Amazing Spider-Man #539

Laura: Maybe this is the stabbing pain behind my eye talking right now, but I kind of hope that Aunt May dies. She’s useless and boring and played out, and my only regret is that the abdomen wound wasn’t a head shot. Put her out of her misery, already. My greatest fear in all of this is that they’re going to tease us with her death, and then not actually give it to us. And no one likes a tease, Marvel.

Adan: If your elderly aunt gets shot through the abdomen with a sniper rifle, do you: a) call 911 and wait for the ambulance, b) try to staunch the bleeding while waiting for the ambulance you called, or c) pick up your frail, shot-up aunt and swing through the city to the nearest hospital and leave her unattended in a room, hoping someone heard you crash through the window (which I’m sure could not have negatively affected your aunt in the least). If you chose option C, then you are as retarded as Spider-Man. You aren’t supposed to move her, dumbass! What the hell is wrong with you? I know you’re on the run from the law, but for fuck’s sake, maybe prison isn’t such a bad thing if it means your aunt, the woman who raised you, has a better shot at living because you didn’t jostle the hell out of her insides, all the while she bled out on your shirt and pants, which are, of course, clean as a whistle (and what miracle cleaning agent is responsible for that? did he Shout it out?)

Army @ Love #1

Adan: I’m not sure if this is good or not. I can’t really fault the writing or the art (the art, in particular, is really quite good; Erksine’s inks especially), but something is definitely off. Maybe it really is too early to make fun of the war in Afghanistan? No, that can’t be it. Maybe the whole thing seems too implausible. Will the armed forces really need people that badly that they’ll allow grunts cell phones and bacchanalias? I guess if they’d instated a draft, the populace would have voted to get out that war right quick. I don’t know, I’m gonna have to give this a few more issues before I decide. One thing I will say of this book: there sure are a lot of titties.

Laura: Yeah, I feel like it might be too soon for the final word on this book. It’s certainly… different. Sure, there will be the calls of “too soon,” because it’s, you know, still happening. But nostalgia has been accelerating for a while now, and it was only a matter of time before it actually intersected with the present. And now, here we are.

Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser TP

Adan: Seven short stories set in the fictional city of Lankhmar, which Howard Chaykin calls a “slightly more fantastical Manhattan- or at least the city south of 14th Street, circa 1935.” Adapted from Fritz Leiber’s novels and short stories, Chaykin and Mike Mignola brought to comics two of the best fantasy characters ever: Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser. Two thieves roaming the world of Nehwon in search of adventure, women, and of course, money. If you like Conan, anything by Michael Moorcock, or hard-boiled crime fiction set in a fantasy world, you’ll not do better than this seminal work. And it’s a steal at $19.95. It even includes the beginning of Swords and Deviltry, a Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser novel that Dark Horse will be re-publishing in the near future. Pick this up; it’s fantastic.

Laura: I’ve seen a lot of people pick this up just because they saw Mike Mignola’s name on the cover. Whatever it takes to get you to pick this up is fine with me!

Ion #12

Laura: Wow, it’s moments like these when I feel pretty grateful that I don’t give a crap about Ion, because I don’t need to get upset about how freakin’ terrible an issue like this is. I’ll leave that to Adan. Adan?

Adan: Kyle stars in this extra special tale as he loses his mother to some crazy-ass sickness that no one seems to know what to do about. Man, I thought only Winick wrote the after-school specials. And that’s not the worst part, sitting through this melodramatic piece of garbage (of a series I was actively enjoying up until now); no, the worst part is that this twelfth part of a twelve-part series isn’t the end! Nothing gets explained at all. What does Grayven know? Why did Nero go all crazy? Why are the Monitors screwing with Kyle and Donna? What exactly did Kyle’s mom die from? None of these questions are answered. Instead, we’re told the story continues in the Green Lantern: Sinestro Corps Special that comes out sometime in the summer. Thanks for the heads up, DC. Jerks.

Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane #16

Adan: Ah, the second best shoujo book in the world is out again (the first being the recently retired Love Roma; go buy it, it’s only five volumes!) and I’m sqealing like a twelve-year old girl who just saw Hanson for the first time (or a much older man who just saw BKV for the first time). MJ and Harry are back together, Gwen just dumped Peter, but Firestar heats things up when she visits Spider-Man. Oh, so many cute girls who might like you Pete. I wish the girls in my high school liked the nerdy kids that much. While I am saddened by Takeshi Miyazawa’s absence, I am intrigued by the new art provided by David Hahn. It’s not Miyazawa, but it still looks pretty damn good.

Laura: Ah, the trials and travails of young love. Right when Gwen breaks up with Peter because she found out he was in love with MJ, MJ gets back together with Harry. Oh noes! Peter and MJ, you’re so star-crossed. Will you EVER get together?

Walking Dead #36

Adan: As I’ve previously stated, I don’t really like this book anymore. I’m all burned out on zombies and the human cast of this book is starting bore the hell out of me (except Michonne, who showed me some real interesting things about herself in issue #33). That said, this issue wasn’t that bad. Exactly how long does it take civilization to stop acting civil and start killing each other for any little reason? Woodbury showed us it can happen damn quick, and be institutionalized even. It’s taking the Walking Dead (Kirkman’s term, not mine) slightly longer, but with what Michonne did in issue #33, and what Rick does this issue (not telling), they’ll get there soon enough. On the upside, Glenn asks Maggie to marry him, and those are some hilarious panels that are mixed in with just enough schmaltz to not make me roll my eyes.

Laura: I’m not sick of Walking Dead, because it’s a consistently awesome title about people. People who happen to be surrounded by zombies. In this issue, Rick starts to feel himself fall a little further out of the fabric of their makeshift society, while Glenn and Maggie do their part to weave a tiny little piece of it together. My only complaint is not enough Michonne, but her deep, dark subplot is still simmering in the background, and I’m sure it’ll bubble to the surface soon enough.

X-Factor #17

Laura: X-Factor, you are the best X-book on the shelves. Actually, you just one of the best books on the shelves, and this most recent arc where Jamie sets out to collect his lost dupes has been a knockout. For anyone who ever wondered what, or who, they might have been if they’d simply gone down a different path, here’s a man who’s actually done that. He’s gone down all the paths at once, and now he’s trying to put the pieces back together to actually be one man who makes one world and then lives in it. Peter David, you so good.

Adan: There was a time when I just purchased every X-book, no matter what. That was my thing, I was the X-guy. I knew everything about the mutants: who was on what team at any given point, who was stuck in limbo, who was dead, and who was resurrected. I still know all those things, but now I don’t buy them all. I only buy like three of them, and X-Factor is the best one, bar none. Madrox is still off looking for his dupes, and each one he meets is a great character study. And not just the dupe, but Jamie-Prime too. With each new interesting dupe that Jamie meets, Jamie himself gets more and more interesting. But, this is a team book, so let’s talk about the rest of team: Monet and Syrin beat up the French police (as if that’s a difficult thing) and take a French orphan with them, which is sure to have absolutely no ill effect in the future, while Rictor and Rahne do something monumentally stupid that immediately brings trouble down on ice cream-eating Guido and Layla. And that’s the team. Oh yeah, and Quicksilver shows up too.

Y the Last Man #55

Adan: The best comic book crossover of all time happens in this book, ladies and gentlemen. I’m not even joking and I ask that all commenters not ruin this excellent bit for anybody else. Just don’t mention it. Let everybody find it for themselves. You will not be disappointed. Now that that’s out of the way, it’s another awesome issue of Y by the most handsome man in comics. Hero, Ciba, Natalya, and Other-Beth (with Beth Jr. and Baby Vlad in tow) are closing in on Beth the First, but so are the Israelis. Yorick and 355 are nearing Paris, all while Yorick has some kind of existential crisis about the feasibility of his continued relationship with Beth (the first one) while having another one of his creepy dreams. Look, it’s great and I already know you’re going to go get it, so why are you still reading this?

Laura: I’m actually glad to see Yorick questioning his relationship with Beth. As he mentions in the book, they’ve now actually been apart for longer than they were ever together, and if that didn’t at least give him some pause I’d worry about the guy. I’m still rooting for True Love to Overcome All, but I’m glad the question has at least been raised. It’s the final arc, and as things start to creep towards the inevitable end, things are bound to get crazy.

Plus, there’s a shout out for Preacher fans that is not to be missed. Not to be missed, I said! Get on board, people! It’s all over soon!

1-800-MICE #1

Laura: A lot of drugs went into the making of this comic. The first realization comes in the totally high introduction, which advises people to talk to moss, and then makes a long, rambling comparison between tree bark and TV sitcoms. It also manages to misspell the words “homunculus,” “cell phone” and “niece.” I didn’t know what a coprolith was before reading this, though, so I guess it wasn’t a complete waste.

Take fewer drugs, ok?

Adan: Holy crap, what the hell? It’s like a David Lynch movie, only it doesn’t make as much sense. Which means it makes no sense at all. It’s possible that “talk to moss” and “feel up bark” are just code words for “smoke marijuana.”

Action Philosophers #8

Adan: Casting John Stuart Mill as Charlie Brown has divine inspiration written all over it, which is good because Immanuel Kant proved that God’s existence can neither be proved nor disproved in the strip prior to Mill’s in a “Law and Order” spoof. And then Kant’s successors Georg W.F. Hegel and Arthur Schopenhauer are spotlighted in the third strip. I enjoyed the first two strips a lot more than the third strip, which wasn’t presented as well as the first two. The philosophies of Kant and Mill made a lot more sense than the philosophies of Hegel or Schopenhauer, but maybe that’s just me. This is still a great book and you should all be reading it. It’s philosophically awesome!

Laura: Seconded. The Charlie Brown strip was pretty inspired, and overall this was one of the more accessible issues in the series. I also had the pleasure of meeting the creators at NYCC, and they were fine fellows indeed.

Black Panther #25

Laura: It’s always a toss up with Black Panther. What will I dislike more, the terrible writing, or the borderline insulting content? This week is yet another tough call. Highlights: Sue Storm attacks Clor, announcing like an anime heroine that “you’re my husband’s abomination… and I’m here to abort you!” Storm and Clor go tete-a-tete, and for a moment you think it’s gonna be awesome, but then Hercules cuts in on two of the most powerful women in the Marvel Universe, saying, “I shall take it from here, fair maidens.” And then Invisible Woman and Storm stand on the sidelines in the middle of the climactic battle of the Civil War and cheer him. Yeah.

Then at the end, a TV announcer reports that “the streets of New York were as violent as the fields of Gettysburg.” Seriously? The battle where 50,000 people died? This is just like that? This week’s Front Line helpfully informs us that only 53 people died in the superhero showdown, just for a sense of exactly how ridiculous we’re getting. Whatever. It’s hard to care too much, given that I don’t take this book seriously on any level.

Adan: Laura hits all the major points, but here’s my biggest problem: after Clor wrecks the Wakandan Embassy, Iron Man asks, “Could that be considered an act of war?” The Panther’s response: “That could be considered an act of war.” Really? How about foreign heads of state actively helping American criminals commit acts of terrorism? Could that be considered an act of war? Leaving my personal feelings entirely out of this, the law states super-powered individuals would register, or be considered criminals. When these unregistered super-powered individuals were captured, they were put in prison. Breaking them out of prison is an act of terrorism, especially if explosions are involved. Captain America is a homegrown terrorist and Black Panther is a foreign terrorist, but they are terrorists just the same. Also note that depending on what side you fall, terrorist means the same thing as rebel, which means the same thing as freedom fighter. It all depends on which side of the coin you fall on and which connotation you want to give your subject. For the purposes of what can be considered an act of war, Black Panther is very much a terrorist, and the United States should invade Wakanda in order to dethrone a regime that supports terrorism, much like the United States invaded Afghanistan when the Taliban’s ties to al-Qaeda were discovered. But this will never happen because in the Marvel Universe, actions don’t seem to have repercussions.

Civil War: Frontline #11

Laura: Laura: In this issue, we learn that Ben Urich and Sally Floyd are the worst reporters in the world, that Captain America’s quitter logic makes no more sense in his own head than it does to anyone else, and that Tony Stark is an even bigger crybaby than Steve Rogers. It’s all just bad and nonsensical just like the rest of this series right now, but it actually gets so marvelously stupid at one point that it rounds the corner to “funny-bad.”

Sally Floyd is interviewing Captain America in jail, asking “tough questions” about his involvement in the Civil War. In her mind, this means asking him whether he knows what Myspace is and who won the last American Idol, and when he doesn’t know the answer she starts shouting that he knows “nothing about America!” You heard it in Front Line first, folks. If you don’t watch YouTube videos, you’re not a real patriot.

Adan: Floyd and Urich are awful, awful reporters. They have the story of the century and they don’t report it because… actually, I don’t know why, but I have my guesses. Tony Stark almost starts a war with Atlantis (which is totally started by the Atlanteans’ invasion of the surface world in Civil War #7), and Urich and Floyd know it’s true. They have evidence to back them up and everything. But a story more preposterous than FDR knowing about the attack on Pearl Harbor and letting it happen anyway can’t just be told; the American people are too stupid. We’d just make informed decisions based on this information and put Tony Stark in that fancy jail of his.

Have I mentioned how much I hate this entire storyline? ‘Cause I do. A lot.

Daredevil #94

Laura: Poor Milla Donovan. Her relationship with Matt Murdock has been a rocky ride, but she’s back now for one more round. And as glad as she is to have him back in one piece, she’s starting to remember how much it sucks to be the girlfriend of a superhero, to love someone as vulnerable as is he powerful. And even worse to feel helpless about it all, especially when you’ve spent your whole life trying not to feel helpless. Between competing with his secret identity and the memory of Karen Page, Milla doesn’t have a lot of energy left, but she usually spends it worrying whether or not he’s going to die every time he goes out to fight crime. This issue is her story, and it’s a pretty sad one.

Adan: Is it awful that I don’t care? If Milla were a better character, I might care about her and her place in Daredevil’s world, but I simply don’t. Right now, I see her as an impediment to good Daredevil stories. I may yet be proven wrong, but if this issue is an indiciation of things to come, I could do without Milla Donovan. Although that last scene was rather poignant.

Laura: On the plus side, we get an retrotacular John Romita Sr. cover! Oh, how I long for the day when people remember that dialogue balloons and thought bubbles make comic book covers 100% more interesting.

Doctor Strange: The Oath #5

Adan: The good Doctor has a very important decision to make at the end of this issue, and it’s not whether to save Wong or save the world with the cure-all that is Otkid’s Elixir (aka the MacGuffin). It’s whether or not the Night Nurse’s outfit is kinky enough for his tastes. Bow-chicka-bow-wow, indeed. There’s also something in here about Wong’s cancer and Nicodemus’ assholishness, but the real star of this Dr. Strange mini-series is the Night Nurse. She’s bad-ass, and I hope she stays for a long time to come.

Laura: Finally, a force of evil we can all get behind hating: pharmaceutical companies! Yes, it’s difficult decision time as Dr. Strange weighs the greater good against the life of someone he loves, and he spends a lot of time wringing his abnormally long-fingered hands about it. It’s a pleasing finish to a nice little mini-series, and probably the best BKV book this week.

Also if we can not do the medical fetish thing that would be cool.

Runaways #24

Adan: This is it, BKV’s last issue of Runaways ever (more on him later on). Does Chase sacrifice himself for his love of Gert? Will the other kids show up in time to save him? Well, I obviously know what happens (and you do too, if you’ve seen PCS’ preview of issue #25… whoops), but that’s not importnat here. The most handsome man in comics is ending his run on a title he helped create and I’m sad. No, I don’t think Whedon will be able to write this book as well as BKV has. These were his babies, after all. This is issue was very good, but it was bittersweet.

Laura: This book was… so-so, but yes, bittersweet. The few problems I’ve had with the book throughout its run seems especially prominent here, namely that I don’t always buy Molly’s dialogue, and that sometimes Vaughan forces jokes in serious situations (e.g. the “stoners in donut shops” crack) that just don’t seem to carry. But this is all minor, all bygones, and I hesitate to bring them up at all because it’s been a wonderful, wonderful run, and I’m sad to see it end. Given Whedon’s recent performance on Astonishing, I hope he’s ready to step up and bring his A-game, because this book and these characters deserve it.

Supergirl and the Legion of Super-Heroes #27

Adan: The Legion and the Wanderers attempt to quell a Dominator invasion of Earth, but that’s not so important. At the back of the book, Mark Waid, Kalman Andrasofszky, Barry Kitson, Jim Shooter, and Paul Levitz give a very classy send-off to a man who made sure the Legion of Super-Heroes would be around for generations to come: Dave Cockrum. They state how important Cockrum was in bringing the heroes back from the brink of cancellation and obscurity, and how snazzy those new costumes that he designed were. We’ll miss his gentle laugh, too.

Laura: Yeah, I don’t really want to talk about Supergirl (who didn’t even show up in the book) because it wasn’t a worthwhile issue, and regardless, Dave Cockrum is exponentially more important than whatever stupid thing happens in space this month. Buy the book, rip out the tribute, and throw the rest away for all I care, but give the man his due. David Cockrum, you are missed.

And Others…

Adan: Norwegian cartoonist Jason’s latest translated work The Living and the Dead doesn’t technically come out until next week (if your store goes direct with Fantagraphics, then you have it now), but I can’t stop talking about how awesome Jason is. Every single one of his shorts have been funny, poignant, and interesting, and this zombie-romance-comedy is no different. If you haven’t already, give Jason a shot; you’ll thank me later.

Also out this week is Love Roma v5, the last volume! Oh nos! Love Roma is good, that it pains me to see it end. We talked about the previous volume and told you guys how awesome it was. Go grab all five volumes and laugh and cry alongside Negishi-san and Hoshino-kun as their relationship grows and grows.

And apropos of almost nothing, I went to Comic-Con this last weekend! Yay!

As you can see, I met up with the most handsome man in comics. I told him so, and he said I had “weird taste.” He then said I was the most handsome man at PCS (take that, Jon!). That weird look on my face is because I’m so excited.

And here we have B-Wood’s absence. Maybe he heard I was coming? And what’s that next to his name plate? A copy of Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book that I totally didn’t plant?* Maybe Mr. Wood had to cancel his appearance on Sunday because he had a Comintern meeting to attend, hurm?**

And thank you, dear lady, for reminding me that the Baroness was the sexiest Cobra agent ever. That’s right, Destro, you and your shiny Scottish head have nothing on Eastern European faux royalty.

Laura: This month’s issue of X-Factor rules particularly hard, as Jamie continues his quest to reabsorb his lost dupes and finally be a whole person again. As he collects them from all the lives he could have lived, he finds that some of them have become fully realized, utterly distinct people–and that maybe they don’t belong to him anymore. Which is always sort of the way, with the paths and the people we don’t choose–all the “could-have-beens.” God, I can’t get enough of this series. A month seems like an eternity to wait for the next one, and when was the last time I felt that way?

*Adan totally planted it.
**In all seriousness, we hope nothing is wrong and his absence on Sunday was due to just plain tiredness or being hung over from partying so hard.

Amazing Spider-Man #538

Adan: So, the big, huge event that’s supposed make Peter start wearing the black duds again is his dear old aunt getting shot in the midsection. I’m not saying watching your aunt get shot in the stomach is not a traumatic experience. And not just a regular aunt either, an aunt that raised you and was more like a mother to you than anything else. I’m not saying that. What I am saying is that I would have cared more than I currently do (which is not at all) if a) this story hadn’t been dragged out forever, and b) if Aunt May hadn’t already died once before. C’mon, you remember. Amazing Spider-Man #400. She dies a peaceful death in a hospital bed. Everyone cried. Now, only 138 issues later, she dies again. Well, not really. Sure she has a gut wound, but she’s not dead yet. All this fucking hooplah, and Marvel couldn’t even kill the woman off. Goddamn hype.

Laura: I would feel bad about the reveal here, except that it’s actually on one of the variant covers. Last week’s issue of Sensational Spider-Man also featured Peter pulling out a picture of Aunt May and self-flagellating over how he let her down, so color me unsurprised. We segue through various images of the war, and Peter starts waxing poetic about the Deep Meaning behind it all: “Why is it then, that our dreams of peace, our aspiration to love, to better understand one another, so rarely make the same leap? I don’t know… I don’t know…” You’re no Wilfred Owen, Peter Parker. And yeah, Aunt May dies (maybe), but I’m so far past caring about any of it.

Brave and the Bold #1

Adan: Hurm… I’m not sure what to make of this. I mean, it’s obviously a straight-up team-up story and very Silver Age-y, complete with George Perez art and way too much dialogue, courtesy of Mark Waid. But, strangely enough, I found myself enjoying it, even though I hate the fact that Batman and Hal are all buddy-buddy nowadays. I can’t for the life of me explain why I enjoyed this book. I guess the plot’s really just that goofy and fun. The same man is murdered sixty-four times, aliens attack, Las Vegas is visited, and Batman tells Hal that they need to swap opponents. Like I said, goofy and fun.

Laura: I can’t for the life of me explain why Adan liked this book, either. Batman and Hal Jordan go to Las Vegas, and fight stuff. That’s about it.

Civil War #7

Laura: Saying that this book was a letdown would imply that I had some sort of positive expectations for it. I did not. I anticipated little more than retro-fitted splash pages and general mediocrity, and yet it still managed to disappoint me far, far more than expected.

This is really bad.

The dialogue is weak, cookie-cutter bullshit, which at its best feels ill-suited to the tone of the book, and at its worst seems immature and utterly lazy. How else to characterize Reed Richards describing Spider-Man as “Amazing!” and Spider-Man subsequently describing himself as “Spectacular!”

The coup de grace is so full of crap that I don’t even think it merits a detailed analysis; there are lots of reasons to dislike it, so you can pick whichever one you want. The image of Cap, tears streaming down his face, eyes bulging unnaturally like a man exposed to the vacuum of deep space as he negates the entire point of this whole stupid crossover, will stick with me for quite some time. Congratulations, Marvel: you managed to make me hate Captain America, and I did not think that was possible.

But I don’t feel bad for myself, I feel bad for everyone who actually gave a crap about this series, the people who waited through the delays and kept the faith thinking that the end of the tunnel, Millar and McNiven were going to come through in the end with some fireworks. Sorry, guys, but this particular 4th of July just got rained out, and it’s time to go home.

Adan: Yeah, Laura covers most of the godawful bullshit this comic spews, but here’s a couple more things. After Cap gets taken down by a collection of New York’s bravest, finest, and… uhhh… EMT-est (which to me, says that Millar has a rather low opinion of the general Marvel populace; is Marvel’s American public really that naive and stupid so as to welcome an Orwellian state with open arms?), he says Captain America isn’t being arrested, Steve Rogers is. “That’s a very different thing,” he says. Psst, Cap: you’re the same guy and everybody knows it.

And then, in the little aftermath section, where Reed writes his love letter to Sue, he details everything that’s been happening since pro-Registration forces won. Conspicuously absent from this report are the United State’s responses to both Wakanda and Atlantis’ declarations of war agains the US. Both countries’ monarchs, the Black Panther and Namor respectively, knowingly and enthusiastically aided and abetted known American criminals against proper government authorities. Secret War taught us that whenever a foreign country aids American criminals, it’s called terrorism. But I can guarantee that Marvel’s version of the United States will not declare war on either Atlantis or Wakanda because Marvel’s version of the United States is stupid. Marvel’s American public does welcome Orwellian states, after all.

This series blew, and I’m fucking glad it’s over. Now I have a ton of post-Civil War crap to look forward to.

Local #8

Laura: Megan is 26 years old. She works as a waitress at diner, fucks the wrong guys, and then lies awake at night in a cramped, dirty room wondering if this it—if this is really her life now. If this is really who she is, now. There’s one page, one moment, where Megan walks home the morning after, trudging forward, hair in her face, past all the stripped branches and wrought-iron fences, and you can see it: is this is it? What do you when you don’t know how to live with your life, or what it makes you? You run. And Megan runs too.

This book feels like real life. It’s awkward and beautiful and difficult and I love it.

Adan: Wait, wasn’t the whole point of this that she wasn’t fucking the wrong guy? And she doesn’t run; at least not for very long. She tries dating that rich guy and realizes she’s in love with her broke, cramped, dirty apartment-living boyfriend. I think that’s the point here (I’m not sure Laura actually finished this book). “I just need honest and passionate and sweet and grounded. A genuine person, a real human being. Someone who’ll love me back,” she says as she runs back into the arms of her boyfriend. And while this book is awkward and beautiful, I’m not sold on the real life angle. Maybe I’ve just had very different life experiences, but this doesn’t feel like real life to me. It feels like I’m watching a movie, which isn’t a bad thing necessarily. I like movies more than I like real life, usually. Also, B-Wood doesn’t put any Commie propaganda in this book, so that’s a major plus.

Laura: The entire point of this was actually that Megan didn’t know what she wanted—she tried the low-rent, well-meaning guy, got an eyeful of his grinding poverty and poor hygiene, and ended up pulling one of those early morning catch-ya-laters that so rarely means love. She tried the rich guy who would have taken care of her, and felt flattered and secure, but also totally empty, so she booked it again. And ran right back to the poor guy and told him she loves him, despite the fact that they started dating, like a day ago, and also that she slept with someone else hours earlier. Allow me to translate: she doesn’t know what she wants, but she’s trying like hell to figure it out. This is what real life is like—maybe not your life, but definitely mine at times, and a lot of other people’s lives too.

And yes, she stops running (because the issue ends), but the entire point of this series is that she’s in a different city every goddamn issue! She’s a girl who runs!

And now I have narrated the entire plot of the book, which is what I was trying not to do by being intentionally vague in my synopsis. I pretty much loathe spoilers, and I’m trying to pick (and pan) these books for people, not ruin their endings.

Adan: Emo much?

Laura: Bite me.

New Avengers: Illuminati #2

Laura: Reed Richards, is there no end to your douchebaggery? Are you really so arrogant that you thought it would be a good idea to collect all the Infinity Gems together and wield them? Because that will somehow make things safer? Even Uatu thinks you’re a dumbass. “This was not your decision to make, Richards,” he tells the good doctor, and that seems true of a lot of his decisions lately. I’m not sure who to blame more here, Reed for having this incredibly bad idea, or the rest of the Illuminati for going along with it. Still, we can thank Bendis for making it a fun ride.

Adan: Now hold on a second. I do not agree with your assesment of Reed Richards. He is no douchebag, at least not here. Yes, he collects the Infinity Gems, but he has two really good reasons: a) so people like Thanos and the like won’t have them, and b) he was only wielding them to try to will them out of existence. Frankly, that’s a worthy goal, trying to take a very powerful artifact off the chessboard. Also, I’m very interested in what happens with the Illuminati members and their shiny new jewelry. This is the second issue in a row we’ve done of this book, and it’s still pretty good. Bendis still knows how to write on occasion.

Laura: I’m not saying that he didn’t have good intentions (he always does), I’m saying that it was tremendously arrogant and foolish on his part to take this particular task on himself, or to believe that he was capable of willing the Infinity Gems out of existence. Bendis really is doing this series right, though. I’m actually exciting for the next issue, which is something I can say about maybe two books in the Marvel U right now.

She-Hulk #16

Laura: Dan Slott has done better. She-Hulk and Wolverine team up against Wendigo, and it’s… all right. I could have done without She-Hulk’s temporary incompetence, somehow “forgetting” mid-battle that she has a healing factor. Also not a fan of Wolverine’s totally out-of-bounds dismissal of She-Hulk as “Juggernaut’s sloppy seconds,” something which frankly I find hard to believe. C’mon, Wolverine would have totally hit that.

Adan: I don’t know. “Juggernaut’s sloppy seconds” makes for a really good deterrent. Yeah, She-Hulk is all big and strong and green (and I know I would have hit that pre-Juggy), but Juggy’s gross and I don’t want to go anywhere near that. Plus, it’s not like Wolverine can’t just pick out a random Japanese girl and do her. I mean, I’m pretty sure Logan’s fucked the entire nation of Japan by now–twice. But this book isn’t about Wolverine or She-Hulk’s sexual antics (well, it is, but there’s more), it’s about She-Hulk kicking the Hulk’s rogue’s gallery’s collective ass. And then delivering them to S.H.I.E.L.D. for some shadowy operation. Also, the many one-liners and sight gags Slott throws in there are worth the price of admission alone.

Laura: First of all, we don’t know for sure that they slept together, and She-Hulk adamantly denies it. Second of all, why is it cool for guys to sleep with all kinds of filthy, terrible people and yet somehow nobody looks at them as “tainted,” but one bad sexual choice for a woman (even an invented one!) means her market value plummets? That is some bullshit, my friend.

Adan: First of all, yes we do. I don’t remember the issue number, but it was in Uncanny X-men when Jugs was trying to go legit. She-Hulk was representing him in a case for the murder of Sammy Pare aka Fishboy. After she got him off legally, she got him off again. There was a two-page spread in which they are in a broken bed together, naked. If that doesn’t scream hot rabu-rabu (that’s Engrish for sex), then you need to check your ears. I’m pretty She-Hulk was screaming too. Second of all, no, it’s not cool for guys to sleep with all kinds of filthy, terrible people. There’s a reason the term whore applies to both genders, and that is because people like Nightwing, Arsenal, and yes, Wolverine, especially Wolverine, are all dirty, dirty whores.

Laura: It was Uncanny X-Men #435, and they were not naked. I wasn’t there and She-Hulk was, and if she says nothing happened (which she has said numerous times) I’m not going to argue that it did. And yes, Wolverine and Nightwing and lots of other guys are sluts, but the fact of the matter is that it doesn’t make them “damaged goods” or less desirable, while women in the same situation are treated as though their worth is somehow diminished. That’s what Wolverine is essentially saying, and it’s full of crap.

Adan: I don’t want to do something so pedestrian as turning this into a men vs. women argument, but… Men only do what women let them get away with. If women would stop dating the assholes that you all find so Goddamn charismatic, maybe those same assholes wouldn’t think you’re “damaged goods” for sleeping with other assholes.

Laura: That’s a completely different topic of discussion and I don’t really know why you brought it up. This isn’t about what women “let [men] get away with,” it’s about the relative impact of sexual activity on the perceived worth of a human being. I also don’t appreciate you directing your comments at “me.”

Adan: I bring it up because it is very much germane to the discussion. You say sexual activity is perceived a certain way. Are men the only perceivers? If men act whorish, but women still date them, women have perceived their sexual activity as okay. If women act whorish, and other women gossip and snipe, then women have perceived their sexual activity as not okay. I think it’s safe to assume that men perceive these situatuons exactly the same way, but my point was that women perceive men’s whorish ways to be okay because they allow men to continue their whorish ways. Hence, “[m]en only do what women let them get away with.”

“I also don’t appreciate you directing your comments at ‘me.’” They’re not directed at you, conceited, except that you are who I am having this discussion with. Surely you know that the second person pronoun is merely a rhetorical device. Don’t make me talk down to you when I obviously don’t have to.

Laura: You seem interested in talking down to me regardless; I don’t “make” you act condescending any more than women “let” men get away with sexual promiscuity. Your sense of agency is kind of fucked up. Cherchez le femme! But let’s review: “If women would stop dating the assholes that you all find so Goddamn charismatic, maybe those same assholes wouldn’t think you’re “damaged goods” for sleeping with other assholes.” Obviously, you’re not using the impersonal “you” if the antecedent of the sentence is “women.” You wouldn’t direct this statement at a man, unless you wanted to make no sense, which is of course always an option.

You’re perceiving sexual judgments as if they exist purely as two one-way streets between men and women, which really isn’t the case. Both men and women make harsher judgments about women who are more sexually active; both men and women are more forgiving or even laudatory of men for the very same behavior. Society, as a whole, does this, not just the dating pool of the opposite sex. You’re also saying that the responsibility for male promiscuity lies with women, because women “let” them do it, which is so completely full of crap for biological, sociological, and practical reasons that I don’t even know where to start. Either way, I’m pretty much done with this discussion–this isn’t a message board, and this conversation has long passed the point of being productive.

Adan: I said men perceived these things exactly the same way. You can read that up there in between your bouts of imagined slights (that one was directed solely at you, Laura Hudson). And yes, I do hold that the responsibility for male promiscuity lies with women. Women need to stop dating them. It’s not like these assholes don’t get a reputation the same way women do. If women stopped sleeping with promiscous men, all the male back-patting in the world wouldn’t hold up this kind of behavior.

Women of the world, stop dating assholes! They will only hurt you in the end. All those guys in high school you thought were kind of bookish and nerdy, they’re the ones who need your love. They will cherish you and love you and never, ever cheat on you. Plus, there’s the added bonus that these nerdy, bookish guys will be too busy reading comics, playing D&D, or watching anime to have time for any sort of promiscuity. Date the nerds!

(Hey, sis, we’re still friends? Sorry I pissed you off. I’m even sorry for the “imagined slights” thing.)

Laura: If I didn’t love you like a brother, Adan, you wouldn’t be able to push my buttons like one. We’re cool.

Superman #659

Adan: This is a very interesting story to me. A very religious woman prays to God when bad things happen, and miraculously, Superman appears every time. She thinks he’s an angel, and he tries to convince her he’s not. Normally, I don’t like religiosity because normally, it’s all words and no deeds (you’ve heard me rail against American Virgin for this exact reason). But this woman, Barbara Johnson, she does truly believe and she acts upon her beliefs to make Suicide Slum a better place. And when she’s laid low, when misfortune befalls Barbara Johnson, she doesn’t blame God. She doesn’t begin questioning his plan. No, she looks around and sees the reason in her misfortune. She sees that while something awful has happened to her, this same awfulness has caused good things to happen to many others around her. This is a true believer, ladies and gentlemen, and if all so-called religious people were like Barbara Johnson, we’d live in a much, much better world.

Laura: If all so-called religious people also applied a slightly thicker layer of reality to their faith, we’d all live in a much, much better world as well. What’s a lot more interesting to me, though, is the way that Superman deals with being treated as a divine being, and his conflicting desires to be both a human being and superhuman savior. A nice one-shot, and good jumping on point, if you’ve been waiting for one.

Adan: Oh, jackass Adam Chamberlain is a-ok in your book, but Barbara Johnson, who has real faith, not some pretend garbage, fuck her because she’s totally delusional.

And while we’re on the subject, happy Ash Wednesday to all you Catholics out there. I would have attended Mass, but I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to say “fuck” while I’m there. Say a Hail Mary for my soul, would you? That would be keen.

X-Factor v1: The Longest Night

Adan: It’s pretty ridiculous that the same guy that writes the awful, awful Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man also writes the very excellent X-Factor. But, like Jamie Madrox, the leader of X-Factor, Peter David embodies contradictions. This trade collects the first six issues of the series, which introduces Singularity Investigations, a Decimated mutant world, and Layla Miller. Oh, that Layla Miller. It also introduces a Multiple Man who’s never sure of his actions nor of their repercussions because to paraphrase Madrox himself, if you can do everything, why choose to do only one thing. Pick up this book; it’s awesome.

Laura: Adan is spot on. I never saw this book coming, but damned if it didn’t knock my socks off. Peter David has made Multiple Man one of the most fascinating and compelling characters in recent memory, whose internal struggle is made literally external as he pops out difference facets of his personality like a human clown car. What’s it like when every aspect of your personality can take physical form, and act on every impulse? How do you conceive of memory when you have to reintegrate all those experiences–and who are you, really, when you exist as fragments as often as you exist as a whole? And that’s just Madrox. David gives us a team of fully-realized superpeople whose personal weaknesses are as important as their powers, and the result is the best X-book on the shelves right now.

And Others…

Adan: We only talked about 52 that one time long, long ago, and then dropped it because whatever. It was gonna do its thing and people were gonna buy or not buy it no matter what we said because either they were already in it, or they had already decided to stay far away from it. But this issue was really good. Instead of the many plots that an average issue of 52 usually deals with, this only deals with one, Ralph Dibny, and this plot thread is finished in a most satisfying manner. The discrepancies between where the Helmet of Fate actually was for a year (which I complained about in my review of Helmet of Fate: Detective Chimp) are put to rest, the seemingly out-of-character actions of Dibny are washed away, and most everything is explained pretty well. … Dude, it was a good ending. It was a satisfying ending. Yeah, Keith Giffen’s Justice League teams loses another member (although with Booster back, I guess the number hasn’t actually changed since last I counted the dead). This is a good issue of 52 and don’t let anybody tell you any different.

Wonder Woman #4 is also out this week, and it features an over-the-top portrayal of Circe as a militant feminist. Apparently, all men are bad. But Diana Prince and Hercules go to her island to prove her wrong… but Hercules ends up proving her right. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mortal or a god, posessing a Y chromosome means you suck a lot.

Adan: I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it until it’s no longer true: Whedon’s all flash and no content. This is yet another issue in which a lot seems to happen, but it’s all just padding. There’s a couple of funny lines, some “Fuck Yeah” scenes, but what really happened in this issue? They landed on the Breakworld. That’s it. That’s all. Now, this isn’t anywhere near as bad as All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder being in the car for four Goddamn issues, but this certainly doesn’t carry enough plot for my tastes. And I know I won’t get a satisfying ending here because I haven’t gotten one for the past three arcs. Oh, where art thou, Fourth Coming? Are you stuck out in the desert? Do you need gas money?

Laura: Sorry, Joss Whedon. I can’t defend you anymore. Gifted was great, so I was willing to roll with the whole “Danger, the sentient Danger Room” arc even though it was (let’s be honest) kind of ridiculous and badly executed. But there comes a point when you can’t make excuses anymore, even for people you love, and you and I have reached that point today. Good ideas and snappy dialogue only take you so far if you can’t string them together cohesively, and after three read-throughs I still didn’t know what was going on half the time in this issue. You’re not even writing the Wonder Woman movie anymore, so stop phoning it in and pull yourself together, man. And seriously—if you pull this kind of crap on Runaways, it’s over between us.

Batman #663

Laura: Deep dark secret time, people: I’ve never been all that impressed with Grant Morrison. I mean, he’s a solid writer with innovative ideas and all, but I never thought he was the second coming of Alan Moore or anything. But I’m big enough to admit when I’m wrong, because Batman #663 is a bullet of exactly how wrong I was, shot directly between my eyes. The first thing you’ll notice when you open the book is all the words; it’s basically a short story with occasional pictures. Don’t be scared, though, because it’s spectacular. Morrison’s prose has never been so electric or unrelenting, pummeling the reader with one brutal, captivating image after another, like one long punch combination with brief pauses for chapter breaks. If you only buy one comic this week, buy this one. Hell, if you only buy one comic this month, it better have the Joker’s eyes bleeding down the cover, or you will have officially missed the boat. It is called the S.S. Awesome, and Batman #663 is your ticket to ride.

Adan: “If you only buy one comic this week, buy this one.” Too bad this isn’t actually a comic; it’s an illustrated short story (seriously, just ask Scott McCloud). But Laura’s not lying about this book being awesome. Because it is. However, she is lying about never being impressed by Grant Morrison. She’s always been impressed. Admitting it, however, means she loses some kind of street cred or something, so she hides her love behind a mask of sarcasm and big words. Not unlike the Batman himself, actually. Does that make me the Joker? Shit… I think I might be insane.

Laura: I’ve told you before that I felt iffy about Morrison, so I’ll have none of these accusations. Impugn my taste if you must, but never my honesty. I am like a sitar that only speaks the truth.

Casanova #7

Adan: This is the last issue of Casanova‘s first album, as Matt Fraction calls them (not volume or arc or season), and boy is it a doozy. Last time we reviewed this book, I said Fraction could condense War and Peace into two pages and not lose any of the emotinal impact (unlike, say, Bendis, who would make it five times longer and lose all emotional impact). It’s still true. And we get a satisfying ending, too. It’s like there’s some places in this wide world where there are still people who know how to write comics. And one of those places is New Port Richey, Florida. I look forward to Casanova II: Electric Bugaloo. And Matt, I know this means next to nothing coming from some dude you don’t even know on the internets, but I’m genuinely sorry about the baby. That has to be rough.

Laura: This issue marks the close of Luxuria, the first “album” of Casanova. It’s a great issue to cap off a great series, but I’m not going to talk about that. I’m going to talk about the closing notes that Matt Fraction adds at the end, five pages of bold, intensely personal exposition that left me split open and stunned at how fucking brave he is. By the end of those five pages his prose had me so completely by the throat that he could have kept me there for another hundred. He talks a little about Casanova, but then starts cutting, and doesn’t stop till he hits bone. “That’s the sauce of this particular chaos, maybe. Belief, faith, sincerity, whatever you want to call it. You gotta fucking ache for it, sometimes; whatever you feel, feel big.” Thank you for this, Matt Fraction. Thank you for sticking a syringe of inspiration under my skin and pushing the plunger all the way in. You made me feel something beautiful on a day when I didn’t think it was possible to feel that way. And yes–you made me feel it big.

Franklin Richards: Lab Brat TP

Adan: It used to be that we comic geeks would have to swear up and down that not all comics were for kids. Nowadays, it seems like we have to swear up and down that comics for kids do exist out there (there’s another extra gory issue of Green Lantern Corps out this week with no kind of warning or rating on the cover). The Franklin Richards: Lab Brat trade by Chris Eliopoulos and Marc Sumerak is a perfect example of comics that are great for kids, and fun for adults. These shorts are sweet and funny, and should be purchased by all those mothers and fathers looking for some good wholesome fun for their kids to read (notice the complete lack of cursing in this review, eh? I can be child safe too).

Laura: That’s funny, because I think I actually picked up the cursing slack this week without meaning to. My feeling on swear words is similar to my feeling about the word “love”: don’t say it unless you really mean it, or it doesn’t mean anything. So I’m not going to say that I love Franklin Richards, but I will admit to liking it rather strongly. It is, as they say, fun for the whole family.

Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E. #12

Adan: “A M.O.D.O.K. and a M.O.D.A.M. made sweet monkey love by the light of a rack of World of Warcraft servers, and I was the result!” Weep, pitiful humans. Weep that you might never see a line of dialogue like this ever again. Nextwave was one of the most absurd and best super-hero books in the world, and you all killed it. You killed it by not buying it, and now it’s gone. …Although, I think I heard somewhere that Warren Ellis said they’d keep doing minis with the Nextwave kids, but that’s no guarantee. I’m sad, and nothing can make me happy.

Laura: How about the fact that the first Nextwave trade also comes out in softcover today? How about a link to the Nextwave theme song, whose lyrics you may remember from the first issue director’s cut? Will that do it? Here you go, bro. The rest of you: please go read this. There is a Devil Dinosaur with a big gun and they drop-kick a baby MODOK and make fun of Captain America and things ‘splode. And it is the last issue of Nextwave! Until the next one!

Punisher Presents Barracuda #1

Laura: People whom this issue might offend: Women, black people, Italians, Southerners, Hispanics, transsexuals, homosexuals, homophobes, and hemophiliacs. And maybe you. But me? I’m ok with it, mostly because it goes so far over the top it ends up on the other side. The book opens on the image of a unusually broad-shouldered prostitute walking out of an alley where Barracuda is zipping up his fly, with the title “A Mouth is a Mouth” running across the bottom of the page. That tells you most of what you need to know, and you’re either in or you’re out.

Adan: Remember when I said nothing could make me happy? I lied. This makes me happy. It’s so wonderfully wrong. It’s just so unapologetically sexist, racist, and any other -ist you can throw in there. And Christopher Walken guest stars, too. Barracuda, the tough SOB that fought Castle to a standstill in the storyarc that bears his name, is back, and he’s just as tough as he ever was. He’s missing an eye and four fingers from his right hand, but fuck it, he can still roll. Garth Ennis obviously has a knack for these kinds of stories with these kinds of characters that just can’t be topped. I’ll keep reading them because I’m a bad person, and so will you. And so will Christian conservatives, because they always need something new to blame shit on. Word on that.

PvP #31

Laura: For the uninitiated, PvP is a webcomic by Scott Kurtz that centers around the staff of a video game magazine and their loveable troll friend, Skull. PvP the comic is essentially PvP strips from the web… in a comic. So if you like the webcomic, you’ll enjoy this, as they are quite literally exactly the same.

Adan: Yeah, I like PvP a lot (in fact, I read it everyday online at www.pvponline.com). And, in an effort to support Scott Kurtz in his endeavors, I used to buy this book monthly. And then I realized I get mostly the same material online for free. Now, this does not mean you should not support Scott Kurtz, because you totally should. He’s a good guy and he deserves it. But you should do it by visiting his site everyday and buying his Truth, Justin, and the American Way mini, whose last issue also came out this week.

Rex Libris #7

Laura: How’s this for a premise: Rex Libris, the head librarian at Middleton Public Library, battles the forces of darkness and ignorance with a wide array of high-tech gadgetry, and of course, the formidable weapon that is his razor-sharp intellect. In this issue, our hero (who looks a little like a young Eugene Levy) ventures inside the pages of a library book in search of a lost patron. The book is titled the Compendio Illustrado de la Morfologia del Monstru del Paleozoico al Cenozoico del Cryptozoologisto Internacionalemente Aclamdo Juane E. Strozzi El Loco, a title referenced numerous times in its entirely, which makes me think that James Turner kind of hates his letterer. The page barriers in the Compendio are breaking down, releasing a menagerie of monsters from their proper classifications. What’s an action librarian to do?

Adan: You know what Rex Libris has that no other comic in the world has? Visicomboics. What is Visicomboics, you ask? Well, you can read the hilarious frontispiece on the inside front cover and it will all be explained. The rest of the comic is also hilarious. And even though I’d never read Rex Libris before, and the story is in media res (as the cinema geeks like to say) it wasn’t difficult to understand what was going on, so it’s got that going for it too. Pick it up, give it a try. It’s not like Civil War came out this week or anything, so you should have the extra cash.

Y the Last Man #54

Laura: The issues sees the return of the Fish & Bicycle theater troupe, whose name references the the infamous quote, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” (a stupid, counterproductive sentiment that you can attribute to Irina Dunn, not Gloria Steinem as popularly credited). Anyway, after failing at their cinematic ventures, the ladies of Fish & Bicycle turn to the medium of comics, which has “all the advantages of film and none of the drawbacks,” they gush. They decide to make a comic book about the sole survivor of a female gendercide—essentially, X the Last Woman, although the name they choose for it is actually far lamer. “It’s this quasi-femininst sci-fi thing. Very po-mo,” Yorick meta-intellectualizes about it. He’s kind of non-plussed by the idea, and at the moment, so am I. Also, I don’t buy “father-fuckin’” as an expletive, but you know, “A” for effort.

Adan: “Meh.” Yorick Brown is as unimpressed with the comic he reads in this issue as I am with this issue. It’s all so meta. This is a standalone story that centers on those travelling theater troupe girls who had Ampersand for a little while way back when. They try to make a movie and then they write a comic. The comic is, predictably, about a female-killing plague that leaves only one girl alive, along with her mare named Airheart. I repeat, “Meh.”

Adan: This has been touted as a book which lets readers peer into future Superman storyarcs, but all I see here is the resurgence of the Silver Age. Kryptonian criminals, Mon-El, Bizarro World, multi-colored Kryptonite and… are those statues of the old-school Legion of Super-Heroes in the Fortress of Solitude? Oh, sweet Jesus. Well, like it or not, and I certainly do not (except for the Mon-El bit; that’s pretty cool), the Silver Age is back in a big way, with all its silliness and convolutedness intact, one assumes. I just hope to God they don’t bring back the Bat-Hombre. That would require a whole new Crisis all by itself.

Laura: The first story, narrated by Luthor, is about all various ways one could kill Superman, if one wanted. It’s a concept which I think would work really well as an Edward Gorey story. Or Stewie-style musical number. The most interesting thing about this book, for me, is not the way it is, but the way I like to imagine it. And maybe the Mon-El story, but not much else.

Detective Comics #828

Adan: I love what Paul Dini has done here: with the Riddler in particular, and with Detective Comics in general. Dini has turned this book into its namesake: a comic about detecting. Every issue is self-contained and every issue features Batman unraveling a mystery. Sometimes, you get the reformed Riddler attempting to solve the mystery as well, and that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. When I was watching the Batman Adventures cartoon in my misspent youth, the Riddler episodes were always my favorite because there was always some cool mysteries to solve. Dini gives me both of those things almost every single issue in Detective. Unfortunately, this issue wasn’t one of his best, as the mystery was only so-so, but, you do get a good, old-fashioned team-up between Edward Nigma and the Dark Knight which is pretty damn cool.

Laura: OK, riddle me this. If you were on a party boat in the middle of the ocean and suddenly Batman appeared out of nowhere to rescue a passenger, what conclusions might you possibly come to? Might you think, perhaps, that Batman could be one of the guests at the party? Riddler, despite his supposed first-class intellect and superior riddle-solving ability, doesn’t seem to connect these dots, but whatever. I’ve really enjoyed Dini’s work on Detective, but unfortunately, this isn’t one of his best–If you’re looking for the good stuff, go back and read his last two issues, which featured Joker and Scarface respectively. On the positive side, this is an issue of Detective Comics that is primarily about detectives detecting things, and that’s the kind of semantic accuracy I appreciate.

DMZ v2: Body of a Journalist TP

Adan: The second DMZ TPB features the five part “Body of a Journalist” arc, in which Matty Roth learns what it takes to survive in Manhattan, as well as the “Zee, NYC” standalone, which is basically Zee’s origin story, and “The New York Times” standalone, which is the noob’s guide to New York after hostilities began. Listen, I know Brian Wood (or B-Wood, as I like calling him for no real good reason) is as red as your mom is easy*, but I can’t help loving every thing he writes. It’s like Chairman Mao writing one of your favorite comics: yeah, the guy’s a political moron, but he’s a genius when it comes to spinning yarns. Pick up the first trade, and then come back for this one. You’ll thank me later, and then you’ll feel weird inside for loving the work of Pinko scum.

Laura: I love that you love Brian Wood, Adan, despite your irrational (and very real, folks!) fear of communists. DMZ is pretty good, though, so I have to give you credit for giving credit where credit is due. In “Body of a Journalist,” Matty Roth gets kidnapped, and meets the leader of the Free Armies, a most excellent journalistic scoop indeed. He also has a chance to finally get the hell out of New York, with its suicide bombings and sniper attacks and nasty diseases, but decides that actually… he’d rather stay. The conflict between the crazy Free Armies and the even crazier U.S. Government “is a war of extremes pushing against each other,” says Roth. “But the stories lie in the middle. Here, in the city. That’s the interesting stuff.” He’s sticking around for the interesting stuff, and so am I. And so are you, goddamn it.

Adan: 1) It’s not fear, it’s hatred. 2) It’s not irrational, it’s based on history. How could rational people not hate a form of government which has killed millions of its own people almost every time it’s been implemented? 1072000 in Yugosalvia under Tito, 1663000 in North Korea under Kim Il-Sung and Kim Jong-Il, 1670000 in Vietnam under Ho Chi Minh, 2035000 in Cambodia under the Khmer Rouge, 61911000 in the Soviet Union, 76702000 in China under Mao and the PRC. Estimates are from here. Read the Black Book of Communism too, if you want to know more.

Laura: I’m not espousing Communism or saying that it’s an awesome way to run a country. It’s just that your hatred seems a little arbitrary and disproportionate. I mean, there are lots of bad things in life to hate, but you don’t go after fascists or anarchists or religious fanatics with the same kind of vitriol, or worry that they’re hiding around every corner, like you do with communists. Dude, you suggested I was a sympathizer because I like The Nightly News!

Adan: It only seems disproportionate because everybody else isn’t picking up the slack. You hear all the time about how awful Fascist Germany was and how many people they killed in their concentration camps. However, I never hear about how awful Soviet Russia was and how many people were killed in the Gulags or how awful Mao’s China was and how many people were killed in the Cultural Revolution. Communism seems to be almost mainstream right now, whereas Fascism is not. “Oh, look how cool it would be to have a Dictatorship of the Proletariat.” I will continue to scream about the evils of Communism until people start to listen.

And you might be a sympathizer not because you like that awful book The Nightly News (that just shows you have bad taste), but because you want to overthrow the Bourgeoisie.

*Frankly, that was uncalled for.

Fell #7

Laura: Richard Fell just loooves the Sherlock moment. You know, the big finale of the investigation where the shrewd detective unravels the nefarious plot, retracing the criminal’s steps and fateful missteps and grinning smugly as the evildoer finally stands exposed. Fell lives for that moment, both because he enjoys outwitting these human dregs, and because he really gets off on being a white hat and sticking it to the bad guys. Egotism is a dangerous weakness in almost any business, because in the end it’s really just about you, not the thing you’re trying to do. Fell’s about to learn this lesson the hard way, so grab some popcorn, and enjoy the hubris.

Adan: Okay, literature lesson time (there will be a quiz later): When Icarus flew too high on wings made of wax, the sun melted them and he plummeted to his death. When Oedipus thought he would deny fate, he ended up whacking his dad and boning his mom. When Macbeth thought he had eliminated all contenders for the Scottish throne save himself, Macduff comes over and kills him dead. So what happens when Detective Richard Fell thinks he can put away a murderer easy peasy by laying out all the facts of the case, smirking all the while? I told you there’d be a quiz.

Ghost Rider: Trail of Tears #1

Adan: The War of Yankee Aggression claimed many lives, and many families. Apparently, it also claimed one very special soul for one very special mission. Travis Parham is your run of the mill Confederate soldier. He was, anyway, until a particularly awful battle which ended in Southern defeat left Travis Parham for dead, to be found by a man who’d recently freed himself from slavery. And it’s this man that nurses Travis Parham back from the dead, ready to take vengeance on those that need it. Clayton Crain’s artwork is quite phenomenal in this book. It lends it a spooky feeling that a Ghost Rider book ought to have, even when the Ghost Rider himself is absent. And Ennis’ trademarked blood, guts, and debauchery is absent as well (mostly), proving he can write something that isn’t intended to totally gross you out.

Laura: Ghost Rider is crying a trail a tears, and it’s because he is not actually in this book. No, seriously, he’s not–but it’s pretty good, so who cares? A Rebel soldier is rescued from a bloody battlefield by a fiercely independent freeman, and as he recovers they transcend racial boundaries and gain mutual respect, in a manner that actually does not feel as stilted as it sounds. The art is creepy cool, especially when the nameless African gods of death make all the trees go crazy. No skulls are on fire just yet, but the book ends on an ominous note foreshadowing the crimes to come–and of course, the fiery vengeance bound to follow. Garth Ennis is practically the patron saint of excess, but he’s proved me wrong here, scripting a strong, simple tale that trades shock and flash for subtlety and ambience.

Maintenance #2

Laura: Doug and Manny, it’s official: I really like you guys. Not a like you like you sort of thing, but rather a strong fondness that would optimally lead to beers and Wii tournaments. I just really enjoy spending time with you. I like when you sit around talking about your weird dreams involving Happy Days characters; I like when you argue about disappearing chrono-mops; I like when you go back in time and bro down with over-entitled cavemen. Everything you do makes me smile! There are so many unlikable characters in comics these days, I guess because the operating theory is that being an asshole makes you interesting and complex and real, but I find it so refreshing that Doug and Manny are just nice guys that make me laugh, and still manage to seem more like people than most characters who wear costumes. High five, guys.

Adan: We know that we reviewed the first issue only a month and half ago or so, but no one seems to have listened. This book is ridiculously funny, and you have to read it. Let’s recap: Doug and Manny are janitors for TerroMax, the mad scientists’ answer to Wal-Mart. They clean up toxic spills, fix time machines, and chase down zombie kittens when they leave their cages. And they are nice, even though they work for some dastardly people (although, if all the mad scientists are interested in doing is making Mutant Peanut Armies or Flying Caveman Armies, I think their consciences are clear). Okay dudes, seriously: buy this book. If we did things like give ratings or whatever, this book would get the highest. It would get higher than the highest, it’s so good.

New Avengers #27

Laura: It’s the New New Avengers, reassembled yet again. This time we’ve got Luke Cage, Dr. Strange, Spider-Woman, Iron Fist, Wolverine, Ronin, Echo, and Spider-Man, in his still-unexplained black costume. I know that something Terrible is supposed to have happened, and that the costume now represents the unbearable blackness of his inner being, but Spidey still seems as wise-cracking and jovial as ever. I guess we all grieve in our own unique ways.

Anyway, Echo has been posing as Ronin in Japan for some time now, waging a one-woman war against the Hand and its leader, Elektra. Apparently everyone in the U.S. forgot about Maya Lopez and her vigilante cross-dressing because they were too busy playing Rebs and Yanks, and now she’s in a bit of a jam. Who can she possibly turn to for help? Insert shot of the new New Avengers, bursting through the wall like the Kool Aid Man. Ohhhh yeeeah.

Adan: Ronin was supposed to be this huge deal in New Avengers, appearing on damn near every cover, in fact. Unfortunately, Ronin only appeared in one arc, in which she was outed as Daredevil’s deaf ex-girlfriend Echo. And then nothing. Nothing until this issue (which is expertly drawn by one of my favorites, Leinil Francis Yu), in which she complains that she’s been left alone by the Avengers to fend for herself in Japan, which is essentially true, both in-continuity and from a writing perspective. She got left to rot, and it seems the only reason she’s being brought back is because there’s a new Ronin and I guess we need to make sure it’s not her again. Dammit, Bendis! You used to be awesonme! What the fuck happened?

Secret #1

Laura: There’s a little bit of wish fulfillment going on in this story, as a hot, popular chick invites our protagonist, Tommy Morris, to the cool kids party, and then totally cannot drop her panties fast enough once they’re alone. You know, because casual sex is what hot popular girls like to do with slightly uncool, socially inferior boys in high school. Anyway, the entertainment du jour at the cool kids party is prank calling random numbers and telling people on the other line “I know your secret!” Because that will soooo freak them out! They also tell their victims to come to a deserted local park in the middle of the night, so they can make fun of them. Sounds like the sort of thing that might be a bad idea if you were in a bad teen horror movie, which unfortunately this comic is. Sure enough, one of the people they prank is really scary and responds badly to these crazy kids “knowing [his] secret.” Then the entire high school brain trust heads down the park just to see if he’ll show up—oh, and did I mention they were calling from their cell phones without blocking their numbers? Cue nerve-wracking horror movie music! OooOoo!

Adan: What, now? What the fuck is this? Is this Sorority Slumber Party IV: Stupid Rich Jackasses Get Torn To Pieces Because They’re Stupid Rich Jackasses? Oh man, I have so much contempt for this bull… There is spittle in the corners of my mouth, I am so… Okay, I won’t let it get to me. Don’t buy this. It’s crap. I’m done.

X-men: Phoenix Warsong #5

Adan: “Our hearts are diamond now. Permanently. We’ll never feel anything ever again. But the Phoenix will never escape.” So says Celeste, the more balanced of the Cuckoos (although balanced here is a relative term) at the end of this excremental mini-series. Boo-fucking-hoo, the Cuckoos will never feel anything ever again, and Emma Frost blames it all on Jean Grey, even though she’s been dead for a few years. Whatever, the real tragedy here is that with this bullshit treating of the Cuckoos, all vestiges of the great Morrison run on X-men are gone. Now I’ve nothing but this to look forward to until the Fourth Coming.

Laura: After everything goes to shit because Celeste and the other Cuckoos can’t control the Phoenix, Emma gives a painfully cloying speech about how Celeste is such a strong person, and maybe she really can control the Phoenix! You know, despite the fact that nobody can. “I’m thinking… I’m hoping… That’s why the Phoenix chose you Celeste… I think… I think you have work to do… Phoenix work.” Oh Emma, what have they done to you? You’re supposed to be acerbic and imperious, not a simpering little bitch who cries at the sky and speechifies about hearts and feelings while constantly trailing off into ellipses. The book ends with the Phoenix Force locked away in the Cuckoos’ cold, diamond hearts of symbolism, apparently extinguishing their wooden little emotions. “If I could feel anything… I think I would cry!” Me too, sweetheart. Me too.

And Others…

Adan: So, the much ballyhoed Dark Tower is also out this week. I read it, and I had the same problem I did with The Hedge Knight: it seemed like I was reading an adapted story. But that’s okay because Jae Lee’s art is freaking awesome. Also, he’s really cute (I saw him at the Midtown signing last night). He may be the cutest guy in comics today.

Laura: My, aren’t we fickle. I thought you said BKV was the cutest guy in comics. But now you’ve just tossed him aside for the next pretty face. Shame on you, Adan. Shame on you.

Adan: Actually, I said BKV was the most handsome man in comics (which he still totally is). Jae Lee may be the cutest. And I think Grant Morrison is the sexiest (have you seen that photo where he’s just in his tighty-whities? oh my God, my knees are getting wobbly just thinking about it).

Laura: I can’t say that I’m ready to put any of those guys on the cover of the Teen Beat magazine inside my heart. I think you and I have some very, very different ideas about what makes men attractive.

Adan: Alright, so who would be on the cover of the Teen Beat magazine in your heart? Inquiring minds want to know.

Laura: I’ll never tell. A girl has to have her secrets.

Laura: Mom, Dad—I love you guys. And I totally appreciate how you read this column every week, even though you have no idea what I’m talking about. Unfortunately, I’m gonna have to ask you to sit this one out. Seriously, stop reading now. Trust me, this is for your own good.

Adan: Comics come in all shapes and sizes, in all genres and for all age groups. This one is strictly for the over 18 crowd, so little boys and girls, go find your parents and tell them I specifically told you not to read this review (which is all about colossal cock and soaking snatch, by the way). I’m not a Puritan or anything and I’ve seen a lot of porn (I used to write copy for Penthouse Video which featured nothing but naked women sucking and fucking, so don’t judge), but my personal line is drawn well before rape and incest porn, which is what most of this book is. I guess that does it for some people (including most of the Japanese since this is usually what Japanese porn looks like… seriously, don’t judge), but it doesn’t do it for me (don’t worry about what does, you don’t need to know). However, this book makes no pretensions as to what it is, like Tarot and Lady Death do. This book is all about nipple nabbing and pussy pounding all the time, sometimes with your sexy sister and sometimes against your will (sort of), and it won’t pretend it’s not. I can at least respect the creators for that much.

Laura: I am aware that you are a porn professional, Adan, and that your sensibilities have grown cold and hard (no pun intended) through countless viewings of every sexual configuration and fetish the adult video industry has to offer. I, for one, thought that the internet in all its glorious deviance had prepared me for the AG Super Erotic Anthology. I was wrong.

The first story is about two students who realize that their meaningless sexual relationship has blossomed into love, and they christen this revelation by having graphic sex on a rooftop. Somehow this turns her into a prefectural governor. Yeah, I don’t know either. Regardless, it’s by far the high point of the book, and kinda sweet in the sense that it involves consensual sex between two people who are not related, and a woman that is treated mostly like a person. You’re not going to get much more of that. Here’s how the rest of the book breaks down: violent rape and degradation, degradation, and then straight up incest with a girl so young it is probably statutory rape. I know that it takes diff’rent strokes to move the world and all that, but come on–this isn’t just offensive, it’s extremely unsexy, and also boring. If your standards for eroticism are this low and banal, I feel sorry for you and everyone you sleep with. In a world where there is so very, very much porn to choose from, you choose the AG Super Erotic Anthology? Hey, whatever. I’ll just be over here, reading Lost Girls and silently judging you.

American Virgin #11

Laura: I’m not sure I believe Adam Chamberlain anymore, when he talks about his deep and unwavering religious convictions. But then, I’m not sure he believes himself either. It’s hard to deal with a crisis of faith when you’re a high profile evangelical, and not even 21. The third arc begins with Adam clinging to his faith on a surface level, while also mentally undressing girls at the beach and attending Eyes Wide Shut-style orgies. The orgy is totally ok though, because he’s really only there to discover God’s plan. (I’m sure it all made sense at the time.) I know he’s just trying to keep it together in the public eye while falling apart in private, and I feel bad for the kid. Still, he’s gotta pick a side eventually. Either he rejects his doubts and temptations, or he stops preaching black and white morality to the rest of the world. And unless you want to end up like Ted Haggard someday, I suggest you get off your high horse and come on down to world of imperfection and complexity where the rest of us live.

On a final note, what is up with the cover? Why is he wearing eyeliner? When you think God doesn’t love you anymore, I guess that means it’s time go emo. All he needs to complete the picture are some beat-up Chuck Taylors, and tears. I can practically hear Bright Eyes playing in the background.

Adan: I still hate this book. Mostly because Adam is still a hypocritical ass, but at least he’s receiving visions from his dead girlfriend, so there’s that. However, he also blackmailed his stepdad into going to see Cyndi at the hospital. And before that he said, “My faith in our Lord has not wavered one bit.” What complete and utter bullshit. God, I hate this book. That said, I can step back and see that my hatred for this book comes not because the book is badly written or badly drawn (in fact, Becky Cloonan draws awesomely), but because Adam Chamberlain is a hypocritical ass and I cannot abide hypocritical asses. So, I’m sorry Steven T. Seagle and Becky Cloonan, but your main character makes me hate your book a lot.

Ex Machina #26

Adan: This is the start of the Blackout arc and I’m all a-twitter for it. It’s gonna be great reliving the eight mile walk from Midtown Manhattan all the way to my house in Queens in the middle of the night and then coming to a house with no A/C. But seriously folks, BKV is still the most handsome man in comics and he still knows how to write good books (I think he’s the only writer whom I have unconditionally loved; even Grant Morrison and Alan Moore have written some awful things, but not BKV). Mayor Hundred talks about the hole that is still the World Trade Center, he talks to his mom, Kremlin and January talk some more about fucking up Hizonner’s plans, and some dude in a deep-diving suit shows up to commit some mayhem. Just read it, it’s great. Also, does anybody have BKV’s phone number? I wanted to call him up, you know, just to chat. Maybe he wants to get a drink with me, or a quick bite to eat. You know, whatever.

Laura: Although BKV is admittedly one up on all the other bald white men in the industry, he is hardly the sexiest man in comics. I’m not going to name any names, I’m just saying.

There’s a lot of pseudo-realism in this issue, as we explore 9/11, the Twin Towers redesign, and the NYC blackout of 2003, all delightfully twisted by the Ex Machina universe. Things are getting more complicated for Mayor Hundred; he pays a long overdue visit to his momma under the pretense of meeting a lady friend, and assures a cautious Rick that he can “trust this girl.” But can he? Seems that mommie dearest has been spending an awful lot of time with Kremlin, who is currently in league with January to subvert Hundred’s administration. Ooh, the intrigue. Also, a crazy scuba man emerges from the deep, shooting lightning from his crazy scuba suit. All this, and more.

Hellboy Animated: The Black Wedding

Adan: Well, it’s not as good as a real Hellboy yarn (and it’s also not in continuity), but I guess it’ll do in a pinch. Mike Mignola doesn’t even get credited for anything except for creating the characters (although Tad Stones does mention him in his introduction a lot). It’s just light, fluffy fun. It won’t win any awards, but neither will it burn out your eyes. Just turn your brain off for a little while and enjoy the Hellboy-flavored candy that you know you deserve. And watch the animated movie, too. I hear it’s pretty good.

Laura: The animated movie apparently integrates a story from the real Hellboy comic called “Heads,” which Hellboy fans tell me is just awesome. I haven’t seen it yet, but I hear good things. This comic is… well, it’s a lot like the Gargoyles comic, but with Hellboy. The short story at the end about Li’l Hellboy emulating his TV hero Lobster Johnson is pretty endearing, but overall it’s exactly what you’d expect from a comic book version of a cartoon–no more and no less.

The Phantom Annual #1

Adan: I’ve never read any Phantom before, but this was pretty good. It’s just some down home pulpy goodness in which five different Ghosts Who Walk take on a quest that will span four centuries. There are five pieces of a jade dragon which legend tells will unleash the power and fury of a real dragon that was captured and imprisoned in antiquity, and the Phantom cannot allow the Singh Brotherhood to acquire any of the pieces. The five Phantoms tell each of their part of the story in their journals (for posterity’s sake, one assumes), but each entry doesn’t feel like a different voice. The five Phantoms certainly act differently in their part of the story, they just seem to write exactly the same. Oh well, it’s still good pulp. Check it out if you just want some simple adventure tales.

Laura: The cool part about this book is that there aren’t just five different stories for five different Phantoms–there are actually five different creative teams as well. Each tale and time period has a distinct look and feel, and it’s all delightfully pulpy and swashbuckling. This book makes me wish I were ten years old, reading it under the sheets by flashlight after my bedtime.

Teen Titans #43

Adan: Why is it that when a team faces a grave new threat, they’re always separated? All the kids are doing their own things when Deathstroke’s new Titans East team attacks them: Robin, Wonder Girl, and Raven are in the Robin-Cave (where he was trying to clone Superboy) in Frisco, Kid Devil’s at a church in Los Feliz, California, Cyborg and Miss Martian are in Louisiana at Belle Reve talking to Bombshell, and Jericho and Ravager are in New York visiting Nightwing. So of course the bad guys attack. C’mon Titans, it’s like painting four to seven bullseyes on yourselves whenever you split up. But I’m still very much interested in most of the Titans East kids’ backstories. Except for that Kid Crusader guy. Hey, buddy, aren’t you supposed to be taking over for the Confessor in Astro City?

Laura: The theme of this issue is family–getting it, having it, and losing it. Jericho and Ravager finally have it, but Deathstroke wants it back, and he’s going to take it away from everyone else. Also, the first page introduces Robin as Tim Drake, “protoge to Batman.” No accent aigu either. For Christ’s sake, is spell-check really that hard? There’s no electrical shock connected to the F7 key, I swear.

Ultimate Civil War: Spider-Ham (featuring Wolverham) #1

Laura: I had a good feeling about this book from the moment I saw the be-pigged Marvel characters crowding around a blood-soaked dollar sign on the cover. Within the first few pages, Spider-Ham bemoans the demise of thought balloons, and starts breaking the fourth wall to collect his own caption boxes right off the page. With the help of Dr. Strange, he travels to strange and different universes in search of thought balloons–or really, just to show us hilarious pig-versions of various Marvel characters, which is fine by me. The book as a whole doesn’t totally live up the promise of the first few pages, and it’s kind of one-note… but hey, it’s a pretty good note.

Adan: Not as funny as the Wha Huh!? special awhile back, nor as funny as the whole Civil War nonsense unintentionally is currently, but still somewhat funny. The spiel here is that Spider-Ham needs to find his thought balloons because he’s tired of caption boxes (come to think of it, so am I). And so he has to travel through the multiverse assuming new, pork-related guises for single pages (sometimes less) in order to find them. My favorites of the bunch: Green Ham (and Eggs) and Aunt Ham (yes, I spelled that correctly). However, I don’t think it’s worth the… oh wait, it’s actually only $2.99. That’s surprising. Fuck it, go out and get it. What else are you buying this week anyway?

Walking Dead #34

Adan: This issue was alright. Nothing special. Kirkman just can’t seem to wow me on this book unless he is torturing some bastard. This book continues to be just another ho-hum, lackluster zombie book (except for the few times when it says something insightful about the human condition, like last issue). I know it’s supposedly the greatest thing since sliced zombie bread (made with real brains), but I just can’t bring myself to care (by the way, yes it is weird to praise Kirkman for the complete awesomeness that is Invincible one week, and then saying he bores me on Walking Dead the very next week).

Laura: If nobody’s spooning eyes out of sockets, you’re just not happy, are you? Also: you’re wrong. This is far more than just another zombie book, and although its excellence has ebbed and flowed at moments, it’s still goddamn great. I don’t particularly like horror, in any medium, and I don’t really care about zombies. But I care about Rick and Glenn and Michonne and the lives they are trying to eke out in this living hell, and I give huge props to Kirkman for the terrifying, touching story he has given us about what it means to be human in the face of overwhelming inhumanity. Don’t tell anyone, but I think you might be my favorite, Kirkman. And hearts semi-colon.

And Others…

Adan: I really wanted to do Snakewoman this week, but it turns out Laura now has this cushy job with Virgin Comics and it’d be a conflict of interest for her to remark upon the books from her new company. You goddamn sellout! What happened to integrity!? What happened to honor!? What happened to saying what needed to be said, damn the Man!? Now, now you are the Man. I thought I knew you… …That said, if Marvel calls up offering me a job, then Civil War is the best comic ever, and Reginald Hudlin’s Black Panther is sheer bloody genius. A tour de force, one might be persuaded to say, if said persuasion came with benefits and a hefty pay raise.

Laura: If my (PART-TIME) job is so cushy, how come I still can’t afford premium brands of cereal? God, I’m so sick of Tasteeos. Also, I think the whole point of not reviewing comics by companies that pay me is to preserve my integrity. Plus, nothing is stopping you from talking about those titles. I know that I am your personal lighthouse, guiding you through the rocky shoals of comic book reviews, but I truly believe you can do this on your own. Let me know if you need me to hold your hand. I’m there for you, bro.

Adan: If by guiding light and holding my hand, you mean shooting me in the goddamn back, then yes, yes you do.

Laura: My likes include long walks on the beach and shooting into melee. You’ve always known that about me.

100 Bullets #80

Adan: This book is harder to understand than a Chinese man with a Scottish accent speaking broken Spanish. And yet, I keep reading it, because while I may not be entirely sure what it’s trying to say, I’m enjoying the hell out of watching it say it. Risso’s art is, as always, top notch, which is part of the reason why this book is still fun even though I don’t really know what’s going on. But the real fun, at least for me, is trying to figure out what is going on. Azzarello’s sparse dialogue and wonderful use of visual metaphors, as well as his sing-song attitude towards scene changes just sparks the English major in me in a big way and I just want to dissect the piece until I figure out what’s making it tick. I’m still dissecting, and I assume that I’ll keep on dissecting until the end of the series, and even then, I may have to dissect a little more.

Laura: I’ve only read the first trade, a problem I plan to rectify as soon as someone lends me the rest, but as it stands I’m not really qualified to comment on 100 Bullets. This is a complicated and layered book that relies heavily on your knowledge of previous issues, which I do not have. Trying to make sense of this single out of sequence was almost as stupid as the time I picked up Seven Soldiers for the very first time on its very last issue.

Adan: You didn’t even read this, did you? All this “I’m not qualified” nonsense is merely a smokescreen for your Tuesday night debaucheries, isn’t it?

Laura: I totally read it! Off the top of my head: Diz got kidnapped, and one guy compared anal sex to kryptonite, which is probably the detail that stuck with me most vividly. And for your information, I stayed in Tuesday night and did not debauch anything.

Civil War: The Return

Laura: I’m about to tell you who returns, so if you don’t want this spoiled, then avert your eyes! Also, remember to avert them from the cover as you buy it, since that pretty much spoils it too. Here’s the big reveal: Captain Mar-Vell is back from the dead… but not really! And he’s pro-reg. Also, Sentry is pro-reg. Which you already knew. Now you have effectively read this book, so please do not buy it. Buying worthless Civil War titles only encourages more bullshit—kind of like feeding seagulls at the beach. Do not feed the animals, or else the next time Marvel is crapping all over you with another sprawling, pointless crossover event, know that you brought it upon yourself.

Adan: An apropos metaphor. Frankly, this book does suck. Why did Marvel think this was a good idea, bringing back Captain Mar-Vell? I guess after Bucky and Uncle Ben, it was open fucking season, huh? Also, those publishing rights must’ve been about to run out too. He’s the warden of the Negative Zone prison? Does that make sense to anybody in the world? And that stupid Sentry story where he decides he’s pro-registration for like the third time: what’s the deal with killing off the Absorbing Man and then telling me he’ll be back in the SAME GODDAMN PANEL!? I guess now I can’t complain when characters come back from the dead because you’ve told me they will. Oh wait, yes I can.

Invincible #38

Adan: When I first started reading Invincible, there were only three trades out. I read them all super fast, and then patiently waited for the next trade. Unfortunately, I totally forgot to keep reading this book, so I didn’t read anything again until this weekend. Laura said she wanted to do this book, and I hemmed and I hawwed because I really didn’t want to have to read all the trades that had cropped up in the interim in order to catch up. In fact, I almost decided just to read this issue and pretend I knew what I was talking about. But I bit the bullet and read all the trades and the two issues before this one not currently in trade (I even read the Official Handbook). And am I super happy that I did. The emotional body blow of Mark kissing Atom Eve on the last page would have totally been lost on me. I probably would have just called him a cheating whore and made some kind of flippant comment about what a dick Mark is for doing that to Amber and blah, blah, blah. The reality is that… well, the reality is that Mark did fuck up and will have to deal with that, but is Amber really the right girl for him? Eve can take care of herself and she understands the superhero life in a way Amber never will. But Mark will have to choose, and very, very soon. He also better tell Amber regardless of what he chooses because it’s the right thing to do.

…Also, I’m a huge girl.

In an effort to re-establish the testosterone in my body, let me also mention that Rus Livingston, the NASA astronaut left on Mars, is heading towards Earth as the host for the Sequids and that Allen the Alien is back, and stronger than ever. Both of these things make for awesome future stories as only Kirkman can tell them.

And since I’ve already written a book here, let me also say that Robert Kirkman’s writing on this book is phenomenal. He juggles all his subplots effortlessly and lets them simmer just long enough in the background before bringing them to the forefront as full-fledged plots. And even when very little happens, it feels like everything is happening, but in a good way. I’ve not felt overwhelmed while reading this book because I could forget about subplots until I was subtly reminded. The Sequids thing? Totally forgotten (even though I just read the trades), but when Rus showed up again, I was “Oh yeah” and then Kirkman moved on, and I moved on with him.

Look, this book is awesome, and if you’re not reading it, then something is wrong with you, like it was wrong with me until just very recently.

Laura: Invincible professes to be “probably the best superhero book in the universe.” It is a bold claim indeed, but after reading through the entire run in the last several hours, I think there’s a pretty strong case for it. Top-notch art, careful, intelligent plotting and a fun factor through the roof conspire to make this a book that should be on everyone’s top ten. I don’t just like Kirkman as a writer, I trust him. I give myself over to his stories wholly and utterly, because he has earned it, and because he makes it so much goddamn fun to suspend your disbelief. And the good news is, it’s only getting better.

I was not actually planning to spoil the Eve-smooching finale, but since that ship has sailed, here’s what I think: Good for you, Mark Grayson. This was a very, very smart move, assuming you don’t screw it up next issue by waffling back and forth until they *both* hate you. I’m sure you care about Amber and that your relationship has been very meaningful, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be 2getha 4eva. Let’s be honest: you probably won’t, because the sad fact is that although you may love her, love isn’t always enough. You don’t live in the same world, you don’t have enough in common, and she’s never going to be able to relate to you or share your life the way Eve can. Eve is sweet, smart, smokin’ hot, and a superhero, just like you—and that’s worth turning your world upside-down for.

Why? Because life is very short, windows of opportunity can close, and you’ve got to take chances while you can. Think you know a girl who could be The One? Go after her, or regret it forever. Remember: someday you will be dead. And then you will not get to ask that girl out, because your only date for the rest of eternity will be with the cold embrace of the graaave.

Adan:: Yeah, we should all be hedonistic whores out for ourselves while we can still screw over other people. …Okay, that was harsh, but that’s what you sounded like. The problem is not that Eve might be The One, it’s that both Eve and Amber might be The One, and he has to choose between them (personally, I wished he’d chosen before cheating on his current girlfriend) and the choosing of one over the other means he will close one door, destroy one opportunity in favor of another. The One could be left on the side, never to be encountered again, all because you rushed a very important decision because “life is very short.”

Laura: I’ve seen virtually no evidence that Amber is The One–a charming first love to be sure, but not a lifelong partner. And my point is not that you should act like a huge whore because you’re impulsive and horny; it’s that you shouldn’t be afraid to take risks and go after what you want, even when it’s complicated and inconvenient. Yes, it would have been better to break up with Amber before he kissed Eve, but since when are the beginnings and ends of relationships perfectly neat and clean? The real test of his moral center is not what he did, but what he does next.

Adan: I’ve seen virtually no evidence that Eve is The One–a fellow superhero who no doubt can relate to many things that Mark is going through, but this does not The One make. Rex Splode and Dupli Kate can relate to Mark too, but they aren’t even in contention for The One. And why does Mark all of a sudden want Eve? He wasn’t even thinking about her in a romantic way (with the exception of his first crush way back when) until he found out from future Eve that she loved him. My point is that he doesn’t know what he wants, and therefore can’t “go after” either of them (although, again, he shouldn’t be “going after” anybody what with having a girlfriend already). And it’s not that relationships should be neat and clean, but they should definitely be honest. If in the next two issues (barring any unforseen global atack) Mark doesn’t tell Amber about this kiss, regardless of what he’s feeling for who (actually, he should probably tell he’s conflicted too), I’m going to have to not like him anymore. This will undoubtedly cause problems, and may even end their relationship, but at least he’s being honest.

Moon Knight #7

Adan: Okay, Marvel, sit down. That’s right, sit your collective ass down. Avi Arad can’t tell you what to do anymore. If you want to make a book a MAX book, you can. Any book. If you want the Power Pack to grow up to be a bunch of crack addicts who suck cock for rock, you can (wow, I think I scared myself just a little bit there). It’s okay. You don’t have to pretend to be an all-ages book when you so obviously aren’t. Wait, you’re not pretending this is an all-ages book? Then why is there no parental advisory tag on the cover of the book to let parents know that this super-hero book which ties into your super-mega ultra super-hero crossover event has a man running around with a skinned face and a scene in which some mystery man keeps grabbing some mystery woman’s ass and talking about how he totally would have done her right if he still had a working penis? Oh, and all those little asterisks? We know what they mean. We know what you really wanted to say there. You thought it was clever and gets around the R rating, or whatever? Well then, Marvel, **** you.

Laura: Whoever wrote the introduction recapping the book needs to invest in a grammar checker. Sure, sentence fragments have their place, and in the right hands they can be effective stylistic tools. Unfortunately, these were not the right hands. Also, I’m not interested in moralizing about the content, although the fairly extreme sexual harassment by the decomposing guy (and the woman’s indifferent “oh, you” response) didn’t exactly win me over. What’s more important is that despite the gory faces and creepy grab-assing and foul language, it still manages to be boring. Next.

Mouse Guard #6

Laura: Before I tell you how good the sixth and final issue of Mouse Guard was—and it was very good indeed—I’m afraid I have to nitpick first. Because I am a pedant, and the word “their” was misspelled not once, but twice within the first two pages. How many people involved in the production of this book failed to notice that the third word of dialogue was spelled “thier”? Jesus. Fix it in the trade, ok? Moving on…

The siege of Lockhaven begins, with the noble Guardmice risking all to hold off the invading forces of Midnight’s militia. Yes, the characters have a cuteness factor somewhere between Snuggle Bear and fuzzy wuzzy baby bunnies, but that doesn’t stop them from stabbing each other in the head with daggers. There’s a dramatic confrontation as the true Black Axe faces down the pretender that has assumed his mantle, with the fate of the Lockhaven and the Mouse Guard hanging in the balance. As a finale, this does not disappoint, and my one and only regret about this book is that it’s over now. I suppose I will have to console myself with the upcoming line of toys, which have a roughly 90% chance of adorable.

Adan: Alright, I noticed the first misspelled “their,” but where is the second? A re you talking about the line “There is a way into Lockhaven…,” because that’s correct grammar. Well, regardless, this final issue is, in fact, super awesome. Just for a second forget they’re tiny little mice. Forget they’re soft and cuddly. Picture Roman centurions, Celtic barbarians, or Norse vikings instead because that’s what these little bastards really are. The faux Black Axe is leading a horde of rebel mice against Lockhaven in an attempted coup. And the elite Mouse Guard are the only ones who stand in “thier” way. Well, them and a bunch of bees. Bees are awesome. Like a Dungeons & Dragons character of mine recently found out, they will sting you until either you or they die. Bees don’t fuck around. They’re balls nasty.

Laura: I see that Adan did not read the introduction on the interior cover, where the initial spelling transgression lies. Do you need a copy editor, Archaia? Seriously, I’ll help. Usually spelling and grammar mistakes make me angry, but these are so obvious that I just kinda feel sorry for you.

Ninja Tales

Laura: In the fine tradition of Cthulu Tales and Zombie Tales, BOOM brings us Ninja Tales, an anthology of stories about everyone’s favorite Japanese assassins. There are the rote, but entertaining tales of espionage and stealth in the feudal era, but also more irreverent fare, like one story where an ass-kicking Einstein catches ninja swords between his hands, and another that sees a geriatric ninja and samurai sparring from their wheelchairs in a hospital. The highlight, for me, is “Ninja School Dropout,” a snarky but extremely likeable story set in a high school for aspiring ninja, where students are prone to scrawling graffiti like “SAMURAIS SUCK” on the walls. Our protagonist, the son of a famous ninja, isn’t exactly gung-ho about his awesome heritage, and treats his classes with the same lackadaisical disinterest of high school students everywhere. Between the disappointed sighs of school administrators and a deadly rivalry with Samurai High, our protagonist would really rather be a painter. And I would really rather see this as an ongoing title—surely Henry Alonzo Myers has more stories to tell at the Ninja School for Boys, and I, for one, would love to read them.

Adan: This thing is really good. There are serious stories, there are not so serious stories, and there are flat out hilarious stories. “Desert Sun” (which features Einstein as an asskicker) and “Special Needs Ninjas!” are by far the best of the bunch. After a ninja is surprised that an old man can take him on, Einstein replies “You think I could unravel the secrets of the universe through science only?!” and then “Your ninja parlor tricks are no match for German alchemy and Egyptian xeno-math!!!” That’s right ninja, he’s going to e=mc^2 all over your ass! And the “Special Needs Ninjas!” is just hilarious. An old samurai and an old ninja trying to settle a centuries long feud in a retirement home. They get the nurses to help them roll their wheelchairs around and swing their blades at each other. Those two stories are worth the price of admission alone, but you also get a cool assassination tale as the first story and Laura’s beloved “Ninja School Dropout,” as well as two other stories that aren’t as good, but they can’t all be gems.

Silent War #1

Adan: Remember way back when, when I told you how much I loved Frazer Irving’s art (it was in a review of Seven Soldiers: Klarion that seems to not be on the site anymore)? I still do. It’s fucking fantastic (he also does Robin this week, since Klarion’s guest-starring there and all). His Inhumans are the best I’ve ever seen, especially Gorgon and Medusa, apologies to all previous Inhuman artists. You guys don’t suck; you’re just not this good. I’m also excited to see the Inhumans’ declaration of war at the end of Son of M followed up. I was certain Marvel had totally forgotten about it, what with their Civil War nonsense flaring up around them (although Hudlin did mention it in his horrible Black Panther, so, props for that, I guess). The Inhumans, who were wronged by the United States when the O*N*E took the Terrigen Mists from them in Genosha after Quicksilver stole them, decide to stage a terrorist attack in the middle of New York City. Granted, it wasn’t supposed to end with dead bodies, but you know what they say about making omelettes. They say you gotta yank the heads off some Hollywood types, that’s what.

Laura: I suppose it was inevitable that there be a reckoning for the whole “stealing the Inhumans’ sacred superpowed mist” incident, and here it is. The art is attractive, but the story doesn’t move me. Is it wrong that I don’t really care? Because I don’t really care. And if I wasn’t completely sure of that, the impractical and frankly ridiculous ending sealed the deal. Next.

Adan: Out of curiousity, what about the ending was impractical and ridiculous? I think I know what you’re talking about, but I want to make sure.

Laura: I was talking about the whole “let’s reexpose an Inhuman to superpower-endowing Terrigen Mists–just to see what happens–with no apparent security measures in place” thing. What could possibly go wrong?

Wolverine #50

Adan: Sigh. A very long and exasparated sigh. Why do I care about Wolverine and Sabretooth’s umpteenth fight to the death to end all fights to the death? Tell me, Jeph Loeb. Write me a letter or something, because you certainly didn’t show me in the book when I was reading it. I hope your little line about how Wolverine will become Sabretooth no matter what wasn’t meant to be taken literally, because that would just suck all kinds of balls. And I think you’re smart enough to know that, so here’s hoping. Even Simone Bianchi’s art, which I normally love, is subpar here. That ‘mutiple images’ thing he does when Wolverine jumps out the window kind of hurt me in my heart, as if Bianchi had done specifically to hurt me, but that’s obviously crazy talk… right? And the black and white version looks even worse, for some reason. It’s as if the coloring was actually hiding bad art instead of enhancing good art.

The one shining bit about this book is the short story in the back remixing Wolverine’s first battle with the Hulk, with Ed McGuinness on art. It’s really funny to see the Wolverine of today reminisce about the costume and dialogue of the Wolverine back then. Although, why is the Wolverine of today talking like he isn’t Canadian? Twice he says something along the lines of “Damn Canadians” like he isn’t one of them. What’s up with that?

Laura: Are you ready? I said, are you ready? Because this is it! It’s the Wolverine vs. Sabretooth fight to end all Wolverine vs. Sabretooth fights! Again! Sigh. It’s inherently ridiculous at this point, kinda like the game Final Fight 3–because if it were really so goddamn “final” we wouldn’t be doing it again, now would we?

Wolverine comes calling at the X-Mansion, where Sabretooth is now cozily housed, and throws him through a window. And it’s on! They yell the obligatory death threats, and announce that it’s finally “time to finish it.” Really! For really real! If by “finish” they mean repeat the same redundant and not particularly exciting fight they’ve been having for years, then yeah–they kinda do that. The only new twist is that suddenly Creed is a Latin scholar, and Loeb has decided to start cribbing from Ultimate X-Men for his Dramatic Plot Twists. If you really want to see the fight you’ve been waiting for, skip to the back of the book for the Ultimate Hulk vs. Wolverine story that wasn’t, remixed via a dream sequence with Wolverine’s first appearance. Otherwise, pray to your chosen deity that this whole quod sum eris thing is just a sorta lame metaphor, and not a really, really lame editorial decision.

And Others…

Adan: If you’re still in the mood for an anthology book after reading Ninja Tales, then check out Image’s Low Orbit Anthology. All the artists in this book of sci-fi and fantasy shorts are phenomenal, and most of the stories aren’t half bad either. Personally, I enjoyed “Little Medusa’s Big Day Out” the most.

Adan: There is no Cable in this issue. It’s all Deadpool, and that’s the way I like it. After the spanking Deadpool received when Cable made a fool out out of him on international TV in order to discredit the Registration Act, Deadpool’s been a man on a mission trying to prove that he actually is an awesome merc. He enlists the aid of the Taskmaster (who’s recently been humiliated by Moon Knight). This book has been pretty funny since it’s inception (though not as funny as Joe Kelly’s Deadpool or Priest’s Black Panther) and it only gets funnier without the half of the buddy movie who has a savior complex.

Laura: Although I usually enjoy the Cable/Deadpool dynamic, it’s nice to see my favorite mercenary cutting loose without his usual foil. Deadpool concocts a wonderfully harebrained scheme to regain his lost stature, which manages to prove that he is dangerous and crazy, though perhaps lacking in business acumen.

Fantastic Four #542

Adan: Reed enlists the Thinker to check his math, which predicts the future, while Johnny tries to get Ben back to the states from his sojourn in France. Okay, math that predicts the future, your sole reason for being pro-Reg, and you haven’t gotten anyone to check it yet!? What the hell’s the matter with you? You really are the dumbest genius in the world! And Thing, how can you willingly stay in France? Why not go to less obnoxious places like Spain or Italy, or head out of the Western world entirely and hit Iraq (I hear they could use the help there), India, or Malaysia. Those are all fine places to hang out (except for Iraq) while you wait for this Civil War nonsense to finish up already. Those are some of the places I’d go if I could to wait this thing out.

Laura: This is a particularly bad issue of Fantastic Four, wherein we learn that math is actually magic, and The Right Thing to Do can always be predicted by equations. I did not know that. More painfully, Reed Richards and Johnny play talking heads and rehash the same simplistic, repetitive arguments that have been repeated ad nauseum since this whole godforsaken crossover started last summer. Civil War has basically been like a six month episode of The McLaughlin Group interrupted by occasional splash pages, and I’m sick of it. Stop pretending that you’re really dealing with complicated sociopolitical issues, stop pretending that you’re a tour de force, and above all, stop pretending that you mean something, Civil War, because you don’t.

Helmet of Fate: Detective Chimp #1

Adan: MONKEYS!!! I love monkeys. I especially love detective monkeys who can talk and who dress like Sherlock Holmes (which is why I’m seemingly single-handedly making sure people read Shadowpact. Are you reading Shadowpact? ‘Cause you should be), and this one-shot showcases both of those things (I say one-shot ’cause that’s what DC says, but it’s really issue one of a five-part mini). Detective Chimp talks and solves crimes and then the Helmet of Fate finds him once again. However, the Helmet has been apparently traveling through space for the last year. No mention of Ralph Dibny and his quest to resurrect his wife that is currently going on in the pages of 52.

Laura: Detective Chimp doesn’t really want to deal with the Helmet of Fate, so he has it thrown out into space so hard that it bounces off the edge of the universe (?) and ricochets back to Earth a year later, to the precise spot where he happens to be standing at that moment, and hits him on the head. Which is the most ridiculously improbable sequence of events ever, but that just means it’s fate. And so, Detective Chimp finally accepts his destiny and dons the helmet, making a priceless “oh” face of monkey revelation as the secrets of the universe reveal themselves. Hijinks ensue.

Lady Death: Lost Souls #2

Adan: I hate to admit it, but Lady Death is not the worst comic in the world (at least this one isn’t). Yes, all the characters are fighting demons and such in clothes that could hardly be called such, but at least said clothes don’t magically disappear to reveal ample bosoms and freshly-shaved pubic areas. There is a plot (it’s not very good, but it’s there) and it’s about a bad guy named Sinner who’s trying to get some powerful artifacts by using the Seven Deadly Sins, which he created a millenia ago. Listen, that’s not important. What’s important is that while this book sucks a lot, it doesn’t suck as much as Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose. People who read Lady Death are slightly higher on the ladder than people who read Tarot. And frankly, the worst part about this book is the ridiculous amount of covers. We can’t stick to a regular number like three or four? Why do you have to always do a minimum of five? Also, if you don’t want that pesky plot to get in the way of your cheesecake, then pick up Lady Death: Warrior Temptress which features a bunch of pin-ups featuring Lady Death in various guises like Barbarian, Brave, and Mermaid, to name a few.

Laura: I’m so sorry I read this book. I barely even have the will to make fun of it. All right: there’s this guy that seems to control the seven deadly sins. His name is Sinner (yup!). Lady Death and her band of gothic hoes are fighting him in Jerusalem during the Crusades, and they all predictably fall prey to one deadly sin or another. One of the women is possessed by Lust as an excuse to lez it up, and then other things happen, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all just worthless and bad. Tarot at least is so ridiculously bad that it’s funny, but there’s nothing funny about Lady Death. A pox on you, Lady Death, and all five million of your stupid covers.

Love As A Foreign Language, Vol 6

Adan: A funny, heartwarming story about a Canadian guy lives and works in Korea, yet hates the place until he falls in love. Joel and Hana finally consumate their love (uh, metaphorically speaking) just in time to for Joel’s visa to expire and the English school to be shut down. Dun-dun-dun! But before that, Joel and Hana behave like people just falling in love always do: sweet, sappy, and ridiculously cute. If you haven’t read the previous five volumes, do yourself a favor and pick them up. They’re still widely available and super good. Plus, this volume will make more sense.

Laura: How can you consummate love metaphorically? Are they fucking each other on a spiritual plane? Regardless, this book wasn’t made available to me so I haven’t actually read it, but it sounds like it’s right up my alley. I used to teach EFL in Japan and I’m pretty sure this would resonate in a big way, and probably charm the pants off me. Metaphorically speaking.

The Spirit #2

Adan: Whoever said the Spirit could not be written by anybody besides the great Will Eisner was wrong. This is the third issue (counting Jeph Loeb’s Batman/The Spirit one-shot) in a row that has been awesome! Each issue thus far has also been self-contained, so if you haven’t read any of the other books, fret not. Pick them up later, but this is a book you have to be reading. Darwyn Cooke and J. Bone are putting together a top-notch read and if they don’t win scores of awards for this thing, somebody fucked up.

Laura: Yeah, the new Spirit gets a big thumbs up. It’s got a classic, but not antiquated feel that manages to move between slapstick humor and heartbreaking drama without ever feeling disjointed. In this issue we learn a little bit more about the sultry P’Gell, an intelligent, elegant femme fatale whose ilk we don’t see often enough in comics. Female sexuality doesn’t always have to be about wearing thongs and slutting it up, and it’s nice to see something a little classier for once, outside of the usual virgin/whore dyad that I’ve never really enjoyed.

I’d also like to take a moment and comment on the Wii advertisement in here that’s designed to look like a comic book, so that you get that split second of disorientation wondering how this 15-year-old boy and his Wii remote fit into the Spirit storyline. Memo to Nintendo: please try to have someone who was a kid sometime in the last 30 years write your copy. You’re going to look back on these ads someday with the same kind of embarrassment and chagrin I hope you now feel about that Zelda commercial from the 80s where the two suburban white kids rap about Link and encourage him to “get some.”

Star Trek The Next Generation: The Space Between #1

Adan: It’s a Star Trek comic book! Wheeee! The continuity of the book seems to be amid Season One because Tasha Yar is still alive and Worf and Geordi are still wearing Command red. The story is pretty good with a neat idea about rewritable history. Unfortunately, the art is not so good. Casey Maloney is using a style in which the characters he’s drawing only sometimes resemble the people he’s supposedly drawing from. And something’s gotta be said about the regular art cover: all five Enterprises are their, as well as Tasha, Data, and Picard. However, they’re all wearing different iterations of the Starfleet uniform, from different periods of TNG history. It makes for a cool time-travelly effect.

Laura: The Enterprise D, circa slim, clean-shaven Riker, encounters a race of completely wired people with surgical implants that instantly network them with the cumulative knowledge of their planet. Which seems like a cool idea—imagine being able to mentally access Wikipedia like a personal memory bank. Of course, other people can always edit Wikipedia, and that’s sort of where this story is going. Casey Maloney has some unusual ideas about perspective, particularly when he’s drawing faces, and I could have done without the contrived OOC moralizing on the last page. All in all, it’s a B- TNG story in comic format, but hey—it’s still TNG, and I wouldn’t change the channel if it came on Spike TV.

Ultimate Power #1 Director’s Cut

Adan: Okay, Marvel. Here’s your first language lesson: words have meanings. You can’t just say something is a Director’s Cut if you don’t know what a Director’s Cut is. Let me explain it to you: a Director’s Cut of a movie is a different cut of the the film in question. For example, the Director’s Cut of Superman II is a different version, some say vastly different, of the same film which was theatrically released 27 years ago. New footage was inserted, old footage taken out, sound effects and dialogue changed, so on and so forth. It’s not just the same movie with production notes. That’s called a DVD release with extras. So, you need to change the name of these things from Director’s Cut to DVD Extras or something before everybody finds out how inadequate your language skills really are.

Laura: I love Greg Land’s art. I really, really do. I’m almost so taken with the pretty pictures that I can forget how incredibly thin the plot is. Almost. Ultimate FF fights the Serpent Squad, a crew of scaly ladies competing to see who can wear the lowest scoop neck before their breasts fall out of their costumes. Reed feels bad that Ben is a giant rock that no one will ever love. That’s kind of the whole issue. I got to the final splash page and turned the page expecting—I don’t know, more content, some sort of explanation, a natural stopping point—only to discover it was over. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I almost wish Land had taken a cue from Lady Death and just done some sort of Ultimate FF picture book. I’d rather see pretty pictures of Sue Storm as a mermaid and Ben Grimm as a Viking warrior than have my visuals distracted by an insubstantial story that only serves to irritate me.

And Others…

Adan: Superman: Emperor Joker TP!!!! Finally, finally, finally, finally, finally! I once had a conversation with Uncle Dan about when this storyline would be traded and he said probably not during his tenure because that story was written before he was there and he didn’t care so much about it. I’m glad he was lying. Everybody needs to read this arc because there is nothing better than a psychotic lunatic getting god-like powers and re-inventing the world in his image. Buy it, read it, love it, and then buy some for your whole family so that they can do the same.

On the other hand, why must you ruin things, DC? The cover of 52 this week ruins any element of surprise one may have still had by revealing exactly who Supernova really is. You couldn’t have let us find out while reading the book, where there would probably have been more of an emotional impact? For shame, DC. For shame. Also, the final issues of the Ultimate Clone Saga in Ultimate Spider-Man and the Cable saga in Ultimate X-men were equally disappointing and stupid. Where is the once mighty Ultimate Universe that could do no wrong? Is this merely the blasted remnants that say “Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!” with the same irony that Shelley’s Ozymandias did?

Cryptics #2

Adan: This is a pretty cute and funny. It’s a couple of short stories with the Universal Monsters as kids. You got Drac, Wolfy, Sea-boy, Jackie and Hyde, and even Vinny Helsing and they’re doing kid things like playing football, going to the ice cream parlor, meeting kitty cats, and saving your friends from Limbo. You know, the normal stuff you used to do when you were a kid. I’m not usually a fan of Steve Niles, but this is good. Pick up the first issue while you’re at it. It might be funnier and it shouldn’t be that hard to find.

Laura: Wow. I wasn’t expecting this to be anything special, but it charmed the pants off me. In this issue, the motley crew of mini-monster buddies venture into the afterworld after Wolfy, who was mistakenly sent to limbo by mini-Grim Reapers that look like calaca figures. The art and the writing are perfectly matched, and they even manage to write children well (albeit monster children), which is rare in comics. It’s got a smart, silly sense of humor that’s right up my alley, and I can’t remember the last time I read something that felt this fresh. More than than anything else this book is lots and lots of fun, which I think is why we read comics so you should probably buy it.

Green Arrow #70

Adan: This is not entirely crappy for only two reasons. One: instead of the customary hero meet, fight, team-up that normally occurs in team-ups, we get a villain meet, fight, team-up. And villains fight harder. Very rarely do heroes throw grenades in each others’ faces, no matter what the misunderstanding, like the Red Hood does to Brick. Two: the two henchmen who talk about what a Native American should be referred to. It’s actually pretty funny.

Laura: For a book called Green Arrow, this contains surprisingly little Green Arrow. Instead, it contains plenty of mediocrity. Red Hood and Brick fight, and then team up. Urge to care fading… fading… gone.

Phonogram #4

Laura: The extended metaphor of music as magic goes full-blown in the this issue, as Phonomancer David Kohl ventures into the Memory Kingdom, a.k.a. his past. The time has come to confront the spirits there, and finally pay his respects to the body of Britannia, fallen goddess of his beloved Britpop. Is it pretentious? Oohh, yeah. But choke it down anyway, because there’s a delicious center inside this seemingly unbearable hipster shell. Kohl finds himself back in a dream realm of the 90s, which is chock full of satire, nostalgia, and of course, mistakes. “Memories—the only thing that always hurt,” says one character, and sure enough, walking through the graveyard of his former faith manages to wipe some of the smarm off his face. There’s a particular poignance to trying on a piece of the past—something you loved, or something you were–and finding it doesn’t fit anymore. “I could have done anything,” he says, staring around his former stomping grounds. “I chose this.” It doesn’t feel the same anymore, and probably never will again, but at one time it mattered more than anything in the world. Suddenly, his caustic quips shift almost unvoluntarily into sincerity, and that’s when you realize his heart is broken. He sounds like a man talking about a lost love he can’t let go of, and that’s because he is.

In other news, the next issue apparently features Kohl making out with himself, because that is the secret dream of every metrosexual narcissist, and probably the only way he can move on.

Adan: Well, somebody seems to be very in love with this book. I’m still diggin it, but not as much as the first three. This one seems a little too into itself, not unlike Kohl himself, I guess. Hmm, maybe that’s the point of this issue… Okay, just now, my like for this book jumped a little. I kind of wish I knew more about British rock and pop because I think I’d like to write an essay on this book when it’s done. Unfortunately, I don’t, so I won’t.

Laura: Of course I’m in love with it! You know how much I adore charismatic assholes. And excellence. Both of which this book has in spades. Also, for those of you who aren’t as well-versed in Britpop as Kieron Gillen, there is a helpful index at the back to explicate the musical references and homages.

Pirates vs. Ninjas #1

Laura: This series sets out to answer the question that has plagued mankind since time immemorial: who would win in a fight, pirates or ninjas? Usually I would say the answer is clearly ninjas, but these aren’t just your run-of-the-mill pirates. They have mystical sea powers, as well as a ancient map to a secret treasure the ninjas are determined to claim. This means, of course, that ninjas and pirates must do battle. And battle they do. The pirate/ninja fight scenes are everything you hope they’ll be, and for bonus points you even get a decent story. Immense caverns shaped like skulls! Foul-mouthed parrots! Krakens! Hang-gliding ninjas firing dragon cannons! This book has it all. I have also now said the word “ninja” so many times it has lost all meaning to me. NINJA!

Adan: Yeah, I’m sold. Sneaky ninjas with stars and daggers versus hearty pirates with cannons and swords. I’m there like eight times in a row. There’s even a t-shirt which I’m totally getting. My only beef (and further proof that I’m a huge NEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRDDDDD!) is one of geography: while the pirates clearly state they are in the South Pacific Seas before the fight, the ninjas are safely ensconced in their mountain hideaway after the fight, and Mt. Fuji is clearly visible in the background. While Japan may be in the Pacific, it’s certainly not in the south.

Star Wars: Legacy #7

Adan: So, I though this was the beginning of the second arc, but instead it’s the end of the first one, so I’m a little lost and confused. But I did get a few things. There are three factions in this Star Wars future (at least): there are the Jedi, the Sith, and the Imperials, who are somewhere in the middle of the Jedi and Sith. They hate both of them, but are willing to work with Jedi against the Sith. There is a Skywalker in this future (as there should be), but he looks and sounds more like Han than Luke. He was training to be a Jedi until his father was killed in a raid against a Jedi Temple by Sith and… Imperials? Like I said, I’m a little lost, but I do know that this is interesting enough for me to go back and figure out what I’m lost on. If you’re Star Wars fan, you’re already grabbing this. If you’re not, there’s nothing I can say to get you to read it. But you know what? I like it.

Laura: Don’t be fooled by the cover: there’s no Luke Skywalker here. This is set in the future of the future, so our protagonist is actually a Skywalker descendant by the name of Cade. Cade isn’t a very good Jedi; he’s got more than a little sithiness to him, what with the lust for vengeance and his willingness to tap into the dark side to get things done. I’ve kicked around the idea of reading Star Wars novels before, because I loved the original movies and I always wanted to hear more stories about the Jedi. Preferably ones that don’t star Hayden Christensen as a two-dimensional piece of plywood. So I like this. I’m perfectly happy to watch these stories unfold, with their cool light saber battles and intergalactic conflicts that don’t revolve around trade disputes. Star Wars fans should be reading this, but then, they probably already are.

Superman and Batman vs. Aliens and Predators #1

Laura: Wow, a book that manages to be more contrived than Pirates vs. Ninjas and Zombies vs. Robots combined. This book is ridiculous even on the comic book scale of absurdity, but c’mon–you knew that coming in. Is it hard to believe that Predators and Aliens have been secretly living in a Peruvian volcano for the last 14,000 years? Yes. Does it strain credulity that Batman devises a syntactically complex and fully functional sign language with the Predators in a matter of hours? Yes. Does it matter? No. What matters is whether or not you want to see Superman and Batman fight Aliens and Predators. You do? OK then.

Adan: This is ridiculous, but in a good way. When I was younger, I enjoyed the inter-company crossover comics more than anything else (hence my uneartly love for Amalgam, which passion burns like a thousand white hot suns). They always seemed like so much more fun. Unfortunately, there wasn’t too much fighting in this first issue (or very much Aliens, either), so I must hope that second issue has nothing but a Dynamic Duo tag team fighting scores of Aliens and being hunted by dozens of Predators.

Thunderbolts #110

Laura: So, this is what it’s come to—Bullseye is joining the Thunderbolts. I thought this team was supposed to be for former supervillains, not someone who gleefully describes throwing a popstick stick through a little boy’s eye three days previous. It’s such an obviously, colossally bad idea that the real question isn’t whether it’ll go wrong, but when, and how many people will die. We’re also treated to a toy commercial where Captain America is described as a “terrorist masked man” and Thunderbolts action figures stand triumphant over his prostrate plastic effigy. It seems the villains are the heroes now, while the heroes have become villains. Oh the irony, it is so rich, like cheesecake.

Adan: Mmmm… Cheesecake. Oh, hi!

Okay, let’s call this what it is: Marvel’s Suicide Squad without the awesome political situations. It’s a group of super-villains with very tight leashes that get full pardons for their help to the US government. The only difference is that these guys are a lot more public than the Suicide Squad ever was. Laura’s not joking, there actually is a commercial for Thunderbolts action figures in the issue. Apparently, the Marvel citizenry is perfectly okay with villains being granted presidential pardons for doing what cops are supposed to do.

Wolverine: Origins #10

Adan: Man, this book sucks! Look, major spoilers here, but why do you have to kill both Dum Dum Dugan and Jubilee in one book, Daniel Way? You’ve killed my childhood, you asshole! Jubilee joined the X-men at about the same time I started reading them, so she’s been my favorite X-man since forever, and now you’ve killed her. It wasn’t enough that she was depowered, no, we had to kill her off too. You fucking pricks! I’m gonna go back to drinking alone and wallowing in my misery, but before I do that, I have one question: why is Logan leaning on the large steel bar that is embedded in Jubilee’s abdomen. Does that asshole have no feelings!?

Laura: Jubilee might as well be Princess Peach at this point, because the only thing people seem to think she’s good for is motivating other characters to save her. What’s not bad about this book? Certainly not the boring, detail-free art, lack of any dramatic tension, painfully wooden fight scenes, or completely erratic pacing. People appear wherever and whenever it’s convenient for the plot, without any regard for logic or common sense. It all wraps up with a completely suspense-free “cliffhanger” that generally epitomizes the lameness of the book. I wish I could say that it’s so bad it’s funny, but it actually manages to fail at that too.

And Others…

Adan: Don’t let your kids read Green Lantern Corps #8 this week. I love this book a lot because it features my hero Guy quite prominently, but this issue has exactly four really, really, really gruesome deaths! They are really gruesome! There’s blood and guts brains and oh man! While the book of course has no Comics Code stamp on it (which are already really tiny anyway), there is no other way for a parent to know this is not a good comic for their five-year-old. C’mon DC, be responsible over here. This is no way to attract new readers.

Adan: This almost makes up for your crappy Batman run, Grant. Almost. We get awesome 853rd century Supermen that help Pa out with the harvest and we get Krypto too. Yeah, it’s sort of reused Grant material from the DC One Million super event a few years back, and that’s a little bit of a cop out, but the important part here is that Grant doesn’t suck. C’mon, a Chronovore? A Superman from the 5th Dimension? An unknown Superman? That’s crazy Grant hoodoo I can get behind!

Laura: Morrison finally hits a home run! Smallville gets a visit from a squad of future Supermen and a Chronovore, which etymology tells us means a time eater. And time is a pretty precious commodity when you’re Superman and you’re trying to save everyone constantly, when every single second is life or death. You may traffic with the angels, Clark, but you live on the Earth, and that means loving things that are very, very fragile. And the one thing you’ll never be able to save them from is time. Better hold on these moments while you can–and for the love of God, don’t feed them to the Chronovore.

Civil War #6

Laura: Well, thanks for finally gracing us with your presence, penultimate issue of Civil War. We’re so glad you could finally join us! This crossover should be over by now, and it’s not, and I’m the teensiest bit resentful of that. I’m not here to pump my fist in the air and tell you how the wait was so worth it, but I will say I enjoyed the stupid thing, despite all my misgivings. There are a couple pages that overlap with Punisher War Journal as Frank Castle joins up with Captain America because… well, because he’s Captain America, and lunatic or not, Frank Castle is a goddamn patriot. At which point we start the clock to see how long he can stick with the good guys before he crosses the line—hell, the man lives on the other side of the line, so probably not very long. Our rebellious heroes discover the location of the 42 Negative Zone Prison, and I’m pretty sure you know what comes next—all I’ll say is that there’s a BOOYEAH splash page waiting for at the end that all you Civil War fans are gonna love.

Adan: Meh. I’m not so excited. I think there’s some logistical problems with your BOOYEAH moment, but whatever. I’m not so sure the man is a “goddamn patriot,” but the Punisher does have his moments in this book (which are totally replayed in War Journal down below), but the real star of this issue is Captain America. He goes batshit crazy and beats up on Castle and then calls him insane. And then he proves his tactical genius against Iron Man. But again, meh. If it’s your thing, then do it to it. Me, I’m gonna go read Scalped.

Laura: Patriotism often has so very little to do with sanity. And the off-base characterization of Captain America was definitely my least favorite part of this book—this isn’t the Ultimate universe, Millar, and wishing doesn’t make it so.

Death Note v9

Adan: I’m actually rooting for Light Yagami and his Kira persona. Do you know why? Because Near and Mello are obnoxious little jerkoffs! They’re worse then L. ever was! I want Light to win just to shut those brats up. Okay, but enough about that. Let me tell you why this is still the best manga out there: while Light tries to get his dad to do something (shhh! no spoilers), he actually thinks, “At a time like this, it probably won’t be strange if I seem to panic.” That is some cold and calculating craziness! Light’s not gonna let a little thing like emotions get in the way of his master plan… Unless it’s supposed to. I’m behind you all the way, Kira.

Laura: If this is your first taste of Death Note, do yourself a favor and backtrack to Volume 1, because it’s not going to make much sense unless you do. There are a lot of “rules” and machinations and complicated plot threads already in progress, but it’ll just seem convoluted and boring because you don’t understand what’s going on. The life of honors student Light Yagami changes forever when he finds a “Death Note,” a supernatural notebook with the power to kill anyone whose name is written in its pages. Light immediately starts offing criminals by the boatload, dispensing his personal brand of justice to people he thinks deserve it, and occasionally just people who get in his way. He is known to the world at large as Kira (derived from the Japanese pronunciation of “killer.” No, really.), a force of tremendous good or evil, depending on whom you ask. Light embraces the Death Note (and his god complex) with both arms, but neither he nor the manga apologize for it. Amoral killer or savior of humanity? That’s for you to decide. There are occasional moments that don’t track and I’m not in love with the translation, but overall this is a great manga that raises interesting moral questions that are still rolling around in my brain days later. I don’t know if I’m behind you, Kira, but I’ll sure as hell keep reading you.

Fear Agent #10

Laura: Heath Huston is an alcoholic Texan, space cowboy, and alien exterminator extraordinaire. For a long time, he believed he was the last Fear Agent, but it turns out that’s not strictly true. Back on Earth for the first time since it was overrun by disgusting tentacle aliens, Heath encounters both new faces and old, and manages to alienate them all, as is his wont. Heath also finally gets his wish and reunites with his long-lost and oft-pined for love Char—but it comes with a catch, and it’s a doozy. You know that episode in the Simpsons where Bart replays the video frame by frame so he can pinpoint the precise moment when Ralph Wiggums’ heart breaks? There’s one panel that’s pretty much exactly like that. Fear Agent is usually relentless devil-may-care sci-fi action, which is slightly less relentless this issue, but you know, character development is good too.

Adan: I’ve never read this before, so I don’t know what a Fear Agent is, or why the Earth’s all fucked up. What I do know is that Heath Huston is a broken down man who needs large amounts of alcohol to cope with his life. I also know that I need to go back and read more of this because it looks and sounds pretty awesome.

Irredeemable Ant Man #4

Laura: Imagine, for a moment, that you have the powers of Ant-Man. What would you do with them? Would you shrink down and spy on hot women in the changing room? Make ants race each other for your amusement? Eric O’Grady would. And that’s why he’s so much fun to watch. Whether he’s stealing the Ant-Man armor or trying to bang his dead best friend’s girl on his dead best friend’s grave, O’Grady is an irredeemable asshole. If you’re tired of watching superheroes try to do The Right Thing all the time, he’s your man. He wouldn’t know The Right Thing To Do unless it either punched him in the face or tried to sleep with him.

Adan: See, this whole asshole angle was cool in the first and second issues because I thought he might still be a hero (like Guy), but it turns out Eric O’Grady’s just an asshole. He spies on women, he sleeps around, he dumps on the memory of his best friend every chance he gets, and, oh yeah, he’s a liar and a thief. At least one can’t say there was any false advertising here: this Ant-Man really is irredeemable. And that’s why I’m done with this book.

Midnighter #3

Adan: Let’s recap, shall we? The Midnighter has been sent back in time to kill Hitler before he becomes a genocidal maniac by an equally maniacal man, albeit less genocidal, during World War I, when Hitler was a corporal in the German army. Unfortunately for the Midnighter, the Temporal Police Department has shown up and is trying to keep the timeline intact. What’s a man with a mission to do? Kick the Temporal Police Department’s ass, of course. In true Midnighter fashion, he gets in not one, not two, but three different scrapes with these guys, and it’s pure fun just watching these guys get their asses handed to them by the Midnighter. Ah, fun.

Laura: The time police aren’t very happy with Midnighter, and they apprise him of this fact by trying to wipe the floor with him, and nearly succeeding. He faces off with their leader, Sergeant Bonnie, who turns out to be quite a firecracker, and even looks kind of like a real person rather than a swimsuit model with breasts the size of cantelopes. It’s really sad how notable that is, but anyway. The whole thing is over-the-top Ennis craziness, with people shooting tanks and talking shit, and it’s all pretty ridiculous, but not unamusing. Worth your $2.99? Only you can decide.

Punisher War Journal #2

Adan: Remember all that stuff I said up in Civil War #6? Just pretend I’m repeating down here because it’s the same goddman book! Except of course for the botched timeline. So does Frank have enough time to break into the Baxter Building after getting the black box suit from Clarke like it happens in the main book, or does he go straight to pissing off Cap and getting thrown off the team like in here? Who even cares? It’s like no one pays any goddamn attention to me when I say Marvel needs better editors.

Laura: Issue #1 of War Journal gets reprinted this week, and you should probably buy that instead, because it was awesome. Issue #2 falls off a little bit and cribs a bunch of pages from Civil War #6, but it’s still one of the better Civil War titles. Although at this point, that isn’t saying much.

Scalped #1

Adan: Well, yee-hah! Meet my new favorite Vertigo book! Every other word is a curse word and Dashiell Bad Horse is a bad motherfuckin’ hombre. This is the second book by Jason Aaron (the first being the Vietnam war book The Other Side, also on sale this week) and he’s continuing to prove his capability and awesomeness. There’s an ad in every Vertigo book with a quote by the Washington Examiner that says, “Vertigo Comics is by far the HBO of the comic-book [sic] world,” and they’re right. Jason Aaron is making sure of that with his tale of the politics and crime syndicate of the Prairie Rose Indian Reservation, and one man who’s come to fuck that shit up. Oh, I love you, Vertigo! I love you with all my itty, bitty heart.

Laura: The nice thing about being a Native American character is that you can have an awesome name like “Bad Horse” and it’s completely legit. And boy, does Dashiell Bad Horse want us to know just how bad he is. He sneers, he kicks ass, and I turn the pages disinterestedly until I get to the back cover. I have no love for you, Scalped. You’ve got a lot of posturing, potty mouth, and so far, not much else to recommend you. Yeah, Vertigo’s really good, so save your money for a book that makes you remember that. American Virgin #10 out today! Just saying.

Adan: American Virgin? You mean that pussy that can’t decide whether or not he actually loves God? Fuck that guy. At least Dash has no qualms about what he’s doing and why he’s doing it (that I can tell; it is only the first issue, after all).

Laura: Yeah, because heaven forbid someone question his beliefs, or how he’s been taught to think. Guys like Light Yagami, though, they’re all right with you? You have a really weird system of values. Also, come back and talk to me after you’ve read Head, which I know you haven’t.

Adan: Oh, I read it, and it still sucks. This idiot kid reminds me of every hypocritical jackass on television telling me how to love God and then doing a line of coke off a transsexual hooker’s cock when the cameras are off. Fuck you Adam Chamberlain, and fuck your retarded story about giving up on God because you think His plan no longer makes sense.

…but how about that Becky Cloonan, hey? She’s a hottie.

Adan: Helen is a right cunt! I’ve hated Helen of Troy since I first read the Iliad all those years ago and it seems Eric Shanower’s got the right characterization here: a vain, selfish, bitchy whore. Unlike such literary luminaries as Edgar Allan Poe and Hilda Doolittle, who seemed to just love Helen to pieces, Shanower knows what’s up. And what’s up is that Helen is a right cunt. Shanower also spins a mean Trojan War yarn. Yeah, the gods are missing and we’re not actually at the war yet, but it’s still really freaking good. Trust me, you’ll love it. The first two trades are out already and you can order back issues from Shanower himself, so you really have no excuse not to try this book out.

Laura: A vain, selfish, bitchy whore? Harsh, Adan. In fairness, though, whores do it for the money, which as an ardent capitalist I thought you’d appreciate. Helen, on the other hand, does it because she gets off on the attention. She’s not a bad person so much as she’s an emotional child in a pretty package that everyone treats like a commodity, which is kind of sad. Yes, everyone is going to die because daddy didn’t love her her enough or something, but that’s only partly her fault. Regardless, the Iliad is one of the greatest stories of all time, and Shanower’s doing it up right–buy the trades first, but by all means start reading.

Adan: I do like that whores do it for the money; I don’t like when they mask doing it for the money as doing it for love.

Laura: What about whores that are doing it because they love money? They cool?

Adan: They’re cool. It’s the deceit I’m not down with.

Battlestar Galactica: Zarek #1

Adan: So Tom Zarek’s a big old Commie, what with his labor movements and his book burning. We all knew he was a manipulative asshole from watching the show, but now, his origin story reveals that he’s a Commie born from Commie parents on a Commie planet. Listen, I’m not saying having your population reduced to a slave workforce shouldn’t piss you off, but why is it the first thing you all turn to is Communism? You don’t think there’s anything better out there for you? I know the Dictatorship of the Proletariat spiel sounds nice on paper, but it’s only going to lead to heartbreak and about sixty million deaths. Use that big brain of yours and think up a better solution. Actually, you probably already did and it involves you as supreme ruler, doesn’t it?

Laura: What the hell are you talking about? There’s nothing about Communism in this book. Zarek and his family are laborers on Sagittaron, part of a workforce only recently liberated from slavery, and yeah, they form a labor union and commit some civil disobedience. It’s probably what you’d do in their shoes, and it doesn’t make them “commies.” What does the world look like through Adan-colored glasses, anyway? Is everyone faintly tinged in red and wearing Che Guevara shirts? Calm down, comrade. These aren’t the communists you’re looking for. And although the writing is largely expository and has a couple weak patches, I’m a little fascinated by the backstory of one of the more enigmatic BSG characters. I’ll be back for issue two. Maybe you will too?

Adan: “Zarek and his family are laborers on Sagittaron, part of a workforce only recently liberated from slavery, and yeah, they form a labor union and commit some civil disobedience.” How does that not scream commie to you? Are you a sympathizer? Oh, what I wouldn’t give to resurrect Tailgunner Joe McCarthy and let him go medieval on your ass. And if you looked through Adan-colored glasses, you wouldn’t see shit because those glasses would be pretty opaque.

Laura: A while back you were conflating anarchism and communism, and now it’s unions. What do you think communism means, exactly? Also did… did you really just summon the spirit of Joe McCarthy to “go medieval on [my] ass”? Did that just happen?

Adan: Yeah that happened because you totally deserve it. And what do you mean unions aren’t communist. Collective bargaining instead of raises based on personal merit? That’s bullshit. And Communist. Collective is in the fucking name, for Christ’s sake. Next, unions will be requiring you to make five-year plans.

Laura: I think this is where my “no arguing with crazy people and/or devil’s advocates” rule kicks in.

Adan: You should probably have quit arguing, and really this entire column, a long time ago then. The crazy doesn’t ever stop here.

Boys #6

Adan: The last issue of the first storyarc and it was kind of a letdown. This issue is the weakest so far as Teenage Kix go up against the Boys in a knock-down, drag-ouf fight… Okay, listen, the Teenagers get their asses Kixed, okay? You knew that was gonna happen, I knew it, Laura knew it, hell, even my mom knew it and she doesn’t even read the book. The Boys show ‘em what’s what, but something doesn’t quite go as planned. Oh, and it turns out the Boys are pro-registration. Who woulda thunk that a WildStorm book was even following Marvel politics?

Laura: The Boys and I had a bit of a falling out a few issues back, beginning with scene where Starlight was forced to orally service the male members of The Seven in order to join the team, and ending with the totally out of control gangbang. Go back and read what I just wrote and contemplate how much that sounds like the plot to a porno. Anyway, a lot of people’s faces get turned into red mist, and Garth Ennis still hates superheroes, but the writing is so solid that I might just be back on board. And the story behind the hamster on the cover is fairly hilarious to me, probably because I find sexual deviance a lot more amusing than sexual abuse and exploitation. But then, that’s me.

Hedge Knight HC

Laura: I wouldn’t say that I’m particularly into fantasy, but man am I ever into George R. R. Martin. His Song of Ice and Fire series is so goddamn good that I compulsively give away copies of the first book, Game of Thrones. It’s like handing out free samples of crack—pretty much everyone gets hooked. Hedge Knight is a prequel that takes place about a hundred years before the events of the series, but there are still some familiar names from the rich and complex history that permeates the novels. I’m not going to pretend I’m objective—I have an enormous hard-on for GRRM, and I can’t seem to get enough of him, so of course I’m gonna be first in line to buy Hedge Knight. It’s an entertaining story that can easily be read on its own merits, but if you like it even a little bit go out and buy Game of Thrones, as the novels are exponentially better. Remember, books without pictures: also your friends. You’re welcome in advance.

Adan: Okay, I’ve never read a George Martin book ever, right? This was my first exposure to Martin, and it was pretty good. I like this Hedge Knight and how he feels more like a common man than a knight proper. My only problem with this trade is, and I don’t know if it actually was an adapted short story, but it definitely felt like one. There is this narration throughout the work that has the uncanny ability to basically describe what I’m already seeing and tell me that someone is going to speak, right before a speech balloon comes from him. The adapter of this work (if there is an adapter), didn’t do a very good job. If there isn’t an adapter, then Martin just doesn’t know how comics work. But again, the story was good. I just wish it had conformed more to comic book technique or method.

Justice League of America #5

Adan: Oh c’mon! Is Solomon Grundy actually wearing fucking Armani!? Listen kids, I also remember how good Brad Meltzer was (Archer’s Quest is still an amazing storyarc), but he’s blowing this JLA thing like he blew the ending to Identity Crisis: really hard. I can’t decide what’s worse: Batman thanking Hal Jordan for making him a green microscope (thanking him!? are you out of your goddamn mind!?) or Arsenal looking up at Hawkgirl and saying “Pretty Bird” the very next page. See, he’s like Ollie now because Ollie used to call the Black Canary “Pretty Bird” all of the time. So now, we’re foreshadowing some kind of romantic situation with Roy and Kendra. And for fuck’s sake! The man’s name is John, not fucking Reddy! He’s not a goddamn teddy bear!*

Laura: Hey, you’re the one that wanted to do JLA this week instead of Astonishing. Astonishing was actually good this time around, while JLA is still boring and lame, non-shocker. Much is made of “Reddy’s” humanity and whether or not it’s “worth it,” which I can assure you this book is not. Next.

Adan: Well, we’re not just supposed to review the books you love every month. If we did that, this column would get real boring real fast. But since you brought it up… I don’t understand people’s love of Astonishing. I definitely do not believe Whedon and Cassaday to be the Fourth Coming (the First being Lee and Kirby, the second being Claremont and Byrne circa 1980, and the Third being Morrison, et al.) Cassaday’s an excellent artist, but Whedon does not match him in quality. He has excellent moments (like Colussus’ “joke” in this issue) that are really freakin’ good, but these moments do not add up to a great arc, nor even a great issue. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like Whedon’s as bad as Carey, or Claremont circa Now, but he’s also not great. He’s merely another serviceable X-men writer in a long line of serviceable X-men writers. The only reason history will remember Joss Whedon on the X-men is because he was already famous.

Laura: Do you honestly think I need a lecture on how we don’t just review books that we like? How many times have I picked books specifically to hate on them? My problem with JLA isn’t just that it’s bad, but that it’s boring. It sucks today exactly the same way it sucked the last time we reviewed it. Astonishing, on the other hand, wasn’t very good last month, but the new issue actually made me excited again for the final arc, and that’s not boring. Just saying.

Adan: Settle down there, Fabulous Moolah! Ain’t no one trying to pick a fight with you (except me up in the BSG thread). I was merely re-iterating our policy. But if you feel so strongly, go ahead and review Astonishing, like I did.

Laura: 1) I don’t know what you’re on about with this “Fabulous Moolah” thing. 2) You were, in fact, trying to pick a fight with me–a statement which is true usually, and also presently. 3) You didn’t review this issue of Astonishing. You did a comparative analysis of X-Men writers and then hated on Whedon generally. 4) Your mom.

Adan: 1) the Fabulous Moolah is an old-timey female wrestler. 2) I was not. 3) You’re right, I did, but at least I did it well. 4) My mother’s a goddamn saint!

Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane #13

Laura: I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m pretty sure this book could be a gateway drug. Buy the book, or better yet the digests (Digest #2 out this week) and give them to your sister. Give them to your girlfriend. Give them to your mom. And after they fall in love, it’s only a hop, skip and a jump to Ultimate Spider-Man, and then you’re sharing a hobby. Added bonus: if your masculinity is too fragile to buy SM<3MJ on your own, you can keep reading it and just blame the ladies in your life. And you do want to read it. This issue, you get to see a 16 year old girl write the dialogue for a Spidey vs. Sandman fight, which is priceless. It's all funny, charming, and surprisingly well-done. I dare you not to like this book.

Adan: Oh man, this book rocks my meerkats! I need to read it all the time! It’s like shoujo, only with Spider-Man! Gwen and Peter are together, but MJ likes Peter, but she can’t tell him because she and Gwen are totally friends. Plus, there’s this Spider-Man guy who MJ totally has a crush on, and like, oh my God! Okay, I kind of girlied out there for a second, but this book’s actually really good. The best part of the book is when Gwen is recounting a Spider-Man run-in to MJ and it’s actually Gwen telling MJ what happened, word balloons and everything. It’s not just a flashback, it’s a flashback through the filter of the person recounting the incident. Why doesn’t every single writer do this? It’s a great narrative technique… like, totally.

What If? X-Men: Age of Apocalypse #1

Adan: Meh… not so bad. I though they were gonna crap all over X-man (see, X-man was the very first comic I collected from issue number one until its cancellation, so he holds a special place in my heart). Instead, they actually wrote him like they were supposed to: brash, headstrong, arrogant, impulsive,… I could continue showing off my brand new thesaurus, but instead I’ll tell you this is actually pretty good. And it warms my heart to see Cap carrying around Mjolnir like he was born to it. But then I saw Logan’s hair. Ew. Listen, I know you’re in a post-apocalyptic world fighting for your survival on a daily basis, but surely you can find the time to go to a barber, man?

Laura: Yeah, this Wolverine is the best there is at what he does, if what he does is grow hair that makes him look like a flying nun. With a proper running start, I’m pretty sure he could hangglide. I have no patience for this book, with its two dimensional characters and predictable one-liners. Just when everyone is about to march into Apocalypse’s version of Mordor, The Thing passes a street sign and realizes he’s on Yancy Street, which is approximately when I checked out and completely gave up on the current What If? books. What If? is such a great concept, and yet somehow they’ve managed to screw it up by consistently churning out one-shots that read like mediocre fanfiction. Thanks, Marvel–another beloved book from my childhood ruined.

X-Men #194

Adan: A slightly better start than Carey’s first arc, but not by much. While I do enjoy the interplay between Rogue’s crazy ass team of heroes and villains (Iceman, Cannonball, Omega Sentinel, Cable, Rogue, Sabretooth, Mystique, and Lady Mastermind), I’m still not convinced that Humberto Ramos belongs on a super-hero book that isn’t supposed to be funny all the time. It’s too cartoony and the story loses some of its dramatic resonance, although the writing isn’t really helping much, is it?

Laura: So let’s review—the writing is bad, the art is mismatched at best, and I still can’t read a single goddamn X-Men book besides Astonishing without constantly rolling my eyes. This is unacceptable, people. Also unacceptable—Lady Mastermind’s costume. I don’t know what kind of magical Shi’ar body tape she’s using to hold that thing together, but there’s no way she wouldn’t be constantly falling out of what I will generously describe as a top. And don’t think I didn’t catch that part where Rogue threatens to rip her clothes off, ostensibly to scold her. The X-Men got me into comics, and they’ll always be special to me, which is why I pick up an issue every four or five months just to see if it’s still sucking. And yeah, it’s still sucking. Check you in April, X-Men. Try really hard to stop blowing between now and then, ok?

*Can you tell he hates this book a lot?

Laura: Sometimes wars are won by the people who are willing to get their hands the dirtiest, and we already know that Tony Stark and the pro-regs are willing to get in bed with the bad boys to achieve their ends. This time around Tony is courting an incarcerated Kingpin, who starts angling for freedom in exchange for taking down Cap and company. Like most of Civil War, this is a reasonably good book that flirts with mediocrity, tries to make you ponder deep questions with limited success, and pulls out a few surprises in the end that you kiiiind of believe. Whatever. I just like seeing Tony Stark getting shanked with a shiv of irony. You got out-douched by whom?

Adan: The best Civil War book so far features little war and even less civility. The Kingpin of Crime throws his considerable weight into the proceedings and he picks a side. The Enforcers, Hammerhead, Underworld, and a bunch of other villains and criminals maneuver their way around the warring heroes, trying to find an in or an out, depending on their point of view. And Turk, Daredevil’s punching bag for years, gets to narrate the story and we get a moment into his personal life, something I don’t think has ever done before. Way to go, Frank Tieri.

Fables #56

Adan: Well look at that. The most heartwarming Christmas story this year comes not from either of the Big Two’s ridiculously stupid specials, but from Bill Willingham, Mark Buckingham, and their cast of Fables. This issue does not focus on Santa Claus as I originally thought, but instead the wolf cub named Ambrose and the Fable he was named after, Flycatcher. If you read the 1001 Nights of Snowfall HC (and you should have, ’cause it’s freaking great), you know how sad the Flycatcher’s story is. It gets sadder here. Read it, but have a hanky nearby.

Laura: Ever wondered how Santa manages to deliver presents to millions of houses in a single night? ‘Cause that never made sense to me when I was a kid. Well, Santa (who is actually a Fable, of course) finally answers the question to my satisfaction in this issue, which features the charming holiday festivities of the Wolf family, and yes, Flycatcher, who reminds us exactly how hard the holidays can be on broken hearts.

Lone Ranger #3

Laura: Just when I thought Jonah Hex was the best Western comic on the shelves, along comes the Lone Ranger. It’s as rough and flinty as any good western should be, but it’s also freakin’ gorgeous. The dust, the blood, and the sweeping western landscapes are stunningly rendered by Sergio Cariello, and even better, it’s one of those rare books whose writing is just as excellent as its art. In this issue Julius Bartholomew shows us how bad the bad guys can be with a series of monstrous acts that leave you aching for justice, just like any good revenge tale should. Hi ho, Lone Ranger. I’m with you all the way.

Adan: Westerns are a guilty pleasure of mine. I have this thing for rough and ready men who do what needs doing when it needs doing, society be damned (in fact, I just recently crowed about Jonah Hex). The Wild West was a wild time, make no mistake about it. And these men, they weren’t heroes like the guys in tights. They were just men. The Lone Ranger is one such man, and Tonto is another. And these guys do what needs doing when it needs doing. And Julius Bartholomew is a bad fucking hombre with seemingly no mercy or remorse whatsoever. That guy needs taking down like I need free comics: fucking badly.

Laura: You have a thing for rough and ready men? Who do what needs doing? Man, you’re practically writing the Brokeback jokes yourself.

Adan: Hey, I’d do Jake Gyllenhaal. He’s no Brad Pitt, but I’d do him.

Laura: Word.

Maintenance #1

Adan: Two janitors work for a company that caters exclusively to criminal masterminds. And then hilarity ensues…. a lot of hilarity. This is the funniest book I’ve read this entire year (except the Franklin Richards book, perhaps). I laughed out loud at least eight times following the adventures of Manny and Doug, and it’s only the first issue. So buy this excellent book by the fine folks at Oni (responsible for other great things like Queen & Country), and read it after Fables for a quick pick-me-up.

Laura: Between the cartoony, slightly absurd art and the batshit, non-sequitur sense of humor, this is the closest I’ve ever seen a comic book get to a Lucasarts adventure game. Manny and Doug play it fairly straight for the first few pages, until one of them makes an offhand reference to the carnivorous zombie kitten they still haven’t gotten out of the vending machine. That, as they say, is when you know. Just do yourself a favor and buy it, ok?

New Avengers: Illuminati #1

Laura: As we learned in the last Illuminati, Charles Xavier, Reed Richards, Tony Stark, Dr. Strange, Namor, and Black Bolt were all part of a secret cabal influencing events throughout the Marvel Universe. So what exactly have they done, besides shoot the Hulk into space? Brian Michael Bendis is so glad you asked, as that’s what this whole miniseries is about. The Illuminati venture into space in the wake of the Kree-Skrull War to lay down the law about bringing alien battles into Earth’s backyard, with somewhat explosive results. Bendis continues to rekindle my love for him, and manages to make me feel a brief affection even for Namor, Asshole of the Deep. If you only read one Civil War title this month, it should be none of them. And you should read this instead.

Adan: Yeah, and maybe if you kiss Bendis, he’ll become a handsome prince like the Flycatcher. But seriously folks, this book actually is good, even if Tony Stark spends most of it naked. At least his junk is covered by shadows and such, unlike poor Peter Parker. That man gets no respect. It’s kind of cool to see this grouping of intelligence and power work as a team. I’m interested in seeing more of these guys, although I do have one question: why does Namor go up into space in only his undies? Put some pants on, man!

Punisher #42

Adan: The final issue of the “Man of Stone” storyarc ends not with Castle’s final meeting with General Zakharov, the Man of Stone, but with his final meeting with that weasily son-of-a-bitch Rawlins. I don’t have to tell you because you know exactly how this is going to end, but the real gem in this issue is Castle’s conversation with his SAS friend Lt. Col. Mitchell. It reveals some stuff about Castle’s character. Who he is as a man, and that’s really good. Also, and I don’t know if this is the same for anybody else, but in the MAX title, I find it very difficult to refer to Castle as “the Punisher.” In the MAX book, he’s Frank Castle, not some guy with a ridiculous super-hero name. Castle isn’t a hero, after all; he’s a cowboy.

Laura: I’ll be honest: I’ve had my problems with Garth Ennis recently. Largely because I feel like he does terrible, ugly things purely for the sake of it, and with such glee that “sadism” and even nastier words spring to mind. But what feels utterly gratuitous in The Boys actually makes sense here. After all, Frank Castle doesn’t do terrible, ugly things just for the sake of it. He does them because they need to be done, and because no one on the side of the angels is terrible or ugly enough to do them. This is book Ennis was meant to write, and the way Frank Castle was meant to be written. And yeah, Rawlins goes down, and it isn’t pretty, but then, it isn’t supposed to be.

Union Jack #4

Adan: The final issue of the mini actually wowed me. Previously in the mini, I was enjoying the focus on international heroes (one gets so tired of the Americans after awhile), and the super-heroics they can pull while repelling terrorist attacks. But that’s all it was, the international Avengers (although the meetings between Sabra, the Israeli hero, and the Arabian Knight, the Saudi hero, were super good). And this last issue gets all political and makes veiled references to the current British administration (as well as our own here in the States) and all of a sudden, this isn’t just a regular super-hero book. This is political commentary.

Laura: I think “wow” is maybe too strong a verb for this book. I’m leaning more towards an absence of disappointment than an excess of enjoyment. There are some political and class issues brought to the forefront in a way that’s not totally heavy-handed, at least until the perhaps inevitable foray into speechifying that caps off the final pages. Still, it’s a fun ride and probably worth the $2.99 admission.

Wasteland #5

Adan: The Big Wet, the name for whatever fucked up the world, has left it barren, a wasteland. Zombie-like creatures roam the deserts looking for stragglers to eat and what few cities there are, are run by megalomaniacal, self-proclaimed messiahs. Sunners, men and women who still worship Mother Sun, are marginalized and enslaved. This is another really great series by Oni Press. Unfortunately, this is a horrible issue to start with. Luckily, Oni trades its stuff in a timely manner, so you should get the first trade as soon as it comes out and read about this post-apocalyptic world.

Laura: Reading this book felt a lot like playing Wasteland: the Playstation 2 game. Seriously, if this issue is any indication, the series would make a pretty great shooter. Sand people start popping up left and right, and lo, there is many a head shot. This issue made me long for banthas. And sniper rifles. And the first four issues. Looks like I’m not getting anything on that wish list, though, so I’ll wait for the trade with the rest of you.

Y – The Last Man #52

Laura: In the opening pages of this issue, Dr. Matsumori confesses that he has always been afraid of women. And in light of the gendercide creating an entire world composed only of women, he has decided to give up entirely. To cash out on behalf of the male gender, kill himself and Yorick, and run away from all the women instead of learning how to live with them. It’s the refrain of every broken and terrified (heterosexual) heart in the world: women and men ain’t ever gonna get along, so why not just say the hell with the opposite sex? Yorick Brown knows the answer: Because the only way men and women—the only way people get through this world is together, no matter how hard that is sometimes. “So why don’t you stop being such a pussy,” he asks Matsumori, “and man the fuck up?” Damn. Consider this your Bar Mitzvah, Yorick Brown, because today, you truly are a man.

Adan: For a book predicated on only one human male left on the planet, there certainly are a lot of dudes around. It’s almost a sausage fest over here. I kid, I kid. As well as being the most handsome man in comics, BKV also writes some damn good books. This the end of the “Motherland” storyarc, and while most of it is super-great, I can’t figure out why Hero, Beth (with Yorick’s little girl), Natalya, and Ciba (with a baby BOY!) are hanging around a busy French dock talking about the Last Man like it’s yesterday’s fucking news. If the Israeli army is coming after you because you’re gonna lead them to Yorick, maybe you should shut the fuck up lest you give yourselves away. I’m just saying.

Blank Vol. 1

Laura: Fans, prepare to be serviced. Your waitress this evening will be Aki Clark, a schoolgirl and martial arts enthusiast, whose underwear you will come to know well. The eponymous Blank, on the other hand, is a rogueish, sex-crazed amnesiac, who might be a secret agent sent to protect Aki from a nefarious plot involving her scientist father. Or, he might just be trying to get in her pants. The book gets four out of five Happosais on the lecher-o-meter; gratuitous panty shots abound, and I’m pretty sure high school girls don’t actually grab each other’s boobs as a form of greeting in any reality. Still, there’s more to it than updrafts and grab-assing. Like action, espionage, romance, intrigue, and… ok, more panty shots. But don’t lie to me—you know you enjoy it, and at least it comes wrapped up in an amusing story. You know, if you need to justify it to yourself. Kinda like reading Playboy “for the articles.”

Adan: “Goddamn you half-Japanese girls, you do it to me every time.” And of course this girl is half-Japanese. Who cares that it has sweet fuck-all to do with the story. And what a story! There’s this secret agent, right, but he’s got amnesia that makes him all pervy, and there’s this terrorist organization, and a super awesome Death Ray of Death!!! Holy crap does it suck! I love you Pop Mhan, but you did the high school spy stuff better when Peter David was writing back in your SpyBoy days (pick that up instead of this). The best part of this is Pop Mhan’s caricature of his working habits while writing and drawing this nonsense all the way in the back. Apparently, he drew a lot of boobs and played a lot of video games. It shows Pop, it shows.

Bucky O’Hare and the Toad Menace GN

Adan: This book is pretty funny, but only if you’re from the Eighties. If you were born and raised in the Eighties, but then moved to the Nineties (like me), you should also find this funny, but not as much. Toads that are all militant because of an military-industrial computer named KOMPLEX (no, really) and the United Animals Security Council convening for five years (five years!? what are you, Ents?) before finally deciding to get a fleet together to stop the Toad Menace are pretty funny, right? Ignoring the ridiculous premise, this flashback isn’t actually half-bad. I honestly was guffawing heartily in spots. I really wish that Willy kid didn’t show up, though. I could have done without the reminder that there was a point in our history when every sci-fi or fantasy story just had to have a ten-year-old kid that was accidentally transported to the awesome world. Those stupid ten-year-olds always made the world less awesome just by breathing.

Laura: Bucky O’Hare, I’m just not that into you. Not your gigantic anime eyes, or your cutesy pun-laden banter, or your sexy animal ladies. Sure, there are lots of exciting space battles in the war between the anthropomorphic mammals and the anthropomorphic toads, but the dense, sometimes impenetrable art had me squinting at most of those scenes like some kind of magic eye, which did not explode into three dimensions, but rather two crappy ones. Just go get the video game instead; Bucky O’Hare was an incredible platformer, and one of the unsung all-time classics of the NES. Plus, the graphics are better.

DCU Infinite Holiday Special

Laura: I thought they were going to call this the Infinite Christmas Special, which is an awesome name, but there’s a story about Batwoman and her Holocaust menorah and I guess that wouldn’t have been very inclusive. Oh well! Your favorite DC heroes and teams either learn to believe in holiday miracles or dispense them to others, so get ready for heart-warming, credulity-straining, spirit-of-Christmas-affirming tales from one and all. It’s pretty hit or miss, but the two real winners are Shadowpact taking on the Anti-Christmas League, and the absolutely priceless final story where Superman and Batman save Christmas. Really, it’s all worth it for the picture on the final page, where Dan Didio appears in what looks like his pajamas and raises a deformed glass of ensorcelled champagne towards the reader. Drinking is a holiday message that I can really get behind, so I appreciate that. Slainte!

Adan: Let me tell you what the real meaning of Christmas is (filtered through the lens of DC, of course): Supergirl can be a cunt as long as there is an upside to her cuntishness. That’s it, that’s it right there, the real meaning of Christmas. Laura’s right, by the way, those two stories are freaking awesome, but everything else in this anthology blows. Don’t get me started on the SHAZAM story (which makes no sense, by the way), or the fact that, apparently, Hector Hammond is gay for Hal Jordan. Gay as the day is long. I’ll stick to the “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” again this year, DC, but thanks for trying. P.S. Dan Didio doesn’t look that creepy in real life, I swear. P.P.S. I don’t know what “slainte” means, either.

Laura: That is because you are Mexican and not Irish. And the answer is “cheers.” It’s all right–the only thing I understand when you speak Spanish is “no.”

Exiles Annual #1

Adan: There’s something weird about Tom Raney. Sometimes, his art looks abominable; but at other times, it’s fucking fantastic! And this time, this time it is fucking fantastic! The story’s okay (two super teams have a misunderstanding and fight before teaming up and taking out the real villain… with a twist! they’re actually the same team!), but who cares? Tom Raney is fucking fantastic today! Also, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only guy who fantasized about two Blinks at the same time. With Nocturne in there as well, it’s almost perfect. Throw in Sunfire again, and I could read this book all night.

Laura: Everything you need to know about this book is summed up by who’s headlining the fight: Classic Exiles vs. New Exiles! Ever wondered who would win if they went head to head? Well, you’re not the only one. Someone else is so interested in how that bout would turn out that he’s willing to orchestrate it. Someone named…. Tony Bedard? Well, yes. But also, someone named… the Timebroker. Dun dun DUN!

Gargoyles #2

Adan: It’s like watching my favorite after school cartoon all over again! I’m sure having creator Greg Weisman write the book is the reason this feels so good, but man! It really feels good! Everyone’s here and they’re exactly like I remember them. Even that Vinny kid who kept getting accidentally shafted by the Gargoyles is here and I can just hear his Brooklyn accent come right through the page. Oh man, it’s like being a kid again! This is what Bucky O’Hare should have made me feel but didn’t. All you Gargoyles fans, read this immediately. All you non-Gargoyles fans, go buy the DVDs and become fans already, ’cause this series is great!

Laura: Reading Gargoyles, the comic, is exactly like watching an episode of the cartoon. Exactly like it. The only thing missing is the mood music, but the good news is that I can still hear Commander Riker in my head every time Xanatos talks. Of course, I never actually paid money to watch the cartoon, and I’m not 100% percent sure I’d pay money for the comic. It’s kind of like running into an old friend you haven’t spoken to in years. Sure, you exchange numbers and say you’re going to hang out, but you know you’re never really going to call them. Honestly, it really was good to see you guys (especially you, Hudson), but don’t wait by the phone.

Sandman Mystery Theater #1

Adan: I’m not sure about this book yet. This first issue was pretty confusing and I’m not sure what’s really going down. Wesley Dodds and Dian Belmont make an appearance, but they’re not the focus of the story, which, frankly, seems anathema in a Sandman Mystery Theater book. John Ney Reiber’s laying down some pretty heavy war metaphors and themes that I’m finding difficult to pick up. Maybe it would be easier to get this if I wasn’t so, you know, confused. It’s like I got shot in the face with the Sandman’s gas instead of the villains. I’ll read the second issue, but if this fog doesn’t clear up, then I’m done.

Laura: Yeah, it’s not so much that I don’t know what’s going on here as I don’t know what it means. The writing is solid, but it’s a lot more atmosphere than substance. We have all these heavy scenes that are obviously supposed to be rich with implication, but it’s not really clear what they’re implying. Nobody wants to get hit over the head with a Mallet of Meaning, but you gotta give us a little more here, Reiber. Evoking concepts and feelings is all well and good, but now and then maybe you should consider saying things with, you know, words.

Wonder Man #1

Laura: The superhero as celebrity in a media-saturated culture has been done before, but I never mind seeing it done right. It remains to be seen if Wonder Man fits the bill. Problem number one: I really don’t buy Ladykiller. She looks like a slinky ninja/reaper with her skin-tight leather, awesome weapons tech and slick hand-to-hand combat, but she’s also so FERAL with animal RAGE that she can only vocalize in gutteral sounds. And yet, still applies her eyeliner so precisely. Wonder Man has faced the berserker rage of Wolverine, but this ninety-pound girl and her scary growling throws him off his game? That’s all full of crap, but all right. I like you a lot, Peter David, and sometimes you rock my socks off, but I’m not sure who’s writing this book: is it the Peter David who writes X-Factor, or the Peter David who writes Friendly Neighborhood? We’re all hoping for the former. Better bring your A-game next month, though, because that’s all the patience I’ve got.

Adan: I looked at the cover of this book, and I threw up on my shirt. Then I opened the book and threw up all over my pants. Why the fuck are these lines and colors making me sick? Who are you Andrew Currie? Are you some Bond villain with a new scheme to take over the world with your horrible lines and colors (I will NOT call it art)? Oh man, I’m getting kind of sick just thinking about it again. Peter David, you’re not helping. Your words are trying to make sense, but they don’t. “Ladykiller?” Is she a lady that kills, or does she kill ladies? I don’t know. And why does this story start one thousand years in the future? I don’t get it. Oh no… I just threw up all over my keyboard. This is gonna take awhile to clean up. Talk amongst yourselves.

Laura: Batman Confidential, what do you have to show me? The usual gruff noir voiceovers as Batman investigates crimes? Yawn. An evil lackey that gets killed at the last second before he can give up the name of his employer? Sigh. Bruce Wayne agonizing over his parents’ deaths? Again? Zzzz. There’s nothing here you haven’t seen a million billion times in Batman books, and usually done better. The only vaguely amusing thing is how Bruce Wayne bids for a defense contract against Lex Luthor by appealing to the government’s “conscience” and “mercy.” Oh, you naïve billionaire, you. Next, maybe you can pitch something factual to Fox News while appealing to their sense of “fairness” and “balance.”

Adan: That’s two Confidential books so far, and they both suck a lot. I couldn’t possibly contain my excitement for the third one featuring Wonder Woman. At least Whilce Portacio’s art isn’t horrible. It’s actually nearing his apex of StormWatch: Team Achilles. Andy Diggle on the other hand needs to jump ship as soon as possible and go write something like the Losers again because this isn’t doing it. The story is nearing Batman Begins levels of absurdity.

Jonah Hex #14

Laura: Jonah Hex is coming to town. He’s kind of like Santa Claus, except that instead of bringing presents and holiday cheer, he brings bullets and the cold embrace of death. As one man says when he sees Hex riding into town, “Better tell the Reverend to dust off his Bible.” I don’t know what makes people think it’s a good idea to start things with Hex, unless maybe they feel braver when it’s a whole posse against a single man. But they’re forgetting one thing: Jonah Hex will kill you. He will kill you all like he was shooting tin cans off a fence, and then he will smoke a cigarette through the hole in his face and think about what he wants to eat for dinner. They say hard times make hard men, and Jonah Hex is as tough as they come. This month we learn more about the events that made him that way, from his (literally) shitty childhood to his years living with the Apache. If you haven’t picked up any issues of this stone-cold spaghetti western, then this is a great time to jump on the wagon. Bonus: Palmiotti and Gray manage to go an entire issue without a brutal rape, which I totally didn’t think they could do. Kudos, guys.

Adan: Aside from the brutal rape scene, which was sorely lacking in my opinion, this book is still the best western comic currently being published. Hex is badass and he will show you every time some idiot with bigger balls than brains tries to one-up him. That said, you do have to admire those guys that start shit with Hex. They’ve got some mighty large grapefruits. Melons, even. A man with balls as big as that shouldn’t be able to walk, much less come up on Hex ready to throw down… those’re some damn big balls.

Justice Society of America #1

Adan: It’s the inevitable return of the first super-team in comics, and what are they doing? Alan Scott, Jay Garrick, and Wildcat are standing around a table deciding which heroes are going to be in the new JSA. Wait, what? This is the only narrative device we could think of to put a team back together, DC? Didn’t you just do this about three months ago with another top-tier super-team? What’s next? Vril Dox, Lobo, and Comet get together and decide who’s going to be in the new L.E.G.I.O.N.? Okay, but besides that, this book is awesome. I told you guys last week that I love Geoff Johns unless he’s writing Green Lantern, and JSA was probably the best of his DC series so I look forward to another awesome Society-Johns run.

Laura: Dunno how I feel about the old school triumverate of superheroes whipping legacy students into shape, but I do like Mr. America. A former FBI agent who left the force because he simply had more Justice to dispense than a badge could contain, he immediately started freelancing as a superhero detective for the same agents he’d worked with, his identity concealed only by a tiny, tiny blue eye mask and a cape. Seriously, other than that he’s just wearing a button up shirt and slacks! It’s kind of amazing. Anyway, I’m liking this character, and I hope he sticks around, especially since he’s the only thing I enjoy about the book so far.

Manhunter #26

Adan: Kate Spencer is back! Yay! Here’s a little-known tidbit about me: I love strong female characters, especially when they’re written very well. Tara Chace from Queen & Country, Starbuck from the new Battlestar Galactica, Sophocles’ Antigone, and many more. Yeah, I love Guy Gardner, but I also love the Manhunter. She’s taken a very tough case, but after defending Dr. Psycho, who could be tougher? How about another strong female character in Wonder Woman (who is only sometimes well-written). She’s on trial for the murder of Maxwell Lord, and she wants only the best for her defense. I wonder what kind of bonding experience they’ll have?

Laura: Despite being exonerated by the world court, Wonder Woman seeks out the legal services of Kate Spencer, who quite reasonably asks why Diana waited an entire year. We’ll pretend the answer isn’t 52, and rather that a federal grand jury is only now convening in America to try her for Lord’s murder. Kate Spencer agrees to join her defense, but for some reason feels the need to warn Wonder Woman that “I’m not going to kill anyone to help you.” WTF? Way to not throw that Maxwell Lord thing back in her face, Captain Overreacto. But hey, at least we get to see the two ladies throw down (for reasons that aren’t completely contrived).

newuniversal #1

Laura: No, I didn’t forget how to punctuate. The title of Warren Ellis’ new book is just all e.e. cummings like that, because Ellis is a funky guy. In the spirit of the original New Universe series, we find a world that looks much like our own (with a few significant deviations) where a handful of people gain incredible powers following a celestial incident known as “The White Event.” Ellis manages to introduce a pretty large cast of characters and keep it both interesting and minimally confusing. There are a whooole lot of plot threads here that need to get tied together later, but I’ve got faith. For extra easter egg fun, try to find all the celebrity look-alikes. There are quite a few pseudo-cameos by characters that just happen to look like famous people, including one of my favorite characters from Lost. (Hint: He’s a magnificent bastard, and his name rhymes with “lawyer”)

Adan: I’m not sure what Laura’s talking about with her pseudo-cameos, but I’m as blind as a bat, so don’t mind me. This is a pretty good first issue, with only a few slight problems (most of it comes from the fact that Communism has survived to the 21st century in this world, and their science is whooping our science; I call shenanigans, Ellis). I’ve never read the old New Universe stuff, although I’m told it wasn’t very good. Well, this was quite good, and will stay so as long as Ellis keeps writing it (or until he introduces the Pit). Larroca’s artwork is looking very Texeira-ish. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I do have a question: what’s up with that?

Nightly News #2

Laura: John Guyton is not a hero. He’s an anti-establishment extremist slash lunatic who believes the Voice of God is telling him to commit terrible acts of terrorism. The tree of liberty apparently needs watering, and Guyton thinks he knows where to get the blood: the media, whom he hates with a fiery but factually well-supported passion (there are many helpful charts). Guyton believes he is The Hand, God’s instrument of justice (if “justice” is defined as “killing lots and lots of reporters”), and so he has assembled the Cult of the Voice, a group of vengeful, malleable men ready to wreak havoc on his command. Although Jonathan Hickman claims to be somewhat apolitical, have no doubt: this is a radical book, in more way than one. Think Fight Club crossed with Brian Wood, to whom artist/writer Hickman has been favorably compared, and not for nothing. Composed entirely of eye-popping two page spreads, replete with pop-up factoid bubbles and numbered legends, Nightly News is a provocative visual treat that takes time to absorb. So get the first issue while you still can, and take it all in.

Adan: Are you serious!? You actually like this garbage? At least Brian Wood pretends not to be an anarchist/Communist. Apolitical my ass. All his little “factually well-supported” charts are about as accurate as the Da Vinci Code was. Hey kids, don’t bother fact-checking or looking up anything for yourselves because Jonathan Hickman will tell you exactly like it is. The United States government is bought and sold by Media Corporations on an almost daily basis and the Constitution is just a piece of paper and we don’t actually have to do what it says. A bunch of crazy cultists know what’s really going on and killing innocents is a good way to change the world (that last statement, while factually true, is morally wrong). I’m sure you’ve got more to say on this, sis, so I’ll wait for your well-timed retort before I go totally apeshit on this awful piece of trash.

Laura: Take a deeeep breath. In through your nose… aaaand… out through your mouth. Some of the points Hickman is making about the media are legitimate (though perhaps not all), but let’s be clear: Hickman is not advocating the murder of journalists or crazy cultish behavior or terrorist acts. He’s presenting them in a work of fiction, through a character that you’re supposed to feel ambivalent about. You’re not supposed to laud or embrace the terrible things Guyton does; you’re supposed to think about them in the context of the book as a whole. I know that very special rage you feel only towards pinkos, Adan, but I think you’re taking this far, far too much at face value. Also, it’s a beautiful book, no matter what your politics are.

Adan: “I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.” And the bonus round: What beautiful? It’s clip art with hair. This guy can’t even take the time to write his signs out on the signs themselves. Instead I have to read the footnote to see what each sign is supposed to say. This art looks like a third grader put it together with construction paper. Like South Park, only no where near as funny.

Laura: This is a really easy one to settle, folks: pick up the book. Pick it up in the store, open it, place the interior within your field of vision, and make your own aesthetic judgment about the art. It will not be difficult.

Spider-Man: Reign #1

Adan: Page 20, panel 3. Yes, Kaare Andrews is awesome. Yes, this is set in a dystopian future in New York City. Yes, super heroes have been outlawed. But none of that matters. Go to page 20, panel 3 and behold the height of editorial lapse in judgment, lapse in concentration, lapse in duty: Peter Parker’s Pecker! It’s right there! Go to page 20, panel 3 and behold the Spider-Penis! That’s it. That’s all I got. I was going to do this great write-up all about how this book was an analogue of current government fear tactics and a natural extension of the Marvel Universe if the Super-Hero Registration Act is not changed or overturned, but then I saw a penis in a Marvel book and I was done. An old, wrinkly penis! In a regular, non-MAX Marvel book! Avi Arad would be spinning in his grave if he were, you know, dead. According to the credits, the people responsible are Michael O’Connor and Axel Alonso. They let the penis go. It’s there. You can’t take it back now.

Laura: Oh, Peter Parker. It’s hard for me to see you like this: a lonely, broken old man, as good-hearted (and destitute) as ever, but bereft of friends, loved ones, and any sense of purpose. These days, New York City is run by a crazy fascist mayor that has kicked out all its superheroes, and the streets are policed by crazy brutalizing cops who (gasp) hurt children. Small children with puppy dog eyes that gaze at Old Man Parker and ask how he could let this happens, which doesn’t make any sense–why would you expect a brittle elderly man to do anything against gigantic thugs? Regardless, you know what’s going to happen: you’re going to see Peter Parker’s balls. Sorry, I meant to say that he’s going to become Spider-Man again. I guess I got kind of distracted by something. Probably Peter Parker’s penis. (Try saying that three times fast.)

Adan: Wait, all that happened in this book? Seriously? Wow, that penis seriously just broke my concentration entirely.

Tranquility #1

Laura: Many people have a dream of retiring, someday, to a small town where everyone knows your name and waves hello to you on the street. In the quaint, quirky town of Tranquility, lots people are living that dream—the twist is, they happen to be Superpeople (or “Maxis” are they are called. Go ahead, get your guffaws out now). From senile Golden Age heroes to punk-ass superteens, Gail Simone has populated Tranquility with a lively and very funny cast of characters, including Emoticon (grandson of old-school villain The Typist) who had me pounding the table with laughter. El oh el! Also in this alternate universe, Seduction of the Innocent was laughed off back in the 50s, and comic books subsequently became a $3 billion industry. Ah, comics. You truly are a fantasy world. Keep it up, Gail Simone, and you might just have a brand new fan on your hands.

Adan: The only original book to populate the WorldStorm, it is also hands down the funniest (sorry Grant and Garth). It’s also got the most heart. Yes, the Emoticon and his sideways-scrolling faces are funny, but Maxi-Man’s inability to remember the magic word that makes him into a super-powered phenom (think DC’s Captain Marvel or Miracleman) is pretty sad. How would you like to spend the rest of your life reading out of dictionaries in every language known to man just to try to find your special word? That’s rough, man. And the rest of this town is populated by other characters that are just as funny, just as pathetic, and are just as every adjective in-between.

Ultimate Vision #1

Adan: “My body is exquisitely designed for two things. Communication and propulsion.” So says the Vision as she prepares to leave Earth in a body that resembles a fully-functioning female in thigh-high boots and little else. Excuse me, is your finely-toned ass for propulsion or for communication? Oh, both? Pardon me for asking, then. After Spider-Penis, it’s almost impossible not to assume that Marvel has become a hard-core pornographic comic book company, or at the very least has been taken over by Jim Balent and now everybody’s clothes will magically disappear. The Vision certainly has knockers big enough for Jim Balent to enjoy drawing. Oh, and in case you’re keeping score at home, those big knockers are for communication purposes only. You know, communication like, “Can a guy buy a sexy lady a drink?”

Laura: Seriously, unless her boobs are detachable bombs or double as machine guns, they’re pretty indefensible. They’re indefensible anyway, but at least machine gun boobs don’t ask to be taken seriously. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible to sexualize a giant female C3P0 quite this much, and yet somehow they manage to do it. Sexy Female Vision encounters a bunch of creepy scientists that lure her to a space station, act generally sketchy and cavalier about human life, and then ask her to take part in a really dangerous experiment. Her wise and sensible robot answer: Sure! Jesus. Are you really that easy? If that’s the case, this guy at the bar has something he wants to tell you about a mirror in your pocket. Also, he has lost his phone number and needs yours.

Adan: Hey Vision, your propulsion systems must be taxed because you’ve been running around my head all day.

Laura: Also, your dad must’ve been a mechanic… ‘cuz you got all the right parts!

American Virgin #9

Laura: Adam Chamberlain, former virginity evangelist turned completely broken man, has had a tough run of it. The girl he was saving himself for, Cassie, got beheaded and possibly raped while on a Peace Corps mission in Africa, destroying his future and his belief system in one fell swoop. He says God told him Cassie was the woman meant for him, while her murderer says that God said to kill her. That’s what really makes Adam’s life fall down around his ears: the idea that maybe, just maybe, they were both talking to themselves. The boy of convictions has become a man of half-measures, who feints at sex and death, but can’t quite embrace either, if he can even tell them apart anymore. In summary, this is the best non-superhero book I’ve read all year.

Adan: Adam Chamberlain needs to pick a side already. Either you are a son of God, and therefore will leave things to His divine will, like the punishment of the dude who beheaded and raped your girl (like Job), or you are an unbeliever and you have to take things in your own hands (like Batman). This kid just fucking annoys me and is what’s wrong with most religious folk today: hypocrisy. Either believe the Word or stop spouting it like your very own soundtrack. I understand that traumatic events can really fuck with your beliefs, but c’mon, man! You’re kind of going schizo. And I don’t know if I care enough about you to, you know, care about you.

Laura: Let me paraphrase back to you what you told me about Chase last week: the man’s heart has been broken. If you’re ever going to doubt your faith, it’s when your one true love gets her head cut off and you have to personally retrieve it from a tree in some African village. Even freakin’ Jesus had his moment on the cross when he felt deserted by God, so I’m gonna cut Adam Chamberlain a little slack. You should too. The first and only trade is out now, and it’s called Head, and you need to get it. I mean… uh, yeah.

Adan: Yeah, but Chase was never a devout Christian man. You can’t just love God when it’s going well, man. If that’s the case, you never really loved Him at all.

Laura: Don’t say that. It’s not that he doesn’t love God anymore; he just needs some time and space now to reevaluate their relationship. Maybe he needs to see other Gods. But no matter what happens, what he has with God will always be special to him.

Batman/The Spirit

Adan: Hey, this was really good! Jeph Loeb didn’t suck! And Darwyn Cooke’s art is always excellent! Almost everybody that has appeared in either comic is here: Commisioners Dolan and Gordon, the Octopus, the Joker, P’Gell, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Carrion, the Cossack, Killer Croc, Barbara Gordon, Ellen Dolan, everybody! And they mix and mingle and it’s crazy fun. It’s been awhile since I’ve had this much fun reading a comic. Just grab the book. You’ll thank yourself after you read it. PS: the Spirit’s logo does show up in the artwork, so you’re covered there too.

Laura: Good times! Turns out I don’t actually hate Jeph Loeb unconditionally. I like this book for the same reason I loved Batman: The Animated Series: it takes the Dark Dark Knight and reminds us why it’s so fucking fun to love him. He’s the goddamn Batman, and Loeb does it better here than either Miller or Morrison could muster recently. I feel like I should burst into flames just for saying that. The truth hurts, people, but it’s still the truth.

Crossing Midnight #1

Adan: Ancient religious beliefs collide with modern life (no, I’m not still talking about American Virgin). And then modern life has to pay for it. What did I learn when reading this book: don’t promise your kids to gods you don’t think exist, because they just might, and then what are you gonna do? Luckily, your kids have super powers, so they might be able to defend themselves. Yawn. I didn’t care for this book, but I can’t really find anything wrong except for the excessive First Issue Exposition problem that most comics face (or, as we shall call it from now on, FIE). It just didn’t grab me. Maybe it’ll grab you.

Laura: Yeah… I dunno. A lot of this book seemed consumed with explaining how charming and exotic Japanese culture is, and that’s not actually a plot. If someone gave me the second issue for free I might read it, but if that’s the attitude your readers come away with after issue number one, you’ve probably done something wrong.

Green Lantern #15

Adan: Holy plot threads, Batman! Geoff Johns introduces not one, not two, not three, but four separate story threads in this issue of Green Lantern, while continuing the Amon Sur hiring bounty hunters to take out Hal arc (aka Wanted: Hal Jordan). Some of you may remember the rant from a couple of years back in which I decried Johns’ handling of Jordan’s madness (which only continues to this day, by the way, with that recent Revenge of the Green Lanterns garbage). But today, in this issue, Geoff Johns actually hits one out of the park! Don’t get me wrong: I love Geoff Johns… when he’s writing anything but Green Lantern. His GL run has sucked frozen monkey titties. Until today (and I guess the issue before this wasn’t that bad, either). Way to go, Geoff. Keep this shit up and I may forget all about Green Lantern #4.* And poor Ivan Reis. I still stand by the fact that Ethan Van Sciver is the Green Lantern artist of our age, but Ivan Reis tries to prove me wrong everytime he draws a ringslinger. Keep it up. Until today, you were the only reason I kept reading this title.

Laura: “A wave of pheremones hits me harder than a 12-pack,” says Hal Jordan when he encounters the sexy sex-powered superheroine, Crimson Fox. It turns out a woman is like a beer, just like Homer Simpson told us all those years ago. Crimson Fox is French, but apparently can’t speak French very well from her total inability to order adjectives properly, which is sad for her. That’s about all I have to say. I don’t care about Green Lantern. It’s all right though, because Adan cares enough for the both of us.

Guy Gardner: Collateral Damage #1

Adan: And now, for a real Lantern! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the most bigoted, racist, misogynist, and manliest of all Green Lanterns, Guy Gardner! And even for all his faults (and there are millions), he will still ride in and save the motherfucking day. Do you know why? Because he’s Guy Gardner. Guy Gardner doesn’t ever fuck around; he gets right to the point. If he wants to take you back to his place for a little R&R, he ain’t gonna be subtle about it. He’s gonna tell you right out. You need him to save a bunch of neutral aliens in the path of two warring peoples by brokering peace? He’s gonna ask you what’s in it for him. And if you say nothing but rainbows and sunshine, he’ll still do it. But don’t for a second think he’s not going to find something the benefits him, especially if the representatives of the two warring peoples are hot. And G’nort, I think I liked you better when you were an idiot. And if you think Guy Gardner cares if you read his book or not, he doesn’t. But he is going to think you’re a pussy for not reading (and if you bring up that Batman-one punch thing, he’s going to kick you in the face). FYI, Guy Gardner is the leader of my own personal JLA: the Jerky League of America, comprised of such stellar jerks as Asuka Soryu Langley, Dr. Gregory House, MD, the Black Spy (that guy’s a dick), and many more. Wanna join up? Then go punch a puppy and we’ll talk.

Laura: Guy Gardner is Guy Gardner, and you either love him or hate him. And Adan loves him. I mean, really loves him. And I’m trying to do some sort of psychoanalysis of why he has this overwhelming man-crush on such a jerk, but the truth is that I tend to fall for guys who are jerks too, so maybe I shouldn’t cast stones. Actually, that’s nice. That’s something we can share… our love of charismatic assholes. Oh, and the story is kind of ridiculous (Guy Gardner as an intergalactic arbiter??) and the art is borderline bad, but you heard me before. Guy Gardner is Guy Gardner, and you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do.

Immortal Iron Fist #1

Adan: Why is it blue-eyed rich white guys always make the best martial artists? Curse you, brown eyes, small bank account, and… okay, I’m pretty white (but my heart will always be Aztec), for denying me the opportunity to be like Batman, Chuck Norris, and Johnny Cage. I could have been a contender. But enough about my dashed hopes and dreams, let’s talk about Iron Fist. That dude sure can beat the crap outta people. And he doesn’t need any stinking booties. Yeah, I’m talking to you, John Byrne. Do you know why he doesn’t need any booties? ‘Cause he’s not a fucking man-child like you are. He’s a bad-ass motherfucker (apologies to Sam Jackson), while beating Hydra out in the streets and while beating Commies in the boardroom. And while we’re on the subject of bad-ass motherfuckers, let’s talk about David Aja. This guy can draw. He can draw all kinds of awesomeness. He could probably do it in his sleep. His panel progressions rock my meerkats pretty hard. And you will find a pair of bad-ass motherfuckers in Bru and Fraction. These kids can spin a yarn better than your Grams on Knittin’ Night. However, there is a small bit of confusion in their scene jumps, but I must chalk it up to the FIE. Do yourself a favor and buy this awesome book. Pissing off John Byrne is a beautiful fringe benefit. Oh, and also, fuck Communism.

Laura: He is the Iron Fist. He holds back the storm. Something is holding back this book from being great, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun read and everybody seems to love it. It just doesn’t come together quite as well as I would like, and it’s almost more frustrating because it’s so close to being good. Maybe it’s this FIE Adan keeps talking about. Fie on you, FIE.

Onslaught Reborn #1

Laura: I’m going to say right up front that I’m not a big fan of Jeph Loeb’s writing. Or Liefeld’s art. Or the Onslaught storyline. So really, I wasn’t expecting much from this book, and not much did it deliver. In fairness, Liefeld’s art is better than it used to be, if you ignore that one picture where Sue Storm suddenly has scary football player shoulders. Anyway, the writing is bad. Like, tack-it-up-on-a-bulletin-board-as-an-example-of-what-not-to-do bad. Onslaught is back, and he’s seeking… you guessed it, revenge. Zzzzzz. Franklin narrates a lot, which you can tell because he uses lots of conversational fillers like “y’know” and “y’see,” and describes the Negative Zone as “a place you’ve got to know to know, you know what I mean?” It’s all part of that special dialect spoken only by adults who try to simulate how they imagine children talk. Also, Franklin refers to M Day as “genocide by magic, I guess.” I guess! Wow, magical genocide—destroying an entire race of people has never sounded so enchanting.

Adan: Hey, why did the comic book character cross the road? Because it wanted to get away from Rob Liefeld’s impossible perspective. Hey, if you continue to let Rob Liefeld draw you with your mouth open in every single panel, you will catch a fly and it will not taste good. Hey, are those Bucky’s ridiculously long legs as drawn by Rob Liefeld in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? …I could write a whole book with the material that Rob Liefeld gives me. And while I have no love lost for Jeph Loeb (who will ruin every single ending to every single story, it seems, except for Batman: The Long Halloween and Batman/The Spirit), Franklin Richards is not narrating. It’s actually the aforementioned Heroes Reborn Bucky. Sorry to call you out like that, sis, but you’re just plain wrong. I can understand your mistake, though. You don’t find out that it’s Bucky until the very end, and you probably couldn’t stomach it for that long. It’s cool, I understand. And those of you schmucks who just gasped and are bitching that I provided no spoiler alert for the fact that girl Bucky shows up in the end, what the fuck is wrong with you? Where are your goddamn priorities?

Laura: Yeah… you got me. I can only blame my total disrespect for every single page of this book. I think I checked out somewhere during the Onslaught vs. Thing battle that seemed to take up half the book, which in reality would take about .5 seconds because it’s fucking Onslaught versus the Thing. God, my contempt for this book is overwhelming.

Powers #21

Laura: It’s nice to be reminded that there was a reason I used to like Brian Michael Bendis. It’s another head-popping issue with Detectives Walker and Pilgrim, as those with more power than wisdom make some rash decisions, and then lots of people die. For some reason, Bendis and Oeming always manage to make that mean something, or at least make it feel ugly, rather than exciting. And although this isn’t the best Powers has ever been (that was the Forever trade, for the record), I’m still on board. It’s sad to think about how good it might have been if Bendis had spent more time with it, rather than spreading himself thin across various Marvel titles, but regret is an unproductive emotion. I still care about these characters, and I’m still waiting to have my socks knocked off again. I may be waiting a while, though, so at least I’ve got a book to read.

Adan: Wow, used to like Brian Michael Bendis? When did that happen? You don’t have to lie to make friends, you know. You’ve loved that bald little man since fucking Jinx, and don’t you lie. You’ve defended that man everytime I can remember. Although, to be fair, this series is good. It’s got its low points every once and awhile (and would it kill Oeming to not draw a naked dead chick for one arc?), this one is not one of them. Powers start dying off left and right, and the coroner starts stacking them like cordwood (he even comments to Pilgrim and Walker that they should really get on that). It’s fun and it’s cool and an iPod shows up. What more could you possibly ask for from Bendis? Oh, right: Quit making all your characters talk like goddamn twelve-year-olds! On the upside, the coroner is fucking cool. He’s Batman cool, but with sarcasm. In fact Bendis, LAAPPAS has demanded it: More coroner!

Laura: I can tell you the exact moment that I stopped loving Brian Michael Bendis unconditionally. It was New Avengers #20, right after the dead of Genosha reanimated, and I thought things were going to get awesome, but instead they became lamer than I ever imagined. That voice in Magneto’s head was telling him to “say my name” which conjured all sorts of creepy sexual imagery, which was fine except that it climaxed with Magneto yelling “XORN!” Xorn?? Why, Brian Michael Bendis? Why? I believed in you. I believed in us. I thought that we had something really special. I guess I was wrong.

Tarot Witch of the Black Rose #41

Laura: Tarot Witch of the Black Rose is everything that is wrong with comics. One cover features a sexy witch sucking on a sentient candy cane with cartoon eyes and floating hearts and I… I don’t even know if I can keep a straight face here. There are a lot of terrible puns, naked women getting pelted with snowballs, and at least one cat-woman giving out random handjobs. I’m not sure what else to tell you. The best part of the book is hands down the unintentionally hilarious letters section at the end, which reads like the worst fanboy bulletin board ever. The fans opine about how some people see all the distended bosoms and hairless pussies and characterize Tarot as an adult comic… b-b-but it’s not! And they’ve got a point. It’s not a comic for adults. It’s a comic for fatuous man-children who have no hope of ever seeing a woman naked again. If such is your lot, I won’t judge you for reading Tarot. Ha ha, just kidding. I’ll still totally judge you.

Adan: You know who’s a fatuous man-child? John Byrne. Zing! Two in one column. Huzzah! But seriously folks, Jim Balent, what the fuck? Remember when you used to draw Catwoman? That was some good times, man. Now you gotta do this bullshit where chicks with big titties and shaved mounds get naked in one improbable manner after another (a fucking window hook catches a dress? Seriously?). And the worst part about this horrible, horrible book is that I get the feeling that Jim Balent totally believes this Wicca bullshit (how many religions can I piss off in one column, kids?). There’s a goddamn spell at the end of the book that is supposed to relieve nightmares. “Best time to cast: waning moon; Wednesday; in the hours of Mercury.” Best time to burn this book: fucking always.

Zombies vs Robots #1

Adan: Okay, hands down: Most awesome title ever! The story isn’t great and the art blows (it’s Ashley Wood, after all, master of the murky pencil that obscures all), but it’s fucking robots versus fucking zombies! Look, I can already promise you that this won’t be like Aliens vs. Predator, where all I wanted was two hours of Aliens fighting Predators (was that so much to ask? Even Batman fought the fucking Predator, I couldn’t get a goddamn Alien to do it?). This first issue already has tons of Robots fighting tons of Zombies. It’s great. It’s not as great as a real Aliens vs. Predator movie would be, but it’ll do in a pinch.

Laura: I anticipated the shit out of Alien vs. Predator, so much so that I when I saw the movie I actually convinced myself that I liked it a little bit, despite its many, many failings. The worst part was when the hot chick and the Predator had that Moment where their eyes met and she was like, “We can do this together, Predator! Our powers combined!” For a second I thought they were actually going to develop a romantic subplot with the two of them, which might have saved the movie in a twisted, twisted way. But back to zombies, which we can’t seem to go a week without discussing. Zombies vs. Robots is a great concept, and much like AvP, I want to like it, but I can’t. The robots preface all their statements with tags like “Interrogative” and “Query” (note: same thing) to illustrate how very robotic they are, and then act weirdly emotional and petty about their illogical robot hierarchy. I’m not interested in your internecine robot drama, and I can’t imagine why anyone would program you to have it. I kept wishing the book would be more like We3, and make its non-human characters talk in a believably non-human way, but the closest it came was the zombie speech bubble containing a picture of a brain. More of that, please? More braaaaains and fewer robots that are more annoying than most people.

*No he won’t. The grudges are all that keep the fire in his heart burning like a white hot sun.

Adan: Let me get this straight, I need to read Civil War #5 AND #6 in order to understand this story? Well, sucks to be me ’cause Civil War #6 is about two months away from being released. Ah well, at least I get to read May being all feisty again. How this woman is living without arthiritis, osteoporosis and a diaper is beyond me. On the upside, we find out what happens when Tony says “Spider-Armor shut down” (eagle-eyed readers will remember me complaining about this in last week’s Civil War #5 semi-pick). We don’t find out what happens when the Punisher saves Peter, though. We have to read the Punisher for that. It’s like Marvel put all these pieces of the same story in different books on purpose. What a crazy world that would be, huh?

Laura: Tony Stark and Spider-Man continue throwing down, but then suddenly we cut away to a much later scene, which Editor’s Notes say will make sense after we read Civil War 6. I guess not much happens in #6, because just about everything feels like retread until the last three pages, which were good, but not worth a dollar a page. At least Spidey finally gets rid of that ass-ugly red and gold costume, which I like only for the reason you might like banging your head against a wall: cause it feels so good when it finally stops.

Casanova #6

Adan: Remember how much you love Fell? Well, meet Casanova. It’s just as awesome as Fell: It’s a cheap date (only a buck ninety-nine), contains none of that obnoxious decompressed storytelling bullshit (Matt Fraction could write ‘War and Peace’ in two pages and still keep the emotional breadth and depth if he had to), has beautiful art found nowhere else on Earth (Gabriel Ba is the best thing to come out of Brazil since thongs), and has more stuff inside it than a Taco Bell Seven Layer Burrito (after the awesome story, Matt tells us exactly how he came up with that particular issue, which is usually hilarious). So go get it.

Laura: This book is really good, and really weird. If this is your first issue of Casanova, it may not make sense to you. That’s OK. This is my sixth issue and it still doesn’t make sense to me, but I love it. Tracking down the back issues is highly recommended, as it helps you appreciate all the layers on which this high-concept mindfuck is fantastically bizarre, but if you don’t have the patience, then just jump in. In the closing notes, Matt Fraction compares writing Casanova with accumulating items in an old school adventure game, to which I say: PICK UP BOOK.

Drain #1

Laura: Reading Drain is a lot like reading Harlan Ellison’s personally scripted legal complaint against Fantagraphics—so hilariously preposterous that you think that surely this can’t be serious; it must be some sort of deeply ironic form of self-mockery—but the great part is that it’s not! Drain is about a sexy man-killing vampire ninja who also happens to be a (spoiler alert) lesbian. A sexy lesbian. And she’s seeking revenge! It kicks off with a decapitation and a non-ironic double entendre about head, following by a shot of our sexy vampire ninja lesbian licking blood off her looong blade. Yeeeah. If it’s not already an obvious wankfest, they decide to take us on a visual tour of her different roles throughout history, including sexy nurse, sexy geisha, sexy pirate, sexy cowboy, and sexy pop star. What, no sexy witch? What kind of Halloween party is this?

Adan: Oh man, this book is so bad, it gets good again just long enough to get bad again. And Laura already told you why. I’d tell you to go buy this and enjoy the gut-wrenching laughter you will experience, but I’m afraid it will only embolden our enemies. So go steal it instead.* I won’t tell.**

Heroes for Hire #4

Adan: See, what Drain tried to do and failed miserably at, Heroes for Hire excels at. Two bootylicious heroines who don’t take no shit from nobody. Sure, Misty Knight and Colleen Wing are impossible women with boobs and hair and the whole nine, but they will also kick your ass for staring at their boobs instead of listening to them. And that doesn’t even matter because the best character in this book is not a set of Ds in skin-tight spandex who will punch your teeth out for saying bad stuff about their mommas. Nope, it’s a small, gnomish kinda guy that talks to roaches. Humbug is the guy you’d want in your corner no matter how gross you thought he was. And the second best character in this book is Otis, the girl’s invulnerable secretary. That’s two ugly, almost useless characters that Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray have managed to turn into fucking rock stars. Way to go, guys.

Laura: Strong characters and balls-out style certainly go a long way, but between the creepy/funny baby fetish scene and the vicious tragedy later in the book, I couldn’t decide whether or not to take the book seriously, or just ride the wave from cover to cover. What happens to Tarantula actually makes a pretty good case against the Registration Act, so it’ll be interesting to see how that unfolds. I’ll keep reading solely on the strength of Humbug and Shang-Chi (Master of Kung Fu), and of course it’s always a pleasure to see Misty Knight, even if it does make Beyonce songs circle on an endless loop in my brain.

Noble Causes #25

Adan: The big 2-5 hits the Noble family and they take the opportunity to go on a little joyride through time. Liz Donnely-Noble is careening farther and farther into the future and she’s slowly piecing together what her family will become. Unfortunately, every time period is drawn by a different guy and it just takes right out of the comic. I’ve been reading Noble Causes since it started and I mostly enjoy it. But this issue is definitely not the one to start with. There’s too much history that plays into Liz’s glimpses into the future and not enough consistency from the artists. After the surprise ending, next issue should be a much better jumping on point for new readers.

Laura: This was my first issue of Noble Causes, and I had kind of no idea what was going on. Liz, the apparent matriarch of a super-powered family, starts running so fast that she travels through time to different points in her family’s future. Figuring out who was who and what was what while the main character was doing the same thing made for a rocky reading experience, but no harm no foul. Do what Adan says and check back later when this will all (hopefully) make more sense.

Pirates of Coney Island #2

Adan: The pirates finally show up and there is much Arrr-ing. Anything Rick Spears writes, I will read, and that’s saying a lot. Rick has my utmost trust and he’s never let me down. The best part in this issue: the nautical terms the pirates use while driving around Coney Island. And how they get their food. And what the new kid wears at the end. You know what? The whole fucking book is great. It’s fun and you won’t find anything like it on the rack. Permission to come aboard is granted.

Laura: It’s fun watching kids play pirates. I’d like it better if they were doing it in a creek or a treehouse or a backyard instead of creepy abandoned buildings in Coney Island, but some children have tougher lives than others and they should still get to play. Bright, candy-colored art and sympathetic, believably weird little kids make this worth a read, particularly if you feel like picking up something different than the same Spider-Man vs. Iron Man fight from twenty different angles. It gets extra points for mentioning my personal hero, Takeru Kobayashi. Anyone who can eat 53 hot dogs in twelve minutes and still have a six-pack deserves all the name-dropping he can get.

Runaways #22

Laura: Happy birthday, Chase. You’re 18 now, which according to our somewhat arbitrary laws makes you an adult. Except that you hate adults, so now you’re wondering whether you should turn into the only kind you’ve ever known: an evil one. I know becoming the thing you once hated is a sure-fire way to dial up the angst, but compare and contrast with Nico, who is carrying the mantle of leadership with grace and strength, despite her insecurities and incredibly pointy hair. Instead of turning into her parents, she has decided to turn into a Final Fantasy character, but she’s still one up on you. Her power lies in innovation, in growth and change, while your power lies in dragging around your dead girlfriend’s psychic dinosaur like a giant, snarling albatross of grief, and generally acting like a selfish prick. Two words, Chase: grow up.

Adan: Harsh, L. The kid has known true love, and then lost said true love. That’s bound to make anybody go a little batty. Give it time, he’ll come around. Or do something profoundly stupid to get that true love back. One or the other. The point is, you shouldn’t mock an obviously hurting man. Although major points for your awesome wordplay. Yes, it was at the expense of our poor Mister Stein, but it was some damn fine wordplay.

Laura: Aww, now I feel kinda bad. I know it hurts, Chase, but buck up. Just about everyone gets their heart broken into little tiny pieces at one time or another, and the good news is that eventually you’ll put it back together again. Just not exactly the same way it was before. In the meantime, try not to be an asshole.

Walking Dead #32

Adan: The best zombie book in the world is starting to lose its luster. To be honest, it lost its luster when Rick told us all that he and his merry band of merry men were the walking dead (in a full page panel focusing on his face as he screamed it for the firmament to buckle and the heavens to shake, no less). Now there’s this town with a crazy governor who feeds newbies to the zombies (for entertainment purposes only, of course) and Rick has to be all manly man in the face of batshit crazy again. And I’m almost totally done with this whole genre again.

Laura: Did a zombie eat your mother, Adan? From whence comes your irrational hatred of the undead? At least this book isn’t simply a sightseeing tour of the body’s internal organs; for the moment, it’s about the stupid, terrible things that living people do to each other for no reason, with the threat of zombies lying dormant in the backdrop, ready to jump out and attack whenever you least suspect it. This is why people are supposed to bond together against a common foe, instead of fighting each other like idiots. The zombies take you all.

Adan: My mother was a zombie and I’m just sick and tired of seeing all this racism towards Undead-Americans. Not every single zombie is a head-eating jackass who says nothing but “Brains” all day. A little respect, jeez.

Laura: There’s a very easy joke here about your mother and eating head, but I’m gonna let it pass me by. Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.

Wonder Woman #3

Laura: Who is Wonder Woman? Just about everyone except Diana, apparently, including special guest Hercules, who seems pretty pissed off about her year-long vacation from championing Olympus. He has rather some choice words reserved for her “Agent Prince” persona as well, for which I would like to high five him, because I’m sick of it too. I know it’s she’s trying to be sly with her hair buns and her silly pink glasses, but I’m tired of the Clark Kent School of Superhero Disguise, and I’m tired of this tedious foreplay. It’s issue #3 of Wonder Woman, and I still haven’t seen Wonder Woman, so wake me up when she gets here.

Adan: There are three Wonder Women in this book (I counted twice just to make sure) and the best thing about it is still a dude named Nemesis. That guy don’t fuck around. He’s balls nasty. But back to the real question here: how many times are you going to use that Wonder Man joke, Heinberg? Because if that’s the best you got, I’m leaving. And one final point: Dr. Psycho is in like three different books, and he doesn’t match in any two, much less all three. Same goes for Cheetah. See, I caught that on my lunch break. Where’s my money, DC? More importantly, where are your fucking editors?

X-Factor #13

Laura: At any given time, I imagine that the members of any supergroup are consumed by varying levels of barely concealed dysfunction and grief, given their penchant for tragedy and betrayal. Unfortunately, they’re usually too busy rushing from one apocalypse to another to talk about it, but this month X-Factor devotes an entire issue to head-shrinking, peeling open the layers of each character and letting them fall apart. What we learn is that no matter how strong and beautiful and invulnerable they may seem, every single one of them is wounded, terrified, and alone. Every single one of them is looking for something to hold on to in the midst of utter chaos, trying desperately to keep it together, one day at a time. In short, they are people—and they are just like us. Standing ovation, Peter David.

Adan: Yeah, really. It’s David’s best… well, best anything, probably. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything better by David (although keep in mind I didn’t read any of his Hulk stuff and that’s supposed to be phenomenal). All of X-Factor’s member get interviewed. The Doc even goes across town to look up Quicksilver because why not. He used to be in X-Factor so you might as well. And the new regular artist Raimondi is super cool. I love his renditions of the entire team, especially his Pietro. It’s probably his best character design, so I hope David writes him in a lot more often.

*LAPPAS does not condone thievery of any sort, so knock that shit off.
**Oh yes he will. You know why? ‘Cause he’s a fucking narc.

Adan: My review in one word: Disappointing. What the crap, seriously. This is the most obnoxious ending to a storyline since Maggie Simpson shot Mr. Burns. The only cool parts: Cyclops shooting the bad guys with what looks like a Glock, and that girl with the bubble armor whooping ass right alongside Percy Dovetonsils. The rest of it was paint-by-numbers Whedon with what, again, I can only call an obnoxious ending.

Laura: In the first three pages, Cyclops picks up a gun and shoots Cassandra Nova in the head. Stone cold, Scott Summers, and for about 10 seconds I’m in love with you, but of course Whedon is just kidding. Oh, how he likes to kid! Beast gets cured by a magic ball of string, Wolverine gets cured by beer, and it’s all very Joss Tweedon and I’m sick of it. Cutthroat Emma suddenly hates herself for being alive–and she totally should, because she’s a really bad person. Scott tries to call out the tiny violins, though, and blame it all on Cassandra Nova, which is kind of crap but whatever–we’re going into space! Next stop: Breakworld, and if we’re lucky, a better issue.

Astro City: The Dark Age Book 2 #1

Laura: It’s time for a trip down memory lane, to a bleaker, uglier time in Astro City’s past. Kurt Busiek’s world takes a turn for the gritty, spiraling down into crime, corruption, and darkness. It’s kind of a cross between New York in the 1970s and Gotham Central, with a dash of Powers for spice. If you haven’t read the Astro City books, please start now. It’s everything a superhero book should be, and it makes me ashamed of all the times I settled for mediocrity just because it happened to wear a cape. Expect more, and read this.

Adan: Holy crap! I’ve never read any Astro City before in my life, but I have to start immediately! What the hell was I thinking!? This is really good! Kurt Busiek can write like nobody’s business. The bit with the Street Angel character was really, really good. This book is a study on the grim and gritty era of comics and I can only assume it’s get gonna get even better!

Checkmate #8

Adan: This book is starting to lose its luster. Don’t get me wrong, I still love it, but now we’re in the “I know you too well, and some of that shit is starting to bother me” phase. Espionage with superpowers, chess motifs, unacted upon love, and some pretty broken people. Again, while I still love the hell out of this book, it’s main function is quickly becoming to remind me how inferquently Queen & Country ships.

Laura: It’s interdepartmental turf war time, as the Department of Metahuman Affairs (DMA) puts their hand on Checkmate’s side of the car seat and screws with one of their ops, sending everyone into crazy tantrum mode. Since the op involves Kobra, this book features the requisite attacking people with snakes, and I always wonder why villains think that’s such a great idea. What if they don’t bite the guy when he opens the suitcase? You’re going to look like an idiot, and all because you wanted to get flashy and thematic. You know what’s better than a snake? A bullet, asshole. Feel free to write this down.

Civil War #5

Adan: Hey, wow! This was actually pretty good! The Punisher comes back and joins a side (I’ll let you find out which one on your own), but that side kind of maybe doesn’t want him. Certain heroes start swtiching sides faster than you can say flip-flopper and the Thunderbolts get unleashed. The only two things that really bothered me about this issue: why doesn’t Stark just say, “Spider Armor shut down,” when he’s fighting Spidey, and why doesn’t the mask get immediately ripped off the recently captured hero at the end of the issue since that’s one of the major points of the Registration Act. Not enough to make me hate the main plot points like last issue’s letter by Sue. Man, that was awful.

Laura: Spiderman realizes just how hard he’s screwed himself for Tony Stark, and then the real screwing begins. The moment he stops playing ball, the government sics subsidized supervillains on his ass, which gets kicked faster than you can say “sucks to be you, Peter Parker.” Bet you’re regretting all those nanites in your bloodstream now, huh? Next time don’t trust the smarmy manipulative gajillionaire who wants you to sell out. Hey, at least you can finally lose the red and gold costume; consider it symbolic of your decision not to be a dumbass anymore.

Daredevil: Father #6

Laura: Man, what is this crap. There’s a lot of psychobabble about fathers and sons and fathers and blame and fathers, most of which only vaguely makes sense. It turns out serial killer Johnny Sockets is The Last Person You’d Suspect: the abused wife! Oh, the surprise. She thinks her killing spree is all Matt Murdock’s fault, and Matt Murdock thinks it’s all her dad’s fault. Guys, let’s review: only one person was murdering people and cutting out their eyes, and her name was… well, Johnny Sockets, which is a dumb name for a killer, but an awesome name for a robot.

Adan: If you’ve been sleeping under a rock for the last year, don’t worry, ’cause you didn’t miss anything. This book is later than a two-dollar whore who forgot her contraception. And frankly, if you’ve been under a rock for your entire life in relation to this book, good for you. When you’re grabbing books off the rack, walk right past this thing because it’s no good. Get back to E-I-C-ing, Joe.

Fell #6

Laura: How many times do they gotta reprint this book before you read it? It’s only $1.99, so skip your fancy coffee this morning and BUY IT. Richard Fell and Mayko finally go on a sort-of date, which might have been romantic had it not involved feces, pedophilia, and Munchausen syndrome. All of which is based on a true story, reminding us that the real world can be just as ugly as Snowtown, although fortunately, real life is not rendered in the skin-crawling art of Ben Templesmith. Unless maybe you are Rob Zombie and are tripping balls.

Adan: Let’s review: 1) You love Warren Ellis (I know you do because you’re buying Black Gas even after I warned you); 2) You love Ben Templesmith (c’mon, you all bought that crappy ’30 Days of Night’ nonsense because of him); 3) You love cheap comics more than you love cheap booze (although some of you are riding the fence). Skip every other book on this list if you have to (except Astro City; pick that up too) and buy this book.

Ms. Marvel #9

Laura: It’s Ms. Marvel vs. Ms. Marvel vs. Rogue, as Carol Danvers confronts a slightly lazier version of herself whose alternate world ended because she was too busy getting wasted to save it. Carol throws an enormous supertantrum where she punches herself repeatedly in the face, screaming that she sickens… herself. Ah, the self-loathing is strong with this one. Maybe she and Emma can start a club for imperious blonde superheroines who don’t love themselves enough.

Adan: This is the best therapy session I have ever been a witness to, and it’s hilarious to boot. One Carol Danvers drowns her problems in alcohol and ignores Avengers Priority Distress Calls (at one point she says, “The world needs saving again. Someone better get on that,” and continues drinking). The other Carol Danvers deals with her problems by punching them in the face repeatedly, even when those problems are herself. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: messed up superheroes are hilarious.

New Avengers #25

Laura: The hatred that Tony Stark inspires in those around him is truly remarkable, and in this issue it finally comes back to bite him in his metal ass. The former employee (and friend) who designed his armor technology is so incensed by its use against the anti-registration heroes that he basically decides to blow everyone up. Hey, if comic books have taught me anything, it’s we’re all just one traumatic event away from becoming dangerous villains fixated on revenge. And for the record, Bendis, semantic is not a verb. It’s the kind of thing you might know if you were, say, a genius like the guy who says it. Does anyone even pretend to copy-edit these books?

Adan: HA! I assume they’d have to pretend, otherwise they’d lose their pretend jobs. The other thing Marvel pretends to do is have a cohesive universe with a cohesive continuity. Go read Iron Man #13, also out this week, and compare exactly how Stark is offered the job of a lifetime. Do those two scenes even begin to coexist in a reasonable universe? As Alan Kistler (historian extraordinaire for Monitor Duty) and I were discussing recently, Marvel (and really every comic book company) should just let us edit their books. We’d do it for a lot cheaper and catch a lot more mistakes. We already read most of the comics they put out and catch this stuff on our lunch breaks.

Omega Men #2

Adan: Hurm… Kind of like Mystery in Space (I can hear Jason now), only without the back up story to help them along and slightly more superhero-y. There’s some weird space cult thingy that’s taken over the Spider Guild as well as the vast majority of Manila, capital city of the Philippines. The Omega Men are trying to stop it, but Vril Dox, head of L.E.G.I.O.N. and the Guardians have other plans. What those are, only those blue little Smurfs seem to know. If it isn’t immediately apparent to you guys, I’m liking a lot of this space adventure stuff DC’s been putting out lately (even, God help me, Ion), and more of it is usually better. Although I’m not entirely sure about this art yet.

Laura: Uh oh, it’s a Superhero Misunderstanding™! And much like one’s first night at Fight Club, that means you HAVE to fight. Preferably without talking or giving anyone a chance to explain themselves before the head-cracking begins. Superheroes, you are a doomed species. Also, I don’t really care. Next.

Supergirl #11

Adan: What a horrible piece of garbage. What the fuck, Joe Kelly? I used to love you, man! Supergirl wants to join the Outsiders because she has a crush on Nightwing, and to prove what a badass she really is. Also, Boomerang’s lust for a sixteen-year-old is really quite skeevy. Even more skeevy: Kara’s the one who calls him on it and then crawls over and rubs up against him. Eww. Also, Joe Benitez needs to work on his… I was gonna say faces, but then I realized all his art was kind of off. So Benitez needs to work on his art. P.S. Joe Kelly, I still love you. Just stop writing Supergirl. It’s making you look bad and I know you’re better than this. Remember Deadpool? Those were good times, man.

Laura: Kara tries to team up with the Outsiders because she wants to belong, or maybe just bang Nightwing, but who can blame her! That man is ridiculous hot. Grace thinks she’s too retarded to join up (she is), but then Kara uses foul language—OMG!—and after everyone picks their jaws up off the floor, they concede that she is truly a badass. Because this is The Babysitter’s Club, and we are all twelve. Since swearing means that she has clearly proven her mettle, she and Grace are sent undercover as superpirates, where Kara learns that there’s more to being a tough guy than just dropping F-bombs. Then she *cries* and is useless, because she is a bad superhero, and this is a bad book. Do yourself (and your estimation of Joe Kelly) a favor, and put it down.

Laura: The Stoics say that God is in all things, which means that God is in the gyro on the cover of Action Philosophers, which is making me totally hungry. Whether you find the interior palatable may depend on the type of person you are. If you’re not particularly interested in ideas, or perspectives different than your own, then go right back to the fights and tights and forget we ever had this conversation. This covers a lot of ground in 28 pages, ending on a high note with my personal favorite, Epictetus. I’ll be honest: Some people might be bored by this book. But then again, you might discover an entirely new way of looking at life. Others may develop an intense craving for Greek food. Regardless, it’s only $2.95.

Adan: Easily, the funnest way to learn about philosophy. This issue tackles the Pre-Socratic thinkers, Aristotle, and Epictetus the Stoic, all Greek thinkers. And yeah, most of what these guys say is pretty basic and not at all comprehensive, but that’s why they have a recommended reading section at the end of each book that’s pretty good. But you don’t read funny books because of their recommended reading section, you read them ’cause they’re funny, and this book is funny.

Annihiliation #4

Laura: The Annihilation Wave is coming, and Earth’s superheroes are too busy with their Civil War reenactments to pay much attention. With Galactus himself on his knees, who can possibly stop Annihilus before he makes the universe a graveyard and crowns himself its king? Apparently, the answer is Thanos. And if the Mad Titan thinks you’re an evil lunatic who needs to be stopped, you have some serious, serious problems. But like Moondragon says, anyone who didn’t see this whole end-of-existence thing coming probably should have been paying more attention to the crazy guy’s name.

Adan: Vietnam in space, kids. That’s what this is. An unwinnable war fought by heroes and villains using suspect tactics on our side against an evil, unstoppable force. The only difference is those horrible Commie bastards came to our house and are whooping our asses. Nova, Gamorra, Drax the Destroyer, and Peter Quill are going to use Viet Cong tactics, tactics that helped them win that war. Will it help us now?

Batman #658

Adan: Oh, Grant, why have you forsaken me? This ending to “Batman and Son” is not good at all. I can’t even defend Grant because of his usual obfuscation. This just sucked. The kid was a jerk and after beating Robin nearly to death and decapitating a criminal, Batman not immediately sending him to prison is kind of ridiculous. So, again I ask you Grant, why have you forsaken me?

Laura: This is probably the weakest issue of Morrison’s run so far, and not even Man-Bats can save it. Last issue’s cliffhanger saw Alfred and Robin on the receiving end of Damian’s ultraviolence, an act only narrowly preceded by his cold-blooded slaughter of a criminal. After some obligatory hand-wringing and a stern rebuke, Batman… lets it slide? Seriously? When Wonder Woman took a life with the whole world hanging in the balance, Batman told her where to shove her warrior ethics, and totally dropped her out of his Top 8. But when Damian decapitates a C-list criminal and stuffs his head in a duffel bag, he gets a father-son rocket adventure into space? Wow. Maybe if he’d actually killed Robin, they would have gone to Six Flags.

Bullet Points #1

Laura: Marvel says this isn’t a What If? story, but they’re lying. And why pretend? What If? stories were great, and here we get two-in-one for six issues. Solid writing and thoughtful recharacterization casts Steve Rogers as a weakling in invincible armor and Peter Parker as a juvenile delinquent with some oversized anger issues. What If Steve Rogers Became Iron Man? What If Peter Parker Became the Hulk? The answer is probably that I will read about it.

Adan: Hey, thanks J. Michael Straczynski. The first time you said it, I wasn’t too sure about how a bullet changes history. Then you went through all those historical moments, and I was believing you a little more. Then you said it, I don’t know, 53 more times and I guess I just had to believe you ’cause you just beat me over the head with your goddamn point! More importantly than that is your assertion that every bit of your story flows from Dr. Erksine’s (the creator of the Super Soldier serum) murder occurring 24 hours earlier. Really? The US government has the Iron Man technology in WWII even though Tony Stark won’t invent it until Vietnam? Ben Parker is killed in the States as an MP defending Erksine even though he’s supposed to be an infantryman in Europe? Yeah, i like my What Ifs when they make sense, Jay Mike.

Laura: Admittedly, he will not shut up about this ONE bullet and how ONE bullet changes the world. Really, they should just admit that a bunch of stuff is different—no Ben, more advanced armor technology—rather than hanging the entire title on the hook of a fairly thin conceit. Still, this is an entertaining story if you can suspend your disbelief about that OOONE bullet. And you read comic books, so I’m pretty sure you can.

Eternals #5

Adan: I’m not sure what’s going on here. Can Neil Gaiman still write? I think so, so the problem must be me. I just don’t get it. There are two groups of Eternals (one of which just showed up out of nowhere) and they seem to be on opposite sides of a conflict over a… sleeping Celestial? Are they actually after the same thing? I don’t know. Maybe someone will post some kind of annotated notes sometime in the near future.

Laura: It’s not Neil Gaiman’s fault that you haven’t been paying attention. It is his fault that he didn’t exercise very good time management. Ikari is finally awakened as a full Eternal, Sersi regains her memory, and things are just starting to gain speed. Unfortunately, it’s the penultimate issue. Should have put the pedal down a little sooner, Gaiman. And no, driving 200 mph in the last issue will not make up for it.

Frank Richards Happy Franksgiving

Laura: This book is freakin’ hilarious. With shades of Calvin and Hobbies (though none of its subtle highbrow edge) FF wunderkind Franklin Richards and his robot sidekick get into one predicament after another, including an accidental trip to an alternative poultryverse where the FF have turkey counterparts that are kind of like their zombie counterparts, only with more wattle. Please, buy this book.

Adan: She’s right. This book is freakin’ hilarious and it does 100% more wattle than any other book you’ll read this week (or possibly ever). If you don’t think that’s a resounding endorsement, you guys need to get out more.

Stormwatch Ph.D #1

Adan: Hey, with WildStorm’s very own Crisis… excuse me, Worldstorm, some things are different, some things are the same. Thing One that is different: Warren Ellis’ awesome death of Stormwatch has been undone. The Aliens did not kill most everybody on Skywatch: Winter, Fuji, and Fahrenheit are all still alive. Thing One that is the same: Skywatch has been destroyed or has been made somehow useless and Thing Two that is the same: the UN/US has slashed their funding, so Jackson King has to find new ways of making Stormwatch a feasible superhuman response unit. The fun in this series should come from that, but this issue was too much of an intro. I was introduced to the situation and the characters, but that’s all. The action better pick up in the second issue.

Laura: I like the notion of a cost-cutting superteam of humans, but color me slightly unimpressed with the execution. It’s all pretty cookie-cutter and contrived so far, as mostly unremarkable characters behave in predictable ways. A few have the potential not to bore me, but Adan’s right–the second issue better come back strong, or they’ll never get the chance.

Tales of the Unexpected #2

Adan: Like Mystery in Space, Tales is a non-super hero book with two stories in one book. Unlike Mystery in Space, these two stories seem to not be connected at all and are about supernatural elements. The main story features dead Det. Crispus Allen battling God’s Wrath in the Spectre for control of their otherworldly powers, who they consider sinners and how best to punish them. The back-up story features Dr. 13, the DCU’s only skeptic of all things supernatural, and this to me is worth the price of admission. It’s hilarious to watch a guy who lives in the same world as Eclipso and the Spectre deny everything that is magical.

Laura: Crispus Allen used to be a detective in Gotham Central. He used to be a husband, a father, and a good man. Now he isn’t any of those things; he isn’t even human, and it kills him. So to speak. It’s not easy being an avenging spirit of death, and after watching terrible, inhuman acts 24/7 for a little too long, Allen wants to commit some terrible, inhuman acts of his own on the bad, bad men of Gotham. Fortunately, he’s the Spectre, so that really works out for him. Also, I love that his big redemptive gesture at the end involves helping people get laid. I had no idea ghosts were willing to help out with that.

Warren Ellis Black Gas 2 #1

Adan: Ho hum. It’s another zombie book. Yeah, it’s written by Warren Ellis, but who cares? Zombies eat people and people try not to get eaten. It’s the same thing i’ve seen in every zombie product, ever. And it’s not even written well like Walking Dead is. It just is what it is, and that’s another zombie book. Do you get it yet? Wait, let me put on my JMS hat a little tighter: you’ve read this book before! It’s zombies eating people! Zombie! Zombies! Zombie Highway! Escape of the Dead! Walking Dead!

Laura: I like this zombie song you sing, Adan. Sing it again! In truth, I don’t think I “get” the whole zombie thing. I’m not sure what it is about the undead and their mindless, unholy hunger that so compels people. Still, it’s Warren Ellis, so if your craving for zombie is equal to their unstoppable craving for your face, go ahead and pick it up. It’s no Zombie FF, but what is?

Wisdom #1

Adan: This book is also hilarious (man, that’s three and a half out of ten; not bad, comedy)! Pete Wisdom, head of Great Britain’s MI-13, the supernatural division, must repel a fairy invasion with a Skrull, half a telepath, a renegade fairy, and Captain Midlands! Fuck yeah! Watch out Oberon, Pete Wisdom’s coming to kick in yer fey teeth all the way down to yer fey arse!

Laura: England is being terrorized by fairies, so Pete Wisdom and his newly-banded team of misfits travel to the collective unconscious of the U.K., or the Otherworld, to show them what’s what. The writing is very British; it’s also totally disjointed. Dialogue doesn’t flow, so much as it jumps around randomly from panel to panel. In this vein, we get one of the most disturbing splash pages ever towards the end of the book, mostly because it comes out of absolutely nowhere and amounts to being flashed by Pete Wisdom. TMI, sir. TMI. I think I liked you a lot better when you were banging Kitty Pryde.

Adan: You’re crazy. It all flows well, including your so-called TMI scene. It makes sense and it’s funny. What more do you want? At least he’s no longer a statutory rapist like he was when he was banging Kitty Pryde (Warren Ellis is a dirty, old man, isn’t he?)

Laura: What more do I want? I want Pete Wisdom to get a haircut. And then I never, ever, ever want to see his treasure trail again.

Agents of Atlas #4

Adan: 60′s spy awesomeness with 60′s ex-superheroes and a giant bolly gorilla man. This book has fun written all over it. A goddess of love, an unfeeling robot, a Uranian space traveler, a long-thought dead underwater princess, the aforementioned gorilla man, and Jimmy Woo, secret agent extraordinaire. This is a roll call for everything that was awesome about sixties’ fiction all here in one book. Get it, read it, fall in love with it. Now.

Laura: The man doesn’t lie. I read it this month, and I fell in love with it. Your turn.

Criminal #2

Laura: Our anti-hero, Leo, likes to talk a lot about the rules, and how they’re the only thing that keeps you alive in the world of crime. And yet, for two issues all we’ve seen him do is break them, so it’s no real surprise when the plan goes sideways in a hail of bullets and betrayal. But hey, who wants things to go according to plan? Not Ed Brubaker. That man loves the noir, loves the heist, but most of all loves the backstab and the twist of the knife. There aren’t many people who do it quite this right.

Adan: And that’s why I’m not sure about this book yet. Leo spends two issues telling me exactly how not to get screwed on a heist and proceeds to completely ignore himself and then gets screwed on a heist. listen, Bru, I like you, a lot (wait for the X-Men bit later), but I’m gonna need less telegraphing and more, you know, suspense. On the upside, I love Sean Phillips more than I love Mint Chip ice cream, and I love Mint Chip ice cream.

Incredible Hulk #100

Laura: The awesome Planet Hulk storyline continues, as Caiera the Oldstrong finally flips off the emperor and joins with “The Green Scar” for a little smashy smash of their Imperial overlords. His comrades wonder if he’s their prophesied savior, and so do I; he seems more at home here as a gladiator-turned-freedom-fighter than he ever did back on Earth. This jumbo centennial issue also includes a few Hulk reprints and a brief Civil War tie-in, where Reed Richards begins to reap a little of what he sowed with the whole shooting-his-friend-into-space-with-no-warning thing. Richards gets called a “monster” repeatedly, which is supposed to be ironic, but really he’s more of a douche. Not that I’d be opposed to shooting him into space, were I given an enormously powerful ejection seat and a shiny red button to push.

Adan: The only Hulk storyline that I’ve ever given a damn about it. I have no interest in a character that does nothing but get angry and smash things, but put him on a planet with a bunch of weird-ass aliens, start a little revolution, and throw in a little Messiah complex and I am hooked. I also love the fact that this centennial issue has a this Cho kid who’s trying to bring the Hulk back to Earth. And pay extra attention to those silhouettes at the end of the second story. I think I know who “Hulk’s friends” are.

Justice League of America #3

Laura: JLA #3 suffers from Heroes syndrome, which is to say it has an army of characters with interesting stories to tell, all of which come marching into your face at once. Black Lightning! Green Lantern! Red Tornado! BatmanWonderWomanSupermanHawkgirlVixenWTF stick with a subplot for five seconds so I can process the last four scene changes you threw at me. This would have been better as two books, but you only get one, for roughly half the fun.

Adan: Oh man, does this new iteration of the JLA suck. First off, where the hell do Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman get off deciding who’s gonna be in the JLA? Why doesn’t every other hero in the world just get up and go, “Fuck you guys! Where the hell were you last year, you bunch of dicks!” Also, when exactly is this taking place? Is that Trinity nonsense in the past and the Red Tornado stuff later? By the way, who honestly cares about the Red Tornado and when the hell did Batman start using cute little nicknames? “Reddy,” for fuck’s sake? Meltzer, go write more derivative “Da Vinci Code”-type novels and leave the comics writing to the professionals.

Love Roma, Vol. 4

Laura: In the opening panel of the Love Roma series, a blunt, earnest high school freshman named Hoshino walks up to his classmate Negishi and says, “I like you. Please go out with me.” And so begins their relationship, a hilarious high school romance founded on absolute honesty. In a startling departure from the genre, Love Roma chronicles a clear-eyed first love sans the constant melodrama and contrived misunderstandings that make most romantic comedy insufferable. One of the few manga that understands true love is neither a series of dramatic poses nor a series of pratfalls, Love Roma is Kare Kano with none of the shoujo affectation and twice the laughs. Pretty much anyone who even vaguely likes manga–or fun–should be reading it. If you’re too embarrassed to read it openly in front of your buddies, just slip it between the pages of an All-Star Batman and Robin. No one will question why you’re laughing.

Adan: Laura is totally right about everything in this book. The only thing I disagree with is that you should not be embarrassed to be seen reading this. Would you be embarrassed reading any other superbly wrought work of art? No, you wouldn’t, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed about this either. If any of your friends question your masculinity, just punch them in the face and continue reading the supremely cute adventure of Hoshino-kun and Negishi-chan.

Mouse Guard #4

Adan: The best part of this issue is the medieval style story in the middle, telling the tale of the Black Axe. It’s gilded and each page starts with this huge, ornate letter and there are pictures. It’s awesome. and all those little mice brandishing swords fighting other animals is freaking adorable!

Laura: Yes, they’re all mice, and it’s kind of adorable that they’re brandishing swords in a medieval fantasy world, but the fact remains that Mouse Guard is perhaps the most human drama on the shelves. The “aww” factor quickly takes a backseat to the heroism and dignity of these noble mice as they risk all to warn Lockhaven of the traitor’s army marching for its gates. Gorgeously drawn and utterly absorbing, this book is easy to love, whether you’re seven or seventy. Anyone who feels differently should probably examine his soul.

Mystery in Space #3

Laura: The plot of Mystery in Space sounds really cool, and looks even cooler. Unfortunately, the writing manages to suck the awesome right out of it. Life or death situations and brilliant, jaw-dropping space explosions are matched up with Captain Comet’s stilted, detached narrative like a bad Japanese dub, making the whole affair flat and difficult to connect with. Still, it’s not like you need to connect with the fireworks to enjoy the 4th of July. Just don’t ask the pretty lights to tell you a story much more meaningful than KABOOM.

Adan: I really like this book and I really want to see it succeed because the comic racks need more pulp and non-superhero stuff, and it gets more credence if one of the Big Two publishes it, but a $3.99 price tag is almost ridiculous (the only saving grace is that we get the extra the Weird story after the main Comet story) and Laura’s right: the voice over narration is almost too painful. The actual dialogue is good, and the plot is intriguing, but Comet needs to stop pretending he’s Phillip Marlowe; or better yet, get better at it.

She-Hulk #13

Laura: The Living Tribunal, a being of unimaginable power who maintains the cosmic balance of the universe, decides to intercede… in a date rape trial? Really? I didn’t know the omnipotent cosmic entity cared enough to run an appellate court for sex crimes. Perhaps he feels it gives him the common touch. She-Hulk is entertaining as usual, as everyone goes running around in Thanos’ brain, and Starfox gets totally screwed, but not in the way he likes. Sucks to be you, Starfox. DO A BARREL ROLL!

Adan: Hey, a video game joke. How very droll. The Living Tribunal being asked to preside over a date rape trial didn’t immediately penetrate my skull, now I know, and that’s pretty funny. ‘She-Hulk’ has long been one of the funniest titles on the rack, although this one is somewhat of a low point. But hey, the Living Tribunal is presiding over a cosmic date rape trial and cosmic date rape is always funny.

Laura: I can’t tell whether you’re actually getting on your feminist high horse, or if you’re laughing too. Also, when did you get too cool for video game jokes? Are you still mad about that time I beat you at Mario Kart? Do you need to hug this out?

Adan: Oh, I am most definitely laughing too. And let the record show that Laura never beat me at Mario Kart. In fact, I seem to recall a certain someone ramming into a wall as I sailed across the finish line ahead of her. Twice.

Laura: Are you actually blocking this out? You beat me in a REMATCH, which you demanded after an ass-kicking you fumed about for weeks. Don’t make me call witnesses to the stand. But hey–maybe we can get the Living Tribunal to arbitrate.

Adan: You should write fiction. You’re obviously very good at it.

Superman Confidential #1

Adan: Wait, wait, wait. Does the Kryptonite actually have a voice over at the beginning? Ludicrous. Cooke and Sale, I look forward to everything you guys do because you are Cooke and Sale. Apart, you kids are awesome; together, you should be awesome-er. So, what went wrong? For starters, Superman’s only been doing his thing for two months, but Lois already knows Clark and Supes are one and the same? Really? Cooke and Sale, your names alone will bring me back for another issue, but if this doesn’t shapen up, I’m done.

Laura: Every man has a weakness. And for the newly-suited Superman, the most frightening thing is not knowing what that is. Fortunately, giant green rocks start falling from the sky, and no one needs a diagram to connect those two plot points. I’d like to believe that there’s some sort of space creature encased in the rock, because talking kryptonite might officially push this book across the line, but we’ll see. The dialogue could be a little sharper at times, but the insecurities of a Clark Kent still learning to wear the cape ring true enough to bring me back for at least one more issue.

Uncanny X-Men #480

Laura: So, it’s the X-Men. Aaaand… they’re in space. If you’re into all that, then this is another issue of it. Personally, I wanted to hear Brubaker write the X-Men like Brubaker, rather than hear him regurgitate his own nostalgia. But then, I also wanted a pony when I was ten years old and I didn’t get that either. We don’t spend much time with the actual X-Men in this issue, as the highly unsympathetic Vulcan throws down with the Shi’ar Imperial Guard, which naturally ends in a toe-to-toe with Gladiator. Gladiator is a bit of a bastard too, but clearly the lesser of two assholes, so you can’t help but cheer for him to open up a can on the new title holder for Whiniest Summers Brother.

Adan: See, no. This is not just more ‘X-men is Space.’ Mostly because there are precious few X-men around and none in this issue (although Darwin needs waaaaay more screen time). By the way readers: Vulcan is “highly unsympathetic.” Newsflash Laura, he’s the villain, the antagonist, the bloody bad guy! I don’t know about you, but I tend not to want to root for the homicidal maniacs hellbent on commiting cosmic genocide. There is only one thing that really bugs me about this particular ‘X-men in Space’ romp: where is the Annihilation Wave? Not even some news about this Universal-Level Threat from the Shi’ar? I know Nova just warned Earth, so you know. Continuity, peoples!

Laura: I always find villains to be a lot more compelling when they are more than cackling, two-dimensional straw men that lazy writers like to prop up for people to hate. It’s a lot more interesting to read about antagonists whose terrible deeds you can kind of understand, or even empathize with. All I understand about Vulcan is that, to take a page from your book, I kind of want to punch him the face.

Adan: Did you miss the part where his mom was raped to death by Shi’ar jerkholes or how his trusted mentor and teacher sent him on a suicide mission and then wiped all traces of his existence from the world? This doesn’t make me want to root for him, but he’s also not a “cackling, two-dimensional straw m[a]n.” And stop calling Bru lazy; he’s developing a complex.

Laura: A sad, sad backstory doesn’t automatically make you interesting and three-dimensional, nor does it mean you’re being written well. But then again, I don’t think anything in this book is particularly interesting or well-written, so maybe I should cut Vulcan some slack.

Adan: Maybe I should punch you in the face.

Adan: So the story that Richard Donner really wanted to tell in a Superman comic is Brian Singer’s ‘Superman Returns?’ With a few cosmetic changes, of course. I don’t know, I kind of already watched this movie. Twice. And I got popcorn those two times. What are you giving me, Donner?

Laura: I am apparently either a bad woman or a bad American, because the presence of CHILDREN IN DANGER! does not automatically make stories compelling for me. A Kryptonian boy rockets to Earth (“Just like Superman!” as we are repeatedly reminded), and surrogate Papa Clark gets all protective. Fairly unremarkable, except in its uncanny resemblance to a certain summer blockbuster. If they’re going to reenact the movie, I hope they do the scene where the bullet shatters on his retina; that was wicked cool.

Black Panther #21

Laura: Storm and T’Challa’s diplomatic world tour heads for the underwater hatch as they meet up with The Sub-Mariner in Atlantis. Namor spends most of the book taking swipes at Ororo for daring to have opinions without a penis, which might have been offensive if it weren’t so goddamn boring and badly-written. Namor launches into a WWII flashback whose moral makes almost no sense, and Ororo calls Namor “Malcolm X to [T'Challa's] Martin Luther King,” which is officially the best moment in the issue, and now you’ve read it.

Adan: I didn’t know a book could be so misogynistic! Namor talks down to Storm three separate times making comments like “A woman’s logic is a miracle to behold.” Seriously? And this while Coalition against the US thing… Hudlin can’t really write politics, and should really stop trying to write about things he seemingly knows nothing about.

The Boys #4

Adan: There is a slight chance that women are incapable of liking this book. Not because there is something wrong with women, but because there is something very wrong with this book. That said, this book is awesome! What happens when super-heroes think and act like rock stars instead of defenders of the common people? Drugs, sex, and merchandising! But who will be the Paparazzi to the super-powered? The Boys, that’s who.

Laura: There is a slight chance that *people* will be incapable of liking this book–especially those who don’t get their rocks off via Schadenfreude. Reading this book made me feel sick and uncomfortable, as though I were watching slightly-too-realistic rape porn. While ostensibly Ennis is trying to spin a gritty, unflinching tale about how superheroes are total assholes, it’s really an excuse to show us things that are ugly and terrible, just for the sake of it. Which is pretty much the only note Ennis is singing, these days. It’s not that brutality and sexual degradation shouldn’t be depicted in comic books; it’s that I’d prefer they be slightly less gleeful, and also have a point. It’s not shocking anymore, and worse, it’s not even interesting; it’s just gratuitous, sadistic, and sad.

Civil War: Choosing Sides

Adan: Five short stories about five characters who will soon get mini-series or starring roles in ongoings (except for Howard the Duck; he gets bupkus) and what they think about the Superhuman Registration Act. But hey, thanks Marvel: the main book is super late and you make it up to me by making me buy more stuff that’s tied into your super-mega-ultra crossover. On the upside, this book also contains the ‘Guiding Light’ comic that is actually the second part to the Guiding Light episode that is supposed to premiere on Wednesday, November 1st. I do so love my stories.

Laura: If you’ve been buying every Civil War tie-in religiously, and worse, if you’ve been enjoying them all, this book is for you. There are lots of people who can’t get enough of this bloated cross-over, and pretty much all this insubstantial filler book gives you is more of it. But really, not that much more.

Daredevil #90

Laura: In this month’s thrilling issue, Matt Murdock spends no less than 88 narrative bubbles talking to himself, mostly about lady smells. He tracks Lily to Paris, where he threatens a bunch of street toughs in untranslated French and then thinks some more about the whole smell thing. It’s like the issue-length version of those Spiderman strips in the newspaper where it takes him a week to swing from one building to another, but with more discussion of personal odor.

Adan: Who the hell else is he gonna talk to? The French? I’m not sure why you’ve decided to hate on Bru recently (ask her about Uncanny X-men), but this book is still good. We get more on who’s behind the Foggy’s fake assassination and I’m sure Bru’s gonna let us know why all this is important soon enough. Also, he was probably talking about personal odor so much because he was in France. ZING!

Nextwave #9

Laura: The story kicks off with a Nazi spy attempting to steal Captain America’s super-pee from a SHIELD bathroom, and then things really get weird. Terrorist floating cities, jabs at The Ultimates, and the best acronyms this side of MODOK make this book as entertaining as it is absurd, free of the common sense, coherence, and continuity that hampers so many other books. Don’t try to make sense of it–it’s Warren Ellis’ world, we just vicariously live in it.

Adan: Be sad that this book is ending with issue twelve. It’s the best thing you’re not reading and now it’s getting cancelled. This issue features the unlikeliest of guest stars ever to appear in a possibly in-continuity Marvel comic (Is it in-continuity? Honestly, why wouldn’t it be?). Prepare to laugh your socks off.

Phonogram #1 & #2 (2nd printings)

Laura: The concept behind Phonogram is both twee and profoundly true: music is magic. The book is in many ways a love letter to music–to the ways it moves us, owns us, and breaks our hearts. Whether you’ve had a band or an album or a beautiful girl turn your world around completely, you know a little about what it’s like to be under a spell. But for Phonomancer (read: magical hipster) David Kohl, it’s not a metaphor; songs are his spells, lyrics are his incantations, and you are completely in his thrall. Like a lot of musicians, Kohl is an arrogant, charismatic asshole, and you can’t take your eyes off him. In fact, he has a song he’d like to play for you, and it’s called Phonogram. Listen up.

Adan: This book is super pretentious and yet still manages to be good. It’s good because I want nothing more than to punch David Kohl right in his stupid face. You can’t hate a character that much unless he’s written very, very well. There is a cheer in my heart everytime he gets his ass kicked.

Planetary #26

Adan: According to Ellis, this is where it all comes together. Every last puzzle piece that’s been laid out over the past 25 issues finally comes together here. I won’t know if that’s true or not until I re-read all the previous issues. I suggest you do the same.

Laura: Elijah Snow and Randall Dowling have their final showdown in the middle of the desert, and what happens next is not anti-climactic. If you’ve never read Planetary, this might not be the issue to start with, but if you’re already a fan, you won’t need my encouragement. For what it’s worth, you’ve got it.

Secret Six #5

Adan: Gail Simone is writing the best character in the world right now and that character is the current iteration of Ragdoll. That guy is hilarious and I hope he never goes away. Frankly, I hope none of these guys ever go away. The Secret Six has been an awesome ride about bad people doing almost-good things. Sort of. Mostly they’re just trying not to die.

Laura: Secret Six is just OK, the comic book equivalent of something palatable enough to swallow, but a little too bland to really enjoy. Fortunately, the Mad Hatter is along to add some kick, and he’s the most enjoyable element of this issue, where Knockout and Scandal have some sort of falling out (but not really), sending Scandal running back to Papa dearest. But not really.

Seven Soldiers #1

Adan: Another book that requires re-reading everything that came before, mostly because it’s six months late, but also because Grant tends to go nuts sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I will bear his child if it is required of me, but the guy is batshit crazy, and sometimes too much of it gets into his stories.

Laura: I’m going to be honest. This is my first issue of Seven Soldiers, which maybe explains why reading it makes me feel like I just dropped acid and read the Metamorphoses, as written by Grant Morrison. Dense mythological histories and psychedelic, frame-breaking art shifting wildly from page to page make for a crazy ride. I’m sure it makes sense if you’ve been reading Seven Soldiers all along… right?