Well, it’s finally upon us. As I’m writing this, fans have already started packing theaters to catch the early Thursday Night showings. Major critics are already split in their opinions, as was the case with the previous installment. The only question. . . .Is Johnny Depp still worth sitting through a pirate movie that clocks in at almost three hours?! Because let’s face it, Depp IS this franchise. Yeah, the action and effects have been all well and good, but if there’s any real draw for these films, it’s been Johnny Depp. I mean, the man is probably second to only Gary Oldman in his ability to completely immerse himself in a role, until all that’s left is the character. And with Captain Jack Sparrow, Depp has created one of the most engaging characters committed to film in recent memory. His Keith Richards-inspired performance has left such a mark on popular culture that the Rolling Stones guitarist actually signed on to play a pirate captain who may or may not be Captain Jack’s father. Without Depp, there’d be a lot less to distract audiences from the pressing question of who’s more feminine, Keira Knightley or Orlando Bloom.

I guess if we have to factor in things like story and character development, I’m not necessarily expecting much. The Pirates films very much follow the Star Wars formula, especially with Dead Man’s Chest serving as The Empire Strikes Back. Would that make At World’s End the Return of the Jedi of the trilogy? Well, I’ll definitely laugh my butt off if Keira and Orlando’s characters end up being brother and sister! What little I’ve read from advance reviews, the storyline seems exceptionally intricate, and possibly hard for some to follow. I may just have to familiarize myself with the first film to fully appreciate At World’s End. Which is fine, ‘cause then I can enjoy all those lovely Johnny Depp moments again!

Now, undoubtedly, the film stands to be the biggest movie of the year, especially with Dead Man’s Chest breaking several box office records last summer, including the three-day opening weekend record that had been held by the first Spider-Man. And while the record was recently broken by Spider-Man 3, Pirates stands a good chance of reclaiming the title. But there are two big factors to consider:

1) Some audiences may find the aforementioned plotline too cluttered to follow, something that’s definitely hurt Spider-Man 3’s returns, compared to previous installments.

2) Then there’s the runtime. A major complaint towards highly anticipated films like Spider-Man 3 and the Tarantino/Rodriguez team-up, Grindhouse, has been that they were needlessly long And at almost three hours, Pirates might suffer a similar fate in the form of diminished returns.

At the end of the day, I know I’ve enjoyed the films thus far, and all At World’s End really needs is for Depp to bring his ‘A’-Game, as I firmly believe that there are no bad “Johnny Depp movies”, just bad movies that have Johnny Depp in them. Even I sat through Secret Window. . . .TWICE!!

*BEWARE SEASON FINALE SPOILERS BELOW*

Few may remember, but The WB had originally wanted to do a series revolving around a young Bruce Wayne training to become Batman. Having loved the numerous flashback episodes from Batman: The Animated Series with Bruce training with escape artists and ninja masters, I couldn’t help but love the idea. But then, the whole thing fell through, and WB announced they were making Smallville instead. Initially, I didn’t see the appeal, but dammit if that first episode didn’t hook me in. It was a surprisingly fresh take on the character. There was this great contemporary logic to everything, especially in terms of Clark’s arrival from Krypton, with not only his ship arriving but the whole meteor shower that essentially affected the whole town of Smallville. Lana Lang lost her parents, Lex Luthor lost his hair, and we got scores of citizens who gained strange abilities due to their exposure to Kryptonite. This gave Clark plenty of worthy adversaries, especially since Lex and Clark start out as friends.

And with Michael Rosenbaum we have, undeniably, my favorite (live-action) Lex Luthor of all-time. The evolution of his friendship with Clark was damn near flawless, and seeing them become enemies is still one of the show’s strengths. The irony being that they’re both lying douchbags who have never trusted each other with their whole truths. Although, you actually feel sorry for Lex at times. Everyone he’s ever wanted to trust has screwed him over; his father, Clark, BOTH of his wives, etc. It’s nice to see that kind of evolution in a character.

But I don’t know if it’s enough anymore. Over the last six years, fans have gone from loving the show to downright hating it, and I’m starting to see where they’re coming from. A major point of contention has undoubtedly been Lana Lang. Nothing has been more frustrating than seeing her relationship with Clark unfold, as every step they took forward was immediately followed by two steps taken back. Not to mention how long it’s taken her to figure out Clark’s secret! SIX YEARS?!?! I’m sorry, but after the man saved her from a tornado at the end of season one, she should have been pressin’ HARD to find out how he pulled off that trick! Even after that, hints were droppin’ like anvils from the sky for the next five years! I guess that’s what happens when you’re as profoundly self-involved as Lana.

Then there are the 1001 uses from Kryptonite. Beyond people whose bodies were directly affected by Kryptonite’s radiation, you had people processing it for everything from fertilizer for gardening, to tattoo ink and steroids, and it was even uses as a substitute for Nitrus Oxide in street racing cars!! And it’s just gotten worse with the revelation that Clark’s friend and confidant Chloe also possesses abilities from exposure to Kryptonite. Watch last night’s season finale and cringe as Chloe grieves of her cousin, Lois Lane’s dead body after she meets the stabby end of a combat knife, only to be brought back to life with Chloe’s kryptonite-infused tears!! WTF?!?!

Speaking of Lois Lane, another element of Smallville that’s wearing thin is the loose continuity. On the one had, the inclusion of so many elements from the Superman mythos before their time practically forces the audience to view Smallville as its own self-contained continuity with no bearing on Clark actually becoming Superman, which I’ve always liked. Some of it works, but some of it doesn’t. I’ve never liked Metropolis’ close proximity to the town Smallville, like it’s merely an hour’s drive away. But that’s minor compared to things like, oh, I don’t know. . . . Jimmy Olsen dating Chloe!! Now, it’s taken me a while to accept Lois Lane’s inclusion in the series, but it’s worked because her interactions with Clark still fit well in comparison to the comics. In the case of Jimmy, however, he’s a romantic foil. Regardless of how much Clark pines after Lana, seeing Jimmy with Chloe makes him jealous. It’s a complete overhaul of the dynamic between the two characters, and it just feels very forced. And while I’ve enjoyed the idea that Clark’s arrival in Smallville was somewhat pre-ordained, a lot of what’s followed has been handled rather poorly. Clark losing his powers, Jor-El essentially saying he’ll kill someone Clark loves if he doesn’t do what he says, and the inclusion of Zod and Brainiac, all seemed half-hearted in terms of execution, at least in terms of the ways all those things were resolved. The Phantom Zone elements from this season have been interesting, though. Not to mention the introduction of Martain Manhunter and Green Arrow.

But how much more can the show really do? How much more can these characters evolve. Clark and Lex both seem to be on their set paths towards being the characters we know from the regular Superman universe, and I think we’ve done every possible variation of a Kryptonite power there is to do without it getting silly (wait, never mind, I just remember the Kryptonite racing fuel!). At some point, the book has to close on Smallville, because it’s starting to feel like an X-Files scenario. The show seems long past the point of the creators having a straightforward plan of how the show should end, and now they’re just making up stuff as they go along.

Say what you want about Point Break, but its influence is undeniable. The makers of Fast and the Furious loved it so much, that they ripped it off completely, right down to the red herring in the second act. And anyone who’s seen Hot Fuzz probably laughed their butts off when it paid homage to that classic scene where Keanu Reeves shoots his gun into the air after letting Patrick Swayze escape. Although I’m partial to the scene where Red Hot Chili Peppers lead singer, Anthony Kiedis, shoots himself in the foot! Point Break has always been a stupid movie, but it’s a fun stupid movie, and I never get tired of it.

But for whatever reason, a sequel is in the works!! And supposedly, Patrick Swayze’s character from the first film will factor into the new storyline, despite being swallowed by a ginormous wave at the end of the first film. All I can say is. . . .WHY?!? Now remember, I’m of the opinion that no sequel is necessary, and furthermore, I’m of the opinion that there’s a statute of limitations on when you can do a sequel after the original film. Point Break was what, 16 years ago? Sorry, but I think the sequel ship has long since sailed. To say nothing of the Fast and the Furious franchise stealing most of their thunder. As it stands, elements of Point Break 2 will feel like a rehash of Tokyo Drift. And if you’ve seen Tokyo Drift, you know how pathetic that sounds!

There’s really nothing to gain here, is there? It’s like Basic Instinct 2 all over again, a sequel to a film that was a guilty pleasure at best, coming long past the point of anyone caring how it will turn out. But let’s face it, a lot of sequels are coming out long after their previous installments. Stallone came back with Rocky Balboa (which I actually kinda liked), Rambo 4 is on the way, Live Free or Die Hard is right around the corner, and Harrison Ford’s even dusting off his fedora 18 years after The Last Crusade. I tell ya, stock in Geritol is gonna skyrocket!

Granted, I probably should have gotten this out of the way sooner, but it’s just a testament to how much interest I’ve probably lost in seeing this movie. Not that I think it will be bad, but it just doesn’t strike me as a “must-see” film. It’s certainly a brave film for coming out the week after Spider-Man 3, and before Shrek the Third. And, it’s probably only playing in about a third of the number of theaters, compared to those other two films.

To its credit, 28 Days Later was a pretty solid film. It was the perfect example of why I admire Danny Boyle as a filmmaker. Up until this film, I never thought of him as a director who would do a horror film, and a damn good one at that. The scariest moments in the film are actually the quiet ones. Who can forget Cillain Murphy’s character Jim wandering the deserted streets of London, screaming for anyone who would listen. The digital camcorder look to the film just accentuated the grittier moments, never knowing when one of “the infected” would pop out. It was very sparse, but that worked to its advantage. There was this almost claustrophobic feeling, despite the widespread desolation.

As the title states, it’s 28 weeks later, and it’s believed that the last of “the infected” have died off. The U.S. Military is brought in to aid in the reconstruction, but eventually, all hell breaks loose as the virus resurfaces. Immediately, the sequel looks to being aiming to be more of a mainstream film, which I think ultimately takes away from the creativity of the original. There seems to be a heavier focus on action in addition to horror, and the cast features somewhat recognizable actors (moreso than the original when it was released), including Robert Carlyle, The Wire’s Idris Elba, and Lost’s Harold Perrineau. It just looks very conventional in its appearance and narrative structure, to the point of me not being too exicted about it. Nothing about it particularly stands out that makes me want to see it.

As great as 28 Days Later was, I found it to be one of those films that didn’t need a sequel, and probably shouldn’t have one. I love movies where the world has fallen apart, and they end with the survivors accepting their new way of lives, and trying to rebuild. There’s a message of hope leaving something to the imagination, to the point that you don’t concern yourself with what happens after the credits roll. I enjoyed the ambiguity of it, in addition to the tight focus on a specific group of characters. Sometimes there’s no need to continue the story. This goes to my belief that there’s no such thing as a “necessary sequel”. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of my favorite movies are sequels. They can be great, sometimes even surpassing their predecessors, but I dare you to say any of them were necessary. Think about Terminator 2 and how that movie ended. It would actually negate everything that happened in the first film!

(Twenty Esther Baxter Points to whoever can guess the Fox series title I’m paraphrasing for the tile of this blog post!)

You can just imagine Drive star Nathan Fillion at a cast meeting, cursing and saying “Not again!” With the show’s cancellation after a mere four episodes, I have to wonder, what’s Fox’s deal? Why even bother with high-concept shows like this if they’re not even going to give them time to build an audience? Was it really costing them so much money that they couldn’t even air the last two episodes and then say, “we’re just not gonna film the rest of them.”? I may not be an expert on television as a business, but dammit if Fox doesn’t have a piss-poor record of handling genre shows!

It’s kind of sad given the shows they launched with 20 years ago. You had stuff like Married . . .With Children, 21 Jumpstreet, The Tracy Ullman Show (which ultimately led to The Simpsons), and Werewolf!! The last thing Fox was trying to do was be like the Big Three, and that’s what made them so popular. But with that popularity came greed and the desire to be more like the powerhouse networks that have existed since before there was even television. In their quest to become a “legitimate” network, they got legendary producer Aaron Spelling to slap his name on shows like 90210 and Melrose Place, but at this point, they still had an edge to them. We hadn’t seen anything like the X-Files on television before, and on some level, we haven’t seen anything like it since. But the show eventually became a victim of its own success. In retrospect, The X-Files movie would have made a perfect ending to the series after season five, but would Fox let the show go? Hell no! The damn thing went on for four more seasons of complete and utter nonsense, leading up to a series finale that had even more complete and utter nonsense.

Then there’s Fox Sports. I’ve ALWAYS hated Fox Sports. Why? For one, my local Fox affiliate doesn’t play movies on the weekends anymore. But mostly, it’s because football season always screwed with Fox’s Sunday night schedule, especially when Fox came out with Futurama. I can’t imagine Matt Groening not being pissed at how badly Fox screwed the pooch on this show. Episodes were continually being pre-empted because of games running long, which wouldn’t have been an issue if they had just placed it after The Simpsons. I guess that made too much sense. It’s only with the return of Family Guy that Fox has seen the benefit of pairing two shows with the same creator. The kick in the teeth being that American Dad is utter garbage!! Words cannot express how profoundly retarded and unfunny this show is!

But most disappointing has to be Fox’s treatment of any show stuck with the television graveyard that is Friday night. X-Files had the luck of coming along when Fox still had some balls. They eventually moved the show to Sundays, and the rest is history. But what about shows like Brimstone, M.A.N.T.I.S. (albeit a white-washed version compared to the brilliant, socially-relevant pilot movie), Wonderfalls, and John Doe? What about Firefly?!? This has to be Fox’s biggest Friday blunder of them all! It’s not like they greenlit the show solely based on the concept. Joss Whedon’s name had already started to carry a lot weight with the success of Buffy and Angel, and Fox promoted the mess out of the show based on that fact. But in true Fox fashion, they made every possible decision that would lead to the show’s demise. There’s the aforementioned Friday scheduling, for starters, but also running episodes out of order, thus confusing the few people who managed to tune in. Less promotion and an unannounced rescheduling soon followed, and like that, Firefly was no more.

Not that I don’t love my 24 and House, but more and more, I find myself missing the old Fox. I miss the Fox that just didn’t give a damn what their competitors thought of them. I miss black Thursdays with Martin, Living Single, and New York Undercover! I miss the Fox that was so on the cutting edge, that The WB and UPN were ripping off their shows when those two networks launched!! What happened?!? How many hours do you really need to devote per week to American Idol anyway?!?! Does anyone really want to watch Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? Talk amongst yourselves, I’m gonna go weep in a corner.

With Spider-Man 3 less than two weeks away, I thought now would be a good time to debut what I hope to make a regular thing. See, a lot of fans will make up their minds about a genre or comic-based film long before it hits the multiplexes. Taking even the slightest bits of information or gossip, a fan will immediately decide whether a film is gonna be great, or if it’s gonna suck. I like to take the “wait-and-see” approach, myself. Sometimes because it’s rational to do so, and sometimes because I don’t want to admit a potential film I want to like could actually be worse than a visit to the dentist. I’m definitely looking forward to Spider-Man 3, as I’m anxious to see a comic book movie franchise break the “trilogy curse”. Think about it; Superman III, Batman Forever, Blade Trinity, X-Men: The Last Stand, etc. Highly successful comic movie franchises that reached their third films, and went down the crapper from there. I’d say Spider-Man 3 has a fairly good chance of avoiding this trend. Let’s take a look at what it has to overcome:

Let’s Get Funny! – In an attempt to make comic book sequels more lighthearted, filmmakers have shoehorned funny men such as Richard Pryor and Jim Carrey into high-profile comic sequels with disastrous results. And nothing dulled Blade’s edge more than the supporting cast of comedic actors that included Ryan Reynolds, Parker Posey, John Michael Higgins, and Patton Oswald. The funniest bit of casting, though? Natasha Lyonne as a blind geneticist!! Still, I guess it’s better than Tara Reid playing an anthropologist in Alone in the Dark.

Advantage for Spider-Man 3 – Fans might actually appreciate some added humor, often complaining that the web-slinger didn’t have enough clever quips in the first two films. Mind you, the new film seems to be all about Peter exploring his dark side via the alien symbiote.

Changing of the Guard – Michael Keaton wisely opted out of Batman Forever, and in his stead, we got Val Kilmer. Despite being one of my favorite actors, the man just plain sucked as Batman. There was nothing frightening or mysterious about him, because it always looked like he was trying too hard.

Advantage for Spider-Man 3 – Despite the Jake Gyllenhall rumors going back since before Spider-Man 2, Tobey Maguire continues to hold things down as Peter Parker/Spider-Man. The entire cast has stuck together through all three films, even the characters who died in the first one!

The Direct(or) Approach – As great as Batman Begins is, I still love Burton’s original films. The first Batman really captured the crime fiction era of Batman, and definitely proved influential in the approach taken with Batman: The Animated Series. With Batman Returns, it was definitely more of a Burton-esque film, but it still felt like Batman to me. The specific details aside, Burton still nailed the relationships and motivations of the characters. And c’mon, Michelle Pfieffer in that Catwoman outfit? Halle Berry’s costume designers should have taken notes! But along came Schumacher, who saw fit to make things comparable to the 60s Adam West series. The neon, the nipples, oh, the nipples!! Schumacher created a world where Batman was less of an urban myth, and more of a public celebrity.

Advantage for Spider-Man 3 – A die-hard fan of the comics from way back, Sam Raimi has devoted a good six or seven years of his life to working solely on these films, and with the right motivation, he’d gladly do a fourth. He understands what makes Spider-Man work. First and foremost, Spider-Man is Peter Parker: Average Joe. As long as Raimi never loses sight of that, he’s not likely to fail.

Villains Unite! – More often than not, villains teaming up in comic movie sequels is really forced, and some great comic villains have ended up getting shortchanged in the process. Whereas Two-Face would have made a great solo villain for Batman, Jim Carrey went into full scenery-chewing mode as The Riddler, and left poor old Tommy Lee Jones in the dust. And when the time came for Magneto to rebuild his Brotherhood in X-Men: The Last Stand, countless major villains found themselves playing mute flunkies. Even the all-powerful Phoenix plays second banana to the master of magnetism. Didn’t this woman go megaton on a whole solar system in the comics?

On The Fence – The big hitch for Spider-Man 3 will be juggling three major villains; Sandman, Harry: The Snowboarding Goblin, and Venom, or as I like to call him, Toothy McForeman. Any of them would have proven formidable for Spidey on their own, but all three of them in one?!? From what I can tell, they each serve a justifiable purpose. The plot point of Sandman being Uncle Ben’s real killer screams “red herring”, but it’ll parallel Harry’s story arc, as he’s in the exact same position. As for Venom, whether or not he feels like too much of an afterthought depends on how well the rivalry between Peter Parker and Eddie Brock plays out.

All things considered, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. The first Spider-Man hasn’t aged very well, but Spider-Man 2 is still a near perfect film, in my opinion. It’ll be an impressive feat if Spider-Man 3 manages to top it.

You have to love the Real World/Road Rules Challenges. It’s great because there are no allusions of it being anything more than the bastard child of Battle of the Network Stars and Double Dare. Recently, we saw a clever revamp of the concept in the form of Fresh Meat, where former challenge members were partnered with newbies who had never been on either series. It was interesting to see twelve independent pairs competing against each other as opposed to one big team versus another. This time around, it’s the more traditional format, as the theme is, once again, The Inferno. Every other week, a member from each team will square off in a one-on-one competition for the right to stay with their team. And at the end, the winning team will walk away with $400,000 dollars. Not to mention the cash they win for individual events. Now, even if the winning team retains all ten members, that’s still 40 G’s a piece before taxes! These famewhores perform stupid human tricks in some tropical setting for two months, and stand to make more than I make at my day job in a year?!? How is that fair?!?

Anyway, this year’s lineup is as follows:

The Good Guys
Alton (Las Vegas)
Ace (Paris)
Rachel (Austin)
John (Key West)
Paula (Key West)
Colie (Denver)
Davis (Denver)
Timmy (USA Tour 2)
Susie (Australia)
Cara (South Pacific)

The Bad Asses
Aneesa (Chicago)
Tonya (Chicago)
CT (Paris)*
Danny (Austin)
Janelle (Key West)
Jenn (Denver)
Tyrie (Denver)
Abram (South Pacific)
Evelyn (Fresh Meat)
Kenny (Fresh Meat)

Three things; one, there are four members of the current Real World cast between the two teams. WTF? They couldn’t wait for their season of RW to end before broadcasting the Challenge? I have enough trouble processing these people’s drama on their own damn show. Now I gotta process their drama on the Challenge, as well?!? Two, Timmy?!?! Isn’t this man like damn near 40?!? Have you nothing better to do, man? And three, the asterix by CT’s name. Well, that’s a funny story:

After toasting to a fun challenge and wishing the best of luck to all the competitors, CT starts to let his inner Boston Brawler out to play. The first victim of his rampage is Fresh Meat cast member Kenny, who accidentally gives CT a bloody nose while the two engage in a good natured wrestling match. Keep in mind, some of the male cast members had to intervene when CT refused to release Kenny from a chokehold, even though he was trying to tap out. But CT feels he’s the one who has ultimately been assualted, and verbally unloads on poor Kenny. But wait, it gets worse! It seems CT, in a drunken fit, punched the living snot out of Davis later that evening, resulting in a wikked shoinah! If only there had been a cameraman on hand to catch it as it happened, instead of just the weepy aftermath with Davis crying in a shower stall.

Now, one of the big rules with all these shows is that no cast member is allowed to use physical violence against another cast member. So before the Challenge even officially starts, CT is sent packin’!!! And I can’t say I’ll miss him. He completely overracted with the whole Kenny thing, and then tried to play off his unprovoked attack on Davis, claiming that Davis should just “get over it”. Good Riddance, ya punk! In his stead, the Bad Asses will have the pint-sized scrapper Derrick on their side. And that’s when the Good Guys know they’re in trouble. Derrick’s reputation preceeds him at this point, taking on any and all challengers, and proving himself to be one of the best competitors (though he’s never won the big prize) of any of the challenges. The man wrestled Cyrus’ big black ass from Real World Boston. . . .and won! The man’s not to be f***ed with!

Already, the Bad Asses are off to a good start, with two wins in a row, and $20,000 in their team bank. Davis and Abram were initially voted into the Inferno, but with Alton winning the life shield in the second challenge, he volunteered to save Davis from another asskicking, taking his place in the Inferno! Probably knowing Alton well enough to know that he’d sacrifice himself to set an example for his team, Abram makes the strategic (or “bitch”) move of using his life shield to send Tyrie in his place. If Tyrie wins, the Good Guys’ team leader is gone and the team will most likely fall apart. But we all know Abram’s real intention is to cut some dead weight from his team. For one, Tyrie’s a newbie to the Challenge, and those guys get no respect. But he was one of the few who messed up with that ladder challange. Or maybe Abram just doesn’t like black people, and figures either way, it’s one less darkie in the house! In any event, we won’t find out who wins until next week.

Let’s face it, MTV hasn’t been relevant since the early 90s. It’s had its moments here and there, but it’s long-since forgotten what it was supposed to be about. Even MTV2 has forgone showing videos in favor of repeats of Jackass and Pimp My Ride 24/7. Thank God for MTV Hits and MTV Jams. But I’m not about to act like I’m not glued to the screen whenever The Real World is on. Not that it offers any meaningful insight into the lives of young, diverse individuals. It’s just fun to see them fall into every trap the producers have set up for them. And no matter how self-aware these idiots are of their “roles”, they still end up playing themselves nine times outta ten! The Real World has become the funniest sitcom on television.

But now, they’ve got a new show called “Scarred”. If any of you have been watching MTV, I’m sure you’ve all seen promos for it; homemade videos of young men, whether they be on skateboards, bikes, or something else, taking messy spills resulting in broken bones, gashes, and/or copius blood loss. The images are definitely gruesome, and hearing the shrill cries of pain just makes it worse. And the whole time, I’m just asking myself, “WHY?” Why would anyone find this entertaining? At least in a horror movie 1) it’s a movie, and 2) there’s, at the very least, an illusion of context in which it’s not just two hours of people being hacked to pieces. This show doesn’t seem to exist in any other context beyond showing actual people getting their bodies mangled. I’m sure there will be the requisite follow-up interviews with the people who got jacked up, but I’m not getting the impression that the show serves any real purpose. Do people really want to watch this? Do you really want to see a forearm snap in two when it hits pavement? Do you really want to see someone twist their leg 90 degrees in the wrong direction?

I blame it all on America’s Funniest Home Videos (which is STILL ON THE AIR!!). From the moment that first man got whacked in the babymakers, I knew we were slipping down the poop-slide to Hell. Now if you’ll excuse me, Saw II is on cable again.