the Bug-Man like Rick’d swat some crummy fly! You hear the little weirdoes? They groove on Hulk pounding Bug-Man, they want Hulk to pound on you some more! Well, Hulk ain’t gonna let the weirdoes down—HEY?! What a bummer! Hulk’s back home – an’ wearin’ bracelets – like some chick! But where’s Bug-Man?! Hulk ain’t no sissy – won’t wear bracelets! Gonna smash ‘em right off!”

11) Closer Than Lovers
What If…? Starring Gambit: The Greatest Secret of the Marvel Universe Revealed!

The story of the issue has to do with Mister Sinister becoming like the Marvel mutant Animal Man, aware that we exist and that all the events in his world are the creation of writers. Unlike She-Hulk and Deadpool, who would just ignore it and move on, Sinister tries to free himself from the comic world using a handful of tithe boxes. At least, that’s what the big punchline twist of the story is.

Gambit is his agent in finding these boxes and it means turning against the X-Men to do it. We find that in return for his services, Gambit is given a serum that will negate Rogue’s powers whenever they touch. Gambit believes Sinister and drinks the serum, but kissing Rogue only causes Gambit to convulse.

Later we see Rogue confront Sinister and we find out that she has absorbed Gambit. Now, that’s a pretty normal thing in the X-mythology. In fact, you may be thinking back to Ultimate X-Men where Rogue did the same thing and looked fine enough. After all, adding the Gambit flavor just made her more exotic with the blackened eyes and such. But at least she was female!