The Grammys were last night, and honestly, it was a pretty low-key show overall. Honestly, the 90s were the best decade for the Grammys. Folks went hard at those shows back in the day! But this year? No “Soy Bomb”-type stage crashers, no drunk Guns N’ Roses admitting they didn’t even realize they were nominated (although Slash was at the show last night!), nothing like that. Not that the show didn’t have its moments! Peep my thoughts on the evening, minute-by-minute:

8:00 – Lady Gaga looks like Tinkerbell and The Ultimate Warrior had a baby outta wedlock!

8:03 – OH SNAP!!! Gaga and Sir Elton John?!?! Don’t know about his make-up, though.

8:07 – Jay-Z looks thoroughly unimpressed with Stephen Colbert.

8:08 – So does Colbert’s daughter!

8:10 – Yeah, Susan Boyle shoulda been at this joint!

8:13 – And Beyonce wins the first award of the show, and thank god the wrap-it-up music started before The Dream got a chance to talk!

8:15 – Waitaminute!! How in blue perfect hell is it punk to have a Broadway musical based on one of your songs?!?! Oh, who am I kidding, Green Day have been “punk for pay” since 2000!

8:24 – Wow, Kristen Bell is wearing a really awful dress.

8:26 – Oh crap, where’s Kanye when you need him?! Taylor Swift just wan for Best Country Album!

8:29 – Oh dang, Beyonce’s grabbing her imaginary penis again! I guess you’d grab your imaginary penis too if you had paramilitary back-up dancers!

8:31 – Is she? Is she covering Alanis Morrisette?!? Complete with extreme weave spinnin’!

8:42 – Why isn’t Pink more popular again? C’mon, this chick is doin’ some Cirque De Soliel shit for y’all people!!!

8:44 – Yeah um, Pink just shat all over Beyonce AND Gaga with her performance! Do yo thang, gurl!!!

8:45 – Damn, remember when the Lifetime Achievement Award presentation used to take up five minutes. Now it only takes up ten seconds!

8:47 – Best New Artist is one of those awards that can throw you curveball from time to time. ‘Cause I have no idea who the Zac Brown Band even is!

8:55 – I’m glad The Black Eyed Peas started off with “Imma Be”, ’cause it’s honestly one of the better songs on The E.N.D., but is will.i.am trying to be MF DOOM with that stupid mask, or something?

9:05 – They need to show more of the “Lady” in Lady Antebellum.

9:11 – I’m mad at myself for not listening to more comedy albums. Congrats anyway, Stephen Colbert!

9:19 – Happy for Kings of Leon winning Record of the Year, but dammit if Ringo Starr and Norah Jones’ presentation of the award wasn’t clunky as hell. Just read the damn teleprompter!!!

9:20 – Robert Downey Jr. presenting Jaimie Foxx and T-Pain = hilarious!!!

9:23 – George Clinton getting’ funky!

9:24 – Why is Jamie Foxx doing the running man?!?

9:25 – Okay, he’s forgiven for bringin’ Doug E. Fresh . . . and SLASH?!?!? OH SHIT!!

9:27 – Am I the only one who doesn’t get the appeal of Ke$ha? And why does she look like a Vegas showgirl on meth?

9:34 – It’s pretty telling about current rock music, when the only nominees for Best Rock Album are acts that have been around for fifteen years or more.

9:39 – Yay! Deliverance music!!

9:46 – What’s so special about Taylor Swift again? Oh yeah, Kanye punked her at a previous awards show! Now she gets to butcher Stevie Nicks WITH Stevie Nicks! I don’t know who to be madder at right now.

9:58 – Can’t really say much about the Michael Jackson tribute. It didn’t really need the 3-D gimmick. The performers did more than enough.

10:09 – Dammit, I can’t even front. Bon Jovi’s still pretty damn cool!

10:15 – “WHOA!!!! We’re Halfway there!!! WHOA-OH!!!! Livin’ On A Prayer!!!”

10:18 – It’s pretty telling about mainstream hip-hop, when a comedy troop can get nominated for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration AT THE GRAMMYS!!! Would have been funny if Lonley Island had actually won for “I’m On A Boat”, though. But then, Kayne would have teleported from wherever he is to protest. Hell, I’d be mad if I lost, and I was on three of the five songs nominated!

10:30 – Mary J. Blige and Andrea Bocelli, great performance.

10:45 – Nope. Still don’t like The Dave Matthews Band.

10:47 – For a second, I though they were gonna do something retarded and give the Best Female Pop Vocal award to Taylor Swift. Would have been nice to see Pink win, but Beyonce will do.

10:50 – I wish I had some liquor right about now.

10:56 – Maxwell seems to be havin’ trouble with them high notes.

11:03 – Damn, is that Lady Gaga, or the Fortress of Solitude?!?!

11:13 – Okay, how many drugs is Quentin Tarantino on?

11:19 – Damn, CBS was scared as fuck that Em, Lil’ Wayne, and Drake were gonna curse! They muted half the damn performance for cryin’ out loud! There ain’t THAT much cursin’!

11:26 – Really? Taylor Swift? Album of the Year? Now I really wish I had some hooch! Oh well, guess I’m gonna have to settle for guzzlin’ some Listerine ‘til I slip into unconsciousness. Later haters!