LOU: It’s supply and demand. We keep asking for it, so George Lucas keeps giving it to us.

SNAKE: I never once asked George Lucas rape my childhood or to take a dump on my brain, yet he’s been doin’ it fer a decade now! And did YOU ask fer Jar Jar?! I don’t think so. Go digitize American Graffiti n’ leave my Wookies alone, you sonuvabitch!

BOMB QUEEN: Now ask yourself, where would that lame ass movie be without Darth Vadar? Y’see…. it’s the villain that brings ‘em back.

DR. SELA MATHERS: Okay, Micah may be the mack, but if he really wants to turn me on, he’s gonna have to use his fixing abilities and get this show back on track for season 2. I mean Sylar can stop a round of speeding bullets but not a 5’4″ Japanese man with about as much sword training as Richard Simmons?

BOMB QUEEN: Every week you ask me, the villain, to answer your dumb ass hero questions. Well, I’m telling you more Heroes dying is a good thing. I say cut all their brains out and don’t stop there. Perhaps Micah will get a clue? Start him on villain training young and he’ll have a bright future. Hell, he’s already got a head start. They shot his daddy, now his white trash stripper momma is all mad. Perfect recipe for a child villain in the making. Like they say, “it takes a whole village to raise a kid.”

SNAKE: I caught dat show a few times… that crazy split-personality blonde chick reminds me ‘a dis broad in da Union, Mimi.

LOU: Oh, because like Nikki/Jessica, she’s good with guns?

SNAKE: She is? Er, I mean YES, exactly! It has nuthin’ to do whatsoever wit her being a looney bitch.

LOU: …who is very good with guns.

SNAKE: You gotta keep comin’ back to that, dontcha?!

LOU: Good luck, Snake.

BOMB QUEEN: Hmmm…. I wonder if they’ll make a Mary Jane-esque statue for this, too?

DR. SELA MATHERS: I really think Robert would want me to play his lead. I’m even willing to strap a machine gun on my leg if need be!

SNAKE: Hold the phone — they’re selling ad space on our money now? How friggin’ expensive is dis’ Iraq thing anyway?!

LOU: I voted for Nader. Twice.

BOMB QUEEN: Printing money is always good, luv. I should mint something for myself? Make it like those grocery rewards and get 20% off using Bomb Queen currency. Hell, it beats the U.S. dollar getting it’s ass packed by the Euro and the Yen. But Silver-no-burrito-Surfer? Screw that, if you’re gonna have naked men on coins then show the goods, hon. I want some hard metal, not softcore coins. Unlike the Mary Jane-ophobics I’m all for exploitation.

ROB REILLY: Isn’t it bad enough that comic book fans will be wasting time and money to see this POS? Do we really need another excuse to waste money and time on this franchise?

SNAKE: As if I didn’t have enough trouble wit’ jailbait, now yer tellin’ me the youths of today actually prefer things smaller?

BOMB QUEEN: You assclowns. Gameboy has been outselling home consoles since the goddamn 1990s. Why do you think I stole half the profit shares? However, in my city, laws and rules are different. Government sanctions prohibits some distribution of merchandise, so we have our own version of the hand held device. Our WangBoy is a little longer and more cylindrical, but it’s great fun for the whole family. The PlayStation 3, on the other hand… they do ship that to my city. It doesn’t sell here, either.

ROB REILLY: I’ll be honest, I have a Xbox360 and they are only three games so far that are any good to me.

DR. SELA MATHERS: I hope he reprises his role from either Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles, then we can have the awkward, dorky and loveable evil villian.

BOMB QUEEN: He better be a villain, that’s all I gotta say.

ROB REILLY: I heard that in the movie he has to get Katie Holmes underwear to win a bet. Sweet!

DR. SELA MATHERS: Wow, is it wrong that I still find Heath Ledger hot with mime face paint and sloppy lipstick?

BOMB QUEEN: Here’s a primer for all you pimple-face hero porn gaggers. What a villain looks like doesn’t matter, it’s the actions that count, cherie. Joker can look like Guy LeCharles for all I care. But he better stack up a body count. Not like the brokeback Scarecrow in the last film. I swear villains got no cred anymore. How many innocent by-standers are being decapitated? Mauled? Babies killed? These aren’t villains, they’re cry-in-your-beer misguided heroes. Bring back the old Darth Vadar where he destroys an entire goddamn planet just to make a point! Bring us Scarface and Leatherface. Bring us SIN CITY. Villains? Puh-leez, we’re a rare commodity. And when you *REALLY* see one you don’t forget us easily. But, while I have high hopes for this Joker, it’s still a Hollywood film and I won’t be surprised if he breaks down crying like a sandstorm in the wind.

ROB REILLY: Holy crap! This looks awesome! Way better than Burton’s Joker. Sorry Tim and Jack, but Chris Nolan has your number! All I wanna know is when is this movie gonna hit!?

SNAKE: …

LOU: Sorry… Snake hates clowns. It’s a Union thing.

SNAKE: …

LOU: Hates looking at them. Hates talking about them. Really, in my experience, the only thing Snake likes about clowns is the way they honk and squeak when you push them down a flight of stairs.

SNAKE: That is true, and a great trick for parties.

SNAKE: So now a statue of some red-headed hotty showin’ ass and doin’ laundry is passin’ fer art? Dis’ one actually brings a tear to my eye.

LOU: I agree, Snake. It’s shameful, the whole notion of pandering to the lowest common de–

SNAKE: Shameful? It’s beautiful! Still, I’m holdin’ out fer an oil paintin’ of Wonder Woman doin’ the dishes.

LOU: Well, art is subjective.

BOMB QUEEN: Yawn. You people are morons. What’s the fuss? My tits and ass hang out all the time. This is what happens when fan boys and comic book hags clash with the public. See where dumbass superheroes get ya’? Now if you had a villain, like me, this’ll be old news like a Paris Hilton sex tape. Just wait when my “doll” comes out. Hahahah!

ROB REILLY: So um….what’s the problem here? What moron is complaining that a hot sexy character is too hot and sexy. Perhap this person would prefer a a Peter Parker with plummers crack and a boner statue. It’s not as if they did a full on sex scene statue, so back off conservative
comic book geeks!

DR. SELA MATHERS: You go MJ!

ROB REILLY: It’s not Photoshop, clearly is a witch’s spell. “Hickery, dickery, dig, make my boobies BIG!” And then BAM there they were, larger than life.

SNAKE: Bump ‘da kid’s wrack to a Double D n’ I won’t need no ‘puter program to get augmented.

LOU: Come on, she’s just a kid, Snake!

SNAKE: Hey, if Harry Potter can spend his off season naked dry-humpin’ horses on stage, I can oggle this jailbait’s cartoon cans!

SKRAP: Ayo man, I’m only 16…tell Emma to holla at the kiid, I’ll love you just the way you are gurrl.

BOMB QUEEN: Perhaps Harry will notice her now? Hermione should kick their sorry limp wands out the bed. You’d think all the practice on a duct-taped owl would give those boys a clue. Hey, I’m all for augmentation. Just got my breasts redone last month. Two sizes UP girlfriend. Bigger the better, and I’m sure iron board Hermione doesn’t mind the attention. Don’t let that bookworm ho fool you. She’s throwing down in the owl coop. And don’t be so damn stupid. You know they fixed that movie poster because half the male audience are old fat farts who’ve been rubbing off to her since the first movie. She’s just the new Olsen Twins.

DR. SELA MATHERS: My spider-sense tells me something horrible is coming. Sony, please stop while you are ahead. I mean, haven’t we learned from our past mistakes, the Leprechaun franchise should have never entered the hood.

SNAKE: Well, you gotta bet big to win big, and ‘dis flick cost like half a billion bucks!

LOU: That’s quite the astute gambling analogy, Snake.

SNAKE: You bet it is — cause from what I hear, the movie was CRAPS! Har har.

SKRAP: They don’t have to worry about making 4,5,6 ‘cause they crammed all of that into Spidey 3. This movie was waaay overcomplicated for no reason. The black suit didn’t show up until 70 minutes into the movie, Peter does a 10 minute Charleston, and Sandman cried at the end, then blowing away in a ever-so-gentle wind…’nuff said. Yo shouts to the big man Stan tho, good looks on that quote for my book homie!!

BOMB QUEEN: “Good stories”? Venom gets his literal 15 minutes of fame. Sandman breaks down crying. Harry goes flaccid after disfigurement. Look, you ask me to be here, I haven’t killed you yet, so listen because your life depends on it. When you don’t respect the villains then you get hero porn like this. I don’t give rat’s ass how much money it makes. I don’t care how many sequels are planned, and I can piss on all the duped fans who flocked to this circle jerk – but believe me, if they want a “good story” then give us villains respect, stop the onion tears and get on with beating Spider-man’s ass. Meanwhile, Spider-Man needs to park his Peter in his girl-next-door, Ursula. She’s willing to bend over a chair and he can even score free rent. High-maintenance “MJ” doesn’t even give out “BJs” – so I say dump the ho. I should be directing these movies, we need a hardcore Spider-Man.