I had high hopes for Blade Trinity; introducing the Nightstalkers, and pitting Blade against Dracula himself, brought the character even closer to his comic roots. Having written all three films, the idea of David Goyer directing seemed to make a lot of sense. But apparently, problems arose from day one. Wesley Snipes, being something of an egomaniac, allegedly butted heads with Goyer at almost every turn over the course of the production. The spotlight being given to newcomers Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel was a major point of contention. And to an extent, Snipes was right to be upset. Regardless of Goyer writing the scripts, Snipes, along with the previous directors, proved to be the driving talent in making the other two Blade films as great as they were. As a director, Goyer just had no real vision. He had no real flair for visual storytelling and no real sense of how to shoot action. While I’ll admit to enjoying particular momentsin the film, for the most part, it was a mess.
If I did Blade Trinity?
I actually liked the idea of the media and the feds going after Blade. The problem was that it was barely in the movie. Once the Nighstalkers freed him, the FBI characters were gone, only to conveniently show up at the end after all the fighting was done! You mean the whole time that Blade and the Nightstalkers were going around town in broad daylight, with all manner of weaponry visibly dangling from their persons, no one called the cops?!? I’d have scaled it down to one agent, though, with a small subplot of him pursuing Blade for a majority of the film. Every wrongly-accused superhero needs their own “Jack McGee”. Furthermore, most of the action should happen at night, and Blade would have to change his look. Yep, the signature hairdo would have to go, especially considering how bad Snipes’ hairpiece looked the third time around, anyway. Aside from some concealed body armor, I’d have Blade’s attire be as inconspicuous as possible. If anything, it’d be a justifiable reason for Blade having a shaved head in the television series. (sidenote: the show was actually better than I thought it would be.)
The Nightstalkers, while a nice inclusion given their comic book origins, were just a collection of really bad characters. A lot of this had to do with Goyer’s casting, which included Patton Oswalt as the weapons expert Hedges, and Natasha Lyonne as Sommerfield, the blind geneticist! Her character in particular was part of a major beef I had with Goyer when watching Blade Trinity, aside from the utter pointlessness of making her blind; the fact that he seemed to ignore his own continuity. Did he completely forget about Dr. Karen Jensen, the hematologist, from the first film?!? The one who figured out a way to cure herself from vampirism, and improved upon Blade’s serum? I don’t know if there was a valid reason for her not being used in Blade Trinity (probably having something to do with Snipes not liking black chicks?), but I’d have fought like hell to include her. This would make for some great moments between her and Blade. I’d have had her essentially be the leader of this specific “cell” of Nightstalkers, having never gone back to her normal life after the events of the first film. Rather than have her cure work on full-blown vampires, Hannibal would either have to be a former familiar, or just keep him as a vampire who decided to do good. If the cure could work on all vampires, it’d just be a simple matter of injecting any vamp they encountered with the cure, and that would be no fun! While we’re at it, cut about half of Hannibal’s one-liners. Most of them were very forced, and the fact that Blade never just knocked the snot out of him one time always got on my nerves. The Trinity screenplay actually has Blade punching Hannibal for calling him “Blakula”! As for Abigail, she would NOT be Whistler’s daughter! It proved to be a throwaway character point, to say nothing of the fact that Goyer cheaply used footage from the first film and tried to pass it off as a conversation between Whistler and Abigail. No, I’d establish her either as a former cop or ex-military. She’d have been a little more like Vasquez from Aliens. And I’d make sure there was significant interaction between her and Karen. In Trinity, when Abigail was crying over the fact that Somerfield had been killed, it just fell flat for me. She doesn’t shed any tears for Hedges or the wheelman Dex, but she goes all Niagara Falls for someone she exchanges zero dialogue with?! I’m serious, her and Sommerfield didn’t talk to each other throughout that entire film!
When it came to the villains, Blade Trinity’s might as well have been the Three Stooges. While Parker Posey had her moments, on the whole, Danica Talos was more annoying than threatening. Then you’ve got WWE wrestler HHH as one of her henchmen. Ultimately, he’s about as useful as an expired contraceptive. Worst of all had to be Dracula himself. Whereas Nomak had no trouble taking on Blade in a fight, early in Blade II, Dracula decided to run from Blade during their first encounter of Trinity, and used any human he could get his hands on as a shield! As much as he’s built up as “The Father of All Vampires”, like the great white shark that never needed to evolve, Dracula was a monumental pussy. First of all, I wouldn’t call him “Drake”. That’s just plain stupid. He’s DRACULA! Own it! And I would have had him killing and turning folks into vamps left and right. You have to figure, if we’re playing on the idea of Dracula, genetically speaking, being a “perfect vampire”, and the current vampires being so far removed from his bloodline that he considers them so inferior, what if he starts turning people? It stands to reason that he could create a nice little army of vampires that would be about as close to perfect as he is. Bearing all this in mind, I’d have Dracula just slaughter Danica and her crew just before the third act starts, as they’d have outlived their usefulness to him.
So how does it all go down? Now if Blade, Hannibal and Abigail are up against more powerful vampires, reinforcements are a must. Some last-minute Nightstalkers from multiple cells would be good; think: GI Joe greenshirt soldiers. Just about six or so no-names to balance things out for the good guys. They also need more protection. The costume design for Hannibal and Abigail was very much style over substance, and Trinity’s climactic battle had both of them pretty sparsely covered from the waist up. Even the vampires who teamed up with Blade in the second film had body armor. And as much as flashy martial arts action has been a staple of the Blade films, I’d have the final battle in Trinity be much more about just taking out the enemies as quickly and brutally as possible. Big weapons, explosive shells, whatever it took to at least take the vampires down temporarily, but long enough for Blade to get to Dracula, and interfuse the plague with his blood. The swordfight would probably remain the same, as would Dracula turning into a super demon-vamp, Abigail missing with the plague arrow, and Blade ultimately retrieving it to stab Dracula. The spread of the plague will still be localized to the vampires in the building, with the Nightstalkers taking Dracula’s body to harvest the plague. As an alternate ending was filmed where Blade, being half-vampire, was temporarily affected and thought dead, I’d have Trinity end the same way, with him angrily waking up just before an autopsy was to be performed on him.
Castings and Re-Castings:
Hannibal King: Ryan Reynolds is actually a good actor, and as much physical training as he did for Blade Trinity, I would have kept him around for my version. I’d have just toned down the humor.
Abigail: Going back to my “Abigail-as-Vasquez from Aliens” version, I’d probably go with Michelle Rodriguez. No offense to “The Biel”. She knows I still love her!
Hedges: I think being a weapons expert, you have to look believably like someone who’s handled a weapon, and that definitely wasn’t the case for Patton Oswalt. Hedges should have been a little closer in age to Whistler as well, your typical elder statesman who’s happy to just be backup for the young turks. Imagine Keith David, and tell me that wouldn’t be cool.
Dex: Let’s make him a fighter and not just a chauffer. I think it’d be a fun bit of casting to have Kevin Grevioux, co-writer and one of the stars of the first Underworld film.
Dracula: Given Trinity’s take on his origins, you’d think they’d have been a little more imaginative than just casting some average Joe white guy. Put Oded Fehr in the gym, give him some fight training, and there you go.
You have to admit, we’re living in a brave new world when it comes to television. Between all the original programming on cable, and the quick DVD turnaround for collected episodes of just about every television series on the air, there’s ALWAYS something new to watch. Gone are the days of viewers being bored out of their skulls during the summer, while waiting for their favorite network shows to return. Most viewers even prefer the cable shows to anything the major networks have to offer. It’s all the lovely cursing and profile nudity! Nothing says “edgy” like PG-13 level cursing a little side-boob. But even with all that in mind, I can’t help but be a little excited for the fall television season. The success of shows like Heroes and Lost continue to influence the shows we’re starting to see more and more on the big networks, and I couldn’t be happier. Cop and medical dramas are a dime a dozen, so if it ain’t Law & Order: SVU or House, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about it. So what new show is going to be this season’s Heroes or Lost? What new shows are going to be big hits for genre programming?
NBC
Bionic Woman: Can I assume that some of us have at least seen repeats if the original Lindsay Wagner series? Was I the only one who caught the team-up movie with her, The Six Million-Dollar Man, and a pre-Speed Sandra Bullock from the early 90s? In any event, the new show revolves around a young bartender named Jaime Sommers, who survives a horrific car crash only to be enhanced with bionic technology from a secret government agency.
Why I’ll Be Watching: First and foremost, I’m a sucker for female ass-kickers, plain and simple. To elaborate, the show has the team responsible for the revamped version of Battlestar Galactica, easily one of the best shows on television, sci-fi or otherwise. I’m looking forward to a strong balance between the sci-fi/action elements, and character-driven drama. Speaking of Battlestar, Katee Sackhoff will be appearing as an “evil” Bionic Woman. I’m working up a serious “Homer drool” as I write this.
Chuck: A computer geek is recruited to be a spy after all of America’s intelligence information is mistakenly downloaded into his brain.
Why I’m On The Fence:Jake 2.0 meets Johnny Mnemonic. Two concepts I didn’t necessarily care for to begin with, amalgamated to create a sitcom, in a day and age when creating a sitcom that’s actually good is increasingly difficult. To be fair, NBC’s been reliving their late 80s/early 90s heydays with the success of shows like The Office and My Name is Earl. And even with as great as those shows are, according to the people who watch them regularly, I’m not one of those people. I’ll catch an episode here and there, but that’s it. I fear this will be the fate of Chuck, especially when scheduled against Prison Break, as I have no choice but to watch it religiously, to know what the schmackus is going on.
Journeyman: Dan Vasser finds himself inexplicably traveling back in time, and possibly affecting the present should he so choose. The prospect of changing the past becomes even more tempting when faced with the opportunity to save the live of his former fiancée, who died in a plane crash ten years earlier.
Why I’ll Be Watching: The whole what-if aspect and the morality tales that have spawned from the idea of time travel have always intrigued me. Granted, the execution of this concept is usually not without glaring flaws, but it’s so fluid and open to interpretation, that you eventually just stop over-thinking it. In the case of Journeyman, specifically, I’m intrigued by the idea that he seems to have no real control over these time jumps. It’s just something that happens, and it’ll be interesting to see how he deals with that. Is he ever going to jump to a place and time where he encounters his younger self? Will there be a paradox that destroys the whole universe, as theorized by Doc Brown in Back to the Future? Will both him and his other self melt into a screaming mass of goo, like Ron Silver in Timecop?!? Who knows?!
ABC
Caveman: Inspired by the Geico commercials, a group of Neanderthals, living in present day, try to prove to the rest of us homo sapiens that they’re not just a bunch of. . . . .Neanderthals.
Why I Won’t Be Watching: You have to ask?!? Okay, maybe I’m being a little unfair, but is it so hard to just let certain things be? Yes, the Geico caveman commercials are great. My father finds them positively hilarious. But do we really want to stretch out these 30-second nuggets of comedy gold into a weekly sitcom? That’s like saying, “Hey, let’s build a house on toothpick stilts, below sea level!” Man, the pilots for Mr. & Mrs. Smith and Football Wives must have really sucked if this is what ABC decided to greenlight.
Pushing Daisies: A man who can bring the dead back to life by touching them, solves murders by bringing the victims back to life and asking who killed them. Touching them again returns them to the great beyond. This poses a problem when he brings back his childhood sweetheart, and the only way she’ll stay alive is if he never touches her again.
Why I’ll Be Watching: Series creator Bryan Fuller was also responsible for Dead Like Me and Wonderfalls, two shows that were way ahead of their time, and were cancelled far too soon. Plus, this has Chi McBride! The man’s been on fire since they cancelled The Journal of Desmond Pfieffer!!
CBS
Babylon Fields: Citizens try to re-adjust after their town is overrun by zombies.
Why I’m On The Fence: First and foremost, I don’t really watch anything on CBS. I’m sure they have some great shows, but I just have no interest in finding out about them. Plus, I kind of boycotted the network after they cancelled the brilliant sci-fi/spy show, Now and Again. On the other hand, I’m interesting in seeing how the show plans to balance drama and comedy with a zombie epidemic as the backdrop.
Moonlight:Stop me, stop me, oh stop me! Stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before; A vampire out to do good works as a private detective in a big city. (Just for the record, I don’t normally reference The Smiths, so don’t get used to it!)
Why I’m On The Fence: While the more casual television viewer will most likely draw comparisons to Angel, I’m gonna dig down into my inner geek and bring up Forever Knight. For my money, it’s a lot more straightforward and adult in terms of concept and execution than Angel. And despite the lovely ambiguity of Angel’s finale (which is gonna be nullified by the upcoming “season six” comic, anyway), Forever Knight’s ending is as poignant as it is positively soul-crushing, and easily one of my favorite series finales of all-time. Between these two great, and dare I say, ground-breaking shows, I can’t help but wonder what Moonlight can bring to the table that we haven’t already seen before.
CW
Reaper: A lot of kids grow up blaming their parents for screwing up their lives. But at least their parents never sold their souls to Satan against their will. Such is the case for Sam, who discovers on his 21st birthday, that his parents have done just that. To save his soul from eternal damnation, he’ll have to become Satan’s bounty hunter, capturing escaped souls from Hell.
Why I’ll Give It A Chance: While the potential for comedy is definitely there, I can’t help but be reminded of a show Fox had, and completely screwed the pooch on a while back, Brimstone. It was basically the same premise, but without the comedy. Seeing that show fail really broke my heart, and I can’t help but feel like wanting Reaper to fail out of pure spite. To say nothing of the fact that I just can’t see Ray Wise doing even half as good as John Glover when it comes to playing Satan. However, should it work as a comedy, I’m willing to stick with it. Plus, I’ve got a teeny tiny crush on Missy Peregrym (Heroes, Stick It).
You’d think when a movie makes 85 million on opening weekend, studio executives would be begging the director to return for another go-round. Most figured the commercial and critical success of X2: X-Men United would mean that Bryan Singer’s involvement in a third film would be a lock. But alas, 20th Century Fox, in their infinite stupidity, left him hanging for about a year, undecided on whether or not to renew his contract. Singer eventually found himself approached by Warner Bros., and we all know why! He had always maintained that he’d love to do X3, if 20th Century Fox would simply wait a year until he finished Superman Returns. For Fox, it seemed clear that they wanted nothing to do with him, but figured, if he’s doing Superman, they needed to fast-track another X-Men film, and get it out in theaters first.
First of all, people need to stop blaming Bret Ratner, and realize that this film was off to a bad start the moment Singer left. Not that I’m saying that it was a guarantee that Singer would have delivered a better film, but you’d think that as good X2 turned out, you’d want everyone involved with the success of that film back for number three. But when Singer left, he took the entire crew from X2, including the screenwriters! Leaving Fox to entrust the continuation of the franchise to Simon Kinsberg and Zak Penn, whose credits include XXX: State of the Union and Elektra, respectively. When their alleged “six-day draft” got leaked on the net, fans were pissed. British director Matthew Vaughn eventually signed on, but quickly left the project, because apparently, he didn’t want to be away from his family for an extended period of time. Although, he now admits to there being creative differences between him and Fox. Bret Ratner, who ironically had been considered for the first film, then stepped in, and fans become even more enraged. But Fox assured fans that they’d love the end result. True, the film would ultimately go on to make over 235 million dollars in the states alone, but a lot of fans were disappointed, and the reviews were marginal at best. Mind you, I bet casual moviegoers with no real affinity for the actual comic book even cared one way or another.
If I did X-Men: The Last Stand?
Looking at The Last Stand, there are some good concepts, but they needed to be separated. So I feel a two-film scenario works best. With the cure, I’d have a proper introduction of the Morlocks. Flesh out at least three or four of them, including Callisto, and I’d make sure she was a butch, one-eyed white chick (not that I didn’t appreciate the sumptuous eye candy that is Dania Ramirez). They’d be sabotaging cure clinics and causing a general commotion. As for a major villain, if anyone’s really going to take offense to the idea of a mutant cure, I’d think it’d be Mr. Sinister. Mind you, I’d just refer to him by his last name, Essex. As someone trying to explore the potential for mutation, he’d hate the idea of losing guinea pigs. To which he’d manipulate the Morlocks, helping them with their crusade, while ultimately intending to slaughter them later. He’s only interested in preserving the higher-end mutants.
After pretty much getting the shaft in the second film, this would be where we see Cyclops as the leader he should be. I’d keep all the weepy “I miss Jean” crap initially, but I’d ultimately build him up from there. We’d see him working the new X-Men to the bone, and maybe even being a little TOO hard on them. This, coupled with a desire to take the cure would force Rogue to quit. This would be a good excuse to keep Wolverine in the background, and he goes off to keep tabs on her, just to make sure she’s alright. Storm and Xavier would work to reign Cyclops in, while still dealing with the cure situation and the Morlock attacks. Initially, Beast can still serve the same purpose, working with the Department of Mutant Affairs, but also joining the X-Men in their investigation of the Morlocks. After a minor confrontation, they’ll discover that the Morlocks aren’t just offended by the cure, but they’re also trying to find the source, which will still be Leech. They’re trying to get him back. Given Beast’s position with the government, he’s already privy to this information, leading Sinister to persuade the Morlocks to kidnap him. This is what finally forces Cyclops to get his stuff together, in addition to calling back Wolverine for an assist in the rescue mission. Rogue, realizing what’s at stake will come back as well.
The final act would essentially be a twist on the original final act of the film; the Morlocks, instead of the Brotherhood, making their way to the facility where they’re holding Leech (which I’d make on the East Coast, as to not force the Morlocks to travel cross-country to San Francisco) to free him, as opposed to killing him. With the younger X-Men volunteering, Cyclops decides to split the team in two, thus giving us X-Men Blue and X-Men Gold. One team will search the sewers for the Morlock lair in hopes of finding Beast, while the other team works to minimize any casualties between the Morlocks trying to get back Leech, and the military. Unbeknownst to the Morlocks, their raid on the facility ultimately ends up being a diversion, as Sinister entrusts a certain thieving Cajun with breaking in and getting Leech. When the dust settles, everyone will realize they’ve been had. As for rescuing Beast, the other X-Men team will discover a vast majority of the non-combatant Morlocks dead. Beast isn’t among the dead, but he’s nowhere to be found.
With everything that’s happened, the political climate for mutants starts to take a step back. The cure is discontinued, but the actions of the Morlocks have re-instilled many people’s fear of mutants. Cyclops, putting all of his personal baggage aside, assures the others that they can get through this, and that they’ll find Beast. The film would end with Sinister in his lab, observing three subjects he has hooked up to monitors and breathing devices while in water tanks. The first would be Leech, the second would be Beast, and the third would be Jean. I’d even have the “to be continued” music playing, like at the end of The Matrix Reloaded, to really piss people off!
So I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have very much in common with fanboys, or at least the idea of a “fanboy”; the pettiness, the complaining, the over-protectiveness when it comes to my favorite characters being translated to film, etc. And like a lot of fanboys, I’ll occasionally delude myself into thinking I could do a better job than most filmmakers. So I decided I’d add another regular feature to my blog. And believe me, I know how unlucky it must be to name it after O.J. Simpson’s ill-fated book chronicling how he would have killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman, ‘cause you know. . . . he didn’t do it!
In any event, last year saw the Man of Steel’s not-so triumphant return to the big screen after nineteen years since the last Christopher Reeve film. Warner Bros. had spent close to a decade (and over two hundred million dollars) trying to resurrect the franchise, ultimately hiring Bryan Singer. Between his success with the X-Men franchise and the success Warner Bros. had rebooting Batman, how could it go wrong?
Well, as I’ve always said, the major flaw in Superman Returns is that Singer really based his film more on the original Christopher Reeve/Richard Donner film, rather than mining Superman’s rich comic book history. At almost every turn, the film plays it safe, relying on nostalgia more than fresh ideas born from the comic book source material. The film essentially follows the exact same storyline, even using the exact same dialogue in several scenes. Couple this with the fact that we’ve never been without some incarnation of Superman in the nineteen year gap between Reeve’s last film and Superman Returns; The Adventures of Superman, Superboy, Lois & Clark, Superman The Animated Series, Smallville, Justice League. With so many different interpretations of the character, in both live-action and animation, most of them taking full advantage of the source material, when Superman Returns is measured against them, it pales in comparison.
If I Did Superman Returns?
Well, first things first: GET RID OF THE KID!! What little new ground is broken in Superman Returns is wasted on the inclusion of Lois’ son, who turns out to be Superman’s son, too!! WTF?!?! Look, I can accept Lois and Clark bumping uglies in Superman II, but that was a completely different situation, one where Clark was completely honest with Lois about who he was. Superman Returns would have us believe that Superman and Lois made love and conceived a child, with Lois knowing nothing of Superman being Clark. The problem I’ve always had with this is that Superman isn’t necessarily a person, he’s an icon, an idea. No matter how personal he may be with Lois, I can’t imagine him crossing that line with her unless he revealed the person behind the idea. Otherwise, one could assume he’s just going around Metropolis stickin’ it to just about any old ho. So yeah, let’s lose the kid. Keep the fiancée, by all means. That’s enough of a symbol of Lois trying to move on with her life.
What’s this crap about Lex Luthor weaseling a dying old lady out of her fortune?!? If Smallville and Superman The Animated Series have taught us anything, it’s that Lex Luthor works best when he hides behind his corporation, and the belief that his evil deeds are for the good of mankind. Shit, Luthor wouldn’t even be the major villain if I had anything to do with it. We’ve seen it all before, and in retrospect, the Reeve era Lex Luthor was an utter joke. No, I’d look at our technology-driven world and pick the perfect villain for Superman: Braniac.
The way I see it, Brainiac hitches a ride when Superman comes back to Earth. And when you think about it, you could have Brainiac cause the EMP that takes out all the power in Metropolis at the beginning of the film, and have the same introductory scene of Superman saving the airline plane, followed by several other tech-related disasters. If we had to use Lexcorp in some way, I’d have someone working maybe as a computer specialist discover Brainiac’s programming, and have him try to use it to his advantage. Clark and Lois, in investigating the disasters would ultimately find their way to Lexcorp, but Lex would know nothing about it, at first. Brainiac, in the meanwhile, could be searching for more remnants of Kryptonian technology on Earth ultimately discovering the Fortress of Solitude. If it’s a must that someone steal from the Fortress, we could have Brainiac sending the gullible computer expert to fetch the crystals. Given Brainiac’s knowledge of Kryptonian technology, have him construct a device to override any security measures that would only respond to Superman. Nothing pissed me off more in Superman Returns (besides the bastard son of Superman) than the idea that Lex and his cronies could just walk right into the Fortress and steal all of Superman’s information crystals. Even the animated series established the idea of Kryptonian technology only responding to Superman. Does that just make TOO much sense, or something? In any event, Brainiac would find a way to incorporate Kryptonian technology into Earth technology, and create a new body for himself. One of the big action set pieces could have Brainiac activating an army of weapons prototypes and storming Lexcorp “Rise of the Machines” Style! Superman and Lex would ultimately have to work together stop Brainiac.
And how about introducing S.T.A.R. Labs. Even the Flash television series incorporated S.TA.R. Labs!! You’re telling me Superman, a being from another world, is deathly ill after massive exposure to a kryptonite island, and they take him to Metropolis General Hospital?!? What the fuck are they gonna do for him there?!? Not that S.T.A.R. Labs could have done that much more, but it would have established the facility as a place with qualified scientific specialist who have dealt with Superman since his initial appearance on Earth, as well as studying kryptonite and other technology related to Krypton. It could also make for a far more plausible situation under which Superman feels compelled to search for Krypton. And once Brainiac is introduced, there would be even more use for them.
As for Lois, she doesn’t immediately feel like talking to Superman. Still angered his disappearance, she confides in Clark more than anyone, and starts to see something in him, and feel for him in a way she never she felt before. Having her fall back in love with Superman is just so predictable. Let things develop with Clark, and ultimately have Lois breaking it off with Richard by the end of the film. Not that she’ll immediately end up with Clark, but she knows she doesn’t want to be with Richard. And it’ll be a lot easier to pull off, since my movie wouldn’t saddle Lois with a kid!
Castings and Re-castings:
-I actually really liked Brandon Routh, and aside from the god-awful costume, I wouldn’t change a thing about him.
-As much as I liked the idea of Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor, nothing was really done with him. You might as well have gotten Michael Rosenbaum from Smallville! But seriously, I’d have snatched up Billy Zane and let ‘em rock his clean-shaven bald head look that he likes so much. The man can play evil, arrogant and charismatic like nobody’s business. He’d basically be the dick he played in Titanic, but without the hair.
- How ironic that Parker Posey was in the movie playing someone OTHER than Lois Lane. Had Warner Bros. gotten the project off the ground back in the mid to late 90s, it’d have been Courtney Cox. Now, there’s no doubt Posey could handle the part of Lois that’s a hard-nosed, slightly obnoxious, reporter, but I also think she’s got the dramatic acting chops to make you sympathize with Lois, having to deal with Superman’s absence. Then again, anyone other than Kate Bosworth would have been better. And why are we led to believe that a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist still can’t spell!! The joke wasn’t funny thirty years ago, and it still ain’t funny!
-As for our lowly computer expert, we’ve got a wealth of squirrelly character actors to choose from, but whoever it would be, I wouldn’t want him to be a nerd per se. Just a guy who’s got nothing really going for him except his job.
-I supposed we’d eventually need someone to physically play Brainiac, but they also need to have a chilling, otherworldly voice to keep us on the edge of our seats for the bulk of the film. I’d go with John Malcovich.
Now, I’m sure there are plenty of fans who were pleased with Superman Returns, but you know what? I wasn’t one of them! Besides, you KNOW my version would have rocked exponentially!
Well, it’s been a big summer for “three-quels”, as several successful movie franchises rolled out third installments with varying results; Shrek, Pirates, and Spidey definitely raked in the biggest bank for their respective studios, but in most cases, fans could see things wearing thin for these characters. With all the faith I placed in Sam Raimi, I was genuinely shocked at how sloppy and haphazard Spider-Man 3 was put together. I’m sure most would argue that the producers played a bigger role in the film’s shortcomings, but can we really blame them for “Emo-Peter Parker”? Pirates was fun, but I definitely agree with those who felt they really did a lot of stuff that just didn’t make any freakin’ sense! It didn’t help that I saw it in a packed theater, and had to sit next to a three year-old with no concept of “personal space”(granted that’s ANY three year-old)! Why the hell was this ginger kid resting his hand on my shoulder halfway through the film?!?! Clearly, his parents have yet to teach him to be afraid of black people! As for Shrek the Third, I was never as big of a fan as most people, so I didn’t even bother seeing it.
Surprisingly, the three-quels I felt were the most satisfying both featured Matt Damon! Just goes to show you how pimp-tastic this man is, especially after his turn as a dirty cop in The Departed. As silly as it may seem to draw out the concept into three films, the third time really was a charm for Ocean’s Thirteen. Ocean’s Twelve infuriated me, because it was blatantly obvious that the film was an excuse for a group of pals to go on a European vacation on someone else’s dime. The third film aimed to really simplify things down to the foundation that made the first one so enjoyable. The story is fun and engaging and doesn’t have nearly as much absurdity as O12. And despite his character, Al Pacino actually managed to keep the scenery-chewing to a minimum! Then there’s The Bourne Ultimatum. Again, it’s very simple and straightforward, and doesn’t try to be flashy. But when it does feel like giving you that adrenaline rush you expect, it definitely delivers. If the Bourne series is over, this was a pretty good ending.
But now, as the summer movie season winds down, we’ve got one more three-quel left, as Rush Hour 3 finally makes it to theaters. This has been long in development, as Chris Tucker continually seemed to change his tune as to whether or not he wanted to do another one, and apparently asking for too much money. One can only imagine the 20 million he got for the last Rush Hour film has been well-invested, as Rush Hour 3 will be the first film he’s done since Rush Hour 2, back in 2001. And it’s not like Jackie Chan hasn’t kept busy in the meanwhile, to say nothing of his upcoming film with Jet Li. But it’s understandable that New Line would want to make a third film, with as much money as the other two films made. To say nothing of its influence on other filmmakers, who essentially ripped off the concepts of both films and ported them to Shanghai Noon and its sequel Shanghai Knights, which teamed Chan up with Owen Wilson.
Now when it comes to Rush Hour 3, there’s no doubt as to whether or not I’ll be seeing it, ‘cause for one, I’m a sucker for these types of silly buddy cop movies. And two, I think Chan and Tucker genuinely enjoy working together, and I’ve enjoyed their chemistry through the last two movies. I might as well see it through. Plus, the inclusion of Roman Polanski as a French police inspector looks to be hilarious. But I know well enough that not everyone’s gonna feel the same as me. Some people are tired of Chris Tucker, or never found him that funny in the first place. Others may feel Chan’s long since been wasting his talents in American films where he can’t do nearly as much as he’s done, in terms of stunts, compared to his Hong Kong Cinema days. And for the most part, you can pretty much see where the comedy in the film is going. It’ll be a lot of race jokes and cultural misunderstandings, and just a lot of stuff that’s bound to rub someone the wrong way. Sometimes it does get tiresome, but if I end up laughing at something I probably shouldn’t be, oh well. There’s only so much I can complain about if a comedic film gets me to laugh.
Now, I rarely listen to mainstream rap music. And with good reason. . . . .IT SUCKS! Call me a snob, an elitist, a backpacker, I don’t really give a rat’s ass. With the exception of a handful of popular artists, I can’t stand most of the rap you find on radio and MTV. It’s boring, repetitive, and devoid of any real creativity on the part of the MC and/or the producers/DJs. And nothing’s worse than when an artist rises to the top of the mainstream heap, and isn’t even all that good!
Going back four or five years ago, everyone was making a big deal about 50 Cent. He had been around a while before that though, a one-time protégé of hip-hop legend Jam Master Jay. But jail and getting shot nine times can really sidetrack a career. Dr. Dre and Eminem eventually picked him up, and when “Wanksta” came out, everyone wanted to be in the 50 Cent business. I honestly never got the appeal, and I still don’t. I find his mush-mouthed voice and lyrical delivery annoying as hell, and thus they don’t make up for his woefully unimaginative subject matter. From the very beginning, 50’s popularity was born through a juxtaposition of urban violence and materialism, but that was nothing new in mainstream rap. 50 Cent just took it to another level. It was no longer a matter of simply reacting to the hand life had dealt, it was a matter of killing and getting money for the sheer fun of it.
For a good long while though, it’s been hard for anyone to really take the man seriously (Get Rich Or Die Tryin’: The Movie, anyone?). And maybe he’s even realizing that. ‘Cause I can’t imagine any other excuse for him continually playing himself in the press lately. Yeah, I know it’s probably more about stirring up controversy for the release of his new album, Curtis, but I can’t imagine it helping;
In a recent interview with XXL Magazine, 50 spoke on fellow rapper Nas, claiming that Nas lost his fans essentially because he reads too much:
“Nas is a really smart guy. He reads books constantly. We were around him on the Nastradamus tour. He was almost weirder than me ’cause we would go to breakfast and he’d be there reading a book. Conceptually, I think that’s what made him drift away from what his initial audience enjoys from him and why he’s not hot right now.”
To quote the great poet Lil’ John: “WHAT?!?” How does this make any kind of sense?!? And does 50 even realize how stupid he sounds for even saying it?! I guess if you’re that stupid, you wouldn’t realize it, would you?
Then there’s his ongoing feud with Cam’Ron, which he says will be put to rest because his new album will outsell the Dip Set leader’s disc. Why even put forth the energy, it’s CAM’RON!! In retrospect, he’s always been a joke, long before he started rockin’ pink and paisley. Take a page outta Chamillionaire’s book, as the Houston rapper has gone on record as saying that he won’t be putting any effort towards responding to 50 Cent’s criticism of his choice to make his new album profanity-free:
“Let him (Chamillionaire) go sell gospel records, if he’s so f**kin’ righteous,” 50 told Spin Magazine. “I can write around the curses if I want to, but you can’t tell me to write around the curses.”
Then there’s his lawsuit against an internet company that created one of those ad-banner games, allegedly based on 50’s likeness, in which users have to shoot the moving target a number of times to win a prize. The suit claims that 50 was offended by the game, not only for the likeness issue, but because it’s in poor taste when considering the fact that he was a victim gun violence. This from the man whose first album cover features him wearing a tacky Louis Vutton (or was it Gucci) gun hostler and brandishing a Glock 9mm handgun!! Gimme a freakin’ break!
I mean, really, who is this man fooling?!? I guess the people who end up buying his new album.
By now, I think most of us have seen Transformers, and if you did, you more than likely saw the teaser for the latest project from JJ Abrams, the mastermind behind shows like Alias and Lost, who is serving as producer. Shot with a digital camcorder, the teaser shows a loft filled with young and pretty New Yorkers, throwing a “going away” party for a friend. Suddenly, there’s a flickering of lights, and what appears to be an earthquake. Eventually the guests head to the apartment building roof to see what could be the cause, and are shocked to see a huge explosion in the distance that hurls fireballs in every direction. They quickly scurry back into the building and head down to the street, as hell breaks loose. A thunderous roar fills the sky, then we get another object hurled into the street, but this time, it’s the head of the Statue of Liberty.
It’s easily one of the most frustrating yet intriguing teaser trailers I’ve seen in a good long while, much if it due to the fact that there isn’t even a title for the film yet! Supposedly, it revolves around a giant monster wreaking havoc through New York. Some have referred to it as “Cloverfield”, while some sites merely list the teaser by its tentative release date “1/18/08”. Either way, it’s got a lot of people buzzing. Already, a number of sites thought to be associated with the film have surfaced (www.ethanhaaswasright.com, for example), but a message from Abrams himself, posted on Ain’t It Cool News, reveals that only one site is attached directly to the film, www.1-18-08.com, that merely features two photos that you can move around against a black background.
Really, it comes as no surprise that Abrams would even take this approach. Fans of his shows tend to have a love/hate relationship with him, and even I’ll admit, he’s more about the tease than the payoff. Between watching Alias for its entire run and hearing about all the weird shit that happens on Lost, I have to wonder what Abrams tries to accomplish as a storyteller. To that effect, speculation about this project is certainly reaching a fever pitch. So far, the cloak of mystery has sparked debate about what form this giant monster movie will take on; some believe it may be an American remake of any number of Asian monster films, including The Host. Others think it might tie into Cthulu, the creature from the writings of H.P. Lovecraft. Some even think it might be a live-action adaptation of Voltron, although it’s easily the most far-fetched (i.e. “fucking retarded”) of all the theories I’ve read thus far.
All things considered, the next six months should be interesting. A lot of genre films have used the internet rather inventively when it comes to promotion, but at times, it can be hit-and-miss. This time last year, there was a lot of internet-generated hype surrounding Snakes on a Plane, and we all know how that turned out. I think the big issue with the Abrams project is that it may be a little TOO vague, at the moment. So much is left to the imagination of the public, that we have all these theories regarding its premise, and what could ultimately happen is that what we get may pale in comparison to our expectations. As always, I’ll try and take the “wait-and-see” approach as best I can, until more pieces of the puzzle fall into place.
So, I’ve already bought my ticket for the 8pm show tonight. I’ve been following the reviews, and most have been good, if not great. Even a few fans who were convinced it couldn’t be good are starting to get excited. For me, this is really the only summer movie I’ve really been looking forward to, as I still can’t believe someone actually made it. I grew up watching Transformers, as I’m sure a lot of you guys did, and the thought if it becoming a live-action film never really crossed my mind. It certainly doesn’t hurt that Steven Spielberg is involved, as well as X-Men producer Tom DeSanto. But if there’s one name attached to the project that fans weren’t necessarily pleased with from day one, it was Michael Bay.
A regular collaborator of Jerry Bruckheimer, Bay has a reputation in film that most would consider dubious. Some would even argue that he’s what’s wrong with modern cinema. But in my mind, I couldn’t imagine anyone in the director’s chair for Transformers besides him (except maybe Spielberg himself). Bay’s an action director, and for what it’s worth, he’s good at what he does. People always want to fault his films for not having the best plots or character development, but in the realm of action movies, I’d say he’s done better than most. A film like Transformers needs Bay’s eye, his sense of scope and grandeur, and his flair. And in a film like this, where much of the action is vehicle-based, Bay’s exactly the guy you should want in your corner. As overblown as some of his films tend to be, you can at least count on a kick-ass freeway scene.
Still, a lot of fans have had issues with some of the changes being made. The big thing, of course, has been a majority of the character designs. Whereas the cartoon featured characters with some semblance of a face that was comparable to that of a human being, the movie designs favor more robotically-inspired looks, especially Bumblebee, who doesn’t even have a mouth. Beyond that, fans were none too pleased to discover that the character wouldn’t be a Volkswagen Beetle, but a Chevy Camaro. Couple that with the fact that the character doesn’t really speak, and you’ve got fans ready to hand Bay his hide. With ever new character being revealed, the fans grew more and more restless. They complained that the Transformers looked too “alien”, and not enough like their Generation One counterparts, especially when Megatron was revealed. But if there was one thing that really pissed off fans, it was Optimus Prime’s paint job. Not since the whole organic webshooters debate has there been such an outcry over what is ultimately a meaningless detail. I’m talking, of course, about the flames. Quite frankly, hearing people’s arguments regarding why the paint job would be such an insult to Prime’s character made me laugh. You also had people complaining about the focus on the humans, including Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox’s characters. Last time I checked, there were, like, 6.5 BILLION humans on the planet, and the movie revolves around these alien robots waging their war on said planet!
Usually, I’ll be the one to understand where fans are coming from when seemingly unnecessary changes are made to a property being translated to film. But this just isn’t one of those times. To hear how some people put Transformers on this pedestal of greatness, and try to pretend that the franchise is more than a means of selling toys, it’s baffling to me. “Transformers was meant to comment on the energy crisis of the 80s.” I’m sorry, but I was all of five years old when the show was on! Who really looks back on the cartoon and says “Gee, that was deep geo-political shit, right there!” I’m sure the franchise has had its moments of depth and gravitas, but at the end of the day, it’s about vehicles transforming into robots and fighting each other! That’s what kids have always liked about the concept, and that’s what they still like.
I’m not saying the movie has to be dumb, but I think a lot of fans are ignoring the context in which these characters need to be placed. As always, Hasbro’s in it to sell toys, and Chevy’s in it to sell cars, but judging what I’ve seen of the film so far, the changes made to fit this concept into live-action seem reasonable, and necessary. At the very least, I doubt the movie will rape my childhood. Hell, if the Master of the Universe movie didn’t, I can’t see how Michael Bay’s Transformers could!
Damn you, Diddy!! First you have the nerve to be caught staring down the chest of my lovely Jessica Biel, now you’ve got me hooked on yet another season of Making the Band! You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now. We all should have. But dammit if Diddy hasn’t taken this show and made a delightful novelty out of it.
Now, I’ve always found the show to be remarkably flawed from a conceptual standpoint. From the first incarnation, with Lou “I’ve got some prime Florida swampland to sell you!” Perlman, the man behind the Backstreet Boys and N*Sync, Making the Band gave away too many trade secrets. It was like seeing how hot dogs are made, and discovering that the process is worse than you could ever imagine. It certainly didn’t help that the O-Town’s first single was called “Liquid Dreams”. Once that group was dead and buried, Diddy (I think he was still “P”. Diddy at this point) took over the show, promising to succeed where the first group failed. The sheer hyperbole is so laughable, there’s no way for you to not be entertained. Focusing on creating a premiere hip-hop/r&b group, Diddy selected five rappers and a singer to become. . . Da Band! What creativity, what innovation, what the fuck?!?!? That’s the best name you could come up with?!? I guess you can’t expect much from Bad Boy when they’ve had a group unfortunately named after a cereal!! But honestly, how much could we expect from Da Band? Especially when one member had a penchant for sucking his thumb?! That ain’t gangsta!! About the only legacies left behind by those hooligans are the countless rappers who still reference Diddy making them walk from Manhattan to Brooklyn for cheesecake, and one of the funniest Chappelle Show skits of all-time!!
Realizing that the only thing worse than a pre-fab singing group is a pre-fab rap group, Diddy decided to try his luck at putting together a girl group. For what it’s worth, the ladies of Danity Kane are much easier on the eyes and ears than that group with the cereal-based name. But let’s face it, that ain’t sayin’ much, and no one’s waiting for their next album. Like every other reality show, the end product of Making The Band is irrelevant. The fun is in the show itself, and seeing what goes into creating what will ultimately be a disposable product. The drama, the pomp and arrogance, the emotional breakdowns, etc. It’s fun to see these people chase after a dream like a rabbit running after a carrot hung from a fishing pole. And once again, Diddy’s got my dumb ass hooked! This time around, things have pretty much come full circle, as the music mogul sets out to create a male pop/r&b group destined to dominate the charts. . . . at least for that first week after their album drops.
With the premiere episode, you ALMOST get the impression Diddy’s not dickin’ around this time. In addition to his regular crew of producers, vocal coaches, and choreographer Laurie Ann Robinson, Diddy’s even wrangled New Edition member and Boyz II Men mastermind Michael Bivens. Sure enough, we got a whole rack of dudes belting out “End of the Road” during the auditions. For the most part, the preliminary auditions phases were pretty standard. There were a lot of good singers, but not necessarily great singers. When we’re talking r&b, I set the bar pretty high, and unless you’re a good all-around musician, I probably won’t pay much attention to you. As with all reality shows, though, you eventually get the weirdoes. For my money, nothing’s weirder than the forty year-old white dude in a Coogi sweater belting out old-school Stevie Wonder. But who do we root for? Who do we hate with a fiery passion?
After picking somewhere around sixty or so guys from about five cities, Diddy’s team starts going to work on seeing who’s gonna learn the most if selected for the top twenty. One of the standouts, right from the beginning, is Dan, a husky white dude who really knows how to hit the high notes AND can dance his ever-lovin’ ass off. It’s hard not to be impressed by him. Then there’s Michael, another husky boy, but he’s far more hindered by his weight than Dan, and Diddy makes it clear that he’s gonna have to whip things into shape to keep up with everyone else. Naturally, you’ve got the choirboy, as Julius goes against his reverend father’s wishes to pursue his dreams (awwww!!). Frankly, I found him a little boring, and at the moment, he can’t dance worth a damn. Ultimately, they all make the top twenty, but it’s Korean immigrant Sam (hailing from the DC-Metro area, like yours truly), that really put a smile on my face, and I was sad to see him go. The boy did Luther, you know who I’m talkin’ ‘bout! He did Luther, and did it GOOD! Granted, he probably didn’t have the versatility for the more upbeat pop/r&b that Diddy probably wants these guys to do, but the boy had heart! I’d have liked to see more from him.
But this should be interesting, to say the least. It’ll make for damn good television, if nothing else. There will be fighting, bitching, crying, dancing, singing, and rumor has it, Diddy throws a chair at somebody!! I can’t wait!
With all the movie franchises on their third outings this summer, it’s nice to see a franchise break the monotony and merely come out with their . . . .second outing. Next week sees the release of Fantastic Four – Rise of the Silver Surfer, and I can’t lie, I’m really looking forward to it. I know a lot of critics slammed the first film, and for many fans of the comic, it didn’t feel “epic” enough. I can definitely agree with that, but it was nice to see a comic movie that wasn’t a story about a dark, brooding loner, for once. Conceptually, Fantastic Four lent itself to the lighthearted, comedic tone the film ultimately presented. With all the masked vigilante comic movies that have come out, bringing Fantastic Four to film finally presented superheroes as highly public figures, to the point where they didn’t even bother with secret identities. It was also nice to see Michael Chiklis as Thing, ‘cause I couldn’t picture anyone else in the role. If there was any casting issue, it was the choice of Jessica Alba as Sue Storm. Understandably, fans were angered over the choice, as her acting ability is rather questionable, and there was also the issue of her vague ethnic background. Even comic pro John Byrne chimed in on the subject, albeit insensitively, with comments to the effect of Latina women with their hair dyed blonde looking like prostitutes. I eventually warmed up to her in the role, although this time around, her hair does kinda look like a “porn star” wig half the time. Reminds me of one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends from The Girls Next Door, ugh!
So far, the new film looks to have sufficiently more action, and the inclusion of the Silver Surfer should be fun. There’s an interesting subplot with Johnny switching powers with the other members of the Fantastic Four throughout the film due to his interaction with the Surfer. From the trailers, it looks like it’ll make for some of the film’s funnier moments. Of course some fans are complaining that this will lessen chances of seeing the Super Skrull in subsequent films. I don’t see why they’re thinking so far ahead in the first place. This is what happens when everyone starts thinking “franchise” even before the first film is out. Everyone’s already thinking three or four films down the line, and I just think that’s a bad way of looking at it. Besides, it’s become abundantly clear that comic movie franchises are always gonna wear thin around film number three, and even when the filmmakers are immensely talented and creative, things don’t always work out *cough*Spider-Man 3*cough*.Fantastic Four is damn lucky to even get a second film. As much as I’m looking forward to Rise of the Silver Surfer, critics will probably hate it. They’ll either have justifiable reason to hate it, or think back on hating the first film and let that factor heavily into their decision regarding the sequel.
Other issues to consider are things like the rating and the runtime; a major point of contention for fans recently has been the fact that the film is said to clock in at around 95 minutes. They were mad enough when they found out the first film was only a 105 minutes, so naturally, they feel that this is going to be a very sparse film in terms of story and character development. They’ve got a point. We’ve grown accustomed to two-hour-plus film, and anything less than that can be too short depending on the genre. A film can feel rushed if there’s not enough transition time between scenes. Pacing can suffer, and you run the risk of continuity errors. More than likely, footage has been cut that should have probably stayed in the film. It definitely wouldn’t be the first time for a 20th Century Fox comic book film. This is evident in the recent release of an “extended cut” of the first Fantastic Four, boasting almost twenty minutes of footage most would agree would have only made the film better. Even the first X-Men had its share of deleted scenes, and to this day, I’m baffled as to why none of them were included. They were all fairly brief, but more importantly, they offered moments of character development that fans would have loved to see, especially moments between Jean and Professor Xavier. But arguably the worst offense has to be the butchering of Daredevil. Watching the director’s cut is almost like watching a different movie, as more focus is put on Matt Murdock as a lawyer, and a sublot of an innocent man framed for murder is added back into the film, and everything that transpired in the theatrical version actually makes more sense. From a business standpoint, Fox most assuredly believes this strategy will pay off in offering more showings at theaters, resulting in higher revenue. Arguably, history is on their side; with the exception of Elektra, every Marvel-based film 20th Century Fox has released has set or broken some kind of opening weekend box office record on its way to grossing over a hundred million dollars domestically.
Then there’s the rating; while the first film was rated PG-13, rumor has it that Rise of the Silver Surfer will be rated PG. Personally I don’t have a real problem with it. Again, this goes to my enjoyment of the film because of its lighter tone compared to other comic book films. It’s very much something the whole family can and should enjoy. But as far as some fans are concerned, the rating means that the film won’t be as “serious” as they’d like it to be. How serious can it be, when there’s a character named “Mr. Fantastic” that stretches his body like a rubber band?!?! Joking aside, a PG-13 rating isn’t going to make the film any more serious than it already is. Aside from Doom blowing a hole in some guy’s chest in the first film, there was no reason for it being PG-13. There wasn’t even any cursing! Oh, whatever did films like Raiders of the Lost Ark and the Star Wars Trilogy do before the PG-13 rating was even created?! Then again, Fox seems to be getting into the habit of rating sequels with the intent of appealing to wider (more kids) audiences, even if the original films were rated R. Many believe Alien vs. Predator suffered from being PG-13, and not being nearly as graphic in terms of violence, when compared to its R-Rated predecessors. And some fear that Fox has done the same with the upcoming Live Free or Die Hard. Looking back on those films, you can see how they did benefit from the latitude of an R rating.
Beyond all that, fans fear that filmmakers have dropped the ball with another major villain, Galactus. A while back, Ain’t It Cool News reported a rumor that if and when Galactus does appear in the new film, it will be as. . . .a storm cloud. Even I’ll admit, that’s pretty f***in’ stupid. The execution of that idea would have to be something completely unprecedented to make it work. It’d be a shame if it’s true, ’cause they’ve done, what I think, is a great job with the Silver Surfer.
Not that any of this really matters to the casual moviegoer. Comic book movies are still a popular trend, especially after the surprising success of 300. With the right ingredients, any comic book film can be a commercial success in spite of itself. . . .look at Ghost Rider, for cryin’ out loud!
