ROB REILLY:
It’s like an elephant trunk! I’ve heard of the horrify tales of working with a director who’s a big dick and how people sometimes had to work for peanuts before they made it big. But never have the two been combined so perfectly!

SNAKE:
Couldn’t he just buy a porche like everyone else in Hollywood?

BOMB QUEEN: 24-inches? Now that’s what I’m talking about. I’m all for sex. As the ruler of my town I just take what I see. Men, women, kids. Drug them, take them, kill them, whatever works best – just like the movie HOSTEL. But damn…. 24-inches is my kind of FULFILLMENT – if you catch my drift. That Eli Roth is my dream man, I love his vision and how he films people being tortured – and making money for it! Don’t know which I like best… his bloody films, his 24-incher… or both. Whew, is it warm in here or is just me?

DR. SELA MATHERS: I think I just threw up in my mouth.

SNAKE: Son of a-!!! You think we’re doin’ dis comic fer ‘da paycheck?! Say goodbye to our dreams of a movie deal!

LOU: But Snake, our book isn’t even in Previews yet. I don’t thi–

SNAKE: Have you met me?! Somebody better tell Mimi she’s gonna have to go full frontal, ’cause I’m already a walkin’ NC-17!

LOU: I really don’t think we have anything to wor–

SNAKE: I need a smoke.

DR. SELA MATHERS: Shouldn’t we also have this type of penalty for scenes that include Ben Affleck?

ROB REILLY: I’m glad that they are going to be more responsible with regards to protect children from images of actors smoking on the big screen. But honestly, only a moron would do something just because a celebrity does it. How brain washed can the public really be?

BOMB QUEEN: Ignorance. In times like these I’m glad I live inside the city- limits of my dictatorship. My city doesn’t have to deal with your stupid mysterious board of “watchmen”. And since I don’t live according to your laws and rules I can be an impartial observer. So listen up all you repressed dumbass Internet bloggers, what I see across America is one jacked-up, hypocritical circle jerk. Smoking in films bad… yet drinking in college frat films ALL UNDERAGE…. good? Sex is bad, but killing children … good? Whatever. Just call me when you’re ready to be a REAL free American and kill every board member of the MPAA and their families. Now that’s a signal rating you can get across to everyone. What you need is a real villain in charge. Maybe then you can stop asking me all these stupid questions.

BOMB QUEEN: Wait? I thought I killed Akiva Goldsman after the Batman & Robin movie? Damn, I must’ve decapitated the wrong one… so many I lost track. Anyway, who cares about Teen Titans, who’s the VILLAIN in the film? You retarded Bloggers call yourself journalists? More like Googlists. You only report about the heroes and not the conflict, the villains, or the story? Talk to me when you got facts, not just wet dreams of your hero fetish. If they have any sense they’ll use the NEW Teen Titans and not that old crap. Raven’s father and Starfire’s sister were decent villains.

DR. SELA MATHERS: A bunch of sidekicks trying to do good in this world. I hope they have a part for Andy Richter.

SNAKE: I say they just cut right to da’ porno version — Teen Tight Ends. Make it a franchise! But leave out the one named “Speedy”. Actually, I gotta call da’ boss n’ see if he wants to bankroll a movie.

LOU: I don’t think Tony is going to be interested in producing pornography with you, Snake.

SNAKE: Oh, Lou… sweet, innocent little Lou.

BOMB QUEEN: Then the dumbshits need to pay Rachel Weisz more money. Bello ain’t got no tits. Flat as a postage stamp and not worth licking. Look, I play for both teams, no secret about that. Men, women, it’s all the same, as long as they worship me. Rachel Weisz can scream real good, and she’s got tits and ass that actually jiggles when you whip it. So my vote goes for what sells tickets. That Mummy flick ain’t art. Screw that, just show me the goods. When a film hits the dreaded “3″ sequel it’s all about the crap, so pay the bitch more money, and throw in a shower scene with more bugs. Naked people screaming, s’il vous plait. What more does a villain want?

SNAKE: That’s swell. Now all they’s gotta do is replace the rest o’ the cast, the plot, and the title… unless they stick dat Bello chick in’a cheerleader outfit n’ have her flash her goods like she did in dat History o’ Violence flick.

LOU: She also “flashed her goods” in The Cooler… but so did William H. Macy.

SNAKE: What did I tell you about bringing up Macy’s junk again?! I just ate!

BOMB QUEEN: Too bad for you dipshits. It’s still shipping to my city. We welcome it here. Perks of being a villain, I get all the smack you so-called righteous, politically-correct, morons deprive yourselves. It’ll go on the shelf, next to the NAMBLA magazines and other kiddy porn. Your loss, beeyatch!

DR. SELA MATHERS: If you want to see school kids hot for their teacher, pick up a Zenescope comic. I basically have to beat my students off… with a stick, pervert.

SNAKE: Meh.

LOU: What?! One of the longest, most successful independent runs in comics… a complex and dynamic plot that manages to balance comedy, drama, and action… a cast of complex characters… one of the first comics to appeal to a loyal female readership…. Strangers in Paradise is a shining example of Indie comic success! How can you “meh”?!

SNAKE: I thought there’d be more lesbian stuff.

BOMB QUEEN: I bet only 1% of you Wikipedia Hentai Mary Jane “doll” followers even know the goddamn story. The book you’re supposed to tout as good for your incestuous industry and I know you’re not even gonna buy it. Not even gonna talk about it — except when it ends. Luckily you’re not in my city or I’d kill all you ass romping fanboys without a second thought.

ROB REILLY: Hey all things come to an end. Even good things, God Bless Terry Moore for self-publishing for that long. I couldn’t do it. 5 books and I was like screw this! Haha

SNAKE: So what’s the problem here? We don’t want Marvel doin’ romance comics?!

LOU: At least the heroines aren’t doing Spider-Man’s laundry.

BOMB QUEEN:And you’re asking ME, “the villain” what I think of this?

I LOVE HERO RAPE! More of this please! Bring the bondage! The restraints! Unleash the probes! And better yet…. sell it to KIDS!! Hahaha! I hope Joe Q is right… these heroines better be strong and kick ass – because I love it when they resist. The submissive types bore me. They go limp and faint at the sight of Vaseline and a whiffle bat. No, it’s the strong ones you want…. the feminist types scream louder and hold out longer. Whimpering for justice and comeuppance for the years of neglect and abuse by the softcore latex hero industry? It’s a boys clubhouse of ideas, mon cherie. Sing with me now… “I know what boys like, I know what boys want.”

Haha! You think I’m complaining, bitch? I’m the goddamn Bomb Queen!

Guy LeCharles giving up?? Heidi MacDonald blogging about it? Lea Hernandez remaking the cover? Whatever. Face it, my evil plan is working, honey. We dictators love it when fandom resistance breaks down. Hopefully we’ll see more breasts dripping with drool! More “doll” statues of barefoot laundry women. More so-called role model heroes fighting in high-heels, G-strings and spandex with erect nipples! Hahah! I LOVE IT ALL! You’re talking MY language, kiddo.

BOMB QUEEN:Old news, babe. NAMBLA has a charter in my city of crime. You can even see their billboards in some of my books LAST YEAR. As for this dick cream magazine? Excuse me if I jump out on a limb here, honey. NAMBLA is supported by a bunch of old men getting off on images of nubile, supple and tender young kids? Comics are supported by a bunch of old men getting off on images of nubile, supple and tender young kids? Where’s the goddamn problem? Sounds like marketing gold to me, beeyatch! I think they’ve got a serious hit. Just like the billboards in MY city says, “NAMBLA, we’re not just kidding around.” I rather like their organization. In fact, as Queen, I endorse NAMBLA all the time. I even gave them permission to throw a parade next month. Hmmm… perhaps they’ll hand out magazines to the kiddies.

SNAKE: I don’t see why anyone would bother readin’ about “boy love,” when ‘dey can just wait a couple a’ months fer some real MAN love — Division 18 style, starring yours truly! You know, wit’out any a’ dat love crap or butt sex.

LOU: Snake, I think you’re missing an important detail here…

SNAKE: Oh yeah — not only do you get to follow the adventures of me n’ Lou not being gay, but you also get to check out Mimi’s sweet gams. And we got a monkey! If that don’t hook ‘em, I don’t know what will. I hope doze nancy boys can hold out ’til ‘da Fall

BOMB QUEEN:As a villain I liked most of this movie. Plenty of backstabbin’ and killing. I laughed out load when they hung the child at the start – now that’s funny. Loved it. Kill more kids, I say! However, the villain did the classic cock gag at the end. I swear villains are useless nowadays. Lord Beckett has the advantage and instead of deploying all hell up the pirate’s asspipe – he has a moment of clarity. He may as well cry and fly off in a sand cloud with the other gay villains. As for the money, of course it made millions. I don’t get you people, like deer in the headlights, always making a fuss about the millions grossed. It’s SUPPOSED to make millions, dumb ass. They pop it out, you suck it. This is business not “art”, I know these things I’m a villain. All this whining about the plot, the story, the characters. Hypocrites. Same people who supported it for the last 3 years, same gene pool scum that bought the DVDs. Don’t give me that lip about how much it made. You crapped in the pot, now roll your fat pig ass in it.

SNAKE: It’s a good thing ‘dat flick opened over a holiday weekend — it wuz like 6 hours long! If I gotta sit in one place fer ‘dat amount a’ time, somebody outta pay ME!!!

LOU: We should’ve at least gotten a 15-minute coffee break.

BOMB QUEEN:Charity? Screw charity. Keep all the money you dumbass homosexual. Why give it to the needy? Let those filthy beggin’ kids starve. If they need money, they can turn tricks like the rest. Hell, I bet Prince is first in line at the baby brothels. He can take a perfume enema with that butt plug shaped bottle for all I care. In fact, his butt juice is probably the special ingredient. God, I hate do-gooders! What’s this world coming to?

SNAKE: ‘Dis friggin’ 60-year-old leprechaun runs around wearing purple, assless jumpsuits, squeelin’–and apparently smellin’–like a woman… yet he still pulls more trim ‘den I ever will.

LOU: I walked around with assless pants for a few days, once… but only because my Zubaz had gotten caught on a fence.