Spoilers ahoy, kids! Tread carefully lest these stories be spoiled for ye: All- Star Batman, Fallen Son, Justice League, and Ultimates. The others are probably safe, but I warn ye just the same. Arrr…– Pirate Adan

All-Star Batman & Robin the Boy Wonder #5

Adan: Well, well, well, the prodigal son does, in fact, return on ocassion, I see. You know your brother was here a few weeks back? He brought me a Zibarro, which was succulent. What did you bring me? Oh, more potty mouth. Well, bully for you.

Now that I’ve finished my extended analogy, let me say that when I saw Wonder Woman call some passing man a “Sperm Bank” on the very first page, I knew I was in for more of the industry’s most non-intenionally funniest book. Wonder Woman is a man-hating Feminazi, while the usually fearless Hal Jordan seems quite afraid of the Amazon, as evidenced by his immediate retrieval of her coat when she ordered him to get it. Plastic Man is still crazier than a loon, and Superman is a child who throws temper tantrums. And of course, the Goddamn Batman is a fucking psychopath. Oh, and Alfred wears diapers. This book is hilarious. I’m almost tempted to buy it on hilarity alone, but then DC would never learn anything. Look, go read Batman #665 instead, also out this week. You won’t laugh as hard, but you also won’t feel bad about comics in general afterwards, either.

Brendan: All I ever hear about is how much this book sucks. Who are all you people? Do you not want Wonder Woman to be the sexiest Amazon bitch that ever walked man’s world? Do you not shudder when you see her knee-high boots walk in and totally pwn the JLA? Should Batman be anything less than uber-vigilant until his city is clean? Yes, he is the Goddamn Batman, and that is a little different, but we are starting to see why. Here, Wonder Woman is a real Amazon, and the “greatest” hero is the weak willed Superman that is destined to become a government lapdog. I particularly like how Clark hangs his head the entire time until he and WW settle their… tension. Cops are evil, and the world is bleak. So Goddammit, someone needs to be willing to do whatever it takes. This is the Darkest Knight, he wouldn’t choose to be if the world didn’t demand it.

Also, I’m really enjoying this series just for the fact that Frank Miller and Jim Lee are just being All Stars. This story couldn’t be any more grit and grime if it took place in the sewer. Jim Lee, despite the delays, does a great job striking some badass Bat-poses, and solidifies his status as the premier Bat-artist of his generation. Say what you will, but when this is all said and done I will be reading this story for many years, and Hush will gather dust. Delays notwithstanding, we have yet to really reach the culmination of this first arc, and our second lead (that boyish wonder) has yet to appear. Can’t wait to see that team up. Don’t worry, Bruce, I love you being the Goddamn Batman, too.

Adan: You are one strange duck, Coach. First Civil War. now this? Careful, you might start liking Jeph Loeb too.

Fallen Son: The Death of Captain America – Captain America

Adan: Oh for the love of… Listen, you hack. When you are writing a series about the stages of grief, I don’t need you telling me which stage we’re dealing with every fucking chance you get! You told me with your Goddamn press releases, you tell on the title page of every issue (this one was titled “Bargaining”), and you tell me at the end of every issue when you have some character repeat the fucking word like I’m some kind of retarded hillbilly who thinks my sister is a perfectly fine choice for a mate and can’t figure out which stage of grief I’m looking at! Okay, that’s it! Jeph Loeb, you are not allowed to write any more comic books. Television, movies… fine, you keep doing that. But no more comics,you hear me? No. More. Comics. You suck at it. This wasn’t always the case, but it is now. I’m gonna let you finish this series and Wolverine, but then you’re done.

Brendan: Far be it from me to excuse the latest in Jeph Loeb hackery, (Loeb will soon be listed in Rogets as a synonym), but I didn’t hate this. Unlike previous issues, I thought the emotional range displayed by Hawkeye, Iron Man, and a few Younger Avengers rang true. I thought the interactions between Br’r and Sst’r Hawkeye underscored their respective personalities well, and solidified her as the right archer for today. I was also surprised by how “right” it felt for Clint to consider Tony’s offer. The relationship between him and Cap was always an interesting one, a strained older and younger brother one-sided rivalry, and I thought this story did well to pay homage to their history. I can totally empathize with Clint’s decision at the story’s end, but I will give due credit to Loeb for making me wonder if it was the right one. He restrained himself, and only said “bargain,” once!

Of course, Romita Jr., Janson, and Hollowell all deliver the goods. Duh.

But be afraid! Loeb will be taking the reigns on the Ultimates follow up! Only Joe Madureira’s soon to be record setting seven year delays will save us from the latest onslaught! Oh no! And Onslaught! Predictions for an Ultimate Onslaught! Run for the hills!

Adan: Called it!

Justice League of America #9

Brendan: For me, this series only gets better and better. I disagree strongly with the way the relaunch was handled, if only because a new numbering is not the time for the most nerdy, insular, self-referential and inaccessible story imaginable. But what can I say? I am a nerd, I already have my access, and I like old school references. Meltzer is truly amazing with his character work, with history and sexual dynamics that make the series seem adult if only for the interaction. Much like his work on Identity Crisis, Metlzer’s understanding of the minutia of the DCU richens the voices of his players. It was a slow start, but this adventure has us finally reaping the benefits of the meticulous preparation.

The Lightning Saga thickens, with the villains revealed. Eagle eyed readers take note- so Infinite was the middle Crisis? Hmm.

I again have the same issue with Ed Benes’ art. I loved his Superman work, but his JLA has been a mixed bag of only halfway decent nuts. While he has done great to establish the cast and sell the story, the inking has been muddled and inconsistent. Some panels have thick character outlines that look like they were done with a Sharpie, while others feel thin and don’t establish boundaries. It just doesn’t feel right, and despite liking his work, I feel like as an artist he is taking steps backwards.

Adan: I disagree with the Coach. As long-time readers know, I actually hated the first story-arc of Justice League of America. Hated it like I hate Commies. It was stupid, clunky, and very badly written. However, with Geoff Johns’ help, Meltzer seems to have regained the writing chops he had when he wrote “Archer’s Quest.” His characterization is pretty on the money, with few nits to pick. I also disagree with the Benes comments. I think his art is really rather good, especially the quiet scenes. I enjoy his expressions quite a bit (he’s no Kevin Maguire, but c’mon, nobody is).

And frankly, any story with the Legion of Super-Heroes (especially the old-school Legion) is going to win points with me just by being. Making it a story about Lightning Lad’s resurrection (which has been done, I believe, in every incarnation of the future heroes existence in one form or another, excepting of course the latest iteration) is just making me salivate for more. Kudos, Meltzer and Benes, for a job well done. Now, don’t fuck it up.

Local #9

Brendan: This book is consistently great, but this was my first real “awwww” issue. Learning more about Megan’s past goes far in explaining not only who she is, but the purpose of this country-spanning storyline. Brian (who I don’t think is a Communist, but wouldn’t hate him if he were) Wood gives the perfect past to her, and breaks her down right in front of us. Ryan Kelly deserves any gig in comics he wants, and his emotional range is stunning. I don’t even want to talk about the story, because it is such an easy journey to identify with.

I know Mother’s Day was just a few days ago, but if this story doesn’t make you want to call your Mommy you have no soul.

Adan: Ixnay on the Ommunistcay alktay. It’llay onlyay akemay meay aysay upidstay ingsthay.

I was planning to read this series in trade like I had with Demo (which is how I usually enjoy my B-Wood, actually), but Laura before and Brendan now keep wanting to review it. And I can see why. This book is really fantastic: B-Wood’s writing is superb, as usual, and Ryan Kelly is the guy you want drawing every soul-searching bio comic in the world, but yeah, he should be given any book he wants.

Did you call your mommy, B?

The Plain Janes GN

Adan: Comics for girls, huh? I’m in.

The unfortunately named Minx line has a winner on its hands the first time at bat. The Plain Janes is a great YA book, full of hope in the face of hopelessness. A terrorist attack occurs in the main character’s previous home city, and her mom totally freaks out about it. They move to the suburbs and Jane has to find new friends and try to keep herself sane.

This is really, really good, and it’s good for your pre-teenage girls, or teenage boys even (since girls mature faster than boys). I’m always on the lookout for good comics for kids and if the Minx line keeps up this level of quality, then we’re going to get along just fine.

Brendan: Psh, comics for girls! But those are for girls!

The Plain Janes is a pretty strong lead in DC’s new Minx line. It is the story of a city girl forced into the suburbs after a September 11th type incident. In an attempt to deal with her well earned angst, she gathers up a crew of outcasts, coincidentally named “Jane,” and uses art to inform and educate the townspeople. It reads a bit like Mean Girls, without the hotness but with more of a point.

I tried to give this book every chance I could. I know as a twenty-something male who reads tons of mainstream comics, I am not the key demographic for this line. That said, I was interested in this book, but hardly impressed. The visuals were passable, with clear enough storytelling, but not particularly compelling. The story lacked any high stakes drama. I don’t mean to say that I need violence to progress a plot, but I need something a little more threatening than “The town is going to arrest us for expressing ourselves!”

This Minx line should do some interesting things. I’m particularly looking forward to Josh Howard on Clubbing, and the preview for Re-Gifters looks cool. I just hope the next books have something more to say than “Boys suck!” This wasn’t a failed attempt by any means, but it didn’t feel like a universal story either. Oh well, I guess I’ll just go back to more books more up my alley, like guys in spandex clocking the shit out of each other. Or our next subject…

Adan: “Boys suck?” That’s all you got out of this? I suggest you read it again. And pay attention this time.

Satan’s Sodomy Baby #1

Brendan: That’s it?! That’s the cause of all this hubbub and rhubarb? The censors are all in a huff just because Satan ass rapes a hillbilly and the result is a cute lil’ scamp demon with a mega doom cock? America, your Puritan heritage disappoints me.

This was exactly as much fun as it needed to be. Powell leaves no one unscathed in this issue, and states it pretty explicitly on the front cover. Like the Simpsons or South Park, he proves that any sort of mockery is okay, so long as it is equal across the board. Satan’s Baby, hurry down the chimney tonight…so I can molest you.

If that doesn’t convince you to pick this one up, try this cryptic line from the book.

“Hey, everybody, Jimmy likes vaginas!”

Adan: At first, I was certain All-Star Batman would be the funniest book out this week, but Eric Powell makes it an honest-to-God race! Plus, he’s being delibirarely funny, something Frank Miller cannot say. I can’t even begin to tell you how funny this book is without ruining the jokes, so I’m not. Just pick it up. The last panel alone is worth the price of admission. Also, take look-see at the fan mail at the end of the book. Most of it is just badmouthing Margaret Snodgrass, but there are some real gems in there.

Ultimates 2 #13

Adan: As a friend of mine recently said, there is a difference between delaying long enough to let one’s anticipation reach a fever pitch, and delaying too long so that one simply forgets what one was waiting for in the first place. So, was it worth the wait? Well, maybe. Hitch’s art is still fantastic (though, frankly, I’d rather a different artist and nine months ago, but whatever). His eight-page spread (take that, Batcave!) depicting the Ultimates battle against the evil hordes of Norse myth is really quite breathtaking, especially the Fenriswolf in the background (that is one seriously giant wolf). Can you count the speeding Pietros?

I also remember why I thought Millar was such a fantastic writer (oh Civil War, how I wish you’d never been conceived), but I had to read the previous issues again because I couldn’t remember what had transpired before. When the Black Widow showed up again alive, I was seriously confused because I remembered Tony shooting her in the head (it turns out she shot Jarvis in the head, and Tony used nanobots to subdue her). Of course, my biggest beef with the issue was the revelation that Thor is, in fact, a god amongst men. One of my favorite things about this series was the “Is he or isn’t he?” issue regarding Thor’s godhood and I would have preferred if it had been kept vague, or if an answer needed to be given, that he was nuts (to keep the book grounded in the reality where it thrives best). Ironically, only the most deluded amongst us, the readers, could continue believing that Thor might not be a god after the mini-Ragnarok Loki unleashed (did you see the Rainbow Bridge?)

Also of interest, while Hank Pym was arrested and imprisoned in the Triskelion for his involvement with the Liberators, the question of Bruce Banner’s legal status was never brought up. The last time he is seen, Betty is draping him with a blanket after he’s de-Hulked himself immediately after the battle. Will he be arrested again for his escape from the carrier group where his death sentence was supposed to have been carried out? Or does he get a Presidential Pardon for his actions during the Invasion? Or is this a question Millar deliberately left open so that whoever the next writer is (’cause it better not be Jeph Loeb) can answer it in Ultimates 3 (whenever that comes out).

Was it worth the wait? Goddamn it, I wish I could say no and teach these jerks a lesson, but alas…

Brendan: I don’t know what could be worth this absurd wait, but this was a good comic book. It’s great to see Captain America back in action. I didn’t mind the Thor reveal, probably because it played along with my suspicions. The ambiguity was fun, but Thor as the American Jesus is also pretty cool. Also, it is worth noting that the ultimate chapter of this epic story is the farthest removed the “realism” the book was known for. It is as if Millar and Hitch were saying that realistic superheroes are cool, but not as cool as their far out counterparts. While I dug the insane eight page gatefold, I don’t know if it was worth the extra delay, nor am I sure that it really did anything to serve the narrative. I also thought that it was a great touch to see Thor using his hammer’s claw for something, especially considering the consistency of internal logic in his designs. Nice to see it finally pay off.

So the Ultimate status quo is shook, and we are given a good idea of where the follow ups will go. While that is interesting enough, the final scenes of each main character is well composed and shows the arc of each lead. In the end, we finish where we began. Who would have thought we’d get such a cute ending?

Uncanny X-men #486

Brendan: “The Rise and Fall of the Shi’ar Empire.” It was a pretty damn ambitious title. It would take a lot to live up to the self imposed hype. This twelve part epic, (which shipped on time!) could have been billed as its own event. I am not usually a fan of space opera, nor was I a big fan of any of the X-Men involved, but this story was pretty cool. It’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly what it is that clicked for me in this series, but it had the ingredients it needed for me to maintain interest in an X-Men story. It had some cool allegory, some great visuals, and really established Vulcan, Darwin, and Warpath as intriguing, sustainable characters. I will say that I feel like Warpath’s voice has a lot in common with Brubaker’s Winter Soldier, but maybe I’m just responding to the domino mask. I wasn’t blown away by this long arc, but I liked it enough to keep reading (an accomplishment for most X-titles), and I will be interested in seeing how they follow up on the cliffhangers.

Adan: This is the best of the three main X-books. There is actually a story here instead of just decent snippets of dialogue (like in Astonishing) and this book doesn’t suck (like Adjectiveless). While the Shi’ar Empire neither technically rose nor fell, it is nonetheless in the middle of a civil war (that actually means something) with Vulcan and Deathbird on one side, and Lilandra and the new Starjammers on the other (yeah, I said new). There isn’t really an ending here as the space opera will continue down the line, but at least some of the X-men are back on Earth, so that will continue as well. And Darwin is still the best new super-hero character that’s been introduced in a while.

X-men: First Class Special

Adan: I did not expect to like this at all. I rather disliked the mini-series (though I confess I only read the first two issues), so I assumed there would only be more of the same in this book. How wrong I was. This is a delightful collection of shorts featuring the artistic stylings of Kevin Nowlan, Mike Allred, Paul Smith, and the lovely Colleen Coover. These shorts feature a mutant masquerading as a poltergeist, a beat poet with a dangerous secret (isn’t that all of them?), and a girl/dragon pairing which predates Kitty and Lockheed, as well three even shorter shorts which are just cute and funny (which is Colleen Coover’s specialty). This book is light and fluffy, but very, very fun and well worth your $3.99 for the art alone, but of course, Jeff Parker, who handles all of the writing chores, is no slouch. In fact, I will give the mini-series a second chance when in comes out in trade and review it here so you will all know what if I’ve been convinced.

Brendan: This was fun, sort of like X-Men meets Archie . There isn’t really even much to say about it, as it accomplishes its goals of being fun, accessible little ventures into the Days of X-Men Past. You couldn’t ask for a more talented art team, either. Earlier I was saying how Uncanny was one of the only X-titles I was checking out, but I’m with Adan and I will be following up with this series.

You win this round, Jeff Parker!