Download/Stream – Killin’ Dem

B-b-b-but wait, it gets worse!!! Take a gander of the concept art for the Phantom’s new costume, courtesy of Sci Fi Wire:

As you can see, they’ve managed to do the impossible, out-gaying the original comic book costume! That alone is a remarkable feat!!

Quest Crew (Chris Brown – “Forever”): A bit distracting given the artist in question, but getting past that, Quest’s performance was good. It was solid, and technically very well executed. Beyond that, there wasn’t really much we haven?t seen before from them. It’s still strong, I just feel the challenges being given just aren’t that “challenging” anymore. They’re not being pushed they way they’ve been in the past.

Beat Freaks (Katy Perry – “Hot n’ Cold”): Now, I think some of the moves and transitions could have been a little cleaner, but still, this was one of the best performances of the season. The opening robotic section was ridiculously intricate, the quick nod to “Beat It” was great, and I definitely agree with the judges, their use of props continues to be on point. To say nothing of the headspin at the end! And I didn’t even notice that she actually put her shades back on WHILE doing the headspin, until I saw the slo-mo.

BOTTOM TWO

Strikers All-Stars (Daddy Yankee): It was nice to see them challenge themselves by incorporating some b-boy moves, ’cause the other crews did kind of stay in their comfort zone. I give it up to Strikers for at least trying to do something totally different from what they’ve done in the past. Unlike Dynamic Edition and their clogging, Strikers were able to incorporate stepping into more varied choreography effortlessly. But this time around, they were just too unfocused. This really isn’t the time to mess up the way that one guy did, completely missing that transition.

Fly Kicks (Rihanna – “Pon De Replay”): A Chris Brown song AND a Rihanna song?!? This MTV?s idea of a sick joke?!?! In any event, the performance was pretty good. Perhaps I have to eat crow when it comes to Fly Kicks. They’ve made it this far, and it’s because they do work well as a crew. They may not do anything you haven’t seen before like other crews, but what for what they do, they do it very well. Still, I haven’t really been wowed by them the same as other crews, and that’s always been a major thing hindering them. There’s too much predictability.

CONCLUSION
Can’t say I’m surprised to see Fly Kicks make it. The Strikers’ performance should have been MUCH better, given how far we are in the competition. They should have been a lot more mindful of their competitors, because Quest Crew and Beat Freaks have had this competition on lock from day one, and haven’t really lost a step since. But now it falls upon Fly Kicks to be even more mindful if they hope to make it to the finals.

Beat Freaks (Levitation): It was definitely fun to watch. They did great levitating the ball and having it moved very well as they did their routine. The pop/lock moves were fantastic, as well. And I definitely agreed with Lil’ Mama, it is a nice change of pace to see an all-girl dance crew that doesn’t need to rely on sex appeal . . . . not that they aren’t sexy, ’cause MAAAANN!!

Quest Crew (Knife Through the Body): What I loved the most about the performance was that they did try to incorporate a story, and it definitely worked when it came time to use their prop for the challenge. But the judges were all right for the most part. At this stage of the came, EVERY performance has to be on point, and Quest could have come with a little more energy and better transitions. I’m still looking for them to clinch a spot for the finals, but we’re at a point now where anything could happen.

Strikers All-Stars (Walk Through An Object): I have to say that this was probably their weakest performance. I just couldn’t get into the choreography, and the energy was down noticeably. I had gotten used to them just going all out when they hit their steps so to the point that they came off really subdued this time around.

It’s actually kind of crazy to see both Strikers and Quest have off performances, given their consistency. I suppose it was bound to happen, and I’m certainly not counting them out, because they’ve clearly got the voting fans on their sides. But like Shane said, Beat Freaks are still bringing it hard.

BOTTOM TWO

Dynamic Edition (Appearing Out Of Thin Air): I like how their routine started, and they did pull off the challenge rather creatively. But while I liked the opening choreography, I thought they could have transitioned into the clogging section a little bit better. I can imagine it’s not that easy, but they’ve done it in other performances.

Fly Kicks (Stretching): The choreography was definitely on point. I have to give them that. They’re definitely doing better than I expected. The stretching part was actually pretty impressive. But I still need to see something comparable to the other crews, in terms of difficulty from them.

CONCLUSION
If I’m being perfectly honest, Fly Kicks did have the better performance. Them staying on over Dynamic Edition isn’t that surprising. I thought their challenge was slightly better than Dynamic Editions, and their choreography was cleaner overall. But now they’re in a true do-or-die situation. It’s not wrong to assume they’ll be in the bottom two next week, given the other three crews. And bearing that in mind, just what can they possibly do to top anything the other crews could do in their sleep?

Quest Crew (New Kids On The Block “The Right Stuff”): I’m not sure what else there is to say about these guys. They’ve been extremely consistent the whole way through, and have pulled off some very complex moves. This week was no different. I loved the beginning, with Hok putting a great spin on the pendulum move.

Strikers All-Stars (MC Hammer “Too Legit 2 Quit”): They definitely put on a show for the ladies. Damn, I need to get back in the gym. Again, great energy, tight formations, and I agree with Shane and his love of their transitions in the beginning. It came off very smooth. I definitely felt like I was back in 91/92 watching that routine. I’m glad Lil’ Mama brought up the one guy who couldn’t get his jacket off in time along with the others, though. But he did keep it moving, and that is what’s important.

Beat Freaks (The Offspring “Pretty Fly For A White Guy”): They had already won me over with the breakin’, but it’s their ability to do such a wide variety of choreography that really impresses me. Them doing “The Carlton” was great, and they really gave it their all. And the headspin was just fantastic.

Dynamic Edition (Billy Ray Cyrus “Achey Breaky Heart”): They definitely got a song well suited to their style, and they more than redeemed themselves for last week. They came out strong and had some really good transitions, going from standard clogging to their hip-hop style of clogging, to the country line dancing, and back to more hip-hop. Everything about the performance worked for me.

BOTTOM TWO

Ringmasters (“Macarena”): They’re definitely starting to get that they need choreography to stay alive on this show. They still maintain their unique style, but it’s great to see them do a routine and function so well as a unit. They had sections that were very smooth, and other sections that were just fun and quirky, but the important thing is that they made it work. The hand moves where slick, the spin they put on the Macarena dance itself, was pretty impressive as well. Doing things where crewmembers have to support the weight of other crew members, while executing certain moves always brings some difficultly.

Fly Kicks (C+C Music Factory “Everybody Dance Now”): I’ll give them points for energy. Every performance from them has been very energetic and lively. They perform like they want to stay on the show, and that’s definitely important. But they still haven’t done enough to really wow me. I’ve gotten past them being former cheerleaders, and I respect them as dancers in general, but up against the rest of the crews, they still don’t stand out enough for me.

CONCLUSION
At the very least, I’m happy the Ringmasters made it as far as they did. They were on just long enough to prove themselves as a solid, cohesive dance crew, beyond their tricks and gimmicks. I’m very happy to see that they could break out of that shell, because they could have easily gone home last week. Meanwhile, Fly Kicks are still around, and I’m trying to come to terms with their continued survival.

BEAT FREAKS (Womanizer)
Kayode: A challenge like this is great for getting the crews out of their comfort zone, and seeing if they can truly adapt, and the Beat Freaks really proved it with this performance. You completely forget that they’re a b-girl/breakin’ group and just see them as dancers first and foremost.

Jon: Definitely true. And it didn’t hurt the one I think is cutest got the lead part ;)

K: Oh, not at all. She worked it, without question!

STRIKERS ALL-STARS (Gimme More)
K: I’m pretty much speechless, ’cause I clearly underestimated their ability to switch things up the way they did. I loved the mirror concept, and they handled it brilliantly. It really was flawless, in my opinion.

J: Word. As good as Beat Freaks were, the Strikers topped it. They worked that mirrror beautifully and they were strong & clean.

DYNAMIC EDITION (Stronger)
K: Beat Freaks and Strikers set the bar so high that I really found myself less than impressed with this performance. I pretty much agree with all the judges. They just couldn’t capture the sexiness or forcefulness that was required of the challenge, and there just wasn’t any real adaptation at all.

J: Yeah, it definitely didn’t help that Beat Freaks and especially the Strikers rocked their challenges. And I have to agree with the judges that Dynamic’s natural cheerfulness was also a disadvantage here. I think that’s a big part of what makes DE endearing, but unfortunately it hurt them here. I’m really not sure they have it in them to come out with more attitude.

QUEST CREW (Toxic)
K: I’m continually impressed by the things this crew can do. The blindfold portion of the performance was fantastic, and I can’t begin to imagine how difficult that must have been to choreograph. Furthermore, they went all out when they had to do the more feminine dance moves. Still, they managed to do all of this while incorporating their signature style, moreso than the other groups.

J: The blindfold section was nuts — how long do they have to practice this stuff?!? As much as I liked Beat Freaks and Strikers, Quest topped them with the difficulty. And yeah, they were working the feminine moves. LOL!

FLY KICKS (Hit Me Baby One More Time)
K: I have to admit, Fly Kicks did pretty good tonight. They finally did something that didn’t look like a cheer routine, and they certainly pulled off some impressive choreography. I especially liked how it ended.

J: Better, but they have a long way to go before they have me rooting for them. Of course, they know how to shake what their mama gave ‘em, so they should keep getting viewer votes.

BOTTOM TWO

TEAM MILLENIA (Me Against The Music)
K: Easily their best performance. Everything was on point, and they handled their props very well. The girls in the group definitely held things together, and brought the sexiness and sensuality necessary for the performance.

J: This challenge was definitely up their alley and they handled it well. I was kind of blown away by the girls — I didn’t really expect that last bit of explosiveness at the end.

K: I knew the girls had it in them, but as a whole team, they were a little suspect until now.

RINGMASTERS (Circus)
K: Good to finally see some choreography from the group. It wasn’t much, but it was more cohesive than anything they had done before. Of course, it didn’t hurt that the song they were given was clearly working in their favor.

J: Honestly I think all the songs and challenges were suited to, rather than against, the groups. I thought this was a better performance from them. And I have to admit, the “gigantic men” were kinda magical.

K: I’m actually surprised the judges decided to keep the Ringmasters. Based solely on this week, I thought Team Millennia had a much better performance. I supposed the judges went more for Ringmasters’creativity, as they are still most unique crew on the show. But now that they’ve been saved, they really have to step it up, and prove that they belong on the show. They need to continue incorporating more choreography, and they really need to pick up the pace.

J: I was surprised too. I also think Millennia had the better performance tonight, but it’s probably like you said — the Ringmasters’ creativity and uniqueness is what kept them in the competition. They stepped it up a bit this week, but so did Fly Kicks; so they’re going to need to do a lot more to stay in.

CONCLUSION
K: Three weeks in, and we’ve already got a few surprises. Fly Kicks’ continued presence on the show is one thing, but from the time I pegged the Ringmasters for this week’s bottom two, last week, I thought for sure they’d be the ones to go. Still, the favorites continue to impress. Although Dynamic Edition may be one of the crews fighting to stay on next week.

J: Agreed all around. (Actually, did you notice the judges didn’t do much of any disagreeing this week?) If we’re saying the top 3 are BeatFreaks, Strikers & Quest, I’m cool with that. While I’d rather see Dynamic up there than Strikers, the All-Stars have definitely earned it, and are on their way to winning me over.

Kayode: I’m certainly happy for Quest Crew, but we’re really keeping Fly Kicks around for another week? Really?

Jon: And when we say “we”, we mean YOU, America :( Remember how proud we all were when we got together and voted for Obama? Let’s keep that “voting right” thing going!

QUEST CREW (kickboxing)
K: A pretty good way to kick off the show (yes, the pun was intented). I have to agree with, that there were a lot of great moments, but I’m not sure how cohesive it was as far as a whole dance routine.

J: On the one hand I’m with Shane, how can you not say they rocked it? But I have to agree with JC too — in between the great moments they did kind of run to their spots, which hurt the overall continuity.

FLY KICKS (springback)
K: Seems like something you’d expect from glorified cheerleaders. There really wasn’t anything to write home about until the last few seconds. Even more now than last week, I’m convinced this crew has no place on the show. Even if they felt like including a former cheerleading/dance squad, I can’t believe they were the best the show could find.

J: Agreed 100%. But considering they were in the top two with the fan votes, I have a feeling they’ll be sticking around longer than any of us want :(

STRIKERS ALL-STARS (monkey roll)
K: They had a really good balance of choreography, stepping, and incorporating the element of the challenge. And yeah, that does take a lot of strength, and like Shane said, to do it with such rhythm and timing is equally impressive.

J: They killed that. I don’t know how much better that performance could’ve been. Did you see how high their body hopping were?

K: Alright, but why the blacks gotta do the “monkey” roll?!?! What’s that about, dammit?!?

BEAT FREAKS (side plank)
K: Really taking into account the challenge element, and seeing what they pulled off, I was really impressed. This was another one that required a great deal of strength. And again, for all of them to do it in sync and be as creative as they were, it’s doubly impressive. These girls are very creative and intricate with their moves.

J: Definitely a hard move, especially for an all-girl group, but they made made it work.

K: Not looking good for Boxcuttuhz, as they’re in the bottom two with Team Millennia.

J: I’m surprised Team Millennia wasn’t safe. With Quest being the only other Asian groups, I would think they would get plenty of (those) votes. But I think Boxcuttuhz will beat them if TM turns in another performance like last week.

DYNAMIC EDITION (high knees)
K: They certainly got the challenge down. I fear I might get bored with the clogging after a while, though. I’m still pulling for them, as they’re definitely something different, and they’re ability to work the crowd, and be as creative with clog dancing as they already are.

J: I have never heard JC so outspoken of a group in his support! So much so, L’il Mama didn’t even have anything to add to it — I repeat, JC left L’il Mama speechless!

RINGMASTERS (soldier crawl)
K: As much as I like them for being so unique, I don’t think they can really last much longer on the show, now that I think about it. I definitely agree with the judges, they really need to step up their game when it comes to choreography. And the energy has to be amped up considerably, ’cause as it stands, I can see them battling it out in the bottom two next week.

J: I thought from the beginning they were too gimmicky. And their gimmick isn’t even dance-related, like say, Dynamic Edition.

BOTTOM TWO

TEAM MILLENIA (leapfrog)
K: If anything, they get points for theatricality. It was a solid routine, but nothing outstanding.

J: True, hopefully we’ll see them pick it up if they survive.

BOXCUTTUHZ (mountain climber)
K: I really like how their routine progressed; anything a dance crew has sections start off moves one after the other in sync with the music like the did gets my attention. I think that had a more difficult challenge element than Millennia, and it was cool the way they switched it from doing it on all fours, to flipping on their backs and doing the hand/feet movement in the air. If I had to fault them for anything, I think some of them still have issues with handling their props.

J: They did handle a difficult challenge pretty well, but once again they leave me wondering if they are a great group that just can’t get it together on stage, or just an okay group that isn’t ready for prime time yet.

K: Definitely sad to see Boxcuttuhz go, ’cause I would have loved to see more from them. I don’t know how much further they would have gotten, but I think they succeeded in being very good with their choreography, while being very fun and theatrical, something most of the dance crews don’t really have working for them at the moment.

J: Yeah, I too am definitely sad to see them go. Like I said last week, I really had the feeling they could bring something great to the
show if they lasted.

THE OUTLOOK

K: I’m definitely ready to say that my faves at the moment are Beat Freaks, Quest Crew, and Dynamic Edition. Of those three, I’d say Quest has the best chance of making it to the finals. They’ve got the energy, the creativity, and the showmanship to really keep the crowd on their side. I’d put the Beat Freaks in contention for the finals, but I just need to see a little more complexity in their breakin’ moves. They’ve shown some good stuff thus far. I just need to see a little more.

J: My faves are also Quest, Beat Freaks and Dynamic Ed. But based on tonight’s peformance I think Strikers could make it pretty far, perhaps farther than Dynamic. And despite being in the bottom two, I have a feeling Millennia can rise above Ringmasters and Fly Kicks.

Notorious certainly doesn’t sugarcoat things, or try to portray B.I.G. in a completely positive light. Much of the time, he’s portrayed as a womanizer, an absentee father, and sometimes disturbingly apathetic. But there are also times where his natural charm shines through, moments of, and above all, his skills as an emcee and storyteller. Hearing his songs throughout the film, I’m reminded of just how skillful he was. Even if the title of “Greatest Rapper of All-Time” is arguable, he certainly was one of the best of his era, and more than deserving of the acclaim he received. Acting-wise, newcomer Jamal Woolard certainly does Big justice. The voice isn’t 100% spot on, but few could really master such a unique voice. Beyond that, he brings the necessary weight (no pun intended) to the film’s most dramatic moments, and masters Big’s confidence and self-awareness.

While not perfect, the film also does an admirable job in how the people around Biggie are portrayed. Could Angela Bassett (as Big’s mother Volleta Wallace) have done a better Jamaican accent? Sure. But even my West Indian parents’ accents aren’t that strong anymore. The film definitely acknowledges Voletta Wallace’s relationship with her son, and the issues she had with some of his life choices. We’ve also got Derek Luke doing very well as Sean Combs, even getting Diddy’s signature dance down pat! His introduction in the film is classic Diddy, as he boasts about being able to survive butt naked in a jungle and come out with a chinchilla coat and an extra ten pounds from eating whatever animals were around. As for the other ladies in Big’s life, Naturi Naughton was damn near perfect as Lil’ Kim, even if her real life counterpart has issues with how she’s portrayed in the film. If anything, she should be flattered, ’cause Naturi’s breast are way larger than Kim’s were back in the day before she started turning herself into a Barbie Doll. Speaking of breasts, the only thing I’ll hold against Antonique Smith as Faith Evans is how noticeably fake that tattoo on her left boob was! That thing might as well have said “Temporary”! Beyond that, I thought she was lovely. You can see a real chemistry between her and Woolard, and also the anger and sadness in her when Faith is faced with Biggie’s infidelity. This leads effortlessly into the scene of her recording “You Used To Love Me”.

About the only two casting issues I had with Notorious were Marc John Jeffers as Lil’ Cease and Anthony Mackie as Tupac. Neither actor is believeable in their respective roles. In the case of Mackie, I can’t even fault him that much because really, the only person who could probably capture the essence of Tupac in a film would be. . . Tupac. However, I think the film still manages to paint an accurate picture of the kind of man he was in his last days . . . . batsh**s crazy for the most part.

All things considered, Notorious is a solid film. It’s competently shot, and tells as good a story about B.I.G. as anyone else could. If anything, I felt the low-budget aesthetics helped sell the story more. Hip-hop was still a little gritty and grimey back in the day, and even Diddy was just beginning to set a standard for the flashier elements we’ve seen since. For all Biggie’s faults, he was still a master of his craft, and did quite a bit for rap and hip-hop in such a short span of time.

STRIKERS ALL-STARS
J: I’ve always wanted to see a stepping crew, but these guys are a little more flamboyant than I expected.

K: It’s definitely an interesting chance of pace. Seeing steppers in the mix definitely threw me for a loop. We may need to see a little more variety though. They’ve got just about everything else going for them.

BEAT FREAKS
K: Oh snap, I’m in love! Seeing an all-girl breakin’ crew is great, and these girls certainly have the skills. Not that I haven’t seenmore complex routines, but let’s face it, you rarely see this with females. I’m looking forward to seeing if they can prove themselves beyond the novelty of them being all girls.

J: Agreed. Gotta love an all b-girl crew.

G.O.P. DANCE
K: So far, these guys have been the most versatile. They incorporated a lot of styles, especially doing the salsa bits, as well as having a little bit of showmanship with the monk robes. I do agree though with Shane’s assessment, that given the fact that this is a competition, they could have come lot harder.

J: They took the robes off so soon that it seemed almost random to me so I would say there was a failed attempt at showmanship. I just wasn’t too impressed with anything they did except the salsa, which was actually pretty smooth and should come in handy in future challenges.

QUEST CREW
K: I remember Hok from So You Think You Can Dance. Glad to see he hooked up with a crew.

J: Ah, I knew I knew him from somewhere.

K: Unlike G.O.P., these guys managed to be versatile but brought the energy needed for the competition. They’re a lot better at working the crowd, as well. And they certainly pulled off some fantastic tricks. Stuff that required a lot of skill, not only to pull it off, but also to make it look effortless.

J: I was pleasantly surprised by Quest. They seemed so different that I couldn’t imagine them meshing together, but they did — maybe better than anybody thus far.

FLY KICKS
K: Well, they’re better than Sass x 7, but that’s not exactly saying much, is it? In all fairness though, they are pretty good with choreography. And yeah, a little bit of sex appeal never hurts. Still, they’re just a little too plain compared to the rest of the crews.

J: You know Shane will try to keep them in the game. He’s such a horndog. But yeah, they were pretty meh, especially considering they’re (former) professional cheerleaders, er, dancers.

RINGMASTERS
K: Their theatricality is amazing, that’s for sure. They definitely get points for that alone. You’ve got such a great mix of styles, especially with the contortionists. Hard to believe this is the first crew representing New York on the show. Where was NYC the last two seasons?!?

J: I know, right? I keep wanting to see a straight up b-boy crew from NYC, but maybe that’s too cliche for this show. Maybe you have to be freaking contortionists =/ Honestly you like these guys? They creep me out.

K: That backflip on the 10-ft. ladder was vicious, though!

J: Okay, I can give them that.

BOXCUTTUHZ
K: They’re very cute and quirky, and given Fanny Pak’s longevity over the course of Season Two, that quirkiness can go a long way. But skill is important as well, and these guys do have the skills. I really like their choreography, especially their footwork. It’s almost mesmerizing.

J: I got an FP vibe too, but I think they’ll prove to have their own style. For some reason I think they weren’t showing their real potential tonight. Then again, I thought the same about Supreme Soul last year and they never really broke .500 so we’ll see. Also, that lead girl is pretty cute.

K: That she is.

DYNAMIC EDITION
K: Hip-Hop clog dancing? And it’s actually good?!?!?

J: I am similarly flabbergasted. I think it’s safe to say they would never have made it on the show if it weren’t for Fanny Pack. In a way, I’m looking at them like this year’s Break Skate. I don’t see them going far, but I’d be surprised if they get cut tonight.

TEAM MILLENIA
K: I honestly don’t really know what to make of this crew. They’ve definitely got skills, showmanship, and energy, but they don’t stand out the way the other crews managed to. This probably has more to do with the fact that they performed last.

J: Last year I felt bad for them because they were in the same bracket as Supreme Soul, Fanny Pack and (I think) Supa Crew on the live auditon, so it’s no wonder they didn’t make the show. But now they come back and try to do this poseur rock crap? Take a lesson from So Real and stick to the slow & smooth style.

BOTTOM THREE
K: G.O.P. Dance, Fly Kicks, and Boxcuttuhz are picked by the judges for the bottom three, and I like the whole “Sudden Death” idea of each crew performing one immediately after the other in one set. I wouldn’t mind if they did this every week. I never liked the whole “judges’ comments” thing for each of the bottom crews.

J: I’m good as long Boxcuttuhz survive :) Although, if they can’t fight their way out of this then they probably don’t deserve to move on anyway.

K: In the end, G.O.P. Dance is the first crew to go, and I can’t say I’m shocked. Not that they’re not a good crew, but they were easily the least energetic crew out of everyone. Ya gotta go hard or go home, buddies. On a sidenote, wasn’t the first crew to get cut last season an all-latina crew?

J: Go hard or go home — that’s a L’il Mama-ism. Did you hear her say “characteristic” instead of “charismatic”? And when she broke into crocodile tears for Ringmasters, oh god :( I knew those boys weren’t gonna end up in the bottom after that outburst.

K: It wouldn’t be the first time she’s used the wrong word. I’ve come to accept it. And yeah, the whole crying thing was a bit much.

CONCLUSION
K: All things considered, I’m really looking forward to this season.There’s more variety this time around, and the best thing I can say thus far is that it really is anybody’s game at this point. Last season, I had Super Cr3w pegged as the favorite to take the grand prize from day one. But as it stands, I really don’t know who has the edge, if anyone. I’m gonna have to wait until after next week’s show to make a real prediction.

J: Well, I won’t call it a real prediction, but right now I’ll say my Top 3 would be Quest, Beat Freaks and Boxcuttuhz. Maybe Dynamic Edition, then Strikers, Ringmasters and (sorry, fellow Asians!) Millenia. Fly Kicks is my pick to go next week. On a final note, I love me some Jabbawockeez, but Kid Rainen is just like another L’il Mama interms of his feedback. This show really needs JC — he’s the only one who brings critical analysis and real advice.

Back when Marvel had this knack for licensing out their properties exclusively to studios that were on the verge of going out of business, the first attempt to bring The Punisher to live came with Dolph Lundgren. He certainly had the physique, but brawn will only get you so far, even in the 80s era of unapologetically dumb action movies. While it had its moments, most people seem to focus on the lack of a skull logo, the lack of good acting, and on a lesser note, the lack of clothing, as one scene features Frank Castle meditating bare-butt naked in a sewer!!! I know the character is supposed to be emotionally “dead inside” and all that, but it doesn’t mean he should be risking dysentery!

2004 saw a new Punisher film that actually saw theatrical release, starring Thomas Jane. Again, it’s only enjoyable on a moment-by-moment basis, and as a whole, plays out more like The Count of Monte Cristo than a straight-forward revenge flick. We don’t want to see the Punisher trick his enemies into killing each other, we want to see him PUNISH PEOPLE!! Although I did get a kick out of him shoving a knife up some guy’s chin so you could see the blade in his mouth. Other than that, the film suffered from trying too hard. Too many variables complicated Frank’s origin, and led to such ludicrous scenes as Frank’s entire extended family being slaughtered by gangsters at his family reunion! What makes the scene even more ridiculous is how absolutely bloodless it is! Barring all that, whose bright idea was it to release it on the same weekend as Kill Bill Vol. 2?!?! I guess Lionsgate and Marvel could take pride in the fact that it wasn’t nearly as bad as Man-Thing!

So here we are, four years later, with Punisher: Warzone. Like The Incredible Hulk, the idea is to not accept this new film as a sequel or a remake, but a “re-imagining”, hence the roundabout subtitling. Yeah, whatever. They FUBAR’ed the last flick, and they’re too chickenshit to admit it. Thomas Jane was all set to star in this film, but they took too long and ultimately went in a direction he didn’t like. In any event, we’ve now got Ray Stevenson, and I’ll admit, it looks like the role suits him. He’s not nearly as buff as Lundgren, but there’s decidedly grit to him than Jane. The film also brings Frank back to the dark gritty streets of New York (or Montreal doubling for New York), probably because fans cried like babies when the last film took place in sunny Tampa, Florida. Then there’s the wild card, Lexi Alexander. I’m sure some might balk at the idea of a woman directing a Punisher film, but this chick is comparable to Katheryn Bigelow when it comes to directing films sure to inspire bouts of masculine grunting and homoerotic floor wrestling. Watch Green Street Hooligans (just “Hooligans” in the UK), and marvel at her ability to make Elijah Wood look like a certified badass you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley. Allegedly, Alexander had to fight to keep the film as bloody and brutal as it appears to be in what little footage I’ve seen. The headshots alone are beautifully disgusting!

Could the third time be the charm for The Punisher? Hard to say, but I’m willing to give this new film a chance. I think it’s a matter of managing one’s expectations. At the end of the day, we know it’s not going to be Shakespeare, but one has to wonder, how much leeway can we really give this film? How much bad acting can we tolerate? How thin is too thin when it comes to the story? How visible should the skull be on his chest?!?

Pretty much picking up where the last film left off, Batman finds himself dealing with the reaction that comes from his presence as Gotham’s vigilante crimefighter. To put it bluntly, the criminals in Gotham are pissed!! If it’s not Batman they have to deal with, it’s this do-gooder punk Harvey Dent, Gotham’s new district attorney, who’s cracking down on crime so hard, even Batman is wondering whether or not he should just hang up the cape and let Dent take care of things. But with the crime bosses’ frustration, comes desperation. Thus introducing the Joker, a man so beyond insanity that he’ll prove how sane he is by driving everyone else in Gotham City crazy!! How far will the police and Batman go to stop this madman?!? Will they trade on their ideals, turn their backs on everything they believe in? Will it be worth it?

I definitely like what this film is trying to do, as all the main characters are pushed to extremes. Despite a common goal, Batman, James Gordon, and Harvey Dent all have very different ways of ridding Gotham City of crime, and I’m looking forward to seeing how these characters will undoubtedly clash. And it would appear that they’ll find themselves tested, and struggling with whether or not to cross the lines they’ve drawn for themselves. Gordon warned Batman about the threat of escalation, and the Joker symbolizes that threat. There’s no understanding him, no way of reasoning with him, he’s just nuts. There’s a lot going on in this film, but I have absolute faith in Nolan, who has always impressed me as a filmmaker. Even when he’s not 100% on point (Insomnia), he’s still better than a lot of filmmakers out there on their best day. Another five years, and Nolan will stand beside Spielberg and Scorsese as names that are synonymous with premiere filmmaking. When people were hyping M. Night Shaymalan as the next big thing as far as directors, Nolan was laying in the cut, thinking to himself, “Oh, I’ve got something for that ass!!” And I believe that this may just be the film to prove it.

Now, I still love Burton’s Batman films. Say what you want, but I still found them to be entertaining and enthralling films that very much captured the essence of Batman, or at least could tie back to a relevant era of the character. The first film was great it terms of just feeling like a pulp comic, and there was an atmosphere to it that really floored me as a kid, and still does today. I loved that you really couldn’t pinpoint what time period they were trying to represent, with the gangsters in 40s style suits, the Cagney-esque warehouse shootouts, etc. I loved all the unconventional choices made, especially with Michael Keaton as Batman, and a soundtrack by Prince, of all people!! All things considered, I don’t think it’s fair to discount Burton’s films as a lot of fans have done, regardless of what Nolan has done. That said, Nolan is really going for broke on this one. Ever since Begins, the approach has been to make everything as realistic as possible, and it certainly is appreciated. Shooting the film in Chicago certainly gives it the sense of scope and grandeur that really adds to the realism Nolan is going for. It’s also a kick to see how someone would plausibly do what Batman does, and know that all of the technology on film has some real-world inspiration. Although you have to wonder how much property damage Batman has been responsible for. He destroyed the monorail in the first film, and his approach to driving the Tumbler seems to be, “Oh shit, I just drove over a dozen cars and blew the freeway to smithereens! Ah, Bruce Wayne can pay for it!”

In terms of the characters and casting of those characters, Batman Begins certainly set a high standard, and The Dark Knight looks to raise the bar even higher. Honestly, I’m so burnt out on the praise being heaped upon Heath Ledger, that I’m starting to turn my attention to Aaron Eckhart, who has his own journey in the film, which will ultimately lead to him becoming Two-Face. Beyond that, we’ve got Maggie Gyllenhaal replacing Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes, and while I personally don’t care for the character’s inclusion period, I can at least take comfort in knowing that a more capable actress is in the role. Then of course, there’s Gary Oldman returning as Lieutenant James Gordon, and I can’t wait to see where they take his character, because there was nothing I loved more about Begins than the establishing of his relationship with Batman. Aside from the silly coincidence of him being the patrolman that consoles Bruce as a child after his parents were murdered, I loved that the filmmakers actually showed him some respect and portrayed him as the independent, iron-willed cop that has come to an understanding with Batman, and isn’t just there like he was in the previous films, to the point where he served no other purpose than to be a punchline. So for giving Gordon back his dignity, thank you Gary Oldman and Christopher Nolan! As for Christian Bale, my only complaint about him is that his voice for Batman is still atrocious!!! It’s absolutely terrible, and I can’t stand hearing him talk when he’s Batman! Beyond that nitpick, he’s doing great. And I love him as the Bruce Wayne he chooses for people to see, because he really does straddle the line of “rich man’s douchebaggery” from time to time. It really sells the idea of why no one would ever suspect him of being Batman. Bruce Wayne in the public can always be seen with at least one model-quality female on his arm, and always has a subtle way of letting you know how filthy rich he is.

As it stands, I can’t imagine this film being anything but epic. In fact, I won’t settle for it being anything but epic, because too many freakin’ people have been gushing about how freakin’ epic it is!! And with it clocking in at over two and a half hours, even my bladder demands that it be epic, ‘cause if it’s anything less, it will make me suffer, I just know it!!

Now, the show returns with some new crews looking to prove they’re the best in the country.

ASIID (Detroit, MI) – At the moment, they’re one of the most consistently good crews on the show, at least in my opinion. They work great as a cohesive group, and the even split of men and women lends itself to a lot of stuff you probably couldn’t get away with in a crew where everyone’s the same gender. They did this great bit where the ladies seductively led the men around like dogs. I’m a sucker for stuff like that. Another factor to consider is that one of their members is deaf. It just makes their routines that much more impressive to watch, as he makes it look entirely too easy.

Boogie Bots (Washington, DC) – I want to root for these guys, being that they’re from my area, but I’m not entirely impressed by them just yet. They were in danger of elimination last night, but did an impressive job with the video challenge. I’m still waiting for them to do something to really wow me, though. I do agree with the criticism that for a group called the “Boogie Bots”, they haven’t really done much that’s evocative of the name.

Fanny Pack (Los Angeles) – I like them ‘cause they’re different. They’re goofy as hell, and look like they fell out of a Delorean. The whole 80s/Valley thing really sets them apart from most of the other crews that are more of the b-boy/breaker variety. Beyond that, they’ve got some pretty impressive moves. Although I think they’re second routine could have been better. The challenges are going to get a lot more inventive, and I want to see if they can adapt.

Sass x 7 (Piscataway, NJ) – How this crew made it into the top ten is beyond me. I may want variety in the crews represented on the show, but these chicks were little more than a glorified cheerleading squad. Hearing them talk about wanting to be taken serious as a dance crew was even more comical, as they CONTINUED to pull off moves that immediately make you think of a cheerleading squad!! It was like Vanilla Ice making the case for how different the music in “Ice Ice Baby” was compared to Queen and David Bowie’s “Under Pressure”!! Miraculously, they got enough votes in the first week to stay out of the bottom two, but America quickly came to their senses, placing them in the bottom two for week two. Their routine emulating the choreography from Britney Spears’ “Slave for You” video was almost painful to watch. It actually made me appreciate the days when Spears was still a worthy piece of jailbait!

Distorted X (Houston, TX) – The first crew to fall, and a damn shame as they were infinitely better than Sass x 7. Now these chicks could do some sexy dancing!! I’ll never forget when they ended their first routine with the one girl who did one of those b-boy style handstands, and held it while one of the male crew members gave her a passionate smack on her bottom!! Little things like that gave me high hopes for the crew, but alas, it was not meant to be.

Phresh Select (Philadelphia, PA) – Ignoring the fact that they sound like a fast food specialty item, these guys definitely have some moves. And they’re all about helping the kiddies, isn’t that sweet?!? After two near-flawless performances, I’m looking for them to do even better this week.

Supreme Soul (San Francisco, CA) – They’re certainly one of the more charming crews on the show, as evident from their Video Challenge performance. They seem to already have a pretty favorable reputation among the other breaking/b-boy crews around the country, but I’m not ready to predict them as favorites just yet.

So Real Cru (Houston, TX) – Comparisons to Kaba Modern from last season are unavoidable. But if we’re being real here, these guys have yet to prove that they’re on their level. This is another mixed crew of guys and girls, and I’d say they girls in the crew are holding their own better than they male mates. Having to do the boring-ass choreography from Usher’s “Love In This Club” video for week two didn’t help, either. They may be a little too fluid, and too reliant on tricks than actual solid dance moves.

Xtreme Dance Force (Naperville, IL) – Suburban prepsters with something to prove, and it shows! This crew’s weakness is that they just try too damn hard. They’re good at strict, uniform choreography, but they really need to learn to loosen up. There’s just so much force and stiffness to their moves that it’s like they’re trying to kick through a wall half the time. And admittedly, they all look like tools. They all look like those guys in high school that had to do a whole lot to look like pretty boys, because they weren’t attractive on their own, but flashed enough of daddy’s money to get all the girls, anyway. We all HATED those kinds of guys, and I think that hatred will affect how the crew is viewed.

Super Cr3w (Las Vegas) – As it stands, I’d be willing to wager that these are the guys to beat in this competition. They certainly matched the showmanship of the Jabbawockeez with their first week routine, done to James Brown, and dressed as ninjas! They certainly know how to work an audience and use the stage for all its worth. Their moves are very solid and energetic, and the level of intricacy when they dance together is very impressive. They manage to look like they’re just having fun, while maintaining their focus. Note for next year: we need more b-boying ninjas, dammit!!

Far as I’m concerned, Super Cr3w is a lock for the finals. I’ll be very surprised if that turns out not to be the case. So, who would they go up against? I’d say right now, Phresh Select and Supreme Soul are the other top crews on the show, and I could see one of them possibly getting into the finals, more so than the rest.

Getting back to The Incredible Hulk, though, I had been somewhat excited, but not necessarily totally amped for the film. I won’t talk about Ang Lee’s Hulk, as I’ve come to accept that there as just as many people who find merit in the film as people who downright loathe it. As one of the producers from Marvel put it, we should think of this new film the way we think of comics, this is just a different creative team, like how creative teams change on an comic book series. I suppose that’s an acceptable analogy, and a nice way of going into the new film objectively. Still, I was more anxious than excited, more on the fence than jumping for joy at the thought of another Hulk film. Iron Man was clearly the more high-profile of the two projects, and I wondered how much effort would really go into making The Incredible Hulk the best film possible. One of the biggest factors in setting my mind at ease was the casting of Edward Norton. One need only look at Fight Club and see that he’s perfectly suited for the role of Bruce Banner. Add in a supporting cast that includes William Hurt, Tim Roth, and Liv Tyler, and you can definitely get the sense that the filmmakers aren’t half-assing it.

Then there’s the director, Louis Leterrier. The French actioneer behind the Transporter films also directed Unleashed, a film I thought illustrated why he would be a good choice for a Hulk film. Jet Li’s character was essentially a real-world equivalent to the Hulk, and the journey of that character was brutal and surprisingly dramatic. I think in terms of directing action, the man is fantastic. He shies away from the clunky quick-cut editing that plagues a lot of other action films, and shows viewers everything in full-frame as it’s happening. Say what you will about the Transporter films, but outside of Asian action films, I’ve rarely seen martial arts fight scenes as kinetic and as inventive as Leterrier’s. Furthermore, he understands how to use action to shape how the audience relates to the characters and push the story forward. The action and violence actually adds to the depth of the characters, at least in the case of Unleashed. It’s the kind of quality you want in a director when dealing with the Hulk. Still, this is somewhat new territory for Leterrier, as he has to deal with shooting action in relation to computer-generated characters. Having spoiled myself with clips online from a number of action set pieces, It would appear that he’s done a more than admirable job, especially one scene between Hulk and the Abomination, with the Hulk taking full advantage of his environment and the objects in that environment. For the love of God, he actually takes two halves of a cop car and essentially uses them as boxing gloves!!

As for the Hulk himself, I’m actually very impressed with the look they’ve chosen. I like the more muted shade of green for his skin, and the musculature is much more defined. The character designers appeared to have been very much inspired by the version of the Hulk drawn by Dale Keown. I also like that he’s a little more monstrous in his facial features. There’s just a lot of rage in the eyes and the gritting of the teeth. And while probably not completely on par with the work done by ILM in the Ang Lee film, the CGI for The Incredible Hulk still looks very impressive, especially the climactic battle with Abomination, where a lot of attention to detail must have been required to compensate for all the different lighting that happening on the busy city street.

All things considered, I’m hoping The Incredible Hulk will continue Marvel Studios’ creative winning streak.

First up, just when you thought nothing could be more out of left field than Seth Rogen working on a big-screen adaptation of The Green Hornet, comes news that Jonah Hill is in negotiations to write a screenplay and executive produce a big-screen adaptation of 21 Jumpstreet!!! I’m still trying to wrap my head around the mere idea of remaking the series for film! yeah, Hollywood will make a movie out of anything these days, but still!! This just seems more wrong than usual. Throw Jonah Hill into the equation, and you’ve got something quite baffling. Far as I can tell, the actor has no writing credits to his name, and most of his acting credits are comedies. Not to say that he isn’t capable of pulling off something like this, but the evidence to even suggest that he could is so non-existent, that I’m wondering how his name even finds its way in the studio’s talent pool.

Moving right along, we’ve got a follow-up on a story I did a while back involving a proposed sequel to Point Break. Now comes news that not only is the film moving forward, but it’s found a director . . . . Jan de Bont!! Taking place about twenty years after the first film, Point Break Indo (as it’s being called), will follow ex-special ops soldier and pro surfer Billy Dalton, who gets recruited to help catch a group of surfing bank robbers who model themselves after the Ex-Presidents from the first film. This time around, they’ll be “The Bush Administration”. The whole thing would reek of direct-to-DVD fodder if not for Jan de Bont. Still no word, though, on whether or not Keanu Reeves or Patrick Swayze would be willing to reprise their roles from the original. Hey, if Vin Diesel and Paul Walker can come back for Fast and the Furious 4 (can you believe that? F&F 4!!!), I guess anything is possible.

And lastly, There’s the season finale of Law & Order: SVU. Now, at the beginning of the season, I was pretty amped about Adam Beech joining the cast. I’ve always liked him as an actor, and dammit if we didn’t need someone to remind us that Native Americans do still exist! Problem is, they hadn’t really done anything with him. I can accept Munch not having an engaging storyline, but even Richard Beltzer got a chance to shine when Jerry Lewis played his mentally disabled uncle. Ice-T’s character had to deal with his estranged homosexual son, and said son’s murderous half-brother, played by rapper Ludacris. Benson and Stabler, their respective personal issues have been ongoing since the series’ inception. So what is there for the makers of L&W to do with Detective Chester Lake (Beech)? Involve him in the shooting death of another cop, then have him go on the run to prove his innocense. Apparently, Lake was following up on a cold cast involving rape, murder, and a few dirty cops as the prime suspect. Evidence would ultimately prove Lake innocent of the initial shooting, but when the other cop he was tracking down walks on the rape/murder charge, Lake flips out and kills the guy in cold blood! Is it safe to assume Adam Beech won’t be back next season? If he did come back, I’d love to see how they pulled it off. But it just brings up an interesting thing I’ve noticed about Law & Order; when a detective leaves, there’s always this lingering shame attached to the departure. Law & Order: Original Recipe, just saw the departure of Jesse Martin’s Detective Green who, like Lake, was involved in a suspicious shooting, and had some dirty laundry aired out, including a former gambling problem. Can any of these guys leave the badge behind with any honor and/or dignity? Yeesh!

I know what you’re thinking, “Damn, that man’s a pimp!!” Believe me, I felt the same way initially. Unfortunately, Chen proved to not be nearly as smart as most dudes who have achieved this level of pimping. Having stored the photos of his sexual escapades on his laptop, he eventually took said laptop to a computer repair store. Lo and behold, the pictures found their way onto the internet!!

Now, here in the states, celebrities will endure a fair bit of embarassment when situations like this come to light. But rarely do they cause any real damage to a star’s career. Hell, careers are being BUILT on sex tape scandals, nowadays! But apparently things are very different in the Honk Kong entertainment industry, and Chen’s actions may be severely damaging for him and many of the involved parties.

The way I see it, though, Chen was pretty much raised here in North American anyway, being a native of Vancouver. And he’s already appeared in films such as The Grudge 2. If necessary, I say he should just cut his losses and head on home. And a word of advice: flash drives. . . .invest in some, stupid!!

For one, the film IS titled Cloverfield, as a lot of speculation was made as to whether it would be officially titled something else. I’m sure I speak for a lot of people who probably figured this was always going to be the title of the film, and for what it’s worth, I’m fine with it. As director Matt Reeves explains, “Cloverfield” is meant to be the government/military’s designation for what exactly happens in the film. And surprisingly, we’re still not sure exactly what that is. What we do know is that the film is meant to be treated as found footage, kind of like Blair Witch Project. The tape basically covers the events that precede the initial attack and everything that happens afterwards, as a group of friends try to get out of the city.

The big mystery, of course, has been what the infamous monster will look like. Several sites claimed to have designs and concept art detailing the look of the Cloverfield monster, but they’ve all been debunked. I have to say, I’m impressed with how well the filmmakers have managed to keep so much of this film under wraps, especially with the internet being such an accessible bastion for movie fans, hungry for spoilers for upcoming films. The internet has played a remarkable role, though, as the viral marketing for the film has been fairly extensive. There are a variety of video blogs (such as www.jamieandteddy.com, password: jllovesth) and staged news reports, as well as the websites for the Japanese drilling company Tagruato Corp., and the Slurpee-like beverage, Slusho (The beverage has appeared in other JJ Abrams-related properties, such as Alias, and even one episode of Heroes). All seem to be connected to the events in Cloverfield, with rumors speculating for months since the release of the teaser, that the monster may have actually developed due to the “secret ingredient” in Slusho. Granted, how much of this is actually touched upon in the film remains to be seen. I kind of like the idea of it all being left to the audiences’ imagination.

All things considered, I’m looking forward to the film. Hopefully it’ll turn out a bit more coherent than The Blair With Project, a film I’ve always found incredibly pretentious and dull, and I’m still baffled as to why so many people were enamored with it (I kinda prefer the sequel. Yeah, go ahead, sue me!). Cloverfield, by comparison, just seems a lot more expansive, not to mention a hell of a lot more focused. Then there’s the fact that this is actually taking place in New York City, post-9/11. Not to downplay the significance of that event, but I’m happy to see that Hollywood isn’t afraid to do a film like this. Surely, it’ll have its chaotic moments, and surely a handful of moviegoers will end up having seizures from all the shaky camera movement. The monster’s look may be disappointing, but who knows? A lot can definitely go wrong with a film like this, but the potential for it to be good, if not great, is certainly there.

One thing’s for sure, Nickelodeon is handling things as diplomatically as possible. On the one hand, you’ve got one of your most recognizable faces when it comes to your key demographic of kids not yet old enough to drive, getting knocked up by her 19 year-old boyfriend, whom she met at church, no less! On the other hand, what do they do about her show? They’ve definitely painted themselves into a corner by making a public statement of personal support for Spears, but professionally speaking, is the network worried about catching heat from sponsors, not to mention the parents of their viewers? What’s their exit strategy from this potential fiasco?

Who knows? But I did say that this whole situation was funny to me, and I’ve got three reasons why:

1) Lynn Spears actually had a deal to write a book on parenting that’s now been put on hold. I wonder why!

2) Apparently, Britney was one of the last people to find out that little sis Jamie Lynn was even pregnant! Aside from numerous tabloid outlets and online sources, the Spears family spoke with Kevin Federline before Britney! Either K-Fed’s just that much of an all-round pimp, or Britney’s just a colossal screw up that’s all but burned her bridges when it comes to her family. Shit, when it comes to her career!

3) This photo. . . . .it’s just PRICELESS, isn’t it?!

#5. You Got Served

Best friends David (B2K’s Omarion) and Elgin (Marques Houston) lead other urban youths in underground street dancing competitions, when they find themselves challenged and subsequently beaten by a bunch of white kids from the “mean streets” of **gasp!** The O.C.!! The only way to settle the score is to beat them in a citywide competition, with the winners getting a bushel of cash, and the chance to dance in a Lil’ Kim video!

Giving credit where credit is due, You Got Served knew exactly what NOT to focus on when bringing pop/r&b group B2K to the big screen. These kids weren’t exactly Boyz II Men when it came to the singing. And while the dance choreography is admittedly impressive, the film suffers from that “sitcom cliché syndrome” in which the money they’ll earn from the big competition is EXACTLY the amount of money they need to pay back a debt they owe; in this case, it’s money David and Elgin owe the neighborhood drug dealer. This all becomes irrelevant, though, when the “Cool Middle-Aged Guy” (played by comedian Steve Harvey) who hosts the underground competitions spouts a single line of dialogue explaining that he’s cleared their debt. Beyond all that, who’d be paying attention to backup dancers in a Lil’ Kim video when all the coverage would most assuredly be on her flashing vag, anyway?

While You Got Served is definitely a self-indulgent vanity project for B2K, it’s even more of a self-indulgent vanity project for the film’s director/writer/producer, Chris Stokes, who just so happens to be the pop group’s manager!

#4. Get Rich Or Die Tryin’

After surviving prison and being shot nine times, small-time hood Marcus re-invents himself as a rap star.

Hey, if Eminem could do it, right? Say what you want about 8 Mile, but even that film managed some degree of restraint. The same can’t be said for 50 Cent’s thinly-veiled pseudo-biography, chronicling his life as a “gangsta”, overcoming adversity, and getting back at his enemies by spittin’ hot fiya on the mic. There’s little subtlety to the film, as even Marcus’ gunshot wounds match up accurately to 50’s in real life, right down to the slug he takes in the cheek. To say nothing of the constant masturbatory self-deification, as evident with Marcus’ rap alias, Young Caesar. And I’m pretty sure there’s even at least one Jesus Christ pose in there, but I could be wrong.

All I have to say is someone must know where all the dead hookers are buried, because I can’t imagine how else to explain Jim Sheridan agreeing to direct this slop! How do you go from My Left Foot, The Boxer, and In America, to Get Rich Or Die Tryin’?!?

#3. Glitter

After being taken from her drug-addicted mother, a poor little racially non-descript girl named Billie (Mariah Carey) winds up in foster care and dreams of one day being a famous singer. Growing up to be a glorified backup dancer in the early 1980s, a dance club DJ eventually discovers her talent and a meteoric rise to fame ensues.

I think it’s safe to say most people, smart people, knew Glitter would be bad. But who could have guessed just how bad it would be?!? Few films (that actually see nationwide theatrical release, anyway) are as profoundly awful as Glitter. The countless clichés are bad enough (friends start to feel neglected, weepy mother-daughter reunion, perfect hair and makeup after sex, etc.). Even the ridiculous subplot in which a pre-Oscar-nominated Terrance Howard plays a vengeful record producer who hunts down and (**SPOILER ALERT**. . .like anyway really cares!) kills Billie’s mentor/lover for not paying him money he felt he was owed after she hit it big, merely straddles the line between “so bad it’s good” and “holy Christ, it’s just bad” territory. No, what really crosses the line is Billie’s most immediate response to hearing that the man she loves is dead: Singing her heart out at Madison Square Garden! It’s this kind of mind-numbing melodrama that pushes Glitter beyond the point of even unintentional hilarity.

Mariah’s career thankfully rebounded after this debacle, but between this, the failure of the Purple Rain-esque soundtrack, and her well-documented mental breakdowns, 2001 had to be Mariah’s worst year ever!

#2. Cool As Ice

A group of fun-loving rappers, led by Vanilla Ice, invade a quaint Middle-America town and teach the residents how to “get down”! Naturally, the town’s resident hot chick will ultimately dump her boyfriend to ride with the Ice!

This film is so blissfully stupid that it can’t even wait for you to actually see footage to prove it! One look at the tagline is enough to rob anyone of precious brain cells: “When a girl has a heart of stone, there’s only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.” This is what happens when greedy, money-grubbing studio executives try to be clever! Did anyone bother to say this out loud and realize just how nonsensical it sounds?!? I guess when your tongue’s too busy licking your fingers as you flip through all those dollar bills, you can’t really split your focus. Once you get past that, you’ve still got the film itself to contend with. A veritable Chex Mix of head-scratching banality, the film would lead you to believe that one; girls can be charmed with lines like, “Drop that zero and get with a hero”, two; Vanilla Ice knows ka-ra-tay!, and three; Naomi Campbell can sing! And just when suspension of disbelief is stretched beyond the point of Ludicrous Speed, Ice and the gang have to rescue the hot chick’s little brother from kidnappers!

Imagine my surprise when I woke up one morning, earlier this week, to find this cinematic gem on cable! And here I though that Ice had sold the soul of his daughter to Satan to erase this abomination from history until the end of time.

#1. From Justin To Kelly

The first American Idol winner and her runner-up star as two care-free teens looking for fun in the sun during spring-break, complete with song-filled hijinks.

Somewhere in the deepest region of the Amazon, someone is hard at work trying to decipher the true meaning of this film, as they will undoubtedly unlock a mystery of Da Vinci Code proportions! Because surely a film this vapid and hollow could only be appearing as such on the surface, thus hiding something so earth-shattering and profound that it will either unite every single man, woman, and child on the planet, or hurdle us even further into the depths of depravity and despair. The masterminds behind this couldn’t even wait for the albums to drop before shoving Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson even further down our throats. Even the movie’s title is overkill! It doesn’t even make any real sense. I’d have mistaken it for a bisexual porno flick if it weren’t so sugar-packed with so much family-friendly tripe that you’d swear the director was snorting Splenda before filming every scene.

Thankfully, Kelly has stuck to the singing, and no longer needs to use her association with American Idol as a crutch for her music career. Justin, meanwhile, may still have a clump or two left of his afro for sale on eBay if anyone wants to go halfsies on it with me!

Now, with the ever-evolving direct-to-DVD market, we’re seeing more DVD-exclusive sequels to big-budget theatrical films than ever. Usually, these films are lucky if they can even retain one actor from the original film, and usually that’s enough for the studios (see: American Pie – Band Camp, featuring Eugene Levy). Barring that, they can either recast a major character, or even have a new main character with some loose relation to a character from the original. Then there’s just blatant copying of an original film’s storyline, incorporating a whole slew of different characters. The result is a collection of soon-to-be classics like American Psycho 2, Save the Last Dance 2, the seemingly never-ending series of Bring It On films, and even Road House 2!! I’m just baffled as to where the demand for these follow-ups even comes from?!? Were people really clamoring for a sequel to Road House?!? You mean while I anxiously await the day someone decides to make a sequel to Kuffs (like Christian Slater and Milla Jovovich have anything better to do!), Someone actually dug up this turd from Patrick Swayze’s heyday, and deemed it worthy of re-visitation?!?! BLASPHEMY!! And I swear to God, people REALLY need to stop making Hellraiser sequels!!! It’s so to the point that Doug Bradley just pops up for ten seconds to say, “Remember me, I’m Pinhead! Well, see ya next time!!”

But to truly experience the headbanging, teeth-grating, hair pulling banality of the SINO phenomenon, one need look no further than such recent films as Behind Enemy Lines 2: The Axis of Evil, 8mm 2, and Young Adolescent Behavior: Havoc 2. What needs to be addressed is the fact that films like these, more often than not, were never meant to have ANY relation to the films they claim to be sequels of!! For whatever reason, the studios believe that connecting these direct-to-DVD offerings to pre-existing films will increase their marketability. It’s a halfway decent idea on paper, but I’d like to think they’d look to more successful films than Behind Enemy Lines, and especially Havoc, to piggyback on. Who even SAW Havoc?!? More appropriately, who saw Havoc and thought it was a good film?!? The scene with gang members running a train on Bijou Phillips and Anna Hathaway didn’t even hold my attention! If anything, “Young Adolescent Behavior” should be the banner under which all films about slutty, over-privileged white kids, should reside. Going by that logic retroactively, Young Adolescent Behavior: Havoc 2 should really be titled “Young Adolescent Behavior: Part 2,369”. The sad thing is that I’m probably rounding that number down!

And at the end of the day, you have to wonder how these lesser-known filmmakers feel, having a film they meant to be totally original (relatively speaking, anyway) get slapped with the title of some other film with no connection at all to their work. That’s not to say that all their films would even be worth seeing, but at least potential viewers wouldn’t have any pre-conceived notions. Better for a film to be judged on its own merit, than judged based on external factors.