Let’s face it, The Punisher is not a complex character. Perhaps the simplicity is exactly why he’s endured in the Marvel Universe for so long. When so many Marvel characters are defined by extraordinary powers and the issues and conflicts they face with regards to those powers, the Punisher is simply a man who lost everything, and just wants to make criminals pay in blood. You’d think this would be the easiest character to translate to film. Well. . .

Back when Marvel had this knack for licensing out their properties exclusively to studios that were on the verge of going out of business, the first attempt to bring The Punisher to live came with Dolph Lundgren. He certainly had the physique, but brawn will only get you so far, even in the 80s era of unapologetically dumb action movies. While it had its moments, most people seem to focus on the lack of a skull logo, the lack of good acting, and on a lesser note, the lack of clothing, as one scene features Frank Castle meditating bare-butt naked in a sewer!!! I know the character is supposed to be emotionally “dead inside” and all that, but it doesn’t mean he should be risking dysentery!

2004 saw a new Punisher film that actually saw theatrical release, starring Thomas Jane. Again, it’s only enjoyable on a moment-by-moment basis, and as a whole, plays out more like The Count of Monte Cristo than a straight-forward revenge flick. We don’t want to see the Punisher trick his enemies into killing each other, we want to see him PUNISH PEOPLE!! Although I did get a kick out of him shoving a knife up some guy’s chin so you could see the blade in his mouth. Other than that, the film suffered from trying too hard. Too many variables complicated Frank’s origin, and led to such ludicrous scenes as Frank’s entire extended family being slaughtered by gangsters at his family reunion! What makes the scene even more ridiculous is how absolutely bloodless it is! Barring all that, whose bright idea was it to release it on the same weekend as Kill Bill Vol. 2?!?! I guess Lionsgate and Marvel could take pride in the fact that it wasn’t nearly as bad as Man-Thing!

So here we are, four years later, with Punisher: Warzone. Like The Incredible Hulk, the idea is to not accept this new film as a sequel or a remake, but a “re-imagining”, hence the roundabout subtitling. Yeah, whatever. They FUBAR’ed the last flick, and they’re too chickenshit to admit it. Thomas Jane was all set to star in this film, but they took too long and ultimately went in a direction he didn’t like. In any event, we’ve now got Ray Stevenson, and I’ll admit, it looks like the role suits him. He’s not nearly as buff as Lundgren, but there’s decidedly grit to him than Jane. The film also brings Frank back to the dark gritty streets of New York (or Montreal doubling for New York), probably because fans cried like babies when the last film took place in sunny Tampa, Florida. Then there’s the wild card, Lexi Alexander. I’m sure some might balk at the idea of a woman directing a Punisher film, but this chick is comparable to Katheryn Bigelow when it comes to directing films sure to inspire bouts of masculine grunting and homoerotic floor wrestling. Watch Green Street Hooligans (just “Hooligans” in the UK), and marvel at her ability to make Elijah Wood look like a certified badass you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley. Allegedly, Alexander had to fight to keep the film as bloody and brutal as it appears to be in what little footage I’ve seen. The headshots alone are beautifully disgusting!

Could the third time be the charm for The Punisher? Hard to say, but I’m willing to give this new film a chance. I think it’s a matter of managing one’s expectations. At the end of the day, we know it’s not going to be Shakespeare, but one has to wonder, how much leeway can we really give this film? How much bad acting can we tolerate? How thin is too thin when it comes to the story? How visible should the skull be on his chest?!?

I think it’s fair to say that this has been a pretty loaded summer movie season when it comes to films based on comics. Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk have certainly put Marvel back on the map, after a series of misfires, while Hellboy returned with a bloody vengeance, easily topping its predecessor, and proving just how imaginative Guillermo Del Toro can be when he’s given total free reign. Even Wanted hit it big, despite deviating heavily from the source material. But could all those films pale in comparison to Christopher Nolan’s follow-up to Batman Begins, The Dark Knight? Early word is that this movie, even moreso than Begins, will redefine Batman on film. Some even believe it’s the standard by which all future comic book films should be measured. To say nothing of Heath Ledger’s portrayal as the Joker, with more and more talk of a possible Oscar nomination with ever passing day. At this point, I’ve heard too much to believe the film will be anything short of fantastic.

Pretty much picking up where the last film left off, Batman finds himself dealing with the reaction that comes from his presence as Gotham’s vigilante crimefighter. To put it bluntly, the criminals in Gotham are pissed!! If it’s not Batman they have to deal with, it’s this do-gooder punk Harvey Dent, Gotham’s new district attorney, who’s cracking down on crime so hard, even Batman is wondering whether or not he should just hang up the cape and let Dent take care of things. But with the crime bosses’ frustration, comes desperation. Thus introducing the Joker, a man so beyond insanity that he’ll prove how sane he is by driving everyone else in Gotham City crazy!! How far will the police and Batman go to stop this madman?!? Will they trade on their ideals, turn their backs on everything they believe in? Will it be worth it?

I definitely like what this film is trying to do, as all the main characters are pushed to extremes. Despite a common goal, Batman, James Gordon, and Harvey Dent all have very different ways of ridding Gotham City of crime, and I’m looking forward to seeing how these characters will undoubtedly clash. And it would appear that they’ll find themselves tested, and struggling with whether or not to cross the lines they’ve drawn for themselves. Gordon warned Batman about the threat of escalation, and the Joker symbolizes that threat. There’s no understanding him, no way of reasoning with him, he’s just nuts. There’s a lot going on in this film, but I have absolute faith in Nolan, who has always impressed me as a filmmaker. Even when he’s not 100% on point (Insomnia), he’s still better than a lot of filmmakers out there on their best day. Another five years, and Nolan will stand beside Spielberg and Scorsese as names that are synonymous with premiere filmmaking. When people were hyping M. Night Shaymalan as the next big thing as far as directors, Nolan was laying in the cut, thinking to himself, “Oh, I’ve got something for that ass!!” And I believe that this may just be the film to prove it.

Now, I still love Burton’s Batman films. Say what you want, but I still found them to be entertaining and enthralling films that very much captured the essence of Batman, or at least could tie back to a relevant era of the character. The first film was great it terms of just feeling like a pulp comic, and there was an atmosphere to it that really floored me as a kid, and still does today. I loved that you really couldn’t pinpoint what time period they were trying to represent, with the gangsters in 40s style suits, the Cagney-esque warehouse shootouts, etc. I loved all the unconventional choices made, especially with Michael Keaton as Batman, and a soundtrack by Prince, of all people!! All things considered, I don’t think it’s fair to discount Burton’s films as a lot of fans have done, regardless of what Nolan has done. That said, Nolan is really going for broke on this one. Ever since Begins, the approach has been to make everything as realistic as possible, and it certainly is appreciated. Shooting the film in Chicago certainly gives it the sense of scope and grandeur that really adds to the realism Nolan is going for. It’s also a kick to see how someone would plausibly do what Batman does, and know that all of the technology on film has some real-world inspiration. Although you have to wonder how much property damage Batman has been responsible for. He destroyed the monorail in the first film, and his approach to driving the Tumbler seems to be, “Oh shit, I just drove over a dozen cars and blew the freeway to smithereens! Ah, Bruce Wayne can pay for it!”

In terms of the characters and casting of those characters, Batman Begins certainly set a high standard, and The Dark Knight looks to raise the bar even higher. Honestly, I’m so burnt out on the praise being heaped upon Heath Ledger, that I’m starting to turn my attention to Aaron Eckhart, who has his own journey in the film, which will ultimately lead to him becoming Two-Face. Beyond that, we’ve got Maggie Gyllenhaal replacing Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes, and while I personally don’t care for the character’s inclusion period, I can at least take comfort in knowing that a more capable actress is in the role. Then of course, there’s Gary Oldman returning as Lieutenant James Gordon, and I can’t wait to see where they take his character, because there was nothing I loved more about Begins than the establishing of his relationship with Batman. Aside from the silly coincidence of him being the patrolman that consoles Bruce as a child after his parents were murdered, I loved that the filmmakers actually showed him some respect and portrayed him as the independent, iron-willed cop that has come to an understanding with Batman, and isn’t just there like he was in the previous films, to the point where he served no other purpose than to be a punchline. So for giving Gordon back his dignity, thank you Gary Oldman and Christopher Nolan! As for Christian Bale, my only complaint about him is that his voice for Batman is still atrocious!!! It’s absolutely terrible, and I can’t stand hearing him talk when he’s Batman! Beyond that nitpick, he’s doing great. And I love him as the Bruce Wayne he chooses for people to see, because he really does straddle the line of “rich man’s douchebaggery” from time to time. It really sells the idea of why no one would ever suspect him of being Batman. Bruce Wayne in the public can always be seen with at least one model-quality female on his arm, and always has a subtle way of letting you know how filthy rich he is.

As it stands, I can’t imagine this film being anything but epic. In fact, I won’t settle for it being anything but epic, because too many freakin’ people have been gushing about how freakin’ epic it is!! And with it clocking in at over two and a half hours, even my bladder demands that it be epic, ‘cause if it’s anything less, it will make me suffer, I just know it!!

Ah, one of the very few reasons to even watch MTV finally returns! From the first time I watched it, I found America’s Best Dance Crew to be easily more enjoyable than So You Think You Can Dance, and definitely more enjoyable than Dancing with the Stars, which I just found corny as hell! It just seems to have a lot more fun with the whole “competitive reality show” concept, and what can I say, Layla Kayleigh is too damn hot for her own good. Notice how all these shows employ hot British women as co-hosts? In any event, I didn’t watch all of season one, but what I did catch, I enjoyed, although the popularity of Status Quo baffled me. Naturally, it didn’t matter, because after the first two or three weeks, the Jabbawockeez would prove to be the crew to beat, and ultimately could not be taken down. The synchronization of their dance moves and their overall showmanship left me mesmerized.

Now, the show returns with some new crews looking to prove they’re the best in the country.

ASIID (Detroit, MI) – At the moment, they’re one of the most consistently good crews on the show, at least in my opinion. They work great as a cohesive group, and the even split of men and women lends itself to a lot of stuff you probably couldn’t get away with in a crew where everyone’s the same gender. They did this great bit where the ladies seductively led the men around like dogs. I’m a sucker for stuff like that. Another factor to consider is that one of their members is deaf. It just makes their routines that much more impressive to watch, as he makes it look entirely too easy.

Boogie Bots (Washington, DC) – I want to root for these guys, being that they’re from my area, but I’m not entirely impressed by them just yet. They were in danger of elimination last night, but did an impressive job with the video challenge. I’m still waiting for them to do something to really wow me, though. I do agree with the criticism that for a group called the “Boogie Bots”, they haven’t really done much that’s evocative of the name.

Fanny Pack (Los Angeles) – I like them ‘cause they’re different. They’re goofy as hell, and look like they fell out of a Delorean. The whole 80s/Valley thing really sets them apart from most of the other crews that are more of the b-boy/breaker variety. Beyond that, they’ve got some pretty impressive moves. Although I think they’re second routine could have been better. The challenges are going to get a lot more inventive, and I want to see if they can adapt.

Sass x 7 (Piscataway, NJ) – How this crew made it into the top ten is beyond me. I may want variety in the crews represented on the show, but these chicks were little more than a glorified cheerleading squad. Hearing them talk about wanting to be taken serious as a dance crew was even more comical, as they CONTINUED to pull off moves that immediately make you think of a cheerleading squad!! It was like Vanilla Ice making the case for how different the music in “Ice Ice Baby” was compared to Queen and David Bowie’s “Under Pressure”!! Miraculously, they got enough votes in the first week to stay out of the bottom two, but America quickly came to their senses, placing them in the bottom two for week two. Their routine emulating the choreography from Britney Spears’ “Slave for You” video was almost painful to watch. It actually made me appreciate the days when Spears was still a worthy piece of jailbait!

Distorted X (Houston, TX) – The first crew to fall, and a damn shame as they were infinitely better than Sass x 7. Now these chicks could do some sexy dancing!! I’ll never forget when they ended their first routine with the one girl who did one of those b-boy style handstands, and held it while one of the male crew members gave her a passionate smack on her bottom!! Little things like that gave me high hopes for the crew, but alas, it was not meant to be.

Phresh Select (Philadelphia, PA) – Ignoring the fact that they sound like a fast food specialty item, these guys definitely have some moves. And they’re all about helping the kiddies, isn’t that sweet?!? After two near-flawless performances, I’m looking for them to do even better this week.

Supreme Soul (San Francisco, CA) – They’re certainly one of the more charming crews on the show, as evident from their Video Challenge performance. They seem to already have a pretty favorable reputation among the other breaking/b-boy crews around the country, but I’m not ready to predict them as favorites just yet.

So Real Cru (Houston, TX) – Comparisons to Kaba Modern from last season are unavoidable. But if we’re being real here, these guys have yet to prove that they’re on their level. This is another mixed crew of guys and girls, and I’d say they girls in the crew are holding their own better than they male mates. Having to do the boring-ass choreography from Usher’s “Love In This Club” video for week two didn’t help, either. They may be a little too fluid, and too reliant on tricks than actual solid dance moves.

Xtreme Dance Force (Naperville, IL) – Suburban prepsters with something to prove, and it shows! This crew’s weakness is that they just try too damn hard. They’re good at strict, uniform choreography, but they really need to learn to loosen up. There’s just so much force and stiffness to their moves that it’s like they’re trying to kick through a wall half the time. And admittedly, they all look like tools. They all look like those guys in high school that had to do a whole lot to look like pretty boys, because they weren’t attractive on their own, but flashed enough of daddy’s money to get all the girls, anyway. We all HATED those kinds of guys, and I think that hatred will affect how the crew is viewed.

Super Cr3w (Las Vegas) – As it stands, I’d be willing to wager that these are the guys to beat in this competition. They certainly matched the showmanship of the Jabbawockeez with their first week routine, done to James Brown, and dressed as ninjas! They certainly know how to work an audience and use the stage for all its worth. Their moves are very solid and energetic, and the level of intricacy when they dance together is very impressive. They manage to look like they’re just having fun, while maintaining their focus. Note for next year: we need more b-boying ninjas, dammit!!

Far as I’m concerned, Super Cr3w is a lock for the finals. I’ll be very surprised if that turns out not to be the case. So, who would they go up against? I’d say right now, Phresh Select and Supreme Soul are the other top crews on the show, and I could see one of them possibly getting into the finals, more so than the rest.

First off, I have to spend a little time to give praise to Marvel and the filmmakers behind Iron Man. It’s one of the most satisfying comic book films in recent memory, and easily the best Marvel-based film since Spider-Man 2. Beyond being such a great film on its own, it’s Marvel’s opening salvo in their attempt to create an expansive cinematic universe where all of their characters can co-exist. It’s something we’ve been denied for years, but now with Marvel acting as its own independent studio, the possibilities really are endless. And while it was meant to be a surprise for general audiences, commercials for the upcoming Incredible Hulk show us that it’s already starting, with Robert Downey Jr. appearing as Tony Stark, meeting with William Hurt’s General Ross. Suddenly, the prospect of a full-blown Avengers film is becoming more and more likely.

Getting back to The Incredible Hulk, though, I had been somewhat excited, but not necessarily totally amped for the film. I won’t talk about Ang Lee’s Hulk, as I’ve come to accept that there as just as many people who find merit in the film as people who downright loathe it. As one of the producers from Marvel put it, we should think of this new film the way we think of comics, this is just a different creative team, like how creative teams change on an comic book series. I suppose that’s an acceptable analogy, and a nice way of going into the new film objectively. Still, I was more anxious than excited, more on the fence than jumping for joy at the thought of another Hulk film. Iron Man was clearly the more high-profile of the two projects, and I wondered how much effort would really go into making The Incredible Hulk the best film possible. One of the biggest factors in setting my mind at ease was the casting of Edward Norton. One need only look at Fight Club and see that he’s perfectly suited for the role of Bruce Banner. Add in a supporting cast that includes William Hurt, Tim Roth, and Liv Tyler, and you can definitely get the sense that the filmmakers aren’t half-assing it.

Then there’s the director, Louis Leterrier. The French actioneer behind the Transporter films also directed Unleashed, a film I thought illustrated why he would be a good choice for a Hulk film. Jet Li’s character was essentially a real-world equivalent to the Hulk, and the journey of that character was brutal and surprisingly dramatic. I think in terms of directing action, the man is fantastic. He shies away from the clunky quick-cut editing that plagues a lot of other action films, and shows viewers everything in full-frame as it’s happening. Say what you will about the Transporter films, but outside of Asian action films, I’ve rarely seen martial arts fight scenes as kinetic and as inventive as Leterrier’s. Furthermore, he understands how to use action to shape how the audience relates to the characters and push the story forward. The action and violence actually adds to the depth of the characters, at least in the case of Unleashed. It’s the kind of quality you want in a director when dealing with the Hulk. Still, this is somewhat new territory for Leterrier, as he has to deal with shooting action in relation to computer-generated characters. Having spoiled myself with clips online from a number of action set pieces, It would appear that he’s done a more than admirable job, especially one scene between Hulk and the Abomination, with the Hulk taking full advantage of his environment and the objects in that environment. For the love of God, he actually takes two halves of a cop car and essentially uses them as boxing gloves!!

As for the Hulk himself, I’m actually very impressed with the look they’ve chosen. I like the more muted shade of green for his skin, and the musculature is much more defined. The character designers appeared to have been very much inspired by the version of the Hulk drawn by Dale Keown. I also like that he’s a little more monstrous in his facial features. There’s just a lot of rage in the eyes and the gritting of the teeth. And while probably not completely on par with the work done by ILM in the Ang Lee film, the CGI for The Incredible Hulk still looks very impressive, especially the climactic battle with Abomination, where a lot of attention to detail must have been required to compensate for all the different lighting that happening on the busy city street.

All things considered, I’m hoping The Incredible Hulk will continue Marvel Studios’ creative winning streak.

Yes, it’s yet another regular feature that I hope to do on a somewhat weekly basis, but will probably be lucky if I crank out one per month. As the title suggests, the goal will be to report on and examine odd happenings within pop culture. Admittedly, most of my “examining” will equate to mean-spirited rants and humor some may find sexually inappropriate (I’ll try and be as tasteful as possible, though).

First up, just when you thought nothing could be more out of left field than Seth Rogen working on a big-screen adaptation of The Green Hornet, comes news that Jonah Hill is in negotiations to write a screenplay and executive produce a big-screen adaptation of 21 Jumpstreet!!! I’m still trying to wrap my head around the mere idea of remaking the series for film! yeah, Hollywood will make a movie out of anything these days, but still!! This just seems more wrong than usual. Throw Jonah Hill into the equation, and you’ve got something quite baffling. Far as I can tell, the actor has no writing credits to his name, and most of his acting credits are comedies. Not to say that he isn’t capable of pulling off something like this, but the evidence to even suggest that he could is so non-existent, that I’m wondering how his name even finds its way in the studio’s talent pool.

Moving right along, we’ve got a follow-up on a story I did a while back involving a proposed sequel to Point Break. Now comes news that not only is the film moving forward, but it’s found a director . . . . Jan de Bont!! Taking place about twenty years after the first film, Point Break Indo (as it’s being called), will follow ex-special ops soldier and pro surfer Billy Dalton, who gets recruited to help catch a group of surfing bank robbers who model themselves after the Ex-Presidents from the first film. This time around, they’ll be “The Bush Administration”. The whole thing would reek of direct-to-DVD fodder if not for Jan de Bont. Still no word, though, on whether or not Keanu Reeves or Patrick Swayze would be willing to reprise their roles from the original. Hey, if Vin Diesel and Paul Walker can come back for Fast and the Furious 4 (can you believe that? F&F 4!!!), I guess anything is possible.

And lastly, There’s the season finale of Law & Order: SVU. Now, at the beginning of the season, I was pretty amped about Adam Beech joining the cast. I’ve always liked him as an actor, and dammit if we didn’t need someone to remind us that Native Americans do still exist! Problem is, they hadn’t really done anything with him. I can accept Munch not having an engaging storyline, but even Richard Beltzer got a chance to shine when Jerry Lewis played his mentally disabled uncle. Ice-T’s character had to deal with his estranged homosexual son, and said son’s murderous half-brother, played by rapper Ludacris. Benson and Stabler, their respective personal issues have been ongoing since the series’ inception. So what is there for the makers of L&W to do with Detective Chester Lake (Beech)? Involve him in the shooting death of another cop, then have him go on the run to prove his innocense. Apparently, Lake was following up on a cold cast involving rape, murder, and a few dirty cops as the prime suspect. Evidence would ultimately prove Lake innocent of the initial shooting, but when the other cop he was tracking down walks on the rape/murder charge, Lake flips out and kills the guy in cold blood! Is it safe to assume Adam Beech won’t be back next season? If he did come back, I’d love to see how they pulled it off. But it just brings up an interesting thing I’ve noticed about Law & Order; when a detective leaves, there’s always this lingering shame attached to the departure. Law & Order: Original Recipe, just saw the departure of Jesse Martin’s Detective Green who, like Lake, was involved in a suspicious shooting, and had some dirty laundry aired out, including a former gambling problem. Can any of these guys leave the badge behind with any honor and/or dignity? Yeesh!

So apparently, Hong Kong film star Edison Chen (The Vampire Effect, Infernal Affairs) has gotten himself into a tiny spot of trouble, with a sex scandal that includes at least twenty-two different Hong Kong pop singers and actresses, including Asian-American actress Maggie Q. According to The Canadian Press, Chen took several photos of himself and his various conquests while they engaged in a number of sexual acts.

I know what you’re thinking, “Damn, that man’s a pimp!!” Believe me, I felt the same way initially. Unfortunately, Chen proved to not be nearly as smart as most dudes who have achieved this level of pimping. Having stored the photos of his sexual escapades on his laptop, he eventually took said laptop to a computer repair store. Lo and behold, the pictures found their way onto the internet!!

Now, here in the states, celebrities will endure a fair bit of embarassment when situations like this come to light. But rarely do they cause any real damage to a star’s career. Hell, careers are being BUILT on sex tape scandals, nowadays! But apparently things are very different in the Honk Kong entertainment industry, and Chen’s actions may be severely damaging for him and many of the involved parties.

The way I see it, though, Chen was pretty much raised here in North American anyway, being a native of Vancouver. And he’s already appeared in films such as The Grudge 2. If necessary, I say he should just cut his losses and head on home. And a word of advice: flash drives. . . .invest in some, stupid!!

Ah, first blog post of the New Year!! Hopefully you all went to some nice New Year’s Eve parties and got appropriately toasted! I know I did. . .and paid for it the morning after, that’s for damn sure. But enough about my social excursions! It’s time to talk about Cloverfield. Yep, we’re into the home stretch now, as hype picked back up on the project with the release of the final trailer back in November, and we’re now less than a week away from the film hitting theaters. But how much more do we really know, compared to when the teaser was released back in July?

For one, the film IS titled Cloverfield, as a lot of speculation was made as to whether it would be officially titled something else. I’m sure I speak for a lot of people who probably figured this was always going to be the title of the film, and for what it’s worth, I’m fine with it. As director Matt Reeves explains, “Cloverfield” is meant to be the government/military’s designation for what exactly happens in the film. And surprisingly, we’re still not sure exactly what that is. What we do know is that the film is meant to be treated as found footage, kind of like Blair Witch Project. The tape basically covers the events that precede the initial attack and everything that happens afterwards, as a group of friends try to get out of the city.

The big mystery, of course, has been what the infamous monster will look like. Several sites claimed to have designs and concept art detailing the look of the Cloverfield monster, but they’ve all been debunked. I have to say, I’m impressed with how well the filmmakers have managed to keep so much of this film under wraps, especially with the internet being such an accessible bastion for movie fans, hungry for spoilers for upcoming films. The internet has played a remarkable role, though, as the viral marketing for the film has been fairly extensive. There are a variety of video blogs (such as www.jamieandteddy.com, password: jllovesth) and staged news reports, as well as the websites for the Japanese drilling company Tagruato Corp., and the Slurpee-like beverage, Slusho (The beverage has appeared in other JJ Abrams-related properties, such as Alias, and even one episode of Heroes). All seem to be connected to the events in Cloverfield, with rumors speculating for months since the release of the teaser, that the monster may have actually developed due to the “secret ingredient” in Slusho. Granted, how much of this is actually touched upon in the film remains to be seen. I kind of like the idea of it all being left to the audiences’ imagination.

All things considered, I’m looking forward to the film. Hopefully it’ll turn out a bit more coherent than The Blair With Project, a film I’ve always found incredibly pretentious and dull, and I’m still baffled as to why so many people were enamored with it (I kinda prefer the sequel. Yeah, go ahead, sue me!). Cloverfield, by comparison, just seems a lot more expansive, not to mention a hell of a lot more focused. Then there’s the fact that this is actually taking place in New York City, post-9/11. Not to downplay the significance of that event, but I’m happy to see that Hollywood isn’t afraid to do a film like this. Surely, it’ll have its chaotic moments, and surely a handful of moviegoers will end up having seizures from all the shaky camera movement. The monster’s look may be disappointing, but who knows? A lot can definitely go wrong with a film like this, but the potential for it to be good, if not great, is certainly there.

For most, teen pregnancy is a serious issue, and not to be taken lightly. But under the right set of circumstances, it can be pretty damn funny, too! And I don’t know if it’s ever been funnier than in the case of Jamie Lynn Spears. The younger sister of disgraced pop singer Britney Spears, and the unofficial face of Nickelodeon with her show Zoey 101, 16 year-old Jamie Lynn recently announced that she’s gone and pulled a “Juno”. I suppose it was only a matter of time. With big sis Britney and Mama Lynn as her role models, Jamie Lynn didn’t really stand a chance, did she?

One thing’s for sure, Nickelodeon is handling things as diplomatically as possible. On the one hand, you’ve got one of your most recognizable faces when it comes to your key demographic of kids not yet old enough to drive, getting knocked up by her 19 year-old boyfriend, whom she met at church, no less! On the other hand, what do they do about her show? They’ve definitely painted themselves into a corner by making a public statement of personal support for Spears, but professionally speaking, is the network worried about catching heat from sponsors, not to mention the parents of their viewers? What’s their exit strategy from this potential fiasco?

Who knows? But I did say that this whole situation was funny to me, and I’ve got three reasons why:

1) Lynn Spears actually had a deal to write a book on parenting that’s now been put on hold. I wonder why!

2) Apparently, Britney was one of the last people to find out that little sis Jamie Lynn was even pregnant! Aside from numerous tabloid outlets and online sources, the Spears family spoke with Kevin Federline before Britney! Either K-Fed’s just that much of an all-round pimp, or Britney’s just a colossal screw up that’s all but burned her bridges when it comes to her family. Shit, when it comes to her career!

3) This photo. . . . .it’s just PRICELESS, isn’t it?!

It’s nothing new, really. As long as film has been around, plenty of entertainers have worked both music and film, and managed varying degrees of success. Nowadays, any music star trying their hand at movies is usually viewed with some skepticism. This is often the case when the films in question are clearly nothing more than shallow cash grabs meant to capitalize on the success of a particular artist. It’s so bad that we don’t even wait for the people to attain star status before handing them their own films on a silver platter. The following is my list of this generation’s most shameless attempts to turn singers (and a few rappers) into actors.

#5. You Got Served

Best friends David (B2K’s Omarion) and Elgin (Marques Houston) lead other urban youths in underground street dancing competitions, when they find themselves challenged and subsequently beaten by a bunch of white kids from the “mean streets” of **gasp!** The O.C.!! The only way to settle the score is to beat them in a citywide competition, with the winners getting a bushel of cash, and the chance to dance in a Lil’ Kim video!

Giving credit where credit is due, You Got Served knew exactly what NOT to focus on when bringing pop/r&b group B2K to the big screen. These kids weren’t exactly Boyz II Men when it came to the singing. And while the dance choreography is admittedly impressive, the film suffers from that “sitcom cliché syndrome” in which the money they’ll earn from the big competition is EXACTLY the amount of money they need to pay back a debt they owe; in this case, it’s money David and Elgin owe the neighborhood drug dealer. This all becomes irrelevant, though, when the “Cool Middle-Aged Guy” (played by comedian Steve Harvey) who hosts the underground competitions spouts a single line of dialogue explaining that he’s cleared their debt. Beyond all that, who’d be paying attention to backup dancers in a Lil’ Kim video when all the coverage would most assuredly be on her flashing vag, anyway?

While You Got Served is definitely a self-indulgent vanity project for B2K, it’s even more of a self-indulgent vanity project for the film’s director/writer/producer, Chris Stokes, who just so happens to be the pop group’s manager!

#4. Get Rich Or Die Tryin’

After surviving prison and being shot nine times, small-time hood Marcus re-invents himself as a rap star.

Hey, if Eminem could do it, right? Say what you want about 8 Mile, but even that film managed some degree of restraint. The same can’t be said for 50 Cent’s thinly-veiled pseudo-biography, chronicling his life as a “gangsta”, overcoming adversity, and getting back at his enemies by spittin’ hot fiya on the mic. There’s little subtlety to the film, as even Marcus’ gunshot wounds match up accurately to 50’s in real life, right down to the slug he takes in the cheek. To say nothing of the constant masturbatory self-deification, as evident with Marcus’ rap alias, Young Caesar. And I’m pretty sure there’s even at least one Jesus Christ pose in there, but I could be wrong.

All I have to say is someone must know where all the dead hookers are buried, because I can’t imagine how else to explain Jim Sheridan agreeing to direct this slop! How do you go from My Left Foot, The Boxer, and In America, to Get Rich Or Die Tryin’?!?

#3. Glitter

After being taken from her drug-addicted mother, a poor little racially non-descript girl named Billie (Mariah Carey) winds up in foster care and dreams of one day being a famous singer. Growing up to be a glorified backup dancer in the early 1980s, a dance club DJ eventually discovers her talent and a meteoric rise to fame ensues.

I think it’s safe to say most people, smart people, knew Glitter would be bad. But who could have guessed just how bad it would be?!? Few films (that actually see nationwide theatrical release, anyway) are as profoundly awful as Glitter. The countless clichés are bad enough (friends start to feel neglected, weepy mother-daughter reunion, perfect hair and makeup after sex, etc.). Even the ridiculous subplot in which a pre-Oscar-nominated Terrance Howard plays a vengeful record producer who hunts down and (**SPOILER ALERT**. . .like anyway really cares!) kills Billie’s mentor/lover for not paying him money he felt he was owed after she hit it big, merely straddles the line between “so bad it’s good” and “holy Christ, it’s just bad” territory. No, what really crosses the line is Billie’s most immediate response to hearing that the man she loves is dead: Singing her heart out at Madison Square Garden! It’s this kind of mind-numbing melodrama that pushes Glitter beyond the point of even unintentional hilarity.

Mariah’s career thankfully rebounded after this debacle, but between this, the failure of the Purple Rain-esque soundtrack, and her well-documented mental breakdowns, 2001 had to be Mariah’s worst year ever!

#2. Cool As Ice

A group of fun-loving rappers, led by Vanilla Ice, invade a quaint Middle-America town and teach the residents how to “get down”! Naturally, the town’s resident hot chick will ultimately dump her boyfriend to ride with the Ice!

This film is so blissfully stupid that it can’t even wait for you to actually see footage to prove it! One look at the tagline is enough to rob anyone of precious brain cells: “When a girl has a heart of stone, there’s only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.” This is what happens when greedy, money-grubbing studio executives try to be clever! Did anyone bother to say this out loud and realize just how nonsensical it sounds?!? I guess when your tongue’s too busy licking your fingers as you flip through all those dollar bills, you can’t really split your focus. Once you get past that, you’ve still got the film itself to contend with. A veritable Chex Mix of head-scratching banality, the film would lead you to believe that one; girls can be charmed with lines like, “Drop that zero and get with a hero”, two; Vanilla Ice knows ka-ra-tay!, and three; Naomi Campbell can sing! And just when suspension of disbelief is stretched beyond the point of Ludicrous Speed, Ice and the gang have to rescue the hot chick’s little brother from kidnappers!

Imagine my surprise when I woke up one morning, earlier this week, to find this cinematic gem on cable! And here I though that Ice had sold the soul of his daughter to Satan to erase this abomination from history until the end of time.

#1. From Justin To Kelly

The first American Idol winner and her runner-up star as two care-free teens looking for fun in the sun during spring-break, complete with song-filled hijinks.

Somewhere in the deepest region of the Amazon, someone is hard at work trying to decipher the true meaning of this film, as they will undoubtedly unlock a mystery of Da Vinci Code proportions! Because surely a film this vapid and hollow could only be appearing as such on the surface, thus hiding something so earth-shattering and profound that it will either unite every single man, woman, and child on the planet, or hurdle us even further into the depths of depravity and despair. The masterminds behind this couldn’t even wait for the albums to drop before shoving Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson even further down our throats. Even the movie’s title is overkill! It doesn’t even make any real sense. I’d have mistaken it for a bisexual porno flick if it weren’t so sugar-packed with so much family-friendly tripe that you’d swear the director was snorting Splenda before filming every scene.

Thankfully, Kelly has stuck to the singing, and no longer needs to use her association with American Idol as a crutch for her music career. Justin, meanwhile, may still have a clump or two left of his afro for sale on eBay if anyone wants to go halfsies on it with me!

When you get right down to it, sequels are unnecessary. Just about any film ever to have a sequel was fine ending the way it did the first time around. Even the classic ending of Back to the Future, with Doc Brown taking Marty to the future to save his children, was originally meant as a joke. But that’s just the way of such films, victims of their own success. This isn’t to say that sequels are bad. Some of my favorite films of all time (including the Back to the Future films) are sequels. But even I’ll admit that they weren’t particularly necessary. Terminator 2 and Aliens are great films, but the characters and their stories had fitting ends in their respective preceding films. I think they stand the test of time because of how creative the filmmakers were in doing something different within their respective universes (Funny that two of the most memorable action sequels of all-time were directed by the same man). Fundamentally, sequels are conceived with the sole purpose of capitalizing on the success of the film that precedes it. If filmmakers manage to tell a new and engaging story and build on pre-existing character arcs, it’s usually just an unexpected bonus. And while a lot of people focus on sequels in general, and the ever-increasing number of them we see in theaters these days, I’m more focused on what I call “Sequels: In Name Only”.

Now, with the ever-evolving direct-to-DVD market, we’re seeing more DVD-exclusive sequels to big-budget theatrical films than ever. Usually, these films are lucky if they can even retain one actor from the original film, and usually that’s enough for the studios (see: American Pie – Band Camp, featuring Eugene Levy). Barring that, they can either recast a major character, or even have a new main character with some loose relation to a character from the original. Then there’s just blatant copying of an original film’s storyline, incorporating a whole slew of different characters. The result is a collection of soon-to-be classics like American Psycho 2, Save the Last Dance 2, the seemingly never-ending series of Bring It On films, and even Road House 2!! I’m just baffled as to where the demand for these follow-ups even comes from?!? Were people really clamoring for a sequel to Road House?!? You mean while I anxiously await the day someone decides to make a sequel to Kuffs (like Christian Slater and Milla Jovovich have anything better to do!), Someone actually dug up this turd from Patrick Swayze’s heyday, and deemed it worthy of re-visitation?!?! BLASPHEMY!! And I swear to God, people REALLY need to stop making Hellraiser sequels!!! It’s so to the point that Doug Bradley just pops up for ten seconds to say, “Remember me, I’m Pinhead! Well, see ya next time!!”

But to truly experience the headbanging, teeth-grating, hair pulling banality of the SINO phenomenon, one need look no further than such recent films as Behind Enemy Lines 2: The Axis of Evil, 8mm 2, and Young Adolescent Behavior: Havoc 2. What needs to be addressed is the fact that films like these, more often than not, were never meant to have ANY relation to the films they claim to be sequels of!! For whatever reason, the studios believe that connecting these direct-to-DVD offerings to pre-existing films will increase their marketability. It’s a halfway decent idea on paper, but I’d like to think they’d look to more successful films than Behind Enemy Lines, and especially Havoc, to piggyback on. Who even SAW Havoc?!? More appropriately, who saw Havoc and thought it was a good film?!? The scene with gang members running a train on Bijou Phillips and Anna Hathaway didn’t even hold my attention! If anything, “Young Adolescent Behavior” should be the banner under which all films about slutty, over-privileged white kids, should reside. Going by that logic retroactively, Young Adolescent Behavior: Havoc 2 should really be titled “Young Adolescent Behavior: Part 2,369”. The sad thing is that I’m probably rounding that number down!

And at the end of the day, you have to wonder how these lesser-known filmmakers feel, having a film they meant to be totally original (relatively speaking, anyway) get slapped with the title of some other film with no connection at all to their work. That’s not to say that all their films would even be worth seeing, but at least potential viewers wouldn’t have any pre-conceived notions. Better for a film to be judged on its own merit, than judged based on external factors.