Batman Confidential #1

Laura: Batman Confidential, what do you have to show me? The usual gruff noir voiceovers as Batman investigates crimes? Yawn. An evil lackey that gets killed at the last second before he can give up the name of his employer? Sigh. Bruce Wayne agonizing over his parents’ deaths? Again? Zzzz. There’s nothing here you haven’t seen a million billion times in Batman books, and usually done better. The only vaguely amusing thing is how Bruce Wayne bids for a defense contract against Lex Luthor by appealing to the government’s “conscience” and “mercy.” Oh, you naïve billionaire, you. Next, maybe you can pitch something factual to Fox News while appealing to their sense of “fairness” and “balance.”

Adan: That’s two Confidential books so far, and they both suck a lot. I couldn’t possibly contain my excitement for the third one featuring Wonder Woman. At least Whilce Portacio’s art isn’t horrible. It’s actually nearing his apex of StormWatch: Team Achilles. Andy Diggle on the other hand needs to jump ship as soon as possible and go write something like the Losers again because this isn’t doing it. The story is nearing Batman Begins levels of absurdity.

Jonah Hex #14

Laura: Jonah Hex is coming to town. He’s kind of like Santa Claus, except that instead of bringing presents and holiday cheer, he brings bullets and the cold embrace of death. As one man says when he sees Hex riding into town, “Better tell the Reverend to dust off his Bible.” I don’t know what makes people think it’s a good idea to start things with Hex, unless maybe they feel braver when it’s a whole posse against a single man. But they’re forgetting one thing: Jonah Hex will kill you. He will kill you all like he was shooting tin cans off a fence, and then he will smoke a cigarette through the hole in his face and think about what he wants to eat for dinner. They say hard times make hard men, and Jonah Hex is as tough as they come. This month we learn more about the events that made him that way, from his (literally) shitty childhood to his years living with the Apache. If you haven’t picked up any issues of this stone-cold spaghetti western, then this is a great time to jump on the wagon. Bonus: Palmiotti and Gray manage to go an entire issue without a brutal rape, which I totally didn’t think they could do. Kudos, guys.

Adan: Aside from the brutal rape scene, which was sorely lacking in my opinion, this book is still the best western comic currently being published. Hex is badass and he will show you every time some idiot with bigger balls than brains tries to one-up him. That said, you do have to admire those guys that start shit with Hex. They’ve got some mighty large grapefruits. Melons, even. A man with balls as big as that shouldn’t be able to walk, much less come up on Hex ready to throw down… those’re some damn big balls.

Justice Society of America #1

Adan: It’s the inevitable return of the first super-team in comics, and what are they doing? Alan Scott, Jay Garrick, and Wildcat are standing around a table deciding which heroes are going to be in the new JSA. Wait, what? This is the only narrative device we could think of to put a team back together, DC? Didn’t you just do this about three months ago with another top-tier super-team? What’s next? Vril Dox, Lobo, and Comet get together and decide who’s going to be in the new L.E.G.I.O.N.? Okay, but besides that, this book is awesome. I told you guys last week that I love Geoff Johns unless he’s writing Green Lantern, and JSA was probably the best of his DC series so I look forward to another awesome Society-Johns run.

Laura: Dunno how I feel about the old school triumverate of superheroes whipping legacy students into shape, but I do like Mr. America. A former FBI agent who left the force because he simply had more Justice to dispense than a badge could contain, he immediately started freelancing as a superhero detective for the same agents he’d worked with, his identity concealed only by a tiny, tiny blue eye mask and a cape. Seriously, other than that he’s just wearing a button up shirt and slacks! It’s kind of amazing. Anyway, I’m liking this character, and I hope he sticks around, especially since he’s the only thing I enjoy about the book so far.

Manhunter #26

Adan: Kate Spencer is back! Yay! Here’s a little-known tidbit about me: I love strong female characters, especially when they’re written very well. Tara Chace from Queen & Country, Starbuck from the new Battlestar Galactica, Sophocles’ Antigone, and many more. Yeah, I love Guy Gardner, but I also love the Manhunter. She’s taken a very tough case, but after defending Dr. Psycho, who could be tougher? How about another strong female character in Wonder Woman (who is only sometimes well-written). She’s on trial for the murder of Maxwell Lord, and she wants only the best for her defense. I wonder what kind of bonding experience they’ll have?

Laura: Despite being exonerated by the world court, Wonder Woman seeks out the legal services of Kate Spencer, who quite reasonably asks why Diana waited an entire year. We’ll pretend the answer isn’t 52, and rather that a federal grand jury is only now convening in America to try her for Lord’s murder. Kate Spencer agrees to join her defense, but for some reason feels the need to warn Wonder Woman that “I’m not going to kill anyone to help you.” WTF? Way to not throw that Maxwell Lord thing back in her face, Captain Overreacto. But hey, at least we get to see the two ladies throw down (for reasons that aren’t completely contrived).

newuniversal #1

Laura: No, I didn’t forget how to punctuate. The title of Warren Ellis’ new book is just all e.e. cummings like that, because Ellis is a funky guy. In the spirit of the original New Universe series, we find a world that looks much like our own (with a few significant deviations) where a handful of people gain incredible powers following a celestial incident known as “The White Event.” Ellis manages to introduce a pretty large cast of characters and keep it both interesting and minimally confusing. There are a whooole lot of plot threads here that need to get tied together later, but I’ve got faith. For extra easter egg fun, try to find all the celebrity look-alikes. There are quite a few pseudo-cameos by characters that just happen to look like famous people, including one of my favorite characters from Lost. (Hint: He’s a magnificent bastard, and his name rhymes with “lawyer”)

Adan: I’m not sure what Laura’s talking about with her pseudo-cameos, but I’m as blind as a bat, so don’t mind me. This is a pretty good first issue, with only a few slight problems (most of it comes from the fact that Communism has survived to the 21st century in this world, and their science is whooping our science; I call shenanigans, Ellis). I’ve never read the old New Universe stuff, although I’m told it wasn’t very good. Well, this was quite good, and will stay so as long as Ellis keeps writing it (or until he introduces the Pit). Larroca’s artwork is looking very Texeira-ish. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I do have a question: what’s up with that?

Nightly News #2

Laura: John Guyton is not a hero. He’s an anti-establishment extremist slash lunatic who believes the Voice of God is telling him to commit terrible acts of terrorism. The tree of liberty apparently needs watering, and Guyton thinks he knows where to get the blood: the media, whom he hates with a fiery but factually well-supported passion (there are many helpful charts). Guyton believes he is The Hand, God’s instrument of justice (if “justice” is defined as “killing lots and lots of reporters”), and so he has assembled the Cult of the Voice, a group of vengeful, malleable men ready to wreak havoc on his command. Although Jonathan Hickman claims to be somewhat apolitical, have no doubt: this is a radical book, in more way than one. Think Fight Club crossed with Brian Wood, to whom artist/writer Hickman has been favorably compared, and not for nothing. Composed entirely of eye-popping two page spreads, replete with pop-up factoid bubbles and numbered legends, Nightly News is a provocative visual treat that takes time to absorb. So get the first issue while you still can, and take it all in.

Adan: Are you serious!? You actually like this garbage? At least Brian Wood pretends not to be an anarchist/Communist. Apolitical my ass. All his little “factually well-supported” charts are about as accurate as the Da Vinci Code was. Hey kids, don’t bother fact-checking or looking up anything for yourselves because Jonathan Hickman will tell you exactly like it is. The United States government is bought and sold by Media Corporations on an almost daily basis and the Constitution is just a piece of paper and we don’t actually have to do what it says. A bunch of crazy cultists know what’s really going on and killing innocents is a good way to change the world (that last statement, while factually true, is morally wrong). I’m sure you’ve got more to say on this, sis, so I’ll wait for your well-timed retort before I go totally apeshit on this awful piece of trash.

Laura: Take a deeeep breath. In through your nose… aaaand… out through your mouth. Some of the points Hickman is making about the media are legitimate (though perhaps not all), but let’s be clear: Hickman is not advocating the murder of journalists or crazy cultish behavior or terrorist acts. He’s presenting them in a work of fiction, through a character that you’re supposed to feel ambivalent about. You’re not supposed to laud or embrace the terrible things Guyton does; you’re supposed to think about them in the context of the book as a whole. I know that very special rage you feel only towards pinkos, Adan, but I think you’re taking this far, far too much at face value. Also, it’s a beautiful book, no matter what your politics are.

Adan: “I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.” And the bonus round: What beautiful? It’s clip art with hair. This guy can’t even take the time to write his signs out on the signs themselves. Instead I have to read the footnote to see what each sign is supposed to say. This art looks like a third grader put it together with construction paper. Like South Park, only no where near as funny.

Laura: This is a really easy one to settle, folks: pick up the book. Pick it up in the store, open it, place the interior within your field of vision, and make your own aesthetic judgment about the art. It will not be difficult.

Spider-Man: Reign #1

Adan: Page 20, panel 3. Yes, Kaare Andrews is awesome. Yes, this is set in a dystopian future in New York City. Yes, super heroes have been outlawed. But none of that matters. Go to page 20, panel 3 and behold the height of editorial lapse in judgment, lapse in concentration, lapse in duty: Peter Parker’s Pecker! It’s right there! Go to page 20, panel 3 and behold the Spider-Penis! That’s it. That’s all I got. I was going to do this great write-up all about how this book was an analogue of current government fear tactics and a natural extension of the Marvel Universe if the Super-Hero Registration Act is not changed or overturned, but then I saw a penis in a Marvel book and I was done. An old, wrinkly penis! In a regular, non-MAX Marvel book! Avi Arad would be spinning in his grave if he were, you know, dead. According to the credits, the people responsible are Michael O’Connor and Axel Alonso. They let the penis go. It’s there. You can’t take it back now.

Laura: Oh, Peter Parker. It’s hard for me to see you like this: a lonely, broken old man, as good-hearted (and destitute) as ever, but bereft of friends, loved ones, and any sense of purpose. These days, New York City is run by a crazy fascist mayor that has kicked out all its superheroes, and the streets are policed by crazy brutalizing cops who (gasp) hurt children. Small children with puppy dog eyes that gaze at Old Man Parker and ask how he could let this happens, which doesn’t make any sense–why would you expect a brittle elderly man to do anything against gigantic thugs? Regardless, you know what’s going to happen: you’re going to see Peter Parker’s balls. Sorry, I meant to say that he’s going to become Spider-Man again. I guess I got kind of distracted by something. Probably Peter Parker’s penis. (Try saying that three times fast.)

Adan: Wait, all that happened in this book? Seriously? Wow, that penis seriously just broke my concentration entirely.

Tranquility #1

Laura: Many people have a dream of retiring, someday, to a small town where everyone knows your name and waves hello to you on the street. In the quaint, quirky town of Tranquility, lots people are living that dream—the twist is, they happen to be Superpeople (or “Maxis” are they are called. Go ahead, get your guffaws out now). From senile Golden Age heroes to punk-ass superteens, Gail Simone has populated Tranquility with a lively and very funny cast of characters, including Emoticon (grandson of old-school villain The Typist) who had me pounding the table with laughter. El oh el! Also in this alternate universe, Seduction of the Innocent was laughed off back in the 50s, and comic books subsequently became a $3 billion industry. Ah, comics. You truly are a fantasy world. Keep it up, Gail Simone, and you might just have a brand new fan on your hands.

Adan: The only original book to populate the WorldStorm, it is also hands down the funniest (sorry Grant and Garth). It’s also got the most heart. Yes, the Emoticon and his sideways-scrolling faces are funny, but Maxi-Man’s inability to remember the magic word that makes him into a super-powered phenom (think DC’s Captain Marvel or Miracleman) is pretty sad. How would you like to spend the rest of your life reading out of dictionaries in every language known to man just to try to find your special word? That’s rough, man. And the rest of this town is populated by other characters that are just as funny, just as pathetic, and are just as every adjective in-between.

Ultimate Vision #1

Adan: “My body is exquisitely designed for two things. Communication and propulsion.” So says the Vision as she prepares to leave Earth in a body that resembles a fully-functioning female in thigh-high boots and little else. Excuse me, is your finely-toned ass for propulsion or for communication? Oh, both? Pardon me for asking, then. After Spider-Penis, it’s almost impossible not to assume that Marvel has become a hard-core pornographic comic book company, or at the very least has been taken over by Jim Balent and now everybody’s clothes will magically disappear. The Vision certainly has knockers big enough for Jim Balent to enjoy drawing. Oh, and in case you’re keeping score at home, those big knockers are for communication purposes only. You know, communication like, “Can a guy buy a sexy lady a drink?”

Laura: Seriously, unless her boobs are detachable bombs or double as machine guns, they’re pretty indefensible. They’re indefensible anyway, but at least machine gun boobs don’t ask to be taken seriously. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible to sexualize a giant female C3P0 quite this much, and yet somehow they manage to do it. Sexy Female Vision encounters a bunch of creepy scientists that lure her to a space station, act generally sketchy and cavalier about human life, and then ask her to take part in a really dangerous experiment. Her wise and sensible robot answer: Sure! Jesus. Are you really that easy? If that’s the case, this guy at the bar has something he wants to tell you about a mirror in your pocket. Also, he has lost his phone number and needs yours.

Adan: Hey Vision, your propulsion systems must be taxed because you’ve been running around my head all day.

Laura: Also, your dad must’ve been a mechanic… ‘cuz you got all the right parts!

PCS’ weekly review/preview of the good, the bad and the fugly, courtesy of our resident Wonder Twins.

American Virgin #9

Laura: Adam Chamberlain, former virginity evangelist turned completely broken man, has had a tough run of it. The girl he was saving himself for, Cassie, got beheaded and possibly raped while on a Peace Corps mission in Africa, destroying his future and his belief system in one fell swoop. He says God told him Cassie was the woman meant for him, while her murderer says that God said to kill her. That’s what really makes Adam’s life fall down around his ears: the idea that maybe, just maybe, they were both talking to themselves. The boy of convictions has become a man of half-measures, who feints at sex and death, but can’t quite embrace either, if he can even tell them apart anymore. In summary, this is the best non-superhero book I’ve read all year.

Adan: Adam Chamberlain needs to pick a side already. Either you are a son of God, and therefore will leave things to His divine will, like the punishment of the dude who beheaded and raped your girl (like Job), or you are an unbeliever and you have to take things in your own hands (like Batman). This kid just fucking annoys me and is what’s wrong with most religious folk today: hypocrisy. Either believe the Word or stop spouting it like your very own soundtrack. I understand that traumatic events can really fuck with your beliefs, but c’mon, man! You’re kind of going schizo. And I don’t know if I care enough about you to, you know, care about you.

Laura: Let me paraphrase back to you what you told me about Chase last week: the man’s heart has been broken. If you’re ever going to doubt your faith, it’s when your one true love gets her head cut off and you have to personally retrieve it from a tree in some African village. Even freakin’ Jesus had his moment on the cross when he felt deserted by God, so I’m gonna cut Adam Chamberlain a little slack. You should too. The first and only trade is out now, and it’s called Head, and you need to get it. I mean… uh, yeah.

Adan: Yeah, but Chase was never a devout Christian man. You can’t just love God when it’s going well, man. If that’s the case, you never really loved Him at all.

Laura: Don’t say that. It’s not that he doesn’t love God anymore; he just needs some time and space now to reevaluate their relationship. Maybe he needs to see other Gods. But no matter what happens, what he has with God will always be special to him.

Batman/The Spirit

Adan: Hey, this was really good! Jeph Loeb didn’t suck! And Darwyn Cooke’s art is always excellent! Almost everybody that has appeared in either comic is here: Commisioners Dolan and Gordon, the Octopus, the Joker, P’Gell, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Carrion, the Cossack, Killer Croc, Barbara Gordon, Ellen Dolan, everybody! And they mix and mingle and it’s crazy fun. It’s been awhile since I’ve had this much fun reading a comic. Just grab the book. You’ll thank yourself after you read it. PS: the Spirit’s logo does show up in the artwork, so you’re covered there too.

Laura: Good times! Turns out I don’t actually hate Jeph Loeb unconditionally. I like this book for the same reason I loved Batman: The Animated Series: it takes the Dark Dark Knight and reminds us why it’s so fucking fun to love him. He’s the goddamn Batman, and Loeb does it better here than either Miller or Morrison could muster recently. I feel like I should burst into flames just for saying that. The truth hurts, people, but it’s still the truth.

Crossing Midnight #1

Adan: Ancient religious beliefs collide with modern life (no, I’m not still talking about American Virgin). And then modern life has to pay for it. What did I learn when reading this book: don’t promise your kids to gods you don’t think exist, because they just might, and then what are you gonna do? Luckily, your kids have super powers, so they might be able to defend themselves. Yawn. I didn’t care for this book, but I can’t really find anything wrong except for the excessive First Issue Exposition problem that most comics face (or, as we shall call it from now on, FIE). It just didn’t grab me. Maybe it’ll grab you.

Laura: Yeah… I dunno. A lot of this book seemed consumed with explaining how charming and exotic Japanese culture is, and that’s not actually a plot. If someone gave me the second issue for free I might read it, but if that’s the attitude your readers come away with after issue number one, you’ve probably done something wrong.

Green Lantern #15

Adan: Holy plot threads, Batman! Geoff Johns introduces not one, not two, not three, but four separate story threads in this issue of Green Lantern, while continuing the Amon Sur hiring bounty hunters to take out Hal arc (aka Wanted: Hal Jordan). Some of you may remember the rant from a couple of years back in which I decried Johns’ handling of Jordan’s madness (which only continues to this day, by the way, with that recent Revenge of the Green Lanterns garbage). But today, in this issue, Geoff Johns actually hits one out of the park! Don’t get me wrong: I love Geoff Johns… when he’s writing anything but Green Lantern. His GL run has sucked frozen monkey titties. Until today (and I guess the issue before this wasn’t that bad, either). Way to go, Geoff. Keep this shit up and I may forget all about Green Lantern #4.* And poor Ivan Reis. I still stand by the fact that Ethan Van Sciver is the Green Lantern artist of our age, but Ivan Reis tries to prove me wrong everytime he draws a ringslinger. Keep it up. Until today, you were the only reason I kept reading this title.

Laura: “A wave of pheremones hits me harder than a 12-pack,” says Hal Jordan when he encounters the sexy sex-powered superheroine, Crimson Fox. It turns out a woman is like a beer, just like Homer Simpson told us all those years ago. Crimson Fox is French, but apparently can’t speak French very well from her total inability to order adjectives properly, which is sad for her. That’s about all I have to say. I don’t care about Green Lantern. It’s all right though, because Adan cares enough for the both of us.

Guy Gardner: Collateral Damage #1

Adan: And now, for a real Lantern! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the most bigoted, racist, misogynist, and manliest of all Green Lanterns, Guy Gardner! And even for all his faults (and there are millions), he will still ride in and save the motherfucking day. Do you know why? Because he’s Guy Gardner. Guy Gardner doesn’t ever fuck around; he gets right to the point. If he wants to take you back to his place for a little R&R, he ain’t gonna be subtle about it. He’s gonna tell you right out. You need him to save a bunch of neutral aliens in the path of two warring peoples by brokering peace? He’s gonna ask you what’s in it for him. And if you say nothing but rainbows and sunshine, he’ll still do it. But don’t for a second think he’s not going to find something the benefits him, especially if the representatives of the two warring peoples are hot. And G’nort, I think I liked you better when you were an idiot. And if you think Guy Gardner cares if you read his book or not, he doesn’t. But he is going to think you’re a pussy for not reading (and if you bring up that Batman-one punch thing, he’s going to kick you in the face). FYI, Guy Gardner is the leader of my own personal JLA: the Jerky League of America, comprised of such stellar jerks as Asuka Soryu Langley, Dr. Gregory House, MD, the Black Spy (that guy’s a dick), and many more. Wanna join up? Then go punch a puppy and we’ll talk.

Laura: Guy Gardner is Guy Gardner, and you either love him or hate him. And Adan loves him. I mean, really loves him. And I’m trying to do some sort of psychoanalysis of why he has this overwhelming man-crush on such a jerk, but the truth is that I tend to fall for guys who are jerks too, so maybe I shouldn’t cast stones. Actually, that’s nice. That’s something we can share… our love of charismatic assholes. Oh, and the story is kind of ridiculous (Guy Gardner as an intergalactic arbiter??) and the art is borderline bad, but you heard me before. Guy Gardner is Guy Gardner, and you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.

Immortal Iron Fist #1

Adan: Why is it blue-eyed rich white guys always make the best martial artists? Curse you, brown eyes, small bank account, and… okay, I’m pretty white (but my heart will always be Aztec), for denying me the opportunity to be like Batman, Chuck Norris, and Johnny Cage. I could have been a contender. But enough about my dashed hopes and dreams, let’s talk about Iron Fist. That dude sure can beat the crap outta people. And he doesn’t need any stinking booties. Yeah, I’m talking to you, John Byrne. Do you know why he doesn’t need any booties? ‘Cause he’s not a fucking man-child like you are. He’s a bad-ass motherfucker (apologies to Sam Jackson), while beating Hydra out in the streets and while beating Commies in the boardroom. And while we’re on the subject of bad-ass motherfuckers, let’s talk about David Aja. This guy can draw. He can draw all kinds of awesomeness. He could probably do it in his sleep. His panel progressions rock my meerkats pretty hard. And you will find a pair of bad-ass motherfuckers in Bru and Fraction. These kids can spin a yarn better than your Grams on Knittin’ Night. However, there is a small bit of confusion in their scene jumps, but I must chalk it up to the FIE. Do yourself a favor and buy this awesome book. Pissing off John Byrne is a beautiful fringe benefit. Oh, and also, fuck Communism.

Laura: He is the Iron Fist. He holds back the storm. Something is holding back this book from being great, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun read and everybody seems to love it. It just doesn’t come together quite as well as I would like, and it’s almost more frustrating because it’s so close to being good. Maybe it’s this FIE Adan keeps talking about. Fie on you, FIE.

Onslaught Reborn #1

Laura: I’m going to say right up front that I’m not a big fan of Jeph Loeb’s writing. Or Liefeld’s art. Or the Onslaught storyline. So really, I wasn’t expecting much from this book, and not much did it deliver. In fairness, Liefeld’s art is better than it used to be, if you ignore that one picture where Sue Storm suddenly has scary football player shoulders. Anyway, the writing is bad. Like, tack-it-up-on-a-bulletin-board-as-an-example-of-what-not-to-do bad. Onslaught is back, and he’s seeking… you guessed it, revenge. Zzzzzz. Franklin narrates a lot, which you can tell because he uses lots of conversational fillers like “y’know” and “y’see,” and describes the Negative Zone as “a place you’ve got to know to know, you know what I mean?” It’s all part of that special dialect spoken only by adults who try to simulate how they imagine children talk. Also, Franklin refers to M Day as “genocide by magic, I guess.” I guess! Wow, magical genocide—destroying an entire race of people has never sounded so enchanting.

Adan: Hey, why did the comic book character cross the road? Because it wanted to get away from Rob Liefeld’s impossible perspective. Hey, if you continue to let Rob Liefeld draw you with your mouth open in every single panel, you will catch a fly and it will not taste good. Hey, are those Bucky’s ridiculously long legs as drawn by Rob Liefeld in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? …I could write a whole book with the material that Rob Liefeld gives me. And while I have no love lost for Jeph Loeb (who will ruin every single ending to every single story, it seems, except for Batman: The Long Halloween and Batman/The Spirit), Franklin Richards is not narrating. It’s actually the aforementioned Heroes Reborn Bucky. Sorry to call you out like that, sis, but you’re just plain wrong. I can understand your mistake, though. You don’t find out that it’s Bucky until the very end, and you probably couldn’t stomach it for that long. It’s cool, I understand. And those of you schmucks who just gasped and are bitching that I provided no spoiler alert for the fact that girl Bucky shows up in the end, what the fuck is wrong with you? Where are your goddamn priorities?

Laura: Yeah… you got me. I can only blame my total disrespect for every single page of this book. I think I checked out somewhere during the Onslaught vs. Thing battle that seemed to take up half the book, which in reality would take about .5 seconds because it’s fucking Onslaught versus the Thing. God, my contempt for this book is overwhelming.

Powers #21

Laura: It’s nice to be reminded that there was a reason I used to like Brian Michael Bendis. It’s another head-popping issue with Detectives Walker and Pilgrim, as those with more power than wisdom make some rash decisions, and then lots of people die. For some reason, Bendis and Oeming always manage to make that mean something, or at least make it feel ugly, rather than exciting. And although this isn’t the best Powers has ever been (that was the Forever trade, for the record), I’m still on board. It’s sad to think about how good it might have been if Bendis had spent more time with it, rather than spreading himself thin across various Marvel titles, but regret is an unproductive emotion. I still care about these characters, and I’m still waiting to have my socks knocked off again. I may be waiting a while, though, so at least I’ve got a book to read.

Adan: Wow, used to like Brian Michael Bendis? When did that happen? You don’t have to lie to make friends, you know. You’ve loved that bald little man since fucking Jinx, and don’t you lie. You’ve defended that man everytime I can remember. Although, to be fair, this series is good. It’s got its low points every once and awhile (and would it kill Oeming to not draw a naked dead chick for one arc?), this one is not one of them. Powers start dying off left and right, and the coroner starts stacking them like cordwood (he even comments to Pilgrim and Walker that they should really get on that). It’s fun and it’s cool and an iPod shows up. What more could you possibly ask for from Bendis? Oh, right: Quit making all your characters talk like goddamn twelve-year-olds! On the upside, the coroner is fucking cool. He’s Batman cool, but with sarcasm. In fact Bendis, LAAPPAS has demanded it: More coroner!

Laura: I can tell you the exact moment that I stopped loving Brian Michael Bendis unconditionally. It was New Avengers #20, right after the dead of Genosha reanimated, and I thought things were going to get awesome, but instead they became lamer than I ever imagined. That voice in Magneto’s head was telling him to “say my name” which conjured all sorts of creepy sexual imagery, which was fine except that it climaxed with Magneto yelling “XORN!” Xorn?? Why, Brian Michael Bendis? Why? I believed in you. I believed in us. I thought that we had something really special. I guess I was wrong.

Tarot Witch of the Black Rose #41

Laura: Tarot Witch of the Black Rose is everything that is wrong with comics. One cover features a sexy witch sucking on a sentient candy cane with cartoon eyes and floating hearts and I… I don’t even know if I can keep a straight face here. There are a lot of terrible puns, naked women getting pelted with snowballs, and at least one cat-woman giving out random handjobs. I’m not sure what else to tell you. The best part of the book is hands down the unintentionally hilarious letters section at the end, which reads like the worst fanboy bulletin board ever. The fans opine about how some people see all the distended bosoms and hairless pussies and characterize Tarot as an adult comic… b-b-but it’s not! And they’ve got a point. It’s not a comic for adults. It’s a comic for fatuous man-children who have no hope of ever seeing a woman naked again. If such is your lot, I won’t judge you for reading Tarot. Ha ha, just kidding. I’ll still totally judge you.

Adan: You know who’s a fatuous man-child? John Byrne. Zing! Two in one column. Huzzah! But seriously folks, Jim Balent, what the fuck? Remember when you used to draw Catwoman? That was some good times, man. Now you gotta do this bullshit where chicks with big titties and shaved mounds get naked in one improbable manner after another (a fucking window hook catches a dress? Seriously?). And the worst part about this horrible, horrible book is that I get the feeling that Jim Balent totally believes this Wicca bullshit (how many religions can I piss off in one column, kids?). There’s a goddamn spell at the end of the book that is supposed to relieve nightmares. “Best time to cast: waning moon; Wednesday; in the hours of Mercury.” Best time to burn this book: fucking always.

Zombies vs Robots #1

Adan: Okay, hands down: Most awesome title ever! The story isn’t great and the art blows (it’s Ashley Wood, after all, master of the murky pencil that obscures all), but it’s fucking robots versus fucking zombies! Look, I can already promise you that this won’t be like Aliens vs. Predator, where all I wanted was two hours of Aliens fighting Predators (was that so much to ask? Even Batman fought the fucking Predator, I couldn’t get a goddamn Alien to do it?). This first issue already has tons of Robots fighting tons of Zombies. It’s great. It’s not as great as a real Aliens vs. Predator movie would be, but it’ll do in a pinch.

Laura: I anticipated the shit out of Alien vs. Predator, so much so that I when I saw the movie I actually convinced myself that I liked it a little bit, despite its many, many failings. The worst part was when the hot chick and the Predator had that Moment where their eyes met and she was like, “We can do this together, Predator! Our powers combined!” For a second I thought they were actually going to develop a romantic subplot with the two of them, which might have saved the movie in a twisted, twisted way. But back to zombies, which we can’t seem to go a week without discussing. Zombies vs. Robots is a great concept, and much like AvP, I want to like it, but I can’t. The robots preface all their statements with tags like “Interrogative” and “Query” (note: same thing) to illustrate how very robotic they are, and then act weirdly emotional and petty about their illogical robot hierarchy. I’m not interested in your internecine robot drama, and I can’t imagine why anyone would program you to have it. I kept wishing the book would be more like We3, and make its non-human characters talk in a believably non-human way, but the closest it came was the zombie speech bubble containing a picture of a brain. More of that, please? More braaaaains and fewer robots that are more annoying than most people.

*No he won’t. The grudges are all that keep the fire in his heart burning like a white hot sun.

Amazing Spider-Man #535

Adan: Let me get this straight, I need to read Civil War #5 AND #6 in order to understand this story? Well, sucks to be me ’cause Civil War #6 is about two months away from being released. Ah well, at least I get to read May being all feisty again. How this woman is living without arthiritis, osteoporosis and a diaper is beyond me. On the upside, we find out what happens when Tony says “Spider-Armor shut down” (eagle-eyed readers will remember me complaining about this in last week’s Civil War #5 semi-pick). We don’t find out what happens when the Punisher saves Peter, though. We have to read the Punisher for that. It’s like Marvel put all these pieces of the same story in different books on purpose. What a crazy world that would be, huh?

Laura: Tony Stark and Spider-Man continue throwing down, but then suddenly we cut away to a much later scene, which Editor’s Notes say will make sense after we read Civil War 6. I guess not much happens in #6, because just about everything feels like retread until the last three pages, which were good, but not worth a dollar a page. At least Spidey finally gets rid of that ass-ugly red and gold costume, which I like only for the reason you might like banging your head against a wall: cause it feels so good when it finally stops.

Casanova #6

Adan: Remember how much you love Fell? Well, meet Casanova. It’s just as awesome as Fell: It’s a cheap date (only a buck ninety-nine), contains none of that obnoxious decompressed storytelling bullshit (Matt Fraction could write ‘War and Peace’ in two pages and still keep the emotional breadth and depth if he had to), has beautiful art found nowhere else on Earth (Gabriel Ba is the best thing to come out of Brazil since thongs), and has more stuff inside it than a Taco Bell Seven Layer Burrito (after the awesome story, Matt tells us exactly how he came up with that particular issue, which is usually hilarious). So go get it.

Laura: This book is really good, and really weird. If this is your first issue of Casanova, it may not make sense to you. That’s OK. This is my sixth issue and it still doesn’t make sense to me, but I love it. Tracking down the back issues is highly recommended, as it helps you appreciate all the layers on which this high-concept mindfuck is fantastically bizarre, but if you don’t have the patience, then just jump in. In the closing notes, Matt Fraction compares writing Casanova with accumulating items in an old school adventure game, to which I say: PICK UP BOOK.

Drain #1

Laura: Reading Drain is a lot like reading Harlan Ellison’s personally scripted legal complaint against Fantagraphics—so hilariously preposterous that you think that surely this can’t be serious; it must be some sort of deeply ironic form of self-mockery—but the great part is that it’s not! Drain is about a sexy man-killing vampire ninja who also happens to be a (spoiler alert) lesbian. A sexy lesbian. And she’s seeking revenge! It kicks off with a decapitation and a non-ironic double entendre about head, following by a shot of our sexy vampire ninja lesbian licking blood off her looong blade. Yeeeah. If it’s not already an obvious wankfest, they decide to take us on a visual tour of her different roles throughout history, including sexy nurse, sexy geisha, sexy pirate, sexy cowboy, and sexy pop star. What, no sexy witch? What kind of Halloween party is this?

Adan: Oh man, this book is so bad, it gets good again just long enough to get bad again. And Laura already told you why. I’d tell you to go buy this and enjoy the gut-wrenching laughter you will experience, but I’m afraid it will only embolden our enemies. So go steal it instead.* I won’t tell.**

Heroes for Hire #4

Adan: See, what Drain tried to do and failed miserably at, Heroes for Hire excels at. Two bootylicious heroines who don’t take no shit from nobody. Sure, Misty Knight and Colleen Wing are impossible women with boobs and hair and the whole nine, but they will also kick your ass for staring at their boobs instead of listening to them. And that doesn’t even matter because the best character in this book is not a set of Ds in skin-tight spandex who will punch your teeth out for saying bad stuff about their mommas. Nope, it’s a small, gnomish kinda guy that talks to roaches. Humbug is the guy you’d want in your corner no matter how gross you thought he was. And the second best character in this book is Otis, the girl’s invulnerable secretary. That’s two ugly, almost useless characters that Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray have managed to turn into fucking rock stars. Way to go, guys.

Laura: Strong characters and balls-out style certainly go a long way, but between the creepy/funny baby fetish scene and the vicious tragedy later in the book, I couldn’t decide whether or not to take the book seriously, or just ride the wave from cover to cover. What happens to Tarantula actually makes a pretty good case against the Registration Act, so it’ll be interesting to see how that unfolds. I’ll keep reading solely on the strength of Humbug and Shang-Chi (Master of Kung Fu), and of course it’s always a pleasure to see Misty Knight, even if it does make Beyonce songs circle on an endless loop in my brain.

Noble Causes #25

Adan: The big 2-5 hits the Noble family and they take the opportunity to go on a little joyride through time. Liz Donnely-Noble is careening farther and farther into the future and she’s slowly piecing together what her family will become. Unfortunately, every time period is drawn by a different guy and it just takes right out of the comic. I’ve been reading Noble Causes since it started and I mostly enjoy it. But this issue is definitely not the one to start with. There’s too much history that plays into Liz’s glimpses into the future and not enough consistency from the artists. After the surprise ending, next issue should be a much better jumping on point for new readers.

Laura: This was my first issue of Noble Causes, and I had kind of no idea what was going on. Liz, the apparent matriarch of a super-powered family, starts running so fast that she travels through time to different points in her family’s future. Figuring out who was who and what was what while the main character was doing the same thing made for a rocky reading experience, but no harm no foul. Do what Adan says and check back later when this will all (hopefully) make more sense.

Pirates of Coney Island #2

Adan: The pirates finally show up and there is much Arrr-ing. Anything Rick Spears writes, I will read, and that’s saying a lot. Rick has my utmost trust and he’s never let me down. The best part in this issue: the nautical terms the pirates use while driving around Coney Island. And how they get their food. And what the new kid wears at the end. You know what? The whole fucking book is great. It’s fun and you won’t find anything like it on the rack. Permission to come aboard is granted.

Laura: It’s fun watching kids play pirates. I’d like it better if they were doing it in a creek or a treehouse or a backyard instead of creepy abandoned buildings in Coney Island, but some children have tougher lives than others and they should still get to play. Bright, candy-colored art and sympathetic, believably weird little kids make this worth a read, particularly if you feel like picking up something different than the same Spider-Man vs. Iron Man fight from twenty different angles. It gets extra points for mentioning my personal hero, Takeru Kobayashi. Anyone who can eat 53 hot dogs in twelve minutes and still have a six-pack deserves all the name-dropping he can get.

Runaways #22

Laura: Happy birthday, Chase. You’re 18 now, which according to our somewhat arbitrary laws makes you an adult. Except that you hate adults, so now you’re wondering whether you should turn into the only kind you’ve ever known: an evil one. I know becoming the thing you once hated is a sure-fire way to dial up the angst, but compare and contrast with Nico, who is carrying the mantle of leadership with grace and strength, despite her insecurities and incredibly pointy hair. Instead of turning into her parents, she has decided to turn into a Final Fantasy character, but she’s still one up on you. Her power lies in innovation, in growth and change, while your power lies in dragging around your dead girlfriend’s psychic dinosaur like a giant, snarling albatross of grief, and generally acting like a selfish prick. Two words, Chase: grow up.

Adan: Harsh, L. The kid has known true love, and then lost said true love. That’s bound to make anybody go a little batty. Give it time, he’ll come around. Or do something profoundly stupid to get that true love back. One or the other. The point is, you shouldn’t mock an obviously hurting man. Although major points for your awesome wordplay. Yes, it was at the expense of our poor Mister Stein, but it was some damn fine wordplay.

Laura: Aww, now I feel kinda bad. I know it hurts, Chase, but buck up. Just about everyone gets their heart broken into little tiny pieces at one time or another, and the good news is that eventually you’ll put it back together again. Just not exactly the same way it was before. In the meantime, try not to be an asshole.

Walking Dead #32

Adan: The best zombie book in the world is starting to lose its luster. To be honest, it lost its luster when Rick told us all that he and his merry band of merry men were the walking dead (in a full page panel focusing on his face as he screamed it for the firmament to buckle and the heavens to shake, no less). Now there’s this town with a crazy governor who feeds newbies to the zombies (for entertainment purposes only, of course) and Rick has to be all manly man in the face of batshit crazy again. And I’m almost totally done with this whole genre again.

Laura: Did a zombie eat your mother, Adan? From whence comes your irrational hatred of the undead? At least this book isn’t simply a sightseeing tour of the body’s internal organs; for the moment, it’s about the stupid, terrible things that living people do to each other for no reason, with the threat of zombies lying dormant in the backdrop, ready to jump out and attack whenever you least suspect it. This is why people are supposed to bond together against a common foe, instead of fighting each other like idiots. The zombies take you all.

Adan: My mother was a zombie and I’m just sick and tired of seeing all this racism towards Undead-Americans. Not every single zombie is a head-eating jackass who says nothing but “Brains” all day. A little respect, jeez.

Laura: There’s a very easy joke here about your mother and eating head, but I’m gonna let it pass me by. Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.

Wonder Woman #3

Laura: Who is Wonder Woman? Just about everyone except Diana, apparently, including special guest Hercules, who seems pretty pissed off about her year-long vacation from championing Olympus. He has rather some choice words reserved for her “Agent Prince” persona as well, for which I would like to high five him, because I’m sick of it too. I know it’s she’s trying to be sly with her hair buns and her silly pink glasses, but I’m tired of the Clark Kent School of Superhero Disguise, and I’m tired of this tedious foreplay. It’s issue #3 of Wonder Woman, and I still haven’t seen Wonder Woman, so wake me up when she gets here.

Adan: There are three Wonder Women in this book (I counted twice just to make sure) and the best thing about it is still a dude named Nemesis. That guy don’t fuck around. He’s balls nasty. But back to the real question here: how many times are you going to use that Wonder Man joke, Heinberg? Because if that’s the best you got, I’m leaving. And one final point: Dr. Psycho is in like three different books, and he doesn’t match in any two, much less all three. Same goes for Cheetah. See, I caught that on my lunch break. Where’s my money, DC? More importantly, where are your fucking editors?

X-Factor #13

Laura: At any given time, I imagine that the members of any supergroup are consumed by varying levels of barely concealed dysfunction and grief, given their penchant for tragedy and betrayal. Unfortunately, they’re usually too busy rushing from one apocalypse to another to talk about it, but this month X-Factor devotes an entire issue to head-shrinking, peeling open the layers of each character and letting them fall apart. What we learn is that no matter how strong and beautiful and invulnerable they may seem, every single one of them is wounded, terrified, and alone. Every single one of them is looking for something to hold on to in the midst of utter chaos, trying desperately to keep it together, one day at a time. In short, they are people—and they are just like us. Standing ovation, Peter David.

Adan: Yeah, really. It’s David’s best… well, best anything, probably. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything better by David (although keep in mind I didn’t read any of his Hulk stuff and that’s supposed to be phenomenal). All of X-Factor’s member get interviewed. The Doc even goes across town to look up Quicksilver because why not. He used to be in X-Factor so you might as well. And the new regular artist Raimondi is super cool. I love his renditions of the entire team, especially his Pietro. It’s probably his best character design, so I hope David writes him in a lot more often.

*LAPPAS does not condone thievery of any sort, so knock that shit off.
**Oh yes he will. You know why? ‘Cause he’s a fucking narc.

While some manga lovers routinely cross the aisle at their local comic book store to snag the latest X-Men, others run screaming from the room at the mere mention of Magneto. I used to be one of those comic-phobe manga-philes. It wasn’t until my husband introduced me to Sandman and The Red Star that I realized the term comic book denoted a much wider range of stories and subjects than just the standard Marvel and DC superhero series.

Finding titles that resonate with my manga-loving sensibilities has been something of a challenge, however. I’m still not a Superman fan, nor do I have the desire to read all 427 permutations of the Batman myth. (Yes, I did like classic Frank Miller treatment, so please don’t flood my mailbox with hateful comments.) My guess is that there are other seasoned manga readers out there who are curious about that long wall of floppies on the opposite side of the store, but share my aversion to spandex. So from time to time, I’ll post a run-down of recent releases that might tickle the fancy of all those InuYasha, Monster, Crying Freeman, and—dare I say it?—Fruits Basket fans who’ve wondered, “Would I like Mouse Guard?” (The correct answer, by the way, is “Yes!”) Why should you take my word for it? For lack of a more elegant explanation, because this CLAMP-loving, Tezuka-worshipping, Kazuo Koike fiend likes them.

Fables: 1001 Nights of Snowfall

By Bill Willingham
DC/Vertigo; 144 pages

With so many respected reviewers singing the praises of Bill Willingham’s Fables, it’s hard for a neophyte to add a fresh perspective to the discussion. But I’ll do my best. Fables revisits favorite childhood characters—Snow White, Goldilocks, Rapunzel—and re-imagines them as refugees living and working in modern-day New York City. (Talking animals have been relegated to a private farm upstate so as not to draw unwanted attention to the Fables’ presence in the Big Apple. Given New Yorkers’ general indifference to one another, though, this seems like an unwarranted precaution.) The series documents the political intrigue and social unrest within the Fables community as they face repeated encroachment from an opponent known as The Adversary. Along the way, we’re given glimpses at famous and not-so-famous characters’ backstories: think “True Hollywood Story: Big Bad Wolf Edition” or “A&E Biography: Three Blind Mice” with flashes of wicked humor, cultural commentary, and genuine heartbreak.

The stand-alone volume Fables: 1001 Nights of Snowfall is a gorgeously illustrated riff on the Arabian Nights. Dispatched to a distant sultanate, Fabletown ambassador Snow White is imprisoned; to avoid meeting the business end of a blade, she resorts to telling the sultan stories about her fellow Fables, Scherezhade-style. Her tales range from slyly comic to Grimm-ly gruesome, and flesh out the background of Bigby Wolf, Old King Cole, the witch from Hansel and Gretel, and the Flycatcher (a.k.a. the Frog Prince). For manga lovers who don’t normally cotton to the artwork in American comics, 1001 Nights will be a revelation. DC has assembled a crack team of illustrators with distinctive styles that run the gamut from photorealism to Art Noveau. This lovely anthology reminded me of my favorite picture books—but with unmistakably adult content.

Daughters of the Dragon: Samurai Bullets

By Justin Gray, Jimmy Palmiotti, and Khari Evans
Marvel; 144 pages

My other recent comic book fixation is Daughters of the Dragon. This goofy series resurrects two minor figures from the Marvel pantheon: Misty Knight, a take-no-prisoners bounty hunter in the Tamara Dobson/Pam Grier mold, and Colleen Wing, her assistant and an expert in… wait for it… martial arts! (No!) As you can guess from the size of Misty’s ‘fro and the hilt on Colleen’s sword, these two characters trace their roots to the heyday of blaxploitation and kung fu films. Yet Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti manage to shake the dust off these unpromising characters, using them to poke fun at a range of C and D-list villains and heroes from the Marvel-verse. True, the plot isn’t memorable, and our heroines deliver their karate chops while wearing some seriously impractical outfits. (Note to Marvel: tight pants do not facilitate sky-high kicks.) But Gray and Palmiotti’s crisp writing redeems the creakier elements of DOD. The dialogue is pure B-movie bliss—every threat or awkward situation is met with a perfectly-timed comeback or a tart exchange between the leading ladies. It’s pseudo-feminist escapism at its best.

Next month: Archaia Studios, home of the world’s fiercest mice and steampunk samurai—in color.

Astonishing X-Men #18

Adan: My review in one word: Disappointing. What the crap, seriously. This is the most obnoxious ending to a storyline since Maggie Simpson shot Mr. Burns. The only cool parts: Cyclops shooting the bad guys with what looks like a Glock, and that girl with the bubble armor whooping ass right alongside Percy Dovetonsils. The rest of it was paint-by-numbers Whedon with what, again, I can only call an obnoxious ending.

Laura: In the first three pages, Cyclops picks up a gun and shoots Cassandra Nova in the head. Stone cold, Scott Summers, and for about 10 seconds I’m in love with you, but of course Whedon is just kidding. Oh, how he likes to kid! Beast gets cured by a magic ball of string, Wolverine gets cured by beer, and it’s all very Joss Tweedon and I’m sick of it. Cutthroat Emma suddenly hates herself for being alive–and she totally should, because she’s a really bad person. Scott tries to call out the tiny violins, though, and blame it all on Cassandra Nova, which is kind of crap but whatever–we’re going into space! Next stop: Breakworld, and if we’re lucky, a better issue.

Astro City: The Dark Age Book 2 #1

Laura: It’s time for a trip down memory lane, to a bleaker, uglier time in Astro City’s past. Kurt Busiek’s world takes a turn for the gritty, spiraling down into crime, corruption, and darkness. It’s kind of a cross between New York in the 1970s and Gotham Central, with a dash of Powers for spice. If you haven’t read the Astro City books, please start now. It’s everything a superhero book should be, and it makes me ashamed of all the times I settled for mediocrity just because it happened to wear a cape. Expect more, and read this.

Adan: Holy crap! I’ve never read any Astro City before in my life, but I have to start immediately! What the hell was I thinking!? This is really good! Kurt Busiek can write like nobody’s business. The bit with the Street Angel character was really, really good. This book is a study on the grim and gritty era of comics and I can only assume it’s get gonna get even better!

Checkmate #8

Adan: This book is starting to lose its luster. Don’t get me wrong, I still love it, but now we’re in the “I know you too well, and some of that shit is starting to bother me” phase. Espionage with superpowers, chess motifs, unacted upon love, and some pretty broken people. Again, while I still love the hell out of this book, it’s main function is quickly becoming to remind me how inferquently Queen & Country ships.

Laura: It’s interdepartmental turf war time, as the Department of Metahuman Affairs (DMA) puts their hand on Checkmate’s side of the car seat and screws with one of their ops, sending everyone into crazy tantrum mode. Since the op involves Kobra, this book features the requisite attacking people with snakes, and I always wonder why villains think that’s such a great idea. What if they don’t bite the guy when he opens the suitcase? You’re going to look like an idiot, and all because you wanted to get flashy and thematic. You know what’s better than a snake? A bullet, asshole. Feel free to write this down.

Civil War #5

Adan: Hey, wow! This was actually pretty good! The Punisher comes back and joins a side (I’ll let you find out which one on your own), but that side kind of maybe doesn’t want him. Certain heroes start swtiching sides faster than you can say flip-flopper and the Thunderbolts get unleashed. The only two things that really bothered me about this issue: why doesn’t Stark just say, “Spider Armor shut down,” when he’s fighting Spidey, and why doesn’t the mask get immediately ripped off the recently captured hero at the end of the issue since that’s one of the major points of the Registration Act. Not enough to make me hate the main plot points like last issue’s letter by Sue. Man, that was awful.

Laura: Spiderman realizes just how hard he’s screwed himself for Tony Stark, and then the real screwing begins. The moment he stops playing ball, the government sics subsidized supervillains on his ass, which gets kicked faster than you can say “sucks to be you, Peter Parker.” Bet you’re regretting all those nanites in your bloodstream now, huh? Next time don’t trust the smarmy manipulative gajillionaire who wants you to sell out. Hey, at least you can finally lose the red and gold costume; consider it symbolic of your decision not to be a dumbass anymore.

Daredevil: Father #6

Laura: Man, what is this crap. There’s a lot of psychobabble about fathers and sons and fathers and blame and fathers, most of which only vaguely makes sense. It turns out serial killer Johnny Sockets is The Last Person You’d Suspect: the abused wife! Oh, the surprise. She thinks her killing spree is all Matt Murdock’s fault, and Matt Murdock thinks it’s all her dad’s fault. Guys, let’s review: only one person was murdering people and cutting out their eyes, and her name was… well, Johnny Sockets, which is a dumb name for a killer, but an awesome name for a robot.

Adan: If you’ve been sleeping under a rock for the last year, don’t worry, ’cause you didn’t miss anything. This book is later than a two-dollar whore who forgot her contraception. And frankly, if you’ve been under a rock for your entire life in relation to this book, good for you. When you’re grabbing books off the rack, walk right past this thing because it’s no good. Get back to E-I-C-ing, Joe.

Fell #6

Laura: How many times do they gotta reprint this book before you read it? It’s only $1.99, so skip your fancy coffee this morning and BUY IT. Richard Fell and Mayko finally go on a sort-of date, which might have been romantic had it not involved feces, pedophilia, and Munchausen syndrome. All of which is based on a true story, reminding us that the real world can be just as ugly as Snowtown, although fortunately, real life is not rendered in the skin-crawling art of Ben Templesmith. Unless maybe you are Rob Zombie and are tripping balls.

Adan: Let’s review: 1) You love Warren Ellis (I know you do because you’re buying Black Gas even after I warned you); 2) You love Ben Templesmith (c’mon, you all bought that crappy ’30 Days of Night’ nonsense because of him); 3) You love cheap comics more than you love cheap booze (although some of you are riding the fence). Skip every other book on this list if you have to (except Astro City; pick that up too) and buy this book.

Ms. Marvel #9

Laura: It’s Ms. Marvel vs. Ms. Marvel vs. Rogue, as Carol Danvers confronts a slightly lazier version of herself whose alternate world ended because she was too busy getting wasted to save it. Carol throws an enormous supertantrum where she punches herself repeatedly in the face, screaming that she sickens… herself. Ah, the self-loathing is strong with this one. Maybe she and Emma can start a club for imperious blonde superheroines who don’t love themselves enough.

Adan: This is the best therapy session I have ever been a witness to, and it’s hilarious to boot. One Carol Danvers drowns her problems in alcohol and ignores Avengers Priority Distress Calls (at one point she says, “The world needs saving again. Someone better get on that,” and continues drinking). The other Carol Danvers deals with her problems by punching them in the face repeatedly, even when those problems are herself. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: messed up superheroes are hilarious.

New Avengers #25

Laura: The hatred that Tony Stark inspires in those around him is truly remarkable, and in this issue it finally comes back to bite him in his metal ass. The former employee (and friend) who designed his armor technology is so incensed by its use against the anti-registration heroes that he basically decides to blow everyone up. Hey, if comic books have taught me anything, it’s we’re all just one traumatic event away from becoming dangerous villains fixated on revenge. And for the record, Bendis, semantic is not a verb. It’s the kind of thing you might know if you were, say, a genius like the guy who says it. Does anyone even pretend to copy-edit these books?

Adan: HA! I assume they’d have to pretend, otherwise they’d lose their pretend jobs. The other thing Marvel pretends to do is have a cohesive universe with a cohesive continuity. Go read Iron Man #13, also out this week, and compare exactly how Stark is offered the job of a lifetime. Do those two scenes even begin to coexist in a reasonable universe? As Alan Kistler (historian extraordinaire for Monitor Duty) and I were discussing recently, Marvel (and really every comic book company) should just let us edit their books. We’d do it for a lot cheaper and catch a lot more mistakes. We already read most of the comics they put out and catch this stuff on our lunch breaks.

Omega Men #2

Adan: Hurm… Kind of like Mystery in Space (I can hear Jason now), only without the back up story to help them along and slightly more superhero-y. There’s some weird space cult thingy that’s taken over the Spider Guild as well as the vast majority of Manila, capital city of the Philippines. The Omega Men are trying to stop it, but Vril Dox, head of L.E.G.I.O.N. and the Guardians have other plans. What those are, only those blue little Smurfs seem to know. If it isn’t immediately apparent to you guys, I’m liking a lot of this space adventure stuff DC’s been putting out lately (even, God help me, Ion), and more of it is usually better. Although I’m not entirely sure about this art yet.

Laura: Uh oh, it’s a Superhero Misunderstanding™! And much like one’s first night at Fight Club, that means you HAVE to fight. Preferably without talking or giving anyone a chance to explain themselves before the head-cracking begins. Superheroes, you are a doomed species. Also, I don’t really care. Next.

Supergirl #11

Adan: What a horrible piece of garbage. What the fuck, Joe Kelly? I used to love you, man! Supergirl wants to join the Outsiders because she has a crush on Nightwing, and to prove what a badass she really is. Also, Boomerang’s lust for a sixteen-year-old is really quite skeevy. Even more skeevy: Kara’s the one who calls him on it and then crawls over and rubs up against him. Eww. Also, Joe Benitez needs to work on his… I was gonna say faces, but then I realized all his art was kind of off. So Benitez needs to work on his art. P.S. Joe Kelly, I still love you. Just stop writing Supergirl. It’s making you look bad and I know you’re better than this. Remember Deadpool? Those were good times, man.

Laura: Kara tries to team up with the Outsiders because she wants to belong, or maybe just bang Nightwing, but who can blame her! That man is ridiculous hot. Grace thinks she’s too retarded to join up (she is), but then Kara uses foul language—OMG!—and after everyone picks their jaws up off the floor, they concede that she is truly a badass. Because this is The Babysitter’s Club, and we are all twelve. Since swearing means that she has clearly proven her mettle, she and Grace are sent undercover as superpirates, where Kara learns that there’s more to being a tough guy than just dropping F-bombs. Then she *cries* and is useless, because she is a bad superhero, and this is a bad book. Do yourself (and your estimation of Joe Kelly) a favor, and put it down.

I’ve been doing this column for over a year! That would be hard to believe, if it weren’t for the enormous amount of manga that now crowds my bookshelves. Today I’ll take a look at several OEL (aka “World Manga”) titles, all from Tokyopop, in honor of the recent release of Dramacon volume 2. I reviewed Dramacon volume 1 in November last year.

Fool’s Gold, Vol. 1

by Amy Reeder Hadley
distributed by Tokyopop

Who would like this book: Younger girls, probably from ages 11-15
Who would hate this book: Boys. My boyfriend.

I had been looking forward to Fool’s Gold after seeing some sample pages at New York Comic Con earlier this year. Of all of Tokyopop’s OEL titles, Fool’s Gold had the best looking art (even better than Dramacon, in some ways). Fool’s Gold hit the streets on July 11th and I picked it up immediately.

Fool’s Gold is the story of a girl named Penny who is more interested in designing original clothes for her aunt’s store than in keeping up with her schoolwork. When Penny’s best friend is hurt by an untrustworthy boyfriend, Penny turns the school Geology Club into a secret organization of girls who identify cheating/lying boys at their school blacklist them as un-datable. Or more precisely – in order to fit in with the geology theme – the girls name jerks “pyrites,” or fool’s gold. In a short amount of time Penny has created a high school dating utopia where girls at the school are no longer attracted to jerks.

Penny used to be a loser at her high school, but thanks to her Geology Club she is suddenly in the center of the social scene. Will she go mad with power? The Geology Meetings seem to be quickly devolving into McCarthyist witch hunts.

I have almost no complaints about the art of Fool’s Gold. The style isn’t trying to mimic Japapnese manga, there are no “super-deformed” moments or ill-placed giant sweat drops. The only art complaint I have is a minor one – Penny just doesn’t seem expressive enough. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what she’s thinking or feeling. However, that could be the artist’s intent. I’m not entirely sure that the audience is supposed to know what Penny is thinking at any given moment.

I’m more weirded out by the fashion in Fool’s Gold. Penny wears some fairly outlandish things to school – outfits which I’m sure could’ve gotten her beaten up at the high school I attended, or at the very least excommunicated. It’s no wonder Penny was upopular before she started her male witch trials (or in this case, warlock trials?).

At another point in the story, Penny’s younger aunt digs out Penny’s mother’s old clothes and they take turns dressing up “retro” wherein retro means the leggings of 1990-1991. I remember those days of unwise fashion well, as I was in 6th grade in ’91. I found it somewhat jarring that Penny’s mom could’ve been a teenager when I was in junior high – just like how it was jarring to hear Pearl Jam on a classic rock station in 1998. Later in the book Penny and her friends dig out the old “puff paints” and decorate some clothes. I’m no fashion mogul, but I’m pretty sure that puff paints were never really in style, and have never and will never be cool. Somehow I can believe the plot of Reborn but I can’t believe puff paints could be cool in any context.

My biggest complaint about Fool’s Gold is that it can be hokey at times. The “pyrite pirate” dolls that Penny’s cronies hang up in honor of jerks are well drawn, but I can’t help thinking how corny those dolls might look in real life. The wronged girls take turns throwing darts into the dolls while chanting:

“You fooled me once,
But that news is old.
I swear to shun you…
Fool’s Gold!”

I don’t think I could get my high school friends to say that chant sincerely. Perhaps we were all jaded hipsters who wouldn’t sink to that level of sincerity.

Even though I have a lot of complaints about the fashions in Fool’s Gold, and some questions about it’s poetic merits, I don’t have complaints about the plot. It is fairly compelling and I will check out volume 2. I could totally see a school library shelving this. If you are a younger reader interested in reading more domestic work, Fool’s Gold is not a bad place to start. Dramacon may have had higher highs and lower lows, but Fool’s Gold is a very even read.

Steady Beat, Vol. 1

by Rivkah
distributed by Tokyopop

Who would like this book: Junior high kids, probably 11 to 14-year-olds (cover age rating is 13+).
Who would hate this book: Girls who aren’t me. People willing to overlook the art. Texans?

Steady Beat has a strong premise and a poor everything else. The art is very novice, and the plot unfolds in an awkward way. I can imagine that in a few years, with more practice, “Rivkah” might put out a book that I would enjoy, but I suspect that book will not be in the Steady Beat series.

Protagonist Leah finds a love letter to her sister Sarai (I’m not sure how to pronounce either name, maybe that makes it more manga-like, or maybe it’s a Texas thing). The love letter turns out to be from another girl. Is Leah’s sister secretly gay? That would be enough of a plot on it’s own, nevermind that Leah and Sarai live in Texas – and nevermind that their mom is a Republican Senator and this might be OMG controversial.

In my opinion, there is plenty of conflict in finding out as a high school student that one’s sibling is gay. How will the rest of the family react if and when they find out? What is Sarai going through? How does Leah feel about all of this? How will their peers at school react if the secret gets out? I went to school in a small rural community where it was not OK to be to be openly gay. My friends who were gay struggled every day at school with unaccepting classmates and teachers and dealing with their parents reactions at home. There is a story about gay high school students waiting to be told in manga/comic form, but Steady Beat is sadly not that story.

We don’t get to find out the inner turmoil of Leah’s family because Leah quickly gets entangled in a series of bizarre hijinks that sidetrack the real meat of the story. Leah goes to meet a mysterious person alone in the park – a risky enough scenario without talking to a bum on the way. Did I mention this scene is happening at night? You’ll want to keep that in mind since there is very little indication within the artwork itself that the scene is happening at night, in the dark, although this is important to the plot. The bum who confronts Leah speaks in one of the worst lettering decisions I’ve seen in any graphic novel. It looks like he (she?) is speaking in the “Sand” font, one the fonts I loathe most. As Leah tries to escape from the horrifying genderless ugly-font-spewing bum she gets hit by a car.

Leah wakes up in the home of Elijah, a hot teenager living with his stereotypically gay step-dad/veterinarian named Paul. There’s already a lot wrong with the story at this point. Having characters who otherwise wouldn’t cross paths meet via car accident seems painfully contrived. Additionally, Leah is no longer driving the plot forward as the protagonist. Stuff keeps happening to her, but she is not driving the action forward. This makes for a weak narrative.

I’ve read some shoujo manga (Absoulte Boyfriend) that skimped on the backgrounds and used larger panels and more screentones and bubbles in lieu of detailed art, but Steady Beat is a much worse offender. The toned backgrounds seemed forced, the large panels seem like time-saving shortcuts. If I knew more about drawing anatomy, I’d swear that the characters were disproportionate at times. The way the eyes are drawn in “anime-style” just doesn’t seem natural. Rivkah is only 25, and she probably drew this a couple years ago as her first book. I’m sure Rivkah’s art will only get better in the future, but she could’ve used more help for volume one. To be fair, maybe she was really rushed, maybe she had a terrible editor, maybe it wasn’t Rivkah’s fault so much as Tokyopop’s fault.

The book itself is about 192 pages, but it is deceptively thick – it includes a two page ad for the next volume, nine “sketchbook” pages with commentary, six pages of ads for other books, and a 33 page preview for Mark of the Succubus, which comes out next month (wow, I’m not interested in the Succubus). So there are 50 pages of “extras” that have little to do with Steady Beat.

Plastered all over the webpages about Steady Beat and the back cover is the boast that Rivkah won “Manga Academy’s Create Your Own Manga” competition. In light of how Steady Beat turned out, I would like to see a competition for “Best Manga Editor” and read the winner of that contest instead.

Van Von Hunter, Vol. 1

by Mike Schwark & Ron Kaulfersch
distributed by Tokyopop

Who would like this book: Webcomic comedy-fantasy fans already familiar with the Van Von Hunter universe.
Who would hate this book: Most people not covered above.

My first exposure to Van Von Hunter was their winning short in Rising Stars of Manga volume 1. The Van Von Hunter short was hilarious, and the art, although clearly not professional, was pretty decent. I even liked it better than the Grand Prize winner of the first contest. Apparently the creators had had years of experience publishing gag comics on the web.

I was given a free copy of Van Von Hunter by Tokyopop as an example of a book toned entirely with the Manga Studios 3.0 software. Maybe Van Von Hunter is a poor example of the software’s abilities, as only one thing stuck with me as I read volume one was that every shape, every character design, and even many of the backgrounds, are made up of closed lines. Allow me to explain: Whenever you use the paintbucket tool, say in Photoshop, or even older software like Paint, the lines you are trying to color between need to be closed. You could use the paintbucket tool within the letter “O” for example, but you couldn’t use it to fill in the space inside of the letter “C” because the lines don’t meet. It’s an open shape, so the paint bleeds out and covers the entire canvas. There are absolutely no open shapes in all of Van Von Hunter – not even in the characters’ hair! Once I noticed this detail it drove me crazy and I couldn’t focus on the book at all. I understand that closing all the shapes must save a lot of time in their production process, but their art really suffers from the restriction.

Volume one of Van Von Hunter is not even a fraction of the amount of funny as the Rising Stars entry. Even a random sampling of their early webcomics turns up funnier jokes. I suspect the authors tried to move away from gags in order to build a plot arc that would cover three volumes, which is exactly what Tokyopop wants from all of it’s OEL authors. The three-volume arc might work well for something like Fool’s Gold, but it seems like a big mistake for Van Von Hunter. I would much rather have read a compilation of their gag comics from the original webcomic than the plot they came up with for these books.

Interestingly enough, Van Von Hunter was syndicated in newspapers for six months last summer – but only the gag strips. In the end, I suppose that Van Von Hunter is probably OK for a webcomic, but I’m really not into webcomics.

Action Philosophers: It’s All Greek to You

Laura: The Stoics say that God is in all things, which means that God is in the gyro on the cover of Action Philosophers, which is making me totally hungry. Whether you find the interior palatable may depend on the type of person you are. If you’re not particularly interested in ideas, or perspectives different than your own, then go right back to the fights and tights and forget we ever had this conversation. This covers a lot of ground in 28 pages, ending on a high note with my personal favorite, Epictetus. I’ll be honest: Some people might be bored by this book. But then again, you might discover an entirely new way of looking at life. Others may develop an intense craving for Greek food. Regardless, it’s only $2.95.

Adan: Easily, the funnest way to learn about philosophy. This issue tackles the Pre-Socratic thinkers, Aristotle, and Epictetus the Stoic, all Greek thinkers. And yeah, most of what these guys say is pretty basic and not at all comprehensive, but that’s why they have a recommended reading section at the end of each book that’s pretty good. But you don’t read funny books because of their recommended reading section, you read them ’cause they’re funny, and this book is funny.

Annihiliation #4

Laura: The Annihilation Wave is coming, and Earth’s superheroes are too busy with their Civil War reenactments to pay much attention. With Galactus himself on his knees, who can possibly stop Annihilus before he makes the universe a graveyard and crowns himself its king? Apparently, the answer is Thanos. And if the Mad Titan thinks you’re an evil lunatic who needs to be stopped, you have some serious, serious problems. But like Moondragon says, anyone who didn’t see this whole end-of-existence thing coming probably should have been paying more attention to the crazy guy’s name.

Adan: Vietnam in space, kids. That’s what this is. An unwinnable war fought by heroes and villains using suspect tactics on our side against an evil, unstoppable force. The only difference is those horrible Commie bastards came to our house and are whooping our asses. Nova, Gamorra, Drax the Destroyer, and Peter Quill are going to use Viet Cong tactics, tactics that helped them win that war. Will it help us now?

Batman #658

Adan: Oh, Grant, why have you forsaken me? This ending to “Batman and Son” is not good at all. I can’t even defend Grant because of his usual obfuscation. This just sucked. The kid was a jerk and after beating Robin nearly to death and decapitating a criminal, Batman not immediately sending him to prison is kind of ridiculous. So, again I ask you Grant, why have you forsaken me?

Laura: This is probably the weakest issue of Morrison’s run so far, and not even Man-Bats can save it. Last issue’s cliffhanger saw Alfred and Robin on the receiving end of Damian’s ultraviolence, an act only narrowly preceded by his cold-blooded slaughter of a criminal. After some obligatory hand-wringing and a stern rebuke, Batman… lets it slide? Seriously? When Wonder Woman took a life with the whole world hanging in the balance, Batman told her where to shove her warrior ethics, and totally dropped her out of his Top 8. But when Damian decapitates a C-list criminal and stuffs his head in a duffel bag, he gets a father-son rocket adventure into space? Wow. Maybe if he’d actually killed Robin, they would have gone to Six Flags.

Bullet Points #1

Laura: Marvel says this isn’t a What If? story, but they’re lying. And why pretend? What If? stories were great, and here we get two-in-one for six issues. Solid writing and thoughtful recharacterization casts Steve Rogers as a weakling in invincible armor and Peter Parker as a juvenile delinquent with some oversized anger issues. What If Steve Rogers Became Iron Man? What If Peter Parker Became the Hulk? The answer is probably that I will read about it.

Adan: Hey, thanks J. Michael Straczynski. The first time you said it, I wasn’t too sure about how a bullet changes history. Then you went through all those historical moments, and I was believing you a little more. Then you said it, I don’t know, 53 more times and I guess I just had to believe you ’cause you just beat me over the head with your goddamn point! More importantly than that is your assertion that every bit of your story flows from Dr. Erksine’s (the creator of the Super Soldier serum) murder occurring 24 hours earlier. Really? The US government has the Iron Man technology in WWII even though Tony Stark won’t invent it until Vietnam? Ben Parker is killed in the States as an MP defending Erksine even though he’s supposed to be an infantryman in Europe? Yeah, i like my What Ifs when they make sense, Jay Mike.

Laura: Admittedly, he will not shut up about this ONE bullet and how ONE bullet changes the world. Really, they should just admit that a bunch of stuff is different—no Ben, more advanced armor technology—rather than hanging the entire title on the hook of a fairly thin conceit. Still, this is an entertaining story if you can suspend your disbelief about that OOONE bullet. And you read comic books, so I’m pretty sure you can.

Eternals #5

Adan: I’m not sure what’s going on here. Can Neil Gaiman still write? I think so, so the problem must be me. I just don’t get it. There are two groups of Eternals (one of which just showed up out of nowhere) and they seem to be on opposite sides of a conflict over a… sleeping Celestial? Are they actually after the same thing? I don’t know. Maybe someone will post some kind of annotated notes sometime in the near future.

Laura: It’s not Neil Gaiman’s fault that you haven’t been paying attention. It is his fault that he didn’t exercise very good time management. Ikari is finally awakened as a full Eternal, Sersi regains her memory, and things are just starting to gain speed. Unfortunately, it’s the penultimate issue. Should have put the pedal down a little sooner, Gaiman. And no, driving 200 mph in the last issue will not make up for it.

Frank Richards Happy Franksgiving

Laura: This book is freakin’ hilarious. With shades of Calvin and Hobbies (though none of its subtle highbrow edge) FF wunderkind Franklin Richards and his robot sidekick get into one predicament after another, including an accidental trip to an alternative poultryverse where the FF have turkey counterparts that are kind of like their zombie counterparts, only with more wattle. Please, buy this book.

Adan: She’s right. This book is freakin’ hilarious and it does 100% more wattle than any other book you’ll read this week (or possibly ever). If you don’t think that’s a resounding endorsement, you guys need to get out more.

Stormwatch Ph.D #1

Adan: Hey, with WildStorm’s very own Crisis… excuse me, Worldstorm, some things are different, some things are the same. Thing One that is different: Warren Ellis’ awesome death of Stormwatch has been undone. The Aliens did not kill most everybody on Skywatch: Winter, Fuji, and Fahrenheit are all still alive. Thing One that is the same: Skywatch has been destroyed or has been made somehow useless and Thing Two that is the same: the UN/US has slashed their funding, so Jackson King has to find new ways of making Stormwatch a feasible superhuman response unit. The fun in this series should come from that, but this issue was too much of an intro. I was introduced to the situation and the characters, but that’s all. The action better pick up in the second issue.

Laura: I like the notion of a cost-cutting superteam of humans, but color me slightly unimpressed with the execution. It’s all pretty cookie-cutter and contrived so far, as mostly unremarkable characters behave in predictable ways. A few have the potential not to bore me, but Adan’s right–the second issue better come back strong, or they’ll never get the chance.

Tales of the Unexpected #2

Adan: Like Mystery in Space, Tales is a non-super hero book with two stories in one book. Unlike Mystery in Space, these two stories seem to not be connected at all and are about supernatural elements. The main story features dead Det. Crispus Allen battling God’s Wrath in the Spectre for control of their otherworldly powers, who they consider sinners and how best to punish them. The back-up story features Dr. 13, the DCU’s only skeptic of all things supernatural, and this to me is worth the price of admission. It’s hilarious to watch a guy who lives in the same world as Eclipso and the Spectre deny everything that is magical.

Laura: Crispus Allen used to be a detective in Gotham Central. He used to be a husband, a father, and a good man. Now he isn’t any of those things; he isn’t even human, and it kills him. So to speak. It’s not easy being an avenging spirit of death, and after watching terrible, inhuman acts 24/7 for a little too long, Allen wants to commit some terrible, inhuman acts of his own on the bad, bad men of Gotham. Fortunately, he’s the Spectre, so that really works out for him. Also, I love that his big redemptive gesture at the end involves helping people get laid. I had no idea ghosts were willing to help out with that.

Warren Ellis Black Gas 2 #1

Adan: Ho hum. It’s another zombie book. Yeah, it’s written by Warren Ellis, but who cares? Zombies eat people and people try not to get eaten. It’s the same thing i’ve seen in every zombie product, ever. And it’s not even written well like Walking Dead is. It just is what it is, and that’s another zombie book. Do you get it yet? Wait, let me put on my JMS hat a little tighter: you’ve read this book before! It’s zombies eating people! Zombie! Zombies! Zombie Highway! Escape of the Dead! Walking Dead!

Laura: I like this zombie song you sing, Adan. Sing it again! In truth, I don’t think I “get” the whole zombie thing. I’m not sure what it is about the undead and their mindless, unholy hunger that so compels people. Still, it’s Warren Ellis, so if your craving for zombie is equal to their unstoppable craving for your face, go ahead and pick it up. It’s no Zombie FF, but what is?

Wisdom #1

Adan: This book is also hilarious (man, that’s three and a half out of ten; not bad, comedy)! Pete Wisdom, head of Great Britain’s MI-13, the supernatural division, must repel a fairy invasion with a Skrull, half a telepath, a renegade fairy, and Captain Midlands! Fuck yeah! Watch out Oberon, Pete Wisdom’s coming to kick in yer fey teeth all the way down to yer fey arse!

Laura: England is being terrorized by fairies, so Pete Wisdom and his newly-banded team of misfits travel to the collective unconscious of the U.K., or the Otherworld, to show them what’s what. The writing is very British; it’s also totally disjointed. Dialogue doesn’t flow, so much as it jumps around randomly from panel to panel. In this vein, we get one of the most disturbing splash pages ever towards the end of the book, mostly because it comes out of absolutely nowhere and amounts to being flashed by Pete Wisdom. TMI, sir. TMI. I think I liked you a lot better when you were banging Kitty Pryde.

Adan: You’re crazy. It all flows well, including your so-called TMI scene. It makes sense and it’s funny. What more do you want? At least he’s no longer a statutory rapist like he was when he was banging Kitty Pryde (Warren Ellis is a dirty, old man, isn’t he?)

Laura: What more do I want? I want Pete Wisdom to get a haircut. And then I never, ever, ever want to see his treasure trail again.

Sorry for the delay folks. Halloween was Tuesday night and we all got sick on candy and booze. There are still rainbows coming out of me from places I’d rather not discuss in mixed company. Here are your picks, pans, and scans; a day late, but more informed. – Adan

Agents of Atlas #4

Adan: 60′s spy awesomeness with 60′s ex-superheroes and a giant bolly gorilla man. This book has fun written all over it. A goddess of love, an unfeeling robot, a Uranian space traveler, a long-thought dead underwater princess, the aforementioned gorilla man, and Jimmy Woo, secret agent extraordinaire. This is a roll call for everything that was awesome about sixties’ fiction all here in one book. Get it, read it, fall in love with it. Now.

Laura: The man doesn’t lie. I read it this month, and I fell in love with it. Your turn.

Criminal #2

Laura: Our anti-hero, Leo, likes to talk a lot about the rules, and how they’re the only thing that keeps you alive in the world of crime. And yet, for two issues all we’ve seen him do is break them, so it’s no real surprise when the plan goes sideways in a hail of bullets and betrayal. But hey, who wants things to go according to plan? Not Ed Brubaker. That man loves the noir, loves the heist, but most of all loves the backstab and the twist of the knife. There aren’t many people who do it quite this right.

Adan: And that’s why I’m not sure about this book yet. Leo spends two issues telling me exactly how not to get screwed on a heist and proceeds to completely ignore himself and then gets screwed on a heist. listen, Bru, I like you, a lot (wait for the X-Men bit later), but I’m gonna need less telegraphing and more, you know, suspense. On the upside, I love Sean Phillips more than I love Mint Chip ice cream, and I love Mint Chip ice cream.

Incredible Hulk #100

Laura: The awesome Planet Hulk storyline continues, as Caiera the Oldstrong finally flips off the emperor and joins with “The Green Scar” for a little smashy smash of their Imperial overlords. His comrades wonder if he’s their prophesied savior, and so do I; he seems more at home here as a gladiator-turned-freedom-fighter than he ever did back on Earth. This jumbo centennial issue also includes a few Hulk reprints and a brief Civil War tie-in, where Reed Richards begins to reap a little of what he sowed with the whole shooting-his-friend-into-space-with-no-warning thing. Richards gets called a “monster” repeatedly, which is supposed to be ironic, but really he’s more of a douche. Not that I’d be opposed to shooting him into space, were I given an enormously powerful ejection seat and a shiny red button to push.

Adan: The only Hulk storyline that I’ve ever given a damn about it. I have no interest in a character that does nothing but get angry and smash things, but put him on a planet with a bunch of weird-ass aliens, start a little revolution, and throw in a little Messiah complex and I am hooked. I also love the fact that this centennial issue has a this Cho kid who’s trying to bring the Hulk back to Earth. And pay extra attention to those silhouettes at the end of the second story. I think I know who “Hulk’s friends” are.

Justice League of America #3

Laura: JLA #3 suffers from Heroes syndrome, which is to say it has an army of characters with interesting stories to tell, all of which come marching into your face at once. Black Lightning! Green Lantern! Red Tornado! BatmanWonderWomanSupermanHawkgirlVixenWTF stick with a subplot for five seconds so I can process the last four scene changes you threw at me. This would have been better as two books, but you only get one, for roughly half the fun.

Adan: Oh man, does this new iteration of the JLA suck. First off, where the hell do Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman get off deciding who’s gonna be in the JLA? Why doesn’t every other hero in the world just get up and go, “Fuck you guys! Where the hell were you last year, you bunch of dicks!” Also, when exactly is this taking place? Is that Trinity nonsense in the past and the Red Tornado stuff later? By the way, who honestly cares about the Red Tornado and when the hell did Batman start using cute little nicknames? “Reddy,” for fuck’s sake? Meltzer, go write more derivative “Da Vinci Code”-type novels and leave the comics writing to the professionals.

Love Roma, Vol. 4

Laura: In the opening panel of the Love Roma series, a blunt, earnest high school freshman named Hoshino walks up to his classmate Negishi and says, “I like you. Please go out with me.” And so begins their relationship, a hilarious high school romance founded on absolute honesty. In a startling departure from the genre, Love Roma chronicles a clear-eyed first love sans the constant melodrama and contrived misunderstandings that make most romantic comedy insufferable. One of the few manga that understands true love is neither a series of dramatic poses nor a series of pratfalls, Love Roma is Kare Kano with none of the shoujo affectation and twice the laughs. Pretty much anyone who even vaguely likes manga–or fun–should be reading it. If you’re too embarrassed to read it openly in front of your buddies, just slip it between the pages of an All-Star Batman and Robin. No one will question why you’re laughing.

Adan: Laura is totally right about everything in this book. The only thing I disagree with is that you should not be embarrassed to be seen reading this. Would you be embarrassed reading any other superbly wrought work of art? No, you wouldn’t, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed about this either. If any of your friends question your masculinity, just punch them in the face and continue reading the supremely cute adventure of Hoshino-kun and Negishi-chan.

Mouse Guard #4

Adan: The best part of this issue is the medieval style story in the middle, telling the tale of the Black Axe. It’s gilded and each page starts with this huge, ornate letter and there are pictures. It’s awesome. and all those little mice brandishing swords fighting other animals is freaking adorable!

Laura: Yes, they’re all mice, and it’s kind of adorable that they’re brandishing swords in a medieval fantasy world, but the fact remains that Mouse Guard is perhaps the most human drama on the shelves. The “aww” factor quickly takes a backseat to the heroism and dignity of these noble mice as they risk all to warn Lockhaven of the traitor’s army marching for its gates. Gorgeously drawn and utterly absorbing, this book is easy to love, whether you’re seven or seventy. Anyone who feels differently should probably examine his soul.

Mystery in Space #3

Laura: The plot of Mystery in Space sounds really cool, and looks even cooler. Unfortunately, the writing manages to suck the awesome right out of it. Life or death situations and brilliant, jaw-dropping space explosions are matched up with Captain Comet’s stilted, detached narrative like a bad Japanese dub, making the whole affair flat and difficult to connect with. Still, it’s not like you need to connect with the fireworks to enjoy the 4th of July. Just don’t ask the pretty lights to tell you a story much more meaningful than KABOOM.

Adan: I really like this book and I really want to see it succeed because the comic racks need more pulp and non-superhero stuff, and it gets more credence if one of the Big Two publishes it, but a $3.99 price tag is almost ridiculous (the only saving grace is that we get the extra the Weird story after the main Comet story) and Laura’s right: the voice over narration is almost too painful. The actual dialogue is good, and the plot is intriguing, but Comet needs to stop pretending he’s Phillip Marlowe; or better yet, get better at it.

She-Hulk #13

Laura: The Living Tribunal, a being of unimaginable power who maintains the cosmic balance of the universe, decides to intercede… in a date rape trial? Really? I didn’t know the omnipotent cosmic entity cared enough to run an appellate court for sex crimes. Perhaps he feels it gives him the common touch. She-Hulk is entertaining as usual, as everyone goes running around in Thanos’ brain, and Starfox gets totally screwed, but not in the way he likes. Sucks to be you, Starfox. DO A BARREL ROLL!

Adan: Hey, a video game joke. How very droll. The Living Tribunal being asked to preside over a date rape trial didn’t immediately penetrate my skull, now I know, and that’s pretty funny. ‘She-Hulk’ has long been one of the funniest titles on the rack, although this one is somewhat of a low point. But hey, the Living Tribunal is presiding over a cosmic date rape trial and cosmic date rape is always funny.

Laura: I can’t tell whether you’re actually getting on your feminist high horse, or if you’re laughing too. Also, when did you get too cool for video game jokes? Are you still mad about that time I beat you at Mario Kart? Do you need to hug this out?

Adan: Oh, I am most definitely laughing too. And let the record show that Laura never beat me at Mario Kart. In fact, I seem to recall a certain someone ramming into a wall as I sailed across the finish line ahead of her. Twice.

Laura: Are you actually blocking this out? You beat me in a REMATCH, which you demanded after an ass-kicking you fumed about for weeks. Don’t make me call witnesses to the stand. But hey–maybe we can get the Living Tribunal to arbitrate.

Adan: You should write fiction. You’re obviously very good at it.

Superman Confidential #1

Adan: Wait, wait, wait. Does the Kryptonite actually have a voice over at the beginning? Ludicrous. Cooke and Sale, I look forward to everything you guys do because you are Cooke and Sale. Apart, you kids are awesome; together, you should be awesome-er. So, what went wrong? For starters, Superman’s only been doing his thing for two months, but Lois already knows Clark and Supes are one and the same? Really? Cooke and Sale, your names alone will bring me back for another issue, but if this doesn’t shapen up, I’m done.

Laura: Every man has a weakness. And for the newly-suited Superman, the most frightening thing is not knowing what that is. Fortunately, giant green rocks start falling from the sky, and no one needs a diagram to connect those two plot points. I’d like to believe that there’s some sort of space creature encased in the rock, because talking kryptonite might officially push this book across the line, but we’ll see. The dialogue could be a little sharper at times, but the insecurities of a Clark Kent still learning to wear the cape ring true enough to bring me back for at least one more issue.

Uncanny X-Men #480

Laura: So, it’s the X-Men. Aaaand… they’re in space. If you’re into all that, then this is another issue of it. Personally, I wanted to hear Brubaker write the X-Men like Brubaker, rather than hear him regurgitate his own nostalgia. But then, I also wanted a pony when I was ten years old and I didn’t get that either. We don’t spend much time with the actual X-Men in this issue, as the highly unsympathetic Vulcan throws down with the Shi’ar Imperial Guard, which naturally ends in a toe-to-toe with Gladiator. Gladiator is a bit of a bastard too, but clearly the lesser of two assholes, so you can’t help but cheer for him to open up a can on the new title holder for Whiniest Summers Brother.

Adan: See, no. This is not just more ‘X-men is Space.’ Mostly because there are precious few X-men around and none in this issue (although Darwin needs waaaaay more screen time). By the way readers: Vulcan is “highly unsympathetic.” Newsflash Laura, he’s the villain, the antagonist, the bloody bad guy! I don’t know about you, but I tend not to want to root for the homicidal maniacs hellbent on commiting cosmic genocide. There is only one thing that really bugs me about this particular ‘X-men in Space’ romp: where is the Annihilation Wave? Not even some news about this Universal-Level Threat from the Shi’ar? I know Nova just warned Earth, so you know. Continuity, peoples!

Laura: I always find villains to be a lot more compelling when they are more than cackling, two-dimensional straw men that lazy writers like to prop up for people to hate. It’s a lot more interesting to read about antagonists whose terrible deeds you can kind of understand, or even empathize with. All I understand about Vulcan is that, to take a page from your book, I kind of want to punch him the face.

Adan: Did you miss the part where his mom was raped to death by Shi’ar jerkholes or how his trusted mentor and teacher sent him on a suicide mission and then wiped all traces of his existence from the world? This doesn’t make me want to root for him, but he’s also not a “cackling, two-dimensional straw m[a]n.” And stop calling Bru lazy; he’s developing a complex.

Laura: A sad, sad backstory doesn’t automatically make you interesting and three-dimensional, nor does it mean you’re being written well. But then again, I don’t think anything in this book is particularly interesting or well-written, so maybe I should cut Vulcan some slack.

Adan: Maybe I should punch you in the face.

Action Comics #844

Adan: So the story that Richard Donner really wanted to tell in a Superman comic is Brian Singer’s ‘Superman Returns?’ With a few cosmetic changes, of course. I don’t know, I kind of already watched this movie. Twice. And I got popcorn those two times. What are you giving me, Donner?

Laura: I am apparently either a bad woman or a bad American, because the presence of CHILDREN IN DANGER! does not automatically make stories compelling for me. A Kryptonian boy rockets to Earth (“Just like Superman!” as we are repeatedly reminded), and surrogate Papa Clark gets all protective. Fairly unremarkable, except in its uncanny resemblance to a certain summer blockbuster. If they’re going to reenact the movie, I hope they do the scene where the bullet shatters on his retina; that was wicked cool.

Black Panther #21

Laura: Storm and T’Challa’s diplomatic world tour heads for the underwater hatch as they meet up with The Sub-Mariner in Atlantis. Namor spends most of the book taking swipes at Ororo for daring to have opinions without a penis, which might have been offensive if it weren’t so goddamn boring and badly-written. Namor launches into a WWII flashback whose moral makes almost no sense, and Ororo calls Namor “Malcolm X to [T'Challa's] Martin Luther King,” which is officially the best moment in the issue, and now you’ve read it.

Adan: I didn’t know a book could be so misogynistic! Namor talks down to Storm three separate times making comments like “A woman’s logic is a miracle to behold.” Seriously? And this while Coalition against the US thing… Hudlin can’t really write politics, and should really stop trying to write about things he seemingly knows nothing about.

The Boys #4

Adan: There is a slight chance that women are incapable of liking this book. Not because there is something wrong with women, but because there is something very wrong with this book. That said, this book is awesome! What happens when super-heroes think and act like rock stars instead of defenders of the common people? Drugs, sex, and merchandising! But who will be the Paparazzi to the super-powered? The Boys, that’s who.

Laura: There is a slight chance that *people* will be incapable of liking this book–especially those who don’t get their rocks off via Schadenfreude. Reading this book made me feel sick and uncomfortable, as though I were watching slightly-too-realistic rape porn. While ostensibly Ennis is trying to spin a gritty, unflinching tale about how superheroes are total assholes, it’s really an excuse to show us things that are ugly and terrible, just for the sake of it. Which is pretty much the only note Ennis is singing, these days. It’s not that brutality and sexual degradation shouldn’t be depicted in comic books; it’s that I’d prefer they be slightly less gleeful, and also have a point. It’s not shocking anymore, and worse, it’s not even interesting; it’s just gratuitous, sadistic, and sad.

Civil War: Choosing Sides

Adan: Five short stories about five characters who will soon get mini-series or starring roles in ongoings (except for Howard the Duck; he gets bupkus) and what they think about the Superhuman Registration Act. But hey, thanks Marvel: the main book is super late and you make it up to me by making me buy more stuff that’s tied into your super-mega-ultra crossover. On the upside, this book also contains the ‘Guiding Light’ comic that is actually the second part to the Guiding Light episode that is supposed to premiere on Wednesday, November 1st. I do so love my stories.

Laura: If you’ve been buying every Civil War tie-in religiously, and worse, if you’ve been enjoying them all, this book is for you. There are lots of people who can’t get enough of this bloated cross-over, and pretty much all this insubstantial filler book gives you is more of it. But really, not that much more.

Daredevil #90

Laura: In this month’s thrilling issue, Matt Murdock spends no less than 88 narrative bubbles talking to himself, mostly about lady smells. He tracks Lily to Paris, where he threatens a bunch of street toughs in untranslated French and then thinks some more about the whole smell thing. It’s like the issue-length version of those Spiderman strips in the newspaper where it takes him a week to swing from one building to another, but with more discussion of personal odor.

Adan: Who the hell else is he gonna talk to? The French? I’m not sure why you’ve decided to hate on Bru recently (ask her about Uncanny X-men), but this book is still good. We get more on who’s behind the Foggy’s fake assassination and I’m sure Bru’s gonna let us know why all this is important soon enough. Also, he was probably talking about personal odor so much because he was in France. ZING!

Nextwave #9

Laura: The story kicks off with a Nazi spy attempting to steal Captain America’s super-pee from a SHIELD bathroom, and then things really get weird. Terrorist floating cities, jabs at The Ultimates, and the best acronyms this side of MODOK make this book as entertaining as it is absurd, free of the common sense, coherence, and continuity that hampers so many other books. Don’t try to make sense of it–it’s Warren Ellis’ world, we just vicariously live in it.

Adan: Be sad that this book is ending with issue twelve. It’s the best thing you’re not reading and now it’s getting cancelled. This issue features the unlikeliest of guest stars ever to appear in a possibly in-continuity Marvel comic (Is it in-continuity? Honestly, why wouldn’t it be?). Prepare to laugh your socks off.

Phonogram #1 & #2 (2nd printings)

Laura: The concept behind Phonogram is both twee and profoundly true: music is magic. The book is in many ways a love letter to music–to the ways it moves us, owns us, and breaks our hearts. Whether you’ve had a band or an album or a beautiful girl turn your world around completely, you know a little about what it’s like to be under a spell. But for Phonomancer (read: magical hipster) David Kohl, it’s not a metaphor; songs are his spells, lyrics are his incantations, and you are completely in his thrall. Like a lot of musicians, Kohl is an arrogant, charismatic asshole, and you can’t take your eyes off him. In fact, he has a song he’d like to play for you, and it’s called Phonogram. Listen up.

Adan: This book is super pretentious and yet still manages to be good. It’s good because I want nothing more than to punch David Kohl right in his stupid face. You can’t hate a character that much unless he’s written very, very well. There is a cheer in my heart everytime he gets his ass kicked.

Planetary #26

Adan: According to Ellis, this is where it all comes together. Every last puzzle piece that’s been laid out over the past 25 issues finally comes together here. I won’t know if that’s true or not until I re-read all the previous issues. I suggest you do the same.

Laura: Elijah Snow and Randall Dowling have their final showdown in the middle of the desert, and what happens next is not anti-climactic. If you’ve never read Planetary, this might not be the issue to start with, but if you’re already a fan, you won’t need my encouragement. For what it’s worth, you’ve got it.

Secret Six #5

Adan: Gail Simone is writing the best character in the world right now and that character is the current iteration of Ragdoll. That guy is hilarious and I hope he never goes away. Frankly, I hope none of these guys ever go away. The Secret Six has been an awesome ride about bad people doing almost-good things. Sort of. Mostly they’re just trying not to die.

Laura: Secret Six is just OK, the comic book equivalent of something palatable enough to swallow, but a little too bland to really enjoy. Fortunately, the Mad Hatter is along to add some kick, and he’s the most enjoyable element of this issue, where Knockout and Scandal have some sort of falling out (but not really), sending Scandal running back to Papa dearest. But not really.

Seven Soldiers #1

Adan: Another book that requires re-reading everything that came before, mostly because it’s six months late, but also because Grant tends to go nuts sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I will bear his child if it is required of me, but the guy is batshit crazy, and sometimes too much of it gets into his stories.

Laura: I’m going to be honest. This is my first issue of Seven Soldiers, which maybe explains why reading it makes me feel like I just dropped acid and read the Metamorphoses, as written by Grant Morrison. Dense mythological histories and psychedelic, frame-breaking art shifting wildly from page to page make for a crazy ride. I’m sure it makes sense if you’ve been reading Seven Soldiers all along… right?

A weekly rundown of the week’s new & notable releases, courtesy of our resident Wonder Twins.

52 #24

Adan: After a couple of weeks of not-so-good stories, DC’s star quadruplets finally get back on track… sort of. A book-length story that makes it feel like something is actually happening while taking many of the myriad plot threads and tying them together into a somewhat cohesive story.

Laura: The many-headed plotline hydra that is 52 grinds on, this week premiering a new JLA lineup composed entirely of benchwarming C-listers that remains cohesive for about five seconds before they get their asses handed to them by… well, you’ll see. If you’re still wasting $10 a month on this poor execution of an interesting concept, please believe me: you can do better.

Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Guilty Pleasures #1

Laura: Les Dabel says that women don’t read comics. Laurell K. Hamilton says she wants to change that. That’s interesting, because I didn’t know that I don’t read comic books. Good thing Hamilton is here to save me. A recent IGN article promoting the book was titled “Anita Blake Sucks In Marvel.” ‘Nuff said.

Adan: Not everything is about you. Female comic fans obviously exist, but not in the numbers we all wish they did (numbers that rivaled or even surpassed the ones for male fans). That said, this book bites. From what I understand, the first five or six chapters of the book are squeezed into the first issue. Those of you who like this sort of thing should really just read the novels, or better yet, read any other vampire comic on the market (many folks are partial to the “30 Days of Night” stuff).

Laura: Listen, Adan: there are plenty of female comics fans. We’re here, we’re queer, and we don’t want any more bears. Sure, most of us are still buying manga, but that’s still no reason to insult us with this kind of tripe.

Authority #1

Laura: Grant Morrison takes on the Authority for the first, err, second time. Despite ghost-writing one of the best issues on Millar’s run, this is Morrison’s first official issue with the larger-than-life superteam, a relaunch that Morrison describes as “the most realistic comic you’ve ever seen.” To review: It’s Grant Morrison. It’s the Authority. Will you buy it? Yes. Yes you will.

Adan: And let’s not forget Gene Ha’s amazing artwork. The man made us all pore over his “Top Ten” art with fine-toothed combs looking for all the Easter eggs he loved to drop (which is where he first drew the Authority, incidentally). Will he drop them again?

Desolation Jones #7

Laura: “Death is like a bus,” says Jones as the new “To Be in England” arc kicks off. “You wait and wait and then three turn up at once, and none of them are yours.” Well, the new issue of this brilliant, bleak descent into personal and urban decay is finally here, courtesy of Warren Ellis’ special brand of madness. All aboard.

Adan: I can’t think of any other person in the field who could make metropolitan studies interesting, much less must-read, because while this is a tale of an ex-spook turned private eye, it is also a tale of Los Angeles and how it lives and breathes. I will say, however, that Danijel Zezelj’s art is hard to follow and I am not convinced that he is a worthy successor to J.H. Williams III.

Fables: 1001 Nights of Snowfall

Adan: Every single “Fables” fan is going to buy this book. Every last one of them. The trick is to get those who’ve never read the book. This collection features origin stories of sorts for many of the major characters currently residing in Fabletown or its upstate annex, the Farm. This beautiful hardcover features early stories still set in the Homelands and is priced at only $19.99. What better jumping on point than can you ask for?

Laura: Fables starts out a little slow, so I’d actually recommend this over the first volume as the best entree to the series. Snow White plays Scheherazade to an Arabian fable, exchanging loads and loads of lovely backstory for her life. It’s a trade worth taking up.

John Woo’s Seven Brothers #1

Adan: The Virgin book with the most hype might actually deliver. Jeevan Kang’s art is quite good and Garth Ennis can write a book once in awhile. Most hyped, and possibly most importantly, the idea comes from the mind of superstar Hong Kong director John Woo, who’s not known for neither his fantasy or his comics, so who knows. I’ll take a peek and maybe you should too.

Laura: An ancient Chinese prophecy. A terrible evil threatening to engulf the world. Seven men drawn together by a destiny they can’t escape. Read that in a deep, gravelly voice and it’s the latest movie trailer I don’t care about.

Queen and Country #31

Laura: As the first Q&C volume starts drawing to a close with Operation: Red Panda, Tara Chase is on assignment in Iraq, her sanity still held together with shoestrings and chewing gum. Between this arc’s timely setting and the prescience of his Q&C novel, A Gentleman’s Game, Rucka has pulled his espionage title into the contemporary world of terrorism, and it couldn’t be more compelling.

Adan: I honestly can’t remember what this storyarc is about because it’s been that long. But you know what? Who cares? It’s Greg Rucka writing political spy thrillers with one of the greatest characters ever created. It’s gonna be great.

Runaways #21

Laura: As a monster with a sad sad backstory rampages through Los Angeles and a grieving Chase contemplates a Faustian bargain with the Gibborim, this issue asks us to consider whether profound loss can make men into monsters. It is a question perhaps best answered three months from now by BKV fanatics.

Adan: I’m quite saddened that this beautiful bald bastard is leaving the book that made him a household name. I’m more saddened by the fact that it seems like BKV is phoning in this latest storyline.

Wildcats #1

Adan: The second (technically, the first) WildStorm book written by Grant Morrison features art by imprint founder, and known slowpoke, Jim Lee. Morrison has done every type of superhero in every facet of its existence. He’s ready for something new. I am too. PS: I want to have his baby.

Laura: I’m not quite as ready to bear his offspring and masturbate to
his sigil, but I can’t say I’m not anticipating this book.

X-Men First Class #2

Laura: I think I read this series when it was called Professor Xavier and the X-Men. The only difference is that the plots are new, while the clichés remain very, very old. Note: making Bobby call Cerebro “Bro” does not make either one of them cooler.

Adan: I am the biggest X-fan that I know. For this reason alone I wish this book didn’t exist.